Yee-eee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeaaaaawipe out


Yeah that is an awful way to start out this blog, but I can't deal with the amount of people who are dead instantaneaously so I have to laugh a bit. Turns out laughing is a similar enough motion to crying that our emotions sometimes get confused. In all reality the term is appropriate for two reasons. First is obvious, we are missing parts of Asia. Second, that is the way I feel. I don't know which is worse because I have no capablity of processing what's happening in the Indian coasts, so my perception is a miss.

Okay that is enough towards current events. I am exhausted. I got home last night after hauling all the cool stuff I got for Christmas up to my apartment and began to cry. I was so overwhelmed and tired. My apartment was a disaster and there was not enough time to clean it all before I passed out totally on the floor. I called a couple of folks and finally decided it was not a life and death event and that it didn't really matter in the overall picture of things. I had finally gotten everything in order in my new place just to find out it would go bezerk immediately. I guess it will give me something to do on Saturday. Yes that is the next day I have to process. I am babysitting Iris tonight and then three work nights and then crash until next Tuesday (I get New Year's Day on the following Monday....thank goodness!). I will be able to play with my cool scrap book stuff and read my new books and watch dvd's. If I were my big sister from college, Vicki, I could do all three at one time! But I will have three days to do it in instead, which is more my pace. I am so excited I got so much loot for Christmas! I am going to be piecing through it for the next several months! If I ever get that far and not keel over first.

What is there to sing the second day after Christmas? I don't know of any songs and it doesn't seem right to put up lyrics to an everyday song yet.

I am still on vacation. I now recognize I was right to take this Monday off too. I didn't know that I would need it. I thought it would be an 'in case' day. In case of what, I don't know what I was in casing before, but now I know it to be exhaustion and recooping from family. I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I really like being with my family under the definition of nuclear family. My extended family, aunts, uncles cousins and the like, I am still struggling with being comfortable enough to like myself so that I can like them. When I get to a point of total, mental exhaustion I completely breakdown and cry or get angry or both. Last night after not having any sleep due to poor sleeping arrangements the night before, I was ready to go home and say screw the whole thing. Instead, my Mom talked me into staying and made my sleeping arrangements a little better and let me go to bed earlier. I am not a nice person necessarily to begin with, but when I am tired, I am that much more difficult. I can remember when I was little, girls would invite me to stay at slumber parties and the kick was to see who could stay up the latest. I would always win. My family would always suffer. At some point during my being ugly the next day, my Dad would say,"You're never going to another sleepover again, if..." I would always go to my next sleepover. My Dad as it turns out, is a teddy bear no matter how intimidating he pretends to be in the moment. Now that all the extended family is gone, I feel better and more comfortable. It is not often these days that I get as uncomfortable as I was last night. Mostly, I find that as I grow with God and I grow as a person, I am able to be in a previously uncomfortable moment and get through it. I guess, in a way, I got through this one with the help of my Mom. I am still here at my parent's home and am still able to enjoy time with them and my brother. I am glad that I am here. I am glad that I get to go sale shopping with my Mom. I am glad that I stayed.

Good Christian men rejoice,
With heart and soul and voice,
Give Ye heed to what we say,
Jesus Christ is born today,
Christ was born toda---ay
Christ was born today.....

Merry Christmas folks

tweett tweet tweett....oh, whistle while you work, tweettttwetttwettttwettt, come along and sing this song or whistle while you work.....

Okay so sometimes I make up my own words to songs and I can't remember the real ones to save my life.

I get this crazy phone call today and it is one of the other hostesses at work. She goes into this story about how one of the servers has found out they have cancer and is going to be bailing out on the rest of their shifts as a result (wow, talk about a good reason). Why is she calling me I wonder? To work. I am scheduled to work, I say. You are not on the schedule, she says. I am the host, I say. Oh duh, she says and starts laughing hysterically with insecurity. Yeah, I love it when the people I work with are exactly my mirror.

Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat....

So today was our office Christmas party. It was great fun. Everyone brought a dish and a present (secret santa swap). My super boss drew my name. We are only supposed to spend ten dollars on the gift, but when the super boss draws your name and she just "loves you" so much, you get more than ten dollars. She gave me a cd/radio. I think it is her way of making up for me having to dump all my music off of my computer. She made me so mad when she did that that I just wouldn't play any music at all(that was three months ago and I still haven't had any music). So she bought me a radio for Christmas. I won't bring any cds in, but I will be listening to NPR alllll dayyyy long. That'll keep 'em away. I finally have decided that they put me in the basement (for those of you who don't know my work was restructured physically because they hired so many new people and they put me in the basement by myself....well technically with the marketing department, but I can't remember the last time a sales person was in the office). I figure is like the republican in the steam room in the "West Wing," except in reverse. Most people here are fans of Neil Bortz and believe that he spouts epochs of truth (bleck by me, but if that is their gig so be it). But I on the otherhand am probably the lone vote for Kerry (well next to William who is the maitenance guy whose desk mysteriously showed up down here shortly after the great move. He is never down here either because he is always fixing things outside or upstairs.) SO, . . . I am down here by my lonesome, except now I will be comforted by sounds of Charles Edwards and Koki Roberts and if I am here late enough Meechelle Norris. Hurray!!

Funny Iris story: Iris discovered bubbles last night. She was whining and crying because she was tired and Megan is trying to get her on a new sleep schedule so she is all messed up right now. Jody was hanging out with me while she was acting all out of sorts and he found a bottle of bubbles somewhere in Iris's closet or room, something. Everytime he blew out a slew of bubbles she would stop and look and say "oooooohhhhhh." Then she would wait ever so patiently for the next set. Then "oooooohhhh"and a small gasp of glee. Now I know why bubbles are so cool.

He loves me, he loves me not, he lovesme, he loves me not, HE LOVES ME!

Well, I figure Christina writes about her boyfriend all the time it is okay for me to write about mine! He was so sweet yesterday. I just couldn't get over it. He called me up to go to dinner. He came and got me. He stopped by my girlfriend's house to drop off gifts. He sat with me to eat dinner and talked of fine things. He is still trying to figure out in his head the concept of Tivo and whether it would now be worth his time to get tv. He pampered me and sweet talked me. He took me to meet with our friends and we sat and talked about God. Then he took me to Wally world seeing as I needed Christmas cards (which there were only two choices of!) and Special K. Then he took me home and whispered sweet nothings in my ear and kissed me goodnight. What a wonderful man to take me on a date in the middle of the week. I am a lucky woman in love.

Aw, you had no idea I was a sap? Well now you do!

With angelic hosts proclaim, Christ is born in Bethlehem…

Last night at the Christmas party at my Mom’s house, we sang and sang and sang. Mr. Foy, Susan’s dad, stood next to me. He said that he was worried about standing to sing because his ears didn’t work like they used to so he has a hard time hearing certain frequencies, also in turn it has made it hard for him to balance as well, so he held on to me for balance a little bit and sang out of tune. He did a marvelous job! He sang his heart out. I like it when people like singing, even if it is not perfect. It tells me their heart is in the right place. There is a clip in Little Women, the movie, where they stand around the piano and sing carols. It makes Christmas, Christmas when carols are sung by a family. It doesn’t make any difference if there are good singers or bad singers. There is something to the adherence of the family that is distinguished by song. It binds and creates and loves a family into being a family. When we were standing around singing the carols, the family felt like a family, instead of this confusion of divorces and children and cousins and aunts and uncles. It was as though the ugliness of our family was cleansed by song. All of the sudden the new members of our family became just as valid as the old members. I guess it is because song is about heart and not head. Just like Mr. Foy, it doesn’t matter if you can sing it is that you sing. Same principal applies to the family. It is not if you are new or old members of the family, it is if you participate in the family that makes you a member. There are some people who are related to me and my parents and brother who do not participate in functions. They do not come to Christmas or Thanksgiving or go to graduations or weddings. They don’t even show up when there is someone special in town from out of town. They just don’t know how to be a member. Sometimes I wish I could tell them that all you have to do to be a member is show up. It is not hard nor does it require a lot of energy. I guess what it does require is a little bit of courage to face your fears. It seems strange to me to have a fear of family, but I recognize that some of my fears appear ridiculous to others. I know that if they sang a familiar tune with me, like a carol, they would bond and know that it is okay to be a participant in the family even if they are a small participant. I wish I could sing a song for them to bond them into this great evolved family of ours. Song would make it all better. It eases pain and makes the fears seem a little less intimidating. Song loves us back to a place of family. I really like our family. It is large and extends with great energy that place of security to me. Knowing that the Christmas party is at my Mom’s house and knowing that people like my Uncle Oze and my cousin Jenny wouldn’t miss it for the world, make it worth going and talking about the nothings of our lives. It places a security around me that lets me know that I am always a part of something larger. It lets me know that I have people who love and care about me even if it is from a distance. And yes, I got all of this out of standing around singing Christmas carols with and next to a man who I felt as though I had never met before, but has been here all of my life. Song makes a difference in my life. I am grateful for it today.

