Oatmeal Cookies

There is a new fad theory going around that I first saw in Matrix: God is a black woman baking cookies. Now that has shown up in a book that is "all the rage." Now, I don't know that God has color, humanity or knows how to bake, but I do know that cookies make life better.

I have had lots of painful changes in relationships lately. My feelings have blown my hair back and my eyes are tired of cryin. I really needed some time to feel good. Something that had nothing to do with going to school or church. I needed something good with someone I loved.

Last night, my husband and I spent time with each other and no one else. We are slowly creeping up on our second anniversary and there seems to be a soft spot forming in both of our hearts. Last night we thought about driving to another city that had a nice restaurant, spend $60 on a dinner and drive back. Instead, we got all dressed up, went to IGA and bought steaks. My husband makes a mean rib-eye and was willing to make the steaks, which is good seeing as my ability to cook steaks is limited. We were having such a good time. As he was cooking the steaks, I started making cookies: oatmeal raisin cookies.

I have never made oatmeal raisin cookies before and I don't know that you can buy a mix for them. They are kind of from scratch kinda cookies. As I got everything mixed, it was time to eat. We ate dinner and went back to the cookies. John had so much fun reading his psych book while waiting on the end product. I was on the phone with a pigeon. It was so good. Baking cookies, spending time with John, helping someone else. It felt like, it was good. It felt like home.

What a great thing cookies are. What a great memory was created by baking them. What a wonderful taste to have as you put them in your mouth hot, fresh from the oven. I know why people want God to bake cookies, it is because it feels so good.

Relationships change. The world changes. The only thing constant is change.

Bleh.

I have the spins from so much change. If you've ever had the spins, then you know what I mean. It is a place where you are so sick that you really need to throw up, but you can't throw up. It is when you have drank so much you can't stand up and want to pass out, but when you lay on the bed, the spins set in and you have to stand up. So there is only one thing to do...force yourself to throw up or take one more shot to pass out.

Since I am not drunk. The spins are not real. It is just how I feel if I sit still for a moment instead of doing something like cooking or cleaning or going to school or sleeping. My emotions are totally whacked out. I had a very important relationship "change" this weekend. Mostly I think that is horse shit. I think I got dumped. It's like being "laid off" instead of being fired: either way you are out of a job. I got dumped by my mentor. She has been in my life prominently for the last eight years. She is the one who taught me how to be sober and how to be a God seeker. She has taught me how to pay bills, clean my house, go to work, be a wife. And now she wants to "change" our relationship. She wants to "just be friends." Just be friends? Is that not the line when people break up with each other? It's like "I need my space." WHAT is that? Horseshit, it is what it is: horseshit.

Spins...I've got the spins.

I am hurt and confused, fearful and angry. I am happy because I have found a new mentor who is awesome. I am down right excited and can't not stop thinking how cool my life is going to be with her guidance. I am ready to cry in an instant given good enough opportunity. Yet, if I cry anymore than I already have, I may not have any tears left for whatever comes next!

What's worse, is I can't help wondering if what my former mentor taught me is totally worthless? Maybe it means nothing? Maybe it wasn't really her teaching me, and what was hers that she taught was just the same as she left me: horseshit? My head says no, what she taught me is valid and worthy; my life is exponentially better because of her God given words. But my heart tells me she is full of it.

I have the spins and what does my husband tell me? Put your foot down. You stop spinning.

Ugh. I wish.

My farm dog has gotten a dead calf...

yes, that is a part of a calf's skull...

ah, life on the farm!

There is nothing like helping someone else to get out of myself. I am in the middle of an accounting test right now. I had the first half in class and the second half is take home. I finished a paper last night and turned it in at 11 pm via email. Only thing is that my prof is supposed to get one email from the group (it was a paper for a group). She got two. Turns out the crazy in my group got a little crazy and sent an email too. So, I ended up staying awake until 1 pm knowing that it was done wrong. Wondering what my prof was going to think about two emails or which one she would grade. This is the end of my week. The begining started with a test in Fraud. So...needless to say, I have been in my head lately.

Today, I got to do flowers for the church. It was great. I also got to talk to someone about learning to take care of themselves. It is not easy being so open and honest with another person. Not to mention when the talkin is about the hard stuph. I have never had someone come to me before who was so willing to change. She is trying to do what anyone and everyone is telling her to live a better life. Here is she is asking me for specifics on the better life. Me? Giving advice on how to live a better life. Amazing.

