O Bless the Lord My Soul . . .

I have been listening to the Godspell soundtrack because in my meditation this morning it started out with "O Bless the Lord My Soul" from psalms and in the fashion of my family, I haven't stopped singing since! I thought that if I put on the soundtrack it would get the song out of my head, but instead I have been singing all day. I normally share the building with one other office, but the man that is in that office is on vacation this week so no one knows I have been working and singing at the top of my lungs all day.

The coolest thing so far happened today. The WallStreet Journal called me and interviewed me for my event on New Year's Eve. It was a staff writer and she said she would let me know if our city makes the cut for the final story. COOL. Thank you Joi Preciphs for calling me!

I read the temptation of Christ last night before bed. I love this story because it is about Christ BY HIMSELF, so why do we know about it? I also like it because I have been a little crazy lately and it is nice to know that Christ experienced a little craziness too. To me that is all a temptation is about: a little bit of insanity.

I am also reading Million Little Pieces. It is pretty good. It is very familiar. I am about to read the dreaded dentist scene that everyone talks about. I put it down until tonight because I wasn't up for it last night.

I also watched the third and final Godfather. WOW. That was a great movie. GREAT. One of the ladies at my bible study a few weeks ago was appalled at my watching the Godfather series, but after that last one, I have to get the set. They make more sense as a set. I have never seen the third one. Now I understand why the Godfather is the YChing of manhood. I cried. I loved and I can still feel Andy Garcia's eyes in love. Man. He is gorgeous. beautiful. I will probably watch When a Man Loves a Woman next. He just is such a good man in love. And Pacino. Goodness. His grief was so aparent and rippling. I am so impressed. I wish I could watch it again, but I made myself send it back to Netflix and am just going to have to buy it.

Just Sing It



Our family is just strange. There is no other way to explain it. Some people define it as special. I don't care either way, I like it.

Our Christmas dinner was great. My other cousins came over to Mom's house. This time the party was for 11 and two halves (twins in the womb), which still takes a lot of preparation. The difference was that the cousins came in and it was as though no one had missed the entire year of not seeing each other. There was a familarity that makes family. . .well, family. There was girl talk between the girls and ping pong between the boys. Then there were the adults and they do whatever it is that adults do. Cook? Talk? Who knows. Then once everyone was unloaded it was straight to dinner, not forgetting the blessing. The time honored tradition on this side of the family is to sing the blessing. Every person on this side of the family reads music. Every person has something to do with music in their lives today. Some of us lead the music, some of us play the music, some of us study the music, some of us sing the music and some of us hire the music (me). So we are musicians and we sing our blessing. Joy to the World the Lord has Come!!! & The Doxology. Amen, let's eat. No reason for saying anything, just pray/sing and eat. I think my Dad should start a musician's church. No preaching, only singing and reading of the text. What a way to honor God. Just sing it. (Sounds like a slogan) Then we eat. Then we eat some more. Then we start singing again. Then we sing some more. Musicians. No point in talking to them. . . Just sing it.

Luke 2
The Birth of Jesus 1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register. 4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. The Shepherds and the Angels 8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." 13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." 15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." 16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. Jesus Presented in the Temple 21On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise him, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he had been conceived. 22When the time of their purification according to the Law of Moses had been completed, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord 23(as it is written in the Law of the Lord, "Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord"[b]), 24and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: "a pair of doves or two young pigeons."[c] 25Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. 26It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. 27Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, 28Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: 29"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss[d] your servant in peace. 30For my eyes have seen your salvation, 31which you have prepared in the sight of all people, 32a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel." 33The child's father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." 36There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, 37and then was a widow until she was eighty-four.[e] She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. 38Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem. 39When Joseph and Mary had done everything required by the Law of the Lord, they returned to Galilee to their own town of Nazareth. 40And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him.


So this has been my past three nights worth of reading. Coincidence? NOT.

I do have lots of questions. For example, why is it that angels are not more talked about? It seems that angels are something affiliated with Christmas due to this section of the gospels. Mark/Peter didn't talk about angels. Matthew didn't talk about angels. So why is it that Luke talks about the celestial beings? How is it that he knows and the other two don't? It wasn't like Luke was one of the disciples? Luke is a doctor. Or at least I think he is a doctor. Why would a man of science (or at least I see physicians as scientists) talk about angels? I mean, that is the farthest thing from science. It is apparent that this is an oral history because of the way the book starts. Luke is talking to Theophilus. I'll call him Theo for short becaus his name is hard to type. Theo and Luke are sitting in front of a fire in the middle of . . . Rome? And Theo is asking, "So who is this Christ guy that Peter has set up this Catholic Church for?"
"Well, he is a healer and a miracle worker, but wait let me start from the beginning. It starts with Elizabeth." Luke starts. Then from nowhere, we have the gospel of Luke. Now, why would a physician believe in angels or in a Christ Child? He is a scientist. He is a believer in what can be treated not what cannot be seen.

Now something strange that I have not seen in the other gospels (Other than the whole history of God's Son) is the songs of the people. Zarcharias has a song he sings when John is born. Mary has the Magnificat. Then this Simeon comes along and he has something to say. The strangest part of Simeon's praise in my Bible is that all of the "thee's" and "thou's" were left in the text. It's like someone just got tired of trying to correct the KJV and left that part the same. Wacko. It is interesting to hear the blessings of Simeon and such. It reminds me of David's psalms. We learn about King David in another book, but his psalms were recorded. It is as though the significance of praise is incorporated into this gospel. There are not praises, blessings or psalms of any kind in the other gospels. WHY? Is it because the other writers found it unimportant? Or because they were too busy keeping up with Christ as they traveled the countryside spreading miracles? OR is this just God's way of covering all his bases?

Why are there only four gospels? Why aren't there twelve? Or more? I have been told that these books were chosen to be a part of the Bible because they had weight and authority. I guess the other tales were too overly fabricated. Or not well written or missing parts.

Who is Anna? Why is she signifigant to the story? Generally speaking when a woman shows up in the Bible at all she has some umph. Like Queen Ester or Ruth. This woman was a prophettess. She is an old woman who is hanging out worshiping God. Why is she mentioned?

Yeah, I have lots of questions. Did I mention that I got to pet a squirrel a couple of days ago? Random I know, but it was cool. Kind of like the story of Christ's birth being read at Christmas.

Set the table, set the table, set the table. . .

Vaccuum, vaccuum, what next. . .

Dress, primp, curl. . .

Hello, hello, hello

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. . .

How are you? OH...Hello, hello, hello. . .

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. . .

Is everyone here? Yes, no, oh. . .

Hello, hello, hello. . .

Just in time for the prayer. . .

Prayer: Thanks be to God in the highest for it is in his Son's birth that we gather in celebration. Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Amen

Mmmm . . .so, how are you? Oh, wait, homemade macaroni and cheese. . . mmmmm

Mmmm. . .so sorry, how are you? oh wait, ham. . .mmmmmmm

Mmmm. . .once more, how are you? oh! I gotta have that, pecan pie. . .mmmmm

Pictures. . .look over here, look over here, wait over there..

Snap, snap, snap

Presents, this is for you and

This is for you

This is for you

This is for you, did you get yours yet?

Well, this is for you.

Good bye, good bye, good bye. . .

Bye, bye, bye. . .

It was good to see you. . .

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. . .

Clear that table, clear this table, clear the other table. . .

Wash, wash, wash. . .dry, dry, dry. .

put this hear, put that there, no wait over there. . .

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........................

There is an art to throwing a dinner party. My parents have perfected it. My mother is a matriarch for our family. When she calls in the brothers, they all show up. There are no wives that are similar to speak of in our family. Mostly the wives all understand that she is the matriarch and that when she says, I am having a party, they stand next to the brother. However, my mother has four brothers and they all have two wives and generally have children by both wives. It is amazing really. The second wives are the ones that attend at Mama's functions, however there is an occassion or two when the firsts show up too and that makes for many, many people. There are going to be thirty people at my parents house tonight. Thirty people. It is not easy preparing a house, a meal, gifts, something to keep the little children out of trouble and a smile on your face the whole time. I only know of one other woman who understands the strain, she has eight children. I can't imagine her family holiday events. My guess is that it is similar to what my parents have done except everyday of the year. There is another woman in my community, now that I think of it, who has thirteen children. My understanding is that dinner at her house is like a machine. Discipline. No questions asked. Do your job, get going. I can't imagine. I am sure she is a matriarch too. It is an art. Keeping a family together. I don't know if I will ever have that challenge in my life. I am sure I will be up to the task if asked. Being a part of such a good family, I am well prepared. I was reading about Mary last night. She is a matriarch. She was so important her prescence made John the Baptist kick inside Elizabeth. Pretty cool. I wonder if my Mom ever made other babies kick. I think babies know when a good Mama is near. They kick in the womb. The stop crying when they get picked up. I guess it is not so much party throwing is the art, rather family tying is the art. Motherhood. My mother has different names if you talk to different people. To me and my brother she is mom. To her brothers she is Sissy. To her mother she is Lloyd. To my father she is Sue-sue. To her professionals comrades she is Rachel. She is a strong woman to be able to do what she is doing tonight. All of the silver is in the right spot. The Christmas tree is up. The candles are lit. The baby Jesus is on one mantle and the Dickens homes are on the other. The meal is cooked. The family is on their way. I feel like we should light luminaries to guide the way. All that is left is the people. They will be here soon. There is the first phone call for the one that is on their way. Soon.


