Turn the button with your right hand......

This is what I got to do today....turned the button with my right hand until dinner. Then I went back to my normal duties. How crazy is that. Alas, I must admit: I work in a button factory. The specific dept is QA which means generally I generate all the paper work for QA however, I got yanked today and put on assignment. At least I didn't get dirty. Everyone else in this dept is 50 or over and they send me on assignment whenever there is something that requires dirt. I am grateful today there was not any dirt. I destroyed a pair of jeans yesterday climbing around in the shipping dept looking for specific buttons, and I really didn't want to ruin another pair, seeing as I despise doing laundry. Although, the day is not over and it is Friday. At least it is not the thirteenth. We, as a dept, have been working on a "hot project" for Bill, which constitutes a third level of intensity. (James is second level and Jack is first--his alarm comes with shouts and lights!) So we have been working hard and long intense hours to make the buttons turn. Now, if anyone in the plant heard me talking like this, they'd scratch their pretty little head and think: is she talking about the super line turn button ta-da style button with the twisty notch that goes to the right or is she talking about the purple swivel line button wacko style with the slip notch? But for the rest of the world: I have been wicked busy since this time yesterday.

Bring on the weekend!!

Oh the Horror.......

So it was noticed last night that I rent a lot of DVD's. This is true. I am a movie nut. I just like movies. The one I watched last night was just off the wall wierd though. I think that Francis Ford Coppola is just good at making wierd movies. I decided to hibernate in my apartment yesterday after work because I was so tired. One of the best ways to relax is movies of course. I had rented movies on Saturday and forgot about them. So I figured since it was still daylight outside that I would watch the creepy one first. I didn't know how creepy it was, I just knew that it was. While I was watching the film, the power went out. I was really grateful it was still daylight out or I would have totally tripped out. Then, even weirder, once the movie came back on and it is into serious creepyness, this loud thud runs into my window. I thought maybe it was a bird that had seen its reflection until I heard scurrying and birds don't typically scurry. I went over to see what was going on and it was a deformed squirrel. It looked aweful. I think either a hawk dropped it and it hit my window, or it was trying to swing from tree to tree and missed. I don't know. All I know is that creepy movie + powerlessness + scary psycho squirrel = Rae is wigged out. So I called and talked to my brother for a while to calm me down and put me back into the right frame of mind again. Then I settled into another movie for about an hour till bed time. I am a night owl so I don't lay down for bed until about a quarter of eleven. Sometimes earlier if I want to read and such. I don't seem to sleep until eleven. I don't know why other than I am my father's daughter. He's a night owl too, more than me.

Movie review:

Apocalypse Now is more creepy than just about any other movie I have ever seen. I guess that when a movie is supposed to be creepy and you come away from it feeling creepy, then it has done it's job. This movie was made just after the Vietnam War so a lot of people believe it has something to do with that, but it doesn't. It was, according to the book, supposed to be set into the Congo, but due to the hay-day of the 70's Coppola moved it to Vietnam/Cambodia. This is a great trick of all time. Tell the audience it is about something they protest and they will watch--it's a lie. Not to mention a good portion of the US was into the drug scene and what not in that era too. This movie would have been beyond comprehension insane if I had been on acid or cocaine. No wonder it has gained so much clout.

The movie is really about one man's account of a descension into hell. By hell, I mean the depths of insanity. It is very similar to a movie that was filmed not long ago called Quills. And as Quills is gross, this movie makes Quills look like a PG flick. Marlon Brando is really good at being mysterious and Martin Sheen is really good at looking shocked. Between the two of them and a crazy director, you get a three and a half hour movie that has nothing to do with the War. Robert DuVall did do a good job at his bit. He played a desensitized colonel who was to transport Martin through a not so good area. Man, he was really physically fit in his day! Go Robert! Some of the shots in the movie were good. The description photographically of what was happening was awesome. The intense possiblity that this could be real was neat too. It was extremely drawn out and in some parts overplayed. It seemed to me that Coppola was trying to get some of Nam in there so that it would not be a complete lie and in reality all he did was drag it out.

