In with the early dawn
moving right along
I couldn't buy an eye of sleep

So this weekend will be nice. I have two new phones and a new dvd player. All of them were zapped in the past week. It was sad too, because one phone I have had since I graduated high school. It finally bit the big one. Hurray, now I can talk on the phone and watch movies all at one time. I have been flower shop crazy in the last couple of days. I went and ate, as usual on Thursday, then today I went and got a bouquet for a woman’s going away party in the office today. THEN!!! I am going to get my own bouquet for my self today at flower hour. I am glad that tomorrow is weekend. The week has been heady and I am behind a bit in my dailies. Hopefully, I will catch up plenty tomorrow. Although, my weekend is pretty well planned too! Tonight, John and I are eating with friends. Tomorrow is the flowershop’s May Market, which should be fun. It is an open vendor day where they will sell fresh produce and what nots in the square of Clarkesville (assuming no rain). Then tomorrow night a friend is in town to speak and there are b’days to celebrate. Then Sunday is District. Busy, busy, oh! I am going to hear Andy Stanley on Sunday too. Rock n’ Roll my friend. Rock n’ Roll.

-Can we talk about something else, please?
-No, I am incapable of small talk, but that is why you love me.

So I went to the gym yesterday and even through I burned a ton of calories, I felt awful. I changed my diet here in the past couple of weeks and after all the researching and talking about it and reading books and magazines and etc, I decided on my brother’s experience, strength and hope to apply in my own life: He did 20 minutes of cardio vascular work 3 times a week and cut 300 calories out of his daily diet. I have tried the Dad plan: replace a meal with a salad. I have tried the Dr. Akins plan: don’t eat sugar and pass out. I have tried the Rachel plan: eat whatever, whenever, wherever and stay plump. The Carter plan seems to be working. I am eating a Lean Cuisine meal at night and if I have to snack I eat grapes. I am eating a salad and fruit at lunch with perhaps a small amount of pasta or a small bag of chips or yogurt for lunch. I am eating a bowl of Special K with strawberries for breakfast. I feel better. I am exercising on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes about 4-5 times a week. I never go two days in a row with out 30 minutes of cardio. I feel better.

Yesterday, I had Zaxby’s hot wings and chicken fingers meal. While I did not swallow without chewing, I did eat a good bit, but not cleaning the plate. Actually, one of my co-workers was surprised that I didn’t eat everything. I was really proud. By the time I got to the gym I was sluggish and run down. I felt tired like I had been carrying a heavy book bag for too long. It reminded me of what Carter must have felt like to get from one class to the other in Chamblee with that giganto book bag he had. So back to the Carter plan I go today. This morning after prayers and shower time, I had a bowl of Special K with strawberries, and something inside of me said never again do I want to go back to being that slug. I like my cereal mornings where I sit at a table surrounded by green plants, watch the sunrise, listen to the creek and read my meditation. This morning’s was about prayer: that prayer is a tool that can be used all day, everyday and that it can be the saving grace in ultimate life darkening times. I feel better already today and am grateful that I can sit at the computer and cross my legs comfortably. I can wear my favorite pair of khakis with no tightness or embarrassment of that strong pull at the top button at the waist and no panty line. Oh, I know that Zaxby’s is a temptation that will no longer be since I enjoy the benefits of the Carter plan more. Thank you God for making me feel better. Thank you God for my brother.

Oh let your light so shine upon me....