Supercalafragalisticexpialadocious....Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!Even though the sound of itIs something quite atrociousIf you say it loud enoughYou'll always sound precocious.....

This is what I thought of to say to the woman who looked at me with a mean spirit and harshness in her voice as she cursed me for not seating her immediately and without a reservation. I had gotten such a full house last night (I was the hostess) and was so short staffed, that I had to put people on a wait, including my reservations. I am grateful that I thought to say that to her instead of actually saying it to her, because then she would have realized how insane I really am and am not allowed to portray to the public as a servant. I was talking to two former waitresses about last evening's scenario and there is something that we all agreed on: everyone (no matter status or power) should work with the public in a retail and food service industry for at least a year. The woman who tossed her hair and flashed her rings at me last night (like that makes my servers and chefs serve or cook any faster) looked like what I would imagine a baroness would look like. She was stunning, tall, brunette with nicely done make-up and well decorated with high class clothing and accesories. She came complete with an accomodating male. He was tall, dark and handsome with salt and pepper hair. He bowed to her immediate frustration and swept her away to the restaurant across the street that screams class and ironically is run by meth heads. Somehow at the point that her frustration was worn out on me, I came to a complete meltdown on the inside. It is hard to lie and I became tired of doing so about four and a half years ago, so in the most polite ability I told her the truth. I was glad that she left when I was done. Typically, when a customer behaves in such a fashionable display it is good that they go because inevitably they are a hassle all evening and walk out with not only their satisfied misery but also a free meal. It is less costly when they are equally as truthful and run off to plague other environments. My sanity returned when the rush of people were full as ticks and charmingly exiting to their vehicles (people are always easier and more plesant when they are fed, like stray animals) and with it came a pleasant song that rang in my head and made me smile.

Chestnuts roasting on a an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

HOLY COW IT IS COLD! I sat in my car for twenty minutes this morning just to get to a point where the ice thinned enough so I could see. I didn't have an ice scraper so I used my spatula to try and break apart the ice. Although it wasn't really ice. I think it was snow crystals or something. My front windshield would break off like snow and my side windows had little snowflake looking pieces on them. It was as though my car had been decorated by a cloud. There is no humidity in the air at all, so I don't know how all of this is coming to collect on my car. It is supposed to snow on Sunday, which is the day of Mom's party. I hope it does. That would be so cool to go to Mom's Christmas party in snow. It would be like a Maxwell House commercial! Have the car all loaded up with gifts and bundled up in a warm coat and scarf headed down the road. . . no, maybe a Sweetwater Coffee House commercial (my as well have good coffee!).

Last night I waited on a party of 38. They were the youth group from St. Mark's Catholic church. I had no idea it would be as easy as it was. Since it was so many, it was the only thing I had to do. So I was in and out of there easy-peasy and sixty bucks to boot. Apparently, no one else would wait on them, which is kind of sad if you think about it. They were not hard to deal with or anything, just a massive amount of people. It was interesting to see the dynamics of the friendships that were interacting. There were the cool seniors who sat off by themselves in a corner. Then there were the young and up and coming sophomores who were full of youth and innocence with vitality and laughter. Then the juniors, they had that cool omniscence going on amongst them. The freshmen just hid. It was great fun and I think I probably sweated off ten easy pounds running in circles. I was also gratful to be home by about nine fifteen. I love it that I live across the street from where I work. It makes life so much easier.

I finally finished the end of "Out of Africa" last night, too. This is a movie that a girlfriend of mine has been trying to get me to rent forever now and I have finally seen it. It reminded me of "Scarface," I have no idea why people like it. It is awful. I remember going with my parents to that movie and falling asleep through it when I was little. It was so long and the music was so sleepifying. I felt the same thing about it this time around and I am no longer little. Oh well. Next in the queue is Casablanca. That has got to be a good one because Harry and Sally watch it all the time.

The weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

No it did not snow this morning, but it should have. Today is the first real day of winter we have had. I am used to having my car iced out for at least two weeks by now if not longer, but for some reason, winter did not show up until the end of yesterday. Mid-day yesterday the temperatures dropped. Very strange. We began the day yesterday at 44 and it went down to 40 and by night fall it was 32 degrees. This morning the bank signs were all fighting between 25 and 26 degrees. No matter how you look at it, it was cold. I expected ice on my car and was grateful to find that the cold was a dry cold. There was not any ice or frost. Although some of the cars here at work are having a spill with the frost all over the cars. We had four fogs in August so I expect that there will be four snows this winter. That is how the wives tale goes. I am glad that winter has shown up. Now I have a ligitamit reason for wearing my leather jacket other than that it qualifies for the season. I wore my new mittens today that my Mom got me last year for Christmas. They are thin...something or another. They are super warm and that is super important for me. I wore my nice wool, silk lined black pants today too. Hurray for winter! Now, for the snow...anyday.

Goodnight you moon light ladies, rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.

I almost felt like I couldn't get enough sleep this weekend. I got home from the concert on Thursday at midnight thirty and I felt like Thursday ran into Friday ran into Saturday. I slept in late (like until ten thirty late!) on Saturday. I worked Saturday night and slept in on Sunday too (ten thirty again!). You'd think I was was a teenager or something. Saturday I got to go to the coffee shop though and that is always a good thing. I had a tasty new creation called a vanilla mocha. It was awesome and spent some time with good friends. When I got home I opened my new netflix movies: The Piano, Out of Africa and Searching for Bobby Fisher. I watched two out of the three. I have yet to sit down with Out of Africa. Then work was slow slow....busyyyyyyyyyyy...dead. Amazing. Restaurants always leave you hanging! Sunday I was going to go to church, but I woke up so late I didn't make it, so I went to brunch with John and his boys. It was great. I had pancakes and scrambled eggs with cheese at Alice's Restaurant. Yummmmmy for my tummmmyyy. The rest of the day was spent with Grace. She is ten and her grandmother just passed and she needed new shoes (because she has grown out of her old ones) for the funeral (and church) and needed clogs for school. I had no idea how hard it would be to find age appropriate shoes for a ten year old who wears a ladies six and a half. We had to go to six stores! It took us five hours! At the last stop we finally found a pair of nice, dainty shoes for her and the name of the shoe was "Gracie" so we knew they were the right shoe. Then while we were in the store I got some new work shoes, too. Couldn't resist. We had been shopping for so long that by the time we were done, Grace couldn't tell her left from her right and we laughed and had hot chocolate all the way home. It was a good day. Then, I was exhausted again. I slept in five minutes for this morning. I am tired, but I know there is another weekend another time and sleep will be mine.

There is no rose of such virtue as is the rose that made Jesus...

I went to my Dad’s high school chorus concert last night, I began to think:

When I was growing up I had no idea Dad had such capability. Mostly, I was selfish and self centered to the core and the only thing I noticed about my Dad was that he told me “no” when I wanted to hear “yes.” I couldn’t see it then, but his “no's” saved my life many times. Now that I am of the age of awareness and am praying for removal of my character defects, there is a strange effect produced. This effect has been told to me is a spiritual experience. The side effects are awareness of “God things” and “God people” in my life and gratitude for those “God things and people”. My Dad is a completely a man of God. My Dad wanted to be a minister of music since he was thirteen. I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up and I am twenty-eight, or as my boyfriend teases me: "pushing" thirty. When my Dad had a life change about the time I was almost thirteen, I took it to heart and was hurt. I had no idea how hurt he was too. Change is hard for everyone, I guess. I also did not know that he was being pruned for the life he leads today. If the point is that we grow along spiritual lines, my father has done just that. While my Father does not "preach" the gospel of Christ, he is an example of living in faith. As a result, he is able to counsel those who need help and is able to guide and shape lives of youth for the betterment of their own lives...through music. Webster's says that a minister is someone who gives aid or service to someone else. My father has always been a man of God and is now a minister of youth through music. Not many people are able to live their dreams out. My Dad has done just that. Oh, my Dad is a genius, which always helps. Genius, according to Webster’s is: a: a single strongly marked capacity or aptitude, b: extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity. This is my Dad. Not many people are capable of having a father like that. Thank God that I do. Thank God that I am able and aware to see (and hear) that today. Thanks for the great performance Dad. It was magnificent.