Soon.


Soon.

The babies are coming. The family is coming. Christmas is here.

It happened again today. 26-30-29. . . There is ice everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean everywhere. Tree are down. Powerlines are ripped out of their sockets. Crazy. Cornelia was out of power for 24 hours and parts of it are still struggling. Clarkesville was out for about 5 hours. There are some serious benefits to living next to the electric company. Demorest is still out. They went out about 4 am yesterday morning and still nothing. Lack of power is our dilemma. The schools are closed, which I can see why because of the trees and power. Demorest Elementary and the Demorest Sixth Grade academy are out of luck. I felt like I was driving in though a war zone on the way to work. A battle between the ice and the trees. A thought that crossed my mind was that God was pruning the trees. It looks like it hurts. The size of the limbs that have fallen is unbelievable. Some whole trees are going to be permanently bent over towards the ground. The maples and some of the oaks were not even finished shedding their leaves so the ice is highlighted in reds and oranges. It definitely tells me that as much as we operate on this planet as humans, we are still subject to the powerfully created nature. We can tear down as many trees, we can build tons of roads, we can crank out plenty of polluted air, in the end. . .nature will win out. God does that. Creation of keeping the humans in check.

In other news, Luke is storytelling. I say storytelling because he sounds like someone just telling a story. He mentioned in the very begining someon named Theophilus. The book is written like that is who he is talking to, not that he is writing it. I find it interesting that Luke knows Christ's history. I don't remember Matthew or Mark/Peter talking about any angels. None. Not to mention giving them names. Gabriel is quite a figure. I found humor in that when Gabe first started talking to Mary, she looked at him like he was crazy. It wasn't until he said "do not be afraid" that she realized that maybe this guy was an angel and maybe he was talking to her. Powerful phrase, "Do not be afraid." It changes things completely. I can imagine some random angel showing up on my door step and proclaiming "YOU ARE FAVORED BY GOD, GREETINGS!" I would return with,"GREAT, I AM CALLING THE POLICE." My thoughts would be along the lines of I wonder what planet this guy lives on. Even after Gabe has explained what is going to happen, Mary is still uneventful in her return, "if you say so bud." (I am paraphrasing.) Do not be afraid. It takes the sting out of what's happening. The strange and unfamiliar are not so awful. Do not be afraid.

Well I won't be afraid on my travels to Peachtree City. I will share Christmas glee and excitement of family and love of life.

On my way to work, I pass three bank clocks that include the temperature. I drive from the north end of the county to the south end. Generally speaking, the south end of the county is warmer than the north end of the county by about five degrees. Also there is the sun factor that it hits the guages at different times and so some are all warmed up. The one last one I pass can sometimes be as much as nine or ten degrees warmer and it makes me laugh. This morning. I started at 30 degrees in Clarkesville. The second bank in Clarkesville was at 32 degrees. Typical, typical. I stopped at the light in Cornelia and it was 27 degrees. . . 27? What?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone I'll wait for you there
Alone

Nothing like a little Audioslave first thing in the morning. I don't know what got into me, but screaming loud crazy music was my theme this morning. Normally, I listen to the end of the Morning Edition on NPR, but this morning, nope. I was raring to go somewhere. Mostly, I wanted to run, but I had to go to work, so I listened to my running music. I get interesting looks when I play this cd. Mostly, people look at me funny when I say things like, yeah, I used to sit on the coffee shop porch and smoke cigarettes....YOU SMOKED? AAAAHHH.....the Horror. My girlfriend Megan says that I am a hippie in conservative clothing. She says it is my facade for the world. I like it. No camping for me thank you, but if you want to hug trees, go for it. People go good grief when they hear my screaming music. There is something to it that is empowering. It is better than Rocky music. I guess it has a lot to do with me. I am a generally angry person who is wrapped with opinions and judgements of myself and everyone else, which goes over in this world like a lead balloon. The music gives me an avenue (well music and excercise) to release all of that and just stop thinking. STOP THINKING THOUGHTS . . .

ERERERERGEGGGGGG.........run......scream.....ache.......

Yeah, time for ME to go to the gym. Expulsion of energy. POW.

Happy Birthday to Mom
Happy Birthday to Mom
Happy Bithday dear MOOOOOOOOMMMMM
Happy Birthday to Mom!

Mom is old yesterday. I just needed to tell the world.

Well I am ramping up for the New Year's Eve event I am planning. I have so much time on my hands, I think this will be a good one. The more preparation there is the better the event is. I ran out of posters I have done so much work!

My weekend was long. Sometimes I feel like I don't get a weekend. On Saturday I helped out at the flower shop and at the gourmet food shop, as a result, I am tired and unfocused today. I am just going to have to start saying no to thing. I am not all that great at saying no, but I am going to have to say it. IT...

I finished Mark/Peter. Yeah, so the great commission says (in the second ending of Mark) that I can handle snakes if I believe. Let me go try that one. Also, I should be able to speak in tongues. . .I speak Spanish, does that count? In the third ending of Mark/Peter (which is not even listed in the online link I have), Peter was told about the commission. Hmm...I found it interesting that the first ending of Mark stops at "Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid." I think I would be pretty afraid too. Here I am a WOMAN in the middle of a time when women mean nothing and I am the one who finds out there is no Jesus in the tomb, just some creepy guy saying Christ has risen. I say creepy because it doesn't say angel, it says a young man dressed in a white robe. Pretty creepy. If I had some young man in a white robe hanging out in the grave yard saying things that made no sense, I would be afraid. I mean, who hangs out in graves other than the dead? Creepy. Of course, if the women said nothing to anyone, why do we even know they were there? Someone talked. What it does tell me is that women play a significant role in the ministry of Christ. Women have just as much a bearing as men do. Other wise, men would be doing everything. Mostly, they just got to be called disciples or apostles, but we are the one who discover. Yep, he likes us better. Can you blame him? We are cute. Yes I am being coy, but I am trying to draw a valid point that is that women count. We are not here to cook and clean and let the men step on us. We are here to be disciples too. We can step up to the plate and be a part of our lives. I think I was supposed to be born earlier when I could burn my bra. Although, I like my bra. I think it would have been fun being in the different women's awakenings. I say that plurally because there were at least two that I can think of right off the top of my head and I am only accounting for this country so there are some that are out there for which I don't know. Okay, I am off to find a rattler...

Well, I had to return my grown up car back into the rental place. It was a 2006 Nissan Maxima. That was sad. It was such a nice vehicle. It was as long and wide as a boat. I felt like I was driving the car I learned on: 1988 Caprice Classic. Boats. Although I would classify the Nissan as a yacht. Luxury reasons. I think I want a grown up car. Well, at least I have the grown up job now I might be able to get a grown up car. Although, I need to find one I can park in a parking spot instead of a boating dock. Surely there are luxury vehicles that are not that big or come with their own drivers.

I have just finished watching the first two Godfathers. Those are great movies. I mean great movies. I have never seen the third one, however it is in queue for my Netflix. Somehow they didn't come together. Next is Labryrinth. I hope it is not as bad as Willow was. I went to bible study and let it slip that I had just finished the second Godfather and one of the women looked right at me and said, "well you probably need a good bible study!" It made me laugh.

Don't Should on it....that was the joke at Bible study. No shoulding...say it, it is funnier. We were talking about expectations.

It is taking everything I have not to buy things. You know how normally you just say, hmm. that looks good, I think I'll take it, oh and it is ten bucks, great! Except this year I have given a Christmas list. It has been since I was owe, twelve since I wrote a Christmas list, but I did because I am so tired of people asking me what I want. I always no what I want, I am a selfish and self centered person. I ALWAYS know what I want. Now it is taking everything I have not to buy what I want...erg. But Christmas will be great.

Today is the Christmas Tree Lighting!!! Hurray!!

I hope people show. I have been planning this thing for a month and no luck on carolers so there will be music piped through a p.a. that will be interesting. There will be Santa and a bonfire and lots of joys and goodies in for the people. I feel like my life gets set on fire with each event. There is something about a performance that is so exhilirating. It is an adreniline rush.