So last night I get home for the gym and am debating between Lean Cuisine or salad, when I enter my apartment, grab my phone to check my messages, run to the bathroom. These are daily events that are quick and unthinking, but are daily none the less. As I fllush, the toilet doesn't quite fill up and then I turn on the phone at the same time and not a sound. I flip the light switch and guszitz, zitz, zzz, flash flash. So I turn it off. Check the fridge and it is not on or off rather, dimly lit with no purr. I look at the coffee pot clock and it is blinking. I go to the other clock and it is stagnant. This is what you call the best begining to a horror flick ever. I felt like any minute someone was going to come busting in and get me! So instead. I unplug everything. I get myself a luke cool diet coke and head out the door with the cell phone. I drove to Unicoi State Park and sat in the parking lot on the phone with the power company. I say my power is freaked out like a scary movie and he says, yeah that happens. Yeah, that happens. Turns out that I have underground power and it has for the first time since the house was built in 1989, corroded. The flash flood that happened in the past couple of days, or some like to call it a heavy rain, washed away my power. It gave new meaning to powerless. They were out digging around in the yard at nine thirty last night. I hope it is fixed today. I was not sticking around to sleep in this morning, I found a working alarm clock and a warm bed to be in instead. Ugh, I am really glad that no one was coming to get me.

Everybody has a Tad Hamilton……


What a cute movie. I was tickled to death with this teeny flick. It has limited cussing, a good moral, funny lines, funny people, a real plot, believable characters and a feasible ending. Not to mention it was totally lovable. Realizing love is never easy and this little tale totally worked. My Tad is named John. He is beautiful, intelligent, inspiring, kind, tough and has great legs. Totally lovable. The thing I liked best about the movie is that he is her best friend. Yeah, best friend with benefits. John is one of those, a best friend with benefits. I am so looking forward to the weekend. Going to get the toes done tomorrow. Hurray for the toes, they will be happy and lipstick wine red: the color you wish you had a classic Mustang to sport around town in, with the top down and a pretty person at your side. Sunshine is flourishing outside, might be back to the laying out at the park. Also movies too. Hohoho, Habersham is getting its very own movie theatre next Friday!!! Yeahyeahyeah, no more 30 min, hour drives!! Hurray for Saturdays and Sundays. They make things right again after a work week.

There’s a dark and a troubled side of life,
There’s a bright and sunny side too

The toilet seat wasn’t cold. There was no steam to the shower. My liquid soap was actual liquid, not gel. The windows are open. The sun was easy on the rise. The air smelled like cool mountain air. I am wearing shoes with no toes and no heals. My pants are khaki. People are sneezing. The meteorologists are using the “d” word (drought). My car is turning yellow. The animals are confused and more are ending up in the middle of the road….permanently. The Canadian geese have goslings. The runners are out at the park while the children hang from the monkey bars. There was a free children’s concert in the park last weekend as myself and a girlfriend laid out and laughed, sunned and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Spring has sprung.

Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring streetlights
Sleeping on empty dreams

My alarm clock was piercing this morning. As I was driving out of my driveway, I rolled up my window and the great jungle noises of the woods were zipped into nothingness. The gravel made loud pings in the undercarriage of my car as I approached the main road to turn left for my trek to work. My eyes are puffy. The edges of my nostrils are chapped. My head is ringing with a pound of my heart. I have an emotional hangover. I hate those. They are not nearly as bad as the real thing; however, it is just the aftermath of a crying jag, as Betty would say. The real hangover would leave me with muscle aches, vomiting and the shakes, but today I can go to work, say a prayer, take two Tylenol and in a half hour, be fine. The real hangover had only one cure: another drink. I have had a plentiful week since the last time I wrote yet am not sure that I could get it all out on the page. It is not that I have abandoned my status as a blogger, I have just been overwhelmingly busy to a point that I lost it in the last 24 hours of my life (It being my sanity). I cried for two hours last night. Apparently, this happens when I don’t take care of myself emotionally. Sobeit. I talked for some time with Michelle, then with Debbie and then with Jane. All of these and more are the women who heal my soul. I am grateful. I had more phone calls to return, unfortunately, the pumpkin hour rose quickly and sleep was required. God blessed me as I fell into the arms of the still, quiet peace of my yellow apartment with green plants. I don’t think I will ever go this long with out writing again.

