I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date…..
Oh my. Oh my. There is so much to do and so much to say that I can’t think of anything. The whole world is coming to Sautee and Helen tomorrow night. Larry is thirty and I am four. Who would guess that Alice would be sick? She is sick. But maybe just maybe, everything will happen the way it is supposed to and everything will fall right into place. Oh my. Oh my.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a declaration made over two hundred years ago: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”; the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles.
Mom told me that I just had to read his speech from last night. I was busy babysitting so I didn’t get to spy the convention last night. So I read today. I am convinced: I would vote this man for President faster than I would for John Kerry. He is awesome. In his speech, he not only praised the presidential candidate, he praised the vice-presidential candidate, he crossed party lines to encourage a bi-partisan state, presented platform beliefs and abilities and most importantly he continually highlighted his constituents with knowledge of their concerns specifically addressed and uplifted for both his state and the nation to hear. Wow. It is nice to have a man who recognizing his privilege and responsibility in addressing the nation from the confines of the perception of the democratic convention. The only thing that I didn’t appreciate in relation to his speech was that when his staff flunkies typed it out for his web page, they did so as though he were speaking with no regard for the grammatical errors all over it (i.e. fragmented sentences, dangling participles and the like). Graybeal would go nuts. I had to correct it for my blog quote. There are probably some other flaws to him, however I find it interesting that no one will run against him. That is what some call political power: gear shifting power.
Mom told me that I just had to read his speech from last night. I was busy babysitting so I didn’t get to spy the convention last night. So I read today. I am convinced: I would vote this man for President faster than I would for John Kerry. He is awesome. In his speech, he not only praised the presidential candidate, he praised the vice-presidential candidate, he crossed party lines to encourage a bi-partisan state, presented platform beliefs and abilities and most importantly he continually highlighted his constituents with knowledge of their concerns specifically addressed and uplifted for both his state and the nation to hear. Wow. It is nice to have a man who recognizing his privilege and responsibility in addressing the nation from the confines of the perception of the democratic convention. The only thing that I didn’t appreciate in relation to his speech was that when his staff flunkies typed it out for his web page, they did so as though he were speaking with no regard for the grammatical errors all over it (i.e. fragmented sentences, dangling participles and the like). Graybeal would go nuts. I had to correct it for my blog quote. There are probably some other flaws to him, however I find it interesting that no one will run against him. That is what some call political power: gear shifting power.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Daisies are the friendliest flowers.
Flowers… that was the answer to my trivia question several entries back. Flowers increase the creativity of employees in the work place. They are better problem solvers with more original solutions. They are the employees, not the flowers.
I love my friends. Strangely enough there are plenty of them. Megan and Iris and I went to Big Daddy’s on Sunday night. It has been forever since we have been out and about. It was great fun. She had sushi and I had an uncooked pizza. Oh, the bad food of Helen just amazes me. Fortunately, the good stuff is really good at Big Daddy’s but the cheap stuff is really cheap. Megan is so good at being a mom. She likes it too, which is really important. People who don’t like being parents end up in the media: scary. She likes it and it is cool to see all of her natural instincts shine through. Iris had fun clapping her hands (this is a great development for an 8 month old) and sucking on ginger. Turns out that she likes ginger? I have never had ginger before so I tasted a bit of it and it is good, but pretty intense for a little one. You could tell when she went from sucking on it to breaking into it. There was a tremendous face from the tang that was released on her tongue. Very funny. I have had quite a good time watching her grow up. She is a neat kid. She has also started crawling, which means good-bye baby fat and she has lots of baby fat. My understanding is that most breast fed children are little chunks. She will be everywhere here soon. She is a great baby. The only time she gets loud is when there are hunger or diaper problems: the basics. Megan has been one of my bestest friends for the past four years. She can make me sane or insane in an instant. When we lived together we used to fight like the gods used to fight over the Olympians. Now we get along like two peas in a pod. We are so identical in our actions. Things differ slightly because she is a mom now and I don’t have those type issues dealt yet (i.e. hormones, men or babies!). Mostly on Sunday I was very insane and she made everything all better. She took me out on the boat at Lake Burton and we went swimming and Iris had her first lake swim. It was great fun. Then we went to Big Daddy’s later on. She makes me a better person. Isn’t that what friends are for?
Flowers… that was the answer to my trivia question several entries back. Flowers increase the creativity of employees in the work place. They are better problem solvers with more original solutions. They are the employees, not the flowers.
I love my friends. Strangely enough there are plenty of them. Megan and Iris and I went to Big Daddy’s on Sunday night. It has been forever since we have been out and about. It was great fun. She had sushi and I had an uncooked pizza. Oh, the bad food of Helen just amazes me. Fortunately, the good stuff is really good at Big Daddy’s but the cheap stuff is really cheap. Megan is so good at being a mom. She likes it too, which is really important. People who don’t like being parents end up in the media: scary. She likes it and it is cool to see all of her natural instincts shine through. Iris had fun clapping her hands (this is a great development for an 8 month old) and sucking on ginger. Turns out that she likes ginger? I have never had ginger before so I tasted a bit of it and it is good, but pretty intense for a little one. You could tell when she went from sucking on it to breaking into it. There was a tremendous face from the tang that was released on her tongue. Very funny. I have had quite a good time watching her grow up. She is a neat kid. She has also started crawling, which means good-bye baby fat and she has lots of baby fat. My understanding is that most breast fed children are little chunks. She will be everywhere here soon. She is a great baby. The only time she gets loud is when there are hunger or diaper problems: the basics. Megan has been one of my bestest friends for the past four years. She can make me sane or insane in an instant. When we lived together we used to fight like the gods used to fight over the Olympians. Now we get along like two peas in a pod. We are so identical in our actions. Things differ slightly because she is a mom now and I don’t have those type issues dealt yet (i.e. hormones, men or babies!). Mostly on Sunday I was very insane and she made everything all better. She took me out on the boat at Lake Burton and we went swimming and Iris had her first lake swim. It was great fun. Then we went to Big Daddy’s later on. She makes me a better person. Isn’t that what friends are for?
Monday, July 26, 2004
Holy, Holy, Holy….Lord, God, Almighty
Disclaimer: this is a controversial, confusing blog that if you don’t like opinions you shouldn’t read. If you do read it and get confused or angry, I am not liable.
