4 days

Jack Frost was nipping at my nose this morning. For some reason my insides thought it was Christmas. The house was warm and cozy with soft lights on in the back ground. The air outside was crisp and a hard frost covered everything. It was like snow but not.

I was supposed to go dance last night and instead went to the Donnelly's for family fun. Maybe I will go tonight. I am so nervous, I can't stand doing something normal. I want to do fun exciting things to go with my nervouse energy and dancing seems mundain. I can't believe that something I enjoy so much, my mind would consider mundain. So last night I went to the Donnelly's. Grace has been asked to take the SAT. Both Grace and Cooper got their quarter one grades: All A's. Cooper had the lowest grade in Science: 96. Then once the kids went off to do homework, we adult folk talked politics over coffee. The Donnelly's make it interesting because Craig is republican and Sherry is a democrat. Fun. We had great political debate until finally Sherry asked if I studied political science in college (I should have). I told her my parents are that political. I pay attention.

My house no longer looked barren when I got back to it last night. It did however look like a wreck. So tonight, if I don't dance (probably won't dance) I will clean it up and finish the last few boxes worth. I would rather talk about politics with my family, but I guess I will have time for that soon enough. There is so much to do tomorrow: marriage liscence, post office, move out, bank accounts, insurance, flowers, goodies for guests, programs for ceremony, pay the priest, clean the apartment, so many things. Today seems to be traveling at a great rate of speed. I could have sworn it was Christmas morning just a second ago.

5 days

My apartment looks like someone has robbed it. It is less a dresser and bookcases and pictures on the walls. It looks crazy. I didn't realize in moving so much yesterday how honestly barren it would be, but it is bad. Tonight is clean up night. Normally I would go dance, but I am too much...a bit too nervous. John says I should dance, but what does he know...

One more day of work. I can barely stand it.

The organist called and is ready. The man playing at the reception called and is ready. The priest spoke with John & I yesterday at church, she is ready. The tuxes are ordered. The food is ordered. The flowers are ordered. The friends are invited. The family has booked hotel rooms. The flower girl has a dress. The ring bearer has a tux and boutineer.

All that's left is the party.

Whew.

So I feel more like an Agnes Scott woman this morning than ever. I don't know if it is the black turtleneck I put on that matches the onyx in my ring, the Main Events that I recieved in the post this week or the salad I had for lunch yesterday making me feel good about myself. Or maybe it has been hanging out with Grace and talking about school and having excitement about learning.

In the Main Events there was much more about our class than normal. I don't know why that is that we are re-bonding again. We were a pretty close class for being the largest graduating class (125 people, which of course is no longer the largest class). I was reading over it with Grace the other night in awe of the women I have graduated with: Mandy married an f-15 pilot in the AirForce and is a stay at home mom; Laura has been studying public health in New Mexico while getting a masters in epidmeiology and getting married, dealing with her father's death; Bonnie composed a piece that is being played in Carnegie Hall; Michelle is in Dublin working for the bank; Anna is getting a masters, married, raising a youngin and working a full time job; Erica had a baby girl; Giselle is a recruiter for GT, while being in charge of all kinds of things; Charissa is married, raising a little girl, and being an artist; Jessica graduated from Harvard; Sarah, Dinah & Ginny are married; Le'Aqua is raising a junior olympian; Kim is establishing non-profits....THESE are the women I graduated with! They are amazing and productive and make me amazed that I was a part of them. When I asked Grace who they sounded like, she said "me." Yep, I am groomin Grace for Scott. I told her the only exceptions to the rule would be if she went to Wellesley. I told her these are your peers my dear. She loved it.

