The place where you hold me
Dark in a pocket of truth

So yesterday was a bad day. Today I feel much better. By the end of the day yesterday was a better day. I couldn't figure out what set off the crazies, but now I know. Today is layoff day here in the button factory. When I come in, if I come in, on Monday there will be people missing. It is about as specific as throwing darts at balloons to win a doll at the county fair. There is no rhyme or reason as to why one person gets it and the other doesn't. I asked if I would be one of the many and was told that even if I am, the temp agaency would re-place me immediately somewhere else, unlike others who won't have that opportunity and that there was no way to know what will happen. I think, I will never know, that the crazies were insued by the amount of fear that is lingering in the air. I went and talked with Michelle yesterday and she always has wonderful things to say ie God is my employer and God is bigger than Scovill, God has a plan for me and not to question it. I always feel better after I talk with her. Then I went to the gym.

This was my fifth day this week for the gym and the end of my third week. I was exhausted. I have been trying to do five to six days a week. So far I have been meeting my goal. Yesterday, I asked for help. I went to the guy who sold me the membership, who is also a friend and asked for help. I told him that in three months I wanted to be beautiful (John says that's impossible because I already am beautiful! Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard!). So now I have a rigorous workout plan that is probably going to tear me apart, however, I will have the body I want. He said that in three weeks my body should be used to it and be okay..........three weeks. What he was telling me I am going to be in pain for the next three weeks. Oh well, I am willing. Besides it is not like I am doing something wrong, so mentally I will be okay and spiritually too. Soon, I will be okay physically! Hurray for Rae and God in improving the physical nature of her spiritual being. I heard an interesting comment the other day saying that we are not physicals trying to have a spiritual experience, rather spiritual beings having a physical experience. I liked it. I don't know if I believe it or not, but I liked the idea of it.

Gosh, today is just such a new day. I am so thankful. I feel ten times better. The only thing that is bothering me today is my allergy to ragweed. Unfortunately, just like in times of insanity when this too shall pass, so do the times of feeling good. I sure do like the good times better though.

Main Entry: in·san·i·ty
Pronunciation: in-'sa-n&-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
Date: 1590
1 a : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia) and usually excluding such states as mental retardation, psychoneurosis, and various character disorders b : a mental disorder
2 : such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable

Sometimes life is insane. Somedays are better than others. Other days, I want to eat a pack of cigarettes. This is one of those days. The thing that comforts me in times like this is that "it's just a moment, this time will pass." Sometimes I get stuck and forget, then I realize: this too shall pass. Insanity feels like someone has a hold of your spine and won't let go no matter how you wriggle and squirm; no matter how you cuss or fight, they just won't let you go. It is that consuming. Today my insanity it great, and the only thing bigger than insanity is God. God help me.

"It's not personal it's business."
"Who made this up? I mean what ever it is, it should always begin with being personal. All that means is that it is not personal to you. It was personal to me."

So I read a lot of blogs and I watch a lot of movies and I have a lot of morals and guidelines that I live in my life. All of these collided yesterday. Impersonality seems to be a key in a lot of the blogs that I read, but on the flip side whether we like it or not our persona shines through. For example if bloggers only talk about the positives in life, maybe they are delusional or perhaps in denial and it's readable in their text (this is one of my better themes!). I don't exactly understand the rationale behind the premise that things should remain impersonal just because they are on the internet. To be very frank I think it is damn near impossible to be completely without subjectivity of some sort. If a blogger tells me anything about their day, it is personal. Anything. But isn't that the point of the blog anyway? I mean isn't the idea so that my parents in P'tree City can read and know more about me? Or my brother in Atlanta or my grandparents in Waycross? If it's not personal, what's the point? Why bother learning or reading or writing in the first place?

Okay enough with the soap box. I will say this last thing and be through with the whole thing: my father taught me a lot about intergrity, faith, discipline, courage and honesty a couple of weekends back. He taught me that it is not about other people, it is about me. It is about being right with me and my God and that is all that makes the difference. It is about the construction of the spirit. Because of that basic sense, blogs absolutely should be personal. Hopefully, through sharing my own experience, I can be of maximum service to God and my fellows and help another person..........all that from a blog. Who knows whose reading, but I hope that by getting to know me it increases the quality of their life.

Immorality is the destruction of the spirit.