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
……hope this feeling lasts for the rest of my life……

So last night I rented movies and went grocery shopping. I made a couple of mistakes though. First, I went into the movie store on my cell phone. So by the time I got home, I lost all enthusiasm for the movies because I didn’t have any idea what I had rented. Second, I went into the grocery store without a list. I have never done that before yesterday, however, now I realized how pocket heavy and random it is without at list. I spent thirty bucks on food! I never spend that much in one drive by to the store! Third, I went in with the mind set that I was going to get healthy food and walked out with Soft Batch chocolate chip cookies (which are my favorite of course!). Fourth, when I got home, I got on the phone because I had a seven o’clock phone appointment with my spiritual advisor, which I was late for due to the nature of the beast of the day. This made my evening long and means for today that once again today I am tired. I am not super tired, but tired enough that when I received the invitation to go to dinner this evening with friends, I whined. Can you believe it? I whined about dining with friends! I love hanging out with the gang. It is one of the last nights that a friend amongst the mix will be in town and it is a hurrah to send him to Macon. I hope he gets to be okay. Not many of us make it and I want him to make it for no other reason than he is a really nice guy.

I watched this movie last night called Beyond Borders. It had Angelina Jolie in it. It was sad and beautiful and lovely and well, it was a good rented movie. I am glad that I didn’t pay for it on the big screen because it was a tragedy and I don’t like paying that much for tragedies. I would rather walk out feeling good than crying. This movie made me cry. I would say that it falls in the transcontinental romantic tragedy category (transatlantic because it was in three or four continents). It made me want to fall in love in someone’s eyes. Lovely. Just lovely.

DO INDEED BE A GOD!!!!!!!


Hahahaha…..Ugh, I only have five in cash. I wish I carried more cash. Five for lunch? I should have gone to Ingles last night and I didn’t. What to do….McDonalds…yeah…..be good now you are healthier than ever in your life, be good…. the dollar menu (salad and fruit parfait with diet coke) that is good behavior, maybe then chicken counts, hmmmmmm double cheeseburger hmmmmmmm….no, working out must behave…..fine, will compromise and get chicken….

“I’d like a #5 with no tomato and a Sweet Tea” I don’t think I will ever give up my Sweet Tea……
“What kind of drink would you like with that ma’am?”
“Sweet Tea”
“Ma’am, what kind of drink would you like with your #5?”
“SU-Weet Teeee”
“Sweet tea?”
“Yes”
“That will be $5.46, please drive around.”

$5.46? How many sweet teas did I get?
“$5.46”
“Here you go…(automatic window shuts)..um”
“Thank you drive to the next window please” (automatic window shuts again) that girl is laughing at me
okay fine, next window
“Here you go, have a great day” (window begins to shut)
“May I have……”(window shuts) I should see what’s in here…..receipt says #5 and cheeseburger? Someone is looking at you….
(Window opens)
“Do you need something ma’am?”
“Mayo and how did I buy a cheeseburger?”
“Excuse me, mayo and what?”
“Never mind, I paid for it and she ordered it for me and it’s in here! Thanks!”

God gave me a cheeseburger, He must like cheeseburgers too. Hurray. Thanks for the burger God.

