7-11
okay....so i am listening to the "Christian" radio station here at work because there are only two stations that can be picked up inside the building and I am tired of listening to country. Country doesn't bother me and I am kind of partial to it, however when the DJ goes on break and the tape loops so that I am listening to the same half hour, that just ain't cuttin' it.
Anyway.....this radio station must be sponsored by a Christian fellowship and the Republican National Party. I was hoping to hear some good ole fashioned 7-11 music, when instead I got to listen to the political rhetoric of some guy who is upset because a judge in California says that the pledge is unconstitutional. There is always a judge in California saying the pledge is unconstitutional. There is not a day that goes by when the pledge is not an issue. IT IS POLITICS NOT CHRISTIANITY. By the standards set in the constitution not only is the pledge unconstitutional, so is the currency and anything that mentions God. Ah ha! says the wise man. What if One Nation Under God is not just the Christian God, but a representation of the religious freedoms upon which everyone is able to have in this country? Then does it say One Nation Under god. Who gives this word the authority to be any specified God? It doesn't say one nation under the Christian God who is a part of the Holy Trinity, Father of man and Christ, etc. It says One Nation Under God, Indivisible, ....etc. Duh? Although I also understand that the pledge was edited in the 1950's and it probably means GOD GOD not god. I am just feeling very debatable today. I could take either side of any argument and just talk and talk. Mom says that I started walking and talking at nine months and they haven't gotten me to shut up since. I like a good debate every now and then. It sparks my mind and keeps me educated. If I can't argue about something it means that I am ignorant. I am not about being ignorant. Anyway, since no one was around to argue with, I argued with the radio. The women at work think I am nuts, which is good because I am. Sometimes, you just gotta be a little crazy. Yeah.
Thursday, July 31, 2003
if you sing it, they will listen.......
So I got an interesting email yesterday saying that there is a demand for a second showing of Godspell. The email was mostly for the official head count to see who can and who can't do it. Hopefully, everyone will be able. I love the musical. I love any musical. There is something that happens when you work that hard on something for an extended period of time with a group of people. It is like the mission trips I went on in high school. We put a lot of effort into learning a new piece for Ed or Jerry, or learning to become a clown or puppeteer. When all was said and done, there was a bond, a shared love for something and it was unbreakable until someone said. . . .goodbye. Then things fell to the wayside and it became a memory almost instantly. When I was a teenager, inevitably someone would cry at the last night or day. And although I was a snob then and think they were being ridiculous, mostly it was because I didn't know how to say goodbye myself. In all reality I wanted to cry too. Now that I am an "adult," I still want to cry sometimes when something ends that has that type of tie to it. When I was in highschool though, my best friend and I would call each other and talk for hours on the phone about each other's experience on the trip. Our Moms thought we were crazy because they thought we had just spent the trip together, but the youth group was so large that we always planned on having a trip together and went two different directions so we had to catch up. Sometimes, we'd just go spend the night the Saturday after the trip. It was just us. We are totally opposite and get along great, even when we fight. She is out in the dessert studying rocks right now. There isn't anyone around here like that yet. I am sure twenty years from now, I will find that not to be so true though.
That was what my meditation this morning was about. This too shall pass. Everything from musicals to bestfriends to leaving and starting anew. It all passes. The two great constants in the world are time and change, which is why it is so important for me to value the moment. Sometimes there is a moment for nostalgia too. You know, I miss Lea Anne. I miss the Quilters. I miss being sixteen, but it sure would be great to sing and dance again for GODSPELL. This feeling too shall pass.
So I got an interesting email yesterday saying that there is a demand for a second showing of Godspell. The email was mostly for the official head count to see who can and who can't do it. Hopefully, everyone will be able. I love the musical. I love any musical. There is something that happens when you work that hard on something for an extended period of time with a group of people. It is like the mission trips I went on in high school. We put a lot of effort into learning a new piece for Ed or Jerry, or learning to become a clown or puppeteer. When all was said and done, there was a bond, a shared love for something and it was unbreakable until someone said. . . .goodbye. Then things fell to the wayside and it became a memory almost instantly. When I was a teenager, inevitably someone would cry at the last night or day. And although I was a snob then and think they were being ridiculous, mostly it was because I didn't know how to say goodbye myself. In all reality I wanted to cry too. Now that I am an "adult," I still want to cry sometimes when something ends that has that type of tie to it. When I was in highschool though, my best friend and I would call each other and talk for hours on the phone about each other's experience on the trip. Our Moms thought we were crazy because they thought we had just spent the trip together, but the youth group was so large that we always planned on having a trip together and went two different directions so we had to catch up. Sometimes, we'd just go spend the night the Saturday after the trip. It was just us. We are totally opposite and get along great, even when we fight. She is out in the dessert studying rocks right now. There isn't anyone around here like that yet. I am sure twenty years from now, I will find that not to be so true though.
That was what my meditation this morning was about. This too shall pass. Everything from musicals to bestfriends to leaving and starting anew. It all passes. The two great constants in the world are time and change, which is why it is so important for me to value the moment. Sometimes there is a moment for nostalgia too. You know, I miss Lea Anne. I miss the Quilters. I miss being sixteen, but it sure would be great to sing and dance again for GODSPELL. This feeling too shall pass.
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
all these moments that i've missed please forgive me, won't you, dear? please forgive and let me share...
Wow, I feel like I skipped a few days of my life by not blogging yesterday. Well here's the things that is new and interesting in my life:
So I am reading this book that a friend of mine told me I just had to get because it so applied to my life and because I am an "intellect" who should be an academic. I am reading Women Who Runs with the Wolves. It is a cross of the Jungian arctypes (psychology) for women and fairytales/legends/tales/anything that could be passed down through oration as being slightly surreal or mythical. This includes a story from just about any culture, race, religion or creed. Anyway, one story is about Valissa (she reminds me slightly of the little cinder girl, but in Lousiana but actually I think it is Russian) and how she is learning to trust her intuition. The story is a great way to show how women learn about breaking away from their mothers and becoming a woman, listening to that still small voice called intuition. This is something that I have been working on here recently. I find that the innate self is inherently good, whereas Jung and Freud believe differently, but they are entitled to their opinions too. Back to the subject at hand: Because I believe the innate self is inherently good, it leads me to believe that the still small voice, women's intuition, the Holy Spirit, what ever you want to call it, is a leading force for me to become a better person and in all possibility the best person feasible for me. Now, there is a wierd spin to this. While I am studying about this intuition in the Wolves, I also do a daily meditation. It is a Melanie Beattie book that gives a small experience, strength and hope section, usually following a theme or two a month,and then gives a prayer. The end half of the month has been about intuition. She says that, first it is not gender specific. Second, it is something to be practiced in places as simple as the grocery store. What a great idea! Typically, the grocery store happens on Thursday. This I am looking forward to trying. But I get the idea that I am supposed to try it anywhere and am begining to listen very quietly to the "God voice" as she calls it. In another book it is called a conscience, and still others it is called a God-conscience. These are all things that I think about and write about when I get stuck on a machine called the CMI, which measures metal thickness for non-nickel, nickel, zinc and brass plated parts for the manufacturer I work for. It has a four and a half to ten minute window between measurements so I go crazy with books and writings, because there is not really time to do much else.
Last night I went to have dinner with friends, that both John and I were invited to, it was the wrong week again. This is twice in one week that we have done that. Both were to far away destinations too (last time it was Dahlonega and this time Homer!). Hopefully, this will not be a chronic syndrome for me. I am not interested in randomly driving to places, only to find out I am lost. Although I felt that way after delveing into the Wolves yesterday. I read until I was lost in thought and couldn't read any more.