So I had the opportunity to here one of the Soiux Nation speak last night. He was a tremendous speaker. This is one of the statements that he used. And you know something? It is very true. When I am destroying my spirit I am usually doing something against my natural grain of survival and natural grain of the set of values that my folks gave me and taught me. When I am in self destruction, I am usually doing things that do nothing but destroy my self worth, esteem or in general the very prescence of God. I am in a zone of selfishness and self centerness to the extreme. My life crumbles around me with nothing holding it together. When I get to a point of incomprehensible demoralization, I go insane. Insanity is based on the premise that there is not a God of any kind. No concept what so ever. When I am in this state of immorality or self destruction, I am without God. I do not know much about the concept of hell, but I believe that the time I spent not growing up was a time without God and in a hell of it's own rite. That separation from God and morals and all of the good in the world allowed me to go to the deepest level of depicablity with in myself. I become ashamed and guilt ridden. I am not able to lift my head. I despise myself and reach the point of utter despair. Marilla says that to depair is to turn your back on God. I know that place. I will not go back. It is the only concept of hell that I do understand. When I have God in my life, God allows me to be made of love and understanding as opposed to self hatred and loathing. God allows me to be me, His perfect child worthy of life and vitality. When I am actively persuing God, seeking God, I am in a moral state that renews my spirit in which God graced me. Morality is the construction of the spirit, which I try to build on mine everyday.

Settin' there under the quiltin' arbor
of an afternoon in the spring.
Laughin' and bluchin' and prickin' my fingers,
Rippin' our some crazy seams

So maybe it's not spring, but I did some quilting this weekend. I am working on a quilt for Megan's baby. She had her shower this Sunday and I would have to say that that baby will lack for nothing. I unfortunately, did not finish the quilt and gave her an IOU. I didn't realize the time it would take to hand sew it. I am using the piece top that I put together two years ago during the production. I am thankful that that part was already done. Otherwise, I would have never had the idea in the first place. The piece top is just the right size for a baby blanket. Meg looks like she is going to pop, but I guess that is the idea. I can't believe that one of my girlfriends is pregnant. That is kind of cool. It is definitely a new experience hearing all about the details. I had no idea some of the wierd things that happened. Well, I am glad it is she and not me. I watched Legends of the Fall while I was quilting because the music is so quilting oriented. That movie is such a wonderful saga. I forget that Brad Pitt isn't just a hunk, but that he is also a good actor. The cool thing on the DVD is that I can play the movie with out any words and only the music, so that is what I did the second time around so I could keep on, keepin' on. It was strange though to look up and see someone talking and no words coming out of their mouth. The music is really fit to the movie pretty tightly. It was well spent Saturday night on my own.

I went to the gym on Sunday and tried a new excercise suggested to me. They are called lunges. It had been two days since I had been to the gym, so I was a little slow, but I did the new excercise anyway. Today I feel very uncomfortable. It is not quite pain, but that feeling you get before the pain starts. I have a feeling that the pain will kick in later. Hopefully I will work out right on top of the time the pain kicks in and I won't feel it. I hope so because I have a b'day party to go to tonight. So many social things to do so little time.

I heard that one of my other girlfriends is getting a divorce. She has only been married for a few years and now is getting a divorce. I don't understand it all, but I do understand that somethings come to an end whether we like it or not. It is wierd having friends who are making decisions like having babies and getting divorces. It used to be breaking up and quitting the team. Things change, but in the same respect they are all the same just magnified. I am thankful that all I have to decide on today is whether or not I want to wear a long sleeve tshirt or a sweatshit over a tank. Simplicity is definitely a gift.

The Narrow and Wide Gates

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 6:13-14

Is this what it means to take the path of spirituality instead of the path of normalcy. So I have been reading this book called Sermon on the Mount. I have decided it is a book of applied religion. Kind of like applied science, but with a different feel to it. It does things like, if you believe that, then try this! So since it is primarily based on the fifth chapter of Matthew, I decided that I should read the fifth chapter of Matthew and then I decided I should read the book of Matthew. So this is the passage that caught my attention. It reminds me of Robert Frost's "I took the road less traveled by," line. Finding life is what I am about because it doesn't seem much like life with out a spiritual component. I went to Walmart yesterday to pick up some basics. First things first, my Walmart is not like Carter's Walmart. Walmart is the only thing to do in Habersham County and because I live in the next county over, I have to plan a day for Walmart. Then, I have to mentally prepare for the fact that I am going to run into a gozillion people who I know on an general level and I have to pull my smile out of my back pocket with a mental note not to lose it while shopping in the pack. Other mental notes are: no eye contacts with the redneck men; watch out for little people running through the aisles; remember God is bigger than a country Walmart; stupidity is not the same as ignorance nor does it have anything to do with the worth of the person; keep the mouth shut at all times; opinions are like bellybuttons--everyone's got one and it is not necessary to show yours off. So I am breathing and thinking and praying as I prepare to step out of the parked car that has taken me ten minutes to park. I opened the door and out of nowhere..........a friend appears. Yea! Walmart just became an adventure instead of an ordeal! The words off of his lips are not hello, but "so, do you pray? and stuff?" I realized that this was a spiritual aid visit not just a friendly hello visit. So I shopped and talked about God with an aithiest who is afraid he may be wrong. Then we went to McDonald's for a really over caloric meal that I haven't had in forever and was craving and continued to talk about the different areas of life God helps out in--yes, I know He is there in all areas of my life, but it is hard to explain to an aithiest with no raising of any kind. Marilla would call him a heathen. I call him a lost kindred spirit. It is sad to think that not everyone has the opportunity to live the life I lead. Yesterday, while talking to my confused probably agnostic friend, I realized that I, I am taking the road least traveled by and this is making all the difference.