all these...
i got bugs
i got bugs in my room
bugs in my bed
bugs in my ears

Oh Gosh, if there ever was a way to wake up, it’s with a bug crawling up your leg! It is the best alarm clock I have ever had. Last night, before I said my prayers, I had just gotten into the apartment, went over to grab the phone and there he was….a wasp. So I look for something to whack him. I grabbed a book, but the bed was too soft. I went for the mop because now he is mad at me for whacking him with a book. I whack him with the mop and he sticks into the spongy part of the mop. I run with the mop into the bathroom and stick it into the toilet to flush him. HE IS STILL ALIVE! Ugh. And he was stuck to the mop. Ugh. So I try to drown him some more, find something to pry him out of the sponge and he has the audacity to start swimming! I flushed. Then I flushed again, just in case he decides to come flying out. I flushed a third time before prayers. Relief. I start onto the phone. My friend Alan had left me a message, so I call him back. Hurray he is home safe and sound from that horrible ick-istan country. He tells me next he is to be stationed in Puerto Rico. Tough life. I climb into bed as I am talking to him and lay my hand down on the comforter and ZING! That sucker left the stinger in the bed! Owee. I finally get the stinger out while talking on the phone, say goodnight to AW and then goodnight to God. This morning the alarm goes off. Now, I allow myself three buzzes on the alarm before on my feet time. I turn the alarm on snooze and slam back into my bed and…..crawling up my leg….ugh. It is a cross between a wasp and a lightening bug. I have been stung by this type before and am not interested in having his cousin get me too. Gosh, there is nothing like jumping out of your skin to get ya going in the morn. I couldn’t lie back down. I was at work thirty minutes early. Ugh.

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed


Well, there has been a death in Avonlea. While no one can imagine that any tragedy should ever happen in such a world, somehow it brought an air of reality to the chapters. For all people for Lucy to kill off, I thought for sure it would be someone other than Ruby. I mean, what-ser-name barely has a part in the book other than plain-Jane and Jane leaves for the west the day that Ruby died! How very inappropriate! Although, I guess in the movies, only one death would hold because this one was more one for introspection on Anne’s behalf. It really told of her passion in her relationships with others, no matter how far removed she might be and relationship with herself. Oh, Ruby. You will be sorely missed. I couldn’t figure out what ever happened to Ruby and Jane in the movie. I made the assumption that Jane married one of her millionaires and Ruby finally settled on a beau of her own. Jane goes west? Maybe she ends up becoming Calamity Jane in the Wild West. JK. Ruby is even more beautiful in her death than ever in her life. Oh…..can you tell it is fax day? I have been swamped all day and with no time for myself. While I have had job after job that has been totally unfulfilling, with time, willingness, hope and self care, God placed me in one that is consistent in its time filling. Thank goodness. I am so ready to relax with a little eliptisizing: loosen my muscles up from the rigid sitting position of the day. Although, I am not sure that I will be up for much more. The weekend was overwhelming in lack of sleep and travel. I used an entire tank of gas. I almost never go over half a tank; on occasion I will hit the three-quarters spot. A whole tank! Man, I am glad I am home. Horray to the Easter Bunny bringing me Matthew McConahey for Easter! That was definitely worth the trip, not to mention the whole spending time with the folks and Cawtaw! I wish that they had told me that Ruby was going to die though. She is so sweet! I can’t believe it’s true, she is written out of the text. Huh.

Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out to the crowd,
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks,
I don't care if I ever get back.........

So me, I rooted for the home team last night. Even after the rents went to bed, I watched ever faithful to the Braves. I have no idea what happened. I felt just like my Dad and my brother. Fell asleep before the end. I woke up to the sound of a tv show brat-tat-tat-tat-ing a machine gun. I turned it off, climbed the steps to the bedroom that has never been mine. This morning when I woke, I assumed they lost. If there is anything that seems to be a guarantee, it is that when I take the time to watch the game and try to participate, the team inevitably loses. I watched the Braves with my family from the time I was in Atlanta until I got fed up because of teenage issues and the fact that I had never seen them win. Funny enough they went first the following season. On occasion since that thirteenth birthday I have tried to watch. I have even been to the Ted twice or three times with friends to see a game to no avail. Although, mostly I went to drink and pretend I was a normal person like my brother and alas, I am not. Just the same, they haven't won while I watch. I am supposed to go with a group of friends and a group of co-workers to see these guys play. While I like to talk a lot of smack about who is the best looking, has the nicest smile and so on, in reality, I get the game. I understand the reasons behind the umpires making the calls they make, the pitchers throwing the pitches they throw and the infielders playing to home as opposed to second. Do I know the history of every player and the reasoning behind the genius of Bobby Cox choosing to place the players in certain roles or the madness behind the big wig Scheurholz picking the players or discarding players? No clue. Does my brother or Dad? Doubtful, otherwise they would be Bobby and John not Carter and Frank. The game is not complicated with flags and knees and whether or not he is over the 12 yard line or why they have to go backwards five yards for no apparent reason. It is clean and clear cut. Try to get around the bases by keeping the ball away from the other team using a bat if you are offense, or defensive, get to the base with the ball before the runner or don't let them have it, or catch it before it hits the ground. Nothing fast or furious. Do this each team for nine halves each. See who gets around the bases the most wins. Got it? Got it. Is it exciting? Yes. Is it interesting, probably with more knoweldge about the players, even more so. Does the team I watch, the Braves, ever win? Supposedly, just not on my watch.

Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's going to rain today.

That seems to be the message for me. I don't like talking to much about the specifics of God. Mostly, I just like the concept behind an ideology that God is love and that is enough. Typically, when I talk about God I refer to him as HP and it doesn't matter how folks refer to Him. Just so that they have Him. However, this weekend is fairly specific and defines the religious beliefs behind a concept of God. I am supposed to come to believe in a power greater than my self and make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. While I have finally come to believe and have made a choice to turn my thoughts and my actions over, I don't really understand Him. Sometimes that is comforting because it defines my existance as a human and not a god of any kind. Sometimes it is frightening because of the magnitude. But somehow after the experience I had last night, today there is a definition to my understanding. I went to a Seder dinner last night with the church I have been visiting. I have been going to Grace Calvary Episcopal Church in Clarkesville. The priest there already knows my name, which I guess is her job, but I don't have the slightest clue as to her name. I run into her all over the place (Subway, Walmart and the flower shop) which I figured was a sign that I was supposed to be listening. She is a decent speaker and I enjoy her sermons. I don't understand all of the pomp and circumstance, but I enjoy the moderate theme that flows through out. The church its self is also beautiful due to its age. It was built at the turn of the last century and it is beautiful... I think I said that. The point is that the church had a Seder dinner in honor of the passover and in honor of Christ's last meal. The meal its self was one of festivity and now I realize the confusion of the disciples. How is it that on this celebratory occasion, the Messiah is so exasberatingly morose? What is it that He knows that we don't? Why is it that he needs this time of prayer and meditation so desperately? While the rest of the church moved in from the festive occasion of celebrating the exodus of Egypt to the Maundy Thursday service in the chapel, I went my own way to talk to the miracles of people I know and talk about God, with out understanding. For some reason my insides said don't go in and perhaps then He won't die. I appreciate the celebration and learned while in the process of having the Seder dinner, however, I was not able to participate in the reminder of death. The woman at the art therapy workshop said that I was angry as a result of a great loss in my life. Now I know that I am truly afraid of facing loss she really didn't need to tell me, but she did, so much so that I couldn't even in a worship service that is nothing more than a reminder of the truth. I realized before I ever came close to leaving the fellowship hall that I would not be able to participate in the rest of the event. Something inside of me even with that dramatic irony, couldn't deal. If there is anything in this world that I hate, it is crying. Not crying because I fell and scraped my knees, not crying because I am happy and laughing. I hate crying because my heart hurts. I hate the emotional pain that occurs as a result of loss. I didn't like losing Laura. I didn't like losing Rufus. I didn't like losing my Aunt Eunice. I didn't like losing First Baptist Church of Decatur. I didn't like losing my high school friends to go to college or my college friends to go to the "real world." I didn't like losing Beth. I didn't like losing my best friend alcohol. I really didn't like losing my Grandmother. All of these things and people are what made me realize that I truly love and with love comes the pendulum swing, pain and loss. Yesterday I realized that I truly loved Christ and I didn't want to participate in the actions that remind me of the loss of Him. While most people cry for loss and go through the motions of berievement, mostly I turn my back and go do something else. I understand that this is not healthy and at some point may have to be addressed in order for me to grow emotionally and spiritually. Today I know that they killed my best friend with malice in their hearts. I can't imagine what I would have done. I am really grateful that I was not in that generation, rather in the generation with which I have been placed so I wouldn't have to experience that kind of pain. I don't know how Mary Magdeline coped. I don't know what is going to happen next, but I am really glad to know the ending of His story which is that He is alive and is still my best friend. I am glad that today I don't have to grieve, rather only to celebrate. I am grateful that He also takes care of all the loss in my life too. I am glad that He has time for me and would show Himself to me first because He knew the amount of pain I was in if I were to be in her position. I am glad He is my best friend and I am glad that He is alive even when we remember His death.