The making of the film its self was tremedous. The actual story was aweful. The upfront facade was ridiculous and did not help. If Coppola had stuck to the plot lines a little better, I think it would have made a little more sense. It started out as a war thing and then turned into what would have happened had the airplane not rescued the boys on the island in Lord Of The Flies. THEN, speaking of Lord Of The Flies, it just ends. No rhyme or reason other than no one else was willing to watch any more. Insanity was rampant throught out this film. A good way to explain this film is Vietnam meets the Island of Dr. Moreau.

Would I ever recommend this film to anyone.....only if you needed extra credit for your AP English class and could fall asleep in a recliner. Anyway, unless you just run out of everything else in the world to do, don't see this flick. C- on a ten point scale, which is an 80.

To love another person is to see the face of God.....

Sometimes, I think that the reason not everyone works at home from remote computers is because of that human contact that we all need. Working with people is much better than being in isolation. There is nothing that will send my insides spinning like the honesty of another human being. Last night a friend of mine spoke to me. He was lined with truth and passion like I had not experienced in a long time. It ripped my heart out and refilled it with inspiration and love. There is no way to explain what it is like to listen to a miracle. It is awesome. Granted this was not of the same genre miracle as those from the Catholic church (ie statue of Mary crying blood tears or seeing Jesus in a spaghetti plate bullentin board). It is a miracle of a different variety. See, I was taught that a miracle is a shift in perception. And although Mary may have bled real tears of blood, there is no way to know unless I shift my percetion and just believe. The young man who spoke to me last night was not only a shift in his percetion, but a shift in his own reality. He had that same influence on myself. He made me thankful for that decision I made three years and some odd days ago to grow up. He made me grateful to have a God of my own understanding (or lack there of). He rejuvinated my awareness of God alltogether. There are just some things that cannot be replaced. A walking, talking miracle is one of them. Human emotion is another. Human contact is a third. These things I experienced last night. These things are the parts of my life I wouldn't give up for any reason. These things....these experiences.....these people are what fill my life and make me want to live my life.

Our love was
Comfortable and
So broken in


So I have been on a John Mayer kick all weekend. I really enjoy his music. It makes me want to fall in love. Wait........I am in love.

Saturday I got a little confused. I am reading Sermon On the Mount. Out of the blue it talks about using prayer to live the teachings of Jesus Christ. Something about the way that things were phrased made me feel wierd. John said something along the lines of Christian Science which made me really wierd. So when I got to work, I called my Dad. I mean, who better would know about things than a theologian? Right? What does he do? The same thing he has been doing all my life, look it up......well, he is still right. Thank goodness he gave me a direction to go in though. He used some words I didn't know the meaning to and I had to look them up too. So I go on line and look up Sermon on the Mount and Emmet Fox. I look up Divine Church and etc. Now I am on this research kick. I remembered he said something in regards to his beliefs and why he chose Baptist as his preference. Now, I have been to both Baptist (primarily) and Prebyterian and I realize that I really don't know anything about either one! So on my research kick, I looked up my own stuff too. I've decided that the Southern Baptist Convention is not really my cup of tea. Some of the things that they have said in their statements of purpose, I don't really agree with in the least. Somethings....well....are just out right against my natural grain and fiber as a human being. Then there are a few things that I like and still some that are not well developed. Then there is the Presbyterians and I couldn't find too much fault with them. They seemed to have some good basic things. I am still looking though. Then there is the Divine Church and the "New Thought" groups. Different. Not like anything I have ever heard before as far as religion is concerned. It is not Christian Science. In all reality it is not denominated of a religion at all. It is Christian, but it is not really religion. It is like how to practically apply your religion. It kind of says, if these are your beliefs: here is how to use them. Different. I enjoyed it. I am now willing to finish the book anyway. I am also talking with a woman who loves this book and who knows this book. Hopefully she can answer some of my questions. Dad said that he would read it after me to help me along too. Thank goodness. I also reached out to an outside theologian to help me who has no bias in any religion or any knowledge of the book. I figure opinions tend to be subjective and if I get one from every angle then hopefully a complete picture will form for me. Self decisions are difficult and I am all about being well informed before making decisions. This book holds a lot of growth for me, I am sure of that. If nothing else it has definitely kept my mine preoccupied for the weekend.

