Mental Illness has been the topic of my tv viewing twice in one week. Being mentally ill compels me to write about it. Both of the vids I saw pointed out that being mentally ill does not excuse the behavior of the mentally ill person.

The first video was of Jason Brooks the NYTimes writer who faked out the world. He claimed in an interview on FOX that he didn't want his mental illness to excuse his actions, that what he did was wrong and he intended to tell the world about his experience. He was interviewed just prior to going to teach a seminar on ethics. Who better to teach about unethical behavior than someone who has been unethical and immoral?

The second video was one of my favorite tv shows, Law & Order SVU. The prosecutor, Kasey, spares a man's life because he is schizophrenic and was off his meds when he raped and nearly killed several little girls. When on his meds, his actions were so horrific to himself that he tried to kill himself. He feels responsible, guilty and convicted on his own conscience without any regard for what the state thinks. She states that one day maybe he will be able to forgive himself because he's not responsible. "Oh, aren't I?" he retorts...

I have a mental illness. When intoxicated I do things that I would never do when sober. I have behaved in incomprehensible pitifully demoralizing ways. In order to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, I had to do some real self searching, level my pride and confession of sin for a successful consummation. This discipline allowed me to right the wrongs of my past so I can stand tall and look the world in the eye without any remorse, guilt or conviction. I have assumed the responsibility for my past and now use it to help others know that they too can get better.

My professor saw Mr. Brooks as a sorry s.o.b. who would never amount to anything and should never be trusted. There was no room for forgiveness on my profs part. All I could think was that I would never tell my prof about who I really was because who knows if he would forgive me for my sins? The character Kasey instantly recognized the mental illness and found compassion in her heart to excuse the schizophrenic for his heinous acts despite his own repugnance for himself. Some days I wonder if I can ever forgive myself too.

I hear over and over this question:

Is mental illness a moral issue?

Some days it is and some days it isn't. I find that when my mental illness is in remission my actions are absolutely a moral issue, but when I am in the thick of my disease I cannot not drink. I cannot not be a stark raving lunatic. I go bezerk some days off of my own thinking without ever taking a drink and it is just all mentally irrational thinking: very similar to a skitzoid's. It is a very thin line. Skitzos can take pills and their mental illness subsides, a bit. There is no pill for me. There is no cure. There has only ever been one solution ever offered that seems to work on my mental illness. Most people find the solution to be a farce. These people really believe mental illness to be a moral dilemma. They believe that it is about will power that I am able to be a useful member of society. As much as my ego would like to let me believe that I am truly that strong of a person, I humbly recognize that I am just not that powerful.

The only solution I have ever experienced that has arrested my mental despair is just so simple people don't believe me when I tell them unless they seek it for themselves. It is because there are those who believe and then there are those who experience. The only solution available for my particular mental defect is the Grace of God.

If God's Grace is the only solution, does that make the problem moral? or mental?

Is God's Grace a moral issue?

"Become willing to meet the challenge of taking responsibility for yourself."
~Language of Letting Go, Melanie Beattie

Willingness is not something I come by easy. Mostly, I don't want to do anything I don't want to do. I have been stuck in the mind of my two year old self for thirty-one years. Generally speaking, the way I become willing is through pain. When I first came through the threshold of pain, the pain was severe. A lot of people have died as a result of the pain I experienced in my life. I was lost, alone, drunk, felt completely separated from God and thoroughly hopeless. I was empty, void, numb, comfortable in my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain. And then, finally, when the pain was too great, I became willing. I can hear Dad saying "willing to do what?that doesn't make any sense to me". Willing to do whatever anyone told me to do to get out of the despair, bewilderment, terror and frustration.

I became willing to change.

Today, my pain threshold is not all that high. Mostly, people point things out to me and I am willing to try something different. Sometimes it takes a little insanity before I become willing to change, i.e. I try over and over again to believe that if I send signals to John, he will get the message but inevitably he is incapable of reading my mind and I have to tell him directly what I need or want. He just doesn't have that esp in him. Although time and time again, I think he does.

Responsibility is something people have always told me that I have. I have been babysitting since I was 12 and have yet to get away from it. Just last week I babysat a cat. I have a hard time thinking that I am responsible.

Part of becoming responsible for myself is finding out who I am. I had to find out what was true for me and what wasn't. What worked for me and what didn't. What was mine and what wasn't. I found my defects of character and ask God to remove them. I found my assets and use them to be of service to God and others. Once I know more about myself, I can own my actions. I can be responsible.