It only me and you and you and me.....so happy as we ought to be.....

(Or whatever the words are)

So yesterday I felt bad. Originally, I thought it was because of work. (I am allergic to work in case you didn't know.) So when work was over I still felt bad. So I thought, well I will get my self going by a good work out!! That's the ticket. Man I had a great work out, but I still felt bad. Then it came to me....esteem. This is about self esteem, so I did my laundry (this is quite an ordeal for me and I only seem to do it when I need a self esteem boost). But I STILL felt bad. Ah....movie. I still had a rental. So I watched "The Life of David Gale." Weird, good but wierd. Made me think. I still felt bad. Nothing felt good until I said my prayers and went to bed. Imagine that, I was spiritually and physically exhausted. A little refreshment on both made life grand this morn. I felt great when I woke up. Thanks God. Thanks Rae. Yea today.

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write


For some sad news: the other woman who was in the Godspell production with me has lost her mother-in-law. Her mother-in-law and sister-in-law are lost in the mountains of Utah on a hike. Somehow, they got off course and are GONE. She is in a lot of craziness right now and mostly I am only asking for a little prayer for these two women. Her mother's name is Carole Wetherton. Thank you for your prayers.

Would like to play
With a fool holding hands
With a one-eyed jack of spades
While on the deck they sing

So one of the crazy things I do here in the button factory is work on a machine that measures via computer. This task is repetative and very tedious. There is a radio that plays regularly in this area and there is also a four and a half minute delay while the machine is measuring. Usually, I have my books ready to read during that delay time, seeing as there is nothing else really that can be done. The woman who also shares the responsibilty with me is ill and so I have been on this crazy machine almost all day. WELL, I asked God for help because I was going insane. One of the articles that was being read on the radio was hysterical. It was about the MIT crew who have figured out the science to the game of black jack based on a four to five deck system. These geniuses go out to Vegas every year and rob them blind. See, counting cards is not illeagal, however when you are dealing four or five decks, it is really difficult. Not, however, if you go to MIT. They have won over 400K in the past eight/nine years out of Vegas. It is like a tradition that the seniors pass on to the freshman or something!! What a hoot. Vegas verses the geniuses. Apparently though, the geniuses get kicked out on a regular basis because the casinos are privately owned. What a hoot. After this article was over I began to go really insane and asked God for help. He broke the machine!! There was nothing that can be done. My boss has to restructure the whole thing. HAHA!! I am free.

ASAP

So there is this person at work, who no matter what she does, gets on my nerves. I understand that when there is something grinding inside it usually is because there is a mirror in front of me. Yes, this woman exihibits a lot of the same characteristics that are not so beneficial in my self, things like: selfishness, arrogance, control and of course the ever famous look-at-me syndrome. Mind you, I completely understand that these are my defects of character and that she is kind enough to point them out for me. Good gracious alive. I have been praying my morning prayers for God to remove my character defects that block my usefulness to others and separates me from Him. I think I am going to stop praying that one. JUST KIDDING!! It sure is hard dealing with people who are exactly like me. I am not the easiest person to deal with at times. Other times I am a joy. Staying in the joy is so difficult. I have opened my mouth a couple of times today and luckily no one was around to hear. It took me a time or two to realize I was talking out loud. But, Ms. Anne caught me one time (this was the time I realized I was speaking out loud). I apologized and said that my tongue got away from me. She looked at me and said, "well heavens child, ASAP!." ASAP? Always say a prayer and that tongue won't run off anymore.

So I guess from now on I will asap. What a concept.

