I have been watching the West Wing again (imagine that!) but this time I am watching it on regular tv so I have to sit through the commercials. This episode has a side plot that is the humor for the cast about the equinox and the eggs.

It made me think of my Dad. I can remember when I was little before school on the equinox at the Avondale house, Carter, Dad and I standing eggs on their end. The surprise and excitement of seeing such an odd phenomenon in our very own home.

It was like the time that Dad discovered the spectrum created by the peep hole in the front door. Normally we didn't have a door closed between the front door and the bathroom window, but for some reason the hall door was closed and there was every color of the rainbow. It was so stunning.

Dad was always there in the morning and I was always forgetting something. One day he thought that I had come back to get some homework, which I did a lot (or my lunch or something) because my elementary school was across the street, but it wasn't me. They came back later that day when Dad left for work and took everything except for the microwave because it was too heavy and the musical instruments because they were in the front room with the big window that had the curtains drawn open. No one even saw the burgler. They must have been there a while because they tossed the entire home.

One of my Dad's favorite things to do was on St. Patrick's Day. I think we were the only kids in the world with a Dad smart enough to think of this one! Dad would turn the house upside down and say the Leprechans had been there and played a prank. We would get out of bed and the kitchen chairs would be upside down in the den or the living room on the couch or love seat. There would be stuff everywhere. Things turned around backwards. We would put everything back before we left for school. But, when we would get home from school and the house would be flipped upside down again. It was great fun discovering where everything was and what was wrong. Carter and I would go flying around the house just to see things.

My Dad is one of the best Dad's a gal could have. He gave me the type of memories that make for good stories when I talk to friends. My girlfriends Sherry and Megan think that I have the cool parents. I don't know that I can imagine them as "cool," but I can say they are probably the best. I don't know how I ended up so lucky, but I am grateful.

I feel like I am always writing about the past, what I did yesterday. Today I am going to talk about what I did today:

Today for whatever reason, I got paid to babysit Iris, but didn't babysit Iris. Her Dad paid me and then he took her for the night. So I decided to go hunting for a calligraphy pen. There is no such thing in these mountains. I am going to suggest it as something to carry in Manna, since she is going to carry invitations. Anyway, normal wally worlds like ours doesn't even claim to know how to spell calligraphy so I had to search hard and long. This is difficult because I could go to Gainesville...boring, blah, rundown version of Habersham, but it has a mall and a big hospital or I could go to...yes, Super Wally World. Super Wally World has everything. It is in Clayton. Clayton has the best of everything. I don't know why, probably starts with the fact that they have all the money too. Lake Burton is up there with million dollar homes and such. Needless to say they have the Super Wally World, the Home Depot and last but not least, they got the Chick-fil-A. Sad. We were supposed to get the Chick-fil-A. Sad. Since I am staying here in the boonies, Clayton was a lot closer than supposed and since I no longer was sitting Iris, I had time for the drive. It is about a thirty minute, maybe forty minute drive to Clayton from Demorest (that is where Iris lives), but it was only about fifteen to the house I am dog sitting.

The best part about going to Clayton is the drive. Right now they are in the midst of progress. There are orange and white barrels from the Tullulah Gorge up to the town square. They are making it five lane all the way to North Carolina. Still, there was no way even with all the machinery scraping away the land, there was no way to take away the power in the scenery up there. I have an idea of what it will be once they are done changing. It will be just as breathtaking as it was today with all the processing. There is nothing anyone can do to take away that beauty. Sometimes I think about why I stay up here. I don't understand how it is that I don't go one more county north. Actually, what I really like is North Carolina. But you can see North Carolina from there. It is like the curve in 85 north coming from my parents house at night: all the sudden, there it is the city of Atlanta, lighting up the night sky with its beautiful architecture. There is something that happens in your insides. It makes your breath stop, heart jump and gasp. That is the way the mountain pass to Clayton is. You come around a corner and ahhhaup: there it is, those beautiful mountains, God's architecture. It is so amazing. I don't know why I haven't gone just a little farther north. I might, one of these days. Maybe I will be a North Carolina lawyer instead of a Georgia lawyer. Go live in the beauty of the mountains.

Yesterday started and felt as though it wouldn't end. I worked last night as a party server. A friend of mine is opening a store in Clarkesville right behind the flower shop. It will be gourmet everything. It is a hospitality store, so it will also have things like invitations and wedding gifts, housewarming gifts and anything you could imagine to throw a party. It is called Manna, bread of life. I thought that was pretty good considering the type store it will be. Last night was the beginning. The store its self is being renovated at this time. It will open at the end of July. The party was at my friend's home. She has one of the first homes in Clarkesville. It was the coolest feeling kitchen I have ever been a working part. Everything was compact and low and small. The cabinets were the original cabinets in the house. There was something in everyspace of the counter, cabinets, closet. There was a closet, but if you ask me it was probably originally a service entrance because it leads into the dining room if the door wasn't sealed on the far side. Everything was old in her kitchen. It took everything I had to find tupperware, which still had the packaging on it. Everything was crystal, glass, antique. Everything was so breakable.