So why is it that I feel more like a Scottie than ever? I don't know. I think it was because of this mornings time of meditation. I thought what do I have that they have that would make me a part of, what can I contribute? I have something that they don't nor could they ever experience, nor do I lend so much information when it comes to print: I am recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I am six and a half years without a drink or a drug. I am four years without a cigarette. I am fully self supporting. I have a strong belief in God that fuels me daily. I am about to marry a man who shares my spiritual beliefs. I have all new oak raised cabinets with curios shelved tops and a new stove. Only Scotties can do these things. Much like our class mascot, we are Wonder Women. I won't ever be able to print any of the grand things of my life, but I am forever tied to my alma mater. I don't know that I could say the same if I had gone to a big school. I have a fresh understanding of who I am today that I didn't have yesterday. I am a woman of Agnes Scott College. I am a graduate of the class of 1998. I wear my Agnes Scott Ring with pride and knowledge that I am worthy of it.

How do you know that you have the best man in the whole world?

When the first phone call you get is I start my new job on November 6.

When the second phone call is I got you all new counter tops, cabinets and a stove and they are free!

I think I am in love with Gene Kelly, who could ask for anything more?

8 days..

How do you know that you have the best man in the whole world?

When the first phone call you get is I start my new job on November 6.

When the second phone call is I got you all new counter tops, cabinets and a stove and they are free!

I think I am in love with Gene Kelly, who could ask for anything more?

8 days..

Dance is such a wonderful thing. Last night's dance class was just great. I mean, great. Had I had a choice, I would have let it go on for at least another hour. Then I talked to my girlfriend Debbie all the way home. I am a phone talker. Some people are not phone talkers, but I could talk on a phone all day long. I like to talk and work on my house at the same time, however, it is also a good way to pass along the commute back from Athens. Last weekend I talked with Aunt Bonnie for over two and a half hours on the phone. Can you imagine? I didn't realize it until it was almost ten o'clock and was ready for bed. Strangely, my phone bill has increased last month, not in cost, rather in minutes on that Sunday night commute all the way back from Athens (weekends are unlimited free minutes and man do I use it). On nights and weekends I am talking 1380 minutes, that means I am talking for almost a WHOLE DAY on the weekends. Pretty impressive my friend. Mom holds the title for longest phone call which is a total of 72 minutes. Mom is a total NON phone person, which means it must have been important. It was a Sunday. Something about Sundays. Mom has always said that I could make friends with a brick wall. Maybe that is who I have been talking to on the phone. My total phone talking comes to forty hours...a month. It is a part time job. I love it.

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of fun tomake life better. Friday night went to OUtback in Commerce so as to meet up with Megan and hang out. I had a bit of shopping to do for the wedding too so and it is half way for both of us to drive. Perfect! We get to Outback and to make things better, two of our friends are already there, Patrick and Carlton. Patrick and Carlton are like hanging out with the Blue Collar Comedy tour so needless to say, there was great merriment. Even better, while we waited for our table, they ate dinner. While we ate dinner, they had coffee and hung out with us! It was great fun. So instead of having to wait on our good time in line, we had a long happy, familiar evening. Saturday night, Martha threw a party and with a whole separate group of friends (although the comedy tour was there initially, but left to go to a movie) John & I had another great evening. It was like family. Unbelievable. Martha has an awesome bonfire/chimenea/mesh wiring type thing to burn wood in and everyone brought snackables. We sat around that fire for HOURS, talked about studdering country stars, Henry V, brawlhead and laughed until we were so tired, we weren't sure we would make it off the mountain. Finally, Sunday breakfast with the boys was the best so far. Today it was an honest family. It was apparent that everyone was honestly trying and enjoying their efforts in being a family. David is going to apply to Winthrop University, North Georgia and Young Harris to begin his stint in college looking realistically because of his grades (he has a 3.6 and is not sure that will fly at the big schools). He is making all A's except for chemistry which is an 86 because of his first test. Joey is doing great at work and buldging out of his clothes because of his new workout schedules being so productive. He is very excited to increase his body size because this way he is less like his brother Eric who is a sissy boy. Eric, unfortunately wasn't there, but Timbo, a good friend, was. He looked about like me because there was no water and Clarkesville thus no shower, however, happy because it had been a good weekend. It was a great weekend. I finally feel like I am back to normal. I finally feel like I am happy again. I get to go to dance tonight just to add to the good things that are happening. Sometimes my life is a Gene Kelly movie. Who could ask for anything more?