Wow, I feel like I skipped a few days of my life by not blogging yesterday. Well here's the things that is new and interesting in my life:
So I am reading this book that a friend of mine told me I just had to get because it so applied to my life and because I am an "intellect" who should be an academic. I am reading Women Who Runs with the Wolves. It is a cross of the Jungian arctypes (psychology) for women and fairytales/legends/tales/anything that could be passed down through oration as being slightly surreal or mythical. This includes a story from just about any culture, race, religion or creed. Anyway, one story is about Valissa (she reminds me slightly of the little cinder girl, but in Lousiana but actually I think it is Russian) and how she is learning to trust her intuition. The story is a great way to show how women learn about breaking away from their mothers and becoming a woman, listening to that still small voice called intuition. This is something that I have been working on here recently. I find that the innate self is inherently good, whereas Jung and Freud believe differently, but they are entitled to their opinions too. Back to the subject at hand: Because I believe the innate self is inherently good, it leads me to believe that the still small voice, women's intuition, the Holy Spirit, what ever you want to call it, is a leading force for me to become a better person and in all possibility the best person feasible for me. Now, there is a wierd spin to this. While I am studying about this intuition in the Wolves, I also do a daily meditation. It is a Melanie Beattie book that gives a small experience, strength and hope section, usually following a theme or two a month,and then gives a prayer. The end half of the month has been about intuition. She says that, first it is not gender specific. Second, it is something to be practiced in places as simple as the grocery store. What a great idea! Typically, the grocery store happens on Thursday. This I am looking forward to trying. But I get the idea that I am supposed to try it anywhere and am begining to listen very quietly to the "God voice" as she calls it. In another book it is called a conscience, and still others it is called a God-conscience. These are all things that I think about and write about when I get stuck on a machine called the CMI, which measures metal thickness for non-nickel, nickel, zinc and brass plated parts for the manufacturer I work for. It has a four and a half to ten minute window between measurements so I go crazy with books and writings, because there is not really time to do much else.
Last night I went to have dinner with friends, that both John and I were invited to, it was the wrong week again. This is twice in one week that we have done that. Both were to far away destinations too (last time it was Dahlonega and this time Homer!). Hopefully, this will not be a chronic syndrome for me. I am not interested in randomly driving to places, only to find out I am lost. Although I felt that way after delveing into the Wolves yesterday. I read until I was lost in thought and couldn't read any more.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Monday, July 28, 2003
born to shimmer, born to shine
So......Friday: went and talked with friends about God. Saturday: went up to Vogel State park, which is beautiful, and pick nicked with friends. Got sun burned. Then went to Brasstown Bald. WOW. Go state parks. Brasstown was awesome. Vogel was sunny and nice. Then went to John's farm to freshen up prior to going to the party. I wore my "Juanita"-shaw and was stunning in my new heels. Then went to the Mexican restaurant with friends because Alice's Restuarant ran out of food. Had a great time. Sunday:ate breakfast at Alice's and went tubing with a girlfriend. Got sunburned. (Double sunburn in one weekend!! Ouch!! Not to worry, am a pro at healing the skin and I have to cross my fingers on it going tan!) Took the movies back, got another. Was exhausted, but loved "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." Matthew McConehey (spelling sorry) is one of the sexiest men ever. He and Kate Hudson have GREAT chemistry. Definitely one to go into the romantic comedy collection. Wow. Good movie and he is sooo sexy!! Did I say that already? Wow, great bod. Oh!! Got the biggest wall in the whole apartment painted and ready to finish moving things back into place. Yea. Almost super cleaned apartment!! Amazing. Said my prayers went to bed.
AH.....Monday is feeling very normal. Thank goodness.
So......Friday: went and talked with friends about God. Saturday: went up to Vogel State park, which is beautiful, and pick nicked with friends. Got sun burned. Then went to Brasstown Bald. WOW. Go state parks. Brasstown was awesome. Vogel was sunny and nice. Then went to John's farm to freshen up prior to going to the party. I wore my "Juanita"-shaw and was stunning in my new heels. Then went to the Mexican restaurant with friends because Alice's Restuarant ran out of food. Had a great time. Sunday:ate breakfast at Alice's and went tubing with a girlfriend. Got sunburned. (Double sunburn in one weekend!! Ouch!! Not to worry, am a pro at healing the skin and I have to cross my fingers on it going tan!) Took the movies back, got another. Was exhausted, but loved "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." Matthew McConehey (spelling sorry) is one of the sexiest men ever. He and Kate Hudson have GREAT chemistry. Definitely one to go into the romantic comedy collection. Wow. Good movie and he is sooo sexy!! Did I say that already? Wow, great bod. Oh!! Got the biggest wall in the whole apartment painted and ready to finish moving things back into place. Yea. Almost super cleaned apartment!! Amazing. Said my prayers went to bed.
AH.....Monday is feeling very normal. Thank goodness.
Friday, July 25, 2003
I will not forsake the colors you bring
One time I heard a speaker tape that told me to have courage and do one thing different everyday. Change one thing each day. The example he gave was with your route to work. He is a comedian and he made it so funny what happens in your head when you chnage your path to work. WELL....I am not ever going to do THAT again. I went to spend the night with a friend and I got up about fifteen minutes after I wanted to, thinking I had a faster route to work than from my house...........wrong. I missed my way to work this morning. I went on this long boring, two lane, no passing lane highway straight into Clarkesville to work. I was miserable. I love coming out of my rocky driveway and having the mist move like a boat in water for my car as it lazily goes to the main road. Then when I make that left hand turn onto the pavement, the sun breaks and my sunglasses go down, along with my visor in my car. The mist breaks and the dew sets. I take a right onto a beautifully curvy road that rides right past this lake and waterfall with geese and ducks, which are usually just coming out of their tucked sleep. Some still have thier heads in their feathers, especially the goslings. Then right at the stop sign, pass the cows in their sleek fat selves with their calfs bounding about, and BAM, open beautiful mountain scenery on the left that proves the majesty of God. Now, if it is misty outside because of a rain or just past rain, then I put on Harry Potter and drive too fast because it sends me into London in that same route. However, either way it is on through the rest of the cool little city I live in and away to work. It is like a ride at Six Flags or something. The only thing on the way to work that I noticed this morning was a chicken farm, ugh the smell of money is gross. What was worse was the people on the road were SO SLOW. I am talking going 35 in a 55. Ridiculous. Not but one passing zone, which didn't do any good because the guy in front was four cars in front. Finally, he broke down as we all approached Clarkesville. Imagine that. Then it was zip into the city. Ah....I don't know I miss things until they are gone.
One time I heard a speaker tape that told me to have courage and do one thing different everyday. Change one thing each day. The example he gave was with your route to work. He is a comedian and he made it so funny what happens in your head when you chnage your path to work. WELL....I am not ever going to do THAT again. I went to spend the night with a friend and I got up about fifteen minutes after I wanted to, thinking I had a faster route to work than from my house...........wrong. I missed my way to work this morning. I went on this long boring, two lane, no passing lane highway straight into Clarkesville to work. I was miserable. I love coming out of my rocky driveway and having the mist move like a boat in water for my car as it lazily goes to the main road. Then when I make that left hand turn onto the pavement, the sun breaks and my sunglasses go down, along with my visor in my car. The mist breaks and the dew sets. I take a right onto a beautifully curvy road that rides right past this lake and waterfall with geese and ducks, which are usually just coming out of their tucked sleep. Some still have thier heads in their feathers, especially the goslings. Then right at the stop sign, pass the cows in their sleek fat selves with their calfs bounding about, and BAM, open beautiful mountain scenery on the left that proves the majesty of God. Now, if it is misty outside because of a rain or just past rain, then I put on Harry Potter and drive too fast because it sends me into London in that same route. However, either way it is on through the rest of the cool little city I live in and away to work. It is like a ride at Six Flags or something. The only thing on the way to work that I noticed this morning was a chicken farm, ugh the smell of money is gross. What was worse was the people on the road were SO SLOW. I am talking going 35 in a 55. Ridiculous. Not but one passing zone, which didn't do any good because the guy in front was four cars in front. Finally, he broke down as we all approached Clarkesville. Imagine that. Then it was zip into the city. Ah....I don't know I miss things until they are gone.
Thursday, July 24, 2003
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it.....
I figured out today that I am definitely turning into an adult. The alarm went off this morning and I was awake. Lately, I have also noticed that on Saturdays my days start early enough that I can go meet with friends and talk about God at nine in the morning in Dalonega and am on time. This is strange considering I have been a teenager for so long. I love being sixteen forever. It means that I didn't have to worry about things like credit or loans or ........responsibilities. Ech. Next month, my hospital bills will be paid for in full, which I did, all by myself. On Halloween, I will have a two thousand dollar credit card paid off in full, and another three hundred dollar one paid off as well. That is insane!! I make regular payments on my student loans and regular things to boot (ie rent, power, phone, etc.). Who would guess that I would run out of being sixteen and be an......adult. My behavior doesn't always reflect what I do though. I mean, sure, I am slowly but surely becoming a credited adult, but I still feeeeel sixteen and I sometimes still act sixteen. My insides say "let's go to the pool or the beach," "let's go to the movies with a crew of people and then to the Pizza Cafe," or "after rehearsal we are going to someone's house and hang out." Hanging out is a big thing. Now I go to bed at ten o'clock....willingly. I work hard and get all my work done efficently so as not to have any,....homework?no flack from my superiors!How did this happen? How did I get to a point that I am painting my own apartment--which by the way is almost clean, the big wall is almost painted save the last quarter panel of it, so I should have half of the apartment super cleaned by tomorrow--or being a part of people's lives so much so that I hardly find time to go to my parents house? I have actually had a boyfriend for more than two weeks of going together....it's been over a year! Whoa. What happened?! How did I get here?! "When you grow up, you're heart dies." But you know what, this is not true no matter how long I believed in this statement. My heart is just as strong as ever and has just as much ability to love as it ever did. When did I make that decision that it was okay to grow up?!!!!!!!!!!!
oh,
three years ago
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it.....