The dinner was tremendous. The apetizers were all the foods to be sold in the store. The wines were also possibles for the store. Initially, everyone was critiqueing the food. Then when they sat down for dinner, there was a crown rack of lamb with cherries and roasted potatoes. There was fresh trout from Hiawassee with a peppercorn cream sauce. There was ten hour smoked bbq, texas toast, organic squash, salad with (the dressings will run in the store) organic baby cucumbers, fresh radish and fresh baby tomatoes. It was a regular smorgasboard. The people who came to dinner were amazing. There were professors and business owners and ceo's. The were all speaking about politics, religion, cultures. Their ideas flowed freely and debate was welcomed. There was laughter at politicians, seriousness at the ideas of interstates in Habersham, tinkering of wine glasses and silver against china. The best was when the dessert was served. Oh the dessert!

The dessert will be carried in the store as well. It is an italian ice cream that says "Ciao Bella" on it. It is not ice cream though. It is gelato. It is amazing. It is better than any ice cream I have ever had. The first one I tasted was lemon. Oweeeooooo. It made my lips pucker it was so lemony. There were eight in all: strawberry, blackberry, rasperry, lemon, orange, chocolate, espresso and chef's choice (mint chocolate chip!). We served it in crystal sorbet glasses. It was awesome. The whole room lit up from the light in their eyes. You'd have thought all these well accomplished people were children entering a Hogsmeade candy shop! It was so much fun!

The thing that I liked the most though was that no one said I was stupid. No one believed me to be less than or not a part of the party even though I was serving and not sitting to eat with them. No one thought that I was any different than they were. I don't know if it was the way the sun hit in the kitchen or the smells of the food or the chatter of the people or all of it mixed together. I felt like I was in a movie somewhere in New York. A book signing perhaps, maybe just a simple dinner party. My head tells me upper west side. It moved just like that. It reminded me of. . .something real. It was a wonderful night.

Well, today is the first day of dog sitting for two weeks. This will be a source of income for me this summer. This is the first of two two week sittings. Luckily, these dogs I am sitting today have internet! Hurray!

Meg is officially five. We had dinner at the Nacoochee Grill which is the only real restaruant up here in these mountains and it has successfully nose dived since when I worked there. It is a Buckhead restaraunt, but about six months ago it was sold off to the property owner so the guy who I worked for went to live in Florida. He is a restarantour (sp) for over twenty years and has retired. He is raising his kids in Florida with his wife on a cozy beach somewhere. Anyway, it was my first visit since Gene left to the place and it was an unfortunate visit. The quality of food was terrible. Well, at least I know not to go back, but the good part was that Megan didn't care. She was so excited that her friends surrounded her with love and support. She had gifts and balloons and what else could a gal need? Her Dad gave her her medallion. It was very cool. After it was all said and done she and her boyfriend, Sebass, came out to the farm to hang out with John and I. We had a bonfire under the big poplar (when I say big I mean amazingly so) out in front of the house in the rain. It was fun. We talked and drank hot tea until about two-thirty in the morning. It was a wonderful end to a wonderful day.

There was a wierd message in my mail yesterday. I went by to get my mail because I had a new set of dvds in there. There was a sample from Oilivalay. Yeah, I can't figure out how to spell it. Just the same it was a hide your age packet. It is like the marketers all know that I am getting ready to turn 29 in less than a week. How insulting that the first thing I get from the marketers says: Your old! Hide it! Most of the time people are impressed to find out I am not seventeen. Then they say oh, really, I wouldn't expect you be that much older. I have a feeling this birthday isn't going to be as cool as turning sixteen, eighteen or twenty-one. I have a feeling this birthday is going to come along with a cloud of impending doom: ALMOST THIRTY.....

Like I have room to complain? Most of my friends other than Meg are in their forties. They all say things like those were the best years of my life! But for some reason the marketers are going to scare the heck out of me.

Thank you for the phone calls and emails in love and support. I am still slightly afraid. I am not completely without action though. Generally, action brings me out of fear to lead me back to faith. I typed out a first draft of an appeal for my unemployment monies. I gave it to a professor to look at and her first reaction was that my former boss wouldn't be able to read it because it was too well written and that I needed to cut back. So she is red inking it and I will submit it sometime today. Maybe Monday, but I am still within my bounds. Ten days is my limit.