I went to see SeaBiscuit with friends on Sunday. What a good movie. Toby McGuire was a producer! Go Toby! I wish I could critique it, but....oh well. It was wonderfully shot, the cast was well lined and chosen perfectly. The camera shots were very well done and very realistic. I am not sure how they got Toby to look as naturally red headed as they did, but they did a great job. I was a little afraid originally when I saw the red, but it played very well. Interestingly enough he stayed pale through out the movie which tells me he had lots of sun block on during the shooting, which the pale is comperable for a red head too. The story was awesome. The characters well developed. The music was good. The suspense was well mastered. And they all overcame living life on life's terms. There were some unanswered questions. Certain things like....did he ever see his parents again? Why did he borrow money? Things like that, but that is why there is DVD and deleted scenes. What I believe that it boils down to is those questions were part of the book and not part of the movie, but if they had thrown in another thirty minutes or hour (which no one would have lived through no matter how good the movie was) they could have cleared things up. As it turns out, I just called my brother and asked him. He is the one reading the book anyway. I give this an 93 on the 7 point grade scale, which makes it an A-. It is quite a possiblity that this movie also qualified for the Green Family Favorite list too. I haven't gotten any reports yet. Seeing as both my Mom and my brother are reading the book, it is quite possible though.

Then today I am back to work. It seems like I was just here. Oh right I was. I worked on Saturday for a few hours to make up for the time I was in Savannah during the week. It was wierd being here with no one here. It has also thrown my mental state a little. Hopefully things will go back to a normal stride. Although, next Monday is Labor Day so that throws things a bit too. Who knows. I am just grateful to have a job and be of some use. I don't guess I have said how good my life is here lately, but it is really good: I like my job; I like my boyfiend; I like my self; I like my apartment; I like my friends; I like my family--both blood lined and mountain lined; I like my life. There are not too many people who can say that. I can and I thank God for it every morning and every night.

While you around here play
Wild on the warm and far away
While you around here play
The days keep scrbbling themselves
In tidy lines

Something wierd has happened......summer is almost over. How did this happen? I could have sworn that things were just warming up to a boiling point! There are so many memories that go with summer for me. There is walking to the pool, towel in tow and jumping at the fence with the scary dog. There is going to the beach with friends. There is that one horrible burn each inevitable year. Although, fall is pretty cool too. But summer, it is the best. Long days meant for long drives in the mountains. Feeling like the days never end. First loves and lost loves.....they all happen in the summer. Sleepy days with lemonades and rain somewhere in the middle. Days are shorter now. The sun was still red this morning when I passed by on my way to work. The night creeps in before I am ready for bed. How did this happen? I think I missed summer. Or maybe I just got older.

I'm just trying to find a decent melody.....

Its been a while since I have had a chance to write in the blog. A lot has happened since last Friday and I am not really sure where to begin. The things that are most on my mind right now are: Nicki, fickleness at work and Sermon On the Mount.

Nicki is a friend of mine whose father died. I went to Savannah to go to the funeral and Nicki was all shot out. It was a beautiful service....at least that is what everyone always says. Personally, I was grateful to see Nicki, because he has been in Savannah so much waiting on death. I can't imagine that happening. His father had cancer and they were just waiting for his father to expire. It sounds aweful. It was strange being there and meeting so much of his family. They were so loving and kind and full of hospitality even under the circumstances of the visit. His mom wants John and I to come back down to visit at the river house. That would be a nice long weekend. I hope that he knows that he is well loved and missed and there is a lot of concern for his well being and safe return.

Work has been kind of fickle. On one hand I am offered a really cool new position. On the other hand folks are talking about the plant shutting down for two weeks to get its affairs in order (this would exclude my new position, and include my current position). So, in all reality, I don't have the slightest deal as to what is happening here. Well, God is bigger than the manufacturing sector. I am not worried, because I have no idea how to react. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I have no control over my employment and that God really is in control of my life. When I get baffled and confused, that is the easiest time to admit powerlessness.