I take more responsibility for myself today than I did yesterday. Each day I make a new self discovery. I find I develop through prayer and meditation, through taking the time each day to talk and listen to God. This God-consciousness gives me the ability to be willing instead of having to suffer through pain. It is an easier, softer way. My actions are easier to take responsibility for because they are not so harmful as they once were. It's interesting how when I continually grasp onto the conscious contact with God, things in my life get better.

Butterflies and Birthdays

I have been making these butterflies all day. These are just a few. They are mostly glitter, paint and construction paper. They are not hard to make, just fairly time consuming. Butterflies have always symbolized metamorphosis to me. Having had a spiritual awakening that was without doubt life changing, I have come to find a small fixation with the butterfly. That whole process of change is ever present in my manner of living these days. I am making these particular butterflies for a women's retreat I am going on this weekend. There are sixteen women and we are supposed to bring something for each of them to put in their box. Don't know exactly what that means yet, but am looking forward to it just the same. I am on the broke side so I am making my something to go in the box. Since this is my butterfly month (I am 33 and I haven't taken a drink in 9 years) I decided to share. I will write scripture or inspirational poems or something warm and fuzzy about change on each one of them.

I can remember being touched when I was younger by an artists' rendering of doubting Thomas in a sand sculpture. I know that I have not just doubted my Lord, I have rejected Him. I was sitting in tonight listening to a few friends talk about making amends. To amend means to make it right. It doesn't mean I'm sorry. To make it right. I don't know if I can ever make it right for rejecting God. I do know that every morning and every night I embrace Him with prayers of gratitude, petition for me and others, of praise. I try my best through out my mundane day to hold His "hand" and thank Him when I see His presence. This is not the life I used to lead, but it is the life I lead today. It is a discipline that I have achieved as a result of a lot of pain and a little guidance. I can only imagine that as a caterpillar is wrapped inside that cocoon, at some point it becomes so uncomfortable that it has no choice but to break out and be a butterfly. That is my life in a nutshell, I was so uncomfortable, I had no choice but to be the butterfly God would have me be.

"What can you do today to stand together and believe with and for one another?"


Today I stand shoulder to shoulder with my friends, trusting in God, practicing spiritual principles. Today I pray. I pray for those who are sick and suffering, in great pain, those who are mentally ill, those who are in such need of God's grace that they know not what they do. Today I can love, give comfort, not judge, just listen. Today I can show someone what God's grace did for me and not just tell them what I think it can do for them. Today I can stand, hand in hand with others and have faith not just through my thoughts or words, but also in deeds. Today I am honest, openminded, faithful, courageous, have integrity, willingness and humility, have brotherly love, discipline and awareness of God and most importantly: I am of service to God and my fellows.

Grief is... undescribable.

Growing up my Dad used to say to me, "do what your told and don't give me any grief." I still don't really know what that means.

I do know that grief is a feeling like a twisted heart. It makes you cry, it makes you stay very, very still. It makes me want to scream and hit. It makes me hope

that if I just smile a little brighter,
make a better grade,
be a better leader,
stand strong in my self,


it will please just
go away.


Its having my insides just up and dump out on the floor when I least expect it.

Initially, I thought I was going to die it was so painful. That was eight months ago. These days it is a thought that just makes my eyes water with a painful smile that comes across my face in hopes that no one will notice or know of the reminder. I continue to experience things each day and there are days, not every day but some days, when I think she is not here to see this, hear this, know this, experience this with me. WHY did She Go?

Then there are other days that are the greatest day of my life. I work, laugh, play, love with no attachment to the past or the loss. I move on and she is not a part nor do I feel like she is supposed to be. I don't notice. There is no shadow, no tug, there is no wonder.

I know that one day it will just be a story. Something I can tell someone else and let them know that there is change, that life becomes okay again and that while relationships end I don't have to. I can keep going, keep playing, creating, loving and maybe share all of it with someone new.

And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.

I was working with a woman today on not drinking. It has overwhelmed me with the things that I remember when I share myself with someone else. On a daily basis, I forget the horror through which I survived until I share it with someone else who needs to know hope. She needed to know there was something worth working for and I know there is: I have lived it. I am living proof there is a miracle for all of us. I am a burning bush, on fire and not consumed. More importantly, I have the ability to give love to someone else today through sharing the debacles of my life and how I got through them.

Sometimes I don't remember in my drinking. Lots of missing information in my mind. I will sit here and think and think and think and try desperately to bring back an event I have been told about and there is just nothing. Nothing. I can't do anything about to hell I have raised and don't remember. Strangely, remembering nothing brings hope to her because she has periods of blackouts too. She knows that if I can not drink, she can not drink.