who are we? who we are
trampled moss on your souls
changes all you're a part
seen it all, not at all
can't defend f***ed up man
take me a for a ride before we leave...

There was a crazy man in Habersham County was on the loose all day yesterday. He was captured round the bend from here. He kidnapped his ex-wife and shot her boyfriend and was in a car chase all over the county. Like no one would notice an erratic personal vehicle (look! There goes Billy Bob in that old truck, whys he goin’ so darn fast?). The people watching him pull out knew who he was. Folks were looking for him to race through the streets. It was bigger than a parade! Poor soul he has no idea that he just ruined his life, her life and the other’s life (the guy he shot). Not to mention the fact that his life just became the hottest soap opera in three counties. Everyone in the office knew him or was related to him. I have no clue as to who he is. They say he is crazy on drugs and ….. No one ended up hurt in the end and no one was interested after two. It definitely was a talker though.

This morning’s update is that it made WSB news. Imagine that? Little Habersham made the news! Good, now maybe we will get a Chick-Fil-A! Do you know that Chick-Fil-A has been here three times and scoped out our exit only to turn us down? Ugh. I am so glad I am going to Atlanta for the weekend. Little luxuries like that are what I miss. Although, I guess if I had grown up here I wouldn’t know the difference. I think a Chick-Fil-A would have prevented that man from being so crazy yesterday. I know it does me. I can’t imagine being him though. He must be either super insane or really lost. I hate being lost. My insides get all torn up. I get fearful when I am lost and my emotions get psyched out. Insanity sets in and then God goes away. That’s bad when God goes away. I think he shut God out which is why he went crazy. Guess he’ll have plenty of time to think about it and figure out how to get God back now! Not get God back as in revenge, rather as in internalize God for the betterment of the soul. Nevermind. It was great excitement yesterday just the same.

Sunrise, sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

This morning just didn’t want to be. It was as though I woke up and the morning never changed until all the sudden lunch arrived. I think it has to do with a state of mind that does that. My insides say that it is morn and it just is. If my insides don’t say “okay, it’s warming up outside and the sun is shining bright, must be 10:30 or 11,” then it just doesn’t happen.

I like early morning time at my house. My house, even at eighty degrees, is cool. It is due to it being a basement. I use my blankets, throws, whatever you call them, year round. When I have a day to sleep in until a whole whopping eight-thirty, the air has a smell to it that says clean mountain air. It slows the day down and makes it last a little longer. The coffee can brew at its own pace, the meditation sits inside me and rattles around until it spits out into my journal, the sun treads lightly as it peers into my windows. Sometimes I put on girl music to inspire me to start my day. I put off taking a shower just to soak in the morning. My hair feels crazy beautiful. My eyes are sleepy, but open. Then, the shower I take takes forever. The water trickles warmth into my body. Today, felt like I had one of those days. I felt like I took time with my morning. Unfortunately, day break hit with a force and shattered my pleasantries. Tada~had a great morning, here’s lunch! Made my head spin a bit. I sure do like those slow mountain mornings though.