As we began to talk about prayer and meditation, service and unity, seeking God...the flower arrangements came to life. Once the arrangements were done, so was our conversation. Strangely as we parted ways, I realized not once had I pondered my academics or other people's behavior or just outright nonsense. Me helping her helped God to help me. Now I am back in a place where grades don't really matter, other people's behavior is none of my business and I am hanging out with my friends at Gertie Mae's just being me. I am in my favorite hat, with my favorite friend in my favorite place. Only thing for icing on the cake is a little bit of Sweetwater on my way home.

Nothing like working with others.

I like her because she smiles at me and always says hello.

I am not someone who is...fuzzy. There are those people who no matter where they are and who they are with, everybody likes them and are very attractive people. They smile a lot. They don't cast opinions. They have a host of friends, some true, some distant. But everyone likes them. I am not one of those people.

Generally, I am intimidating. I know of people who are honestly afraid of me. I am overbearing. I am SOSOSOO opinionated. I am egotistic with some support to be. I really believe that if you so choose to piss me off, I will eat you. Eat you whole.

Women find this harsh and usually after dealing with me, eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's icecream to make the pain go away. Men, just stay away, because I am married. I really only have two male friends, one of which is a political rival and the other a spiritual giant. Then there is my best male friend and I married him so I guess he is more eerrrrr than me.

I do have some good traits, but you have to get through the mess to get to the good stuph and getting there can be more painful for you than you are willing to experience. NOW. This being said...confessed.

A flip side to my abrasiveness is that I am without a doubt social. I go to the parties. I go to the dinners. I am the one with the address list for any event. Flutterbug, that's me. The way that I stay out of trouble is by not staying social too long with one group of people. Only the few, far and inbetween get real time (ie Megan, Sherry, Debbie, just to name a few).

I don't know how this cocktail of a person (that would be me) was concocted, but my guess is Irony, was the key ingrediant.

What I am trying to say is that vulnerability is not my strong suit.

Lately, I got very vunerable with a new woman in my life. With that vunerability came expectations. Expectations, in case you don't know, are premeditated resentments. And my resentment has lasted for months....yes, months. I expect for someone to know that when I am being vunerable with them, they are to honor, treasure, care about that. And in return, they are to be my friend. I have never really tried it that way before, but my understanding is that this is the way it is done. (As opposed to the swimming through the painful mess to get to me.)

I am still hurt today. At least once a day, I feel the hurt. It is a screwed up sense of rejection. I am hurt because a friendship has not been returned despite my honesty and openess. What's worse was that in the process of trying to learn about this new woman she managed to smack me emotionally and verbally as well. I am totally open to continuing the relationship after we worked that out, but she is just...she left. And she doesn't smile at me or say hello any more. I have tons of women in my life who fill my life with love, joy, sadness, smiles, laughter...friendship. And I am hurt, still because she left.

I have huge fears too of her using my vunerability against me. My head tells me it would have been easier to be mean to her. My hurt is not so great today as it was before I confessed my sins before God and another human being, but about once a day...when I am not looking...a sucker punch of anger, fear and old fashioned little girl hurt feelings. Now it only lasts a few minutes as opposed to hours. I am sure that if I continue to pray to God for her Health, Happiness and Prosperity and to relieve my fear, that it will go away completely except the times someone brings it up. And one day, it will be something I can use to help someone else through the same thing. I mean if the experience isn't so that I can help someone else, what's the point, right?

I just wish...she hadn't treated me like a friend for the moments that we tried to be friends, if she was going to go away. It is a painful thing. Worse than with someone physically leaving, because I see her every once in a while. At least if she physically left, I wouldn't have to see her anymore. That would be nice. It would speed this process up. Maybe I should have given this entry the header: Please excuse our mess, growth in process.

Today's Lesson in Cooking: Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies From Crisco, per Vicki D.

Needed ingredients:

3/4 cup (3/4 stick) Crisco Shortening
1 1/4 cups firmly packed light brown sugar
2 Tbs milk
1 Tbs vanilla

1 egg
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup coarsely chopped pecans (optional)*

Heat oven to 375. Place sheets of foil on counter top for cooling cookies.

