Space for rent

There is nothing like giving up of my time and energy to people who are known for their anger, their basic meaness. I worry that they are going to get me. I worry that they are going to make my life hard. I worry that they are going to talk about me behind my back. I worry that I won't be able to stop them. I worry that they. . .

There is something to be said when I am in a place of lack of worry. Lack of worrying about other people. Lack of worrying about other things. Lack of worrying about other places. Some folks call it an Eagles song, peaceful easy feeling. I call it serenity. It is that place of drifting in my own world where others don't interfere. I like to concentrate on wedding stuff or what movie to rent or who to hang out with next. I like to think about how I can walk this afternoon or not. I like to read the news.

This whole people renting space in my head drives me nuts. It has been a while since anyone has really lived up there. I can't figure out how to evict them. Let GO they say. Yeah, more like move out, I say.

Truly, Truly I say to you...

I am reading the book of John. It is not the easiest Gospel. There are lots of things about it that I don't get and then for no apparent reason, he tells a story and I get it because it was so smoothly written. It's like a collage of people writing as opposed to just John. I am at Lazeraus being raised from the dead, folks talking about it and deciding, Hmmm...this guy is raising people from the dead, we should kill him. (My thoughts are yeah, brilliance, since he can do this for others, what makes you think if you kill him he wouldn't have the same occurance for himself? Isn't raising someone else from the dead a sure sign of ability in the immortality area of things?)

I have yet to figure out why they would crucify Christ (in John or any other gospel). Here is this guy going around healing people and loving people. All I can think is that it just had to happen so the irrationals took over the rationals. No sense. Jealousy. Intolerance. Control (or loss of it). Playing God without being God. I do that. I do all of that. Heaven forbid you tell me that I am not in control. I am better than I used to be though. It is as though the gospels pit this man of the divine against the men of humanity. The war of character defects and perfection. One of my tapes from a long time ago that I couldn't get enough of a couple of years ago and couldn't lay my hands on now if I had to, talked about the only truth is love and that everything else is an illusion. That is what seems to be happening in the gospel. Christ is shining and the rest falls away as illusions. That happens to me too. No matter what the illusions (or sometimes dellusions) fall away and there is nothing left but truth invitably love.

I also like that I read the shortest verse in the Bible. Interestingly, it has tremendous impact within the story. Other places talk about Christ becoming mad at the collectors or what not, or that he loves his disciples, but there is something to the fact that he was so moved that it brought him to tears. I don't know that I can understand what makes a diety mad or why he would do anything other than love those who are close to him or everyone for that matter because God is love. But to weep. Sadness. That is just different.

I only talk about what I am reading because the confusion that occurs in my readings so relate to my life. I just don't understand why my life is being written the way it is. I don't understand how others can be irrational in a time of rationality. I see the pits of character defects fighting the assests within and in others. I get that love is within me, that I am capable of, that others are able. I get that God is here whether I can see, feel, believe or not. How is it that something that was written long before any of us are able to grasp it is so old, carries forth into my life? Does humanity repeat its self? Has humanity remained that stagnate that not an ounce of growth has occured since the writing? Or is it that we are on the long journey to the middle? Jung proposes that we are all of one consciousness. If this theory is true then God is our dream and we are His. Interlocking consciousnesses. Is that why God is so tangible no matter how much we (as a society) deny it?

Gotta love a good reading. Makes me want to go back to school.

Gracie's Good

I went to honors day today at North Hab Sixth Grade Academy. This is half of the sixth grade. Grace, my jr bridesmaid was supposed to get an award, so I headed over smartly to applaud loudly.

She didn't just win one award, she won every award:

Highest average in Jr. Honors Math,
Highest average in Jr. Honors Language Arts,
Highest average in Jr. HonorsReading,
Highest average tied in Social Studies, (tied with a boy who goes to our church)
Pricipal's List for four quarters
Chamber of Commerce Award (highest average of the year of all students)
Young Georgia Author Runner Up

WOOHOO!!! Go Grace!!

Mind rattling

Date: October 21

flowers...bouquets.....4, boutineiers...4, petals...........several, church markers yeah I those are nice, pew markers...mmm...no window markers....no guest tables, hmm, do I need to rent those, no they are inhouse, okay how many? ten? maybe more. I can give those as gifts to those who I am supposed to give gifts.

girlfriends, wedding dresses-need one--right that is tomorrow.

guest list.........oh my...........250 so far.......Mom is going to stroke.

showers? Oh Yeah....gotta love the gifts, oh wait, we have to register.

invitations, gotta get those.

photographer....gone through five so far.

more caterers? okay

oh wait, i need a bouquet for a jr bridesmaid.

maid of honor....oh, good, already have one of those.

groomsmen...easy, warn bridesmaids

do I want to dance, jsk doesn't want to dance, do we have to dance, i really like the jack johnson stuff....I can convince him

okay, lunch with the girls tomorrow...just the dress...THE dress...no pressure on THAT one...

cousins, cousins, ...more cousins? jsk family....oh this is getting ugly

what do you mean you need to know what color my mother is wearing?

what ever happened to me, john & God. I thought that was all this was?

wonder if I am going to make it? am I busy that day? YES. I am.

