Do you ever watch movies and just know its a great movie. There is no: well it could be better if or I didn't really like the way. . . Dreamer is just a great movie. It has a well written story. It is an excellent cast. The filming and actual shots are excellent (same cinematographer as October Sky). The believability is all there. It is even based on a true story. Strangely the truth of the story is directly related to the horse, not the people. The dvd has excellent extras too. There is not too much or not enough in this movie. It is just right. Go get it. It is all family fun.
Back from state training. I had to prepare to leave town for a week and I still ended up two days behind. How does that happen? I had everything laid out so that I wouldn't get behind and I was still behind. I also started a new way of eating this week to see if I can shed a few pounds. I am not happy with the way I look and while many of you might be concerned with my health so am I. According to doctors and such, I am about twenty or thirty pounds overweight for my height. Maybe if I had had a kid by now things would be different. Mostly it is because I am lazy and don't eat correctly. So I am trying not to be lazy and eat right. This is going along with my new found gym that has been consistent now for five months. Although, I have struggled with the cardio part. I know, I know, it is the essence of classic weight loss (along with eating right) but I struggle in general with doing the right thing so it is not surprising this is the hardest aspect for me. But I have been consistent about the weight training. Hopefully, I will feel better about the way I look in the mirror in the next less twenty pounds!
John & I are getting along royally. I am so excited about getting married. We are having a great experience getting to know the church we have chosen. The mind set is so familiar to me. I am really enjoying it. They believe a lot of things that I have been taught to believe growing up and there are a few minor differences. Nothing that is life altering. I love our priest, she is so effective in both her message and her teaching (she is my sunday school teacher too). I am learning a lot. There is just something to finding the person who connects me as a teacher.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
The bells are gonna chime. Pull out the stopper!
Let's have a whopper! But get me to the church on time!
Today, John & I go to see the priest. He is a she. She is going to determine since we are not of her denomination or membership worthy of marriage in her church. Worthiness. You know there is nothing more awkward than being judged on worthiness by a priest. Woman of the cloth. That is kind of like the big clound in the sky with that celestial glowing man in a white robe holding a thunderbolt looking down on you. I don't know how we ever came about that myth. I mean, the whole thunderbolt thing is so Greek. It must be a Greek myth thing. I mean, like God is going to hold a thunderbolt. Surely we can be more creative than that. For example, maybe God is writing a novel and needs a good piece of drama. Maybe God is playing a tennis match and we are losing and are going for the big come back/underdog/bated breath win. Maybe God has let us go and we make all our own decisions and the information is out there among all the information and we have to make the right choice, but He is done helping with us.
All my life I have been afraid of worthiness. I have been unworthy (according to my head) for others. I have been unworthy by others. I have never been good enough, strong enough, smart enough: worthy enough. Yet, in the past five and a half years, I have discovered, I am pretty worthy. I actually like myself. My friend Ed's words of unspeakable wisdom are summed: be a blade of grass. Yeah, no he is not wise, but whoever told him that might be. It helped me get off the floor and get to a point where I wasn't better than, not worse than, just the same as. I like that I am sour about not getting my dinner order incorrect; or that my favorite color is actually purple, but I wear blue all the time; or that I have a death rattling bark, but wouldn't be able to summon the courage to actually go through with a bite; or that I love to smoke Marboloro full flavor menthols by the pack; I only like to make my bed when I want to; my favorite dinner is my Mom's spaghetti; I long to play my violin and am excited there is a new piano teacher in town and am seriously considering her for lessons. I like myself.
Why am I so nervous about today? Why am I nervous about a priest?
Probably because I like her too.
Currently listening: Shimmer By Shawn Mullins Release date: By 04 May, 1999
Let's have a whopper! But get me to the church on time!
Today, John & I go to see the priest. He is a she. She is going to determine since we are not of her denomination or membership worthy of marriage in her church. Worthiness. You know there is nothing more awkward than being judged on worthiness by a priest. Woman of the cloth. That is kind of like the big clound in the sky with that celestial glowing man in a white robe holding a thunderbolt looking down on you. I don't know how we ever came about that myth. I mean, the whole thunderbolt thing is so Greek. It must be a Greek myth thing. I mean, like God is going to hold a thunderbolt. Surely we can be more creative than that. For example, maybe God is writing a novel and needs a good piece of drama. Maybe God is playing a tennis match and we are losing and are going for the big come back/underdog/bated breath win. Maybe God has let us go and we make all our own decisions and the information is out there among all the information and we have to make the right choice, but He is done helping with us.
