I am pleased to serve the President of the United States.

Somedays I wished that I lived in the series of the West Wing. Although they have their problems, they always seem to be so well educated and well spoken that they can fight for their solutions. That being said, I will go on with what I want to talk about.

Oh, being at my parents brings up so many ambitions, problems, emotions, solutions. They live in a house they are going to move out of in a year. There is no real sentimental value to their current home for me and I can't even find words to create reasons to ask them to stay in one spot. The only homes that have had any sentimental value, which I guess is the point, are the two that I grew up in: the "Avondale House" and my yellow apartment with green plants. Although right now, my peace lily is a little too yellow and I am making a decision to move the mum outside and get either a spider plant or an impatient. I have been in the past day in a half of being at my parents house, competeing with a fifteen year old, when know one knows I feel competitive. She is almost like me, but different. She asks all the right questions to my Dad. I have never been able to do that because all that he has made within me that I am really pretty good at doing to this day, I rebel against. Always have and don't know why. The comment was made over dinner by the waitress, "Are you sweet or unsweet?" I smiled and said, "Sweet." Although she was referring to my tea, my Mom was not, "well she's not really sweet, but we will let her be today." This is how I am known in my family. The mean little girl who shows an undoubtedly outward appearance, specifically to public which entails: friends of the family, extended family, school and church, as a completly lovable, sweet person with a kind heart who wants to help everyone, in contrast to what happens when I get around Mom, Dad and Carter, which is I hate you written across my forehead and speaks loudly through out my actions. I don't really hate them. When I was a little girl and couldn't express myself, I didn't hate them either. I hated and still have a tendency on my bad days, hate myself and I can't figure out why they love me, even if they don't like me. You see, I have never seen myself as lovable. I don't know why or what caused it, it just happened. It is a separator. It separates me from God and equally important it separates me from those who love me like they love God. I don't think that I can let anyone love me until I learn most importantly to love myself through God's eyes. I won't be able to do it any other way. I definitely like myself more than I did four years ago, but sometimes I shred apart into a thousand pieces when a fifteen year old girl comes along who is exactly like what I want to be and am not there yet. I can hear what my spriritual advisor would say right now: you are comparing your insides to her outsides. And how right she may be it doesn't seem to change my jealousy or anger. Those are things that only God can take. For all I know that girl could grow up to be an axe murderer, but I doubt it. She is just the daughter that I want to be or at least my perception of her is that she is that person. Hopefully, through the work that I continue to do by prayer, correcting behavior, writing and talking to someone who knows me and staying sober most imminentely, I will be able to be the daughter who really is sweet and not just for a day.

Oh Sticklebats, where is that boy?


So as I made my trek to the folks' place in Sharpsburg, I noticed two very unusual things and had two life threatening events. First, I noticed my surroundings passing through Habersham County back into White County, returning to my apartment to collect, unfortunately due to my absentmindedness of leaving it behind, the TV I promised to bring to my Mom. I noticed old Fords with no power steering puttering in front of me from one farm to the next, realizing that they were carrying exhausted men covered in sweat, dirt and hay. It was hay day today and yesterday. The rolling pastures that I have been watching sway to and fro were curled up in large round bales awaiting pick up by monster tractors, to be housed within the confines of someone's barn for storage until the first blast of winter air, where in turn they will be feed for the animals on such farms. How beautiful they were out in the middle lined with precision and thick with moving creatures and life. The fields that were not curled, were square bailed and explained the men who will not sleep easily this evening due to blisters, sun burns, aching muscles and worst of worst: hay fever; in contrast to myself, who will sleep comfortably in my parents home on a queen size sleigh bed with air conditioning and luxuries galore (like McIntosh Singers in surround sound). Then, the first life threatening thing occured shortly after the observation: a stomper-billy dooley chevy truck tried to squash me because he couldn't see me. I was riding along in the lane next to him, increasing in speed and with my windows being down, I could feel the heat of his engine inside my car, which is when I noticed he had about three inches from being in my passenger seat. I had oncoming traffic in the other lane and rather than slam on breaks and spin, I did the opposite and laid into the gas and hung onto the steering wheel with one hand and the horn with the other. I scared the ba-geezus out of the man and saw him jump, meanwhile continuing to climb up hill at about 70 miles an hour only to find a red light quickly approaching. Luckily, I had enough time to appropriatly slow my car down from the leap to 70 miles an hour. That's one and one.