Sermon on the Mount, by Emit Fox, is intense. It is an in depth study of Christ's testimony in Matthew. He is a really good writer with a lot of powerful ideas--both Matthew and Emit. I am just begining it, however, it is hard to put down. I want to underline every line so I won't forget things. It is not wordy either so it makes it a faster read than imagined. I like books like this. The main thing I like about this one though in comparison to Conversations with God, is that it is based on the same premise that I have grown up with all my life--Christianity. Some of the other books are not based on anything other than thoughts of some random person. This one is based on thoughts from a random person too, however he just includes biblical word. I don't know, I just like it and that is really all that matters to me.

I have heard of a land,
On a faraway strand,
It's a beautiful home of the soul.....

Sometimes I take my life for granted. A friend of mine is back to the same spot I was three years and some odd months ago. It is really sad, because I wish I could help and show the way to the place I am today. Just over three years ago, I could have never imagined doing the things that I am doing today. I had seen people like who I am today, and wondered how that it was that they could just do and be and were happy. I could see what I wanted, I just didn't know how to get it.

Reagan was my roommate in Atlanta. She had a lot of what I wanted. She seemed to always have her stuff together. She was active in all areas of her life. It appeared that she lacked nothing. I felt like I was looking through a plate glass window and I couldn't open the window. I just wanted to be happy instead of miserable. The misery attached to more misery and more misery, like I was drowning. I can still feel it today. The thing is, today it is not real. It is just a feeling: a memory. My friend has entered insanity. I hope I don't have to pull out my black dress. Today, I take for granted that I am happy, joyous and free. I take for granted that it only takes me a few seconds to shake off my groginess in the morning, as oppossed to most of the day. I take for granted that I have clean clothes on and can take a bath in a bath tub that is clean. I smell good and have money in the bank. I take for granted that I am not falling apart on the inside and there are not black puffy circles under my eyes. I actually feel good today--mentally, physically and spiritually.

My meditation this morning had a prayer at the end of it that I really like: God let me have the willingness to do the things that make me feel good today. Sometimes those are tough things for me to do, but when I do them.....it makes all the difference.

In that beautiful home,
Where we'll nevermore roam,
We shall be in that sweet by and by....

Flee....
Flee Fly...
Flee Fly Flo.....

So yesterday I go home after work and I get this bright idea that it is time to wash my car again. And since all my work out clothes are on their last workout prior to serious laundering, I decide to wash my car in my work out clothes. Now, I live out in the woods in a mountain house apartment. There is beautiful brush everywhere and the babbling of a brook in the background because the road parrallels McClure Creek that flows off of Tray Mountain. I am so proud of myself to wash my car because although normal people think of things like this, it has only just recently occured to me that washing my car is part of taking care of myself. I go out with my mixed matched socks and dawn down to the hose. I hook up the hose and begin to fill the bucket, when I realize that I am standing amidst fifty gozillion mosquitoes. My little pail legs are slowly turning bright red with one uniform bite. I think the mosquitoes are in a union. I dropped the hose and with three or four swats I kill hundreds. They seemed to pause and be swayed not to act, however, as I go over to the car and am working away, I realize they have found a new plan of attack. So I washed my car, went to battle with the buggers and then went walking. All I could think was that Mom used to tell me not to scratch because that would make it worse. So I walked. I only walked for a mile and a half, the bugger wars had exhausted me. So I quickly rolled up the hose and headed for the shower. Somehow the hot water made the itchiness stop, however my legs were covered in battle scars. I hate mosquitoes. I don't know how I forgot that I lived next to a creek (well it is almost a river with all of this rain!). Hurray for pay day and Walmart that stocks 'OFF'. Next time I will have a new plan of attack too, silly bugs. VISTA!!