All my life I have been afraid of worthiness. I have been unworthy (according to my head) for others. I have been unworthy by others. I have never been good enough, strong enough, smart enough: worthy enough. Yet, in the past five and a half years, I have discovered, I am pretty worthy. I actually like myself. My friend Ed's words of unspeakable wisdom are summed: be a blade of grass. Yeah, no he is not wise, but whoever told him that might be. It helped me get off the floor and get to a point where I wasn't better than, not worse than, just the same as. I like that I am sour about not getting my dinner order incorrect; or that my favorite color is actually purple, but I wear blue all the time; or that I have a death rattling bark, but wouldn't be able to summon the courage to actually go through with a bite; or that I love to smoke Marboloro full flavor menthols by the pack; I only like to make my bed when I want to; my favorite dinner is my Mom's spaghetti; I long to play my violin and am excited there is a new piano teacher in town and am seriously considering her for lessons. I like myself.
Why am I so nervous about today? Why am I nervous about a priest?
Probably because I like her too.
Currently listening: Shimmer By Shawn Mullins Release date: By 04 May, 1999
Yeah baby. Went to Mom & Dad's and they wouldn't let me leave without taking a picture of this. It is a two karat natural ruby from Holland (?) set in yellow gold prongs and a set of matching diamonds (.79K total weight) from Tel Aviv (?) set in white gold prongs. (I get which is from where so the gems might be from the opposite countries, but I am for sure on the countries, just can't remember which goes with what.) The band has filigree yellow gold and a shank on the bottom because the ring is top heavy. (hahahahahahaaaaa, my ring is top heavy) The weekend went well. John has decided that my brother is a very funny man. John really likes him. Then John made a point that he agreed with everything Dr. G. had to say. Everything. (MIRACLE: who would guess that my boyfriend/fiancee would agree or even like my Dad? Isn't their some rule about in-laws and tons of jokes about how hard they are to deal with? Doesn't seem to be one of my problems. ) I haven't gotten any feedback from the parents or little brother yet, but it was such an overall congenial affair that I don't know that I need any opinions.
We are going to meet with our priest of choice today at three-thirty. She is episcopalian. Everytime she prays, I am just okay. That sense of peace and easiness comes over me. It's unbelievable. She is a terrific orator. I love her sermons. They all make sense. They flow. AND, she has never forgotten my name after I told her once. (Dr. Gannonism, not everyone has it.) But we are not members of her church nor are we epsicopalian. This means that she gets to decide. I hope she says yes. I said yes, so I hope she does too!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Enough is enough
This morning my meditation was about having faith in God that He would provide everything I needed. One of my ticklers in my brain has been going off lately because I am trying to save money. I want to travel to the coast of New Hampshire. I didn't know there was a coast on New Hampshire until my girlfriend invited me to be in her wedding. Most people laugh hysterically when they find out that I didn't know that. It is because I am not kidding when I say I don't travel. Getting me out of the state of Georgia is practically impossible. As a result, I gave up on remembering geography. So to the coast that I didn't know existed I go. I am saving just short of $500 a month. This is a great thing. I am hoping it will keep me in the mode afterwards to save for a home, which it turns out will be "our" home instead of "my" home. Cool.
Anyway, I am saving money, however, my insides feel like I am broke. The tickler in the back of my head has been saying:
"you are going to run out"
"there is not enough money to be saving money"
"you are going to be hungry"
"you are just going to have to give up and not do something fun" {that is the worst one, I can't stand to miss out on fun stuff}
This morning the meditation shut off my tickler. God gives me everything I need and everything I want for that matter. Most of the time I say, "Hey God, Can I?" and he says, "Yeah, sure" or "Maybe later" or "Hmmm. Let me think about that one and get back with you" {This one is hard because I have to sit and wait and I am not good at sitting and waiting} And of course there is the "No" and the "No way, you're nuts." That one is one of my favorites because it is typically loud and in my face and there is nothing to do but laugh because otherwise I would cry myself to death.