We were above
You standing underneath us
We were not yet lovers
Dragons were smoked
Bumblebees were stinging us I was soon to be crazy
Eat, drink and be merry
For tomorrow we die'
Cause we're tripping billies

Oh my feet...my aching back...my legs...can you tell who wore the wrong shoes to work last night? Yes, I wore my healed boots for some reason and today I feel as though my lower half is coming apart at the seams. I guess I can only learn from my own mistakes though right? So be it. We had a slow and surprising night last night at the restaurant last night. We were slow and had a 13 top that grew into a twenty top walk in on the spot, no reservations. Typically that would put us in a bind, but mostly it just made us look busy. The thing about the slow amount of people is that it gave the servers the ability to actually serve and they made good money as a result. The restaurant is the only local restaurant that has any amount of atmosphere so everyone goes there. Unfortunately, it is poorly run in the front so a lot of times the service is bad. Last night was just the right pace for good service. There is no such thing as good service on the weekends unless you are a server like me who won't take more than she can handle. Weekends crack me up. I still like it though: the drama (there is always drama), the chaos (food and running equal chaos), the constant surprise of something new (customers spice things up). I love running around and making a couple extra hundred a week. It is also fast, mindless work that pays a living wage. Did you know that most women would rather wait tables than join the "work force" because they 1) don't have to be educated to work and 2) make enough to match that of some executives? I am not that good, but I like it because of the people. Generally speaking, I don't like people, but it is easy to like people for half an hour, to an hour at a time. It is cool to see families come in and sing their blessing or a set of women come in and exchange gifts or have two couples come in and gossip and cut up late night with wine and dessert. Watching the interactions of others even if it is from a warped perspective is what makes me my life interesting. Hopefully, I am just as interesting to others.

And I'm free in you
I've got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you

So last night was Iris's night. I went to Meg's house to and first thing, Iris didn't cry when she saw me. She played peek-a-boo around the corner of the kitchen cabinet (it was so cute!). Then Megan informed me that Iris had not had a nap all day and that she would probably knock out early. But as soon as Meg began to leave Iris began to cry. The last time Iris had not had a nap all day, we walked the entire time Meg was gone. I was so afraid. So, Meg finally hopped into her car and left me with the crying child. Within fifteen minutes she was out like a light. So I watched some silly movie on TV. Then I realized it was almost time to leave and Iris was still sleeping. I was afraid to wake her. I tiptoed around her and got all of her things together. Then there was the dilemma of the car seat. How was I to get her in it with out waking her? NO PROBLEM! I put her in the car seat and then everything went out to the car. Never even blinked open those beautiful blue eyes. Off we went to meet with friends and talk about God. Iris likes the God talk. She is peaceful, easy feeling when there is God about. When we got there, poof like magic she woke. She wakes up so softly it is hard to tell she is awake. Then she was soo good while all the adults were adults. There were two wanna be moms there who totally entertained her the whole time (much to my relief!), so she was tickled pink. She faked them out so bad. She pretended like she wasn't walking yet so they would carry her everywhere! She is walking like crazy. What a ham! Then the coolest thing ever happened...as I began to load up the Iris pack of stuff, I asked one of the wanna be moms to watch her a moment longer. As I began to walk out the door, Iris began to cry...for me. She was upset that I was leaving her! She doesn't like me at all and here she was asking for me! I couldn't believe it! Iris likes me!! She likes the big bad evil babysitter who makes mom go away! I was so overwhelmed! So all three of us, myself, Iris and the wanna be, went to the car together. Hurray! Iris likes me! Who would ever guess?

i say love will come to you hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true as if I've offered up a crystal ball to look through where there's now one there will be two

Well, I had a pretty good weekend.

First, Friday night I worked at Zanzo's and made over a hundred bucks (yippee for a good Christmas!).

Then on Saturday, I lulled in bed until late. I went to the Christmas Market on the square and picked up some tre-trendy gifts. Then I went to Sweetwater on an errand for my flower shop buddy. Then I went back to Sweetwater to sit around and drink coffee, talk about the Allmand Brothers to a band-aid who lent me his four disc set! WOW! it is super cool! and grab more gifts. I started my new book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I remember reading in highschool but haven't read it since, so I ordered a snazy copy online. I am so suprised at the writing. It is SO good. Just the opening line from every chapter makes me want to keep on plugging away at it. It is a hard read though because of the dialect writing...I mean she writes in the style that the characters would say it. It will take me longer than usual, but I read three or four chapters of it on Saturday. Then, off to the movie store. I rented "Before Suset," "The Clearing," and "City of God" (the last of which ended up being not in the dvd case!). The other two were great. I finally found a good movie store to rent from, unfortunately it is not the one on the square in Clarkesville, it is in Cornelia. It has more movies than I can dream of, which I guess is why they call themselves a warehouse...duh. "Before Sunset" has a prequel of "Before Sunrise" (appropriate) which I didn't know about, but even so, I still fell into the movie. It was so romantic. Better than Meg Ryan. That is hard to do! Then Saturday night, John and I headed over to a friend's house to have "Cinncinati Chili" which was excellent and watch the SEC final game. Auburn rocked the house. I was so impressed. I thought it was appropriate that at the end of the game they went to the wrong locker room though...still from Alabama those folks are! John and I had a great time. The tv we watched the game on was enormous. It was a "projected" screen, what ever that means (other than really big!).

Finally, Sunday I went to church. I went to the Episcopal Church behind my house. It was a really nice service and the sermon was on hope. It was about the preparation of hope. It was good. The only thing about Episcopals that just grates me is that their music doesn't make a bit of since. It might have to do with the music staff there though. Every song is something off the wall and difficult, none of it is standard carols. It would make sense for the music to at least be singable, but it just isn't. I don't understand that yet. Guess I will find out why over time. Then Sunday was busy. I went to Clayton to take care of some business, and then back home to go to a meeting. I was out of milk and things and had to run to the store. I ended up in bed on time, but could go to sleep to save my life. I ended up reading about King Arthur until about eleven o'clock, when I finally gave up. I love the stories of King Arthur...well the book is the Once and Future King, but I am on the middle book and it is just as good as the first. I can't wait for the third.

Today is a restful day with only a small bit of work. Normally I would say that this is the "big" fax day that takes three days, but they (being upper management) recognized my pain and got me a super fax machine as compensation for putting me in the basement by myself. I am done for the day and it is only three o'clock. I don't know what to do with myself! It is lovely.

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man....

I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged since Friday!! And that I forgot to tell my Dad happy birthday on my blog……

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!

Sorry bout that Dad, I think I got carried away visiting with you and the rest of the family. I would have to say that in the past couple of days I have been in better spirits as a result of my days off. I think sometimes if I don’t plug into my family, I just go bonkers. I feel like my batteries are recharged. Work doesn’t even seem that bad, which is amazing because I thoroughly dislike my job. I came in on Monday morning to find that they had completely moved me to the basement. I am down here by myself with no one to bother me. My work gets done faster, my life is not nearly as interrupted and my insides are not so screwed up. There are a few stragglers on occasion nosing around trying to find out what is down here other than me…..nothing. My boss and the rest of the marketing crew won’t be here until after the holidays. They are trying to give a Christmas gift to every doctor who refers to our services in the next three, four weeks…that is like eight hundred doctors a piece covering the entire state of Georgia, parts of the Carolinas, Tennessee and Alabama. It also means that I am here alone with little to no visitors. I think it really helps my attitude!

My vacation went well. I played a game with my brother and Dad called the “Settlers of Catan” which is similar in nature to monopoly, but not nearly as long or as treacherous. The really cool thing is that not once did I quit or was told to leave the game. That is really cool. I also watched almost the entire second season of the West Wing. I wasn’t sure that anyone else thought like I do until I saw that program. I recognize that I am a minority in politics here in Podunk County with a whole state that is “red.” Sometimes it gets overwhelming though and between the West Wing and my parents, I am recharged and no that I am not alone in my ideas of politics. Although the republican woman on West Wing did make me think and quite possibly change my mind on the era amendment. I don’t know, I still have to think about it. I don’t know that I could ever get enough of the West Wing. It is just good drama, kind of like Law and Order, good drama.

We also as a family went to a funeral. I don’t particularly care for funerals. They are not “Fun.” But I do care about people who are touched by heavy grief. I have never personally experienced heavy grief. I guess I use the term heavy incorrectly because what I mean is intimate. The people who have died around me make sense and I don’t have sorrow over them. My grandmother is fine. She is one of the best Christian women I know and have ever known. My friend Milton is fine. He was right with the world and God. My friend Jeff, who died of an overdose, is probably right where he is supposed to be. I don’t even pretend to guess in God’s judgment on issues like that. My God is an infinite God and can probably think of more possibilities than I can ever imagine. Just the same none of these people were my father or my mother or my best friend. Mostly they were at arms length. I think it meant a lot to the man’s wife that not just my parents were there rather that we attended as a family. He was a good childhood memory for me, but I can’t say when the last time I saw him was. I know to my parents, he was much more. I know that he was a friend. I know that as a family friend, he is a great loss because now when we share memories, and use the past tense verbs something will set in that there will never be another present tense for him. That is sad. I was glad that we went. There is something to be said for familiarity no matter how long ago it was.