These are the days when anything goes,
Everyday is a winding road,
I get a little bit closer,

I don't generally like Sheryl Crow, but she is what is on the radio and this particular song is one of the few that show off her ability. It also is more applicable than ever. Each day I have been away from my old job the more I heal and I get closer to feeling fine. People have been telling me that they have noticed that I have been sick because I share WAY too much information instead of keeping it short and simple: KISS--keep it simple stupid or simply simple or simple silly, just depends on who you are and how badly I want to call you a name. But I have not been simple. I have been complex and extensive. Last night I was able to share, be poinant and simple. It was nice. I felt good about myself. Capable. Like I had healed a bit. It was nice. Today I feel great too because I actually got a full night's sleep which makes me feel even better. To add icing on my cake for the day, John went to pick up our new washer and dryer that Mom & Dad gave us as a wedding gift. Sorry folks, but no matter what you give me, Mom & Dad have out done you with that one. I did that to Carter once on Father's Day. Some gifts are just mind blowing *I gave Dad a Homer Hickum signed copy of Rocket Boys* and there is no attempting to give as good a gift. THANK GOODNESS for a washer/dryer. Hurray. I have never owned one before and it makes me feel like a real adult owning something so big and domestic. I will start packing this evening too. Hopefully, that will be like adding an icing yellow rose to my cake!

Everyday is a fading sun,
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine...

16 days

Little ditty about Jack and Diane,
Two American kids growing up in the heartland...

Wierd things are happening to me lately. I am noticing unrighteous things such as...

I purchased my last 1/2 gallon of milk as a single person.

I am saving boxes at work to move into my fiance's home.

I am having conversations such as "We should get a Christmas Tree and put it in that corner."

These are weird things. These are not conversations or events that I have ever run across before. Not to mention, never will again. I have been really tender lately. I have a tendency to cry even when people aren't being mean to me. Michelle says that it is because of losing my job and getting ready to be married. ??? Which is it I wonder. I almost cried when I bought the milk. I have worked hard to be an independent female, capable of self support, nested well into a homey apartment with all acutraments screaming you are in my house...welcome. I am going to have to start over again accept instead of me it will be we.

Oh yeah,
Life goes on,
Long after the thrill of living is gone....

One of my coworkers, who is much younger than I, had to make a decision that I don't know if I could make. His wife was taken to the hospital due to complications with her pregnancy. The doctor looked him square in the eye and said you have a decision to make. You can lose the baby girl or you can lose the mama and the baby. They took the baby girl. She was twelve ounces and completely formed, however was not able to live. His wife is still in intensive care and there is a risk of a stroke. I think God knows who can and who can't. I mean, this guy is twenty-one. 21!!! I wasn't even capable of a relationship at twenty-one, not to mention making life altering decisions in a relationship. It makes me think about John. Will he have to make these types of decisions with me? Will I with him? The answer is yes. I just hope that it is not within the next couple of weeks. I have made enough life altering decisions just for myself for one year. I don't know that I could handle for John too. Growing up has great pains. I have definitely experienced my share and exactly when I could handle it. God just knows.

18 days

I think I just got taken by a cheerleader. She was blonde haired and blue eyed. She had a nice smile, bows in her hair and a yellow cheer shirt on with black cheer shorts. Everything about her said rah! rah! shish boom bah! She explained it all quite clearly. She said that she was looking for sponsors for her first year in cheer and that I could give on any level. There were three levels (bronze, silver and gold) and that even if I couldn't give on one of those levels, I could just give a few dollars to help out. So I gave on the silver level and began to fill out the form. She quickly yanked the form out from under my pen and said, oh no. You don't have to fill this out it is just to explain it. She then accepted politely the money, turned on her heal and zip out the door. Thank you! She cried as she took off to meet up with her cousin who had come in with her to use the bathroom. No more than ten. She was a con that was no more than ten. She gave no receipt. I can't even remember her team name or cheer association. AND I don't get credit for being a silver sponsor. WHAT IS THAT? I just got scammed by a cheerleader! Who said these chicks were stupid? That was the slickest thing I have ever seen. Amazing. I should write a movie script or plot about savage, manipulating ten year old cheerleaders who con folks out of money.

