I know who I want to take me home....


John & I got our wedding bands yesterday. I actually get two wedding bands. One will be fused to my engagement ring and one is so people won't steal my engagement ring. I am so spoiled. Unfortunately, the rings came on the wrong check. They came on the rent check instead of the oh-my-gosh-I-have-money check. Yeah, I recognize I should be more responsible than that, but I am not. Don't get me wrong, I can pay John's ring, I just will be very uncomfortable about it. John thought it was great fun saying that it is interesting how the rings arrival coincides with us being broke. He says we are as broke as two young married people could be...we don't have anything. I think he's nuts. We have everything. AND we can pay for our rings in installments, easy peasy my friend. It is funny though. It never occured to me that marriage and being broke went hand in hand. But when I think about it, that is exactly what happened to my parents. Happy living off the parents to broke in seminary. I don't know that will be so true for John & I. This was just a big expense. Hopefully, I will grow a little more and have a stock for expenses from here on out....nah. But maybe.

It was nice to see them. They are beautiful and clean. The rings fit both of us each perfectly. Perfectly. Like I was meant to wear that ring. Slid on like I'd been wearing it my whole life. There was something just moving about trying it on. It spooked me so badly I jumped to take it off. But then I put it back on again. Oh, I can't wait.

Countdown: 65 days

Oh Cecilia, your breaking my heart,
You're shakin my confidence daily,
Oh Celcilia, I'm down on my knees,
I'm beggin you please to come home... come on home

There is something comforting about that song. It reminds me of growing up in a home where music was played on Saturdays once the TV was turned off (soul train came on and was not appropriate for us) and we played outside, with friends, did ugh chores. Mom & Dad had an LP of this song, I guess album. It just reminds me of easier days. Lately my days have been really really hard. I am trying to eat healthier. Ideally, I will lose 20 pounds by the wedding AND be able to eat better so that I don't gain it all back afterwards. That is hard. Today I ate a salad, that I have decided was a bit much, that had baby spinach and something purple leafed that wasn't cabbage, fresh red peppers, pecans, corn, hickory smoked sausage with a home made balsamic vinegar and oil dressing that had oregano and basil in it. Now that sounds amazing doesn't it? First that I would even be willing to eat a salad. Second that it had red peppers and broccoli in it. Finally, that I would think of it to make into a salad dressing? Who is this woman that possesses my body? It is hard. Really hard. I think I was a little heavy on the red pepper though and I think I am going to switch my balsamic to apple vinegar tomorrow. I actually have all these things in my refridgerator. I also have a creamy vegetable dip (I also made it) in case I get snacky. It is really hard. I really am believing in divine intervention on this one. I am not eating between meals either. Really hard. I miss easier times when Mom would make lunch for me and there was always something tasty made. In the mornings I am running stairs. I am not excercising for a minimum of anything. I am just doing it until I get totally exhausted and then doing situps and push ups in between then going and doing it again. I do that before I go to work. I am nuts. I was listening to NPR this morning and they said that there is no miracle diet or pill that will help people lose weight, each person has to find what works for them. I hope this works for me. People say that they can already tell that I am losing weight. I can't decide if they are being nice or not. I won't know until I go weigh in at the dr's.

You know the most comforting thing? Having someone in the house with you even if you are not in the same room. That's the thing I look forward to with John: having a family again. I can remember the music playing an being in my room playing with my Barbies (probably because I had been sent to my room for being bad, but whatever). Mom would be in the kitchen doing whatever or the sun room reading. Carter would be in his world. Dad would be mowing, weeding, gone to see someone, on the computer working on his never ending book. I don't even know what my family does any more. There is no other language other than WEDDING. No more, so how are you? Just Have you booked the? Or how's the whatsit coming along? Have you talked to the ? Or my personal favorite, hang on I'll get your mother. I actually had to tell my mother that I didn't call to talk to her the other day. What ever happened to riding bikes, walking Ms. Cook's dog and tire swings? It is really hard to be familiar right now. Really hard. Of course, I am so tired, I don't have any other language to speak in either. I don't know how to talk in any other way. Not even with friends. Familiar things like football, labor day or autumn is coming are not even in the vocabulary. 66 Days and Panic are. It is really hard. God keeps telling me that this too shall pass. Its temporary. Nothing is real but Me. Everything is an illusion except love. God is love. It will change. Hopefully there will be a tire swing involved in the change.