Coolness in my world yesterday, I won my first chess game ever. I had no idea I was smart enough to win a chess game, but I did! Also, my buddie Alan called me last night and we talked until the middle of the night. It is nice to hear from friends. Especially when they are far away and do things like fight in wars. He is officially de-activated. He will go get some kind of training in Arizona in January and then re-activate once he is done. The nice thing is that he will be here for a while. (Well, he will be in Alabama for a while, but at least he is stateside instead of Puerto Rico or Iraq or Afghanistan, which he has been in all three in the past year!) I am geared up with all this adrineline to play my brother in chess, although that make take all the steam out of me because he would beat me!

Well, I was in the paper. Yes. It is the back of my head. Woohoo! The article was nice enough, the photo was ridiculous. My girlfriend at the flower shop was upset because it bumped her stuff off of the front page to no coverage at all. Oh well. I didn't really have anything to do with any of it other than what I am supposed to do. I was lucky to be on the front page. Hurray! Rae has a real job!! I went to a meeting today explaining what I am doing as a BHT Manager and the question raised was how many hours am I working in a week. ALOT. I officially can relate to my parents and to the women entrepreneurs (what a weird word) I know. I have been praying the Jabez prayer for over a year now on a daily basis. If this is the blessing, I love it!

Good grief, I feel like I have been hit by a truck. . .

Oh, wait I was hit by a truck. A Chevy 4x4 to be exact. He pulled out in front of me on my way to work. Sun was in my eyes, but conveneintly reflected off of the bumper of the truck because it was in the middle of the intersection. Seeing as I had no stop sign and was on a high way, and he was at a stop sign, not on the highway, it was a tad confusing. I swerved, and all the way down my passenger side there is a huge scrape. My doors are punch and puzzled. They look like a puzzle where the pieces need to be pushed down into the puzzled to make it whole. My mirror is not happy at all. It could have been much worse. Thank you Dad for giving me the teachings of defensive driving. I swerved, I scraped, I cried, but I am alive! If I hadn't, I would be dead! He was really nice (the guy that hit me). My pride & vanity are all that are injured. I am grateful. The insurance guys have been really nice. Thank you God for good people.

Thanks Giving

Harry Potter was great, both times. I didn't find it nearly as magical, but I think that was due to the lack of Williams in the music. It was more action/adventure. Saw it twice. Once in West Va with my boyfriend, John, while we were visiting his Mama in Bramwell, WVA, home to the millionaires. Bramwell used to have more millionaires per capita than any other city in the US in 1915! Coal, steel that kinda thing. It was nice to see Mrs. Kahle again. She likes having people come and stay too which makes for good hospitality. From there there was work and then to my family's home in PTC for Thanksgiving turkey. It was John's first overnight stay with the fam so everyone was freaked out, but I felt like it went well. I stayed extra only to discover Firefly, thanks to my brother and his rocket scientist friend who has alligators as next door neighbors! It was a good stay. I came home on Saturday to an exhaustion I wasn't expecting. Sunday was a day of chores and movies. I am still behind, but I am taking tonight off too in order to catch up with things. I think I summed up two weeks in one paragraph. Pretty good if I do say so myself!

I am slammed with work. Slammed. Can't believe it. Am taking it home am so slammed. Today was a Monday and dreary at that. Maybe it will get better tomorrow. It has to it is Tuesday. My New Year's event is all lined up and ready to go though! Hurray. Now if I can just get through Friday's Christmas event I will be good. Whew. This is a lot.

MOVIE WEEKEND!!! Woohoo!! Walk the line...Harry Potter...hmmm.....hurray for good movies! I have Road to Perdition at home which my brother swears by however I have yet to not fall asleep through, however I am giving it one last ditch effort just for Crater's sake. Movies, movies, movies....Yeah, I am going to West Virginia about noonish today so my movies will be limited and I will be in the sixth Harry Potter book in 15 degree weather!

Great Article:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/11/17/eye.ent.potter/

I feel your pain my friend, I feel your pain. . . .

Well I am not so worn out today. I stayed in last night and well. . .I sort of stayed in. I went to the new McDonald's in Clarkesville that had a private party and are opening on Friday or something. They had folks wandering around saying, "Would you like a fry?" or "Perhaps you would care for a chicken mcnugget?" It makes me laugh even now. Don't get me wrong, the place was beautiful and doesn't look like any Mickey D's I grew up with, but it was just wierd having apple pies in their boxes offered as a dessert taster. Funny. All the folks that were there were high society on our local level. I felt very priveldged to be there. THEN I went home and stayed home. I felt all priveledged and fancy and one of the crowd to come home and be me: Ramen Noodles and watching Willow from the Netflix. Funny thing about Willow, I never realized how old or how bad it was. It still worked, but the best actors were Willow, Val Kilmer and the baby. The baby was probably better than Val. I think that if the plot were a little more developed it would have worked. Maybe if they had done it in a trilogy like they did Star Wars. All of the producers and directors and such were all really big A list folk, but everyone gets a bad apple once in a while and this movie was bad. I still liked it though. I think I like it because it has a good ending, a quest of the main character, a little love, the great fight of good and evil, Val with his shirt off and it was a movie I watched growing up. It was still bad though. Now that I watch Star Wars, I realize how bad the acting was in it too, but I still like it too. I think sometimes you just gotta have a soft spot for bad flicks. Got through a good deal of Potter last night. It is long! Read more in Mark. I find it humorous when Christ gets mad. He starts to get mad initially when he randomly picks a fruit tree, fig tree and wants something to eat, realizes there is not any figs on it and zaps it permanently for being empty. That would be the equivalent of me going into Chick-fil-A and saying "What no chicken? ARG!!! You will never have chicken again!!! ARG!!" Then He goes to the temple and pitches a fit when all He really needs is a chicken sandwich. Guess He has a human side after all. At least He fit a lesson into the fit pitching process, that is better than I would do.

Worn out is an understatement. At the same time, because I am disciplining myself, I seem to have lots of time. I am able to keep my house clean, spend time with Rachel and spend time with friends. I am in the middle of Harry Potter 6 and am loving every second of it. DO NOT tell me what happens. It is better written than the other books. She keeps moving forward, which I keep expecting a lag time, but I think now that all the exposition is out, she is able to do that. I have been falling asleep to it (because I am so tired!) I have been watching West Wing incessantly because I want to get the fourth season. Yes, I have three seasons and am more willing to buy the fourth than pay my bills. Call me addicted if you like, I don't mind. It is tiring to keep up with WW. I am also looking forward to my Women's Bible Study on Thursday. It is helping me to balance out in the God department. Megan is still mad at me, but whatever. She will get over it or go away. I think she is getting over it though. Iris has been sick which is not so good, but little kids get sick. I get stressed without my best friend. My friend Mike is in the hospital for kidney cancer. They are going to take a kidney and the tube, but right now they are fighting infection off and he seems like he is in a lot of pain. He is my friend who had a double stroke about a year or so ago. He was just getting back to normal. I am praying for him and visiting him. That is emotionally tiring. My new job is way crazy and exciting. There is nothing about it that bores me and there are lots of things that I get to do. It makes me tired performing on this level, but I get my first real job paycheck on Friday. WHOA. I am ready. In the meanwhile I am going to be trained tomorrow. I am tired too. I mean, I am tired. I ran two miles yesterday at the gym. The stupid machine said I didn't burn any calories, but I don't believe it becuase I can feel a nice stretched pain in my legs that is dull but not painful. Will probably wait until Wednesday to do that again. Did I mention that I am tired?

I'm on the last train to Clarkesville and I'll see you at the station. . . .


Did anyone see the train, somehow I got off in Cornelia and I can't seem to figure out how to get home! I started my new job, can ya tell?

I am into Mark/Peter. Yeah, he's weird, why? Phrases like: where the worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched. . .if your eye causes you pain cut it out and throw it away. Yeah, I have never understood this passage. The only way I know how to relate is to just ask God to take away my character defects when they cause me pain. My newest defect is oblivion. While in a lot of ways this can be an asset because I stay in my own little world and not bother any one, the flip side is that I forget people. This week, I forgot Megan. I don't know how I forgot Megan, but I did. I have been in my own little world trying desperately to do what God would have me do and I stepped right in my own way. Specifically, I stepped on Megan by forgetting her. I forgot Iris's birthday party. I had another function at the same time and thought that the birthday party would be over when I was done with what I was doing and didn't stop to call, write or send smoke signals. I just forgot. Selfishness and self centeredness is the root of all my troubles. I tried to apologize because that is the right thing to do. Michelle says now I have to let God do his thing and heal her heart. I went to my first ever Bible study this morning and the theme was the power of God. People talked about all the great miracles that God performed in the old testament and of course the Miracle of the new testament and my insides still want to worry. I want to rub solvent on her wound and make her my Megan again and I just can't. God has to do that. God is the solvent. Christ is my solvent, but God is the solvent. I can't believe I got that out of my reading from Peter. . . Mark, last night. Last night when I was thinking about what the passage meant all I could think was I don't get it. Have salt in yourselves and be at peace with one another. Let go and let God huh? Okay, that I get.