Sunday was my slug day. I traveled and slept. I was grateful to be a slug. Sometimes it is just needed. I was grateful to get back to John too. I didn’t realized how much I missed him until I saw him.

I think I have decided to get a small, live tree this year. I am tired of not having a Christmas spirit home and it is something I have wanted since I moved up here and have never been able to have. I know that my living space won’t handle a regular tree, but there is a tree farm up the road from me and I am sure they will have all sizes. That would make a nice memory for me even if I have to vacuum every night. Christmas is here. I am excited because I have made another decision to attend the Episcopal church during advent. I don’t know if I will be a regular, but I want to experience advent again. I miss not going to church and I have been sitting in on their Sunday school class for some time and drop in on occasion to their church service. I really like the people and the priest. The priest has the ability that Dr. Gannon had a Smoke Rise: she has never forgotten my name after I introduced myself. That is a talent. I didn’t think I would meet another person like that, but I did. She doesn’t have the tear button though. I like her. I think Christmas will be good as a result.

Vacation and Christmas…I have a feeling it will get more intense through out the month. December is a hectic but entertaining month. I am glad it is at the end of the year. If it were a kick off, I would be worn out by February.

Don't surround yourself with yourself,
Move on back two squares,
Send an instant comment to me,
Initial it with loving care
Don't surround
Yourself.

I was on my way to Thanksgiving dinner today and listening to my badly copied version of the "almost famous" soundtrack when I realized that when left to my own devices I will surround myself with myself, which only leads me to extreme selfishness and self centeredness. Listening to the song it sounded like it was telling me to go back and be with my family. Maybe it was just the day, I don't know. Or maybe it was the fact that I was so excited about going to see my Mom and Dad. Today I have lots of families, but there is my blood and it has the most significant place in my heart. I hadn't seen them in what feels like forever and I desperately missed them. John was so kind. He was actually glad to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. That means so much to me because my family means so much to me. I love it when everyone under the sun shows up for holiday dinners and even though none of us really know each other because we are far apart through physical distance or familial distance or maybe just age, whatever the reason, it is still good to see that person and have that sense of belonging. Some times it has been said that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. This seems so unbelievable to me because I know so many people whose family have totally rejected them due to behavior or choices made or any number of things. My family never turns me out. They never have rejected no matter how badly I have behaved or what choices I make. Based on that unconditional acceptance is what I base my logic for God, if there is such a thing. I believe that God does the same thing. I have heard it said that there is only one way to get to God and that is the fundamental belief that God will reject and accept based on that one path. I have made so many mistakes. I have made so many wrong decisions. How is it that an infinite God can have a finite path and a finite family have an infinite number of paths? I don't really. . . What I know is that today, I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that I don't have to surround myself with myself only to head to that place of separation in turn selfishness and fear, but that I have a place amongst many who want me, love me and are unconditional about me thus giving me the hope, faith and ability to give to others. I am still learning about having the ability to be unconditional, but I am grateful that I have a family who can teach me through the example in which they set. I am grateful to sit with them for the next four days and revel in their love and let the minister to my soul. I am grateful that my Dad had his birthday today, rather yesterday. I am grateful that my Mom and he are still married. I am grateful that my Mom is my Mom. I am so glad to be home.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Oh my, there is nothing like a little gratitude for my life to make me cry. I went last night to the place where I began. I went to the blue house. It was turkey dinner with Tom and Elaine Hickey. People came in and braved the storm from everywhere. It was nice. We had turkey and ham. There was green beans and sweet and mashed potatoes. Then afterwards we all sat around and introduced ourselves and said what we are grateful for today. I said that I was grateful that Megan had Iris and that we had repaired our relationship enough that she would entrust me with her daughter. I said I was grateful for high class problems and I was grateful to have the opportunities to practice the principals in all my affairs. I came out of there with an outpouring in my heart because it was so full of love. I knew that I loved those people in that room and I knew that they loved me too. It is not about who they are or what they have done. It is about a connection that occurs when something as powerful as the recovery of a tragedy affects people. We have each had our own tragedy that is unique to each and yet we all have the same recovery of it and that is what brings us together and binds us in times like these. There were several who were missing, some were drinking, some were drugging, some in jails and prisons, some in institutions and some were dead….like Jeff. They were noted and greatly missed. Those who were not there are the greatest teachers. They teach me what to do in order to not get things in life. Their message is powerful and clear: It could be me. For whatever reason, I have not found it necessary to return to the life I was snatched out of four and a half years ago. Some people say it is grace, or mercy. Some people say that it is wit and intelligence. Some say it has to do with the way that I was raised as to why I didn’t stay drunk. I say it is God. I don’t use that as a reason, rather a fact. Why God chose me, I don’t know. I just know that he did. That is what I am grateful for today.

A Pizza Hut, A Pizza Hut,
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut

So today I thought I would splurge and eat something absolutely awful and headed to McDonald’s. The other reason is that I needed desperately to get away from the office and Mcky D’s is fifteen minutes out. I went there thinking that I would get a number two with a large sweet tea (cheese burgers are just my favorite indulgent item next to chocolate klondikes) only to find that I had forgotten about the change. McDonald’s has caught quite a bit of flack for being centers of obesity, when in reality it is about the people who are eating there. Point is that they are desperately trying new things; so much so that the McDonald’s in Cornelia is a pilot McDonald’s. Cornelia was specially picked and totally remodeled. The inside of it has sit down tables with linens and a wait staff. There are the best tables in the house that surround a fire place to give the perception that you are in a fancy restaurant. You can order steak and potatoes if you wish. There are luxuriant salads and any nature of fancy dishes. The drive through has been up graded to a double drive through to handle the traffic and there isn’t a parking spot in the entire lot. I just wanted a cheeseburger. Strangely enough, that is not what I ended up eating. There is a new line of food for their drive through customers: paninis. They are using a panini grill to make sandwiches and burritos (yes, burritos). I had a chicken panini with hot sauce for lunch with a garnish of parsley and an orange and of course French fries (no point in going to McDonald’s other wise). It was soooooo good. It also cost me seven bucks! I have never ordered seven dollars worth of food from there! McDonald’s is sure moving up in the world. It is the place to be for the working man to get a good meal. It will definitely give the other fast foods a run for their money. Even Chick-Fil-A would have a struggle against this pilot. And that is saying a lot, because I am a die hard Chick-Fil-A fan. Go Mcky D’s!

Oh my darlin’
Oh my darlin’
Oh my darlin’ Clementine!!

Whenever singing the above lyrics please add extreme southern accent and air banjo. There is a guy at work who I have seen around town, who is known by the wait staff as the whistler. He is tall and lanky and has bright red hair. He looks to be in his early fifties and has a beard and mustache. He is our dishwasher. He churns better than the other two who do the job, but he doesn’t really say two bits to anyone except the owner. The only thing I can figure is that at work he must be dry. Mostly in Helen, he is known as a “town drunk.” There are quite a few in Helen. Both he and his wife are known for their antics. It is quite entertaining. Anyway, he whistles the entire time he is at work. He isn’t repetitive either. It is like a cd player stuck on Steven Foster and old American hymns. It is funny because I know all of the songs he whistles and the wait staff mostly just roles their eyes. He doesn’t really exist with out his whistle though. I think that if he stopped whistling, I’d never know he was there.

Last night at work they trained me on the register for host. The girl who was supposed to train me ended up almost going to the hospital because of her nose bleeds: yes more than one. I love the restaurant industry, it has great drama. I was trained by an owner who was awesome. She has such a laid back persona. It was an easy enough task. Once she showed me how the thing worked and realized that I was good to go, she went on about her merry way, which is good because I got good practice. I wait tonight and tomorrow night. I figure these are good nights because it means that I will make more than just a couple of bucks. I wonder too if I get one of those miniature pay checks that come with waiting tables. I have gotten checks from a restaurant before for zero dollars, but they have to print them because they take taxes out on us.

We are having our “birthday dinner/thanksgiving dinner” today here at work. It is crazy. There are two people having birthdays and then we have a turkey and are drawing names for secret Santa to boot. We are supposed to spend only ten dollars on our Secret Santa’s gift, but that is impossible these days unless you get them a candle or socks. What’s the point? When I give, I give big. I hope I can give to someone I know. We have hired so many new people that I don’t have the slightest idea who some folks are. Some one asked me if I would make the dressing for the turkey…yeah, right. I can’t cook! I looked at them and asked them what dressing was. The surprise reaction on their face was totally worth it.