So I went to church yesterday. I really like the church that I and my friends go to in Alpharetta. It is quite a bonding experience due to the two hours, well maybe the hour and a half drive it takes for us to get down there. My friend David has a SUV and we all pile in and go to church. It varies from time to time who goes and who preaches so it makes it fun in our concerted effort to be spiritual. The topic for the sermon was “holiness.” It was part of a series called “Seeing God 20/20.” The guy preaching was an associate pastor. I guess the pastor is on holiday for the month. It was really good. There were several points that showed that God had transitioned over time and that God’s holiness was eternal and not limited to time. He said that the holiness was the barrier between us and God and that God broke the barrier by sending Christ. He said that when we accept Christ that is when God enters our life and individually breaks that barrier to create atonement. That we don’t go to Him, rather He comes to us. He said that God is a jealous god and that God is the only God and that was the distinction and motivation behind holiness. He said that without it, there would be no reason to distinguish God from any others. God wants to be worshipped only and without other gods to be worshipped by us, which is the point of holiness. Uniqueness = Holiness. He also said that God was so upset by the death of Christ that He turned His back on His son and made the skies go black and Christ called to his fathers saying, ”Why has thou forsaken me?” And God removed His holiness. This is the part I have a hard time with because he took most of his points about graven images and jealousy and so forth, from the law of the Old Testament. (Here comes where Rachel’s mind enters and screws things up!)
Holiness according to Webster’s online: “exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.” I like this definition better. This implies that one does not worship due to individuality rather due to perfection, righteousness and goodness. Now, Christ taught that there are two commandments that are the highest and of the utmost important: Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind and soul and Love your neighbor as you love your self. These are things that I can do as a vagabond. This is different from the commandments given in the books of law-similar but different. My point is that maybe God has grown past the point of being a jealous god and is now a loving God who while being just he is not so jealous. And while yes the original commandments are important and are guides for our lives, that these two superceded the others in the line of importance and getting off God’s bad side. (I base the fact that God can grow on the basis that we as humans can grow and we are made in His image.) Perhaps it is not so much that God turned His back on Christ as it is that God sacrificed His son, to perfect the ultimate miracle, reinforcing His holiness, of resurrection and eternal life, not just for Christ, but for everyone who believes in Christ. That would be what would and has caught my attention and made me more of a believer. I am more apt to believe and worship or follow, however it is to be phrased, a God that is worthy of devotion because of perfection, goodness and righteousness as opposed to because He is jealous and despairing.
I like the preacher though. He had a really tough topic. He did some neat things to prove his points even though they were lined with fallacies. One of the prefacing points that he made to the sermon was that he was talking the series over with the other fella who taught the first two weeks of it and the fella said, “So that leaves you to begin with ‘Holiness’” and he responded sarcastically with, “Oh, great, just what I wanted to talk about.” He claimed that it was a difficult topic for Him to conceive and that He wasn’t really sure on how to present it to the congregation and that he finally found a way. He seemed nice. I like to go for the rock n’ roll band who plays before and after the sermon and the testimonials given prior to the baptisms. It’s like they get it and that is cool. The rock n' roll band had a really great rendition of "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" this week. Who would guess you could sauce that song up? I guess I will have to wait for Andy to get back before I hear another really good sermon. His was so-so. Sigh.
Disclaimer: this is a controversial, confusing blog that if you don’t like opinions you shouldn’t read. If you do read it and get confused or angry, I am not liable.
So I went to church yesterday. I really like the church that I and my friends go to in Alpharetta. It is quite a bonding experience due to the two hours, well maybe the hour and a half drive it takes for us to get down there. My friend David has a SUV and we all pile in and go to church. It varies from time to time who goes and who preaches so it makes it fun in our concerted effort to be spiritual. The topic for the sermon was “holiness.” It was part of a series called “Seeing God 20/20.” The guy preaching was an associate pastor. I guess the pastor is on holiday for the month. It was really good. There were several points that showed that God had transitioned over time and that God’s holiness was eternal and not limited to time. He said that the holiness was the barrier between us and God and that God broke the barrier by sending Christ. He said that when we accept Christ that is when God enters our life and individually breaks that barrier to create atonement. That we don’t go to Him, rather He comes to us. He said that God is a jealous god and that God is the only God and that was the distinction and motivation behind holiness. He said that without it, there would be no reason to distinguish God from any others. God wants to be worshipped only and without other gods to be worshipped by us, which is the point of holiness. Uniqueness = Holiness. He also said that God was so upset by the death of Christ that He turned His back on His son and made the skies go black and Christ called to his fathers saying, ”Why has thou forsaken me?” And God removed His holiness. This is the part I have a hard time with because he took most of his points about graven images and jealousy and so forth, from the law of the Old Testament. (Here comes where Rachel’s mind enters and screws things up!)
Holiness according to Webster’s online: “exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.” I like this definition better. This implies that one does not worship due to individuality rather due to perfection, righteousness and goodness. Now, Christ taught that there are two commandments that are the highest and of the utmost important: Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind and soul and Love your neighbor as you love your self. These are things that I can do as a vagabond. This is different from the commandments given in the books of law-similar but different. My point is that maybe God has grown past the point of being a jealous god and is now a loving God who while being just he is not so jealous. And while yes the original commandments are important and are guides for our lives, that these two superceded the others in the line of importance and getting off God’s bad side. (I base the fact that God can grow on the basis that we as humans can grow and we are made in His image.) Perhaps it is not so much that God turned His back on Christ as it is that God sacrificed His son, to perfect the ultimate miracle, reinforcing His holiness, of resurrection and eternal life, not just for Christ, but for everyone who believes in Christ. That would be what would and has caught my attention and made me more of a believer. I am more apt to believe and worship or follow, however it is to be phrased, a God that is worthy of devotion because of perfection, goodness and righteousness as opposed to because He is jealous and despairing.
I like the preacher though. He had a really tough topic. He did some neat things to prove his points even though they were lined with fallacies. One of the prefacing points that he made to the sermon was that he was talking the series over with the other fella who taught the first two weeks of it and the fella said, “So that leaves you to begin with ‘Holiness’” and he responded sarcastically with, “Oh, great, just what I wanted to talk about.” He claimed that it was a difficult topic for Him to conceive and that He wasn’t really sure on how to present it to the congregation and that he finally found a way. He seemed nice. I like to go for the rock n’ roll band who plays before and after the sermon and the testimonials given prior to the baptisms. It’s like they get it and that is cool. The rock n' roll band had a really great rendition of "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" this week. Who would guess you could sauce that song up? I guess I will have to wait for Andy to get back before I hear another really good sermon. His was so-so. Sigh.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Hoo-ya, Master Chief!!
