Don't surround yourself with yourself,
Move on back two squares,
Send an instant comment to me,
Initial it with loving care
Don't surround
Yourself.

I was on my way to Thanksgiving dinner today and listening to my badly copied version of the "almost famous" soundtrack when I realized that when left to my own devices I will surround myself with myself, which only leads me to extreme selfishness and self centeredness. Listening to the song it sounded like it was telling me to go back and be with my family. Maybe it was just the day, I don't know. Or maybe it was the fact that I was so excited about going to see my Mom and Dad. Today I have lots of families, but there is my blood and it has the most significant place in my heart. I hadn't seen them in what feels like forever and I desperately missed them. John was so kind. He was actually glad to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. That means so much to me because my family means so much to me. I love it when everyone under the sun shows up for holiday dinners and even though none of us really know each other because we are far apart through physical distance or familial distance or maybe just age, whatever the reason, it is still good to see that person and have that sense of belonging. Some times it has been said that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. This seems so unbelievable to me because I know so many people whose family have totally rejected them due to behavior or choices made or any number of things. My family never turns me out. They never have rejected no matter how badly I have behaved or what choices I make. Based on that unconditional acceptance is what I base my logic for God, if there is such a thing. I believe that God does the same thing. I have heard it said that there is only one way to get to God and that is the fundamental belief that God will reject and accept based on that one path. I have made so many mistakes. I have made so many wrong decisions. How is it that an infinite God can have a finite path and a finite family have an infinite number of paths? I don't really. . . What I know is that today, I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that I don't have to surround myself with myself only to head to that place of separation in turn selfishness and fear, but that I have a place amongst many who want me, love me and are unconditional about me thus giving me the hope, faith and ability to give to others. I am still learning about having the ability to be unconditional, but I am grateful that I have a family who can teach me through the example in which they set. I am grateful to sit with them for the next four days and revel in their love and let the minister to my soul. I am grateful that my Dad had his birthday today, rather yesterday. I am grateful that my Mom and he are still married. I am grateful that my Mom is my Mom. I am so glad to be home.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Oh my, there is nothing like a little gratitude for my life to make me cry. I went last night to the place where I began. I went to the blue house. It was turkey dinner with Tom and Elaine Hickey. People came in and braved the storm from everywhere. It was nice. We had turkey and ham. There was green beans and sweet and mashed potatoes. Then afterwards we all sat around and introduced ourselves and said what we are grateful for today. I said that I was grateful that Megan had Iris and that we had repaired our relationship enough that she would entrust me with her daughter. I said I was grateful for high class problems and I was grateful to have the opportunities to practice the principals in all my affairs. I came out of there with an outpouring in my heart because it was so full of love. I knew that I loved those people in that room and I knew that they loved me too. It is not about who they are or what they have done. It is about a connection that occurs when something as powerful as the recovery of a tragedy affects people. We have each had our own tragedy that is unique to each and yet we all have the same recovery of it and that is what brings us together and binds us in times like these. There were several who were missing, some were drinking, some were drugging, some in jails and prisons, some in institutions and some were dead….like Jeff. They were noted and greatly missed. Those who were not there are the greatest teachers. They teach me what to do in order to not get things in life. Their message is powerful and clear: It could be me. For whatever reason, I have not found it necessary to return to the life I was snatched out of four and a half years ago. Some people say it is grace, or mercy. Some people say that it is wit and intelligence. Some say it has to do with the way that I was raised as to why I didn’t stay drunk. I say it is God. I don’t use that as a reason, rather a fact. Why God chose me, I don’t know. I just know that he did. That is what I am grateful for today.