Thank you GOD!! What a helping of good things have I had lately?

I got an offer for a job that is one of those jobs that you are supposed to get right out of college. I had no problem being independent from my parents when I graduated from college, I just didn't have any idea on how to support myself. This was quite a process. There was the low self esteem, the severe character defects and being lost in my spritual journey that all have made things more interesting in my life. I did the best I could with what I had, which didn't include God, but was more about self will run riot. I have ended up in these mountains of northeast Georgia feeling my way around in the dark, although now I have God as a guide. I have been trying desperately to find some sort of path to follow. I have been placing one foot in front of another and when God says take a left, I take a left. When God says nope, take a right, I go right and if that doesn't work I retrace my steps and start over and try something different. I feel like a blind person and with less anger at God and less anger at myself. I try not to place expectations, not have fear about what I might lose, not have fear about what I want. I am not great at this and mostly the area of my life that I have found this most successful is in my friendships and in my employment. I still haven't master it in my intimate relationships, in my finances or in my time management or physical well being. All of these areas I try to pray for on a disciplined level every morning on my knees and every night before bed. The most I know is that it will happen when it is supposed to and not any earlier or later. One of the most interesting thing about God is that he is always punctual.

Being punctual, I have finally, 8 years after graduating, gotten one of those jobs just after graduation. It seems to have objectives which I can grow into and objectives I already for which I have some grasp. The position title is: "Better Homes & Town Manager." It comes with things like salary and benefits and vacation and state holidays. Who would ever guess that me, I , myself would, could ever possibly deserve, earn, be GRANTED such a thing as a job where on Thursday mornings I can go to a bible study or go home for more than two days for Christmas or not be afraid to buy a dvd? This is not something that I did, I get that. This is something, one of those things, God shots.

In other cool events this weekend, went to a law school prospectus student seminar. It was very informative and gave me ideas for parts of my application processes. They were key on several points: LSATs are averaged, not the highest score is taken, but the average; apply early; have your recommendations written by someone who knows you; apply early; make your personal statement, personal; apply early; do community service work and finally, apply early. The early bird gets the worm was what I gathered from the dean of admissions. We had a mock classroom with one of the professors and he thought I was weird. He posed this question: A client comes into your office with a smoking gun and tells you that he has just shot the store clerk down the road for giving him incorrect change? What do you do with him? with the gun?
My answer was take him to dinner, leave the gun in the office and have someone "discover" it like a secretary who would then turn the weapon over to police, but what ever you do DON"T TOUCH IT. I thought that was good, he thought I was nuts. What do you suggest. (Mom can't answer because I already told you the answer.) It was great fun and made me miss being in the classroom. I think I will fit in like one of those round pegs. There was a panel too of alumni and professor and a currently enrolled student. There were two things I gained from it, time management and knowing when enough is enough. About that time, I had been sitting/standing (I went out in the hall way because I couldn't sit anymore) for over three hours with no programmed break and when they called for the tours, I was outta there. I would have loved a tour of the facility, but I felt like I would much rather go see my Mom. So I did. I did the right thing because Kent and Carter came for a visit too and what more can a girl ask for in a weekend? Family, law school and a cool new job!

I watched Coach Carter last night. It was a nightmare of a production. I recognize that it is a true story, but the way it was told was really bad. It acted like it was going to be a Hoosiers movie, then it wasn't. Then it tried to be a little ESPN, then it wasn't. Then it decided it needed a little MTV collage, then it wasn't. The "serious" moment where the coach was contemplating what he really wanted out of his team was late in the movie, poorly acted and overly staged. This is unusual for Samuel L. Jackson (the poorly acted comment), but my guess is that he was doing what he was paid to do and not what he is capable of doing. Very rarely do I pan a movie because I recognize that not everyone likes the movies that I like so I try to recognize the worth of the movie within its genre, for example, Scarface was a horrible movie, however within its genre it was as A grade as you get. Mostly, it was just a tragedy and I am a feel good kind of girl. But in the case of Coach Carter......ack they just offered me a real job!

There are so many things on my mind today.

Grace is sick. That's sad. She has swollen glands and a sore throat. . .ack. I am going to take her a movie at lunch.

Was reading Mark/Peter last night. Christ is teaching in His home town and much like the Astros, there were little to no miracles happening. It talked about Him not being able to perform miracles. I found it interesting that they listed His brothers and His mother, but no dad. There wasn't a reference to God or Joseph, just Mary. Guess this is part of the reason the Catholics hold her in such high esteem. I find it interesting that the Catholics pray to Mary thinking she has pull with God or Christ. That line of thought lends to the idea that prayer is used for something more than communication with God, rather that it is communication with the dead. So if I go Catholic can I pray and talk to my grandmother? What if I misdial and get yours? Back to my original thought: not being able to perform miracles. That is strange. Is it because He was at home and the folks were of disbelief? Maybe it was lack of support. . .The people in the other miracles, Christ tells them their faith has made them well, which implies that it is a two way street healing: you believe, He heals, raises from the dead, stops the inside demons. Yet in His hometown, not matching to any prophesy of any kind they treated him and believed in him as those He were just Josh, nothing more, nothing special, but man He can talk and build you a good table or oxen yoke too. It is always good to have a trade. That was a wierd section. I guess even in Christ's life there was some dysfunctional family things happening.

This morning in the meditation in the bathroom it had this creed called the toddler's creed:

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my

mind later, it's mine.

If I I can take it away from you,

it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago,

it's mine.

If it's mine it will never belong to

anyone else, no matter what.

If we are building something together,

all the pieces are mine.

If is looks like mine,

it is mine.

The question at the end of the meditation is are you still following the Toddler's creed or are you allowing Christ to create in you a new, giving heart? Yeah, I am a toddler. Always and forever. Then the solution kicks in after the toddler thought and I have to practice a different action. Hopefully, that opposite action will train my thought processes so that I am not so toddler like, but as of right now, I am still kicking and screaming! I like the new creed that I have learned though:

If it ain't broke,

Don't fix it.

If it ain't yours,

Don't take it.

If it ain't so,

Don't say it.

I can remember that as a solution today and not worry about my actions being astray. That way, Christ can do whatever he wants with my heart....well unless he is in Nazareth, then he has less luck as it seems.

Last night was exciting. I went grocery shopping with Sherry aka Gertie Mae. She and I went to Ingles and initially I had intentions of having dinner with her family, but what ended up was that I bought ten dollars worth of things for myself and decided to have my own meal! Strangely enough, she managed to go home with some of my groceries anyway. So in exchange, I picked up her daughter, Grace from ballet. While I was waiting on Grace, I made Manwich and pasta for myself. I also paid off my movie balance and rented "Crash." Whoa, gonna watch that one again tonight. It was really really good. It punches racism right in the mouth. It was amazing. It was really good. Maybe I won't watch it tonight, I have a couple of DVD's in the pobox so I might snag them instead. Both the movie and the dinner were good though. Then I read more of my new Harry Potter book. While the rest of the world was already reading it and well into their second or third time reading it (Grace read it in 4 1/2 days the first time), my Mama got it for me and I am behind, but not as far behind as I was! I think I am going to start working out tonight....ack, I said it out loud. I have been trying to become willing to work out again. I have no reason not to any more. I am excited because I will hopefully tone up the arms and legs and maybe even lose weight, but mostly I just would like some shaping to happen. There is some unhappiness in the hips and thighs and tummy, not bad, but enough that my self esteem is crashing. I figure weights three times a week and maybe cardio five times a week ought to do the trick. I don't know how long I will make it this evening because I haven't even walked aerobically in nine months. I will be in ppppapapaaaaiainninnn tomorrow. That is the part I don't like. It's like quitting smoking: not something you want to do twice.

