if you smile through the fear and sorrow,
smile and maybe tomorrow,
you'll see the sun come shinin',
through,
to you....so smile

While this whole real world job experience has been great and wonderful. The stress, fear and overwhelming sense of impending doom have been constant. I loved the conent of the job as it was posed to me from one point, however, from the other point, I was ravished with an inability to do my job. I don't know if it is because I am by clinical and medical perspectives deemed crazy. That is the clinical term for it, ask any shrink about someone with my condition. Or if the pendulum is true and it had nothing to do with me. Just the same the job is gone. Way gone. Luckily, instead of quitting when I was ready to quit back in June, I got to be fired. Again. This is a theme in my life. I was told (for the first time, which is a good sign of growth) that they were so pleased that I was handling this termination so professionally. I asked them if they expected something less. They said that it was odd that I had so little in my office that was personal. I said that I wanted to quit since June and shortly after, I cleaned out my office. I asked them if they thought I was too stupid to know that they were going to fire me today. They said no, I said, apparently not, other wise they wouldn't have asked the question. I said besides, no fit pitching means when people call and ask would you rehire this person you would say yes, but not in the position she used to have! Fears and sorrows. I took my two plants and my leather binder and went home. I have a nice severance package coming my way and somewhere inside while all of that was happening, I felt relief. I felt better. I felt like now people would leave me alone about real jobs for a change. I felt like I could take a break and breath. God was my employer. I wasn't worried about my bills or my love or my life. I wasn't afraid when they told me to go. I was accepting. I even said a little prayer to say God give me the strength to respond and not react. God give me the strength to be the person I know You want me to be. I cried some. Not really much though. I went to Sherry's flower shop and talked it out. Processed it. Picked up the paper for something more. I made a phone call to a place and a woman overheard my phone call and said she was looking for someone. It is half of what I made before. It does have benefits. It is not a "real job." It is not a pressure cooker like the old job. It is NOT waiting tables. Being fired and hired all within an hour. Unbelievable. I can dance. I can laugh. I can pay my bills.

I can see the sun shinin through to me and you...so I will smile.

Well the shower went well. All were squeaky clean when they left. I was left with a resolve not to have children for a while. While being five years. Every woman there had a baby or child. There was a two month old baby, a thirteen month old baby, a seventeen month old baby and two teenagers--17 & 19. All were girls except one teenage boy who wouldn't come down stairs other than to say good bye and eat up the left overs, so appropriate. I have never experienced so much noise in my life. Mom's trying to have conversations only to be interuppted to correct children, change clothes or diapers, catch spit up, stop screaming or catch something that was about to break. It was impossible to do anything other than eat fruit, open gifts and say "How cute." It was a party for two hours and all I could think is when can I leave after the first ten minutes. I understand why women stay home with their children for the first five years. It takes a lot just to watch one child, not to mention three. If we had been a day care center instead of a baby shower, I would say that more people were needed to watch the children. There really needed to be one and a half adults for every one child. It was crazy.

Even crazier, I left the party only to hop in a car for several hours to go to Macon. John & I arrived in the nick of time for dinner. We were able to eat dinner, listen to someone speak get and get to bed on time. It was awesome. Unfortunately, traveling to Macon took more out of me than I realized. While we were there we stopped to see one of my favorite uncles, Uncle George. He looked remarkable considering he had his sternum sawed apart and was being held together by wires. It was a good visit. So good that John & I tried another good visit with his Dad and Faye. Surprisingly, a late lunch and time with them was really good too. They had just come in from Florida. They are travelers and are always coming in from somewhere. We made it home in time for me to leave for dance class in ATHENS. So I was back in the car again for another hour to Athens.

I was late to dance class, but it was worth it. I love to dance. I am so glad that it is something I am committeed to doing. It makes me feel good about being me. I got home in time to prepare for today and work on some basics (i.e. laundry, loading & unloading the dishwasher, make lunch for today, set up the coffee pot for this mornig). I was in bed and asleep by ten only to be awoken by phone calls from those I love. Meg called to tell me all about the cool new people she'd met. She is happy which is the first step in being in a new town, trying new things. John called me for no reason at all. He just is ready to be married and hates the fact that we are not in the same home yet. He would much rather come home and me be there. Soon, I say. Soon. So I finally laid me down to sleep and prayed the Lord my soul to keep, because I realize that while I had two days away from work, I had no days for myself or the Lord. Only God will keep me sane this week. Hopefully, next weekend I will have more of me for me and most importantly, me for God.

Whew.

Long weekends. Long blogs.

I am throwing a shower with a girlfriend for two other girlfriends tomorrow. The most interesting thing about the normal baby shower phenom is that I don't know these two women! At one point in time of my life, they were friends. As in, I have been roommates with both of them. Today, they have both had children (it is an after the baby is here baby shower) and I have never seen their children! They were born and/or adopted over six months ago and I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM! Nor have I seen those two women in the same time. Oh well, they are busy raising the children, right? Whatever. Not a phone call. Not a lunch. Not a nothing. Why am I throwing the shower? I have no idea. Because I said I would and that is the right thing to do. It is probably the only time I will see the mamas or the daughters for the next five years. Debi said that I need to write about it because there is inner conflict about this. I say that things have changed in their lives and mine and we are just not friends right now. Maybe another day. Maybe that is why I am throwing the shower. Maybe to be friends again. The more friends the merrier we become.

I could have danced all night,
I could have danced all night,
And then I could have danced some more...


I have started dance class. I am taking two ballet courses and one jazz course. It is in Athens, so it is a drive, but not that bad. I didn't know if I would remember anything, but my mind remembers. It is the strangest thing to hear this woman speak french terms and say specific things that are the lingo and my mind says, "I can do that." The problem is that it can't. It is very funny. I know what she is saying. I understand the moves, but my body is totally out of whack. It is so funny. I am backing up to beginner status so that my body can get back into whack with my mind. I love the class though. The teacher is great too. She is one of those kooky, older women who look like they used to dance once. What is really impressive is that she can dance. When she explains things (which she does once and quickly) she does the moves. It is amazing. She looks like a kooky old woman, but she is a hidden balerina. The girls in the class with me are all awesome. That is okay. It is like tennis. If you want to get better, play with someone who is. They will help my body to remember. The coolest thing about the kooky ballet teacher is that the first piece of music she played to go with our tondue exercise was the theme music from Ann of Green Gables. Yeah, I am not kidding. I get to dance with Lindsay Winzeler too. Who would guess that someone from Avondale would be there? It is a great thing. Carter says thirty minutes three times a week. This is an hour three times a week. Hopefully, I will be picturesque beautiful and back to being happy like I like it again. Whew. I sure am happy today. Thank goodness for dance.