We also had pictures made today. They took mug shots on a digital camera to put on the front of our Christmas cards to mail out to all the doctors we serve. Our heads are to be ornaments on a Christmas tree. Can you imagine: fifty mug shots on the Christmas tree going to Emory doctors? What a joke. Those doctors will laugh their hind ends off. At least the shots will be so small no one can tell who they really are. Oh, I really hope that there are some serious possibilities at my interview on Monday. CBS. I have an interview with CBS. That is so cool.

I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Hurray!! I have a job interview!! It is for Monday at four thirty and Zanzo’s is letting me off to go and interview! It is for a traffic coordinator who will perform multiple clerical duties including advertising orders in daily broadcast logs (what ever that means). All I saw was that it was something that I had experience in but was completely different than anything I had ever done. The station is WNEG-TV out of Toccoa, which now that I live in Clarkesville, is only about fifteen minutes from me. It is the first bite that I have had and while I am grateful for the interview, I am not worried about the pressure to take a job because I don’t necessarily need one, but if the price is right might take one. They say when job hunting out of college that the job seeker should interview the employer just as much as they do you. I have never had that opportunity because I have always been so desperate and in a crunch. Now, I do. I can say, “Do you offer benefits?” and “No, I won’t wait ninety days”. I can say I “my salary requirements are” instead of “I’ll take what ever you’re offering.” It is dreamy and almost makes this job worth working at to know that I am worth other jobs. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not trapped. Sometimes I feel trapped. Even if I decided not to take the job (See that, my thinking is changing), at least I know and can ward off that feeling of being trapped. I already have my resume on fancy paper and everything! I am so prepped and ready to take on the wide world of interviewing! Hurray!

I listen to my words
but they fall far below
I let my music take me
where my heart wants to go

I love Iris. She took one step last night all by herself. I couldn’t believe it. Both myself and my friend that was there with Megan and I howled with delight. Iris was so shocked. She looked at us with skewed eyebrows and mouth drawn and then sat down and crawled. I think we scared her. I baby sat her at Megan’s new apartment. It is so nice. It was an easier transition on Iris too. She didn’t cry a tear. Her dad was there not long after so I was done early last night which was good. I got into bed on time last night as opposed to Iris time.

I get to wait tables tonight. I am grateful for that job. If nothing else, Christmas will be great this year.

I have let my nursery job know that I won’t be working the nursery anymore so my last Sunday is this Sunday. I am excited about being able to go to Christmas services at the Episcopal Church. I really like the people there and most importantly the priest. She always has the best sermons. I don’t understand all the rituals they do, but I don’t have to understand. Their choir is not great, but that is not really why I like it. I really like the Sunday school and the priest. There are no good choirs up here. The big Baptist church claims a good choir, but I know better. It is hard to have a good choir with out a minister of music and using tapes. Bleck! The nice thing about Smoke Rise was that Christmas was such a big deal. It made advent so special. I don’t know that there is another church out there like it.

Satellite, headlines read
Someone's secrets you've seen
Eyes and ears have been

Normally I would try to explain myself, but I am not going to today. I have taken up a new job (on top of my old one) of waiting tables at the Italian restaurant (yes, there is only one in three counties) that just happens to be across the street from my apartment. It is a lovely establishment. It has a tuscan feel to it through both the ambience of place and the food. The owners are unfortunately unsurprising. It is a husband/wife team and he is the chef and she cooks the books. Neither of them have waited before and it is evident through the way the floor plan is laid out. It is hard work waiting tables. My feet hurt and I am tired. My hand strength is not up to par so I can't carry nearly as much as three years ago when I worked at the Grill. I have already plastered a spinach dip on the back wall near the bread station (first shift too!) and have forgotten to put a table's order. Even though all of this is typical and nothing new about the job, the thing that I like, the thing that I really like the most is that waiting tables is it is comfortable. I fit into it like a hand in glove. The owners love me and think that I am the best waitress they have ever seen. I don't walk into the kitchen or out of the kitchen without something in my hands. I am forever clearing and serving, as the job constitutes. I cut bread to prep for a rush. I help other servers and the kitchen. Best of all, I don't have to think. The owner barks just like every other owner I know. His wife fusses just like every partner I have ever known. They both magically jump ship and disappear at critical times. There is nothing to expect, there is nothing to not expect. The money is not as good as what I made in Atlanta, but I have not had nearly as many tables in one night as I have had in Atlanta. I am so far making about fifty bucks a night, which is about ten dollars a table. That means overall I am making about fourteen to fifteen an hour, depending on how long I stay and help close up. The life is consistent and unharmed. It is as though, even though it is in a different restaurant, nothing has changed. It is a constant chaos that I have lived in for so long. It feels like home.

Brinkley is my dog. He likes to eat bits of pieces of bagels and pizza off the sidewalk while I’d rather buy them. Brinkley is a great catcher! He was once offered a try out on the Mets farm team, but decided to live with me where he sleeps all day on a big green pillow the size of an inner-tube.


Yesterday was exciting and refreshing. I baby-sat Iris yesterday as usual. I tried to do something different so that she wouldn’t wig out on me. It was probably the simplest task I could think of for me and was increasingly difficult to include Iris. I went to the grocery store. What an event! I needed some odds and ends and Iris needed some soy milk (she is lactose intolerant). So we went together. Her mom was late for work so I met her across the street at the restaurant and stole her car and she went to work. Meg was all shot out and baffled because her life is in transition due to moving. (Hurray Meg will be close to me again!) She was frustrated and confused because half of her stuff was in Sautee and the other half in Demorest. Her car was half full of boxes and the other half of baby stuff. Anyway, first things first, Iris and I cleaned out the car. Then off to the supermarket. Well the market. Getting Iris into the market was not as easy as I thought. Shopping was easy enough though. I got her a bag of chips right off and she crunched them in one hand and had the keys in the other. She was tickled to be grocery shopping. Once we were done, we had a nice young gentleman carry our groceries out to the car, which made it super easy to get Iris back into her seat. Then back off to the apartment. This is where it got really hard. Remember how I told you I have started going to the gym again? Well I worked out legs and abs first on Monday, ouch. Then yesterday was back and abs, oof. By eight o’clock last night I was sore, but that didn’t make any difference: I still had to get both Iris and grocery bags up to the apartment. I took two loads of groceries and that baby up and down two flights of stairs. Oh, my, gosh…..THEN! I had to put them all away and Iris was not having being on the floor playing with toys, she wanted to be a part of the action on the counter tops. To compensate, I opened the fridge door to let her play in there. She was much happier. Then, I could see it in her eyes….sleepy time. She fought it too. I put on Harry Potter I, which I rented and I think between John Williams and a bottle of Soy milk, zonk, she was out like a light. Hurray! Normally she naps out at about seven o’clock until about eight thirty, but not getting that nap until eight thirty, she slept until Megan got back. She sleeps on my big green comforter that my folks got me with a whole set as my sixteenth birthday gift (along with painting my room and new pillows and …). She loves it because it is so soft. So do I.

While I was hauling Iris up and down the stairs with the groceries, I kept thinking that there was a lesson in all of this. I finally decided that this was God’s way of saying that I could raise a child if I wanted to or if I had to raise a child. I don’t know if that was the message or not though. I can’t figure out how Megan does the little things like taking a shower or eating. I was exhausted by the time Iris went down and bets are that she didn’t sleep through the night. Maybe she did. I was really grateful to not have to make the decision on having an Iris of my own last night. At least though, if I had an Iris, I know I could.

Ready, ready, ready
Ready to run,
All I wanna do is have some fuuuunn….

So yesterday I made the smartest move of all time to save my interaction from the office, I labeled water in the basement. See, folks in the office are upset because I won’t give them any more gossip material about my life, in other words, I won’t talk to them about my personal life. So last week I was “confronted” in a grand nature of drama that comes with southern women and told that I was to shape up. Yesterday, once again, I was able to keep my self to myself, except this time I was nice about it. I haven’t been being very nice about it. Yesterday, I was nice. I removed myself altogether. I went to the basement (which is where they are moving my department anyway) and labeled water (it is a marketing thing). It was refreshing to be away from all the overwhelming racket of the folks upstairs that I am normally surrounded. I did eat lunch with them (them is the snoops and gossips) and manage to survive. I did it to try and create some kind of penance, mostly it just made me uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. Where to? Anywhere but there.

