Somedays are about being broken.  I took all day yesterday thinking that if I took a day to recoop from school work for a day, that I could get back on the horse and ride it through the next 8 days.  Turns out, not so much.  All it took was the glitch in a computer printing for me to fall a part.  I was screaming at my husband and beating on the computer and in a total disaster of a moment.  My husband's last torid comment was "Why can't you act like an adult?!".  My answer was BECAUSE!

Yes, it was that bad. 

Once I settled down, and my husband disappeared into a world of weed eating, I called my Mom.  She did what Mom's always does and reminds me that it is just not that big of a deal and that it really doesn't matter and that it's all gonna be okay.  It made me cry some more.  I realized that the computer/printer was just the straw that broke the camel's back and that it had been a long time coming.  I just broke: gave way to the pressures. 

I finished my printing.  I mailed my invites.  I went into town to do some banking.  The whole time I wasn't really all that cognizant, mostly just going through the motions.  I came home and made some lunch and watch a little something on tv.  And now the headache has set in from the overwhelming onslought of emotional crisis.  While yesterday was about rest, today was about emotions. 

There had not been a whole lot of God in my day today.  I did say my prayers this morning, but I have not prayed since.  Mostly just a lot of Self.  Whenever I am this full of self, I do break.  I have to surender all over again and remember that I am not God.  Today is just a day of brokeness. The process of getting to the place to start over...again.   

"Who Knocks at the Door of Learning?"
"I am EveryWoman"
"What do you seek?"
"To awaken my Spirit through Hardwork and dedicate my life to Knowledge"
"Then You are welcome, all women who seek to follow You can enter Here"

My life is totally out of my control.  As much as I would love to fit into my Red dress with White polkadots, it is not going to happen today.  The last two weeks have been all about what I sought.  I started down the path of educational experience three years ago.  I recognize that this journey is contributory to me being sick and tired.  I am not sick of school as much as I am tired of it.  I am exhausted of tests, papers, the headache of trying to complete the long awaited senior final semester. 

As a young woman I completed a liberal arts degree, which was...liberating.  I had no tools to find my way in the world.  I had no understanding of myself, who I was or who I wanted to be.  The education was not for me but for all those who thought that I should have an education.  Unfortunately, I was unable to use what I had acheived.  I thought that I should try again.  I thought, maybe I could find something to do of use.

Once again, I find myself in the same predicament as I did three years ago: unemployed and of no use.  I am sick of unemployment. 

I chose this path.  I love the work.  I love the opportunities it presents.  I just hope now that I have found a career, I can get hired. 

There has been no obtaining my seven goals that I set.  My weight has not increased nor has it decreased.  I am still sick and tired.  Just thinking about changing my eating is a tumultuous upheaval of emotions: selfpity, anger, frustration, overwhelming disgust and tremendous fear.  My prayers to God lately have been about "get me through this day" than about "help me eat right."  Being thin has not been my focus.  I made a decision for a different focus back in August of 2007.  Now all I have left for that focus is 8 days.  In 8 days I will have no more tests, papers, finals.  In eight days I will have no more school.  In 8 days all life as I have known it for the past three years will be over. 

I hope that the hard work I have put into becoming of use will transfer into changing my body. 

Overheard at Easter:

John: That's what you should look like Rae! 
Rae: Yeah, well I was dancing for an hour a day, swimming for an hour and a half and gosh only knows what else.  So...if you are willing to give up your quality time with me, sure I can be that. 

This is the kind of thing I am used to: what I used to look like everywhere I turn.  I was a thin, beautiful, active young woman who was in every club I could be, a part of musicals, choirs, handbells, played violin (which requires lessons & practice) and piano, was maintaining a 3.47 GPA, babysat to make money AND had a social life.  Can you say WHAT?! 90 miles an hour with my hair on fire.  That is me.  I still go 90 miles an hour these days and the stress is different but still there.  Now instead of getting into college, it is finding a job.  Instead of paying for my mission trips, clothes etc, it's paying the bills.  Instead of the best GPA, it's being the best person I can be. 

Unfortunately, fat means fatigue, fatigue, fatigue.  Not to mention I take two allergy meds that both say: may cause drowsiness (uh, understatement!!!).  I have never been so tired in my life as I have been in the past couple years.

I have always heard that exercise gives you energy, but here on Day 5, I am totally exhausted.  I want to lay down for a nap for about an hour.  It would be so nice.  But I asked God to get me down that driveway.  My best friend has also suggested some modifications to what I was doing.  She said the situps are useless at this point and I need to focus on whole body.  So I am supposed to jump rope 1 min, pushups 1 min, lunges 1 min (no break) and then run my driveway down and back.  Then 2-3 min break and do it again.  It makes me tired just thinking bout it. 

Of course I also have to research sources for my papers, take a quiz for advanced financial accounting, send out a few resumes, turn the laundry over, do the dishes, switch my winter clothes to spring clothes, pay attention to my husband, get drinks for Beta Alpha Psi function tomorrow and go grocery shopping, not to mention get to bed at a decent hour (1130 would be awesome).  Fatigue. 

Did I mention it was a beautiful day outside?  I mean down right gorgeous?  And God spilt my dinner on my kahki's so I have to change...into my workout gear. 

You think I could outsource my nap?