I can remember thinking that I was the only one who couldn't get themselves together. That I would be the one people referred to as a real drunk. I would be that drunk woman at the bar that night. I would be the only one who was unsuccessful, who vanished because of a drunk driving accident. I would be the one who people forgot.

I was in a storm all the time. I drank thinking it would stop that storm not knowing that was part of what was causing the storm. If I could just...not...drink...

Who knew?

There is a miniscule chance that I will never take a drink again for the rest of my life.

A slim chance. Here's to love's recovery.

I read a blog today that had a guest poster who was a journalist. His outlook on life seemed...bleak, at best. He was 28, single, well educated. His balloon of hope had been burst as a result of surviving his twenties. That fantasy that reality was a storybook was overwhelmed by the reality that has set in from the global issues he has entangled himself in as a result of...idk exactly.

I can remember coming to that realization that the world was full of it. I was angry, hostile, bitter, unable to complete a sentence without four letter words sometimes using them in the middle of words (except in front of my Mom for fear of abandonment). I was confused, overwhelmed, unsure of myself or my surroundings. Nothing made sense and the only thing I could see was others and their stuph. I couldn't see me. I didn't want to see me. No one else did either! for that matter!

I had to seek Love to find me. When I finally stumbled onto myself after a few years of uncovering, discovering and discarding, I had to go through a process to learn how to be me. It was strange. I continued to seek Love in my life. I found myself Loving those who are easy to love, those who everyone Loved. Then as I continued to practice being me, I found compassion for others with great capacity available within me. Then one day, I found that Love for me. It has only been recently that I have begun Loving myself. Loving me the way God would Love me. Whew, it is hard. I want to judge me, put me down, feel less than you, pity me, greater than you and arrogant with force. I want, I want, I want. But when I love me with God's Love. There is no defect of character, only perfection in imperfection.

Now I am sure you noticed that there is nothing about the world in my last paragraph. Because when I am focused on God and His Love, the rest of the world fades to grey.

I had a man who led a Disciple Now for my group when I was in 9th grade at Carla Dobbins house. He had a glass full of sand and several ping pong balls. When the sand is in the glass there is no way to get all the ping pong balls in the glass. We got two in the sand filled glass. When the ping pong balls go in the glass first, the sand fills in around them and meets the brim. The illustration has become paramount in my life today. When I put God first in my life, the world fills in the cracks, but is no longer dominant.

All those reality crushing heartbreaks the young man was going through just because he could only focus on the world and not God, it was a painful post for me to read. It reminded me of the hell I have been through and that I never want to go through again. Today, I have a choice: Seek God or be swallowed by the hell of despair. I choose to be a Seeker. I hope the young man Seeks Love too.

God Bless me, Bless me indeed, Bless me a lot,
Enlarge my territory
Lay Your hand upon me that I may not cause harm,
Guide me as I go throughout this day,
Thy will not mine, be done

I say this prayer every morning. I think I came up with it when the Jabez prayer became so popular. I am not sure it is the actual prayer of Jabez, but it is some form of it that I remember. Here lately, I have been in a place of a larger territory than I have known in a while, partially literally. And while the territory it expanding, I am not quite used to it and mostly just feel stretched out.

Growing pains?

All of it, for the first time in a long, long time is good growth. I have had so much growth that was to "overcome" the odds, that this kind of growth is unfamiliar. It is having friends who know me, but not so much and being able to love them for who they are and not for what they do. As a result, I have great relationships. It is being able to continue old relationships that I thought would never go on and on, yet they do. Then I come to find that they have changed and it is just okay. Change is not so scary after all. It is finding someone who has been there all this time, watching me, loving me and being the brother God had picked out for me and stumbling onto the relationship as though it were new and fresh despite knowing him for a decade. As I look inward on this relationship with this new/old brother, I realize I love him too. What a great feeling to have such a raw emotion, a vunerable place to be with another person who would have never been the one expected. It is growing back into the comfort of laughter with my husband again. Knowing that who we were surfaces despite poverty, absence, death defying acts of car dodging in the street and that we just love to be with each other in the midst of all of it, and we laugh. It is wondering if I will ever have time for all these people in my life while I am pursuing this path God has set in front of me? Large growth.

I am hoping that the territory that God has enlarged is actually a garden of my soul. That maybe just maybe I am growing some really cool flowers that only come up to bloom once a year and then others that are just plain Rae: blue hydrangeas. It kinda feels that way as I go from person to person. Some are hydrangeas others yellow roses, and still more are butterfly bushes or some strange wild orchid. Which are you?

I have been so busy lately it knocks the breath out of me when I take it all in. I know that I had a spring break from school, but there are so many other things that I am overwhelmed to think that I will do all this and school too next week. My daily routine has something booked for every hour of the day.