There was a good thing about yesterday. I went to the gym. Oh how rewarding! I haven’t been to the gym in almost six months and all of my clothes are snug to the nth degree and I am constantly uncomfortable because of this. The gym that I was going to went out of business on account that one of the partners ran off with 90K of the money. He was arrested because he didn’t leave the county. Duh. Brilliant thieves. But the folks, who came in to reopen it, opened it too expensive for my blood. So I haven’t worked out in a while. Then John, being the work out fiend that he is, sought out a new place as his old membership was running out. He found the place across the street from my apartment. It is a nice little gym. I signed on as his spouse for a discounted rate. Yeah, that freaked me out. But, at least I can afford it. I went yesterday for the first time and it was wonderful. I forgot how much I loved it. I felt like I could stay there all day doing cardio and crunching and weights and lunges. I feel better today too. I am a little sore around the edges, but mostly I just want to go back and get on the elliptical for another hour. My spirits were up and my body felt good. I walked over there and walked back. I took a shower in my shower and didn’t have to rush off anywhere. It was so convenient and so relaxing. They also have a sauna in the women’s locker room. I can’t wait to use it. It feels like a real gym too. There are old and new machines with local folks everywhere. There is a racquetball court and a free weight room. It is built into an old building so it is on three levels. It is very well structured. It feels like a city gym. Oh how much I miss the city and how grateful I am to live in a miniature city right now.

And I thank the Lord for the people I have found,
I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

While Mona Lisas and mad hatters,
sons of bankers, sons of lawyers,
turn around and say, "good morning" to the night.
For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why,
they know not if it's dark outside or light.


After a long weekend of fun, I am returned to work surprisingly refreshed. I had a lot on my plate this weekend and was emotional to boot. I went to a wedding reception on Saturday, for which the bride and groom had been married for months. That was weird. It felt as though it was lacking. The bride was beautiful and the groom handsome and sweet. But I guess part of the magic of the celebration comes from the adjoining in the presence of God and they didn’t do that. They went to the courthouse two months ago and then decided they wanted a reception too. I stayed as long as I could and decided it was time for me to go. From there I went and typed up minutes for the district. I got to talk to my Mom for a while too which always makes me feel better. Saturday night I went down to Buford to here a friend of mine speak. She did well and I was glad that I went. It turns out she is a “pk” like me and so I could identify to what she had to say. She was more adventurous than I ever was, but the emotions were very similar. Sunday felt more hectic than it actually was. I did the nursery at the Church which was easy this week because they were doing catechisms. I don’t know what that means other than that we ended up with no kids most of the time. There was a point when a couple adults came into the room where the temporary nursery is (it doubles as a library while they are remodeling the other building) and was able to talk with them for a while about the different dogmas. They both made well informed decisions in choosing the church. I have always been attracted to that particular church even though it is Episcopalian. The congregation is a good cross section of people; on the more positive side, most of those I have met are educated either through life or schooling. It is nice to be with people who think like me and have similar backgrounds. I almost want to bail out on the nursery so I can attend Sunday school and big Church; however, the nursery is my Christmas fast cash. The kids are pretty easy to take care of because mostly they are all well parented. Then from there I went back to the apartment and regrouped. I left for district which was in Dahlonega. It is a long drive to get there, but this time of year it is quite beautiful. The leaves are almost gone but the mountains still maintain the quality of richness with or with out God’s paint. I hadn’t been to Dahlonega in over six months and I had forgotten about how much I loved that area. From there I went to Sautee for Iris’s first birthday party. How much fun is it to see a little girl open gifts? Everyone put the gifts in bags which is her favorite thing to do (take things out of bags is her thing) so although she didn’t notice the gifts, she totally enjoyed herself. Some of the gifts were practical (diapers, clothes, baby shampoo, etc). Others were great fun and ridiculous perfect for the girl. It was a nice ending to a fast paced day. I went from there to regroup and took shelter for the evening. I went to the meeting in Clarkesville and headed for quiet time in the apartment with candles and my book. It was good closure for the day. I slept so hard last night that I almost didn’t make it this morning when the alarm went off. I have had a hard time wanting to come to work lately and am not happy with the people I work with or the job in general. It gets worse on a daily basis. I am trying to do my best though and that is all that is required of me. I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. It will be five days off which will be perfect vacation time at home with the folks. It is like getting my batteries recharged when I go home and I haven’t done it in a long time. Hopefully this week will be more….less intense than last week. Hopefully, things will trot along in stride like they are supposed too.

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night

Monday, I took the night off. I went to the movie store to rent movies and there was nothing, so I rented a bad foreign film flick, a new stupid funny movie called dorm daze (good rentable, but heavy on the sex jokes) and thought of Carter while I was there and just had to rent Varsity Blues to remind myself how bad it was. I would have to say the good thing about VB is that it has some great images even if the plot line sore. I did have a hard time with Dawson’s hair being the wrong color. My suggestion for football movies though are Friday Night Lights and Rudy. Both are well worth the dough.

Today is a sad/happy day. There is no new president (sad). Iris is one, yesterday (happy). I gave her a stack of stuff after babysitting last night. Megan figured out a trick to make her less of a cry baby: put her in the car first thing. So I picked Iris up from Meg’s new apartment (yes Meg is moving to Demorest! Hurray!!)and put Iris in the car and the only time she cried was just before she fell asleep as most babies do. It was a good evening. Yeah Iris! She is STILL not walking. She is crawling like a maniac, but she is just not interested in the whole walking thing yet. Mom said that I walked before I crawled! Ha, how’s that for you. She said that Mr. Gray put me on the stage at Centerville and ask me to walk over to him and I did (I have always been a bit of an achiever: bit is the key word, the rest went to Carter!). Hopefully, Iris will be walking in the next month or two. She is also teething like crazy. She was crazy about ice last night. Crazy. I have come to find that I really like baby sitting Iris, but I couldn’t imagine her full time. Oof. Go Megan. I am really grateful to be the babysitter today.

H, A, double L-O, double U, double E-N, spells Halloween……

Well, it seems as though I thought I posted that Milton had died. Maybe not, however it is okay because Jeffy died too. Milton died sober, Jeffy overdosed. Two funerals in one day. Ruff. It has been weird in my world ever since.

On a lighter note… Because there are no neighborhoods (only farms) in Habersham County, the kids go out onto the town squares…..all three thousand of them not including parents were on the Clarkesville Square Saturday evening. Three thousand little goblins….I am glad that they couldn’t find my door because I didn’t have that much candy. The businesses all set up booths and there was face painting and candy and treats galore. There was popcorn and hotdogs and bobbing for apples and all kinds of fun and games. I had a double dinner date with John and another couple in Demorest and sat in the midst of the goblins totally mystified by the excitement for over twenty minutes of traffic just to get out of traffic. Amazing. It is probably the most exciting Halloween ever next to the time I won third place and a pound of M&M’s in third grade for my costume.

Sunday was nice. There were no stressors or obligations. I bought Rocky when I went to get Halloween candy the day before and watched it. It is still a good movie, although I never realized that Sly wrote the movie; that was cool to learn. Then I cleaned while Romeo & Juliet played in the background. I vacuumed and scrubbed my tub and had great fun. Then I rested in sloppy clothes out on my white wicker furniture and began reading “The Once and Future King.” It is a really good novel. I read that until the meeting. Once the sun went down, I lit candles for ambience even though the emergency lights came on. It was nice. I had music playing focusing the speaker out the window, which just added to the moment. I like moments that are so well created.

While you around here play
Wild on the warm and far away
While you around here play
The days keep scrbbling themselves
In tidy lines

What great fun! I went to two new places and one new beach. I went to Jekyll Island and St. Simon’s Island. John and I left on Thursday evening and got down there in the middle of the night. Our friends were already there and up late playing cards. We stayed in a suite on the beach. Oh, what a wonderful thing. There was a huge jetty and John and I played in the rocks to smell the sea, it was high tide so we couldn’t walk down it the actual beach its self.

Friday was great. We slept in and dilly dallied around the condo until about two o’clock. Then we tooled over to the historical district (Later renamed the hysterical district due to the amount of laughter that would erupt every time we entered it!) to look around. There were beautiful Cape Cod style homes turned into museums, but they were closed until Saturday, so we stopped at the oyster bar and went into the dolphin shop. I was able to get gifts for my girlfriends for under $10! Go Rachel for being a smart shopper! Then we hung out at the “Rah” bar for a while. I don’t eat oysters, but I loved the company of all the people and the diet coke tasted just like it did in north Georgia so I could stand it. From there we went back to freshen up a bit and out to dinner we went with MORE friends! I had my all time favorite: boiled shrimp with cowboy ketchup. From there it was off to the convention center for a speaker and dancing and more fun. I had to turn in after all that fun, but the rest of the condo stayed up late and played cards.

Saturday, I slept in and watched dog shows: who would guess they were so interesting? Then I went to brunch at the Fourth of May on St. Simons Island with a group of girlfriends. We did a little shopping while we were at it. I came home just in time to meet up with the golfers who had left early that morning to play in a tournament. John and I took some time on our own and went back over to the hysterical district to visit the previously closed museums. They were awesome. One was the house of the Rockafellers (sp), which was actually closed, but we peeped through the windows. The other was opened due to an artists sculpture work being on display. It was a man named Fiore? Anyway, what was there was cool. Then the third house was full of photography art. It was cool too. It was an actual art center and the upstairs was used for class while the downstairs was used as a gallery. We had great fun wandering around and learning. From there we went back and freshened up for a really nice dinner at Latitude 31. Again it was shrimp, although this time it included scallops and a cool salad with white linen and a great over look onto a bay.