I figured out today that I am definitely turning into an adult. The alarm went off this morning and I was awake. Lately, I have also noticed that on Saturdays my days start early enough that I can go meet with friends and talk about God at nine in the morning in Dalonega and am on time. This is strange considering I have been a teenager for so long. I love being sixteen forever. It means that I didn't have to worry about things like credit or loans or ........responsibilities. Ech. Next month, my hospital bills will be paid for in full, which I did, all by myself. On Halloween, I will have a two thousand dollar credit card paid off in full, and another three hundred dollar one paid off as well. That is insane!! I make regular payments on my student loans and regular things to boot (ie rent, power, phone, etc.). Who would guess that I would run out of being sixteen and be an......adult. My behavior doesn't always reflect what I do though. I mean, sure, I am slowly but surely becoming a credited adult, but I still feeeeel sixteen and I sometimes still act sixteen. My insides say "let's go to the pool or the beach," "let's go to the movies with a crew of people and then to the Pizza Cafe," or "after rehearsal we are going to someone's house and hang out." Hanging out is a big thing. Now I go to bed at ten o'clock....willingly. I work hard and get all my work done efficently so as not to have any,....homework?no flack from my superiors!How did this happen? How did I get to a point that I am painting my own apartment--which by the way is almost clean, the big wall is almost painted save the last quarter panel of it, so I should have half of the apartment super cleaned by tomorrow--or being a part of people's lives so much so that I hardly find time to go to my parents house? I have actually had a boyfriend for more than two weeks of going together....it's been over a year! Whoa. What happened?! How did I get here?! "When you grow up, you're heart dies." But you know what, this is not true no matter how long I believed in this statement. My heart is just as strong as ever and has just as much ability to love as it ever did. When did I make that decision that it was okay to grow up?!!!!!!!!!!!
oh,
three years ago
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Let's Go to the movies. . .
I had a wonderful girls night in with me, myself and I. I brought icecream--Phish Food--Ben & Jerry's by the pint. Me brought a bag of chips and Myself brought the movies. Enticing movies I might add.
okokok, down to the business of movies....
Brotherhood of the Wolf.....was excellent for being a foreign film. Also, it had a good plot with realistic limitation of the characters and events that would occur to them. It was supposed to be a legend being told, but it was obviously not written by the Grimm brothers. It was a dash of Dances with Wolves, a dash of Braveheart, a smidgen of a Bruce Lee film, a dash of Last of the Mohicans and a dash of originality set in France. Not a Mom movie due to the blood and gore, however, not a riotous blood bath either. Well directed. Well edited. Had a good plot. Kept my attention focused and drew me into another world. The actors were tremendous. The villian was great and the hero was pretty good too. Couldn't tell you their names though. Excellent movie, highly recommend it on DVD (yea no sub titles, unless you like reading a movie). Left me feeling like I wanted to be in love in a movie with courage and a good Iroquois as a friend by my side. I liked it. Music was good too. Not tremendous though. I give it a B+ (91).
BoilerRoom....almost lived it, except with a different sale. Understood that it was a good plot. The casting was okay, but not great. I see why Giovanni got the lead, but he was supposed to play a romantic lead as well. The romantic lead was a bust. There was no chemistry at all. He also looked like he was strung out all the time, which was annoying. Although, his character is never healthy-emotionally or physically through out the film, so I will buy it. I had no idea that Vin Disel (or however you spell his name) was in this flick, but he was really really good. I knew this man could act a part other than the studly hunk o' luvin' part. Ben Affleck did a great job being a jerk as a cameo. The feds were over done and the constant eerly feel that some movies play well was WAY over done. Overall, the movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Kind of that copper taste. It wasn't great. If you rent it for the reason myself rented it, which was "Hmm. . .I never did see this movie and they don't have in what I want to see. . .ok I'll get it," then it was fine, but for all other intensive purposes forget it. There was some good acting in it though, two stars: one for the reality of the movie and the other for the truck load of good looking men trying to act with what they were given.
Then I went and said my prayers, read Anne and went to sleep.
I had a wonderful girls night in with me, myself and I. I brought icecream--Phish Food--Ben & Jerry's by the pint. Me brought a bag of chips and Myself brought the movies. Enticing movies I might add.
okokok, down to the business of movies....
Brotherhood of the Wolf.....was excellent for being a foreign film. Also, it had a good plot with realistic limitation of the characters and events that would occur to them. It was supposed to be a legend being told, but it was obviously not written by the Grimm brothers. It was a dash of Dances with Wolves, a dash of Braveheart, a smidgen of a Bruce Lee film, a dash of Last of the Mohicans and a dash of originality set in France. Not a Mom movie due to the blood and gore, however, not a riotous blood bath either. Well directed. Well edited. Had a good plot. Kept my attention focused and drew me into another world. The actors were tremendous. The villian was great and the hero was pretty good too. Couldn't tell you their names though. Excellent movie, highly recommend it on DVD (yea no sub titles, unless you like reading a movie). Left me feeling like I wanted to be in love in a movie with courage and a good Iroquois as a friend by my side. I liked it. Music was good too. Not tremendous though. I give it a B+ (91).
BoilerRoom....almost lived it, except with a different sale. Understood that it was a good plot. The casting was okay, but not great. I see why Giovanni got the lead, but he was supposed to play a romantic lead as well. The romantic lead was a bust. There was no chemistry at all. He also looked like he was strung out all the time, which was annoying. Although, his character is never healthy-emotionally or physically through out the film, so I will buy it. I had no idea that Vin Disel (or however you spell his name) was in this flick, but he was really really good. I knew this man could act a part other than the studly hunk o' luvin' part. Ben Affleck did a great job being a jerk as a cameo. The feds were over done and the constant eerly feel that some movies play well was WAY over done. Overall, the movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Kind of that copper taste. It wasn't great. If you rent it for the reason myself rented it, which was "Hmm. . .I never did see this movie and they don't have in what I want to see. . .ok I'll get it," then it was fine, but for all other intensive purposes forget it. There was some good acting in it though, two stars: one for the reality of the movie and the other for the truck load of good looking men trying to act with what they were given.
Then I went and said my prayers, read Anne and went to sleep.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Humility.....It's a God thing, do ya understand?
Main Entry: hu·mil·i·ty
Pronunciation: hyü-'mi-l&-tE, yü-
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
: the quality or state of being humble
Ok fine......
Main Entry: 1hum·ble
Pronunciation: 'h&m-b&l also chiefly Southern '&m-
Function: adjective
Date: 13th century
1 : not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2 : reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission < a humble apology >
3 a : ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : INSIGNIFICANT, UNPRETENTIOUS b : not costly or luxurious
Humility was the topic of discussion with the friends last night. Change and humility. Humility is not humiliation---although sometimes that is how it is achieved. However, if you replace humility with "God's Will" in any sentence, it allows for a true sense of humility. Others believe that humility is synonomous with teachablilty. It is not something that I have very much of yet, but I had more than three years ago. I like the idea that humility is God's will the most. It is strange because to me humility is not an action, it is something inside that connects with emotions and maybe even the soul. It is like the feeling of softness, fragility and nervousness when I am trying to pick up something I don't want to fall apart or break. Like picking a rose petal off of a rose or holding a newborn baby. It is similar to that. It is an emotion conveyed in body language and tone of voice not in words or speech. I believe that Matthew Cuthbert is the picture perfect humble feeling when he puts the pearls around Anne's neck for the reading at the White Sands Hotel of the Highwayman. Humility is inside, it is something spiritual between . . .kindred spirits. . .perhaps. Humility to me is love and God is love. . .get my drift. . .
Main Entry: hu·mil·i·ty
Pronunciation: hyü-'mi-l&-tE, yü-
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
: the quality or state of being humble
Ok fine......