Interesting thing about Mark/Peter, he is really detailed in his story telling. For example, in the story of Legion and Christ and the casting into the pigs (Gerasene Demoniac), which I don't remember in Matthew, but maybe it was there. His description of how Legion speaks and when the man speaks and Christ's words are specific. Christ says less than anything in Matthew. Mark/Peter makes Christ appear more introspective. Also the story is more of a spiritual world story(as opposed to a human world story). Mostly in Matthew there are parables and several human miracles (healing and what not), but this story regarding Legion is mystical. It is similar to the description of Adam and Eve before the misbehavior. They were not orginally clothed with flesh, which makes me thing they were spirits of some kind: mystical. While I recognize that these days we would say, oh well this guy had skitzophrenia (yeah, I like that spelling), the desciption in the scripture leads my thoughts elsewhere and not to something explainable. Legion is real and the demons are talking to Christ. Talking, like saying, "hey we are in here and there is more than one of us and we are going to do whatever you tell us to do because you are God's son, but don't send us back to hell man because we can't take it anymore." The passage is more tangible regrading evil than I have ever read. It also makes me think that that war that Ernie talked about when I was a teenager and I am supposed to wear my armour of God, which I never understood and mostly thought he made some story up and being a teenager, I knew everything anyway, might be totally plausible. Although, I almost wonder if that is something that is supposed to happen amongst the spiritual beings, aka Christ and the demons, and not neccessarily amongst those of us who are normal average, none demon speaking, non God hearing, not on that perception wave length. I guess what I am saying is that Mark/Peter saw something that was not of this world and maybe wasn't supposed to be . . . this is one of those passages that movies are made of . . . Perhaps they had access to this experience because they are the chosen to walk around with Christ and record the happenings of Christ and didn't they speak in tongues so that all who were there could hear the message? Didn't Christ pass on some of the healings ability onto the disciples? I mean that would qualify them as spiritual world type folk. Not neccessarily standard human folk. Maybe that is why they were privvy and the rest of us just get second hand what happened.

I have heard this story all my life in bible school or Sunday school or wherever, but it never made sense to me. I don't know if I have ever read the text or not (not often that I have, mostly oral history is the deal when I was book learning in church), but it is definitely a little creepy. It is a faith issue. Do demons exist? Are they present in this world? Do they have the capablity of possession? If so then are they capable of temptation? Is there really a devil lurking in the shadows or is he only waiting for us to die to snatch our souls? If I have faith in God and Christ and the Holy Trinity, is there a duality or is God all encompassing and duality is not even a possibility, thus no devil or evil or demons and only the self will of the arduous son of Adam? Yes I am asking questions and yes answers would be super cool. This "miracle" didn't impress upon the town's people like the healings did on the other town's people. It wasn't a "Hey, cool that guy is healing people. He must be God." The towns people were like, "Hey, get out of here. You are freaking us out. We don't care who you are." The reaction of the people is what makes me think, "hmm. . .kind of not real, like too real, like whoa, the things that people don't talk about happening but gives them reason to worship some random totem." It wasn't until they heard the story second hand (which we all know what second hand information is like, funnier or more embellished or sadder or somethinger, not so scary or scarier), they were amazed. They were not joyful that the son of God had shown up and taken away this guy's anguish, they were in awe of whatever the guy said. There is an assumption that he spoke gospel and that was what the awe was for, but really why did it take someone else telling them the deal? Perhaps it was because they were so spooked out by what they didn't understand? Maybe it was because what they saw, being non spiritual people, was not what Mark/Peter saw, being spiritual people, and the man who experienced it interpreted it for them! Nah, too much sense, but then again it would explain why Christ spoke in parables and then explained them to the disciples who were capable of interpretation. This explanation is beginnig to sound more and more like Harry Potter.

There is nothing like a good weekend. There is only one way to judge whether a weekend is good or really good: the after effect. If I feel like I can barely get up on Monday morning, the weekend was great. If I feel like I have been hit by a truck on Sunday, but will be okay by Monday, the weekend is pretty good. If on Sunday, I am still looking for things to do, but know that it is over and the week is about to begin, the weekend was good. This weekend was a pretty good weekend. I told John yesterday while we were shopping at the Super Walmart in Dahlonega, that I felt like I had a hangover, he said it was because we had been playing all weekend. From there we walked around the square in Dahlonega because it felt like a festival had hit the square there were so many people. When we got back to the farm, I took a well deserved Sunday nap and felt much better once I woke. When I woke up this morning to Morning Edition, I was happily restored to my usual beautiful self. I now know why they call it beauty sleep.

Megan and boy came and stayed at the farm both Friday and Saturday night. That is great except I forget that Meg is the true best girlfriend. While growing up I was the one who stayed up until four in the morning and only went to sleep when there was no one left to talk to, I am not that girl today: Megan is. She played backgammon, she ate potato chips, she drank tea, she asked questions, she even jumped on the bed. . .thus I was up until 2:30 am one night and 3 am the next. Megan doesn't have that internal alarm that goes off yet. She still has the ability to sleep until noon with no problem. I don't know when that alarm started happening for me, but sleeping in for me is ten and that is only when the night has been like the nights this weekend. How did I end up being the uncool girlfriend? How did I end up being the first asleep? How did I end up being the girl thinking, "if this chick doesn't stop, I am going to have to get ugly?" I am the cool girl who can do anything. I am the cool girl who can experience everything. I am the one who goes to bed at four, is up at eight and keeps going. . .well truth be told, I would go home to the folks and they would want to kill me because I was such a grouch and mean spirited. Dad would swear that I would never go spend the night again (then next weekend I would go anyway. . .yeah my Dad is a softy). But who cares? My girlfriends all thought I was cool and that was what was really important! What is neat today is that even though I fell asleep before Meg did, she still thinks I am cool. She thinks it is more fun trying to keep me awake than if I had stayed awake and tried to think of something to do. The other thing that happened as a result of this game Meg made out of this weekend is that I ended up having a pretty good weekend. Nothing like a little love and friendship and being jumped on while under the covers to have a story to tell, to give me a pretty good weekend.

The fastest runner in the state of Georgia lives in Clarkesville. I have seen a few runners in my time and this guy runs like he is running away from something he is going so fast. God help the police if he is a theif, becuase they will never catch him. I don't think he is though. He runs like 5 minute miles or something crazy. What is really wierd is that he looks like a bulky body builder, but he is running. I have spoken to him before and he is a triathalete....whoa bad spelling. Anyway, he is amazing. He is about my hieght, maybe shorter and is fair complected like me, but with red. It is really a strange phenomenon to be going about my business (because I walk everywhere) and have this guy come buzzing by me. The expression on his face is priceless. It looks like my brother's face when he is swimming really hard: utter determination.

The meditation today made me laugh. It used the example of Cyprus. Cyprus's Dad whose name I can't spell, gathered together his advisors and ordered the young prince's death. So the henchman through him to the cold death on a mountain top. A herdsman came along and raised the baby prince, Cyprus, to a grown man with no knowledge of his lineage. That was the reference. It linked in to say that we too are of royal blood in that we are part of the royal blood of Christ. WHATEVER...bad reference. The thing about Greeks who have been thrown on a mountainside to die because of their father's hubris is that they always come back to kill Dad. I don't remember the story of Cyprus exactly, but my bet is that Cyprus rose up against his father after being told to his disbelief by the Oracle of his fate, not knowing it was his father and believeing it was just another king and killed him. NOT exactly a good example. Let's rejoice in the Lord while we mistakenly kill our Dads shall we! Hurray Rejoice, I say Rejoice.

Yeah, my humor is a little off, but the meditation in the bathroom seemed to be a little too far fetched for my Kern educated head to believe or even meditate. Maybe it makes sense to the masses, but to me it seemed rediculous. Education will bite me everytime.

The movies that I have been watching lately crack me up. I use an online movie vendor so I don't always know what I am going to get because I stack up an order of about twenty or thrity movies and then wait a while. I forget what I have ordered which is great because it is like a weekly surprise. This week was more than a surprise. I just finished the Indiana Jones series so I recognized that I was on a binge for older but not old movies, just things from when I was growing up.

This week I got Blade Runner, Die Hard and Mad Max. Seeing that I just finished watching Harrison, I decided to watch Mel and Bruce first. Mel is a great actor, I don't know that anyone can contest that. In the movie they show him in all sorts of shots that express a variety of emotions. He well out acted the others in the film, not that that was hard. Some of the people, I could have out acted. That being said: that was one of the worst films I have ever seen. I recognize that it is how Mel got started, but it was just down right bad. For some reason I thought that Tina Turner was in that movie, but it must be the sequel. Also, Mel has gotten handsome in his old age. He is such a hottie even to this day, but as a young man...wow.

I watched Bruce's flick next. Now I have seen Die Hard once in a frat house with my boyfriend Jason on a Saturday afternoon, but I can't say that I remember seeing all of it and the ending was new for me. Die Hard is a great movie. It has all the elements of a great movie: great good guy (NYPD's finest), great bad guy (terrorist turned theif, Professor Snape aka Alan Rickman), beautiful girl (corporate ladder climber with good looks), great explosions (the helicopter was awesome) and most of all great catch phrases (none of which I could ever say on tv, but just the same, they will always be remembered). I had no idea how much fun it would be to watch this movie, but it was fun. If I ever get back to having some money again, I am adding this one to the collection. Blade Runner is on the docket for this evening while I prepare sales taxes for a friend's store and clean up for my Mama, who is coming to see me tomorrow and who should bring a sweater for the evenings because it is getting into the low forties at night up here. Juanita, a friend, said that her thermometer read 42 Monday night. The bank signs say 49 so it is still really cool. Back to Harrison. I wonder what I was thinking when I checked these off on the website? How did I get these three movies? They are similar in genre, but not really. My understanding of Blade Runner is that it is the science fiction of the science fiction. I saw it edited for tv once, so I wonder what it is going to really be like. That is probably why I ordered it: to see what it is really like without commercials and blurb overs. Popcorn all night for me!