But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight

So yesterday I was exhausted once work was over. It was amazing because I only stayed up one hour later on Monday night, but by Tuesday at six, I was a mess. I didn't want to work out, because I was afraid I would over exert myself and never recover from my exhausted state. So last night I took it easy. I returned and rented movies. I also cooked my Ramen Noodles and used my new colender. I rented The People vs.Larry Flint. It was....okay. It is difficult to get an entire person's life in two and a half hours and do a good job of it. His life is so full of contraversy, that it probably would have been better to have concentrated on one specific area as opposed to the general. It had some very good one liners in it though. It also had some key points that were unfortunately, due to the time constraint, underdeveloped, but good points. I also pieced for a bit and straightened the apartment a bit. I was in bed by nine thirty, but I didn't want to screw up my sleep schedule so I worked on a thank you note until about ten/ten-fifteen. I said my prayers and was out like a light after that. I felt quite refreshed this morn upon awakening. I even made myself coffee. (My coffee is expensive, so I don't make it very often.) Today has been a fairly decent day. There is something weird in the air though, here in the factory. It is in everyone. I feel as though we are dancing around a big pink elephant that everyone sees and no one is talking about amisdt conversation. Weird. I am still a little tired, but that might be the effect of the soft rain outside. I am very grateful for both yesterday and today.

i gotta peaceful, easy feeling

Who knew that I would ever have a normal day? I mean, I got up said my prayers, hopped in the shower and got ready for work. I did my meditation and had breakfast. From there I went to work. Stopped at SNCA on my way home. I picked up my GODSPELL t-shirt, movie and picture. I came home, work on a matte for the picture to go into a frame. I walked, did crunches and leg lifts. John called and made plans for the evening. Hopped back in the shower went to meet John. Went to meet with friends and talk about God. Came home, said my prayers and went to bed. I haven't had this normal of a day since I was in highschool. I mean it wasn't an exciting jubilant day. No insanity or maddness. It wasn't sad or mad or anything wierd. It was just content and complete. It's a God thing, I don't understand. I guess that's the point. It's a beautiful day in God's world today, and yesterday, I got to be a part of that. God rocks.

Excercise your faith, Walk with God!

I saw this on Cleveland FBC's sign and it inspired me. I started walking this weekend. It's just get into shape, however it might be of some use if I get to participate in the Labor Day race in Avondale. I don't know what made me do it. I just know that when I excercise, I feel better about myself overall. I am walking 2 miles a day at about 15 minute miles. Pretty good if I do say so myself. I am also doing sixty crunches and some leg lifts. It doesn't sound like much, but I am not one for pain. So I start easy and build from there. There is definitely some tension in my muscles today, but I am not up for the whole feeling so sore I can't move the next day syndrome like some people. I am just up for the I feel better today syndrome. Willingness---I am willing to lose weight and have the courage to excercise my faith with God!! Ha, HA!! yeah.

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me

So on Friday, John and I tried to go see one of my girlfriends in a play at the Habersham Co Community Center, however, it was all sold out. We left flowers and a card for her. I was rather disappointed to miss her production. She is so kind and came to see mine, but she is already cast for another production, so I will plan ahead next time. Since we couldn't get in at the play, we went to see a friend of ours who is a famous potter. He had his brick kiln going full blast. He only lights it about once a month. The top temperature in the kiln is 2700 degrees. It is all heat from WOOD! Amazing. What's even cooler (ark ark--sorry) is to see the pottery inside the kiln at that temp. The fire is so hot that it seems as though it is alive. There is no question that it is a living breathing thing. It was so hot the color was white and it gave the perception of hot lava. Slowly it worked its way down to blue, but it didn't completely go back to red the whole time we were there. The clay was glazed so as to create different colors on the pottery. John bought one of the pieces that was in there while we were there. The potter said that John got the last one, because he was discontinuing that particular piece. He said that most of the pieces were spoken for prior to entering the kiln, however, he throws in one or two every now and then that are not pre-sold. He is such a neat man. I had no idea how much goes into making pottery. The kiln itsself was made of a specific type of brick with a specific type of mud holding it together. The clay within the pottery itself had certain elements in it as well as the glaze. It was neat to be a part of his craft considering that people pay thousands of dollars for his work. His father's work was bought and placed in one of the Smithsonians and he is the first ever folk artist to be included in them. More likely than not, my friend will end up there too. He is a great man, just as down home as they come too. It was so..........I am grateful to have experienced it. There is no real way to describe it.