Main Entry: 1hum·ble
Pronunciation: 'h&m-b&l also chiefly Southern '&m-
Function: adjective
Date: 13th century
1 : not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2 : reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission < a humble apology >
3 a : ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : INSIGNIFICANT, UNPRETENTIOUS b : not costly or luxurious
Humility was the topic of discussion with the friends last night. Change and humility. Humility is not humiliation---although sometimes that is how it is achieved. However, if you replace humility with "God's Will" in any sentence, it allows for a true sense of humility. Others believe that humility is synonomous with teachablilty. It is not something that I have very much of yet, but I had more than three years ago. I like the idea that humility is God's will the most. It is strange because to me humility is not an action, it is something inside that connects with emotions and maybe even the soul. It is like the feeling of softness, fragility and nervousness when I am trying to pick up something I don't want to fall apart or break. Like picking a rose petal off of a rose or holding a newborn baby. It is similar to that. It is an emotion conveyed in body language and tone of voice not in words or speech. I believe that Matthew Cuthbert is the picture perfect humble feeling when he puts the pearls around Anne's neck for the reading at the White Sands Hotel of the Highwayman. Humility is inside, it is something spiritual between . . .kindred spirits. . .perhaps. Humility to me is love and God is love. . .get my drift. . .
What do they mean technically the company owns the email? This means that I can't send usless pieces of info over the internet to my folks and kin? How dare they!! I thought that the whole point of having a job with a computer was so that I could keep in touch with my loved ones for free. What is really funny is that we installed all this fancy smancy new email and net server stuff. . .very expensive. . .and it blacklisted everyone as viral spam that was out going non manufacturing mail. Which means anyone in the company was fine and dandy, however, everyone else in the WORLD rejected email from the company!!! HA HA!! That is what they get. Hopefully, those of us who are savvy computer people (apparently I am a savvy computer person according to the IT guy! HA! Me! Computer Savvy!!)will figure a way around things outgoing to the peeps in the rest of the world. The mail is supposed to become un-black listed by tomorrow. Who knows!! We shall see.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Oh what a beautiful morning.....weekend...
So Thursday evening John and I left to go to the mighty West Virginia. It tooks us five/six hours to get there and as it turns out that I have not been paying enough attention. Mrs. Kahle, his mother, lives in a "suburb" of Bluefield, W.Va. Anybody who knows anything about movies knows Bluefield. There are two famous people from Bluefield, amazingly enough. First and foremost, Homer Hickam. Second and most importantly, Dr. John Nash, Jr.. Duh. . . Thirdly and closest to my heart, is John S. Kahle. (he has never been in a movie though, just my movie!) Mrs. Kahle said that she did not have the priveledge of teaching Homer, however she studied with Homer's teacher who went to this little community college in the city next door, Princeton or Athens or something. She said that she did know Dr. Nash's father and that she always thought there was something a little off about "John." She said that the movie was a little glamorous in comparison to the truth.
But we got into Bramwell, the suburb, around one o'clock in the morn. Bramwell is known as having more millionares per capita than any other city in the US at one point in time (19 millionares with in ~10 sq miles!). It is obvious that Bramwell is where the people who owned the mines lived. The houses are beautiful and the town is super quaint. We slept in until 11 the next day. Then John bought his mother's car and then we went to a play. Yes there was a play in Bramwell. But before the play John took me to a state park called Pipestaff where there is a huge gorge. He was hoping to get me on this sky bucket thing that takes you to the bottom of the gorge (I DON'T THINK SO!!!) It was a sky bucket similar to the ones at Six Flags and the difference was instead of the ground being twenty feet below you it was 300 ft below you. So needless to say, I didn't go on the thing. I am afraid of trams not to mention a 300 ft sky bucket!!! So we looked around in the shops and walked a bit. The play, "The Foreigner" was playing at the Masonic Lodge in Bramwell. It was absolutely hysterical. I laughed and laughed. It is all about a man who is afraid of talking to people and has no personality so his friend tells everyone he doesn't speak English (mind you he is really from England). It was awesome. All the actors were local, sort of. Their parents all lived in Bramwell and there was one man who was a resident. They were mostly all paid NYC actors who came in for the weekend specifically to do the production. Then afterwards we walked to the Depot for music. On the way we stopped in this Victorian Store and John bought me a beautiful black shaw. I love it. The music was good at the Depot and then we walked home. We swang on the swing on the front porch and talked into the wee hours of the morning. One of the nice things about WVA is that there is no such thing as hot. Mrs. Kahle said that it was sweltering at 72 degrees. It was so lovely like out of a dream. The next day we did nothing, except catch up and eat. We had dinner at a buffet place that Mrs. Kahle like to go on the other side of the mountain in a place called Narrow (pronounced Narras). There we went by the New River, which is one of the oldest rivers in the US and strangley enough flows north. Then we came home and drove around John's new car (well new used car!:)). On Sunday we headed back Georgia way and I got a flat. I was very thankful that John was with me. He is replacing my tires some time today or tomorrow. Then he and I went to talk with friends about God and I went home, said my prayers, read Anne and went to bed.
So Thursday evening John and I left to go to the mighty West Virginia. It tooks us five/six hours to get there and as it turns out that I have not been paying enough attention. Mrs. Kahle, his mother, lives in a "suburb" of Bluefield, W.Va. Anybody who knows anything about movies knows Bluefield. There are two famous people from Bluefield, amazingly enough. First and foremost, Homer Hickam. Second and most importantly, Dr. John Nash, Jr.. Duh. . . Thirdly and closest to my heart, is John S. Kahle. (he has never been in a movie though, just my movie!) Mrs. Kahle said that she did not have the priveledge of teaching Homer, however she studied with Homer's teacher who went to this little community college in the city next door, Princeton or Athens or something. She said that she did know Dr. Nash's father and that she always thought there was something a little off about "John." She said that the movie was a little glamorous in comparison to the truth.
But we got into Bramwell, the suburb, around one o'clock in the morn. Bramwell is known as having more millionares per capita than any other city in the US at one point in time (19 millionares with in ~10 sq miles!). It is obvious that Bramwell is where the people who owned the mines lived. The houses are beautiful and the town is super quaint. We slept in until 11 the next day. Then John bought his mother's car and then we went to a play. Yes there was a play in Bramwell. But before the play John took me to a state park called Pipestaff where there is a huge gorge. He was hoping to get me on this sky bucket thing that takes you to the bottom of the gorge (I DON'T THINK SO!!!) It was a sky bucket similar to the ones at Six Flags and the difference was instead of the ground being twenty feet below you it was 300 ft below you. So needless to say, I didn't go on the thing. I am afraid of trams not to mention a 300 ft sky bucket!!! So we looked around in the shops and walked a bit. The play, "The Foreigner" was playing at the Masonic Lodge in Bramwell. It was absolutely hysterical. I laughed and laughed. It is all about a man who is afraid of talking to people and has no personality so his friend tells everyone he doesn't speak English (mind you he is really from England). It was awesome. All the actors were local, sort of. Their parents all lived in Bramwell and there was one man who was a resident. They were mostly all paid NYC actors who came in for the weekend specifically to do the production. Then afterwards we walked to the Depot for music. On the way we stopped in this Victorian Store and John bought me a beautiful black shaw. I love it. The music was good at the Depot and then we walked home. We swang on the swing on the front porch and talked into the wee hours of the morning. One of the nice things about WVA is that there is no such thing as hot. Mrs. Kahle said that it was sweltering at 72 degrees. It was so lovely like out of a dream. The next day we did nothing, except catch up and eat. We had dinner at a buffet place that Mrs. Kahle like to go on the other side of the mountain in a place called Narrow (pronounced Narras). There we went by the New River, which is one of the oldest rivers in the US and strangley enough flows north. Then we came home and drove around John's new car (well new used car!:)). On Sunday we headed back Georgia way and I got a flat. I was very thankful that John was with me. He is replacing my tires some time today or tomorrow. Then he and I went to talk with friends about God and I went home, said my prayers, read Anne and went to bed.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Katydids
Last night I am standing around talking with several friends and there was a woman who said that the reason she had moved back up to North Georgia after being in the city for so long was to hear the katydids. She said that once the katydids began to sing it would be six weeks before the first frost. I don't know all that much about when frosts come or go, but what I do have is a memory with Katydids.