This is from yesterday:

There are stars in the southern sky
And if ever you decide
You should go
There is a taste of time sweetened honey
Down the seven bridges road

Wow! Long weekend. So long in fact that it made me sick and I went home early from work yesterday. I slept for four hours yesterday once I got home and was tired enough to go to bed on time and sleep through the night. I was so tired last night that I went to prep the coffee maker for this morning, (it has a cool timer on it to spit out coffee at 6:30 am if it is prepped) and the thing spit out hot water. I forgot to put in the coffee so all I had was a hot, wet coffee filter! It really surprised me and made me laugh out loud. Weird dreams last night too. I dreamt that I said good-bye to my high school buddy, Josh. It was weird because out of the three young men who were best friends, (we called them the three amigos) he was not the one I was so attached. I was attached to Marlon, not Josh, but Gavin was in the dream too and drove Josh away. Weird. So anyway, my retreat lasted from Friday until Sunday and wiped me out Monday. I am still icky, but not bad. I think the ick is from me being a dodo and forgetting my Claritin (Or maybe from eating too many grapes at lunch).

This weekend was great. I feel spiritually refreshed. I used to go on retreats with the youth at Smoke Rise and I would have this same type feeling. For some reason though, my ears were shut off and I couldn’t figure out how to apply it in everyday life. I remember at one point that Ernie passed out these daily meditation packets for youth. I had a lot of them. They were disciple now material. I didn’t want to take the time to do them. It felt like homework and I already had so much homework I couldn’t see straight. Now I don’t even go a day hardly without reading my Melanie Beattie. She is the best. Something didn’t click back then. It was as if….I guess, I just didn’t have the experience to appreciate God or something. Maybe, it’s just the path I had to find Him.

I did have a weird experience at the retreat. There was a workshop done by an art therapist. She had us draw certain things: i.e. draw a tree. Then by the way we drew it she could tell us certain things about ourselves. She said that I am an active participant in my environment; that I am practical and fact based and that something else. But before we started I showed her some of my doodles, because I have a tendency to do that and she said that I was angry due to a loss in my life and that lots of fear surrounded it. Anybody could have told you that I was angry. She was really good at reading the art. I kind of felt like I went to go and get my fortune told. It was different. She is right though. I still haven’t grieved a lot of things. The more loss that occurs in my life the less I cry. I am guessing it is a defense mechanism. Ah….sigh….more work for the inner rae.

I did run into my old dance teacher. She walked as funny as ever. Her turn out is wicked and makes her look like a duck. I didn’t say anything to her though. She never actually taught me, however she was the chair of the department. Then again, I may have had her for beginning ballet. Just the same, it was unusual. She is a quacky kind of person anyway. I miss dancing. I really enjoyed it. There is a dance academy up here and they even offer lessons for adults, but it is once a week and forty dollars a month. I am more into the every day thing. I figure that must cost like 500 or something. No one offers it anyway. In school we danced every day and sometimes on Saturday. The die hards had lessons after school too. I tried that once, but mostly the only thing that happened was I got so busy my grades slipped, which was totally unacceptable. I miss it.

Rest high above the cloud no restrictions……

I drove a S430 Mercedes today. I drove an $80,000.00 car. Me. I can’t believe it. It was the smoothest drive I have ever taken in my life. My CEO’s wife, who usually is taken care of by the head admin, however she is out today, was having it serviced, however she was afraid she would miss the man who was coming from the dealership so she asked me to take her to the gym and bring it back to the office to wait on the man. SHE LET ME DRIVE HER THERE and then of course I had to drive it back to the office. Then when the nice Mercedes man came and asked me to sign here, here and here. Then he gave me the keys to the available car in the parking lot that was for her in the meanwhile. Well, it is not really a key per se. It really is this digital looking plastic magnetic thing. There might be a metal part to it; however, it is on the inside. It doubles as a keyless entry. Both “keys” are like this-her car and the newbee that is on loan. When I pulled the key out of the ignition to go inside, I jumped because I thought that I had broken it off in the ignition!! Ha! Nope, it is just the way the key is made. The only reason I know it was not broken is due to the fact that I stuck it back in to restart the car! I totally thought that I had broken the key. I was so embarrassed after I started the car. I was glad I was the only one watching. Well…..I think God might be laughing at me though. I am! My nerves are all shot. The craziest part about it is that when we walked out to get into the vehicle initially, it was still running. She left the keys in this thing and left it running in the parking lot while she was tooling around in the office for thirty minutes!! Now, I have seen a lot of people leave their cars running when they go into the post office or stop in to drop off office supplies or something. It seems to be a common practice up here in these mountains. Mostly, I think it says a lot about the safety up here. However, I have never seen it happen for thirty minutes and never if they own a Mercedes, although walking up to the car I had no idea it was on until I opened the door and got into it. Even driving the dad-gum thing I wasn’t sure it was on except that we were moving! Well, now I know why Uncle George has one. I don’t blame him. When I grow up and become rich, I am going to get one too.