In other news, Iris went tinkle in her potty! She is an early potty trainer, but the doctor said that because she can identify what is going on, now is the time. She is also using a spork looking child cutlery to eat her Gerber graduates. AND! When she woke up the other night because the phone ringer was on super loud, she called my name "Rae-rae!". Very cool.

The Logic Games are kicking my butt. The book I am studying says that there are three types of, well four types of questions. There are grouping, matching and sequencing then there is the mixture of all three. Sequencing is giving me pains. My timing is slow too. I am solving them about a question every two minutes. I think that once I get the squencing down I will be doing a question a minute. Once that happens, I will have time to recheck my questions. 25 questions, 35 minutes. Yeah, I think I like the logical reasoning better. Who would ever guess that logic and Rachel would be in the same sentence?

Great news for Atlanta in the paper yesterday: Indigo Girls at Piedmont Park!! Hurray!!

I have started reading the AJC everyday. Not sure why, but it is something I enjoy. There is something to reading an actual paper as opposed to an internet site. I noticed that Maureen Dowdy is on the editorial board which tickled me pink. She is so witty and poinant in her own columns, that I am glad she is an advisor for the ATL. She is one of the columnist in the NYT that I really enjoy.

Off to Gertie Mae's I go...it is the flower shop.

PS: Meg turned five on the nineteenth and her party is tomorrow night!! Hurray for Meg!!

So lately I have become lost in a world of Rachel. I felt like I went to a funeral and came back to my life where it didn't exactly stop. There was Iris to sit and friends to help. Then there were movies to watch with other friends. (PS really liked Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Madagascar needs help though) Then Sunday came by and there was a brunch and more friends and then utter frustration set in and then last but not least today set in the fear that was paralyzing. It happens pretty regularly, fear that is-not the paralysis. Typically, I pray my way out of it and move on to the next right thing to do. I somehow wasn't able to conjure anything to do today. I recieved notice that I have been denied unemployment monies to which I am allowed a ten day period to appeal. I have also found out that I can only take the LSAT once between now and deadline for application to law school. ONCE. One shot and I get to wait another year to attempt higher education. That really sucks. My insides couldn't move today. I didn't even make my bed. Normally I would say at least I went to work, but today I can't even say that. I did find out that I am totally capable of internet without paying for it and for computer use without paying for it other than copies. I don't know why I have never used the public library before right now, I just know that I haven't. Will I be here every day? Almost. Somehow it was a comfort to walk in and speak with someone who was cordial, comforting and helpful. It is a quiet environment where generally speaking, my perception is that people are bettering themselves like it or not. Education is something I miss and am ready to reemploy. Working for someone who treats me like an idiot is not. I had one of my co-workers stop by this weekend to make sure I was okay. She had found employment prior to my dismissal and has since been re-employed by our common former employer. It doesn't make any sense, but she was upset that I was not there and wanted to make sure that I was okay. Who would guess? That I would be missed? I told her the truth. I told her that I did something wrong and was fired. The more I think about it the less I want to apply for an appeal on my monies. I think I would get it if I worked on it, but I don't want any money, I think I want a job that means nothing, pays well and will give me plenty of time to bone up for October (that is the only time the LSAT is scheduled: October 1). I think I am going to join the 44 million who don't have insurance for the next five years and go to school full time. I think I hate that I lost a job where I was considered stupid and to this day want to stand up for my self and say that I am not stupid. I want to take a test and prove my point. My insides are paralyzed by fear. My insides are terrified by two words: What if? Prior to walking into the library, I came out of the shower at four thirty in the afternoon, brought my trash down from the apartment, where I had cleaned out my refrigerator with the speed of Mighty Mouse swooping down to save the day, and was on my way to Walmart to buy chocolate icecream (my favorite), milk (it expired today), a calculator I can see and a cd player that I can run with while at Pitts Park across from my house. Two little words put off these self esteem building activities until four thirty today. I thought maybe I might be having a problem with fear because I wasn't writing about it and I wasn't talking about it and it occurred to me that I could write and talk about it at the library before I go to Walmart. Two words took the breath out of me. What did I do until four thirty is probably what you are wondering: Last DVD of the West Wing Second Season. Just like the President, I walked out into a rain storm knowing that Mrs. Landingham was saying, "If you don't want to do it, well, I respect that, but if you don't do it because you're afraid it is going to make you look bad or going to be to hard, well God, Rae, I just don't want to know you at all." I still have quite a bit of time today to study. I have a job that starts the last week of July. Maybe the second to last. Until then all I have to do is baby sit and study to cover my bills. Two little words turned me inside out. Now I feel like I could take on the world.