When I was little and I'd wonder when summer would ever get here! (which is a big wonder for a ten year old!) I knew that it was just a matter of time because the katydids would sing at night when the temperature warmed up. This also meant that there was nothing left to do in school except give the teacher her gift and have a party. Then it would be HOT. Katydids told me it would be hot for the summer. Katydids told me when the swim season was almost on me and the pool would be open full blast. Katydids told me that the three o'clock showers would cool us off in the afternoon. Katydids told me nothing was going to get me. Katydids told me everything was okay. The strange thing is, I think I have only ever seen a Katydid once--big green grasshopper looking thing--but I hear a Katydid no matter where I go. I can't imagine having a summer without Katydids.
Last night I am standing around talking with several friends and there was a woman who said that the reason she had moved back up to North Georgia after being in the city for so long was to hear the katydids. She said that once the katydids began to sing it would be six weeks before the first frost. I don't know all that much about when frosts come or go, but what I do have is a memory with Katydids.
When I was little and I'd wonder when summer would ever get here! (which is a big wonder for a ten year old!) I knew that it was just a matter of time because the katydids would sing at night when the temperature warmed up. This also meant that there was nothing left to do in school except give the teacher her gift and have a party. Then it would be HOT. Katydids told me it would be hot for the summer. Katydids told me when the swim season was almost on me and the pool would be open full blast. Katydids told me that the three o'clock showers would cool us off in the afternoon. Katydids told me nothing was going to get me. Katydids told me everything was okay. The strange thing is, I think I have only ever seen a Katydid once--big green grasshopper looking thing--but I hear a Katydid no matter where I go. I can't imagine having a summer without Katydids.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
AHHHH!!!
Sometimes work can be so intrusive. Yesterday, without asking, I had to stay until 6 pm and then was turned around and asked to come in early! Whatever! Then today, more work was dumped on my desk than I have ever seen since I got here. A direct result was laundry loss. I went straight from work to eat and then meet friends to talk about God. By the time I got home it was 11 pm. And work wanted me here at 6?!! Good for me that I have been taught to be clear honest and direct, because I told work that I was unwilling to come in that early. I was told to get here as soon as I could. I made it by 7:30am. That was all I could do. I am going home today a 4, thank goodness, to do laundry!!!! I have to because of my trip on Thursday. I get to go to W.VA with John on Thursday evening and will return, . . .by Sunday? So the Friday edition of Rae's Blog is cancelled and there is not a weekend edition. I want to leave now. I am so tired. Oh well. . . 30 minutes till the end of the work day and only 24 hours and thirty minutes until I get to leave for beauty and peace.
Sometimes work can be so intrusive. Yesterday, without asking, I had to stay until 6 pm and then was turned around and asked to come in early! Whatever! Then today, more work was dumped on my desk than I have ever seen since I got here. A direct result was laundry loss. I went straight from work to eat and then meet friends to talk about God. By the time I got home it was 11 pm. And work wanted me here at 6?!! Good for me that I have been taught to be clear honest and direct, because I told work that I was unwilling to come in that early. I was told to get here as soon as I could. I made it by 7:30am. That was all I could do. I am going home today a 4, thank goodness, to do laundry!!!! I have to because of my trip on Thursday. I get to go to W.VA with John on Thursday evening and will return, . . .by Sunday? So the Friday edition of Rae's Blog is cancelled and there is not a weekend edition. I want to leave now. I am so tired. Oh well. . . 30 minutes till the end of the work day and only 24 hours and thirty minutes until I get to leave for beauty and peace.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Burning Bushes
Last night I went to meet with friends to talk about God and I got to bring up the topic of discussion. I really didn't know what to talk about, as is the case when I am put on the spot, but just like my cleaning (which is going great by the way! Update: Laundry in the car to be done this afternoon. Kitchen cleaned. There are four bags of laundry!!! Thank God for big washers at the mat! Go Rachel!) it is easy once I get going. the page that I like a lot talks about spiritual experiences/awakenings and being rocketed into the fourth dimension. Now the point that I liked the most was brought up that I have never actually seen a burning bush, however the idea is that Moses saw the bush burning but not being consumed. I understand what that is: each person is a burning bush, burning but not being consumed until perhaps upon death. Each person is a miracle. So now when I see my friends or have interaction with them, it seems different today. I may lose this feeling, gratitude, but it is good for today.
I also went to see a friend who I thought might be sick, but it turned out he wasn't. He was just tired. We watched these crazy dating things on Cinemax that didn't make any sense at all. This one guy who lived in NYC asked out every beautiful woman he came across just on the basis of a Jack Karouac novel. Wierd. But it worked. He had two dates by the end of the fifteen minute segment. When they were interviewing him on the camera he would wear a blind fold so that he couldn't see the beautiful women walking by and therefor would not miss an opportunity to ask her out. It was funny. Courage is hard, but rewarding. That is the other thing about cleaning and talking. . .even though I may not be asking out every beautiful woman I see (which I am sure both my family and John are very grateful for) I am doing little courageous things for myself. Super cleaning and making a discussion are scary things if you are me, and doing them takes courage because it means that I am taking care of myself. Self care leads to God's will. These little courageous acts are what make me a burning bush.
Last night I went to meet with friends to talk about God and I got to bring up the topic of discussion. I really didn't know what to talk about, as is the case when I am put on the spot, but just like my cleaning (which is going great by the way! Update: Laundry in the car to be done this afternoon. Kitchen cleaned. There are four bags of laundry!!! Thank God for big washers at the mat! Go Rachel!) it is easy once I get going. the page that I like a lot talks about spiritual experiences/awakenings and being rocketed into the fourth dimension. Now the point that I liked the most was brought up that I have never actually seen a burning bush, however the idea is that Moses saw the bush burning but not being consumed. I understand what that is: each person is a burning bush, burning but not being consumed until perhaps upon death. Each person is a miracle. So now when I see my friends or have interaction with them, it seems different today. I may lose this feeling, gratitude, but it is good for today.
I also went to see a friend who I thought might be sick, but it turned out he wasn't. He was just tired. We watched these crazy dating things on Cinemax that didn't make any sense at all. This one guy who lived in NYC asked out every beautiful woman he came across just on the basis of a Jack Karouac novel. Wierd. But it worked. He had two dates by the end of the fifteen minute segment. When they were interviewing him on the camera he would wear a blind fold so that he couldn't see the beautiful women walking by and therefor would not miss an opportunity to ask her out. It was funny. Courage is hard, but rewarding. That is the other thing about cleaning and talking. . .even though I may not be asking out every beautiful woman I see (which I am sure both my family and John are very grateful for) I am doing little courageous things for myself. Super cleaning and making a discussion are scary things if you are me, and doing them takes courage because it means that I am taking care of myself. Self care leads to God's will. These little courageous acts are what make me a burning bush.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Weekend Update
Da da da da da da da duda dododododododododo
Name that song!
Friday: met with friends talked about God; talked forever
Saturday: (best day of the weekend) got up said prayers; went to meet with friends talking about God and went out to breakfast afterwards; went on beautiful scenic drive through the seriously north georgia mountains. Absolutely the best part of the weekend. Went to the farm, took shower, dried hair by driving around on the four wheeler; farm smells. . .like chicken litter. . .gross. Farm is beautiful though. Lovely day. Was a great way to dry hair and add God's special highlighter. Went to the movies in Gainesville, saw Pirates of the Carribean. Was an excellent flick, soon to be a Green Family Favorite once everyone gets to see it. Johnny Depp is still one of the best actors ever to never win an award. Went to meet with more friends, stood around and talked forever. Went to make a turkey sandwich, thanked God for the day and then off to bed.
Sunday: Movie Marathon: Gangs of New York--not a good movie, overdrawn in the plot, had great potential and failed; Dark Blue--excellent representation of the LA riots, however the story in general was bad, kind of looked like a cheap fiilm, decent entertainment though, Kurt Russel did an excellent job playing the same roll again; A Chorus Line--awesome everytime, unfortunately in the DVD version, they cut several things, specifically the song four-foot-ten, which to those of us who know the musical it was a little confusing, however, the movie is still the ONE. Cleaned apartment while singing A Chorus Line on its second go on the DVD player. Moved all the furniture around and set up for painting that will hopefully begin on Tuesday or Wednesday. It is the biggest wall of the apartment so preparation had to be done. Totally rearranged the aparment and am in process of super cleaning (it turns out that super cleaning takes more than an hour). The whole project in general is a self esteem building exercise. Oh yes, recovered my couch. I knew there was an hour missing in all of that. Went to meet with friends and talk about God. Went to the grocery store for milk and cheese. Got home, made mac n' chees with no milk or butter due to talking with Mom on the phone. Noticed it when talking to Carter on phone, who started to laugh at me. Got off the phone, said prayers, went to bed.