Judge NOT lest ye be judged...

So I have started reading Mark (the book after Matthew) and all of this religiousity that I have been delving into lately is curious. I notice religious things more. For example, in a bathroom I was in lately it made reference to Matthew 1:7 in a meditation book. No it wasn't my bathroom and no I am not telling who has a bathroom with a Bible and meditation book lieing around. Anyway, it used parents confronting a son about pornography as the issue. And the point was that we shouldn't judge but that doesn't mean that we can't lovingly confront a sin . . . in the reference story, the son lost everything he ever had in life because he read and purchased pornography. What a joke! I would have to say, if he lost everything in his life (wife, kids and what not), there was more than buying smut going on and perhaps the parents should have addressed all of it if they wanted to be loving!

. . . back to what I was saying in the first place: Mark is cruising through the story of Christ. There is an air of mysticism about it. The thing that I can't figure out is that Mark says that Christ calls the apostles from a mountain top while Matthew talks about coming upon them and making them fishers of men. He speaks specifically of Matthew the tax collector, which I get why Matthew didn't make himself special, but ...mmm....curious. The other thing I can't figure is how does Mark know about the events of Christ if he wasn't one of the twelve he lists? Who is Mark in relation to the disciples and why do we attribute his writings to be gospel worthy as opposed to say, Simon/Peter? Are there no writings of Peter? What about Christ? Did Christ never make a mark on paper other than in the sand? Do we know? Mark almost seems like he is Peter, that is why I ask. I understand that the books were chosen because they had weight and authority. That makes sense, but I feel like I am reading the Last Temptation of Christ as opposed to Godspell. I really thought the Last Temptation of Christ was wierd beyond all weirdness by the way. It is hard for a movie to be completely off the charts for me, but that was one of them. My point is that I am reading Mark and it is weirding me out. It definitely carries authority though, I will give him that.

There is a cd in this place where I work today. It is a piano cd. It is recorded in this pianist's living room thus the name: the Living Room Sessions. Chris Rice is the name of the pianist. He is really good. All of the pieces of music are songs I have grown up with: For the Beauty of the Earth, This is My Father's World, How Great Thou Art, Fairest Lord Jesus. It makes me want to go home. It makes me want to go home to the church that I remember. I don't know that my perspective of the church I grew up in is true, but it is what I remember. Lots of music, of course. It was my second home because of the amount of time I spent there. There were roller skates. There were carpeted rows to run down in between the pews which had linoleum under them and if you got on your belly you could slide underneath them which made for great chases. Homework in strange places like the music library, the sanctuary, the room next to the the fuse ball room. Always, always there was a rehearsal. Sometimes it was Mrs. Scott practicing the organ and Lea Anne and I miandering around aimlessly. Sitting and listening to the Messiah rehearsal and knowing my part by the time I was sixteen. It was a place that I could always go to like family and never be . . . I don't know. It was a home that I grew up in that's all.

My alarm went off at six this morning, it was hoping that I would rise and shine to go run or walk or do something, but alas, it kept going off for the next hour. I am not a morning person and never have been, but when I make my mind up that it is time to be awake, I am. There is no use for caffeine in my world, although I do drink a lot of coffee, it is not what gets me going in the morning. I said my prayers. I turned on the radio to Morning Edition (there are no other stations that my radio picks up which is fortunate because it gives me a sense of home. My Dad used to listen to it while taking me to high school in the morning.). My coffee has already begun percolating because I set it the last night. I am awake and in the shower. Then it sets in. That feeling. That understanding inside of me. Morning, at the same time everyone else in the world experiences it. Morning, before the sun has come up because the time hasn't changed yet. Morning, by the sound of the school buses outside. Morning, with Charles Edwards. My life is already in motion. I can feel it. I know what to do next. I am going to get out my outfit and make my bed. I am going to dry my hair, dress and eat breakfast. It is work that I am going to do today. Not hanging out with friends and them paying me to be in their stores, but actual work. Work where the people don't know me. Work where the people are post office friends: the kind of friend you say hello to and ask about their children or parents or if they are feeling better and move on to the rest of your life.

The last day I had like this, when the morning was morning, I also had an impending doom. Doom is the worst of the worst lurking feelings in the back of my heart and mentally destructive in my head. I would hate my day before it even started. I hated where I worked, which was good because the feeling was mutual, they hated me too. It was aweful. I mean just aweful.

Those mornings. . .

Those mornings were the worst mornings and getting out of bed was something I succumbed to not something I would volunteer.

This morning though. . .

This morning, there was no hate. There was no gloom or doom. There was purpose without malice. There was no tinge of excitement because I understand my job already, I just have to become oriented. It is that sense of comfort and ease that comes with consistency and stability. God is here and with me in my morning. I am not afraid where my next dollar is coming from, I am not afraid of where I am going, I am not afraid of the people I am going to work--am working for and with, I am not afraid. The gift God has given me today, it is hard to describe since I haven't had it in so long, but here goes and I recognize that not everyone sees it as a gift, but today I do:

it is morning routine.

So I got this call from Megan. She was upset. She is telling me very halting that she thinks that she just left work and hit her boss's car on the way out of the parking lot. What should she do, she asks. I asked her why she thought she hit the call as opposed to actually knowing she hit the car. The car alarm went off as she was driving past and she was on the phone when it happened and can't decide if she really did or not. Once she calmed down, she decided to do the right thing and call her boss.

She called back after a while. . .

Her boss did it on purpose. Set off the alarm on purpose. Poor Meg.....heheheheeeheehahahahahaahahhahahaha

While I recognize that I am the "go-to" girl on the square in Clarkesville, which means that I work for about four to five people on any given day, I once again, was looking for another job.

I told God, okay God, I want to go to law school, but what I am doing now is not cutting it, PU-LEASE give me a place to go that will meet my needs and let me play too.

So about that time my girlfriend who owns on of the many store where I work, was assaulted (long story I am not going to explain) and in the process I called in the crime, talked to the police officers yadayadayada.

Meanwhile, back on God's ranch, this woman who was across the street mentioned that she needed an office person in the middle of all that. Yes, God, I hear you.

So I prayed and meditated and walked across the street one day (off the square...ooh, ah, holy skikies, off the square). I gave her my resume. She got sick, . . .

Okay God, I thought you wanted me to get this job? What's going on?

Then another woman walks into a shop. She is leaving her job and wants me to have it.

THANK YOU FOR THE SIGN GOD!

I give Woman #2 my resume and she says to call this man and he will interview me. I call this man (after prayer and meditation because I was afraid--don't ask why) and make an appointment. NO ONE CALLED ME BACK.....

Alright God, I am going to just let you do your thing.

Woman #1 gets better and calls me for an interview. I go to the interview. She offers me the job. Yes, I say.

Thanks God, I got the message. Thank you. You are a great and awesome God.

The phone rings, the man calls. He wants an interview. After some consultation with spiritual gurus, I go to the interview. He wants another interview, meanwhile I am starting a new job come Monday.

GOD?!!!?!?!?!?!!

Top Ten for the weekend:

10. Rosa started walking (the dog I ran over).

9. Good steak Saturday night (gave Rosa the bone!).

8. Slept in until 10 Sunday morning.

7. Went SHOPPING. . .and didn't spend any money!

6. Spent time with good friends: Meg & boyfriend, Tommy and Destiny, Jody.

5. My friend has been delayed being commisioned into the Marines!

4. Watched all three Indiana Jones movies.

3. Played Settlers for the first time with friends (and won).

2. Spent good quality time with John.

1. Finished the book of Matthew. (Whew!)

My peace lily had a great day yesterday, today and tomorrow (prediction I know, but pretty sure). You'd thought God had smiled on her she is so happy-or tinkerbell had shaken pixie dust on her (she has great happy thoughts and honestly she looks like she could fly right about now.) I put her outside about a month ago, but I have had to water her everyday, sometimes twice a day, until now. The rain has made her leaves reach for the sky and dance. I can always tell when she's happy because she droops when she's sad or she perqs when she's happy. Normal perky is the leaves up, but right now they are so outstretched I am afraid she is going to come out of her pretty green pot John gave her.

Rain, rain here to stay. Come again another day.