Ironing...

I AM DOMESTIC.

It is official. Not that every person I know hasn't told me all my life, "Oh Rae you are so good with kids. You are going to make a great Mom." "Oh, Rae you were born to be a wife with a truckload of children." Yes, yes, I know.

Give me a chevrolet Suburbun I say.

Here, here, they say.

Give me a laundry room! I say.

Here, Here, they say.

Give me soccer games and dance recitals. Give me violin lessons and trumpet lessons. Give me choral concerts and academic bowls. Give me church mission trips and carwashes to support. Give me the corporate parties and babysitters.

Give me DOMESTICATION.

(Roar from crowd)

I can do it. I can raise great children. I can raise a great family. I can be everything I think I can as a wife and a mother and a best friend. I can be intelligent and opinionated. I can be a taxi cab driver for here to there with ten kids and listen to good music or the news at the same time. I can do it. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Hold a full time job. Have kids. Have a husband. I too can be the wonderwoman of the new millennium!

Here! Here! Hurrah!!!!! (Crowd noise and great applause by women in the audience with their 1950's aprons and rolling pins over their corporate suits , heels and diamond rings!)

Yeah, I ironed my first shirt of his last night and did a great job. Never done that before (ironing not great job), didn't know it was going to do all this to me. Guess I am in for it now. Little Miss Homemaker. Who would guess? Not me. But always me. Meg says that every girl waits for her wedding day. I thought she was full of it. I can remember girls in college picking out everything for their weddings. I never bought a single magazine. I still don't know all the details (but have bought magazines). But Meg is right, which is why she is my hero. I now understand why every girl looks forward to the wedding day. It is a wonderful sensation.

Heat

Ever have those moments of seething jealousy? I do. Like crazy. They reach up through my throat and seize my thoughts and whisper of sheer lies. My thoughts provoke an emotion that almost makes me cry. Instead I become angry because I don't want to cry I want to destroy that envious delusion. The anger hits me like a heat wave. I hear about women's hot flashes and that it what I imagine they must be like. Anger. Jealousy makes me say crazy things and makes me do crazy things. I say things that are vicious and inappropriate. I make things up that aren't true. Usually the jealousy is all stemmed from a false reality anyway so the things just foster the falsehood.

I hate jealousy. It disrupts my era of peace and harmony. It is something that rubs against my insides when I am least expecting it and can blow my fears out of proportions. Why doesn't it go away? Once I have identified the fear? GO AWAY.

All it takes are key pieces of information. BOOM. Anger. Jealousy. Pain.
God heal this where I am wounded.

I was able to take opposite action on an area of jealousy the other day. That felt good. I could talk to the person with no remorse. No misspeaking or judgement. I was okay in their prescence. I didn't want what they had. It became clear, they wanted what I had. Or maybe not. Maybe that was my ego. But it made it easier. I wasn't jealous. Opposite Action. It was hard. It will be hard again. Hopefully with a lot less. Pain.

Sometimes there is just nothing that compares to a good cup of coffee. It has to be the right mixture of bitterness and sweetness. It has to be the right temperature so as not to burn you but still be hot. It has to be combined with the right amount of tired to make it effective. Coffee is good.

Bought gas today at $2.66 a gallon. Racetrac. Cornelia. Everywhere else is $2.81 and up. Not the Racetrac. They buy blackmarket stuff. Yeah, I am making that up. But it is the only explanation for being twenty cents cheaper than its competitors.

John & I found a dream house. I use the word dream specifically. It has two bedrooms upstairs. A master on the main. An in-law suite downstairs and laundry downstairs. It is on three acres that backs up to national forest. It includes a barn and a studio and a good size dog run. The living room is a touret with electric skylights. It has a beautiful kitchen and den. It is a design commissioned by one of Frank Lloyd Wrights students so it is wicked cool. Beautiful. Dream house. It reminds me of Barbie's dream house except my Ken is better looking. I am not going to tell you how much it would cost...thus the notion of dream.

Going to see the magnificent Singers tonight. Grace wants to be a magnificent Singer one day so I am taking her with me. She is my junior brides maid. She is brillant too. Her classmates made fun of her when she made a 98 on a test. It is because they don't have anything better to tease her about! Brilliant I say. Brilliant.

Who will buy?