Same deal but different:

2. What color pants are you wearing? Blue jeans!
5. What was the last thing you ate? Pop tarts
7. How is the weather right now? Mountain cold with a burn off by noon
8. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Charles Sherwood
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? legs
11. How are you today? Tired, excited and ready to not be at work
12. Favorite drink? diet vanilla coke
14. Favorite sports? college football.
16. Eye color? Not as blue as my Mom’s, but blue than Dad’s
21. Last Movie you watched? The Wedding Planner
22. Favorite day of the Year? Fourth of July at Mama Toe’s or the McCallum dinner
23. Favorite relaxation spot? On the quad at ASC on a breezed spring day
24. Are you too shy to ask someone out? no
30. Do you want your friends to write back? always
33. What books are you reading? Bible(God), Cold Mountain(Frazier), BB(Bill Wilson & Co)
36. What's on your Mouse Pad? DIVA!
37. Favorite Board Game? Taboo!
39. Favorite smells? Cool summer mountain morning
40. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? nope
41. What inspires you? music, passion, hope, love, art
49. What did you do for your last birthday? Had a party!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE OZE!!!!

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cuz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want to know who I am

So I bought this photograph (as opposed to doing what I was supposed to do which was picking up my dry cleaning!) from this woman that was in the production that I went to last Thursday. It is awesome—both the production and the photograph, however right now I am referring to the photograph. It is of a young woman on cement, barefoot, torn and crying. It is beautiful. It conveys so much emotion it almost makes me cry. The reason I mention it is because I got it today. It was hanging in an art gallery and had a certain time it was supposed to be there, so I obtained it now that it is over, the showing that is. She is beautiful. Right now, she is hanging in my cubicle adjusted by push pins with the above quote (and then some) written out next to her. She conveys hopelessness. I remember that and I totally relate. I don’t want to ever go back to that state and I think this photograph will help remind me of where I began. Strangely enough, I know her personally. I mean the girl in the photograph is also a friend. I remember too, when she used to be that way, hopeless and helpless and today she is not.

I think I am going to paint a piece tonight. A combination of music and the photograph have created inspiration in me. I am also going to rent a movie, prepare for my trip and touch up the homestead. I never realized that when you live in a place, it gets dirty. Not necessarily filthy or grimy or nasty or anything, just dirty, i.e. a glass left in the living area, an empty coffee mug with tea stains next to the bed, dirty clothes on the floor in the dressing room….dirty. Things are just misplaced. There are still lines in my carpet.

I am going on a trip, did I tell you? I am going on a women-only, spiritual retreat at Rock Eagle. I have gone in years past and had decided for person reasons to stop going. However, things have changed and as much as I like my friends at work, my one good friend, I haven’t had an opportunity to spend any friend time with her because we work together and after a tough day, I just can’t deal with work folk. So we are going together and spend some non-work, friendship time together. I am excited. I am taking a half-day tomorrow to go. It is exciting. Trips away are always good for the spirit, whether there is any retreat or not.