It is a sad day today. My girlfriend's father died. He died on Monday, but the services were today. Her name is Jill. She has housed me when I needed shelter, clothed me when I was naked, fed me when I was hungary. She is the epitame of what I consider a Christian to be. Her father was apparently a great man as she is a woman. There were easily 350 people at the funeral today. It was held at the big First Baptist Church in Cleveland, where both the sanctuary floor pews and the balcony pews were filled. About half as many went to the enternment. The wake last night had so many people . . . Jill was really upset. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my father. I thought about calling him today, but there was already a fresh post on his blog so I know he is doing the things he loves to do. I guess her Dad wasn't doing the things he loved to do because he shot himself. The pastors kept talking about how close he was with God and his personal walk with Christ and how he loved his family and how he loved his life, but it . . .In his actions of his death, it speaks differently. My Dad has a tremendous walk with Christ and God has been ever present in his life, which he has passed on to me. My Dad loves his family. My Dad loves his life without a doubt. I think he loves his beach house most of all. Well, maybe he loves getting the perfect sound out of the girls. Or he might love baseball more. . . baseball card collecting, or pal-ling around with my Mom doing nothing and everything all at once, having dinner with all of the family, books about science, shows about science, music, music, and more music, I don't think I have to worry about my Dad in the same predictament as Jill's. I am really sad for Jill though. I can't imagine not having my Dad.

My girlfriend who has beaten me getting into law school, came for a visit this past weekend. She made me salivate for knowledge. I didn't know that was possible, but it happened. She began with classes and how you can have any arguement you want. She moved on to how there is only one exam a semester per class and that each exam is five hours long. Then she explained that there was one memo class where her final memo would be 26 pages. HOW COOL IS THAT?! She looked totally exhausted and happy and full of LAW.

I wanna go now. I wanna go right now. I wanna go to law school. I wanna go to school today. I wanna study law. I wanna be a lawyer. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna.

I watched the Star Wars trilogy last night. The old Star Wars. Unfortunately, it was new to me because graphically all kinds of things were altered and scenes were added and wierd. It made me realize why I watched them and listened to the music all my life. It is a great story. Some of the things that I didn't realize (probably because I have always seen it from a child's perspective instead an adult's) is that the Jedi's are the equivalents of priests and the Force is God and the whole thing is a religion of sorts. The idea is that only the chosen have the powers, but everyone believes and Luke and Anakin are the two whose spiritual journey the focus of the story is. Never could get that before now. Anyway, the Ewoks are still the coolest creature written out of all of them. It was strange that they were the only ones other than the humans who showed grief for loss during battle. Guess it is due to the whole clone thing. I still haven't seen the third new Star Wars. One of the scenes made by Leah and Luke was regarding their mother and I wonder if she dies in child birth or if Leah really does get to spend time with her prior to death or if it was one of the stand ins they use for her or what really happens. I also found it interesting that Jedi's are not supposed to love, yet the connection between father and son was one of love and one powerful enough to overcome the dark side of the force so why not love?

In other news, my apartment is CLEAN. Not oh, look I did my laundry or oh, look I vaccumed, rather it is so clean that you could eat off the floor. My art stuff is put away, my clothes are laundered, my closet is organized, my bookcase organized, my pictures dusted and adjusted, my kitchen table cleared, my dishes washed, my rug vaccumed, my dresser straightened, my hardwoods swept, my toilet and tub scrubbed, I MEAN CLEAN. I haven't had time in a while to do those things and needless to say there was a call for it like nothing ever called for except when I was sixteen and there was no floor insight because all my clothes covered the floor from my bathroom to the hallway. I still have my linen closet to work on and my dresser drawers to work on too. I could do a better job on two shelves in my closet too. It will get done though. probably by Saturday. Once I get going, I just don't stop.

I love this song: It Never Entered My Mind, performed by Miles Davis. It makes me want to be in my apartment reading with warm lighting, maybe a candle and someone making hot tea in the next room and perhaps reading somewhere close by and totally in love with each other.

There is nothing like the ride to Blairsville accompanied by the Cold Mountain soundtrack. This morning I drove to this little roadside grocery store called Sunshine Grocery. It is owned and operated by this lovely couple who are my age. They inherited it from his parents and have two children who come in and help in the afternoons. This afternoon's task for her little boy will be cleaning the blueberries out of the cooler from where they spilt and where the rest now in our cooler at Manna. I went to get organic blueberries (which are the best blueberries I have ever tasted....mmmmmmm) and bittersweet (for Gertie Mae's to sell). The drive doesn't really begin until the Horseback Mountain Ridge is in the rearview mirror. There is a store on the corner of 129 and 9 that is called Turner's Corner. It is the begining of a huge loop that occurs where the racers race and the bikers cruise. Something happens there at that corner. The trees cover the road like a canopy of greens, which during autumn(not that we are going to have one this year) is yellows and reds and oranges. It is breathtaking no matter what season it is, but I can understand why the bikers bike. But in the vanno it still had a nice effect with the windows down. The temperature immediately dropped. According to vanno, it went from 70 degrees to 64 degrees which was 69 degrees as I left and 75 degrees out of the same spot! Go trees, way to cool things off. The mountain which Sunshine Grocery sits on is Blood Mountain. For those of you who don't know, at Walasi Yi (place of the frogs) the Appalacian Trail starts which is just prior to the grocery. I am not sure the reasoning behind the name of the mountain, but I recognize that the curves in the road could totally live up to the tradition. There was probably some great battle or death of some kind to earn its name. There is no way to go over about 40 miles per hour unless you are a local and make that trek everyday. The vanno was not up to it and I think it topped out at 35 which was fine with me because the scenery is amazing, peaceful, beautiful and everything that God created.

Side notes to trip:

Originally, I was supposed to take my car, however, my car has a flat tire. Yes, it is the same tire I ran over John's dog with, who is recovering quite well and turns out that I am not the first to run over her this past week. Turns out that Albert, the farmer who owns the land, ran over Rosa too, only he didn't flip out like I did. So now my tire is flat and I drove the "blackvannomanna" as it is familiarly referred to amongst those who drive it. Needless to say I was relieved to drive to Blairsville, it was a getaway from the stress of my life. I recognize that none of side note is big potatoes (flat tires and dogs don't constitute big events in my life) and there are bigger potatoes out there. The only thing I thought about though whilst on my journey was that if I flip out over dogs and tires, what will happen to me when the big potatoes do show up and no wonder people are so severely effected when the big potatoes arrive because the small potatoes are aweful.

Back to story:

My trip was so relaxing and reviving that I was almost grateful coming into work. Just kidding, I was grateful coming into work! Then everything picked up speed and instead of listening to heartbreaking music and being surrounded by majesty, there were trasfer trucks and tons and tons of inventory to stock: organic blueberries, fresh made sweet rolls, fresh hearth baked bread that was still warm and much more. . . mmmm. . .the taste of gratitude!

So I went over to "talk" to John last night. He was the best boyfriend ever last night and I never courageously "talked" to him because I was so entranced. Then I woke up this morning, got ready for work and got into the car to drive back to Habersham and am on my cell phone talking to Baron York and there's this noise. This awful noise. I haven't gone anywhere but to pull forward and felt part of the ground that didn't feel like ground. I ran over John's dog. I RAN OVER JOHN's DOG.


She is 19 years old and suffers from arthritis and she has always moved away from the car in the past and I thought she had moved, I couldn't see and I could only hear her. I RAN OVER JOHN's DOG!!!! I am terrified and John comes running outside and calms me down, not really, but he sincerely tried and I don't know that he has ever seen me that upset. I don't know that I have been that upset in quite sometime. There was blood, and still is, all over my tire. She was howling like crazy and very upset with me. I was very upset with me because it was Rosa, my favorite cow dog who is 19 years old and has been kicked by more 1500 pound animals than I could ever imagine and I RAN OVER HER. The cows and mules couldn't kill her but. . . John took her to the vet. Because I rolled over her so slowly, her hip is displaced and she cracked a tooth. The vet set her hip and she is on heavy narcotics so she won't move and the tooth has stopped bleeding and was totally pulled. So she's okay, meanwhile I RAN OVER MY BOYFRIEND's DOG.

you are like a holy wine/so bitter and so sweet/oh I could drink a case of you.....

My best girlfriend is Megan. Have I ever mentioned that before? There is a reason for it. I was listening to this music and I wanted to drive to Megan. I was in Macon this weekend and all I could think is that I wasn't hanging out with Megan. Isn't that crazy? Usually we hang out on Saturday nights. Then to make matters worse she broke up or was dumped by her boyfriend by the time I got back. It made me want to kick him for being stupid. Not that I won't kick him for being stupid still, I just haven't run into him yet. She and I are so not alike it makes me laugh. She is fierce and bold and a mighty force. Me I am perky and serious and in need of a double mocha with a shot of cherry flavor at this moment. Too bad it is seven or we'd both be on our way to the coffee shop. We do both like coffee, although she drinks chai more than coffee, sometimes tea. Now she says He has issues, I don't like him, but I need coffee so who am I to know the truth? I don't think I would mind living with her if I didn't kill her when I lived with her because we have tried that and tore the walls out of the house. We have tried working together too and whoops. At least we are great friends. Great friends. She is the person I call in the middle of the night and the person who lets me cry and whine about my boyfriend. She is the one who lets me clean when I need to clean and tells me to call Michelle when I need to call Michelle. She is someone who I can't live with and can't live without. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it is what it isssssss......