Saturday there was not much of anything special. I went to meet with friends and talk about God early morning and then ate lunch at Alice's. From there I rented two movies. I rented "The Replacements" and "Resevior Dogs." Replacements was pretty good for a B- movie. It seemed a little discombobblulated. Resevior was probably one of the worst movies in history. The actual scenes were expertedly directed and very momentizing (by this I mean grabbed lots of moments of real expression of the actors). The cast was outstanding. The costuming was perfect. The movie was atrocious. There was no real anything except a movie for film students and other folks in the field. It was also off the scale when it came to blood, which is characteristic of Quentin Tarentino, the director. My friends in highschool went on and on about this movie and I could never see it because I was not allowed to see rated R movies. I wasn't even able to sit longer than about twenty minutes at the begining because it was so unbelievably boring. After that I spruced my apartment up while it was playing in the background. This movie goes in the same pile as Road to Perdition with Tom Hanks. I didn't watch them both on Saturday, however I rented them both on Saturday. I watch Replacements on Saturday and Dogs on Sunday. I also began a quilt. I tried this once last year and couldn't quite get the feel for it, but this year I am using a book. Hopefully, the guidance in the book will lead me to a completed quilt as opposed to just some piecin'. There was a quilt show on the square in Cleveland that inspired me to give it a second try. So I have go one side of a double quilt made so far. We shall see if it really becomes something. Saturday night I went to meet with friends and talk about God and I was blessed to lead the discussion. I decided to talk about willingness and the discussion was awesome. It really got to the crux of what I am doing. Willingness seems as simple a concept as anything, however, it is one of the most difficult when there is contempt or resentment or fear. God rocks.

Sunday, I went to brunch with John, his sons, one girlfriend and his father. I was so grateful we were all sitting down, because as soon as they stood up, the conversation was on a different level. They are all six feet and over. The girlfriend swore she was only five-eleven, but she had on shoes. I felt like I was at a conference breakfast for the tall. John's youngest son is 14 years old and six-three, 230 lbs. He is great. He plays soccer as the goalie and the other kids call him the Wall. HA! Anywho. We took him home to his mother's house and then went for a drive in the mountains. I love where I live. It is beautiful. Around every turn is just another reminder of why I believe there is God and I am not him. From there I went to my home to watch the second movie (Dogs), piece and spruce. By the time I got to meet with friends last night, I was so well rested that someone even commented on it. What a great easy weekend. No stress. No traveling. No nothing, just me. I still am in that same mindframe that some people call peace of mind.

You don't have to go to every fight that you are invited to....

This is one of the many slogans of one of the groups I hang out with in the evenings. It is strange, because it didn't occur to me that I have a choice when it comes to bickering, arguements, fighting, or whatever you want to call it. I just always thought that if someone said something that was misaligned that it should be corrected and completed. It turns out that if I want to, I can just go on about my merry way. I don't have to worry if someone is tizzy. I can let them be in a tizzy and go in my room and play with my Barbie's because it really is none of my business as to why they are even in a tizzy in the first place. Imagine that. I don't have to step in a control or fix or say what is right or wrong. I don't have to try and shift the other person's perception. If I am attacked mind you, I can still walk away. I do have the option to remove myself today. I never have to fight again. Even with myself. There is a promise that says "cease fighting anyone and anything." I want that. I am tired of battling myself, my parents, my boyfriend, my co-workers, stupid people, etc. I think it is time to just walk away and do my own thing. I hope I can remember this when I feel threatened or provoked. When I get all worked up I forget things. I guess that is what prayer is used for today. No more fights. Wierd.

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks

Ugh. Fridays are so long. It is like some one takes ahold of the earth and slows the rotation to a dead stop which effects all the clocks and the weekend never gets here. It is crazy how long the last hour of work gets. In the morning it goes super fast just like any other day. Then there is dinner and then......dead stop. No rotation to make the clocks tick. It is so strange how the factory is set up almost exactly like school. There is even a cafeteria and everything--twenty minutes for lunch, etc. Crazy. I can remember in school having to wait through the last period of the day. My junior year it was World History with Coach Newsom. Granted Coach was a nice guy and all, but it was a general level class so that I could take something else that was AP and it was atrociously boring. I seemed to remember a slow ticking clock in that room too.