Hurray for dave fm!!!!! It is my generation music. I can’t believe that I have heard both Peter Gabriel and Cold Play on the same station!! I typically have every station programmed into my radio because depending on the mood I am in shifts my radio station. If I am angry: 99X; if I am travelin’: Z93; if I am feeling awfully good or need inspiration: 104.7 the fish; if I am just bee-bopping around town: Star 94. Not hard. On occasion there is the ride to work or the shut down for the evening station: NPR. Or the occasional need to here the oldies, which is a station out of Athens. Generally speaking it takes a cross combo through out the day to keep up with me. Then, Z93 turned on me. It is no longer “Classical Rock”. It is now “Dave FM.” I don’t know who Dave is, but I like his music. I haven’t changed my radio since I heard it. That is hard to do with me. No need to because it is just my kinda music. Carter would like this station: it plays both Counting Crows and John Mayer on a regular mixed basis along with U2 and the REM. Who would guess? No DJ’s either. Nice. (At least no DJ’s yet!) Hopefully it will stay that way. I am so tired of hearing people making an ass out of themselves or responding to the asses that it makes it hard to stay on a station. The battle, between 99x trying to be the biggest and the baddest on the block and the Fish trying to be the cleanest and the “most” family oriented, is about to make me puke. I am even willing to sit through the commercials because I recognize that I don’t want to miss the music. Oh, finally a music station.
Hurray for dave fm!!!!! It is my generation music. I can’t believe that I have heard both Peter Gabriel and Cold Play on the same station!! I typically have every station programmed into my radio because depending on the mood I am in shifts my radio station. If I am angry: 99X; if I am travelin’: Z93; if I am feeling awfully good or need inspiration: 104.7 the fish; if I am just bee-bopping around town: Star 94. Not hard. On occasion there is the ride to work or the shut down for the evening station: NPR. Or the occasional need to here the oldies, which is a station out of Athens. Generally speaking it takes a cross combo through out the day to keep up with me. Then, Z93 turned on me. It is no longer “Classical Rock”. It is now “Dave FM.” I don’t know who Dave is, but I like his music. I haven’t changed my radio since I heard it. That is hard to do with me. No need to because it is just my kinda music. Carter would like this station: it plays both Counting Crows and John Mayer on a regular mixed basis along with U2 and the REM. Who would guess? No DJ’s either. Nice. (At least no DJ’s yet!) Hopefully it will stay that way. I am so tired of hearing people making an ass out of themselves or responding to the asses that it makes it hard to stay on a station. The battle, between 99x trying to be the biggest and the baddest on the block and the Fish trying to be the cleanest and the “most” family oriented, is about to make me puke. I am even willing to sit through the commercials because I recognize that I don’t want to miss the music. Oh, finally a music station.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind
Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind
I want to go to Asheville. I hope that my Uncle George finds a place soon so that I can go there; although, I might beat him there. Then he could come and stay with me while he is house shopping. Last night I tuned into an NPR station out of Charlotte—or maybe is was Charleston, just the same it made me think Carolina and to me there is only one Carolina and that’s North Carolina. Mountains. Originally I thought I had tuned into a bluegrass fiddler due to the sounds of complicated double-stops and the violin. The more I listened the more I realized it wasn’t bluegrass, it was La Folia. This is the piece of all pieces to me. It is the piece I played for jury my senior year at Agnes Scott and to this day I am baffled by its variations. I was listening and the more and more the violinist played the more and more I realized that I have never truly played that piece. The rhythms were so different. The pace was tremendous. It was like a stampede in comparison to a walk. There was an entire variation that I didn’t even recognize because it was so differently played. The notes were precise and played with such authority. I was totally amazed. The announcer came on at the end to tell me about the piece and the artist. The artist was Itzak Pearlman. Nope, my bow stroke or intonation will never sound like that. Ever. It made me feel better though. I mean here is a man who is the best in the world playing a piece that came out of my Suzuki, Level 6, Music Book and I played the same piece, even if it doesn’t even remotely compare. I have got to get a recording of that so that I can let it echo through my Carolina Mountain Cabin.
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind
Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind
I want to go to Asheville. I hope that my Uncle George finds a place soon so that I can go there; although, I might beat him there. Then he could come and stay with me while he is house shopping. Last night I tuned into an NPR station out of Charlotte—or maybe is was Charleston, just the same it made me think Carolina and to me there is only one Carolina and that’s North Carolina. Mountains. Originally I thought I had tuned into a bluegrass fiddler due to the sounds of complicated double-stops and the violin. The more I listened the more I realized it wasn’t bluegrass, it was La Folia. This is the piece of all pieces to me. It is the piece I played for jury my senior year at Agnes Scott and to this day I am baffled by its variations. I was listening and the more and more the violinist played the more and more I realized that I have never truly played that piece. The rhythms were so different. The pace was tremendous. It was like a stampede in comparison to a walk. There was an entire variation that I didn’t even recognize because it was so differently played. The notes were precise and played with such authority. I was totally amazed. The announcer came on at the end to tell me about the piece and the artist. The artist was Itzak Pearlman. Nope, my bow stroke or intonation will never sound like that. Ever. It made me feel better though. I mean here is a man who is the best in the world playing a piece that came out of my Suzuki, Level 6, Music Book and I played the same piece, even if it doesn’t even remotely compare. I have got to get a recording of that so that I can let it echo through my Carolina Mountain Cabin.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
. . . and many moooorrreeee!!!!
Yesterday was nice. My body was still in “I can’t believe we are running mode,” which made it a rather tiresome day. I was glad to be able to participate in a celebration for one of my girlfriend’s birthday party. She is 40. It was supposed to be a surprise, but she got there early and surprised us. She was still astounded. She has never had a birthday party before last night. Can you imagine going through your life with out a birthday party? I loved my birthday parties. Anyway, she had a great time with lots of gifts, a cool cake and friends galore. It was nice to see her smile and I took lots of pictures. I have known her for a while and she is one of my friends who each time I get to spend time with her she expresses something new about herself. It’s kinda cool. I like friends who continue to grow and change. She is one of those people. I have known her for only about four years, but we have an unshakable bond. No matter what comes into our lives or goes out of our lives, no matter if we get separated for a while or if we just drift apart, we always seem to come back to each other: girlfriends in the end. It is nice having women in my life like that. The party was tiresome though. I ended up in bed about nine forty-five. It scares me when I am that tired, but between the party and running, I was exhausted. Thank goodness for a comfy bed with lots of teddy bears to make my sleep easy.