I love Sarah, she is one of the few who is smarter than my brother and can without reprecussions (unlike if it were I) tease him.

I am so much like my brother. I am desperate for a pool. I tried swimming at the local aquatic center, but it is lacking in sunshine. There is no way to hang out there. It is for training only. I found out from Grace that there is a local Clarkesville pool, now all I have to do is find it. I really needed a summer. One of the things I miss more than just about anything is my summers. I would teach just to get my summers back. God has given me a summer. The nice thing about studying is that I can do it anywhere. Maybe. I can do it at the pool if I can find it. I miss having no real responsibilities. I feel like the past ten years I have been locked up indoors with out any sunlight. I sit out on my deck sometimes just to get sun and study out there. I miss sitting in the sun. I miss wading in the pool. I miss swimming laps. I am going to find that pool if it kills me.

Today will be an interesting day. My Great Uncle Neal died a couple of days ago and today is his "viewing" and tomorrow is his funeral. I don't understand viewings really. There is not anything comforting to me about a corpse. I get the idea that it is to say your last goodbyes and is really for the family than the person who is dead, but I just am not comfortable hanging out in a room with a corpse. It is wierd. When my friend Jeffy died, a group of us went to the viewing. He died of a drug overdose so they did an autopsy. He looked crooked in his casket. Yes, the put him back together wierd. It was creepy. People don't look like they looked when I saw them last. It probably has to do with them having blood, but then instead of having this rich memory of them telling a joke or having a birthday or enjoying their family, I walk away with a memory of their face being on crooked. I don't remember my Great Aunt Unice at all except in a casket. I remember it being terrifying. I remember my Cousin or Aunt or. . . anyway I don't know how she is related to me, but her name was Christine and she took me to Dairy Queen for icecream because I just couldn't behave being terrified by a corpse. I was three. Or maybe four. I don't know. I don't have anything else in the memory banks.

My Great Uncle Neal liked to tell this joke:

"I know whose going to be the next to die in my family!"
"Whose that Uncle Neal?"
"Me, I am the only one left!"

I look forward to going to see my family today. I look forward to seeing my Dad's face when he opens his Dad's day gift today. Yes, I have the ultimate, will never get him anything else it is so perfect, Dad's day gift and since we are doing things a little early. . .I will get to see his surprise today. I look forward to warm hearts and good food. The nice thing about people like Uncle Neal dieing is that I am not sad or worried or anything remote to those emotions. I know that he was okay with going. I know that he was happy with his life. I recognize that he was right with God. Those things make death a little easier. When Milton died and when Grandmother died, I wasn't sad. They had great lives, did great things. It is just another piece in their life. The people I am sad for are people like Jeffy. He was 34 and his funeral was on his daughter's seventh birthday. That is AWFUL. Uncle Neal was a good man with good values who was eighty something and had a good life. I am not sad. I am glad that he was my uncle and shared his life with me.

I don't understand why I can't study when I have a job, I just can't. What is strangely interesting is that I have studied everyday this week. I have one of the Kaplan LSAT books and am in it everyday. When I need breaks, I watch the West Wing and it reminds me of what I am doing. Not to mention WW is very inspirational too. I also listen to NPR until they start the talk shows, which while I enjoy the talk shows I can't concentrate so I have to switch to John Williams which, please the only two composers more inspiring are Aaron Copeland and Ludwig Van Beetoven. There is something awesome that occurs when the studying and the music come together. It reminds me of the commercial on TV about "ING" with the woman asking what is that and the guy explains ING and she is still looking confused. Then she says what is THAT? And he says, "Oh he has his own theme music." I am getting in about four hours to six hours a day in studying. Turns out it is paying off. I am in the logical reasoning sections and there is not much about my thinking that is logical or creates any type of reasoning, however, the study tests have gone from me making 20% correct to 90% correct. This is important because the LSAT only counts right answers. There are no points for incorrect answers. This means that I have to answer every question, no exceptions (like no exception for the fact that I haven't read the question!). My speed is WAY to slow, but accuracy is more important to start. It was hard to train my thinking to think the way they ask the questions. Mostly it is an algebraic equation is what I have come to find. This makes things much simpler because I can do algebra in my sleep. Sleep. Can't do geometry worth a flip. Have a feeling geometry might be next in the logic games section. The test is set up in five parts: two logical reasons, one logic games, one writing sample and one experimental. Turns out that I have 21 weeks of unemployment monies, which is roughly four and a half months. That puts me at August/September to take the test. I think I will take it three times: July, August and September. The books says October is best so I might take it then too. Who knows. I have not been the best test taker in the past, but then again I have never studied either for a test, well maybe in college, but not a standardized test. It was suggested that I take a Kaplan course too so I will be looking into that before too long. Wow. This is really happening. It is nice because who would ever guess that I would be the one going back to school? I mean my Dad and Carter are the brains in the family. I could see Dad going back for fun he likes it so much. But I honestly thought Carter would go back before I ever did. Of course I didn't think I would live to be this old either so that might have had something to do with my vision. I will be old soon...at least my cousing Rob is already old. Haha. Benefits to being the second born. Well, off I go back to the world of extracting assumptions, arguemental methods and parallel reasoning. Boy, just studying the silly book makes me sound smarter! I love it!