A Pizza Hut, A Pizza Hut,
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut

So today I thought I would splurge and eat something absolutely awful and headed to McDonald’s. The other reason is that I needed desperately to get away from the office and Mcky D’s is fifteen minutes out. I went there thinking that I would get a number two with a large sweet tea (cheese burgers are just my favorite indulgent item next to chocolate klondikes) only to find that I had forgotten about the change. McDonald’s has caught quite a bit of flack for being centers of obesity, when in reality it is about the people who are eating there. Point is that they are desperately trying new things; so much so that the McDonald’s in Cornelia is a pilot McDonald’s. Cornelia was specially picked and totally remodeled. The inside of it has sit down tables with linens and a wait staff. There are the best tables in the house that surround a fire place to give the perception that you are in a fancy restaurant. You can order steak and potatoes if you wish. There are luxuriant salads and any nature of fancy dishes. The drive through has been up graded to a double drive through to handle the traffic and there isn’t a parking spot in the entire lot. I just wanted a cheeseburger. Strangely enough, that is not what I ended up eating. There is a new line of food for their drive through customers: paninis. They are using a panini grill to make sandwiches and burritos (yes, burritos). I had a chicken panini with hot sauce for lunch with a garnish of parsley and an orange and of course French fries (no point in going to McDonald’s other wise). It was soooooo good. It also cost me seven bucks! I have never ordered seven dollars worth of food from there! McDonald’s is sure moving up in the world. It is the place to be for the working man to get a good meal. It will definitely give the other fast foods a run for their money. Even Chick-Fil-A would have a struggle against this pilot. And that is saying a lot, because I am a die hard Chick-Fil-A fan. Go Mcky D’s!

Oh my darlin’
Oh my darlin’
Oh my darlin’ Clementine!!

Whenever singing the above lyrics please add extreme southern accent and air banjo. There is a guy at work who I have seen around town, who is known by the wait staff as the whistler. He is tall and lanky and has bright red hair. He looks to be in his early fifties and has a beard and mustache. He is our dishwasher. He churns better than the other two who do the job, but he doesn’t really say two bits to anyone except the owner. The only thing I can figure is that at work he must be dry. Mostly in Helen, he is known as a “town drunk.” There are quite a few in Helen. Both he and his wife are known for their antics. It is quite entertaining. Anyway, he whistles the entire time he is at work. He isn’t repetitive either. It is like a cd player stuck on Steven Foster and old American hymns. It is funny because I know all of the songs he whistles and the wait staff mostly just roles their eyes. He doesn’t really exist with out his whistle though. I think that if he stopped whistling, I’d never know he was there.

Last night at work they trained me on the register for host. The girl who was supposed to train me ended up almost going to the hospital because of her nose bleeds: yes more than one. I love the restaurant industry, it has great drama. I was trained by an owner who was awesome. She has such a laid back persona. It was an easy enough task. Once she showed me how the thing worked and realized that I was good to go, she went on about her merry way, which is good because I got good practice. I wait tonight and tomorrow night. I figure these are good nights because it means that I will make more than just a couple of bucks. I wonder too if I get one of those miniature pay checks that come with waiting tables. I have gotten checks from a restaurant before for zero dollars, but they have to print them because they take taxes out on us.

We are having our “birthday dinner/thanksgiving dinner” today here at work. It is crazy. There are two people having birthdays and then we have a turkey and are drawing names for secret Santa to boot. We are supposed to spend only ten dollars on our Secret Santa’s gift, but that is impossible these days unless you get them a candle or socks. What’s the point? When I give, I give big. I hope I can give to someone I know. We have hired so many new people that I don’t have the slightest idea who some folks are. Some one asked me if I would make the dressing for the turkey…yeah, right. I can’t cook! I looked at them and asked them what dressing was. The surprise reaction on their face was totally worth it.

We also had pictures made today. They took mug shots on a digital camera to put on the front of our Christmas cards to mail out to all the doctors we serve. Our heads are to be ornaments on a Christmas tree. Can you imagine: fifty mug shots on the Christmas tree going to Emory doctors? What a joke. Those doctors will laugh their hind ends off. At least the shots will be so small no one can tell who they really are. Oh, I really hope that there are some serious possibilities at my interview on Monday. CBS. I have an interview with CBS. That is so cool.