Sunday was a rough day. Milton went to the hospital. He came for the weekend because he said that he wanted to see the ocean again. He has lung cancer. He pulled out his oxygen hose out of his nose while he slept. His blood oxygen levels are supposed to be above 90 and they were at 40. Needless to say, it was an ambulance ride at five-thirty in the morning to the local hospital for him. He is still there. We had to leave him in ICU. They have to drain one of his lungs and they said that he would need 24 hour care, which means either a nurse in the home or a nursing home. He won’t be back up here until probably Tuesday or Wednesday. They haven’t released him to hospice or anything, but apparently it means that he won’t live much longer: like less than a two months. That’s sad. We didn’t get home until almost ten o’clock. I was glad that I didn’t drive because I got to sleep.

What a great weekend. Even though Milton is sick, which he has been sick for a while, it was still a good weekend. Milton got to see the ocean. The rest of us got to play. Whew, vacation is good.

Buildings and bridges
Are made to bend in the wind
To withstand the world,
That's what it takes
All that steel and stone
Is no match for the air, my friend
What doesn't bend breaks
What doesn't bend breaks—ani defranco

Today was a hard work day. I am not really big into being picked on and I was picked on by my super boss. This is the second time in about two weeks that I have been chewed by upper management and I snapped. I cried. With in about thirty seconds of me unleashing the first tear, the whole office knew. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn’t want to be here any more. I have wanted for so long to hold down a job, a good job for a year, at least one year. Now I know why I haven’t been able to do it. It is really hard. I don’t want this job and it is a good job. It pays my bills, it gives me insurance, and there are people here who are just like me in age and in mind, to some degree. My brother tells me that I have never realized how great I am. I think it is because I have maintained jobs like this one. I guess once your get your year, which I did on 10-10-04, you are assumed fussable. All the charm that you had and potential is swept to the side and the defects go into overdrive. I want to say drop dead please, but somehow that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. I recognize that the benefits are tying me into this company and I also am becoming painfully aware of the shortcomings of it as well. I think it might be time for me to find out how great I really am.

Cast me gently into morning...

So finally, this weekend, I slept. I didn’t think I would ever rest. There was no work. There were no people from work. There was nothing work related in the least. This morning I woke up beautiful and refreshed. More was done today than ever in the Marketing Department. I love feeling good.

Friday night was dinner at Milton’s house. We had some type of pork and sweet potatoes and apples. It was delectable. There were crescent roles and salad. It was John’s turn to cook because I cooked last Friday, but he cheated because the dish was left by someone and all he did was reheat the food. I actually boiled the shrimp and cooked the chicken and rice.

The weekend was delightful. The trees are all bursting with color. The peak weekend is on its way. John and I went yard sale-ing. With his new job came a new office. It is totally sleek and urban with that touch of mountain feel. We went to see if there was any office furniture in the sales. We ended up with no office furniture, but tons of winter clothes for Iris for five dollars! I love yard sales. Our friend Tony pal-ed around with us too and he got a couple of good books for fifty cents! Did I mention that I love yard sales? I think I get it from my Papa. He loves yard sales too.

Then Saturday night we ate yummy dessert and coffee at the Nachoochee Grill. Mmmm. Butterscotch brownies and ice cream and high dollar coffee. Sunday was a fairly lazy day. There were no children in the nursery so I sat for the adult Sunday school class which meets for the first hour in the same space. They are studying “The Purpose Driven Life” which is about enhancing your spiritual walk with God via the author’s suggestions. Most of the people here in my office have read and done the book and many outside of the office that I know too. Just being an outsider looking in to the class, I am not impressed. It teaches similar values to those I have already learned in the past several years, so I just listened; then, no kids for big church, so I went home. The afternoon was filled with movies and cleaning and art renderings and the like. Very peaceful.

I’ve been working on the railroad….all the live long day….

It will be too soon if I see this office again. Oh my goodness, I work too much. I haven’t blogged in forever not to mention write anyone email or snail mail or watch movies. Well, that’s not true, I have been watching movies. I feel like I am constantly behind. My boss is even gone and I am behind.

Good news, Iris is standing. She hasn’t given up on the whole crawling thing, but she is standing. She is holding her own bottle and says bye-bye and uh-oh. She also says it at the right times. She is totally fascinated by our fall weather, as am I. I bought my annual Sweetwater sweatshirt and this year they are hoodies! Hurray! We sat in front of the coffee shop yesterday and played in the leaves and the dirt and with the new puppy that belonged to a friend (Talk about a Hallmark card!).

I have begun working on my Christmas gifts already. I am very proud of them and love the holidays. I have found a Halloween costume on line: Wonder Woman with red leather boots! It costs too much though, so I am just going to be wonder woman with the things that I already have. I got a Wonder Woman t-shirt the other day from the ten year old that spent the week with me. It is a beautiful shirt and says “AMAZON PRINCESS” across the top of it and since no one in the office knows the story of WW, they didn’t get it. I did though. My WW collection is growing by the day.

I went to Savannah for a weekend and got all dressed up and went to a couple of fancy dinners on a company junket. That was fun. It was a little scary because I have never done anything like that. But it was fun. Although, since that week, I feel like I haven’t slept. My boyfriend even said something to me about not seeing enough of me! Who would guess? So hopefully, this weekend, I will slow down a bit. I am going to Jekyll Island the third weekend of October for fun and excitement. Rest is on its way. I know I am not going to Australia or Peru or Greece, but lately I have been quite the little traveler. I am grateful to travel.

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Holy cannoli, I have a ten year old. Overnight just like that, I inherited a ten year old. This makes my parents temporary grand parents. She is staying with me while her mom is in Savannah. Then I will head down to Savannah on Thursday and she will go to her Dad’s place. She talks a whole lot. She is simple though and pure. I took her with me last night to my meeting and I was trying to explain to her what she might hear there and she finished my sentence. I said that the people who were there might not be very……and she says “Christ like?” Yeah, I say, Christ like. I told her it is spiritual kindergarten and that some people are just getting it or don’t get it at all, so to be prepared. She did great and listened well. I think Marilla is right, get ‘em old enough where they can be of use and young enough to be taught. The ten year old is so pure and innocent it just amazes me. She is honest and hopeful without any cause. She is kind, except to her little brother (me too when I was ten) and even then she is not bad, just a big sister. She has art class today and I am supposed to take her this afternoon. Then we are baby-sitting Iris this evening. I think a movie and pizza are going to be good. I hope that Iris will be a happy baby tonight. I hope the ten year old will be a happy ten year old tonight. Otherwise, I will have my hands full. I also have started running the nursery for the church that is behind my apartment on Sundays. There are about five or six kids, myself and another nursery worker. It is fun and is an extra $50 bucks a week. I figure it will pay for bills and Christmas. I feel like all of the sudden I turned twelve and Mom and Dad let me baby-sit. People came out of the woodwork asking me to sit. I was the Avondale baby-sitter. Now, I am the Clarkesville baby-sitter. Children, children everywhere! Thank goodness they all get to go home.

I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I have been simplifying my life lately; little things that have made my life easier. I am being me and not worrying about the rest of the world. I guess the easiest way to explain things is this: I have quit pursuing things. Not that my ambitions have gone out the window or anything. I am just not trying desperately to be someone’s best friend or trying to be the best girlfriend or trying to be the best at anything really. It has made things so much easier. I have all kinds of time to do the things that I want to do, i.e. keep my apartment clean, pack a lunch, keep my clothes clean, watch movies, spend time with Iris, go to the flower shop or the coffee shop, read, read, read, meditate, pray, paint. It is as though my life is coming back to me. I am not in a constant mental crunch about what he thinks or she is doing. This pursuing is something that I found in my last inventory and was mentioned to me by a good friend as being a defect of character. So I have been praying for God to remove it from me in conjunction with practicing the opposite action. It is nice. My life is not nearly as difficult. I am well into my second new book and I can’t remember the name of it. It was reviewed on NPR and so I snagged it off the internet a while back. I have had it for what seems like forever, however, I have never found time to read it. Now that I am not so concerned about everyone else, I have found plenty of time to read it. I light my candles at night before bed: one for me, one for Milton (he is dieing of lung cancer), and one for a good friend in need. I figure if the Catholics do it so that God can better hear better, it can’t hurt for me. But I read and light candles for those I care about and it is nice. I read for thirty minutes and turn out the light by ten thirty. Simple.