The nice things about Saturdays was no school. Even if there was some type of school work, it was a pitiful excuse for my teachers to challenge me. These days work just keeps on hitting me. HOLY Smokes some of the things I have experienced, no man should. My guess is that it can only get better from here. I have headaches. I have big questions that why would anyone trust me to make these decisions is beyond me! I mean, what to they think I am? Some kind of adult? There was no notice today that I was thirty. Normally there is a comment, "okay thanks, kid" or "you're too young to know", but today it was all about the action. What have you done, decided, worked out with, facilitated? It is really hard. I mean wow. Who knew that this is why my brother makes the big bucks? God is my new employer, but the stuff we are doing together is frightening. It used to be easy to just play with make-up in the mirrors in my bathroom, which were everywhere. Or go hiking in the woods over to Elizabeth's house, where we could go listen to EJ's garage band next door. He was sooo cute. I could hear my Mom yell for me to come home for dinner.

I am ready to come home...come on home.

Count down: 66 days

Oh where oh where has my Rachel gone? Oh where, oh where could she be?

I made an effort to dissappear last night into movies. Turns out that is impossible. Watched a comedy thing that is called the Aristocrats. Yeah, now I know why the lady bagged my movies. It was a documentary on one joke. At first I thought, hmm, how are they going to get two hours out of one joke? Yeah, it was that bad. I turned it off. The really bad part was that it that the joke is not funny. I kept thinking there was a hitch. Nope, just a bad movie. It has been a while since I have had one of those. The other movie was called BRICK. I didn't finish it, but it was well written flick with lots of good young actors who are mostly in transition as far as what part to play. They are too old to be teenagers and too young to be adults. It seemed good so far. I had to go to bed though. Lack of sleep leads to lack of power and that is a dilemma. I think I am going to try to disappear again tonight. I am just not up for dealing with the world today. I am actually really tired (did I mention that I went to bed?not only that I went to bed on time?). I am still tired. Time to bail out on work and go to a business expo (more work, but awake work) because it is next to my house and that means when I am done with the expo I can get home faster! Zip...I'm gone.

Countdown: 71 days

Aint nothin but a God thing...

I am completely exhausted. My house was so clean when I went to bed last night and I had so much on my plate at work today, I didn't sleep. I mean, I slept, but today I feel like I didn't sleep. My mind even in my dreams, I was thinking about what needed to be done, what had been done and if it was acceptable, what might happen if I do it this way, what doesn't happen if that happens, . . .

Megan came and cleaned my house today. She said there was more dust in my home than she'd seen in any house she cleans. And I thought my house was clean.

My board meeting today was filled with personal criticism. I was called cold, unfeeling and unflexible. I should be ashamed of myself and embarrased. And I thought I was friendly, fun and compromising. I thought that I should be confident and have self pride in my work.

Strangely, my reactions were none. I used to react. I used to scream and kick and cry and cuss and drink and smoke. I used to eat pints of icecream. I didn't do that today. I laughed at Megan. Why else would I hire you to clean my clean house? I knew it wasn't clean-clean, only sort of clean. I looked at my hands when I was told I was cold and unfeeling. I don't know that anything would have made any difference. I am sure my feelings were on my face, but I didn't even cry. I held my breath. Can't get in trouble for a look on your face. Can only get in trouble for the words that come out of the mouth. No words. No trouble. I did cry once they were all gone. It was hard not to say anything. It was hard to be publicly called unfeeling and cold. It was even harder to hold my breath. Crying I felt was appropriate and not crying in front of the person who said it was even more appropriate. I didn't hit. I didn't scream. I didn't cuss. I am still sober. I am still without a cigarette. I am still without any icecream.

You know, there is only one way that happens.....Divine Intervention. Today was a good day.

Countdown: 73 Days

For my little brother and his cold...


Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime.
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up,
And said, "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"
"Now let me get this straight ",
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you called your doctor, woke him up,
And say, 'Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say, Doctor, dooooctor, to relieve this belly ache?'
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together,
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better,
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning
Wouh wouh wouh wouh wouh
Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime.
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up,
She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up,
Say "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say Doctor! let me get this straight".
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
Put the lime in the coconut, you such a silly woman!,
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together,
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better.
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both down
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning
Woo Woo, ain't there nothin' you can take, I say
Woo Woo, to relieve my belly ache,
You say woo woo ain't there nothin' I can take, I say
Woo woo, to relieve your belly ache,
You say yah yah, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say
Waah waah, to relieve this belly ache,
I say doctor!, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say doctor!, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say doctor!, ain't there nothin' I can take,
I say Doctor!, you such a silly woman!,
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together,
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better,
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up,
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the moooooorning,
Yes, you call me in the morning,
If you call me in the morning, then [X5]

Countdown: 74 days

First things first: Happy Birthday Little Brother!