Yesterday was nice. My body was still in “I can’t believe we are running mode,” which made it a rather tiresome day. I was glad to be able to participate in a celebration for one of my girlfriend’s birthday party. She is 40. It was supposed to be a surprise, but she got there early and surprised us. She was still astounded. She has never had a birthday party before last night. Can you imagine going through your life with out a birthday party? I loved my birthday parties. Anyway, she had a great time with lots of gifts, a cool cake and friends galore. It was nice to see her smile and I took lots of pictures. I have known her for a while and she is one of my friends who each time I get to spend time with her she expresses something new about herself. It’s kinda cool. I like friends who continue to grow and change. She is one of those people. I have known her for only about four years, but we have an unshakable bond. No matter what comes into our lives or goes out of our lives, no matter if we get separated for a while or if we just drift apart, we always seem to come back to each other: girlfriends in the end. It is nice having women in my life like that. The party was tiresome though. I ended up in bed about nine forty-five. It scares me when I am that tired, but between the party and running, I was exhausted. Thank goodness for a comfy bed with lots of teddy bears to make my sleep easy.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
Whoops, I missed yesterday. My boss is on vacation and that means that she loads me down with work. I get fearful when she gives me so much at one time and I panic into crazy working. I worked my butt off yesterday. It will probably result into having not enough to do by the end of the work week, but I can not stand to be so piled upon. I have had some good team help though. The Synagis crew has run into a standstill seeing as the “season” hasn’t started yet and probably won’t go full steam until the third week of August. They have been folder making and bag making like mad for me. It is one thing down on the list of things to prepare. When my boss rejoins the human race after vacation she will hit the ground running. By this I mean that she immediately goes on a sales rampage to all different offices, which inevitably will run me out of supplies. Thanks to the Synagis crew I may make it without a fault until at least September.
I got new running shoes on Saturday. My mom and I went to her local sports store. I walked in, looked at the shoes, pulled one, tried it on and it fit perfectly. I have never done that before, just bought the first shoe I tried. Usually it is a headache and I have to go to more than one store. Not this time. The shoes were a b’day gift from the folks. I think that having the first pair I tried on be the shoe I want was a better gift than the shoes! New Balance shoes are fairly consistent. They are the ones I ran in when I was in high school. They fit so well. I have run both yesterday and today. Yesterday was hard. I have to get up early to run. I find that morning is the best time to run for me and it means that I have to set the alarm for before six. That is really early for me. The first day is the worst because I am exhausted all day due to being up earlier than usual. Today was not nearly as bad and more acceptable to my body. I am only running a mile right now, but that is all my weakened, no previous running shoes body can handle so far. I hope to work back up to two miles again. I was running two miles but my feet and knees gave out due to the bad shoes. My heart gave up too because of the emotional crap that I went through. My heart is returning and my determination to be a healthy individual is also returning. I am glad. It makes me feel better to run. I have more energy. I am not so food concentrated and I am fully awake and alert by the time I get to work. I don’t know that I will be Forrest Gump anytime soon or even qualify to be a Graybeal, but I am definitely a Green. Hopefully, I will be able to run the adult run at the Labor Day race this year. It would be the first time in my life! Who would guess that I would be an adult at 28?
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
Whoops, I missed yesterday. My boss is on vacation and that means that she loads me down with work. I get fearful when she gives me so much at one time and I panic into crazy working. I worked my butt off yesterday. It will probably result into having not enough to do by the end of the work week, but I can not stand to be so piled upon. I have had some good team help though. The Synagis crew has run into a standstill seeing as the “season” hasn’t started yet and probably won’t go full steam until the third week of August. They have been folder making and bag making like mad for me. It is one thing down on the list of things to prepare. When my boss rejoins the human race after vacation she will hit the ground running. By this I mean that she immediately goes on a sales rampage to all different offices, which inevitably will run me out of supplies. Thanks to the Synagis crew I may make it without a fault until at least September.
I got new running shoes on Saturday. My mom and I went to her local sports store. I walked in, looked at the shoes, pulled one, tried it on and it fit perfectly. I have never done that before, just bought the first shoe I tried. Usually it is a headache and I have to go to more than one store. Not this time. The shoes were a b’day gift from the folks. I think that having the first pair I tried on be the shoe I want was a better gift than the shoes! New Balance shoes are fairly consistent. They are the ones I ran in when I was in high school. They fit so well. I have run both yesterday and today. Yesterday was hard. I have to get up early to run. I find that morning is the best time to run for me and it means that I have to set the alarm for before six. That is really early for me. The first day is the worst because I am exhausted all day due to being up earlier than usual. Today was not nearly as bad and more acceptable to my body. I am only running a mile right now, but that is all my weakened, no previous running shoes body can handle so far. I hope to work back up to two miles again. I was running two miles but my feet and knees gave out due to the bad shoes. My heart gave up too because of the emotional crap that I went through. My heart is returning and my determination to be a healthy individual is also returning. I am glad. It makes me feel better to run. I have more energy. I am not so food concentrated and I am fully awake and alert by the time I get to work. I don’t know that I will be Forrest Gump anytime soon or even qualify to be a Graybeal, but I am definitely a Green. Hopefully, I will be able to run the adult run at the Labor Day race this year. It would be the first time in my life! Who would guess that I would be an adult at 28?
Friday, July 16, 2004
Everyday is fresh with no mistakes in it
Except for Bobby Fisher. Poor Bobby Fisher. I just found out that my mom’s cousins went to see him play Spaskky in Iceland in 1972. Who would ever believe that they would find Bobby Fisher? That makes that movie ten times cooler. My Dad brought that movie home for us and I remember thinking, I have never heard of this. It was terrific. I think if I can find it on DVD this weekend in ATL that I will buy it. What a great story.
Except for Bobby Fisher. Poor Bobby Fisher. I just found out that my mom’s cousins went to see him play Spaskky in Iceland in 1972. Who would ever believe that they would find Bobby Fisher? That makes that movie ten times cooler. My Dad brought that movie home for us and I remember thinking, I have never heard of this. It was terrific. I think if I can find it on DVD this weekend in ATL that I will buy it. What a great story.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
HAHAHAHA!!!
Like Bush really ever had a shot at getting a constitutional amendment through to ban same sex marriage! Although there was an amendment that allowed discrimination on the basis of race so I guess he might have had an- oh- say-1% chance at achieving. Some people categorize me as a democrat, but I categorize myself as a realist. The reality of the situation was that this country has already grown past this issue whether the conservatives of the times like it or not. The awareness is that, ”We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosperity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Stated of America” means that we don’t discriminate. PERIOD. No questions asked. In all reality, the Civil Rights movement set the stage for any minority to brave the path to equality amongst the swell of the majority. What judge in their right mind would hold up a law that says everyone can do this except well, you guys in the purple over there? Who are we trying to kid? Equal is equal. Give it up. As my father would say, “This conversation is over.”
Like Bush really ever had a shot at getting a constitutional amendment through to ban same sex marriage! Although there was an amendment that allowed discrimination on the basis of race so I guess he might have had an- oh- say-1% chance at achieving. Some people categorize me as a democrat, but I categorize myself as a realist. The reality of the situation was that this country has already grown past this issue whether the conservatives of the times like it or not. The awareness is that, ”We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosperity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Stated of America” means that we don’t discriminate. PERIOD. No questions asked. In all reality, the Civil Rights movement set the stage for any minority to brave the path to equality amongst the swell of the majority. What judge in their right mind would hold up a law that says everyone can do this except well, you guys in the purple over there? Who are we trying to kid? Equal is equal. Give it up. As my father would say, “This conversation is over.”