Wasting time
Let the hours roll by
Doing nothing for the fun
Little taste of the good life
Whether right or wrong
Makes us want to stay, stay, stay
for awhile


I wanted to stay in my weekend this morning. I wanted to sleep til nine and get up and do something lackadaisical. This weekend was great. I went to the gym on Friday and then took the weekend off. I went to help out at the Salon on Saturday because my hairdresser friend needed me. From there we went to a movie in Gainesville. We saw American Wedding. I am not willing to give a review on it. Then we went to meet with friends and talk about God. Then on Sunday I went to Alice's to eat brunch and went up on Tray mountain for a peaceful bumpy ride and then I went to Duke's Creek for a hike. It was such an adventuresome weekend and peaceful with fun added into it. Isn't that the way life should be? Of course I know better because I can should things right into a Utopia. Oh it was a nice weekend though. This morning seemed like a head ache that reoccurred. Work is definitely a four letter word, but at least it pays the bills. One day I will be just like my Mama and enjoy my job and look forward to going to work. One day...................

Today two years ago, I was still living in an institution. Today is what made me decide that I no longer want to recieve regular TV. I went to visit a friend to actually see the events that occurred. I am tired of extensive damage being shown as though it were a drama instead of real life. Somethings are just not worth exploiting. Today is one of those days.

That's all I am going to say about that.

Yesterday I went to the gym again!! Can you imagine? I actually have been every single day this week. My arms finally started to feel like they might fall off today. It is not due to pain as much as it is due to exhaustion. I think working out has taken a toll on me. I ended up in bed last night at 9:30. I can't remember the last time that happened. I felt like a school girl and slept like a rock. Not before reading Anne, but I did bail out in the middle of the chapter. Right now she is just becoming friends with Diana and has found out about the picnic. There is a deep dark secret that I should mention in regards to Anne. Although I have seen the 16 hour production of Anne and know it by heart, I have never read the book. I am finally reading the book. I am assuming I will probably end up having to read all of the books now that I am reading. I will let y'all sit in shock and horror. But...................today is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it.

I am stitching the tapestry of life so that I may present it to God. In my imperfect stitches is where I am able to have my faith for God and my most perfect moments. Within imperfections I am perfect.

This was what I got out of the talk last night. It is quite a paradox and metaphor. I only part way understand it. Mostly what I do get is that I don't have to be perfect. That is something that I have been trying to achieve all my life, but that is just the opposite of what I am. I use perfection as a tool of self abuse rather than just accepting my self for exactly as is. After hearing the woman last night, it made it easier to just be okay with myself. That always happens when I come away from talks. It's the allowance of that same feeling during the day and on a daily basis that is hard. I am told that acceptance of self becomes easier the longer time stretches on into more time. I hope so.

in order to gain esteem, you must do esteemable acts...........

what a concept.

So last night I did esteemable acts. I went to the gym again!!! Yea Rae!! I did 20 minutes on the skis while watching Oprah endorse Iman. I did abs, arms and more legs on the weights. Then I went to the movie store and picked up some freebees that were calling my name--I had a coupon. Then went to the Ingles to pick up ingrediants for my casserole. I found a delightful casserole that is right up my ally. It has no vegatables at all and includes chocolate. It is in my quick cooking magazine and it is called a s'mores casserole. It is for the pot luck this evening. I got home and put everything away and began work on the casserole and called a friend to chitter chat. When I went over to the stove that was on preheat, I noticed it was COLD! Oh no. The pilot light went out. Rather than explode the house, I just aired things out a bit and will wait for the land lord to get back to re-light the pilot. I had to re-light all the eyes too. Bummer. So I brought the casserole into work to give to a co-worker who goes home for lunch to cook in her oven. She thinks that I am nuts and I think today I proved her right. Then I watched one of my freebees. It was Devil's Own with older cutie pie (Harrison Ford) and younger cutie pie (Brad Pitt). It is not an American story. It is an Irish one. That's all I am going to say about that. From there I went to bed. Esteemable acts, huh? how bout them apples. I put off all my dish cleaning until I got up this morning so that I would have an esteemable act for today too. Besides, they needed to soak. I washed them this morning before work. I wonder if my esteem has improved yet..............yeah, think so. The other phrase I like is acting my way into right thinking. That one is pretty good too. So, I had an esteemable acts kind of night. I am totally sleepy today though. Oh well. Pumping esteem is hard work. Siesta is in order.

Like sands through the hour glass, these are the Days of Our Lives.

Let's see if the blog wants to publish! Looks good!

I wish I could say that I had nothing to say last week, however that wouldn't be the truth. Reality was that things were weird here on the super slow computer that I have the opportunity to type on and use. For some reason the blog would not go any farther than the first step and then it wigged out and wouldn't go to the publish stage of the process.