Sometimes there is just no way to ask for life the way it comes. There is a song in the musical Oliver about being tied up with a bow. That is how I felt about Friday's concert. It was life with a big bow. I told God to take care of the weather and the rest was set. It never rained. It rained in every other city in the county except in ours. The concert was a smash. It was loud, it was proud it was had a crowd. It was awesome. I spent too much money, but it was worth it. I will have to cut corners on the other concerts. I also seemed to think that I would be able to get up the next day, however, that wasn't as true as it was when I was in college. I used to go to the football game, the band party and go to sleep that night and be fine the next day. Yeah, I thought I was going to die on Saturday. There was no way to overcome my pain. My feet hurt. My head hurt. My legs hurt. My back hurt. I felt like I had been in a fight. Sunday was a little better. Monday, I was still hating life, but the soreness was gone. This morning. This morning I woke to find that the sun was actually not shining and that it had rained everyday since the concert. I have vincas that are sprouting and are tickled that I planted them. They are just sprouts and seeds right now, but hopefully they will be full blown flowers when it is all said and done. The reason I mention them is because this morning is the first morning that I have been able to notice them. I have been hung over until now. I don't think I would mind the hang over if I had had a drink, but seeing as there was no drinking involved, I am rather surprised at how devestating the event was to my body and my emotional state. I guess somewhere in my mind I am nowhere close to being thirty, but in reality it is less than six months away.

That was an amazing concert.

I have a great job.

God is a great coordinator.

Ah, grasshopper....

I am in my new zen master costume today. My girlfriend likes to throw out really nice clothes and I am on the list for first picks prior to goodwill. So today I am in an all Liz Claiborne, white, linen outfit. I look like I should either a) be on a beach somewhere with a shell necklace and sand between my toes or b) be in India with Indiana Jones on an archaeological dig. Either way...no shoes. But instead I sit in my office with brown sandles that make me tall and the ladies find me expensive with no knowledge that I am a goodwill candidate or that I am a fan of INNNNNDDDDEEEEEE.

Today is a big day here at work. The governor is in town for a minute which is great because he draws all kinds of good people such as the klan who are staked out right now up the street with rebel flags. He is also bringing 200 other folks who as a result have caused a sudden upsurge of maintenance to a particular historic relic owned by the city. Strangely, the folks who worked until 1 AM last night are not invited nor are allowed anywhere near the building. I was asked if I was going and it has already been made clear to me that I am left off the list. I am grateful though because I am able to fit in with the rest of the city workers and be a worker amongst workers as a result, instead of being one of the high and mighties. The other nice part of that is that there is no pressure either. I have enough riding on my shoulders this week. God help me get sleep soon because again last night, I didn't sleep. I am more nervous about my first event (on Friday) than anything in a while. I am hoping it will work. It would be nice to have a slam dunk to start my career. I told God to take care of things for me. I am sure He will. Luckily, my behavior seems to be in check. No one is screaming about toe stepping. That is a good sign. I am going tonight after work to buy a cowboy hat and boots for no other reason than I have always wanted a set and now have a really good excuse to wear them. I will totally be line dancing if it starts in case you are curious.

Oh, hungry for lunch and then ... my nerves are shot.

Ouch

Sometimes weekends are great and then other times they just don't quite do it for me. This weekend was a pretty great weekend up until I had to go to sleep last night. My head shifted into work gear and I couldn't sleep worth anything. Not to mention my hand. I don't know what I have done, but it HURTS. I am going to the doctor tomorrow.

I am nervous, nervous, nervous....At this point though, I am of no consequence. There is nothing left to cover or order or try to get together. There is nothing left to create or call or place ads with. It is done. I have spent about $10,000 and hopefully it will go with or without me. Can you imagine spending $10K? And I don't even get a car or a house or anything tangible. I only get an event. Crazy. Expensive.

I wrote my first speech ever. I watched West Wing all day yesterday for preparation because Toby & Sam are my heroes. Not to mention the real writer, Aaron Sorikin. Mastermind. Yeah, my speech is less than two minutes and is for the mayor to the governor so it is not substantial, but effective. I don't even get to go because I wasn't invited. Bltp. But I was thinking and thinking and thinking and worried about nothing. Of course.

I got right to the edge of my weekend. It was good, great even. I cleaned out my closet (which I haven't done in almost ten years). I cleaned out my car (a month). I paid my bills. I helped friends, hung out with friends. I slept in for the first time in over a month. I went to church. I ate breakfast with my future son-in-laws (one of which has no suit to wear to the wedding because his last one was when he was six feet and he is now six six! omg). I was totally rested, ready for the world, but no. My head gave way. The wheels started early. I am exhausted all over again and my hand hurts. No I don't know why my hand hurts.