I said, are you gonna be my girl?

Hurray!! I have a job interview!! It is for Monday at four thirty and Zanzo’s is letting me off to go and interview! It is for a traffic coordinator who will perform multiple clerical duties including advertising orders in daily broadcast logs (what ever that means). All I saw was that it was something that I had experience in but was completely different than anything I had ever done. The station is WNEG-TV out of Toccoa, which now that I live in Clarkesville, is only about fifteen minutes from me. It is the first bite that I have had and while I am grateful for the interview, I am not worried about the pressure to take a job because I don’t necessarily need one, but if the price is right might take one. They say when job hunting out of college that the job seeker should interview the employer just as much as they do you. I have never had that opportunity because I have always been so desperate and in a crunch. Now, I do. I can say, “Do you offer benefits?” and “No, I won’t wait ninety days”. I can say I “my salary requirements are” instead of “I’ll take what ever you’re offering.” It is dreamy and almost makes this job worth working at to know that I am worth other jobs. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not trapped. Sometimes I feel trapped. Even if I decided not to take the job (See that, my thinking is changing), at least I know and can ward off that feeling of being trapped. I already have my resume on fancy paper and everything! I am so prepped and ready to take on the wide world of interviewing! Hurray!

I listen to my words
but they fall far below
I let my music take me
where my heart wants to go

I love Iris. She took one step last night all by herself. I couldn’t believe it. Both myself and my friend that was there with Megan and I howled with delight. Iris was so shocked. She looked at us with skewed eyebrows and mouth drawn and then sat down and crawled. I think we scared her. I baby sat her at Megan’s new apartment. It is so nice. It was an easier transition on Iris too. She didn’t cry a tear. Her dad was there not long after so I was done early last night which was good. I got into bed on time last night as opposed to Iris time.

I get to wait tables tonight. I am grateful for that job. If nothing else, Christmas will be great this year.

I have let my nursery job know that I won’t be working the nursery anymore so my last Sunday is this Sunday. I am excited about being able to go to Christmas services at the Episcopal Church. I really like the people there and most importantly the priest. She always has the best sermons. I don’t understand all the rituals they do, but I don’t have to understand. Their choir is not great, but that is not really why I like it. I really like the Sunday school and the priest. There are no good choirs up here. The big Baptist church claims a good choir, but I know better. It is hard to have a good choir with out a minister of music and using tapes. Bleck! The nice thing about Smoke Rise was that Christmas was such a big deal. It made advent so special. I don’t know that there is another church out there like it.

Satellite, headlines read
Someone's secrets you've seen
Eyes and ears have been

Normally I would try to explain myself, but I am not going to today. I have taken up a new job (on top of my old one) of waiting tables at the Italian restaurant (yes, there is only one in three counties) that just happens to be across the street from my apartment. It is a lovely establishment. It has a tuscan feel to it through both the ambience of place and the food. The owners are unfortunately unsurprising. It is a husband/wife team and he is the chef and she cooks the books. Neither of them have waited before and it is evident through the way the floor plan is laid out. It is hard work waiting tables. My feet hurt and I am tired. My hand strength is not up to par so I can't carry nearly as much as three years ago when I worked at the Grill. I have already plastered a spinach dip on the back wall near the bread station (first shift too!) and have forgotten to put a table's order. Even though all of this is typical and nothing new about the job, the thing that I like, the thing that I really like the most is that waiting tables is it is comfortable. I fit into it like a hand in glove. The owners love me and think that I am the best waitress they have ever seen. I don't walk into the kitchen or out of the kitchen without something in my hands. I am forever clearing and serving, as the job constitutes. I cut bread to prep for a rush. I help other servers and the kitchen. Best of all, I don't have to think. The owner barks just like every other owner I know. His wife fusses just like every partner I have ever known. They both magically jump ship and disappear at critical times. There is nothing to expect, there is nothing to not expect. The money is not as good as what I made in Atlanta, but I have not had nearly as many tables in one night as I have had in Atlanta. I am so far making about fifty bucks a night, which is about ten dollars a table. That means overall I am making about fourteen to fifteen an hour, depending on how long I stay and help close up. The life is consistent and unharmed. It is as though, even though it is in a different restaurant, nothing has changed. It is a constant chaos that I have lived in for so long. It feels like home.