The second observation I had was while driving on 75/85 south still headed to the folks house. I am cruising along quickly and I notice a Saturn that looks familiar. It is a deep green and looks to be about a 96 model. The man driving the car is my brother...maybe. No way, I am calling Carter right now. Wait, Carter is loving Chicago. Glance....That is Carter. Ahhh.....no it's not. That's wierd. That's really weird. I actually was sorting through my cell phone looking for his name so as to call my brother, that's how freaked I was by this guy who was traveling in the second to right lane going about 70 miles an hour, nothing doing type look on his face, driving a deep green Saturn. I didn't think to look on the back for an Avondale Sticker or a torn John Kerry sticker. Man, it was a scary observation. I almost pulled off an exit so to catch my breath. Then, shortly after the second scary observation: everyone was stopped just after the grady curve. Ahhh...squeel....tires aren't turning and breaks aren't working....I skidded quite a bit prior to completely stopping a few inches from a car load of North Carolina women, I thought we were going twenty not zero! The women proceeded to drive like drunks for the rest of the time I was behind them and for some reason I couldn't seem to get around them until I got off on 85 South at the split.

I was so glad to get to Mama's. I was so tired of observing and being threatened. I don't think I will ever observe again while I am driving. It has been quite a day. The sounds in Fellowship of the Ring when Frodo starts out in the Shire to where he jumps onto the Ferry was about the music that should have been playing for my trek. There is so much relief in those black riders leaving the hobbits alone for two seconds. Dad's sound system makes it so intense. That is what I need for my emotions on days like today, surround sound, because that is how they felt today. Loud.

Daisies are the friendliest flower, don’t you think so?
Yes, you told me that the first time I met you.
The first time you lied to me.

Why did you come by again?
I wanted to be your. . .friend.

So this morning has been a daisy morning. I passed my girlfriend Cari on my way to work. She is beginning to work 8-5 shifts at her work which is off the wall for the work she does. And I saw Peter (Petah!) at the gas station where I went to get coffee. I like having smiling faces and hugs from loved ones. It’s nice. It’s like having a family that I don’t have to live with, but that I do get to live with. Not that that makes any sense to anybody else, but that’s okay. It does to me. Sometimes, being single and living on my own, I miss that wake up that comes with living with someone. I have lived with all kinds of people too and this is the first time in my life I have really lived by myself. I have lived with somewhere between one to twelve roommates at a time (not to mention living with 500 when I was at Scott!). I have been by myself for almost three years now. Don’t get me wrong, I like it. However there is something in this daisy morning that feels familiar. Today is flower shop day today too. Maybe I will get a patch of daisies while I am there.

~~There is no rose of such virtue as is the rose that bare Jesu~~

I love this song. I have to put Dad’s girls’ CD in a drawer because otherwise I go into a trans and won’t stop listening. But today is the first day I have pulled it out in a while and I almost started crying when I was listening to it. Something about the whole complilation embodies the essence of innocence within its very tonality.

~~oh i’m just a mirror of a mirror of myself~~

Oh it is so nice not to have any demands placed on me. Yesterday was a demandless kind of day. I had lots of tasks and duties and what nots, but no demands. It felt good. I took it easy and spent most of the evening after work chillin’ in the apartment. I spent a great deal of time on the phone with Michelle, Christine, Peter and Mom. It was a friendly type of night. I also watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The irony in that movie makes that movie. I watched the two little features Monday on Matthew and Kate so I had to watch the movie last night. It was in my system. Matthew McConahey is beautiful. I have also decided that my hair is similar enough to Kate’s that I am going to have it styled the same way. She has these beautiful long layers. Her hair in this movie is so vesatile and more importantly, it is long. I like my long hair and am not up for the short, hair spray needed, all morning work type hair. I like pull into a pony tail or a braid and go hair. Peter says that when the layers are added that my hair won’t be so heavy, which makes since. My hair is heavy. John says that I look like Kate. What a compliment! She is one of my role models that is for sure.

Oh, btw did I mention that I am going to the Indigo Girls concert at Chastain the last weekend of June with about 7 other women? I am so tickled. It is going to be so much fun. I love the Girls so much and am going to get the new cd this weekend while I am in Atlanta. Ho hum, I can’t wait! I have been listening to the cd’s I have non-stop since the tickets were purchased on Saturday. My second time to Chastain and to see the greatest ever. What more can a woman ask?