Today is clothes cleaning day. I am super cleaning so there are more than just clothes to be cleaned here, bed sheets and covers, blankets, etc. Hopefully some of the mid summer mildew too much rain smell will go away. We shall see.
The song is the NPR song at night that plays on the pink radio on top of the harvest gold washing machine in the kitchen, while Mom is cooking supper, once we get in from violin lessons and Dad is getting home from work or school. Mom is constantly saying "turn that up" or "that is too loud" while Rachel is setting the table and Carter is doing homework at the dining room table or feeding the dog. Da Da Da da da da da duda. . do do do do dodododo. . .
Da da da da da da da duda dododododododododo
Name that song!
Friday: met with friends talked about God; talked forever
Saturday: (best day of the weekend) got up said prayers; went to meet with friends talking about God and went out to breakfast afterwards; went on beautiful scenic drive through the seriously north georgia mountains. Absolutely the best part of the weekend. Went to the farm, took shower, dried hair by driving around on the four wheeler; farm smells. . .like chicken litter. . .gross. Farm is beautiful though. Lovely day. Was a great way to dry hair and add God's special highlighter. Went to the movies in Gainesville, saw Pirates of the Carribean. Was an excellent flick, soon to be a Green Family Favorite once everyone gets to see it. Johnny Depp is still one of the best actors ever to never win an award. Went to meet with more friends, stood around and talked forever. Went to make a turkey sandwich, thanked God for the day and then off to bed.
Sunday: Movie Marathon: Gangs of New York--not a good movie, overdrawn in the plot, had great potential and failed; Dark Blue--excellent representation of the LA riots, however the story in general was bad, kind of looked like a cheap fiilm, decent entertainment though, Kurt Russel did an excellent job playing the same roll again; A Chorus Line--awesome everytime, unfortunately in the DVD version, they cut several things, specifically the song four-foot-ten, which to those of us who know the musical it was a little confusing, however, the movie is still the ONE. Cleaned apartment while singing A Chorus Line on its second go on the DVD player. Moved all the furniture around and set up for painting that will hopefully begin on Tuesday or Wednesday. It is the biggest wall of the apartment so preparation had to be done. Totally rearranged the aparment and am in process of super cleaning (it turns out that super cleaning takes more than an hour). The whole project in general is a self esteem building exercise. Oh yes, recovered my couch. I knew there was an hour missing in all of that. Went to meet with friends and talk about God. Went to the grocery store for milk and cheese. Got home, made mac n' chees with no milk or butter due to talking with Mom on the phone. Noticed it when talking to Carter on phone, who started to laugh at me. Got off the phone, said prayers, went to bed.
Today is clothes cleaning day. I am super cleaning so there are more than just clothes to be cleaned here, bed sheets and covers, blankets, etc. Hopefully some of the mid summer mildew too much rain smell will go away. We shall see.
The song is the NPR song at night that plays on the pink radio on top of the harvest gold washing machine in the kitchen, while Mom is cooking supper, once we get in from violin lessons and Dad is getting home from work or school. Mom is constantly saying "turn that up" or "that is too loud" while Rachel is setting the table and Carter is doing homework at the dining room table or feeding the dog. Da Da Da da da da da duda. . do do do do dodododo. . .
Friday, July 11, 2003
Keeping it Simple
Who knows how it is that this head of mine can make something so simple and make it ten times more complicated than ever thought possible. For example, my apartment and cleaning it. Now, cleaning it would take a whole whopping thirty minutes. Maybe if I wanted to super clean it, it would take me an hour. But something inside of me says nope. Won't do it. Not gonna do it. Usually, this is a sign that I am in denial about something. So then, when I agree with my head and don't do it....things get complicated. My life goes into overload with activites and wants and needs. I gotta do this,. . .and I gotta do that. . . (gottas are baaaad) and basics go out the window. Laundry, in the meantime, gets piled and the apartment, well, . . .goes to hell in a handbasket. I don't know who I think I am kidding. What it really boils down to is that I am afraid of myself and when I clean I am with myself and by myself. Therefore, I sometimes get afraid. Then once I get cleaning, my self esteem kicks in and viola, I am happy. Real happiness too not just the adryneline kind of happy. I begin to paint and watch movies and do all kinds of things all by myself. (haha song...Don't wanna be. . . .ALL BY MYSE-ee-ELF!) Once I get rolling, I usually don't stop. Ah, yes, activating self love is sometimes difficult for me. It always makes me feel better when I do it though. Keep It Simple Stupid! Probably by the time I get home I will convince myself that . . . march two three four, YES! (kick)Its all for the. . . (kick) Yes! its all for the. . .(kick)Yes!It's all for the BEST!! (walk two three four, step, throw arms!!!) music. I have heard my brother say that life needs a soundtrack,.......mine has one.
Who knows how it is that this head of mine can make something so simple and make it ten times more complicated than ever thought possible. For example, my apartment and cleaning it. Now, cleaning it would take a whole whopping thirty minutes. Maybe if I wanted to super clean it, it would take me an hour. But something inside of me says nope. Won't do it. Not gonna do it. Usually, this is a sign that I am in denial about something. So then, when I agree with my head and don't do it....things get complicated. My life goes into overload with activites and wants and needs. I gotta do this,. . .and I gotta do that. . . (gottas are baaaad) and basics go out the window. Laundry, in the meantime, gets piled and the apartment, well, . . .goes to hell in a handbasket. I don't know who I think I am kidding. What it really boils down to is that I am afraid of myself and when I clean I am with myself and by myself. Therefore, I sometimes get afraid. Then once I get cleaning, my self esteem kicks in and viola, I am happy. Real happiness too not just the adryneline kind of happy. I begin to paint and watch movies and do all kinds of things all by myself. (haha song...Don't wanna be. . . .ALL BY MYSE-ee-ELF!) Once I get rolling, I usually don't stop. Ah, yes, activating self love is sometimes difficult for me. It always makes me feel better when I do it though. Keep It Simple Stupid! Probably by the time I get home I will convince myself that . . . march two three four, YES! (kick)Its all for the. . . (kick) Yes! its all for the. . .(kick)Yes!It's all for the BEST!! (walk two three four, step, throw arms!!!) music. I have heard my brother say that life needs a soundtrack,.......mine has one.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Belle of the Bar
Today is a very humbling anniversary day for me. Three years ago today, a doctor looked right at me and sent me to a locked facility for help. Who would know? I didn't. I know my folks didn't. My fellow drunks did. My employer did. The people I worked with did. My cousins, strangly enough, did. The world I was trying so desperately to cling to came to a crashing halt on July 10, 2000. I couldn't find a way out. I was terrified in the most extreme, most unimaginable manner of being. I was alone to an extreme and everything seemed dark all the time. I couldn't remember what the sun felt like on my face. I was a night crawler. I had this unreasonable, uncontrolable, isolated, dark emotion clinging to my inside of me that I have heard some people describe as a hole. A black hole. I could not control what was happening around me, nor could I control my own behavior. My world fell apart. What's worse was that I couldn't remember anything. I still don't, except those emotions. The doctor's gave me something and I slept. Sleeping was such a relief. I had periods of some awareness when the nurses would come in and take my blood pressure. I slept for what felt like forever, but I think it was only 24 hours. I was so relieved when I woke up. I was safe. I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew inside that everything would be okay. I still couldn't talk about anything real. All I could talk about was playing spades, smoking cigarettes, and what was next on the agenda--lunch, meds,etc. Everytime my parents would talk to me I would cry. I was there for a week, and I could have sworn it was a year.
Today, I live in my own apartment out in the woods, kind of like Emerson. I spend time with God on a daily basis and completely understand that what happened three years ago today was His idea, not mine. I do still cry, but not because I can't talk, more because I am sad. I laugh today too. Loudly. I love my laugh. I wasn't used to being able to do so. I am not angry, or sad, or alone, or afraid. Sometimes I get this way, but I know that God is there and it only gets better from here, and then the feelings don't possess me. Today I have hope.
I actually pay my bills today. I don't go to bars. I go to the coffeeshop. I am happy. I am never alone. I understand that I have a long way to go, but when I look over my shoulder at my past, I understand that I have come a long way too. I was the Belle of the Bar, now I am . . . me, God's child, worthy of recovery.