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Well yes I'm still running
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Ohh!!! I am so excited!!! I just spoke with the woman who rents the space in downtown Clarkesville, a beautiful apartment! She is going to let me browse on Sunday to see if I like it or not. It is so quaint. I originally called to find out the price and when I did I was sad to know that I would have to sit another year in my mountain house apartment because it was WAY out of my range for rent. She called me back and said, hmmm, I will cut it by an easy hundred bucks. Now, I can afford it! It is close to work and to play. My gas and maintenance would be cut in half on my car expenses which would allow for the little bit higher rent. It has all kinds of comforts like air conditioning, heat, hardwood floors, crown molding and I will get to see what else! I am tickled. Hurray! No more molded couches or molded leather jackets that cost a fortune to have cleaned come winter. No more bugs in my and out of everything I own. More closet space. Oh, more closet space. Hopefully. Hopefully. I am just so excited about change. I am so excited.
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Ohh!!! I am so excited!!! I just spoke with the woman who rents the space in downtown Clarkesville, a beautiful apartment! She is going to let me browse on Sunday to see if I like it or not. It is so quaint. I originally called to find out the price and when I did I was sad to know that I would have to sit another year in my mountain house apartment because it was WAY out of my range for rent. She called me back and said, hmmm, I will cut it by an easy hundred bucks. Now, I can afford it! It is close to work and to play. My gas and maintenance would be cut in half on my car expenses which would allow for the little bit higher rent. It has all kinds of comforts like air conditioning, heat, hardwood floors, crown molding and I will get to see what else! I am tickled. Hurray! No more molded couches or molded leather jackets that cost a fortune to have cleaned come winter. No more bugs in my and out of everything I own. More closet space. Oh, more closet space. Hopefully. Hopefully. I am just so excited about change. I am so excited.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
God is great, God is good,
Let us thank Him for our food,
By His hands, we are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread
Amen
Sometimes I forget the mystery and the power of God. (Bear with me on this one) One of the things that I have practiced and practiced over and over is to lean and trust in God. This is not something that comes to me naturally. Naturally I want to force a situation. I want to do things the way I want to do them. I will panic and worry. I will obsess to a point of insanity if given a chance over any number of things: i.e. finances, men, plans made with friends, friends themselves, people, family . . .
My toughest thing to turn over to God is my money. Now, my head says: God doesn’t need or use money so I will just manage the money. I wish I could manage money. When I manage money, I go out all the time, can’t pay my bills for anything, but can always afford my new item. Over time, God has placed certain people in my life who have first, been people who I can listen to and second taught me how to maintain a level of discipline with in myself that has translated to my finances. The promised result reins: everything gets taken care of when I follow the guidelines given. In the last month there have been some tumultuous emotional waves in my life. Whenever I go emotionally nuts, I end up broke. It is inevitable that my discipline goes right out the window when I go nuts. I wasn’t sure what to do about being emotionally nuts and broke this time around. I was tired of trying to fix and save and squeeze out each penny. I finally decided that it was none of my business as to what to do and that I would have to 86 some luxuries for a month in order to get back on track. This is something I have done in the past and am totally capable of doing it again. I just worked out my figures to guestimate my upcoming paycheck to find out what I would cut this week. The thing is there was no way of planning on going emotionally nuts and coinciding with crazy overtime. So my financial difficulties aren’t so difficult! I couldn’t have planned for that if I had wanted. It resolved two things: first, me being nuts, second, me being broke. Work has occupied me so much in the past week that my emotional stability seems to be stabilizing its self. Work is also stabilizing my budget!! God is good, really good.
Let us thank Him for our food,
By His hands, we are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread
Amen
Sometimes I forget the mystery and the power of God. (Bear with me on this one) One of the things that I have practiced and practiced over and over is to lean and trust in God. This is not something that comes to me naturally. Naturally I want to force a situation. I want to do things the way I want to do them. I will panic and worry. I will obsess to a point of insanity if given a chance over any number of things: i.e. finances, men, plans made with friends, friends themselves, people, family . . .
My toughest thing to turn over to God is my money. Now, my head says: God doesn’t need or use money so I will just manage the money. I wish I could manage money. When I manage money, I go out all the time, can’t pay my bills for anything, but can always afford my new item. Over time, God has placed certain people in my life who have first, been people who I can listen to and second taught me how to maintain a level of discipline with in myself that has translated to my finances. The promised result reins: everything gets taken care of when I follow the guidelines given. In the last month there have been some tumultuous emotional waves in my life. Whenever I go emotionally nuts, I end up broke. It is inevitable that my discipline goes right out the window when I go nuts. I wasn’t sure what to do about being emotionally nuts and broke this time around. I was tired of trying to fix and save and squeeze out each penny. I finally decided that it was none of my business as to what to do and that I would have to 86 some luxuries for a month in order to get back on track. This is something I have done in the past and am totally capable of doing it again. I just worked out my figures to guestimate my upcoming paycheck to find out what I would cut this week. The thing is there was no way of planning on going emotionally nuts and coinciding with crazy overtime. So my financial difficulties aren’t so difficult! I couldn’t have planned for that if I had wanted. It resolved two things: first, me being nuts, second, me being broke. Work has occupied me so much in the past week that my emotional stability seems to be stabilizing its self. Work is also stabilizing my budget!! God is good, really good.
Monday, July 12, 2004
I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive
Wow, What a weekend!! I had no idea it would go by so quickly! There was work, movies, friends and fun! It was a really long and hard weekend for which I will probably not truly feel the effects of until mid-Wednesday. I saw “The Notebook” on Friday night and it made me cry!! I mean boohoo-’ed! It is the date movie for married couples everywhere. Saturday….oh Saturday….Working six days is not my cup of tea however, eight hours of overtime doesn’t bother me in the least! We had a “retreat” on Saturday for some specifics at work. It was nice, but long. Being a peon, I couldn’t find any reason for me to be there. It seemed more management oriented. I think the reasons the peons were there was to make us feel important even though we aren’t. I was grateful once it was all said and done so I could go to the coffee shop and do nothing. After about an hour there I went home to freshen up and off to Alice’s to meet for dinner with several friends. Saturday was my fourth anniversary so I invited an intimate few to eat dinner before picking up a chip. It was nice. I really enjoyed myself. Sunday, I tried my best not to move. I was fearful that if I didn’t take my rest while I had the chance that I would end up in crazy world by Monday morning. I have to be prepared for work otherwise I am cranky and sarcastic and just misplaced mentally. My attitude goes right to the gutter if I am not well rested. So I stuck close to home. I did go out twice: once to return movies and get groceries; once to go meet with friends and talk about God for the night. I watched “Monster” Sunday morning. Ugh. What a story. Some stories are best left unsaid. That was one of them. Too much, way too much. Although I agree as to why Charlise won the Oscar. She definitely deserved it. She actually deserved it years ago for Devil’s Advocate, but the movie as a whole was only so-so even though her performance was tremendous. I watched Cold Mountain again too. I really like that movie. I think it is interesting that it is a movie about love in the south during the Civil War and not a single person in the cast was remotely southern. The soldiers for the extras in the battle scenes were all Romanian! (I watched the special effects too.) I also finished stripping my little night stand!! Hurray!! Finally, I didn’t think that I would ever be able to get those round detailed legs completely clean. I have been told to wait for 48 hours before I re-stain it. I will probably stain it next weekend. That should be a good 48 hours. Oh, I have to do laundry. I should say that I still have to do laundry: probably will be this evening’s task. Ho hum….I am glad that I made it to Monday.