Oh bother. Oh angst.

Some days are just bad days for me. I have been told that I have a disease of perception and when I am the only one talking and listening, I have a very warped perception. I know this doesn't make any sense to anyone except those who understand. Yesterday was just the peek of perfection when it comes to my perception being influenced by things like arrogance, ego, emotional hostage taking, ominiscience, selfishness and self centeredness. When these things come into play in my life, I become a basket case. When I was a little girl and I would spin around in circles in the big room next to the gym where you get your skates at FBC of Decatur, I would spin to a point where I was so dizzy I couldn't think. The other wierd thing I would do when I would get angry and crying and fitful would be toss my head back and forth on a pillow until I couldn't hear or think (I probably looked like an exorcist child!). Well, that is how I felt yesterday. I felt full of angst to a point where I just wanted to run away or just, for a moment, stop thinking. It was all I could do to go to work and go see my friend and confidant to tell me what was wrong with me. My brother wrote his blog a couple of days ago about confiding in a friend who helped him identify the problem. That is what I went to do, because otherwise I probably would have exploded like the phoenix in Harry Potter. Of course whenever there is a problem there is always a solution. Just like the phoenix when there is explosion and death in fire, there is rebirth in the ashes and rubble. The solution is cake once the problem is identified. Strangely enough, the solution always seems to be the same. So this morning when I rolled out of bed and hit the alarm, I also hit my knees and asked for God to remove these defects of character. I asked him to let me hear what I am supposed to hear, see what I am supposed to see and feel what I am supposed to feel. God will know what to do. Sometimes I just have to be told that I don't have to act like a pompous, indignant ass if I don't want to, in order to stop acting like one. Sometimes I wish I could have angst the way Pooh does, where it is not an ordeal, but an adventure, but I am not there yet. Things are still ordeals. All in all, I understand that it is okay to have a bad day. It is also okay not to be perfect. God has a plan for me and I have no clue as to what that is. I am glad that today, I do not feel that same abrasiveness that was in my blood yesterday. Mostly, today I feel tired and sad. By this afternoon, I am sure I will be restored to my usual cheerful self and I am looking forward to it. I have a date with a good girlfriend of mine who has just recently been engaged (last week the question was popped) and we are going to chirp about the engagement. I am grateful for her friendship and love. She is a super cool woman. I am also grateful for the woman who came to my aide yesterday and helped me identify the problem with compasion and understanding like only she can give, because today there is an active solution and I am grateful to be a part of it.

colors change for no good reason


So I am on my way home from the movie store for the second time (My life was a constant trip-and-fall yesterday), and there was the rain. But then it stopped. It was so strange. The clouds were still there, but the rain was holding off and I didn't realize why until I started to listen. I had John Mayer on the CD Player and the windows rolled down. It was that warm muggy, but not sticky feeling happening outside. When I listened, I heard the music with the accents of the orchestra outside. Then as an added bonus, the clouds began to light up in accordance to John's guitar. It was like my own private fireworks/lightening/laser/light show. It reminded me that no matter how many times I trip and fall it is always worth getting up and dusting off my knees and going again.

Let's drink a toast to the fool who couldn't see

You know, it troubles me to go and spend time with people who know me so well. All of my character defects flare up because I know that I can get away with them and not lose anyone's love. That is just not what it is about today. Today it is supposed to be about change. The most difficult place for me to change is in the relationships that I have had the longest and am not afraid of losing. There is not any real severe pain there, I guess. But that statement is not really true either. Those relationships are the ones that have seen me through until I could be me. They also know that no matter how badly I behave that I am a wonderful person. The reason they know is because they have experienced the good side too. I was talking with my Mom this weekend about not bringing my parents joy. She said that was a falsehood. She said there was lots of joy in me growing up. That she got to dress me in girly clothes and I didn't mind and I even wore the dresses that she made for me. She said that she thought I was talented in the violin and was so proud of me in those first years of school when it became so apparent to everyone that I was "gifted." And she went on about things. Initially, I thought she was just being a Mom and then I realized that she was being not just Mom, but a Mother who loved and cherished. Sometimes I forget that I did good things too growing up and that not everything was bad. It is hard for me to bring forth those beautiful things. I am glad that I have a Mom who does that for me. I know that I had a difficult weekend with my parents this weekend, as I am not the easiest person to get along with when I am too well known, but now that I am home, I sure do miss Mom and Dad's. Wierd.