You wanna know the secret behind a smile,
You gotta ask a Tuesday’s child

Oh yea for weekends. So on Saturday I went to the mountain lake beaches. How relaxing. There is nothing like fun in the sun. Although, my girlfriend didn’t believe me when I told her that the water was mountain lake water in May. She got in, not me though. She froze, not me though. I have learned to be patient for the rivers and lakes to heat until the end of June, beginning of July. Ah, well, the sun was nice. Not that I got all that much seeing as sun block really works—it blocked the sun sufficiently. I got my toes done and now they are back to the color of your favorite car. I love the name of the polish I use…I’m not really a waitress. Hahahaha. It is funny even now. I went to two movies: both teeny-bop: Van Helsing and 13 going on 30. Decent but not great. Definite family movie on the second one, but the first one was not nearly as good as Underworld. It was a C-. I am so grateful for the new theatre! I slept in on Saturday and Sunday. Nice. I also got all my goodwill stuff together. It is in the car right now. I was going to drop it by this afternoon, but they closed at one so I guess it will travel for one more day in the car until lunch tomorrow. Who closes at one? Anyway, I was grateful to get the stuff out from behind the love seat. I have also decided that my apartment is not me. I am going to sell my newly bought couch set and get a futon I think. Ida Know. Something needs to change. It is really not me. It is really like something out of everyone else being nice to me and giving me things, which is good to get me started and now it is time for me to stand on my own and learn to walk. Oh, contentment in life is mine today. Good weekends make for good Mondays. Oh, by the way, Happy Victoria Day.

so we’re okay
we’re fine
baby i’m here to stop your crying
chase all the ghosts from your head
i’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Sometimes my perception is so warped. I can’t tell which direction is up. I get busy with conversations in my head about what people might or might not say. Ugh. It is so exhausting fighting off expectations. The other thing that happens when I get warped is that I feel all kinds of emotions that are based on fiction and not fact. It happens the same time every month too. Imagine that. Last night I watched the end of Big Fish. That movie has grown on me. I kind of like it and may include it in the collection for no other reason than its oddity. I was reading Ada and Inman last night and their world is so different from the one I live in and to think it was just a little while ago that they lived that way. The jacket cover said that Cold Mountain was Frazier’s first novel. Man, he is a wealth of knowledge and literature. How many people get a film release off their first novel? I think I like the fantasy world a lot which is why I read books and watch movies. Those two things always settle my head. Usually, when I come away from them my perspective is not so warped and I feel better. Like last night when I went to bed, I could actually go to sleep because of the movie and the book because I was not caught up in the worry of unnecessity that comes with my thinking when I get like this. Michelle says turn to God in times of trial: know that I am powerless over the effect of pms. I think a lot of people say this, the trial part, she is just the person I listen to. That is such an easy route. However, sometimes when I pray, I forget that I am praying and walk face first into the crazy thinking. I have to regroup and start over, but I don’t think God minds. He probably just twiddles his thumbs until I get back on point. I went to the Starbucks Oracle seeking clarity. It asked me to put in my order for the coffee I drink. The oracle’s wisdom was that I was clueless. I think it maybe right.

what i won’t give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss

So this is the week for graduation here in the northeast part of the state. Both White and Habersham counties are graduating their seniors this weekend. Being in an office full of mothers and having one senior on staff, it has been quite a week. There have been field trips to Stone Mountain, end of school parties (apparently those are still allowed up here), honors days, eat lunch with the kids day and field days all week. Whenever I go to look for someone I ask, “Where’d she go?” The answer is “To the (such in such) school for (whatever major event) her child is doing.” Since when do school kids get out in the middle of May? And what happens to them after that? I mean there are no local pools or real parks around here. At least there are no real neighborhoods. I hear about acting camp and grandma’s house, but really is that meant to last all summer long? All the way until the last week of August? Or maybe since the kids are getting out in May they will return in July. Mom says that year round school is not that far off.