That tickler has been going off since Sunday and I have until Friday when I get paid and get a fresh pocket full of budgeted mad money. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I get a little on the crazy side about things and this time, God will provide is in the meditation. I have heard about God talking to people, and truly, God has never said GO HERE (otherwise I would travel...quickly) to me. However, I like to think that God plants things in my life like meditations at just the right time. I don't know if He does, but it makes the coincidences much cooler.
Currently listening: Possibilities By Herbie Hancock Release date: By 30 August, 2005
This morning my meditation was about having faith in God that He would provide everything I needed. One of my ticklers in my brain has been going off lately because I am trying to save money. I want to travel to the coast of New Hampshire. I didn't know there was a coast on New Hampshire until my girlfriend invited me to be in her wedding. Most people laugh hysterically when they find out that I didn't know that. It is because I am not kidding when I say I don't travel. Getting me out of the state of Georgia is practically impossible. As a result, I gave up on remembering geography. So to the coast that I didn't know existed I go. I am saving just short of $500 a month. This is a great thing. I am hoping it will keep me in the mode afterwards to save for a home, which it turns out will be "our" home instead of "my" home. Cool.
Anyway, I am saving money, however, my insides feel like I am broke. The tickler in the back of my head has been saying:
"you are going to run out"
"there is not enough money to be saving money"
"you are going to be hungry"
"you are just going to have to give up and not do something fun" {that is the worst one, I can't stand to miss out on fun stuff}
This morning the meditation shut off my tickler. God gives me everything I need and everything I want for that matter. Most of the time I say, "Hey God, Can I?" and he says, "Yeah, sure" or "Maybe later" or "Hmmm. Let me think about that one and get back with you" {This one is hard because I have to sit and wait and I am not good at sitting and waiting} And of course there is the "No" and the "No way, you're nuts." That one is one of my favorites because it is typically loud and in my face and there is nothing to do but laugh because otherwise I would cry myself to death.
That tickler has been going off since Sunday and I have until Friday when I get paid and get a fresh pocket full of budgeted mad money. I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I get a little on the crazy side about things and this time, God will provide is in the meditation. I have heard about God talking to people, and truly, God has never said GO HERE (otherwise I would travel...quickly) to me. However, I like to think that God plants things in my life like meditations at just the right time. I don't know if He does, but it makes the coincidences much cooler.
Currently listening: Possibilities By Herbie Hancock Release date: By 30 August, 2005
 | You scored as Serenity (Firefly). You like to live your own way and donâ??t enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com |
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Faith without works is dead
WHO IS LIVING IN MY APARTMENT? There is laundry everywhere: clean hasn't been put away, dirty just is hanging out in the bathroom. The dishes are not piled, but are set as a first layer preparing for that second. Then the trash, wholymoly, is giving me that look like: "take me out or in ten minutes or I am gonna smell...." even though it is just now full. There is an empty popcorn bowl on the floor and movies everywhere that are half watched. Someone else has to be in that apartment with me.
I don't know what happened in the past several days. After some contemplation and some consultation (I have a spiritual guru who guides me in the mysteries of faith), guidance was issued and clarity granted. A key indicator that I have not been in my right mind is my apartment. Specifically my laundry. However, this time the whole place exploded. Usually this only happens when I get depressed. Something dramatic happens and I go and hide and my apartment can't take it and explodes. Sloth, it is sloth. Sloth is the character defect.
According to websters:
Main Entry: sloth
Pronunciation: 'sloth, 'slth also 'slOth
Function: nounInflected Form(s): plural sloths /with ths or [th]z/
Etymology: Middle English slouthe, from slow slow1 a : disinclination to action or labor : INDOLENCE b : spiritual apathy and inactivity sloth>
Perfect definition for what happens to me when I despair and turn away from God in belief that not everything is going to be okay, just because I think and feel like it isn't okay. Depression sets in and the climb out of it is typically hard. My combat for this spiritual blemish is action: clean house. Somehow, for the first time, sloth entered my realm as a result of ecstatic elations. How this happened is beyond me. I was happy, happy, happy and my house is sad, sad, sad. Last night, after talking with the guru, I realized it was a result of me being without God and at the center of ego and that I needed to take action to get back into His sunlight. So I cleaned my house. I went to the grocery store. I did some cardio. I made my evening meals for the week. I loaded the dishwasher. I put away clean clothes. I put the dirty ones in the hamper. Trash is officially in take out mode. I straightened the movies. I returned movies. I went to the post office. I watched a movie (that was righteously bad). I went to bed on time. I slept. No fear. Woke to say my prayers & made my bed & do my meditation with yummie coffee (& a clean coffee maker).