Weekend Update

Okay so rather wait until tomorrow and feel rushed about writing about my weekend, I am willing to take five seconds to do it now. That is assuming that this keyboard on this lap top doesn't drive me nuts. Well, Friday I went to Mom's. Traffic was bad, but the time it took to get here was not so bad. Then, we had my favorite meal---spaghetti and salad with sweet tea. Then we all went out and about picked up perscriptions and went to the movie store. We tried to be a family and see something worth while. And while the movie was definitely a family flick, it stopped playing at the climax. This was pretty aggrivating. So we went to bed. Dad went to get a new one Saturday afternoon during the Braves game, strangely enough. Mom and I washed the cars. We watched the end of the movie from scene 22 to the end. Carter arrived and from there on it was birthday activities. We had steak and watched baseball. We gave gifts and talked politics. Which I have made a decision that as a rule, I will never talk about politics with my family ever again. They are more crazy than I am and this is not worth my time. Would I rather be right or happy is the phrase that comes to mind. In all reality, that may mean my family and I may never speak again, but at least I will be happy. We also went for a good long walk, which almost killed my Dad because he has shin splints really bad, but it was refreshing to get some excercise just before sunset. It wasn't real hot or anything. Today, we went to church and strangely the preacher talked on King Baby. At least that is what I got out of it. "I want, what I want, when I want it." It is very babyish. He said that it was about being careful what we ask for, it may not be what we really want. I say it is about change. My friends and I agree, it is not about what you want, it is about what you are willing to change. There was a really cool group that had gone to Hondurous on a mission trip that talked too. That would be cool to go to another country and be of service to God. Then we came home to watch the longest movie ever and watch Braves. I love the Lord of the Rings, but it sure is long. Now, in the next couple of minutes I will be off to Sautee. Ah, Sautee. I love it. It is so nice there. Home.

Easy Does It

How am I supposed to do it easy? Everything seems so hard. Even journaling seems difficult today. Normally, I have a hundred topics placed in my head and today.....nope, nothing. I know that yesterday I used up a lot of energy being arguementative with the radio and frustrated by the CMI. I also become exhilirated when I was given an under the table job opportunity. It would be more money and more benefits and an overall well roundedness. I would have more responsibility to boot. It is not official yet. At the same time, I don't care if it is official or unofficial. I am just grateful that someone wants me in an employment capacity. I mean, this person recognizes that I am capable, intelligent, primed individual. I am worthy of more than where I am right now. That is reassuring to know that people think of me that way and that I am not just being cocky or egotistical, that I am just being confident. That is a very fine line to walk. I think, yes I understand this is a dangerous thing for me, that I just am emotionally hungover from yesterday. I mean, I was off the deep end with energy and today...blah. The weather is like that outside too. Everything is foggy and drippy. Blah. That always make me think that God agrees with me when the weather matches my attitude. I know that is not true, but it is funny and on some days, very comforting. I did hear something that is comforting, much more than easy does it, I heard that: "It is a beautiful day in God's world today." I guess I can choose to participate in that beauty or not. I also heard that: "Your appreciation for the gift will be shown through your action." I know that my life is a gift. I know that God gave me this gift through grace. I also know that gratitude is best shown through my attitude. Guess it is time to change my attitude, time for.......an attitude of gratitude!!! Careful, when I do this, there is a surge of energy that is all positive. I am grateful for having a Higher Power today; I am grateful to be going to my Mama's today; I am grateful to be alive and able today; I am grateful to have several families today: home, spiritual, and work; I am grateful for being able to care for myself today; I am grateful for being able to pay my bills today; I am grateful for becoming willing to be an adult; I am grateful for being grateful. This could go on for days, but at least it gives my mind something positive to do for a while. Better. I feel better. I am grateful for feeling better...I am grateful for ......everything.