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive
Wow, What a weekend!! I had no idea it would go by so quickly! There was work, movies, friends and fun! It was a really long and hard weekend for which I will probably not truly feel the effects of until mid-Wednesday. I saw “The Notebook” on Friday night and it made me cry!! I mean boohoo-’ed! It is the date movie for married couples everywhere. Saturday….oh Saturday….Working six days is not my cup of tea however, eight hours of overtime doesn’t bother me in the least! We had a “retreat” on Saturday for some specifics at work. It was nice, but long. Being a peon, I couldn’t find any reason for me to be there. It seemed more management oriented. I think the reasons the peons were there was to make us feel important even though we aren’t. I was grateful once it was all said and done so I could go to the coffee shop and do nothing. After about an hour there I went home to freshen up and off to Alice’s to meet for dinner with several friends. Saturday was my fourth anniversary so I invited an intimate few to eat dinner before picking up a chip. It was nice. I really enjoyed myself. Sunday, I tried my best not to move. I was fearful that if I didn’t take my rest while I had the chance that I would end up in crazy world by Monday morning. I have to be prepared for work otherwise I am cranky and sarcastic and just misplaced mentally. My attitude goes right to the gutter if I am not well rested. So I stuck close to home. I did go out twice: once to return movies and get groceries; once to go meet with friends and talk about God for the night. I watched “Monster” Sunday morning. Ugh. What a story. Some stories are best left unsaid. That was one of them. Too much, way too much. Although I agree as to why Charlise won the Oscar. She definitely deserved it. She actually deserved it years ago for Devil’s Advocate, but the movie as a whole was only so-so even though her performance was tremendous. I watched Cold Mountain again too. I really like that movie. I think it is interesting that it is a movie about love in the south during the Civil War and not a single person in the cast was remotely southern. The soldiers for the extras in the battle scenes were all Romanian! (I watched the special effects too.) I also finished stripping my little night stand!! Hurray!! Finally, I didn’t think that I would ever be able to get those round detailed legs completely clean. I have been told to wait for 48 hours before I re-stain it. I will probably stain it next weekend. That should be a good 48 hours. Oh, I have to do laundry. I should say that I still have to do laundry: probably will be this evening’s task. Ho hum….I am glad that I made it to Monday.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Let’s go to the movies!
Hurray! Inman made it to Cold Mountain (unfortunately for him!). I wasn’t sure that I would ever get through that movie. It just drives me nuts to put off a good movie, especially the epics. The only fault with the epics is that they are inevitably three hours. Oh, but how worth it they are. There is nothing like having hot tea, a bagel with cream cheese, a comfy throw and long snuggly couch to warm up to a three hour DVD. It is somehow just a nice night at home. Now I get to watch all the tidbits that come with the DVD which is really the whole reasoning behind having it. Hurray! I think I will have to do my laundry first though. I hate laundry. It stacks and stacks and never ends (Kind of like the epic). Oh I seem to be in good spirits today. My goodness it is about time.
Hurray! Inman made it to Cold Mountain (unfortunately for him!). I wasn’t sure that I would ever get through that movie. It just drives me nuts to put off a good movie, especially the epics. The only fault with the epics is that they are inevitably three hours. Oh, but how worth it they are. There is nothing like having hot tea, a bagel with cream cheese, a comfy throw and long snuggly couch to warm up to a three hour DVD. It is somehow just a nice night at home. Now I get to watch all the tidbits that come with the DVD which is really the whole reasoning behind having it. Hurray! I think I will have to do my laundry first though. I hate laundry. It stacks and stacks and never ends (Kind of like the epic). Oh I seem to be in good spirits today. My goodness it is about time.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
And in your waiting hands
I will land
and roll out of my skin
Oh, I sure love days off, however, it sure makes my head miss the week. All of sudden it’s Wednesday and I have no idea how I got this far into the week. Yesterday, I tried to slow my week down, but it just didn’t happen. I ended up at a baby shower for a woman who I don’t really know. She works with me and while I don’t work in a tremendously sized company or anything, it is still one of those things that you don’t necessarily know someone when they work in another department. She is in the pharmacy warehouse and has been here since Christmas. She is really nice and seems friendly enough. I just think, well, it doesn’t matter what I think. I did the right thing and went to the party. I was miserably uncomfortable, but smiled and got myself a plate to eat, submitted a gift of diapers and a card, waited for an opportune time and jetted. The really bad part of the shower was not so much the shower its self as was the precursor of buying the diapers. The experience totally set me up for insecurity at the party. I went to Wal-Mart thinking: if I were a mom that’s where I would go to get baby stuff. So I walk in ask the front woman: Where are your diapers? She looked at me smirked and pointed me in the right direction. I then proceeded to the card section, picked out a congratulation-on-the-baby-boy card and headed to the register. I asked the woman at the counter if the diapers were a good purchase. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “You don’t have any kids do you?”
“No,” I replied, she said in all earnest, “You aren’t from around here are you?” I just looked at her and politely said, “No, I am from Atlanta.” She LAUGHED at me. The Wal-Mart lady laughed at me for not having children and being from Atlanta. It made me want to go back to Atlanta so that I would be amongst those who actually graduated from high school along without having two kids by two men and went on to college. Maybe that is a harsh thing to want, but after being laughed at, I am still a bit spiteful. I am glad that I left the party when I did. It gave the gossips less to gossip about me. That was one of the other problems was that those involved were not people that I was attracted to in any form and try to stay away from due to extreme defects that have a tendency to be very ferocious when executed. I felt though that the party was good because I was polite and behaved well. I even helped make the punch and set the table. My Mom would be proud. Afterwards, I went and did my yoga and went to my girlfriend’s house in yet another attempt to watch Cold Mountain. I had yet to get all the way through my new DVD and still am left waiting. We didn’t finish it last night either. It was ten-fifteen, which is on the late side for a school night so the movie was turned off just as Inman was about to make it to Cold Mountain. I guess he will forever remain on the quest until he gets there. I was in bed by ten-forty-five and was grateful that I had a friend who respected me enough to not try to keep me up all night but rather let me sleep so I can better take care of myself. I can’t imagine what my behavior would have been like if I had been at that party yesterday and had no sleep. I’d have been a sassy little devil, I’m sure.