Today was a great day, today I had morning plans and evening plans but no plans in between. Just me and nothing and nobody. When my hubby got home from running errands he had gone off and bought me a new necklace. Woohoo! What a great Saturday gift! It is a hippy necklace with an amber center piece. I love it. He got it from the hippy folks at Sweetwater. Gotta love sweetwater. Definitely making a stop there tomorrow prior the break being officially over.

I think about those people who have those pda's and are all organized with their lives and wonder if I am ever going to be one of those people. Those people who have time to book their lives in a pda. I just go. I don't think or plan or any of that nonsense I just go.

My Monday starts early with prayer and meditation, goes to work out at school, go to class, go to work, go to coffee for asc, go to the farm to study for test, work on papers, close with prayers and go to bed. Go, Go, Go.

I remember being like this when I was 16 or so. I loved it. My life was full. My God was present. My happiness was great and there was no time to think or get in trouble. That is why I am so grateful for my go today. Going means growing means God means my life just keeps gettin better.

John and I have not seen a lot of each other lately despite being in the same 20x20 space. I have been sick. He has had finals (two A's in his classes, btw). I have had friends to help. He has friends to help. I am asleep before he ever even starts to get to bed. So Thursday and Friday, after work and school, we made time for each other. No one else, no other phone calls, just to catch up. After all, all we've done for weeks is sleep next to each other. Thursday we went out to a really nice dinner in Dahlonega. Friday we went to a movie. Normally we'd do this all in one night, but we did still have school and work.

The movie is what I wanted to talk about (surprise). We saw Watchmen. It has all maybe up and coming actors in it, all of whom I recognized but none of who I could name. The one I liked the most was the return of the badass kid from Bad News Bears who has been on drugs since that movie and is back. Finally. The film had been panned in all the reviews, but it was that or nothing so, whatever.

The Watchmen is a lengthy, disturbing piece fragmently done by the same director as 300. I thought it would be more computerized than it was, but mostly it was a dark graphic novel. The director left no room for imagination drawing out every detail including the sex scene which was just short of a porn scene. There was some amazing art that came out of the movie. Several scene that appeared drawn out of a comic, but apparently film. They will make for great posters on college kids walls. It is not one I would ever see again or even buy from the $5 bin.

The part that I liked, was the plot line. The concept that superhero's aren't so super. That they have human traits that are super sized. The main prescence was the Comedian. He was an ironic charater that created chaos, had no conscience, and nothing about him was all that funny. Everyone seemed to hate him actually. Then there was the Silk Stockings, the female superhero, who was a slut and a drunk. What a contraversy: superheroes with super character defects. How could they believe in a God? They were gods. It was like they were lost. Even more interesting they all aged. I don't know that WonderWoman has ever aged in my mind. I would assume that she is Wonderful forever, immortal. But the Watchmen are every bit humanized. The most interesting and greatest painter because he liked hacking on folks due to his cracked psychosis, was Rorschach. WOW. This guy had the best lines in the movie ie "you think I am locked in here with you, what you don't know is you are locked in here with me." He then proceeds to burning a guy with fryer grease shortly thereafter. He was the psycho of psycho. His irony was contained in his unrelenting loyalty to the saving of the human race. Crazy sob with a purpose. My kinda guy. The character development was tremendous by every actor. The sets being in a twisted 1985 (Nixon was still president) were very well done. The throwbacks to Dr. Strangelove were appreciated. The cracks at our own history were not really all that funny, but a nice touch. The costumes were on the mark down to the earrings.

I am still thinking about the movie and it is long gone. Maybe I will buy it in the $5 bin.

Okay, so this one took a long time fo rme to watch. I skipped over American Psycho because it is a bad movie and was about to skip Anne too because it is a long movie and then...and then, I got sick. Whenever I am sick for sure, PBS has Anne of Green Gables on tv. So I didn't ACTUally watch the movie I own, rather the tv, but whatever. I watched both Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea which I own both. Did I mention that I LOVE ANNE? Well I do. So this review is slightly useless because everything I think is that it is awesome and great and perfect for every little girl who has ever had an imagination, felt a little different and wants to overcome. Anne of Green Gables is the epitome of family movie. Unfortunately, it is 8 hours long. Anne of Avonlea is also amazing, but also 8 hours. So if you want to watch it from end to end, then you are talking 16 hours. The only time I am able to sit still for 16 hours these days is when I am sick. And I am sick. I was so glad it was on tv. Made me feel like I was at home with Mom.