Brinkley is my dog. He likes to eat bits of pieces of bagels and pizza off the sidewalk while I’d rather buy them. Brinkley is a great catcher! He was once offered a try out on the Mets farm team, but decided to live with me where he sleeps all day on a big green pillow the size of an inner-tube.


Yesterday was exciting and refreshing. I baby-sat Iris yesterday as usual. I tried to do something different so that she wouldn’t wig out on me. It was probably the simplest task I could think of for me and was increasingly difficult to include Iris. I went to the grocery store. What an event! I needed some odds and ends and Iris needed some soy milk (she is lactose intolerant). So we went together. Her mom was late for work so I met her across the street at the restaurant and stole her car and she went to work. Meg was all shot out and baffled because her life is in transition due to moving. (Hurray Meg will be close to me again!) She was frustrated and confused because half of her stuff was in Sautee and the other half in Demorest. Her car was half full of boxes and the other half of baby stuff. Anyway, first things first, Iris and I cleaned out the car. Then off to the supermarket. Well the market. Getting Iris into the market was not as easy as I thought. Shopping was easy enough though. I got her a bag of chips right off and she crunched them in one hand and had the keys in the other. She was tickled to be grocery shopping. Once we were done, we had a nice young gentleman carry our groceries out to the car, which made it super easy to get Iris back into her seat. Then back off to the apartment. This is where it got really hard. Remember how I told you I have started going to the gym again? Well I worked out legs and abs first on Monday, ouch. Then yesterday was back and abs, oof. By eight o’clock last night I was sore, but that didn’t make any difference: I still had to get both Iris and grocery bags up to the apartment. I took two loads of groceries and that baby up and down two flights of stairs. Oh, my, gosh…..THEN! I had to put them all away and Iris was not having being on the floor playing with toys, she wanted to be a part of the action on the counter tops. To compensate, I opened the fridge door to let her play in there. She was much happier. Then, I could see it in her eyes….sleepy time. She fought it too. I put on Harry Potter I, which I rented and I think between John Williams and a bottle of Soy milk, zonk, she was out like a light. Hurray! Normally she naps out at about seven o’clock until about eight thirty, but not getting that nap until eight thirty, she slept until Megan got back. She sleeps on my big green comforter that my folks got me with a whole set as my sixteenth birthday gift (along with painting my room and new pillows and …). She loves it because it is so soft. So do I.

While I was hauling Iris up and down the stairs with the groceries, I kept thinking that there was a lesson in all of this. I finally decided that this was God’s way of saying that I could raise a child if I wanted to or if I had to raise a child. I don’t know if that was the message or not though. I can’t figure out how Megan does the little things like taking a shower or eating. I was exhausted by the time Iris went down and bets are that she didn’t sleep through the night. Maybe she did. I was really grateful to not have to make the decision on having an Iris of my own last night. At least though, if I had an Iris, I know I could.

Ready, ready, ready
Ready to run,
All I wanna do is have some fuuuunn….

So yesterday I made the smartest move of all time to save my interaction from the office, I labeled water in the basement. See, folks in the office are upset because I won’t give them any more gossip material about my life, in other words, I won’t talk to them about my personal life. So last week I was “confronted” in a grand nature of drama that comes with southern women and told that I was to shape up. Yesterday, once again, I was able to keep my self to myself, except this time I was nice about it. I haven’t been being very nice about it. Yesterday, I was nice. I removed myself altogether. I went to the basement (which is where they are moving my department anyway) and labeled water (it is a marketing thing). It was refreshing to be away from all the overwhelming racket of the folks upstairs that I am normally surrounded. I did eat lunch with them (them is the snoops and gossips) and manage to survive. I did it to try and create some kind of penance, mostly it just made me uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. Where to? Anywhere but there.