Combine Crisco, brown sugar, milk and vanilla in large bowl. Beat at med speed of electric mixer until well blended. Beat egg into creamed mixture. Combine flour, salt and baking soda. Mix into creamed mix just until blended. Stir in chocolate chips and pecans.

Drop rounded tbs of dough 3'' apart onto un-greased baking sheet. Bake on baking sheet at 375 for 8-10 min for chewy cookies, 11-13 for crisp. DO NOT OVER BAKE. Cool 2 min on baking sheet, remove cookies to foil to cool completely. Makes 3 dzn.

This smells unbelievable in case your curious.

In the city, where I was raised, if you wanted cookies, you bought cookies. If you just HAD to bake cookies, you bought a package of pre-made cookie dough, prepped the oven and dropped them on a pan. Poof, cookies. The excess was stored in the fridge for those midnight sneaked spoonfuls in response to a break-up with a boyfriend. There has never been any such thing as "homemade" cookies for me.

Now, I live in the country:
Since moving here, I have been told that there is life without Crisco. Where ever it says Crisco, you can use butter, I've been told. Now I was raised on Crisco in cases of baking. Not butter. Somehow, in my mixed up head, I have associated Crisco with city: butter with country. Well, I live in the country now, any questions ask the cows outside of my window.

So for this "needs improvement" episode, I didn't quite follow the directions: I used butter because I'm in the country. Yes, that really is my reasoning.

I also decided after several scrapings of pans, to lightly grease the cookie sheet. AND I used dark brown sugar, because that is what I had.

It felt good. I used a wooden spoon and sprinkled the flour in little by little. I mixed and could feeeeeelllll the Luvvvv. That's my favorite part of homemade.

I dropped the cookie dough on the pan at 375 for 8-10 minutes only to pull out.....not cookies. The dough is cooked, but they looked like splats of cookies instead of cookies. Splats are wide messes that look a bit like pancakes, but with that cookie-esk-ness. I scoop the mess off the sheet into a bowl. (Which by the way, scooped onto a plate, about the size a cookie might be, with a small scoop of ice cream is great!)

Hmmm...must be the non-Crisco. So I add the Crisco to the rest of the batch. The batch changes color to something I recognize as the cookie dough from the cans! Woohoo. I'm in business. I drop the cookie dough on the pan at 375 for 8-10 minutes....

Splat. AHA!! I still have he grease on the pan, it must be making the dough run all over the place. So I clean the pan thoroughly, drop the dough and go. 8-10 minutes later.....

Splat.

I don't know what Crisco's got that butter doesn't, but I'm guessing it is a special ingrediant called: anti-splatter batter.

Cooking with Rachel K

On today's menu, we have Vicki D's Brunswick Stew. Below are the ingrediants you will need to make the ultimate stew.

1 can cream corn
1 can whole corn
2 cans stewed tomatoes (original recipe)
1 small bottle of ketchup
1 large white meat chunk chicken
2 cans Castelberry's BBQ pork in BBQ sauce
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 lb. ground beef
1 onion

Brown gr bf in skillet w/onion chopped. Combine everything in large pot. Cook on low/med for a few hours until bubbly.

In my world, I have always recieved an "N" from my elementary school teachers in "follows instructions." "N" is for needs improvement. SO with that thought in mind, we enter my kitchen.

Upon shopping for the goods yesterday, I could not find Castleberry's BBQ Pork so instead I bought...something else. I realized that maybe it did not have BBQ sauce in the pulled pork, so I bought some Sweet Baby Ray's bbq sauce ( the best bbq sauce in the universe). Today, I browned the beef and onion, but realized that I was probably supposed to drain it prior to dumping it in the pot. Oh, also I don't have a pot that big except the crock pot so...it's in the crock pot. I don' know if this is right either, but oh well. I also bought a can of tomato sauce instead of ketchup. I also forgot to get the chicken. I realized this when I was dumping the ingrediants in the pot. I turned the pot on Low. Finally, I added a hour on the fb in combo of a telephone call to my cousin Jenny. I think this is an especially important part because it is the luv in my culinary art.


So today in the kitchen of Rachel K we have Brunswick Stew per Vicki D...sortof.

The Culprit

A European Hornet, aka a "Japanese Hornet"

My normal unstung hand.

My not so normal, fevered hand

48 Hours after being stung in the ring finger

+ two Benedrils doses

+four Zertec doses

+ one Steroid Shot

In case you are curious, this is my hand looking better than it did originally.