This is where my West Wing obssession began, all with this movie. It is written by Aaron Sorkin, which makes it awesome. It is directed by Rob Reiner, making it a great romance. It has Michael Douglas, Annette Benning and Michael Fox, making it a great cast. This is one of those movies that I watch and always, always, always feel better after I've watched it. If you are looking for a good v-day movie (since it costs WAY too much to go out right now), this is it. If you have never seen this movie before and want to get all the jokes, you have to see it twice. Also, it helps (according to some g-friends) not to drink wine while trying to watch Aaron Sorkin's work. He has a tendency to go quickly and you need all your brains in order to participate.

This movie was much more viewer friendly after my last flick. It is a great romantic comedy. I highly recommend it. I think right now it is in the $13 bin at the Wally World. Totally worth the while. Watch it, love it.

I'm sure you can tell by the poster, this movie is not a family friendly piece. I can't remember how I found out about this film. I remember it being in a conversation with a friend, after it was out of theaters. I can't imagine seeing this film on the big screen. I am not sure it was something that even played in many theaters in the city because of its graphic nature and rigorous, brutal truths. The visuals in this film are beautifully disturbing. The plot line of the film is a rehabilitated skin head, Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) trying to save his brother (Edward Furlong) from the crooked path of the hate and violence within the culture of the white power movement. There are two scenes in this movie that are poignant and artfully done, but unfortunately severe. One is of the racial murder Derek Vinyard (Norton) commits and the other of him being raped in prison.

Edward Norton should have won an Oscar for the performance. Norton projected enough anger that the audience could feel his seething hatred through the screen, his path to redemption is equally stirring, hopeful and real. The movie is shot in black in white to represent the past aligning Derek's character with old beliefs, motives, understandings and anger. The other half of the film is in color masterfully allowing the desperate nature of Derek to change flourish. While black and white film has it's limits, it is a perfect contrast for the white on everyone racial violence that occurs as result of Derek's brainwashed, deluded, powerful thinking. The color filming allows the audience some peace, and break the tension created with the association of the black and white anger and violence.

This movie is amazing. I would let every senior in America watch it and let it provoke exactly what it is meant to provoke: discussions on racial violence in cultures, in education, in criminal activism, government programs; discussions on hate and fear and the radical power it has over our daily lives; discussions about what true brotherhood is about, peer pressure, thinking for one's self, the consciousness instilled in us by our parents, the very being and nature with which we project ourselves to others. Unfortunately, it is graphic and excessively disturbing. I love this movie. I watch it every once in a while to remind me of who I am and who I can be in a blink of an instant if I let my anger get the better of me.

I recommend anyone see it, but know, you will be disturbed.

I have the day off today, so I thought I'd blog a bit. I have watched two more movies. One of which is new as in just bought as in now I am up to 155 movies. But let's stay in order shall we? I actually didn't watch Almost Famous, not because of any other reason than I think I have worn out my dvd! Almost Famous has a delightful story about a boy who wants to be a "rock journalist" and gets a gig to do just that. His perception of "the show" is eye opening, to say the least, in what it was like to be on a rock tour in the seventies. While the band is fiction the story is autobiographical in many ways of the director, Cameron Crowe's life. He at one point was a teenage, youthful man writing for Rolling Stone covering bands such as the Allman Brothers Band and the like. Creating a surreal environment of rock haunted by the "real world" laced with emotions of love, life and laughter, this film gives insight to the seventies, the life of rock n' roll and one's self journey and discovery. Kate Hudson wins my heart every time with her Golden Globe winning scene of Penny Lane (Kate's character) discovers the man she loves has traded her for $50 and a case of beer. When this clash of sincerity of purpose and stark realism occurs, Kate takes us through every emotion one girl can have and comes out on the other side with wit, casual laughter and charm. I watch this movie not just for the amazing acting and directing, but also for the music. I am a huge fan of seventies music (except Floyd--sorry John) and this movie is lined with it. It is one of the few movies that while could have been made into a music video as many movies have been, was appropriately moved forward through the plot by the music. Instead of John Williams, we have Lynard Skynard, Elton John, Simon and Garfunkel, the Who and many others. This movie is one that everyone should have seen in the theater, bought at the high dollar price of $21.99, rented until they just sold it to you, watch all the time. Thus the reason I couldn't go through with it again, as I have worn it out. I love this movie and don't even have to watch it to know it.