There was a good thing about yesterday. I went to the gym. Oh how rewarding! I haven’t been to the gym in almost six months and all of my clothes are snug to the nth degree and I am constantly uncomfortable because of this. The gym that I was going to went out of business on account that one of the partners ran off with 90K of the money. He was arrested because he didn’t leave the county. Duh. Brilliant thieves. But the folks, who came in to reopen it, opened it too expensive for my blood. So I haven’t worked out in a while. Then John, being the work out fiend that he is, sought out a new place as his old membership was running out. He found the place across the street from my apartment. It is a nice little gym. I signed on as his spouse for a discounted rate. Yeah, that freaked me out. But, at least I can afford it. I went yesterday for the first time and it was wonderful. I forgot how much I loved it. I felt like I could stay there all day doing cardio and crunching and weights and lunges. I feel better today too. I am a little sore around the edges, but mostly I just want to go back and get on the elliptical for another hour. My spirits were up and my body felt good. I walked over there and walked back. I took a shower in my shower and didn’t have to rush off anywhere. It was so convenient and so relaxing. They also have a sauna in the women’s locker room. I can’t wait to use it. It feels like a real gym too. There are old and new machines with local folks everywhere. There is a racquetball court and a free weight room. It is built into an old building so it is on three levels. It is very well structured. It feels like a city gym. Oh how much I miss the city and how grateful I am to live in a miniature city right now.

And I thank the Lord for the people I have found,
I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

While Mona Lisas and mad hatters,
sons of bankers, sons of lawyers,
turn around and say, "good morning" to the night.
For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why,
they know not if it's dark outside or light.


After a long weekend of fun, I am returned to work surprisingly refreshed. I had a lot on my plate this weekend and was emotional to boot. I went to a wedding reception on Saturday, for which the bride and groom had been married for months. That was weird. It felt as though it was lacking. The bride was beautiful and the groom handsome and sweet. But I guess part of the magic of the celebration comes from the adjoining in the presence of God and they didn’t do that. They went to the courthouse two months ago and then decided they wanted a reception too. I stayed as long as I could and decided it was time for me to go. From there I went and typed up minutes for the district. I got to talk to my Mom for a while too which always makes me feel better. Saturday night I went down to Buford to here a friend of mine speak. She did well and I was glad that I went. It turns out she is a “pk” like me and so I could identify to what she had to say. She was more adventurous than I ever was, but the emotions were very similar. Sunday felt more hectic than it actually was. I did the nursery at the Church which was easy this week because they were doing catechisms. I don’t know what that means other than that we ended up with no kids most of the time. There was a point when a couple adults came into the room where the temporary nursery is (it doubles as a library while they are remodeling the other building) and was able to talk with them for a while about the different dogmas. They both made well informed decisions in choosing the church. I have always been attracted to that particular church even though it is Episcopalian. The congregation is a good cross section of people; on the more positive side, most of those I have met are educated either through life or schooling. It is nice to be with people who think like me and have similar backgrounds. I almost want to bail out on the nursery so I can attend Sunday school and big Church; however, the nursery is my Christmas fast cash. The kids are pretty easy to take care of because mostly they are all well parented. Then from there I went back to the apartment and regrouped. I left for district which was in Dahlonega. It is a long drive to get there, but this time of year it is quite beautiful. The leaves are almost gone but the mountains still maintain the quality of richness with or with out God’s paint. I hadn’t been to Dahlonega in over six months and I had forgotten about how much I loved that area. From there I went to Sautee for Iris’s first birthday party. How much fun is it to see a little girl open gifts? Everyone put the gifts in bags which is her favorite thing to do (take things out of bags is her thing) so although she didn’t notice the gifts, she totally enjoyed herself. Some of the gifts were practical (diapers, clothes, baby shampoo, etc). Others were great fun and ridiculous perfect for the girl. It was a nice ending to a fast paced day. I went from there to regroup and took shelter for the evening. I went to the meeting in Clarkesville and headed for quiet time in the apartment with candles and my book. It was good closure for the day. I slept so hard last night that I almost didn’t make it this morning when the alarm went off. I have had a hard time wanting to come to work lately and am not happy with the people I work with or the job in general. It gets worse on a daily basis. I am trying to do my best though and that is all that is required of me. I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. It will be five days off which will be perfect vacation time at home with the folks. It is like getting my batteries recharged when I go home and I haven’t done it in a long time. Hopefully this week will be more….less intense than last week. Hopefully, things will trot along in stride like they are supposed too.