I'm trying to tell you somethin bout my life...

I went away this weekend to West Virginia. Typically, John & I go up there because our cell phones don't work and our heads stop thinking. We are able to relax, eat and sleep. This was not true for me this weekend. John did some sleeping, and ate a lot! But not I. Question: What size are the tables? Can you take a measuring tape to find out? Is there a dimmer switch in the restaurant so that we can turn the lights up? How are our families ever going to get along if they don't like my son? Is the table for the grooms cake round or square? How big is it? Will the person who is cutting the cake cut small pieces so to use every part? Why doesn't the florist carry baby's breath? How are you going to do your hair? Is there a hair stylist close by who can fix my hair? What does the dress look like? Is it okay that I wear navy blue? What is your mother wearing? Is that going to clash? What color is midnight blue?

So much for that weekend.

I am tired. I did get to bed on time sort of last night. I got up this morning and ran steps, did crunches and push-ups. I have eaten well so far. I haven't seen effective enough results in my dieting (without exercising) so I had to add exercise. I don't know if I am willing to do it tomorrow, but I was today. Time to lose 20 pounds one way or another. I will know all when I go to the doctor again on September 25. I was last weighed there and since they are "THE DOCTOR" they would have better scales right? Somehow I haven't really been motivated to do anything until recently. Michelle gave me a healthy living cook book that I am going to try and eat out of for a while. It has lots of good things and for less calories than say...McDonalds. I have thought about joining Weight Watchers, but I feel bad for complaining about my weight when I am not really fat. I am just not in the right weight range. Anyway...I did eat right when I went to WVA which is hard to do because Mrs. K likes to feeeeeeeeddddd meeeeee...stuff me plenty.

Count down: 75 Days...

Somebody leave the light on...

Oh how I miss school. I have been in training for work for the past two days and I love to learn. I am sure that is something I get from my Dad, the master of disaster student. The man got straight A's on his DOCTORATE. What? That's crazy. Yes, my family. Carter actually ended up with the ability to make straight A's, but I think I got the desire to learn. I talked it over with John and I have wanted to get an advanced degree for some time. I ideally would like to go into law. I don't know that will happen. An Agnes Scott buddy suggested an MPA to enhance what I do. I thought that was a great idea. Now, I have to seek it out. God knows I want to learn. God knows I am ready to go back to school. I also want to see how I will do in school without being drunk. That should be interesting. I was an A-/B+ student in high school. Surely I can be in college. When I am drunk, I am a C- student. That is more than I can say for some drunk college students. I miss the challenge. I miss the academic rhetoric at the dinner table with honest knowledge about the topics. Someone who is not afraid to debate and know that it is not personal. John is about the only person I can do this with, it would be nice to have more people.

Such a dream.

Ring my beeeeeeellllll
Ring my bell...


I love cell phones. The standard phone bills don't give you what a cell phone bill does. In my standard bill it says that I owe the company for $35 a month plus long distance. That is ridiculous. Cell phone bills tell me an inventory of my life over the past month. My cell phone used minutes this month were 1814. What does that mean? It means I TALK ON THE PHONE A LOT. Not that I needed a cell phone bill to tell me that. I remember three things about my thirteenth birthday: 1) I got my ears pierced. 2) I was allowed to wear make-up. 3) I got a telephone in my room. I also remember having cake at Granddaddy's house in Bent Tree and going to the pool with my cousins. I can remember when I got my phone in my room as a teenager, I loved it. I used to stay up until four in the morning talking to my best friend Marlon. He and I couldn't talk enough. Mom would come in and catch me and ope! I had to go. She would be so mad. These days, I am not up until four in the morning, and generally if I am on the phone at that time, something is really wrong. But I make up for lost time when I am awake.