I will land
and roll out of my skin
Oh, I sure love days off, however, it sure makes my head miss the week. All of sudden it’s Wednesday and I have no idea how I got this far into the week. Yesterday, I tried to slow my week down, but it just didn’t happen. I ended up at a baby shower for a woman who I don’t really know. She works with me and while I don’t work in a tremendously sized company or anything, it is still one of those things that you don’t necessarily know someone when they work in another department. She is in the pharmacy warehouse and has been here since Christmas. She is really nice and seems friendly enough. I just think, well, it doesn’t matter what I think. I did the right thing and went to the party. I was miserably uncomfortable, but smiled and got myself a plate to eat, submitted a gift of diapers and a card, waited for an opportune time and jetted. The really bad part of the shower was not so much the shower its self as was the precursor of buying the diapers. The experience totally set me up for insecurity at the party. I went to Wal-Mart thinking: if I were a mom that’s where I would go to get baby stuff. So I walk in ask the front woman: Where are your diapers? She looked at me smirked and pointed me in the right direction. I then proceeded to the card section, picked out a congratulation-on-the-baby-boy card and headed to the register. I asked the woman at the counter if the diapers were a good purchase. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “You don’t have any kids do you?”
“No,” I replied, she said in all earnest, “You aren’t from around here are you?” I just looked at her and politely said, “No, I am from Atlanta.” She LAUGHED at me. The Wal-Mart lady laughed at me for not having children and being from Atlanta. It made me want to go back to Atlanta so that I would be amongst those who actually graduated from high school along without having two kids by two men and went on to college. Maybe that is a harsh thing to want, but after being laughed at, I am still a bit spiteful. I am glad that I left the party when I did. It gave the gossips less to gossip about me. That was one of the other problems was that those involved were not people that I was attracted to in any form and try to stay away from due to extreme defects that have a tendency to be very ferocious when executed. I felt though that the party was good because I was polite and behaved well. I even helped make the punch and set the table. My Mom would be proud. Afterwards, I went and did my yoga and went to my girlfriend’s house in yet another attempt to watch Cold Mountain. I had yet to get all the way through my new DVD and still am left waiting. We didn’t finish it last night either. It was ten-fifteen, which is on the late side for a school night so the movie was turned off just as Inman was about to make it to Cold Mountain. I guess he will forever remain on the quest until he gets there. I was in bed by ten-forty-five and was grateful that I had a friend who respected me enough to not try to keep me up all night but rather let me sleep so I can better take care of myself. I can’t imagine what my behavior would have been like if I had been at that party yesterday and had no sleep. I’d have been a sassy little devil, I’m sure.
Monday, July 05, 2004
A quick glance
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this
Wow, what a weekend. Things like fireworks are the complete opposite of the premise behind diamonds. I have come to find that people from Avondale are more like fireworks than diamonds. I was so excited to see all the folks from Avondale. Who would guess that they would be just as excited to see me? I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I missed them all so much and I was grateful to be able to see them, that all my expectations were eliminated. Their smiles, hugs and kisses made me realize how much Avondale is home. In leaving it all behind made me realize how quickly it is all gone. I wish I could get it back some days. I think that is one of the problems that I have always had that has not been a problem for my brother: he is really good at maintaining relationships and I can't keep up to save my life. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention, it makes me unbearable and morose. Other times I can revel in the memory and bring forth the love within that memory and it becomes a comfort. Hopefully, the laughter and love of last night will be something that I will have the capability to bring forth in times of need.
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this
Wow, what a weekend. Things like fireworks are the complete opposite of the premise behind diamonds. I have come to find that people from Avondale are more like fireworks than diamonds. I was so excited to see all the folks from Avondale. Who would guess that they would be just as excited to see me? I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I missed them all so much and I was grateful to be able to see them, that all my expectations were eliminated. Their smiles, hugs and kisses made me realize how much Avondale is home. In leaving it all behind made me realize how quickly it is all gone. I wish I could get it back some days. I think that is one of the problems that I have always had that has not been a problem for my brother: he is really good at maintaining relationships and I can't keep up to save my life. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention, it makes me unbearable and morose. Other times I can revel in the memory and bring forth the love within that memory and it becomes a comfort. Hopefully, the laughter and love of last night will be something that I will have the capability to bring forth in times of need.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
Sometimes I forget that I am in my own movie and I am the star. My perspective gets all shot out by my emotions. Things stretch and warp out. I ended up having a decent little birthday yesterday. People called me all day long. I was sung to by the mariachi band at the Mexican restaurant and got fried ice cream. I was surrounded by friends. It was nice. I finally figured out what made me sad though (and I don’t think I will blog when I am sad again!). I missed my Mom and Dad. They are in New Orleans and normally they are an active part of the day and they weren’t here. Who would guess that my sadness would be so simple? I made plans for tonight and am rev-ed up for the third and fourth. I have Monday off and will be able to work hard on my home and recoup. I am tickled. Emotions are hard things. Well, maybe not to people who have been dealing with them forever, but I didn’t really start dealing with them until about four years ago. Oh, that is going on too. On the tenth I will have four years. Who would imagine that I would not drink and not smoke? Gosh, it was hard not to smoke yesterday. My girlfriend left a pack of cigarettes in my car. I didn’t realize they were there until they called my name and said “SMOKE ME.” Ugh. I loved smoking. I realize that it was bad for me; however, anyone who knows what it means to be a smoker knows what I am talking about otherwise folks just don’t know. I had a smoker from work remove them from my car. I figured just as long as I didn’t touch them, I would have a better opportunity at not smoking them. Things went well, I didn’t smoke. There was a time when I felt the same way about drinking. Now it is not even a glimpse of my life. That is a little miracle. People say that babies are miracles, and maybe they are, but I realize me not having and obsession and compulsion to drink is also a miracle. I thought I would be drunk forever or at least until I was dead. I am glad that is not a truth today. Oh, I had a good day after all yesterday. Thank goodness.