Now, as for American Beauty. This movie won 5 Academy Awards and I still don't get it. It is well filmed, well acted, haunting music. It has unbelievable imagery in it and stunning woven plot lines. All in all, it is a great movie. It is classified as a dark comedy, but I classify it as weird. There is nothing comedic about it and it has the strangest ending. I watch it because of a love for Kevin Spacey, Annette Benning and the actors loaded into the cast. I am always amazed at how odd of a movie it is. I don't watch it often and have never been tempted to buy it, but Walmart put out a $4 bin. So now they tempt me with not $5 bins, but $4 bins and what is a girl like me to do when a great movie is in a bin that is less than she would normally pay? I don't particularly like the movie, but if you can help me on what is it I am missing, I would appreciate it. This movie gets a great listing but only if you can get it for four bucks, because it is hard to understand.

Sometimes my head just starts blogging on days like today. I have been crazy like so crazy, and have been afraid to even blog about movies that my crazy would shine through and all of the sudden some random employer of my future would find me unfit for my job ten years down the road thusly leading me to becoming less than and unwanted. Ewwwwwe......is a really nasty fear. But then there are days like today when the crazy sets its self aside and I go back to being the person I love to be, me.

I woke this morning to cold and uncovered feet in need of the warm fuzzy socks buried somewhere in the depths of my soft cotton sheets layered with quilt and down comforter. It is hard to pray with cold feet. To my surprise, I found my socks and headed where everyone goes first thing, the bathroom. I was only partially awake but realized that I just couldn't stand to look at the grossness of the floor of the bathroom any more. For no apparent reason, I cleaned my bathroom. One of the substances I used on the toilet is called Lime Away. By this time my socks were off as I had at one point to climb into the shower to clean it and they were laying by the side. Once I was satisfied with my work, I moved onto the mudroom, then the kitchen, then the VACCUUM! Would it never end? My husband got to a stopping point with his homework and suggested we go to Sweetwater where the coffee is good and the people appealing, and I said sure, but I needed to take a shower first. As I finished scrubbing my head and started in on my feet, I noticed that my left foot was red and burning. Something like a rash had taken hold. After the shower I had John take a better look to see if he knew what had overtaken my foot and he suggested aloe. What a smart man. It made it better. For three seconds, only to find that now I could not put a sock on it as it burned even more and worse than before the aloe. I began to look a little more closely at the rash to notice that it looked a lot like my fuzzy sock exept burned onto the top of my foot. Acid burn. Thank goodness I retained something from school. Kidding, I remembered from Fight Club, acid burn=baking soda. Instant gratification like I have never experienced. So now, I don't know if I should wash the Lime Away infested sock or throw it out and by another pair? But enough about feet, I needed good coffee and appealing people. It was time for Sweetwater.

The reason I like Sweetwater so much is that it is truely an oasis for my heart. When I am a little bit crazy, a little bit lacking, a little bit joyful, a little bit in need of something, I go to Sweetwater. I have spent months on the porch of that place smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee trying to find out who I am only to discover that I don't know. Now a days, I just go for coffee and let others smoke for me, but I like to sit and talk or not talk, just drink and let me rest. Today was especially unusual as before I headed out the door, I did an exercise in letting go. I gave God my fears through writing it down on paper and throwing it away. Initially there was one or two folks at the coffee shop. But out of nowhere a man with a funny looking case came in and another woman with a guitar and a third with a banjo and fiddle. They played for hours. I sat and drank coffee and listened for hours. I got to know these kind very professional, musicians. They made me want to play my violin, sing and stomp my feet. Instead, I just tapped my foot and listened. They played celtic, irish, blugrass, old american folk songs. They sang solos, harmony, duets and sometimes just played along, and along, and along. They joked in between, got up for more coffee, laughed at nothings which of course led back into a random chorus of something. It was just wonderful.

After a while my long time friend walked in who lives in Atlanta but for no apparent reason came to the coffee shop. We hugged and talked and loved each other the way we do. He and John spent time sharing some experience, strength and hope. We also met his sister who was dating our favorite waiter. There is something healing in seeing old friends and catching up. Something that makes the crazy seem less important and the love more important. All the while the music played and the coffee flowed.

I have been a little bit of crazy for a while. My heart has been burned like my foot was earlier today. This mystical group of wandering musicians were the base for my acid burned heart. God did take away my hurt and sorrow as soon as I gave it to Him. Just like that. There is nothing better than good coffee, good music and good friends to sooth the burn.

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while because it took me so long to be willing to watch these movies. But I am going to review both of them with a housecleaning type entry because I don't really care for either of them despite being a huge Jody Foster fan and knowing she won the oscar (Of course).

About a Boy is a lovable story about losers. It is a comedy with elements of tragedy of the human condition, luckily no one dies though. Mostly this is Hugh Grant exploring his ability to do something different in acting. He pulled it off, mostly because I think he may have been playing himself. The boy is a strong charater and has the great unfortune of wearing some of the worst clothing ever made. It is a feel good. It is not worth seeing in the theatres and while I own it, I bought it in the bin at Walmart because I thought maybe it might be worth my time. I do not watch it often, because it is so normal, but it is uplifting in some odd way. Two stars as they say?