I like to check my minutes on my bill to see who it is that wins the contest of the most minutes used in one sitting. This month, not surprising and the leader most months, at 91 minutes straight....Michelle. I talk to her more than any other human on earth. However, in a surprise second for a once a year phone call at 73 minutes, Aunt Bonnie called from South Carolina. Birthday! Hurrah! Tagging along in third place which is usual because she talks to me on the phone every day, on email sometimes twice a day and normally she puts in at least one good long phone call, but hasn't placed in several months because she doesn't like to talk on the phone for long periods of time....Mom with 44 minutes. So what does all this information tell me? My Mom loves me. Thank goodness. My Aunt is a real talker and I should only afford one of her calls a year! It also tells me that I turned 30 this month. AND it tells me, I had a total and complete mental break down. Thusly, the call with Michelle. She is my spiritual guru. In just an hour and a half she can save my relationship with a best friend, help me keep my job, and convince me that life is worth living. Amazing. That's worth 91 minutes.

Oh! There's my phone now.

I was on my way to the center of the sun

When I lost my wings and fell into a crowd

Some days I wonder what planet I am on. I hear people say stay positive, don't be a negative person. Don't worry, be happy. Love is all around. I see that people write books on the power of positive thinking. Its attitude that will get you altitude. The thing I can't figure is what happens when there is just a bad day. I mean, yesterday I lost all hope to have a good day. It was trucking along in a hypnotic way and took a left turn into bad day-ness. There was no stopping it. I thought surely, surely something good was going to come along. Nope. Bad Day. What is worse, is there is no one to blame. When a dog is bad you say bad dog. When a child is bad, you say bad boy, bad girl. When a day is bad...there is no way to make it change or let it know...it was in error. People tell me all the time that I am a negative person and should take a look at that. I have decided that I Don't Care. I am not a murderer. I am not beating people up in the street. I am not insulting inncocent people. I am just me. If that means sometimes I am negative, then sometimes I am negative. Some days are just bad days and they eat me for lunch. I tried desperately to put a good spin on yesterday, there is no way. No spin. It was unrighteous and it was my turn.

Today, I am totally hungover from yesterday. Today, I am going to sink into movies, clean my house and vanish for a few hours. No work, no fiancee, no girlfriends, no wedding. Just take a break. Maybe I will get my nails done too. Bleck. Recoop is what I am desperate for...rest. Rest would be really good. Going to BJ's would be really good, but I have to wait until next weekend. Rest. Maybe. Rest.

There are several types of people out there.

There are earth people, example: Carter, Kent, Sarah, James, Chrissie. Normal everyday people who live, play, work, love in this world. Then there are moon people. They are people who think the earth possesses abilities and everything has a meaning: example, I went to a moon woman party and they were so excited to go to this woman's house because it was located over the largest piece of blue crystal in the world. Sometimes I wonder if these people are anywhere close to being on this planet. At this same party I went to, there was a big dinner where everyone brought something (vegetarian of course). Also, the women went around in a circle discussing what their totems were. I have no idea what a totem is, but they explained it to me like this: it is the animal that you see the most of but is the rarest. The animal you connect with inside. At the time I thought "To the Moon, Alice" but the question has always stuck with me. What animal do I see the most and the least that connects with my insides. Today I went into a sign shop to drop off signs and there it was again. It was huge, but it is the same animal I see the most and the least that connects with my insides: a wolf. Where have I seen a wolf before you ask? The first sighting of a wolf was when I lived in Sautee. There on the road that leads to the wild of Trey Mountain was a great white wolf. It was beautiful. I saw it a second time a few days after that with a woman who looked like she was from Trey Mountain too standing at its side. She almost made me have a wreck she was so striking with that wolf next to her. The second time I saw a wolf was when I was moving my friend Christine from location a to location b and her neighbor's "dog" was no dog. It was half wolf. The paws were the size of tires. HUGE. The lengthy way it stepped. All wolf. Unfortunately, I was outside by myself and went running indoors (because it was a little too close for comfort) and Christine confirmed its wolf origins. The third time I saw a wolf, Iris and I went over to Helen to hang out with Tony. On our way home, she was screaming for her bottle so I pulled into the Helen Presbyterian Church Parking lot and stopped to find it. Woof. It said. I gave Iris the bottle and turned around to see where it was coming from....Wolf it was really saying. Slowly, I walked around the car to the other side and waited to open the door. Woof it said. In the car I went. Today in the sign shop. Lubme, it said. No question about that dog, all wolf. Huge dog. Totally domesticated. 1/2 Wolf, 1/2 Malamute. Big Dog. So what is my totem? Six years later, I think it is a wolf. Does that make me a moon person? No. I am a woman in the third type of people. I am those with no name. I am a spirit person. We are crazy as a loon and sober as a judge, but today, I have a moon beam in my hair.