Day One: Started blog over, ran down the driveway. 

Now this sounds a bit rediculous to some people: running down the driveway.  My Mom could run down her driveway in four steps.  Maybe more, she is short.  But her driveway is just a bit longer than the length of her car, which means it is not much of one.  But then again, I think she lives on a postage stamp.  Very small land. 

I live on a 65+/- acre farm.  I don't live on the edge of the farm.  I don't live at one of the four corners of the farm.  I live square in the middle of the pasture.  When I look out my front window: cows.  When I look out my back window: cows.  Doesn't matter where I am: cows. 

In order to get to where I live, it is .2 of a mile down a dirt road.  The entire length of the road, which runs right up to the fence gate is .25 of a mile.  This is not a friendly dirt drive.  It is not like oh, how sweet, I am driving to the little house on the prairie.  It is full of dirt, cow patties, a calf on occasion who gets out from under the wire, rocks, a golf ball (noticed it the other day buried deep), hills and dips and finally levels off at the road and or my shack.  It is dirty and rough.  But because it is a quarter mile long, it makes for nice laps.  Two laps = 1 mile.  I don't keep track of time or anything like that because it is just a miracle in and of its self that I am running at all. 

In order for me to get down my driveway, I pray in my morning prayers: God get me down that driveway.  Of course He doesn't put my running shoes on for me or plug my i-pod in or open the door to the shack to let me out.  I am not really sure what He does, but I still ask for help because when I have asked for help in the past, He always helps.

So I ran one mile.  I did 5 real pushups (not those pansy girlly ones that just unequalize the playing field and oppress women).  I did 100 crunches.  I did 40 bicep curls per arm.  It felt good.  I was sweating like those people in the gym. 

Here's to living on a farm with a built in track. 

Here's to my red dress with white polka dots.

  I suffer from two deadly sins: sloth and gluttony.  I don't ever want to do anything and I want what I want when I want it.  This is the King Baby syndrome, although I like to think of myself as a princess.  Yes, this is egotistical and down right repulsive, so welcome to my innards.  I am not a goddess as those transcendentalists women say about themselves.  I don't like to pretend I am something I am not just to make me feel better about myself.  It is unrealistic, and I am unrealistic enough with my princess hat.  I am who I am, for better or for worse.  I have come to a point in my life where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of my gluttonous and slothful ways.  I am at a jumping off place.  I am willing to go to any lengths to change...my body.  I am sick and tired of the way I look and act to look that way! 

So a little about me...starting with my weight.  I am 175 lbs.  It is not the heaviest I have ever been, but it is not who I want to be either.  I am 5'4" so this is a little on the chunky side. 

Goal One: Lose 40lbs: I have heard that "you" should have a flexible weight range because we are never one steady eddy weight so I would like to be between 135-145 lbs. 

I am a size 12 in Walmart jeans, but a size 14 in just about everything else.  I wear a size DD bra which is totally uncomfortable and literally back breaking.  I hate it.  I would love to be a C again.  I wear large to exta large shirts depending on the maker.  I don't even want to talk about dresses bc it would mean showing my legs which used to be a great asset and now have things like stretch marks and early signs of spider veins.  Bathing suits are out of the question this year unless...I feel like my body is screaming at me to lose the weight.  It is embarrasing to shop for clothes and when I get dressed in the morning there is nothing, just absolutely nothing that looks good on other than a tent that I can hide under and hope no one notices me, which with my personality is virtually impossible. 

Goal Two: Size 8? That would mean I would lose 4 sizes.  Is that 40lbs? I don't know.  I hope so.

I love to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it.  I love Moose Tracks Icecream; Hotdogs with ketchup, mustard and relish and a little cheese; Meat Lovers PIZZA with dough crust; White Cheddar Cheezits by the box; Spaghettios, spaghetti for that matter.

Goal Three: Eat more fruits and veggies, less junk

I used to be an 8 Varsity letterman in high school.  Mostly, I liked the social nature of sports.  I like the teams.  I liked that even though I was totally wrung out from swimming a bazillion laps in the pool, Casey would look at me and go: you can do it, get in there and then he'd dive out in front of me without listening to my "yeah, but"s, so I would be forced to follow him and in the water I'd go.  These days, I do nothing.  When I say nothing, I mean nothing.  I watch lots of tv, read a few text books, facebook and make dinner.  Sometimes I don't even do chores, just because it is exhausting to do. 

Goal Four: Do SOMETHING.  Preferably chores and exercise.

I should mention, I have a huge spiritual component to my life.  While I am egotistical as all hell, I am also beginning a journey with the God of my understanding, which for those of you who don't know, that would be GOD.  I don't think there are more than one, although Genisis is raising some questions about that as it refers to God as a plural beings.  Anyway! I am nine years and nine months down this path.  There are several things I do on a daily basis, without fail: 1) I pray every morning and every night 2) I try to practice spiritual principals such as being honest, having integrity, awareness of God, helping others, discipline. 

Goal Five: Put God in my eating habits, my dress size, my exercise and ask for help to eliminate my selfishness.  Make me a temple for the Lord as they say. 

It feels like I should have a date to work on some of these...

Goal Six: Wear the red dress with polka dots (sz 10) to my July 4th party!

Seems like I should have 7 goals since it is a holy number...

Goal Seven! Keep the blog up.