Today is a very humbling anniversary day for me. Three years ago today, a doctor looked right at me and sent me to a locked facility for help. Who would know? I didn't. I know my folks didn't. My fellow drunks did. My employer did. The people I worked with did. My cousins, strangly enough, did. The world I was trying so desperately to cling to came to a crashing halt on July 10, 2000. I couldn't find a way out. I was terrified in the most extreme, most unimaginable manner of being. I was alone to an extreme and everything seemed dark all the time. I couldn't remember what the sun felt like on my face. I was a night crawler. I had this unreasonable, uncontrolable, isolated, dark emotion clinging to my inside of me that I have heard some people describe as a hole. A black hole. I could not control what was happening around me, nor could I control my own behavior. My world fell apart. What's worse was that I couldn't remember anything. I still don't, except those emotions. The doctor's gave me something and I slept. Sleeping was such a relief. I had periods of some awareness when the nurses would come in and take my blood pressure. I slept for what felt like forever, but I think it was only 24 hours. I was so relieved when I woke up. I was safe. I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew inside that everything would be okay. I still couldn't talk about anything real. All I could talk about was playing spades, smoking cigarettes, and what was next on the agenda--lunch, meds,etc. Everytime my parents would talk to me I would cry. I was there for a week, and I could have sworn it was a year.
Today, I live in my own apartment out in the woods, kind of like Emerson. I spend time with God on a daily basis and completely understand that what happened three years ago today was His idea, not mine. I do still cry, but not because I can't talk, more because I am sad. I laugh today too. Loudly. I love my laugh. I wasn't used to being able to do so. I am not angry, or sad, or alone, or afraid. Sometimes I get this way, but I know that God is there and it only gets better from here, and then the feelings don't possess me. Today I have hope.
I actually pay my bills today. I don't go to bars. I go to the coffeeshop. I am happy. I am never alone. I understand that I have a long way to go, but when I look over my shoulder at my past, I understand that I have come a long way too. I was the Belle of the Bar, now I am . . . me, God's child, worthy of recovery.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
If the power is out, do I have to stop at the stop signs?
Now in general this sounds very odd. Last night on the way home from meeting up with friends, the power was out down by the river which meant that about 30% of both White and Habersham Counties did not have power. It made the countryside extremely dark and moon extremely powerful. However, it meant that the traffic lights were out too and the police were out and about directing traffic. My head, when it saw the officers, asked the above question. I began laughing hysterically and when my comrade found out what I was laughing about, he rolled his eyes. Now the funny part about this is that, once I got into cellular land, I called my brother to ask him this question. His retort was, "I don't know. You know what I wonder? Is whether I have to stop at the stop signs when backing through an intersection!?" Yes, it is true. My brother thinks just like I do. I was laughing for so long, I made my side hurt. My comrade couldn't believe that my brother and I were so much alike or that we could be so close. Imagine, being described as close. Who knew? But yes, we are definitely alike.
Now in general this sounds very odd. Last night on the way home from meeting up with friends, the power was out down by the river which meant that about 30% of both White and Habersham Counties did not have power. It made the countryside extremely dark and moon extremely powerful. However, it meant that the traffic lights were out too and the police were out and about directing traffic. My head, when it saw the officers, asked the above question. I began laughing hysterically and when my comrade found out what I was laughing about, he rolled his eyes. Now the funny part about this is that, once I got into cellular land, I called my brother to ask him this question. His retort was, "I don't know. You know what I wonder? Is whether I have to stop at the stop signs when backing through an intersection!?" Yes, it is true. My brother thinks just like I do. I was laughing for so long, I made my side hurt. My comrade couldn't believe that my brother and I were so much alike or that we could be so close. Imagine, being described as close. Who knew? But yes, we are definitely alike.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanagable.
So my friends and I are all sitting around talking about this particular subject. Specifically, that whenever we try to control things, we have to come back to this basic. Honesty with ourselves is the key to awareness and spiritual growth. I can remember when I had no idea I was being dishonest. I had become such a liar that I couldn't see between what was a lie and what wasn't. I still don't tell certain stories anymore due to lack of credibility as to where my head got the story from. I don't know if the story is true. There are not very many people in this world that live by the principal of honesty. Actually, almost no one except those whose lives are on some type of spiritual path. My life used to be so crazy as a direct result of my lack of a spiritual path and my lack of honesty. I lived in chaos and was comfortable there. I was so powerless over my life. Paradoxically, when I surrendered to the fact that I was not the end all be all and that I was not God, specifically, my life got easier, better and more dealable. It was like I could say things that were real again and not false. The other thing that came with dishonesty and chaos was fear. I know today that fear is false evidence appearing real, however prior to acknowledging my powerlessness, I did not know. When I got honest, things around me became clearer and now I understand that fear perpetuates my dishonesty and thirst for insanity. All I have to do is admit my powerlessness, just say it out loud, say it to myself and I feel better. Surrender to a power greater than me, aka asking for help, makes me feel better. Honesty makes me feel better. Fear goes away with honesty and I feel better. That's the point right? To be happy? I think so. I have a desire to be happy today, and all I do is surrender.
So my friends and I are all sitting around talking about this particular subject. Specifically, that whenever we try to control things, we have to come back to this basic. Honesty with ourselves is the key to awareness and spiritual growth. I can remember when I had no idea I was being dishonest. I had become such a liar that I couldn't see between what was a lie and what wasn't. I still don't tell certain stories anymore due to lack of credibility as to where my head got the story from. I don't know if the story is true. There are not very many people in this world that live by the principal of honesty. Actually, almost no one except those whose lives are on some type of spiritual path. My life used to be so crazy as a direct result of my lack of a spiritual path and my lack of honesty. I lived in chaos and was comfortable there. I was so powerless over my life. Paradoxically, when I surrendered to the fact that I was not the end all be all and that I was not God, specifically, my life got easier, better and more dealable. It was like I could say things that were real again and not false. The other thing that came with dishonesty and chaos was fear. I know today that fear is false evidence appearing real, however prior to acknowledging my powerlessness, I did not know. When I got honest, things around me became clearer and now I understand that fear perpetuates my dishonesty and thirst for insanity. All I have to do is admit my powerlessness, just say it out loud, say it to myself and I feel better. Surrender to a power greater than me, aka asking for help, makes me feel better. Honesty makes me feel better. Fear goes away with honesty and I feel better. That's the point right? To be happy? I think so. I have a desire to be happy today, and all I do is surrender.
Monday, July 07, 2003
On the willows there, we hung up our lyres
So the show is finally over. Mom and Dad, Carter and Sarah came to see me on Saturday night, which was good. We all went to the best restaurant in the world, Alice's Restuarant and then to the musical. Ha, ha . . .I got the DVD player that . . .well I figured out that I was going to get and two DVD's, that was exciting. My brother gave me Legally Blonde and Dead Poet's Society. Strangly enough I like Legally Blonde. I watched it last night and now am exhausted today. And of course any one who knows me knows that I have loved the Dead Poets since the first time I saw them. I really believe that Robin should have won the Oscar for this movie, but he wasn't even nominated, which is not surprising because generally comedians do not. Not saying that they can't be, look at Tom Hanks, but generally. I hope that the DVD has the extra footage that the VHS does not. I have only ever seen the extra footage once and that was when Dead Poets was aired on TV. John gave me the most beautiful tea pitcher in the world. It is a blue and brown racoo pottery piece that just so happens to be functional. I made my first pitcher of sweet tea last night and almost set my house on fire in the process. Only I could burn the house down making sweet tea. Although I think my mother had a talent for it too. Rumor has it that my Dad ate burnt hamburger helper for the first year of their marriage. Gosh, they will be married thirty years in September! Don't see that nowadays.
Ah, now the topic at hand. Our Lyres are hung up. I am no longer a pretend disciple of a pretend Chirst. (I am a real disciple of a real Christ mind you!) There will be no more laborious sessions with a cheoreographer who has it in for me. There will be no more extensive rehearsals going over lines, blocking movements or tuning vocals. We had a very bookending type production. Apparrently, everyone thought the show was good, even on some of our worst nights. For community theatre, yes it was definitely surprising. There were no lulls or lost lines or hiccups because someone could not get off stage fast enough or the worst thing possible, having a child disrupt the production with a wave to the parents or climbing on stage for no apparent reason. The nights that we peaked as a cast were: opening and closing nights. I think that we peaked opening night because we were so excited and closing night because we were so relaxed. We knew it was over and that there would be no more director's notes or dancer's notes or, ever what. Both nights went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, all that is left is memories. There are some pictures and it was decided that the cast party would be when the cast pictures and t-shirts came in, but it will never be the same. I am sure that I will grieve to some extent, but mostly today, I will clean and sleep--two things I really have not had an opportunity to do since, what feels like, rehearsals began.