The Accused was probably sensational as a movie in the seventies. For those faint of heart it does have a fully filmed gang rape scene in it and do not suggest this movie for just anyone. Jodie Foster is AMAZING. Why this is unusual? It's not. Kelly McGillis on the other hand, is not so amazing. Working next to Jodie has got to be hard. Kelly was out acted through out the whole movie, not that she is much of an actress any way. The constant actor versus non actor comparison makes the movie hard to watch outside of the content and almost makes it a bad movie. It is a so-so movie. I bought this one too in the Walmart bin. I don't watch it much because of the content of the plot being about rape and the graphic nature of the film, but it is a grade A film with not so great acting. Beware. Again, two stars? Maybe three...I would have seen it in the theatres in the seventies had I not been 2. I would own it too, but am glad I didn't pay too much for it.

Nothing like a western to throw in the mix of girly movies. That is the nice part of having the movies in alphabetical order, never know what's next. I wasn't sure how to file this because of the colon, so it is three hundred ten. Whatever.

This film rocks my world. I actually watched it twice and all of the special features prior to writing this entry. To make a good western is not easy. It has to be believable bad guys, good guys, an old fashioned shoot out at the coral and a good woman or two. The plot line in the movie is always simple but the characters, well that's what determines the western's worthiness... at least to me. This movie has all of that and more.

The characters relationships are developed from the first scene of a child coughing due to tuberculousis and his big brother who reads dime novels about outlaws. There are relationships of fathers and their sons, honor, decency, poverty, marriage, loyalty, down right rotteness that makes todays thugs look like chumps and through out it all, a strange twisted friendship between a murderer and a rancher.

The costumes are specific and elaborate. The bad guys wear what they can find and have a mixture of business men's vests and hats to civil war coats of leather. The guns are six shooters and double barrel shot guns, even a gatlin machine gun is used. The scenery is real to is point of abuse to the actors themselves. At one point we can see how the wait of the dress keeps Dan's wife, Alice, in a constant state of sweat due to the Arizona desert mixed with the layers in a woman's clothing. The music is always pensive and encourages the audience to stay with Dan on his quest to put Ben Wade on the train.

This movie is well acted, well directed, well produced. The characters change and grow with the interaction of each other allowing the audience to recognize that bad guys aren't all bad, good guys are all good and weaklings die in the old west.

I love this movie. Mostly for personal reasons. It has reality, humor, tragedy, self discovery. Sandra Bullock plays a drunk trying to get sober in a 28 day rehab center. She has a beau who is also a drunk and the epitome of who she was before she made a decision to get sober and a "friend" who is in the same situation she is, where sobriety seems to be a possibility. There is some romance added in for flavor, but not in a sense of the boy meets girl movies. This light hearted look at addiction addresses some real issues of addicts such as relapse, jails, and death. The characters who she goes to treatment with are a mix of rich, poor, smart, young, old, not so smart, jocks, and goths. This is a good cross section of people that gives the ensemble a lot to work with for their characters, but also allows the audience to see that addiction affects everyone. The movie draws you in through a fast past sequence of events in Gwen's (Sandra Bullock)drinking into the slower paced life of rehabilitation. There is a crisis point when in rehab where Gwen has to decide for herself if she really wants to be sober or not. Through Sandra Bullocks acting, we are emotional tied to her decisions, we recognize her pain and confusion and the audience member is swayed into the movie. From that point on, we fall into the movie easily.

I would watch this movie over and over and over. I did not see it in the movie theaters because it came out while I was in rehab, but I would have and own it and watch it regularly when I need a little encouragement. Watch it! You'll love Gwen and wish her the best of luck in her journey.

I am a huge Grey's Anatomy fan. Every time they showed the trailor for this film in Grey's, it made me want to see it. Then it came and went and never saw it in the theatre. Then it came and went and never rented it. Then out of no where, it was in the $5 bin at Walmart and I bought it. I watched it. And then I realized why I never saw it in the theatre or rented it! I love Kathryn Heigl. She is so good on Grey's. Her transition to film is a take what you can get kinda thing. This movie is like a "hey I am in movies now" kinda piece. Don't get me wrong, it is cute, but predictable. She does her work well, it is just a silly movie. I think what I dislike the most is that the costuming was horrible. They put this beautiful tall supermodel in Meg Ryan clothes. She doesn't fit in Meg Ryan clothes. She is TALL. What's worse is that she was taller than her love interest. Over and over it was aweful. Her humor is great. Her acting is the part she play in Grey's which is what most people want to see. But the movie, not so much. It is a once in a while watch. Maybe close to a one time is enough. At least I made it all the way through. Some movies don't even make it that far! It does have a feel good notion to it. Girl meets boy, doesn't like boy, is the obvious choice for her. Girl finally gets it that he is the boy for her. Woohoo. Feel good. That's about all there is to it. Is it worth $5? Yeah, I guess so. I will probably watch it again one day, just not any time soon.