I can remember thinking that summer would never get here and getting out of school on June 10. That is a whole month after this crew is graduating. We had parties and extended recess, walks to the lake and picnics for like the whole last week of school while the teachers scrambled to get all of their work done to send us home. You could feel summer before it ever hit you. I was a patrol in sixth grade and would hate having to patrol the old hall where the littlest kids were because the air conditioner didn’t work well. You could feel an immediate flow of cool air when you crossed the ramp into the third grade/ library hall was. I was so proud to be able to have that orange plastic stripe with a silver badge on it. Memorial Day always pushed the summer feeling too, because the pool would open and that water was so cold. We would begin swim practice after school until school let out. Then practice would begin at 8 for the little ‘uns and 9 for the big ‘uns and then I wouldn’t leave until the phone call at six in the evening from mom saying to come home for dinner. We would run all over Avondale on our bikes. We’d go to Nathan’s for lunch and Emily’s for snacks. We’d go to the Pizza Café if we could find a parent to come get us and take us because we weren’t allowed to go by ourselves. We were old enough to be free but not too old that we knew to take for granted that freedom. Days were filled with corner tag and thunderstorms, wondering if there was any money in my swim bag for candy from the concession stand, walks to the park to settle down and do some real playing and then back to the pool for more races, games and silliness to the nth degree. The life guards were our heroes and babysat us if we acted our age and got upset. They mended our broken hearts, our cut fingers and our fear of thunder. We stood at the edge of the pool waiting for the sound of free swim for the whole ten minutes of adult swim. They held the whistle to our happiness.

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny

So last night on my heady list of to-do, I initiated the course of action to a happier healthier me. I finished the fax, updated all the reports, cleaned the desk off and out, collected the laundry and laundry stuff, got the detergent, got the twenty dollars of quarters, went to the mat and washed the clothes and attempted to wash the car, took the garbage down and as an added bonus swept and mopped the kitchen floor, and cleaned out the area around the wood burning stove. I also watched parts of a movie last night. It was called the Cooler, and was actors acting for each other type movie. Usually, that makes for a really neat movie, but this time the movie was so slow that I could watch the movie with out really watching the movie. So I put away clothes and set up for my morning. So that leaves me with today which is to clean out from behind the couch, put stuff for goodwill in the trunk, yoga it at home, pull out the furniture from the bedroom in order to paint, begin painting, oh, and vacuum. I noticed yesterday that there were no lines in my carpet and typically that is one of the many signs of my unmanageable life. The other sign is when I can’t see the floor boards of my car, which up until yesterday was true. This morning the floor boards were vacuumed and like new. I get so antsy and out of place when the little things are rocked. I think it is part of the obsession that comes with me. I would much rather that obsession is on the floor boards of my car than on the drink. Oh what stresses I have in my life when my life takes a hold of me.

I got a raise!!!

'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen/
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

So this weekend came and went and I think I missed it. Actually, I think that I have missed my life since last Thursday. Yes, Thursday was the last day that I was in touch with my life. So to make amends to myself, today I am not going to answer the phone, not going to the gym, not going to email, not going to socialize in any since and turn into a loner in order to get back to the routine and discipline that I need in order to not go crazy. I have several topics on the agenda for the day: finish the fax day, update reports, clean the desk off and out, collect laundry and laundry stuff, go get stain remover and more detergent, twenty dollars worth of quarters, go to the laundry mat and wash clothes and car, yoga it at home, clean out space behind couch, take garbage down, put stuff for goodwill in the trunk, pull out furniture in bedroom, begin to paint bedroom, be in bed by ten o’clock.

Saw TROY this weekend, pretty good. Started off as a B rated, 1970’s Shakespeare movie and then the actors appeared and it clicked into gear. There were beautiful shots of Brad’s bod, which should be a requirement for his films since he possesses a body like that. He played the part of a part Greek god, which he did really well, didn’t seem to be that far away from reality if you ask me. Story was terrific and the fights were great. Overall, good movie, Gladiator was better though.

Dadum, da da da dum, da daaaaadidaaaaaa, daaaaaadidaaaa, da da dum

Gilbert and Anne are betrothed!!!!

i come to you with strange fire,
i make an offering of love,
the incense of my soil is burned by the fire in my blood.