My week was fairly good last week. I went to here John give a talk for a large group of men. That was really wierd being the only woman. Mostly the men thought it was really wierd too. I didn't realize it was going to turn out that way, but it did. I was very grateful to have a friend or two there to sit with and listen. Then on Thursday, I went with John to visit his mama in North Carolina. Now, while most people's perception is that NC is a long way off, it is only about 45 minutes from me. It took us about an hour and a half to get to the person's home with whom she was staying. That was a beautiful ride. I think that I have decided that some day in the future, I will live in North Carolina. The town that we went to was Andrews, however, I have been all over NC (ie Asheville, Raliegh, Duraham, Black Mountain) and I love all of it. Perhaps I will do well enough here in the button factory that I will get swept up with a nice job offer from a NC manufacturer. That would be super cool. The visit with his mama was nice too. She is a really wonderful woman who I enjoy spending time with when it is possible.

Then on Friday, I pitched a fit. I don't know why, or how or what happened. It just happened. It lasted about three hours and then......boom.....everything was fine. I don't know. It was strange. I was really glad there was no one around to be effected by it. I hadn't been so angry like that since....forever. It was rather strange. The only thing I can figure is that my soul needed to exert some energy or maybe a catharsis. Who knows. I used to do that as a little girl and it didn't make any sense then either. The difference then was that it would last for longer periods of time.

Once the fit was over I went to a homecoming party for a friend of mine who was coming home from his honeymoon and is a mutual friend of John and me. It was fun and his folks live in this neat house where the party was. It was designed to be all triangles. Really neat.

Saturday was movie day. Saw, Bowling for Colombine. It left a disturbance in my heart. Very well made. Saw, Dare Devil. That was pretty disturbing to be a marvel comic. Really dark. Saw, Bringing Down the House. Very funny and cute. Worth every penny of my rental money. I would have to say, I would be willing to purchase. Not saying that I will, just willing. Also, I had to work on Saturday which was not so cool.

Then, Sunday, I went to my very first work out session of my FREE two week pass! I was so excited. I am going back again today even though there are some really sore parts on me today. Well not REALLY sore, more like foreshadowing what is going to happen tomorrow. The gym lady helped me take all of my measurements and told me what to do in order to reduce this and increase that. It was super cool. She said that it is no longer about weight, but more about inches. She said that weight becomes null because muscle weighs more than fat so I probably won't lose any weight, just inches. Yea! Size 6, here I come. I will probably join after this two week freebee is up, because my friend is the sales guy there and said he would cut me a deal. Yes, inspiration. It will be an everyday venture for a while until things get to a point where I can maintain at three or four visits a week. Cool though. I am willing and able.

That is my last week. I wish there was some thread to connect these days, but not really. Oh well. This is just my life, one day at a time.

Labor Free Weekend Update

So much for labor free......there seemed to be a lot of work involved, but mostly it was just working on being a family. Let's see........ah yes, Friday:

Friday: Went to Mama's and Daddy's and stayed the night.

Saturday: Going to Waycross, checked in at the Holiday Inn. Went to Grandmama's and Papa's and SURPRISE!! Happy Birthday Papa!!! Ran errands, made dinner and ate dinner. Had b'day cake and icecream. Opened presents. Took pictures. Took more pictures. Sang songs around the piano and Ben sang and played his trumpet. Took more pictures. Went back to the hotel.

Sunday: Went back to the house: cooked for dinner, had breakfast and visited. Went to Folkston for reunion. Ate dinner, played spades, took pictures, visited with cousins, cousins, cousins and aunts and uncles. Say, we are the only family who has their whole family with them. Cheerio, that's quite nice. Hurray for us. Hugs and I love yous because off we go again. Went to great Uncle Neal's and Aunt Bell's to see "the Old Place" which is the house that Grandmama grew up in. Beautiful place. Take more pictures. Now for the ride home .........................................at least Dad didn't snore because everyone was sleepin' if possible. Yea, home again, home again, jiggity jog. Sleepy time. Look at all the pictures first.

Monday: Up, up, it's time to go. It's Labor Day in Avondale Estates. Carter and Rae run the Labor Day. Carter makes 5k, Rae makes one. Hurray for us. Back to Mama's and Daddy's. Eat lunch. Go to Pirates of the Carribean (thought it would make the Green Family Favorites, however, missed by a hare!! arkarkark). Went to Walmart, bought the Two Towers and Dirty Dancing (yea Dad). Went to Publix for milk and Papa Johns for pizza. Watched a movie and ate pizza. sleepytime during the movie. Oh no look at the time!! Gotta go. Back to Avondale to pick up Carter's Car and then off to the mountains. Oh John is glad Rae's home. Oh what a weekend. The pictures are great. Home again, home again, jiggity jog.