Friends with shadows on the wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep

So I haven't been sleeping lately. I have been reading. I am reading a horrific, surprisingly funny romantic comedy that qualifies under harlequin. I could have sworn that Harlequin novels were marked through their covers of fabio men and beautiful women, however this one came with a listing across the top as on the New York Times Best Seller list for x amount of weeks. My thoughts were that it would be a good read if it were on the best seller list. It has two scenes in it that made me look around to see if anyone was watching me read this book. Outside of those two scenes, one of which, if I had been the editor I would have cut because it has no impact on the plot, it is a very funny little novel and much like the Meg Ryan good girl movies has captivated me. I can't put it down. I read at night before I go to bed and I CAN"T GO TO SLEEP. I am up every night until midnight. This isn't so bad because I don't get up until seven, which gives me seven hours of sleep, but that is one hour too short. Each day I get one hour closer to total exhaustion and complete mental break down. You think I am kidding you. My friends call it pumpkinizing. Rae turns into a pumpkin at ten o'clock. I become an evil, ugly pumpkin that haunts people in dreams. A pumpkin that people write about in stories like Icabod Crane and the headless horseman! Oooh. Aahh...HOLY SNIKIES. This month being the month of fall and Halloween to top things off, I don't really need to add to the air. Hopefully, tonight will be the end of this monstrous affair with this book. Hopefully, all 600 pages of it will be completed in only seven days. Who would guess that I would read a book in seven days. I am the slowest reader in the world.

I need my sleeeeeeppp.......got to function....

Waiting round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,


It is harder to keep up with people without the luxury of a computer. The first thing I have done this morning was to put in my contacts so I can read my brother's blog. I actually called him last night because I didn't know how he was. I needed to ask. I missed him. My life is gaining momentum. Now that I have a new job (which is easy and amazing! People are nice there! Who would guess that God had that planned for me?) it is not as fast paced as I had expected it to be, but it is still faster than I want it to be. Each day off I have until the wedding is filled with tasks. I have Sundays, which entail church and moving. I am not willing to move in one big ta-da. I am willing to move several days with small loads and perhaps one big day for things like a dresser. Wednesdays...well here is my current Wednesday: Tuesday morning, pack for Tuesday night, not forgetting lunch for work that day or dinner for that evening, go to work, go to dance (thirty minute prep time to leave before dance and make it on time), go to Mom's (where I get to see my parents for thirty minutes, which makes me want to stay for longer), sleep(which hasn't been coming easy lately so mostly I am tired all the time....ALL the time) get up, read blogs, go to dress fitting, leave for N.Ga, meet with priest, down time of two hours, pick up Grace & Cooper for a night of family fun (strangely they consider me family which is good because the rest of their family--Mom & Dad-- are working tonight, one in Japan the other in Gainesville. Grace was upset that I couldn't come on the regular game nights, which are Wednesday nights. She said that I was like an aunt or something. That was very sweet. When they had a family meeting they voted to have me as a substitute player when a parent couldn't be there. So I am either some weird aunt or a substitute parent. Hmm...) until ten tonight where I come home finally and sleep so as to go back to work. Not much of a day off. That is the way my life is this month though. Wedding, wedding, wedding. Finally...I have all the invitations out! Ha!

I have several beginnings of blogs in my head that I figure I can get out since I am here at the folks.