So yesterday was super blah. My boss was sick as a dog and finally went to the doctor after severe distaste and harassment by me. Turns out she has a “Serious” case of bronchitis and was perscribed four medicines and a breathing treatment. Imagine that! I couldn’t imagine taking four pills and an inhaler type thing just because I had a crappy cough. She was really sick though and hopefully she will get really better. Then when she left, I ran out of things I wanted to do. This meant that I had to do the things that I didn’t really want to do. Bleck. Then I left early. They are cutting overtime and I already had one hour so I figured, I best leave at four, which I did. It made for a great workout. No one was at the gym and I got to sweat my hiny off on the eliptical machine and bikes. I feel obligated to stay in shape after having to climb the pasture mountain. There would be no way that I could have done that had I not been working out all this time. It is encouraging to know that all this working out is of use. From there I went to visit with my girlfriend and her dogs. I love German Shepherds. Or at least I love her German Shepherd. I used to think that I would get a mini Yorky, but now I think I dreaming towards a shepherd once I get a house. They are so trainable and so loveable and so friend like. From there I went to dinner with John and David. David is John’s friend who took us to see Andy Stanley on Sunday and will probably become more a part of my life seeing as he is a newly single Dad who has two girls. He has aked for some help seeing as the girls are nine and four and whenever he talks about the nine year old, beads of sweat form on his brow due to knowing about the next couple of years. I told him I would love to participate in their lives if he needed me. My life seems calm and almost dull after the Sunday rush. Maybe I am just suffering from the downside of the adrenanline. I don’t know, but I hope that things are super perky today, rain and all. I like thunderstorms, although they make me want to curl up with a book and go to sleep. Sometimes they can be exciting when the lights go out though. Lack of power being the dilemma is funny. Its like watching ants when you step on their hill. AHH!! Workworkworkworkwork.

i seem to recognize your face
haunting, familiar, yet i can't seem to place it…..

So my girlfriend calls me last night in a panic. She feels that her life is in shambles and she can’t escape. Boy have I been here before. I hate it when I feel like I just can’t put a sentence together. So initially, the night meant her staying the night with me in order that she gets away from the boyfriend. The boyfriend is not a bad person; their life is just confusing right now. I can totally relate. I have been in the exact same feelings with John. So we cracked on men for a while, complained about women stuff, loved our innate femininity and ate comfort food. The real thing that happened last night was the girl talk, the bonding and the love that happens between women who share experience. Inevitably what always happens is exactly what is supposed to happen: that once the middle of the night rears its ugly head and tears are done falling, confusion is finished fogging and that mind set of home seems so comforting, she left to return to her home and stayed in her bed and loved her boyfriend. Amazing. She and I are so similar in the things we feel and say. We seem to have almost a parallel existence although there are different events within each of our lives. I really like having my girlfriends and don’t know what I would do without them. The main resolve that I came out of the whole evening with was that John is the best boyfriend in the whole world, I have the greatest apartment ever and I have a really great life. I don’t know if she got all that, but I did.

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone

So I had a strange weekend. It started off fairly normal. I played all day on Saturday. I ran flowers for the flower shop, went to visit a sick friend, went to the movies (at our NEW theatre!!) and went to meet with friends and talk about God. Then Sunday, got up and went to church. I went to Andy Stanley’s Church. It was really cool. There was a rock n’ roll show with a message and it was very good. The musicians were musicians, the lights were fantastic, the whole thing was amazingly well done. There were two baptisms, which were performed by someone other than Andy and Andy gave a twenty-five minute message that was part testimony of a church member with interjections of questions by Andy. He is good. I will probably go back. It was exactly one hour. There were no less than ten thousand people there. We went to J Christopher’s afterwards for brunch. I felt tired and ill so when John and I got back to the farm, I laid down. We took a two hour nap (!) only to awake to the weird part of the weekend. Eric, John’s middle son, was banging on the door. There was someone in the river who was not responding. Now, first off, this is weird: not many people know how to get to Towne Creek where we were. Second off: well…just read...