In a universe made up of one
Sometimes I forget that I am in my own movie and I am the star. My perspective gets all shot out by my emotions. Things stretch and warp out. I ended up having a decent little birthday yesterday. People called me all day long. I was sung to by the mariachi band at the Mexican restaurant and got fried ice cream. I was surrounded by friends. It was nice. I finally figured out what made me sad though (and I don’t think I will blog when I am sad again!). I missed my Mom and Dad. They are in New Orleans and normally they are an active part of the day and they weren’t here. Who would guess that my sadness would be so simple? I made plans for tonight and am rev-ed up for the third and fourth. I have Monday off and will be able to work hard on my home and recoup. I am tickled. Emotions are hard things. Well, maybe not to people who have been dealing with them forever, but I didn’t really start dealing with them until about four years ago. Oh, that is going on too. On the tenth I will have four years. Who would imagine that I would not drink and not smoke? Gosh, it was hard not to smoke yesterday. My girlfriend left a pack of cigarettes in my car. I didn’t realize they were there until they called my name and said “SMOKE ME.” Ugh. I loved smoking. I realize that it was bad for me; however, anyone who knows what it means to be a smoker knows what I am talking about otherwise folks just don’t know. I had a smoker from work remove them from my car. I figured just as long as I didn’t touch them, I would have a better opportunity at not smoking them. Things went well, I didn’t smoke. There was a time when I felt the same way about drinking. Now it is not even a glimpse of my life. That is a little miracle. People say that babies are miracles, and maybe they are, but I realize me not having and obsession and compulsion to drink is also a miracle. I thought I would be drunk forever or at least until I was dead. I am glad that is not a truth today. Oh, I had a good day after all yesterday. Thank goodness.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Bunny BOOOYYYYYYY!!
That is probably one of the funniest scenes from that movie, everything else is sad.
So today I am 28. I am sad and scared, happy and excited and young and old. There is something on the inside of me that is in high anticipation of something grand and wonderful for my day, but I recognize that it doesn’t happen that way anymore and it makes my anticipation of no use, which is confusing. I really want to be little again with a big pool party and all my friends invited, a cookie cake and a Coke-a-Cola theme to boot. I want the Barbie cake with the Barbie stuck in the top and the dress is the cake. I want to go back to Virginia to celebrate with all my friends and have a McDonald’s Playground party: the tons of toys, the smiles and pictures, themed party favors to give away with love and laughter of family and friends. No one is here. There are phone calls from people far away and an office gift of Bath & Body works. There was a cake with candles from my boss with flowers because she knows how much of little girl I still am and is so loving and kind and gracious to love me on my special day. I am so grateful for my boss. She is exactly what I need. I try to pretend that flowers and a ten dollar hurrah are just perfect, but it isn’t. I don’t really want to be 28. It feels too much like a birthday an adult would have. There is a dialogue from one of my all time favorite movies that goes something like this:
“Are we going to be exactly like our parents when we grow up?”
“Not me, not ever.”
“I don’t want to grow up”
“Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“When you grow up your heart dies.”
No one tells you the secrets of adulthood, but what I have learned is that there is one cardinal rule: you can never be a child. No one tell you how much that is going to hurt. There is something about this birthday that makes me cry. I don’t know if it is the absence of loved ones or the lack of importance of the day or if it is just that I have been growing up so much in the past four years and now with such an insignificant number, I am the adult. I am doing things like “nesting” and paying bills and driving cars, making decisions for a future life and somehow, that callous that separates me from the child me, grows and I become a little more disheartened. There is no way to go back. There is no way to stay in that child’s eye and maintain that same blissful, wishful happiness. It doesn’t exist anymore. Grief is what the books and my Dad call it. “Don’t give me any grief,” he says. I can see why he has been telling me that. Heartache hurts. I am sure that there is some reason for celebration amidst all this depressed talk. A day of birth is one of celebration. My parents didn’t even tell me the story of my birth today, that tells me how adult I have become: you were born before they allowed dads back in the delivery room and there was a Philippine nurse who came out to get him in the waiting room; I didn’t hear her at first because of her accent being so heavy; “Mr. Glean, Mr. Glean,” she said; “Mr. Glean you have a dawtaw, you have a dawtaw Mr. Glean!”; you were born at 6:23 PM. (Or maybe it was am, can’t remember) Everyone keeps asking me what am I going to do for my birthday? I think, what I will do is just make it through the day and hopefully the upswing of this day will hit me.
That is probably one of the funniest scenes from that movie, everything else is sad.
So today I am 28. I am sad and scared, happy and excited and young and old. There is something on the inside of me that is in high anticipation of something grand and wonderful for my day, but I recognize that it doesn’t happen that way anymore and it makes my anticipation of no use, which is confusing. I really want to be little again with a big pool party and all my friends invited, a cookie cake and a Coke-a-Cola theme to boot. I want the Barbie cake with the Barbie stuck in the top and the dress is the cake. I want to go back to Virginia to celebrate with all my friends and have a McDonald’s Playground party: the tons of toys, the smiles and pictures, themed party favors to give away with love and laughter of family and friends. No one is here. There are phone calls from people far away and an office gift of Bath & Body works. There was a cake with candles from my boss with flowers because she knows how much of little girl I still am and is so loving and kind and gracious to love me on my special day. I am so grateful for my boss. She is exactly what I need. I try to pretend that flowers and a ten dollar hurrah are just perfect, but it isn’t. I don’t really want to be 28. It feels too much like a birthday an adult would have. There is a dialogue from one of my all time favorite movies that goes something like this:
“Are we going to be exactly like our parents when we grow up?”
“Not me, not ever.”
“I don’t want to grow up”
“Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“When you grow up your heart dies.”
No one tells you the secrets of adulthood, but what I have learned is that there is one cardinal rule: you can never be a child. No one tell you how much that is going to hurt. There is something about this birthday that makes me cry. I don’t know if it is the absence of loved ones or the lack of importance of the day or if it is just that I have been growing up so much in the past four years and now with such an insignificant number, I am the adult. I am doing things like “nesting” and paying bills and driving cars, making decisions for a future life and somehow, that callous that separates me from the child me, grows and I become a little more disheartened. There is no way to go back. There is no way to stay in that child’s eye and maintain that same blissful, wishful happiness. It doesn’t exist anymore. Grief is what the books and my Dad call it. “Don’t give me any grief,” he says. I can see why he has been telling me that. Heartache hurts. I am sure that there is some reason for celebration amidst all this depressed talk. A day of birth is one of celebration. My parents didn’t even tell me the story of my birth today, that tells me how adult I have become: you were born before they allowed dads back in the delivery room and there was a Philippine nurse who came out to get him in the waiting room; I didn’t hear her at first because of her accent being so heavy; “Mr. Glean, Mr. Glean,” she said; “Mr. Glean you have a dawtaw, you have a dawtaw Mr. Glean!”; you were born at 6:23 PM. (Or maybe it was am, can’t remember) Everyone keeps asking me what am I going to do for my birthday? I think, what I will do is just make it through the day and hopefully the upswing of this day will hit me.
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