"Become willing to meet the challenge of taking responsibility for yourself."
~Language of Letting Go, Melanie Beattie

Willingness is not something I come by easy. Mostly, I don't want to do anything I don't want to do. I have been stuck in the mind of my two year old self for thirty-one years. Generally speaking, the way I become willing is through pain. When I first came through the threshold of pain, the pain was severe. A lot of people have died as a result of the pain I experienced in my life. I was lost, alone, drunk, felt completely separated from God and thoroughly hopeless. I was empty, void, numb, comfortable in my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain. And then, finally, when the pain was too great, I became willing. I can hear Dad saying "willing to do what?that doesn't make any sense to me". Willing to do whatever anyone told me to do to get out of the despair, bewilderment, terror and frustration.

I became willing to change.

Today, my pain threshold is not all that high. Mostly, people point things out to me and I am willing to try something different. Sometimes it takes a little insanity before I become willing to change, i.e. I try over and over again to believe that if I send signals to John, he will get the message but inevitably he is incapable of reading my mind and I have to tell him directly what I need or want. He just doesn't have that esp in him. Although time and time again, I think he does.

Responsibility is something people have always told me that I have. I have been babysitting since I was 12 and have yet to get away from it. Just last week I babysat a cat. I have a hard time thinking that I am responsible.

Part of becoming responsible for myself is finding out who I am. I had to find out what was true for me and what wasn't. What worked for me and what didn't. What was mine and what wasn't. I found my defects of character and ask God to remove them. I found my assets and use them to be of service to God and others. Once I know more about myself, I can own my actions. I can be responsible.

I take more responsibility for myself today than I did yesterday. Each day I make a new self discovery. I find I develop through prayer and meditation, through taking the time each day to talk and listen to God. This God-consciousness gives me the ability to be willing instead of having to suffer through pain. It is an easier, softer way. My actions are easier to take responsibility for because they are not so harmful as they once were. It's interesting how when I continually grasp onto the conscious contact with God, things in my life get better.