I saw the new teenage volvo the other day in Athens. I was sad. Gone are the boxy wagons of the eighties for the kids to drive off to college. In are the new triangular 720 models. I remember thinking when Mr. Scott got his what a nice vehicle it was. Appropriately, the tradition of covering the back hatch with liberal bias bumper stickers is still in fashion. Things like kerry/edwards stickers, i brake for animals, look twice for motocylces, two college loyalties and several haphazard bands such as panic, dave matthews and the atlanta symphony. The conservatives may have us on the fact that no matter what ribbon is stuck to your car it is a sign on your car that you voted for bush like the families who have a crazy number up front in the window for the parent pick up at the elementary schools. But we have them on the covering of the back of vehicles. Screw ribbons, we are liberals. We are more imaginative than that. We make the whole back of our hand me down cars look like the vw busses of the sixties. AND everyone can read what we stand for, unlike the ribbons which you have to get really close to in order to find out what it says and who is stealing their money. Although I find it interesting that there is never a solid red ribbon on the back of people's car. That would be AIDS research. Interesting.

Is it just me or should police follow the same laws we do? I mean, I get it if there is an emergency of some kind. No lights. No sirens. Stops for red lights. That indicates that the police officer I was sharing the road with was not in a state of emergency. #121 car from Gwinnette County Police was on highway 316 at nine pm last night. I have never actually driven 316 before last night. Calling the 'rents to find out that I should be careful because there are LOTS of stop lights on 316. That tells me that you really can't go all that fast. This guy ran up on me in the left lane with a clear right lane. He was so close to the back of my car I could only see his headlights on occasion. I didn't know at the time it was a cop so I politely, tapped my breaks to let her know to go around. She didn't budge, rather chose to attach herself to my bumper. I was so tired from dance, I just arranged the mirrors so they didn't blind me. Then, for no apparent reason I was passed on the right. Luckily she left my bumper on my car. Then took off with a high rate of speed at which time I noticed it was a cop, but couldn't tell from where because she was going so fast. So I sped up. I turned on my Saturn booster rockets to go from 65 (the speed limit on 316) to 80. I COULDN"T CATCH HIM. I thought to myself, well, now they are allowed to go quickly in case of emergency. She will run the red light if it is an emergency. Flash the lights, go through. So I kept up as best I could to the next stop light. Nope. He stopped. It took several stoplights before I caught up to her to get the number and jurisdiction of the car. #121 in Gwinnett County: SLOW DOWN.

I am taking Jazz and Ballet at this dance class in Athens on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. I have to drive an hour to get there and I don't care because it makes me feel good. On Sunday, I got a good Rachel, from the teacher while doing jazz walks. Then on Monday (which is so much harder) in ballet, I have a dance teacher who is the epitome of ballet teachers. She is kind, soft, older, body out of shape, but don't underestimate her ability to show a trick or two. She is stern while uncaring about our dance. We are beginners so there is an understanding of patience that she has. There are two gals in the class who are teachers for the school who are amazing dancers and I can't figure out why they are in the class other than they recognize that ballet is the fundamentals of dance and it is good to take as much as you can. They are typically used to demonstrate a hard new excersize the teacher wants us to do. When it comes to hanging with these two gals, I hold my own. I am twice their size, but I get the moves correct. On Monday, the teacher used me as the demostration of a new move. Developes. They are not easy when you do them from passe. She stood next to me and spoke the commands: Passe, develope an de dan, passe, develope segunde, drop the hip, passe, develope on reaire, back straight up, passe, develope segunde, passe, releve, hold...hold...hold....And they clapped. The class clapped for me? Yes, they applauded for me. Even weirder: the advanced girls started the applause. Who would guess you get brownie points for trying? There is something special about getting praise from a teacher. It makes you know that you are doing well and achieving a goal. There is something else that happens when you recieve praise from the students in the class with you. I want that to happen again and again. I want that everyday and every moment of my life. I am selfish like that. I am grateful that it happened once in my lifetime, my guess it is something to be cherished, something to be considered a treasure, something rarely attainable. I am so grateful, it made me cry when I got home for joy.

Okay, I am going to be late to the wedding dress fitting. THUSLY, the rest of my day.

Until next time, from the Sautee Valley, where the men are strong, the women are beautiful and the children are above average. Here's saying goodnight....morning.