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night

Monday, I took the night off. I went to the movie store to rent movies and there was nothing, so I rented a bad foreign film flick, a new stupid funny movie called dorm daze (good rentable, but heavy on the sex jokes) and thought of Carter while I was there and just had to rent Varsity Blues to remind myself how bad it was. I would have to say the good thing about VB is that it has some great images even if the plot line sore. I did have a hard time with Dawson’s hair being the wrong color. My suggestion for football movies though are Friday Night Lights and Rudy. Both are well worth the dough.

Today is a sad/happy day. There is no new president (sad). Iris is one, yesterday (happy). I gave her a stack of stuff after babysitting last night. Megan figured out a trick to make her less of a cry baby: put her in the car first thing. So I picked Iris up from Meg’s new apartment (yes Meg is moving to Demorest! Hurray!!)and put Iris in the car and the only time she cried was just before she fell asleep as most babies do. It was a good evening. Yeah Iris! She is STILL not walking. She is crawling like a maniac, but she is just not interested in the whole walking thing yet. Mom said that I walked before I crawled! Ha, how’s that for you. She said that Mr. Gray put me on the stage at Centerville and ask me to walk over to him and I did (I have always been a bit of an achiever: bit is the key word, the rest went to Carter!). Hopefully, Iris will be walking in the next month or two. She is also teething like crazy. She was crazy about ice last night. Crazy. I have come to find that I really like baby sitting Iris, but I couldn’t imagine her full time. Oof. Go Megan. I am really grateful to be the babysitter today.

H, A, double L-O, double U, double E-N, spells Halloween……

Well, it seems as though I thought I posted that Milton had died. Maybe not, however it is okay because Jeffy died too. Milton died sober, Jeffy overdosed. Two funerals in one day. Ruff. It has been weird in my world ever since.

On a lighter note… Because there are no neighborhoods (only farms) in Habersham County, the kids go out onto the town squares…..all three thousand of them not including parents were on the Clarkesville Square Saturday evening. Three thousand little goblins….I am glad that they couldn’t find my door because I didn’t have that much candy. The businesses all set up booths and there was face painting and candy and treats galore. There was popcorn and hotdogs and bobbing for apples and all kinds of fun and games. I had a double dinner date with John and another couple in Demorest and sat in the midst of the goblins totally mystified by the excitement for over twenty minutes of traffic just to get out of traffic. Amazing. It is probably the most exciting Halloween ever next to the time I won third place and a pound of M&M’s in third grade for my costume.

Sunday was nice. There were no stressors or obligations. I bought Rocky when I went to get Halloween candy the day before and watched it. It is still a good movie, although I never realized that Sly wrote the movie; that was cool to learn. Then I cleaned while Romeo & Juliet played in the background. I vacuumed and scrubbed my tub and had great fun. Then I rested in sloppy clothes out on my white wicker furniture and began reading “The Once and Future King.” It is a really good novel. I read that until the meeting. Once the sun went down, I lit candles for ambience even though the emergency lights came on. It was nice. I had music playing focusing the speaker out the window, which just added to the moment. I like moments that are so well created.