I am not going to look for another job. I am going to law school.

Yesterday was kinda nuts....again. I was fired from my job, which while is a God send is also a downer. I hated my job, but I was trying desperately to do the right thing and find something before leaving and not getting fired, but whatever. Turns out that I walked right out of being fired to a interview that would be a good position for me. It was an interview for a social worker at a nursing home. Turns out the nursing home is backed by a corporate conglamorate...who would guess that one? It went well. They said they would know something by Friday. I am hopeful. She seemed to like me which is really the only way people get jobs. I called on one that I had an interview for a couple of weeks ago for the bank and the man that I interviewed with said it would be another week before he could let me know. He is trying to get some help in his IT department (yeah me, an IT guy...geeky huh? pays well enough, I don't care! Besides some of the best people I know are geeky) so the position has to be approved through all channels before he can hire me. I think he will if he can get it approved. So. . . the search drags on.

My girlfriends Sherry and Megan have been so helpful lately. In the past two days they have just held my hand and reminded me that being ugly doesn't help anything. Sounds like my Mom. I wish I could use this time to vacation, but I am not that financially secure. Luckily, I am secure enough to last my about one month before I totally collapse. I have a couple of things on the side like babysitting and house sitting that are going to allow me to make it to next month.

I read end of the preface to Matthew today and the first chapter. There are fourteen generations between Chist and David. I found it interesting that they listed the wife of David who bore Soloman as the wife of Uriah and not David's wife. Turns out that scarlet letter still brands even thousands of years later. That would be awful for someone to know four thousand years later that I am unintegrible. At least I am trying to learn to have integrity. I almost took my firing "like a man" but my emotions were too involved, so I was ugly to the people who fired me. What ever. God has given me another day to make things right. I will try better today and hopefully I am not in any lineage of importance so no one will write "she who screams when fired."

Yesterday I was kind of nuts. There is a component of my life that is overwhelming at times. More specifically it contains elements of obsessive complusive disorder, which will send me into the throws of my mind and I can't stop it. My entry yesterday I recognize was bland and it was due to my ocd that was happening. The thing is that I can't really do anything else until the obsession is resovled. The reason I say elements is because true ocd's don't find resolution. I do, thus the meaning in element. Anyway: after speaking with Michelle, the solution was to enlarge my spiritual life. There are not very many treatments for what I have and the spiritual treatment is the only one found to work for extended periods of time. So I am going to find a church. I am desperate to study the Bible with a group of people who want to study. I have been for some time. I am not interested in doctrines or dogma, but just rediscovering what it says and reconfirming the faith I used to carry as a youth. When I spoke to a fellow yesterday who has a stronger discipline than I do, he suggested that I take small steps and start by perhaps reading Matthew and go forward from there. I thought that was a wonderful suggestion and this morning instead of reading out of my meditation book, I read out of Matthew. Well, I read from the preface to Matthew. While it discovers a path of a humble messianic concept, it still had an archaic view that we are out to "conquer" the world!!!! While I recognize that Christ told us to carry the good news, I don't remember the word conquer. I guess I will have to re-read. I have been to my girlfriend Sherry's church, which is Episcopal. I really didn't like that there were no Christmas Carols until after Christmas. They prepared in vigilance during advent (as though they were waiting for the Christ child) which is a cool concept, but makes December rather glum. Another woman who owns the tea room next to my apartment has invited me to her church, which is a branch of the Presbyterian church. It is small and looks inviting. I know that I am totally attracted to her spirit and when I talk of spiritual matters she totally gets it, so now all I have to do is discover. I guess I will be on more of this spiritual trek that I began five years ago, well five years ago in July. Yeah, I will be 29 for the first time too in July. Who would guess those two would intersect? Cosmic. Cosmic as in I need the choir that sounds cosmic to open up and sing like a light turning on when I talk about the coincedence. Hahaha. God searching is so interesting.