You should be forewarned: I have a soft spot for a teeny bop. Teeny bop qualifies as a movie that has little to no adults in it and the teens do whatever, whenever. The genre's bar was raised as a result of my favorite teens, Dawson Creek. This was good because it meant you had to know a thing or two in order to watch it. It became a requirement to be educated otherwise there was no following the dialogue. 10 Things I Hate About You, meets this bar and raises it again.

This movie is a wonderful rendition of Shakespear's Taming of the Shrew. With the cast loaded in star power, Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles take top bill as the lead of Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford. The set is at Padua High so as to include cliques, teenage insecurities and of course, gym class. In keeping with the tradition of the teeny's films, there is lots of rock music to an almost music video style. However, constant references and puns for Shakespear give the cast high humor to play along with mixing in some of the slap stick of youth. This twist of being teens thrown into the world of the dear William turns out for a delightful, well thought out romantic comedy.

This movie falls in my rentable and buy at the $9 or less range. This is a very watchable, funny, interesting, well played, well written movie. It won an MTV award for best breakthrough performance by an actress (Julia Stiles). It is very teeny bop. It is an excellent film to show in highschool on those days when there is nothing left to do for seniors other than sign yearbooks. It is also a good date movie for those who are renting dvds and popping popcorn at home.

ps this is the first time I have ever written a review and am not sure what I am doing yet. So maybe it will get better with more practice.

I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, this weekend with my husband. The reasons I like movies is because they make me think, evoke emotion, or are sometimes just plain art worthy of taking note. The question that was raised from Benjamin Button was not about birth or death, time or age, but right at the end, he talks about because some people are mothers, swimmers, lovers, daughters...etc,etc. It made me think what am I? I like to try to be a musician on my good days. It is something that my Mom & Dad have instilled in me, but it is more them than me. I like to be a Daughter of the King, except when I go crazy, it vanishes. I like to be scrap-booker, but I recognize that I am only a novice who likes crafts, much like every other ten year old in America. I think I have finally figured out what I do, what I am. I watch movies.


I am a movie watcher. I watch them on dvd, whether owned, rented or netflixed. I watch them on the big screen. I categorize them in an odd fashion of, rentable, buyable, see when in the theatre, see is in the theatre the day it comes out and of course there is any combination of these levels. The super-duper-omg-zowee is when I have to see it the day it comes out, rent it until it until you can buy it, buy it for $22 when it comes out and get the soundtrack for gosh sakes! There are not many of those.


This is something too that my Mom & Dad have given me, that has ended up being more mine than theirs. I have 152 dvds currently. I watch a movie almost everyday. Some people do facebook, others alcohol, others are swimmers, lovers and mothers, I am really, really a movie watcher. I thought about having everything tallied to impress you at the number of Golden Globes and Oscars I have, but that is a bigger task and will be issued at a later date. So far I have 32 Oscars and 18 Golden Globes and that is not even to the first 50 movies. I like a good movie.

For a long time I have been teased by friends about my movie watching. They are always trying to catch a flick I haven't seen. It is pretty hard.

I even have movie friends, such as Debbie. We ditch the boys and go see movies all the time together.

The thing that I don't watch a lot of is comedy. Not romantic comedy (duh, I am a girl) but that awful new form of comedy that assumes we must be stupid, sarcastic and down right horrifically appealing to the masses. Unfortunately, I do have stepsons who buy my husband that stuph, so we actually own a copy of the 40-Year Old Virgin, which is not in my count of 152 movies.

All this being said, every blog has a theme, my theme will be movies because it is what I do more than anything else outside of God. I have alphabetized my movies. I will watch them starting at the beginning with 10 Things I Hate About You and go through Yoga. I will review, give each movie a rating, talk about their Oscars or lack their of, will talk about the reason I like it or don't. This will give some focus to this blog. Although I will say on occasion I will still set out on the emotion isms that just need to be blogged about so watch out for that every once in a while. And with that, I am going to watch a movie!

Resolutions:

To be more watchful for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.
To grow in my prayer and meditation.
To be helpful where no one else can.

GROW UP...some more.