Whew. Back to being with God. No more sloth. No more fear. Faith is action. Faith is work. Faith is discipline. Faith is balance. Faith is where I am glad to be back.
WHO IS LIVING IN MY APARTMENT? There is laundry everywhere: clean hasn't been put away, dirty just is hanging out in the bathroom. The dishes are not piled, but are set as a first layer preparing for that second. Then the trash, wholymoly, is giving me that look like: "take me out or in ten minutes or I am gonna smell...." even though it is just now full. There is an empty popcorn bowl on the floor and movies everywhere that are half watched. Someone else has to be in that apartment with me.
I don't know what happened in the past several days. After some contemplation and some consultation (I have a spiritual guru who guides me in the mysteries of faith), guidance was issued and clarity granted. A key indicator that I have not been in my right mind is my apartment. Specifically my laundry. However, this time the whole place exploded. Usually this only happens when I get depressed. Something dramatic happens and I go and hide and my apartment can't take it and explodes. Sloth, it is sloth. Sloth is the character defect.
According to websters:
Main Entry: sloth
Pronunciation: 'sloth, 'slth also 'slOth
Function: nounInflected Form(s): plural sloths /with ths or [th]z/
Etymology: Middle English slouthe, from slow slow1 a : disinclination to action or labor : INDOLENCE b : spiritual apathy and inactivity sloth>
Perfect definition for what happens to me when I despair and turn away from God in belief that not everything is going to be okay, just because I think and feel like it isn't okay. Depression sets in and the climb out of it is typically hard. My combat for this spiritual blemish is action: clean house. Somehow, for the first time, sloth entered my realm as a result of ecstatic elations. How this happened is beyond me. I was happy, happy, happy and my house is sad, sad, sad. Last night, after talking with the guru, I realized it was a result of me being without God and at the center of ego and that I needed to take action to get back into His sunlight. So I cleaned my house. I went to the grocery store. I did some cardio. I made my evening meals for the week. I loaded the dishwasher. I put away clean clothes. I put the dirty ones in the hamper. Trash is officially in take out mode. I straightened the movies. I returned movies. I went to the post office. I watched a movie (that was righteously bad). I went to bed on time. I slept. No fear. Woke to say my prayers & made my bed & do my meditation with yummie coffee (& a clean coffee maker).
Whew. Back to being with God. No more sloth. No more fear. Faith is action. Faith is work. Faith is discipline. Faith is balance. Faith is where I am glad to be back.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
God Shot
John proposed and I accepted. It was a total God thing: He proposed at the altar in the Cornelia Presbyterian Church shortly after we prayed and read parts of Psalm 119. He told me he was taking me to the post office.
What a lovely man he is. Crazy as a bat.
Who would ever guess that I would be a person that someone else would love, honor and cherish. I didn't use to be that person. I was unlovable, unemployable, incabable of having a relationship with anyone, not to mention an intimate relationship with a man. There were no such things as parents or girlfriends or any of those people. There was no god. There was only self and death. Who would guess that since that point in time, God is a part of my life every day. God helped me to a point of a relationship with women. God helped me to a point of a relationship with men and more importantly to a man. He is a man with an understanding of God that I share. We fight, we talk, we love, we cry. Hell, we've been together for three and a half years. He is my partner and my best friend. How did I get here from there? Only one way.
John proposed and I accepted. It was a total God thing: He proposed at the altar in the Cornelia Presbyterian Church shortly after we prayed and read parts of Psalm 119. He told me he was taking me to the post office.
What a lovely man he is. Crazy as a bat.
Who would ever guess that I would be a person that someone else would love, honor and cherish. I didn't use to be that person. I was unlovable, unemployable, incabable of having a relationship with anyone, not to mention an intimate relationship with a man. There were no such things as parents or girlfriends or any of those people. There was no god. There was only self and death. Who would guess that since that point in time, God is a part of my life every day. God helped me to a point of a relationship with women. God helped me to a point of a relationship with men and more importantly to a man. He is a man with an understanding of God that I share. We fight, we talk, we love, we cry. Hell, we've been together for three and a half years. He is my partner and my best friend. How did I get here from there? Only one way.
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