. . . I miss the kids though. . . I will miss lots of things. Goodbye GODSPELL.
So the show is finally over. Mom and Dad, Carter and Sarah came to see me on Saturday night, which was good. We all went to the best restaurant in the world, Alice's Restuarant and then to the musical. Ha, ha . . .I got the DVD player that . . .well I figured out that I was going to get and two DVD's, that was exciting. My brother gave me Legally Blonde and Dead Poet's Society. Strangly enough I like Legally Blonde. I watched it last night and now am exhausted today. And of course any one who knows me knows that I have loved the Dead Poets since the first time I saw them. I really believe that Robin should have won the Oscar for this movie, but he wasn't even nominated, which is not surprising because generally comedians do not. Not saying that they can't be, look at Tom Hanks, but generally. I hope that the DVD has the extra footage that the VHS does not. I have only ever seen the extra footage once and that was when Dead Poets was aired on TV. John gave me the most beautiful tea pitcher in the world. It is a blue and brown racoo pottery piece that just so happens to be functional. I made my first pitcher of sweet tea last night and almost set my house on fire in the process. Only I could burn the house down making sweet tea. Although I think my mother had a talent for it too. Rumor has it that my Dad ate burnt hamburger helper for the first year of their marriage. Gosh, they will be married thirty years in September! Don't see that nowadays.
Ah, now the topic at hand. Our Lyres are hung up. I am no longer a pretend disciple of a pretend Chirst. (I am a real disciple of a real Christ mind you!) There will be no more laborious sessions with a cheoreographer who has it in for me. There will be no more extensive rehearsals going over lines, blocking movements or tuning vocals. We had a very bookending type production. Apparrently, everyone thought the show was good, even on some of our worst nights. For community theatre, yes it was definitely surprising. There were no lulls or lost lines or hiccups because someone could not get off stage fast enough or the worst thing possible, having a child disrupt the production with a wave to the parents or climbing on stage for no apparent reason. The nights that we peaked as a cast were: opening and closing nights. I think that we peaked opening night because we were so excited and closing night because we were so relaxed. We knew it was over and that there would be no more director's notes or dancer's notes or, ever what. Both nights went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, all that is left is memories. There are some pictures and it was decided that the cast party would be when the cast pictures and t-shirts came in, but it will never be the same. I am sure that I will grieve to some extent, but mostly today, I will clean and sleep--two things I really have not had an opportunity to do since, what feels like, rehearsals began.
. . . I miss the kids though. . . I will miss lots of things. Goodbye GODSPELL.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Let's go to the Movies. . .
So I have seen two very disappointing movies here lately. I was waiting on John to come and get me for our date last night and began to watch my second movie I rented. The first was The HOURS. Ugh. That was hard to watch. I had heard that it was a woman's movie so I was kind of excited with no expectations as to what the movie would be about. Not impressed. This movie will never make it as a Green Family Hit. It was very well acted. It was very well filmed. It was an aweful story. Virgina Wolf. . .is depressing. Ms.Dalloway. . . makes Va look like a fairy tale. Anyway, I am sure that the Indigo Girls liked the movie seeing as they had a song written in dedication to Mrs. Wolf, however, she is not my cup of tea. Female discovery or female relationships, love, romance, both comedic or chick flick....these make a movie a woman's movie, not putting a nose on Nicole Kidman so that she looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. Sorry, I feel very stongly about it. THEN, things got worse. I am waiting on John last night and decide to cozy into an Adam Sandler make you smile flick, Punch Drunk Love. Ick. My day was so happy yesterday, as happy as birthdays are supposed to be, except for this movie. It was a cross between Thirteen Conversations and any other Adam Sandler movie. There was no punch to it and I am unwilling to be drunk to see if it has a better effect. Ah, well at least I rented these two aborhorious (is that a word?) movies on a rent one get one free coupon. That makes me feel better. I didn't get to see the end of Punch Drunk, which I don't guess I ever will, because they are due today and I am not willing to re-rent. That is the convienent thing about renting. I don't feel bad if I don't see the whole movie. In the theatre, I would feel obligated to see the whole thing due to the cost of the ticket. The weird thing about my movie store though is that they are no longer offering the same selection for VHS as they are for DVD. DVD's have it by a mile. So some movies I have to go home to the folks house to see. I love movies so much. It is like . . . being in another world for two hours. I did like the little boy who played Richard as a little boy in THE HOURS. I think he should be Ender. Great eyes. Lots of expression. Definitely Ender.
So I have seen two very disappointing movies here lately. I was waiting on John to come and get me for our date last night and began to watch my second movie I rented. The first was The HOURS. Ugh. That was hard to watch. I had heard that it was a woman's movie so I was kind of excited with no expectations as to what the movie would be about. Not impressed. This movie will never make it as a Green Family Hit. It was very well acted. It was very well filmed. It was an aweful story. Virgina Wolf. . .is depressing. Ms.Dalloway. . . makes Va look like a fairy tale. Anyway, I am sure that the Indigo Girls liked the movie seeing as they had a song written in dedication to Mrs. Wolf, however, she is not my cup of tea. Female discovery or female relationships, love, romance, both comedic or chick flick....these make a movie a woman's movie, not putting a nose on Nicole Kidman so that she looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. Sorry, I feel very stongly about it. THEN, things got worse. I am waiting on John last night and decide to cozy into an Adam Sandler make you smile flick, Punch Drunk Love. Ick. My day was so happy yesterday, as happy as birthdays are supposed to be, except for this movie. It was a cross between Thirteen Conversations and any other Adam Sandler movie. There was no punch to it and I am unwilling to be drunk to see if it has a better effect. Ah, well at least I rented these two aborhorious (is that a word?) movies on a rent one get one free coupon. That makes me feel better. I didn't get to see the end of Punch Drunk, which I don't guess I ever will, because they are due today and I am not willing to re-rent. That is the convienent thing about renting. I don't feel bad if I don't see the whole movie. In the theatre, I would feel obligated to see the whole thing due to the cost of the ticket. The weird thing about my movie store though is that they are no longer offering the same selection for VHS as they are for DVD. DVD's have it by a mile. So some movies I have to go home to the folks house to see. I love movies so much. It is like . . . being in another world for two hours. I did like the little boy who played Richard as a little boy in THE HOURS. I think he should be Ender. Great eyes. Lots of expression. Definitely Ender.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Did you know that 63.25356% of all statistics are made up?
This is one of my favorite birthday cards. My brother gave it to me two years ago today for my 25th b'day. He always knows what makes me laugh. He is one of the few people that can bring me to tears through laughter. Birthdays are always good for me. I can just hear my Dad in the background now "do you know when you were born. . .there was a nurse who came out to tell me of your birth, of course back then, I wasn't allowed into the room with your mother, and he was oriental or something, and he said 'Mr. Gleen, Mr. Gleen, yu have a dotter, yu have a dotter, Mr. Gleen' and I was so happy!" My Mom and Dad tell me that every year on my birthday. Thank you. It is good to know the story of my birth. Or maybe I think that because I have been told the story so many times. It makes me grateful for my birth though, because I know that my parents love and want me. Hmmm. . .It's good to be old. I can officially call myself old because I am over twenty five now and am not quite thirty. I am in those middle years which no one can seem to figure out. Happy Birthday goes out to Princess Diana too, who was born today. I think she and I were switched at birth, which is why I have so many princess tendencies.....some people call it high maintenance, I like princess tendencies better. Oh, what the day will bring....I am excited.
This is one of my favorite birthday cards. My brother gave it to me two years ago today for my 25th b'day. He always knows what makes me laugh. He is one of the few people that can bring me to tears through laughter. Birthdays are always good for me. I can just hear my Dad in the background now "do you know when you were born. . .there was a nurse who came out to tell me of your birth, of course back then, I wasn't allowed into the room with your mother, and he was oriental or something, and he said 'Mr. Gleen, Mr. Gleen, yu have a dotter, yu have a dotter, Mr. Gleen' and I was so happy!" My Mom and Dad tell me that every year on my birthday. Thank you. It is good to know the story of my birth. Or maybe I think that because I have been told the story so many times. It makes me grateful for my birth though, because I know that my parents love and want me. Hmmm. . .It's good to be old. I can officially call myself old because I am over twenty five now and am not quite thirty. I am in those middle years which no one can seem to figure out. Happy Birthday goes out to Princess Diana too, who was born today. I think she and I were switched at birth, which is why I have so many princess tendencies.....some people call it high maintenance, I like princess tendencies better. Oh, what the day will bring....I am excited.
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