John went down first, not far behind Eric who was moving like a jackrabbit. He cut through the back part of the pasture down to the river. I was shortly behind him, cell phone in hand being escorted by the dog. Anyone who knows anything about the country knows that it is not easy to cut through a pasture. Pastures give the illusion of being peaceful and serene, but in reality they are wild and unruly with same types of creatures that live in them. Being in the mountains creates steepness to the “rolling” effect that is seen from the road. Pastures have briars, bugs and biting things in them. So while cutting through the pasture seems the easiest, softest way, really, it is just the only way. I stopped short of the embankment that proceeded down for about a hundred yards through a wooded area to the old baptismal hole. The incline was steep and I couldn’t hear or see John or Eric. I waited for a short time when out of now where my eye caught John carrying a woman. I ran straight up the pasture to where my cell phone would get a signal. I called 911 and was able to get someone on the way. Eric about five minutes behind me and I gave him the phone. I went back down the cleared mountain to where John had to stop. I ripped my sweatshirt off to cover her up. John was exhausted. We were no where close to the farm house yet. She was in shock, was hypothermic and unable to communicate. She had a bag full of things with her, which had: a dead cell phone, mother’s day cards, a coke, sunglasses, a set of keys, cigarettes and a lighter. She was covered in mud and was freezing. John and I hauled her up the rest of the mountain of pasture together. My legs are so cut up by the pasture that today I had to wear a dress because I couldn’t deal with them being too covered. I went inside and got towels to cover and clean. I went back to get John some replenishment. She was so mired and well, she was half dead. The first responders showed up not long there after and then emts and police. They found her vehicle and a bottle of Tylenol PM. She was so out of it. They figure that for some reason she tried to commit suicide. Had Eric not been out fishing, she’d be dead. Andy’s sermon was “Where’s God, There’s God.” Yesterday, in her desperation to just go away and just go to sleep, John and I were used as tools to save a life. It was a “where’s God/There’s God” moment. Once everyone was gone: she went with the emt’s, Eric went with the police to show them where she was, the first responders all dismissed themselves, John and I went inside. I peeled off the clothing I had on and into the shower I went where I began to cry, which lasted off and on for the next several hours, until bed where I fell asleep in tears. While I have asked questions and told the story to a couple of people who see the glaze in my being and the puffiness in my eyes, the two or three that I have spoken to have said what John and I did was heroic of sorts, but if this is what heroism is, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. We just did what anyone else would do which was to get help for her to the best of our ability. I feel so badly for this poor woman that she found the need to try to end her life. My insides today are numb, but a bit tired. I have a headache and my sinuses have gone crazy from being out in the pasture. My legs hurt and overall, I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I think, I think that deep sleep is in the stars for me tonight. Weird day. Really weird. One person that I spoke to said that she thinks I am still running on adrenaline and that I am going to crash here soon. She is probably right. Weird weekend. Weird.

Good morning…starshine…

The moon was in the morning sky on my ride to work. I was awake really early, like 5:45 early and am not sure why. I am emotionally still unbalanced due to the inventory and I don’t know that it will get better until I discuss it with my spiritual advisor, which may have caused the unrest. I am lucky enough to possess the ability to ignore wake up calls and turn over back to sleep. The only alarm I have never slept through was Carter’s trumpet. I think that only happened once or twice though. I got to work before anyone was here to open the building, so I sat with my coffee that had the last of my milk in it and listened to NPR out of Piedmont College. When I saw the moon up and had the piercing reflection of the sun in my rearview on Hwy 255, I felt as though I entered another planet and time zone. Everything this morning feels as though it has a blue film on it ever since. Really surreal...or maybe really so real…

It’s all happening!
It’s all happening.
It’s all happening……

So a couple of girlfriends came into town on Monday and I haven’t really had time to spend with them until last night. They are both engaged!! One, I knew about the other was proposed to on Monday! Wow. Jennifer was my first real friend when I moved here; she is the one who is the most recently engaged. She loves me no matter how ticky I am. I adore her. She is everything I want to be when I grow up. She has her masters in psychology, she is engaged to a man she loves, she is physically healthy, she is self supporting and she is all I want to be and more. I am so exited for her. The main thing that I think about is that she has everything she wants out of life. I don’t even know everything I want yet, but I know that I want everything that I want out of life too. Inspiration comes in the power of examples. I remember when I was grammar school and the topic we had to write a paragraph on was the person I admire. I chose my Aunt Sue. She was the one I admired. Today I would choose Jennifer. Admiration for me though is not something I can easily express in words. I had a hard time making a whole paragraph then and I think I would probably have a hard time doing so today, because it is not something easily framed by sentences or words. I am glad she is a part of my life. Her example gives me something to look forward to within myself.

guess i wasn't the best one to ask me…
with my face pressed up against love's glass to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for…

sometimes i get so distracted by the good things in life that i don’t look at any of the bad things. today is a hard day. it is a day where my heart hurts and all i want to do is cuddle in my down comfortor with a good book and rain, some hot tea and peace and quiet. it is as though i have a headache that won’t go away, but there is no headache. i have had green patures for a while now, but in the process of taking my own inventory, i have managed to make my green go brown. i have hurt others without intent. it is as though everyone took their shoes off and stuck their toes out just for me to step on and hurt. ugh. i didn’t want to have to go out of my way to make amends, but it looks as though i am going to have to do it anyway. i gossipped. i fussed. i whined. i just want my green pasture back. guess i will make the amends if i want the green pastures. it is kind of like mowing the lawn or vaccuuming the carpet: the lines don’t show up unless you do the work to make them do so. my friend asked me last night if i wanted a ticket to puerto rico for a weekend. it took everything i had to say no thank you. although, puerto rico sounds nice, it would only be me running away and getting into more trouble. i like trouble, but i like stability more. besides everywhere i go there i am and so running doesn’t really help, it just makes me tired. like now, i am tired. what is worse is that i slept pretty well. at least i have finished the inventory, i think, and can move on to less tulmutuous things so as to not cause any more chaos. maybe now i won’t be tired with already having sleep.

Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one

There is a falcon of some sort that has decided to make its self a part of my life. While most birds come and go, i.e. the vultures, cardinals and there is a morning dove that hangs out on occasion out side of my bathroom window. This guy has been at the river for about a week now. He dive bombed my car this morning I guess because I apparently was going to fast for his taste and tried to catch me. So I slowed down and he gave me a look. It was good, because the only other time I have had at him has been underneath from a power line where he was perched. This time I got a good look at the feathers and wing span and everything. He was a little upset and made all kinds of racket as I went on to work. This is the second falcon that has come to visit me. The first one was at John’s farm and he was there for a long time. Probably six months I’d say. Probably because of all the field mice that were readily available. Now it seems as though he has followed me over to my home, but I am sure it is a different bird. He sure is beautiful. He is brown with white markings like spots but longer. His wing span is young for a big bird. By that I mean that it is not nearly what I expect a falcon to have, I’d put money on it that he is still growing and will have those feather tips out six feet in a year or a little short thereof. It’s nice to have visitors. I wonder how long he will stay.

Can I go forward when my heart is here?
Turn back, dull earth, and find thy centre out.

Oh, what a weekend. I was so grateful for the time I got to spend at home. While I should have been cleaning and such, instead I watched movies and painted. I found acrylic paints. Whoa, what a difference. I also found cheap canvas. My paintings look like real paintings. I can’t believe it. It is really expensive though. I went from forty-four cents for a bottle of paint to $1.60 a bottle. Not to mention I have to buy the canvas, where before I was using scrap cardboard. BIG DIFFERENCE. The real question is will I ever go back? Probably not. I will probably spend twenty bucks every couple of weeks to get new stuff. I might for a couple of mixed media pieces, but other than that, forget it. Although I am not a real painter, it makes me feel like a real painter.

My new DVD player is good. It does this weird thing though when there is a hiccup in the DVD, which every DVD player has, that makes it scan forward to the next tidbit so as to smooth the ridge. So out of my two new dvd’s that I got, one had a hiccup that was fixed. Sort of. It pauses a bit to unglitch the glitch. I bought SAY ANYTHING, and ROMEO + JULIET. The first actually had a feature on it which is unusual for the age of the film. But it was a making of Say Anything and was great. It had both John Cusack and Ione Skye in interviews and Cameron Crowe. WOW, they were young. John is still gigantic though. I don’t think anyone knew when he was first cast as the sidekick geek on Sixteen Candles that he was going to a) be this good looking when he grew up or b) be so big. I mean he is easily six & change in height and has beautiful monster broad shoulders. Cameron Crowe was like twenty as a director. That just amazes me. These are folks who are somewhere within ten years of my age and are so unreal in their changes. Romeo & Juliet was totally as cool as I remember. It is such a premise to Moulin Rouge. Romeo and Juliet are actually in Moulin Rouge, but you have to be quick and look closely. It is one of those movies where the details are with in the little clips that are cut up and spit at the audience quickly. A lot of people don’t care for that style movie, I find it totally interesting. The music in that movie is too telling too. I have the soundtrack and it is wonderful.

I also started my inventory this weekend. Inventories of the life are so difficult. I mean, I get so nostalgic which in turn creates so many emotions. I was reading my brother’s Sunday blog and all I could think was that we were doing the same thing on the same day, just in different places. He actually drove through Avondale & I only got to imagine it. Hopefully, I will finish that today, because it can be a really treacherous path if I drag it out. Whenever I have to do an inventory my emotions go on overload and my actions go sideways. If I really drag it out I end up owing more amends than when I started. That is not good. Since I’d rather not do that, I am going to finish it tonight. Hopefully in time to paint more. That was my reward yesterday for getting to a certain point. Painting is good. It makes the world good. It makes me good. Kind of like the inventory. Centers me.