Two days past eighteen,
He was waitin’ for the bus in his army green,
Sat down in a booth, in a café there…

Oh my little Iris went to Grandma’s arms last night. There was no crying or crawling at my house. Instead I went to go and play with a friend’s hair so that I would know what to do with it come time for the big event. The big even is that I am going on a company junket for a weekend and it includes an evening where we will all have on black and heels and in the nicest array of accessories. One of the problems is that this girl, whose hair I worked with last night, is very difficult. It is coarse and straight. She didn’t know what to do with it and asked for help. I think I am going to pull it back like Anne’s and add curls. It is more malleable than she made it out to be and won’t be too much of a problem. I had three braids into a knot and then curled out the bottom last night. It was very beautiful, if I do say so myself. From there I went to the movie store for movies and got a calzone from the local pizzeria. I rented Jersey Girl, which was surprisingly good. I had no idea that it was a “Jay and Silent Bob” movie, who are my favorite. Unfortunate for Jay, he was caught on a heroin possession out in California and ended up in a rehab only to reuse. Silent Bob ended up getting married and having a kid and thus, Jersey Girl. It was pretty decent. I was really pleased with the night seeing as I went to bed on time and was able to get up and get to work without feeling totally exhausted. I was that way on Monday and it just makes the day really long. Yesterday was still tugging at me which is why I decided to stay home. Something smoothed out though. I still have a little edge and may stay home again tonight to try it again to see if I am completely alleviated of sleep deprivation.

Oh! BTW, Happy first day of Autumn!

I just love New York in the fall……
If I could send you a gift, I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils…

Fall is here. I woke up this morning to find that I had cranked the ac down a bit too much for such a cool day. It was flat out cold this morning. The bank sign on the way to work said 55 and I don’t doubt it in the least. I don’t do 55. I normally would have a blanket or a jacket or something to compensate for the cool weather and nothing. I had no idea that it would be such a bright cool fall day. Autumn is tomorrow. I was smart enough to have a denim overshirt. The woman that I see walking every morning had on a turtle neck. Is it too early for turtle necks? I love turtlenecks and could probably wear them year round given the opportunity. I am so grateful for fall. This weekend I will have to turn my wardrobe over so that I can pull out all the right clothes. I love doing that. It is like shopping without the expense. School is so in too. August never reminds me of school. September and the feel of fall reminds me of school. The trees have not begun to turn, but they will soon and the leaf lookers will be everywhere and desperately in the way. It makes me think of being a patrol on the kindergarten hall and the cool breeze in the hallway up to the third grade hall and library. I think of the walks down towards the uncovered but empty pool for football games in the park. I think of studying without a break until Thanksgiving. I think of Halloween and being able to walk with my friends for the first time and having Hank jump out of the bushes at Emily and me on our way dressed up like gypsies. I think of band parties and football weekends at Georgia Tech while endlessly studying for midterms. I think of Black Cat and the day after day after day of playing silly games and practical jokes and hoping that I passed that last test or got at least a B on that most recent paper that took me hours upon hours to write. Fall is such a memorable time.

Introducing the newest member of the family: Cathy McCallum!!! Hurray!!
Welcome to the family. We are blessed to have you as a part of our lives.

Blue skies
Smiling at me
Nothing but blue skies
Do I see

Well, there are definitely blue skies everywhere. It is as though God washed the sky and instead of it being white as snow it is blue as water in the Caribbean (or at least what I would imagine they would look like seeing as I have never been there and it is currently amidst the current hurricane, Jeanne). The weird part of the blue skies is the edge of dark clouds that are being blown out of the county. Turns out that Habersham had two F1 tornadoes last night touch down and ripped apart the land a good bit. I went to White County to hide, which turned out to be the right decision because there were only power outages and flooding which was the lesser of the evils if you ask me. The Chattahoochee flooded out Sautee and Helen. The storm was so scary. My boss tried to get home last night from Savannah and wrecked the new company car (new as in purchased the day before she left for Savannah new) in Athens. My super boss has a tree in her house. It looked pretty awful when I went by to look at it. When I passed a Georgia Power man while I was out and about, I made sure to stop and thank him. He grinned. “You’da” thought I’d given him a lollipop. There are power lines down all over the place because of the trees. There are trees all turned in the wrong direction everywhere. As soon as you pick up any type of regular speed driving, a tree shows up in the wrong place. I can see why the kids are not in school. The busses would never pass. I am glad that I got to come into work today. I don’t like it when I don’t work, it throws my whole financial scale off and I can’t play nearly as much, not to mention my sleep schedule and internal routine clock. Although, there will be no playing tonight, only sleeping. I am exhausted!! I had a hard time sleeping because the storm was so noisy. I did get new tires today. That was a trick. I walked in and said I need two front tires and since there was no one in the shop, because everyone is sawing trees or carting kids or something, they were installed and paid for in thirty minutes. It was a good day to get tires. Now I can go to Macon this weekend and Uncle Carter’s wedding and not have any sliding or slipping or popping or flattening experiences. Unlike those here in the county who have had all of those experiences but unfortunately not with their tires rather with their homes and businesses.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling on my head like a memory

Icky, icky. I think I may be ill. I have a headache and facial pressure and sneezed and sneezed and sneezed yesterday morning until I blew my nose raw and then was able to breathe. Unfortunately, the pain is still present. Mom says it might be a sinus infection. Dad says it’s the ragweed. Oh my, bring on the rain. Ivan is just in time in my world. I feel bad for those who lose their lives and homes, but it won’t bother me a bit to lose the ragweed. I took a Claritin to help ease the sinuses and a naproxen for pain. My eyes still hurt, but not as bad. The rain began this morning as I was leaving for work and that and a long nap this afternoon will be a cure-all. My plants are outside on the deck “just a lovin’” the rain. The leaf turning season will be really long this year because of all the rain we are getting. I suspect the leaf lookers will be here soon. This all feels so familiar: the rain, the illness, the coziness of a nap. The only thing that is different is that now I don’t have to deal with mold that multiplied in my old apartment when rains came. Everything in my home is cozy and dry and if I need effects of the rain, I can open a window and listen.

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.

Nope, no sippy for Iris. Man did she cry last night. Megan said that she hadn’t really slept all day and didn’t know why. Iris started crying when she saw me and didn’t stop until she finally conked out at about eight thirty. I got her at five forty-five. We walked and walked and walked and if I stopped to rest my arms she cried. We crawled and cried. We listened to Beethoven and walked and walked and walked. We stopped, she cried. Bottle time, no crying. Changing the diaper, crying. It was amazing. Then for no reason at all: ZONK. Out like a light. No crying. Shew. No crying for at least another week. I love being the babysitter.

It’s what you wear from ear to ear (Ear to Ear)
And not from head to toe!!!

It is so amazing how easy my life gets when my boss does exactly what I want her to do and then leaves town for the week. While it is not easy on her family and sometimes little things get missed, I am grateful for the pressure relief that occurs once she is gone. It allows me to get done everything that I need to get done. She piles me down and I can’t catch up until she is gone. Whew. It makes me smile. I have Iris tonight. She is supposedly drinking from a sippy cup. No way, I say. Guess we will find out.

Dark and silent late last night, I think I might have heard the highway calling.
Geese in flight and dogs that bite.
And signs that might be omens say I’m going, going, going to Carolina in my mind.


Okay, so I went to West Virginia, not Carolina, but I passed through NC and that was the only song I could find. There was no “West VA” on my mind. Why I went, no one knows, I just needed some time off and a friend said lets go and it sounded good to me. It sure was beautiful. It was 65, 70 degrees the whole time. There was a nice breeze and no one anywhere. I got to read and walk and sleep and eat and no one could call or write or bother or go here and there or expect of me or ask of me to do…..anything. My friend and I went walking through the old town and saw a church with a bride and groom run out and jump into an old fashioned car and zoom off. We hung out in Molly the Mayor’s Victorian Shoppe on Main Street and gabbed with one of the local neighbors about her time back in town for a short while on furlough from college in front of the Post Office. We trotted around into the depot to look at the old train cars. It was lovely. It was really relaxing. We also saw fireworks from the overlook that was 3542 ft, which is really high to me, while pigging out on Dairy Queen. We also found the near by ski resort and are making plans to go to it when snow hits the ground in the end of November. I have never really skied before and don’t know if I will, but the thought was nice and the place seemed decent. We also trucked down to the very bottom and mouth of the Blue Stone River on a one lane road that originally followed the ridge of the mountain and traveled down to the river. Someone on the outside looking in might say that we got lost, but we got out of the maze by going right back out the way we came in so it was a nice adventure. We returned in the nick of time for Church Sunday evening and managed to squeeze in a Blimpie’s wrap for dinner while we were at it. It was a nice trip. I am glad I still have it in my mind because I have to be here at work until seven thirty tonight and that seems forever away. From there I go to meet with friends for an hour and won’t be home until about nine fifteen, just in time to do chores, read and sleep. Busy, busy little bee: that would be me.