"Hats off gentlemen, a genius."

This is what Shumann (spelling) said after hearing Chopin play his own work for the first time. Shumann was an exact contemporary of Chopin, both being born in 1810. While all this is standard in my Mom and Dad's heads, I am no longer a practicing musician and have forgotten much while I have been non-practicing. I use the term "practice" on purpose. I have not practiced my violin or my piano in over a year. When I go to my parents home I generally tinker on their piano, but not practice. I used to drive them nuts not practicing. There were some of my finest fits pitched over not wanting to practice. My discipline is still that atrocious. Last night I attended a performance by Dr. Joe Chapman playing an evening of Chopin at Piedmont College, which is the local private college in Demorest. Anyone who knows where Demorest is knows that it is not even big enough to claim a stop light, only a flashing light that lets the college students and professors cross from the parking lot to the main campus. Who would know that Chopin would be played in such a small place with such expertise. The only notes regarding Dr. Chapman were that he gives recitals all over the state and teaches at North Georgia College and State University. He was fabulous. His tecnique was amazing. I watched as the sweat dripped from his brow while he pounded away at Polanaise in A Major, Op 40, No1; as he breathed the saddness of the Nocturne in E Minor, Op 72, No.1; and rounded out with the Andante Spinato and Grande Polonaise Brillante, Op2. My girlfriend Debbie found out that he was playing last night and the concert was free. Who would guess? I was so grateful to be able to go to a concert dressed in heels and hose with makeup and good company. We had dinner afterward and reveled in the sounds of the piano and how wonderful it was. I was so excited I called my brother because this is the type of thing he does all the time and now I am doing it too. What a great night. I wish I could convey how enjoyable an evening it was.

Today at Manna, where I am working (gourmet food store. . . togo!), I am playing the Practical Magic soundtrack and there is a song that goes along with the sisters traveling to see each other. It makes me think of the only person who I know as a sister. She is in Vermont right now with her man who she is planning a wedding. Lea Anne and I grew up together and had similar struggles but completely different parents and different lives. She grew up and became a hippie and I am a wannabe. She is in Vermont or now that I think about it she might be in New Hampshire. She is fond of cold places so who knows. She was in New Mexico and Colorado and Ohio before that. I haven't seen her in a couple of years, but I know that she is only a phone call away. She is one of those people who pass in and out of my life but who are always close to me. It doesn't make any difference where we left it, we will pick it up. We used to fight when we were little. Mom and Dad didn't like sending me to her house to spend the night because we would fight the whole time. Strangely we wouldn't want to do anything except spend the night every time we had a chance. We used to stay up until 4 am. That was the thing. I would come home exhausted and be ugly to my family and Dad would swear that I was never going to spend the night out again, and then the next weekend would come along. I can remember hiding in the women's bathroom under the vanity at First Baptist until our parents would let us spend the afternoon together. Turned out that we did spend the afternoon together, but just not at each other's homes. Our parents were in rehearsal and I don't know that they even noticed. That was one of the perqs of being the minister's kid: freedom. She and I would go on a mission trip or weekend together with the youth group at Smoke Rise. We would sign up to room together and all kinds of stuff, by the time we had gotten there, we would swap rooms and be off. We would call each other the Sunday afternoon we got back and talk for hours and left our parents scratching there heads because they swore that we had just spent the whole weekend together, but the reality was that we would get there and split up to separate ways and never see each other. Thus the three hour report on the phone when we returned. She went everywhere with me and always had a different story than I did. I miss her. She is my sister. Maybe it is time for that trip that I so desperately want to take up east coast. Mom and Dad get to do that during their summers, maybe I will soon too.

I just love New York in the fall. If I knew who you were, although this not knowing has its perqs, I would buy you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils.

There are certain smells that have come with my life. There is the smell of Ridgecrest and Camp Crestridge on a summer morning. There is the stale chlorine of my hair after swim practice in the middle of the winter, which is different from the summer cholrine that bleaches my skin, hair and eyelashes. My Mom going on a date with my Dad and the way her Chanel No 5 or Obsession is subtle in my senses.

This morning, autumn snuck into my home. I left the window open because the evening was so nice. There was a coolness which I don't notice until my barefeet hit the hardwood floor and for a shocking moment I think I am getting ready for my highschool day, yet I hear nothing in the background that sounds of Avondale or family and I awake to my apartment in Clarkesville. I quickly hit my knees to say my morning prayers, where I can smell the mountains as I talk to God. I went to make my coffee, I could see out that same window over the top of Clarkesville where a small fog burning off by the morning sunshine. I know it is the first of several. Fall likes fogs that are like the mountains lifting their heavy eye lids in the mornings. My coffee brewing and my recognition that it is a God type morning. I read my meditation and wait patiently as the rest of me catches up to the fact that I am out of bed and moving. I realized that I didn't have to be at work as early as normal and am much happier with the smell of fresh coffee. I watched an episode of the West Wing and ate popcorn while drinking my coffee that had hot chocolate instead of sugar because I was out. It was a righteous morning. By the time I left for work, I was in a pair of jeans and had one of my light/heavy tops that are all about fall. I could still smell the autumn air, but it was obvious by the heat that the morning had almost given way to the left over summer. I love this time of year.

per Mom's request:

They Are Just Swimming

They are just swimming,

stroking perfectly in rhythm

like the beating of a steel drum.

Melodies spill through my mind.

A whistle blows, the rhythm changes,

like the beatin of a heart.

Thump-thump

Thump-thump

The butterfly is the most beautiful creature,

with a wingspan of 50 feet,

streaks, spots, black, red, yellow,

beautiful, I wish.

The bodies hoist themselves out of the pool,

walking forward. Will they notice

my body not sleek, finished, toned?

Diet? Healthkick?

Tofu--looks like styrofoam shredded

Rice cakes--styrofoam packed

No, just apples, oranges, fruit

like me, a fruitcake

loaded with sugar, multi-colored,

fake,

fruit

--the kind only Aunt Eunice

can find.

To the weightroom I follow.

Why call this a dry practice?

Dripping with sweat like the rain

pouring from me an empty sky,

Clear, Blue, so empty you can

see the ozone being made,

clearer than the water from a fresh

water spring.

Yet,

it rains bullfrogs.

Ribit.

Muscles ache with the pain not even

a mother in labore has ever

experienced.

Experience, I know nothing,

not even how to talk.

Kissing? Non-existent, wouldn't know

if it happened.

Do they know? Please say no.

Just smile and bare the perspiration

Look at all of them,

talking of Alice in Chains.

They don't know--me.

"Work," Coach screams like the

screaming of the tortured in

the castle of mid-evil times.

Oh, to be a princess with a crown

and innocence to be admired,

people granting your every wish.

Who would need

Love?

Why Love? Because without, love

there is no life

and

without life there is nothing.

Does that mean if there's something there?

Could it be life?

Love?

My footsteps to the shower echo loudly

like they could start an

avalanche. Then the snow would

be

pouring

down the sides of a mountain.

I would be

Crushed---in a shower stall at

the natatorium.

------Rachel Green '94

1rst Place, 12th

Trident Poetry Awards

I have taken a suggestion from my artiste friend Megan, okay, my best friend who happens to be an artist, and am in process of painting a poem.

In my junior year of highschool, I was reluctant to read Huckleberry Finn. I have yet to read it and I do believe it was on my freshman list in college. Needless to say, I came up with a big fat zero on a quiz in Ms. Mosley's advanced, junior, english course. In the household which I was raised and the leader of the household being a straight A doctoral student, zero's were frowned upon. Being selfish in nature though, I was slightly less worried about my Dad's opinion, rather, I was more concerned about exempting the exam because if I could get out of a test, I would get out of a test. Ms. Mosley said that the only way I could make up the zero was to write a two page poem. A TWO PAGE POEM? Like I could write a full one page poem! Inspired by the unsightly zero on my record which I was desperate to replace, I set out to surprise my teacher and earn a 100 to appease the home front AND get out of an exam. So I waited... and then I waited... I waited some more... then the last minute kicked in and the end of the quarter was coming around. Somehow I ended up picking up my cousins from Dynamo and can't remember if I was just happened to be hanging out with my Aunt Sue or what, but somehow I was waiting on my cousins, Kelley & Jenny. I sat waiting and wrote a poem in the same style that I was studying in Ms. Mosley's class. She was having us read William Faulkner's The Sound and The Fury, which she wasn't sure if a junior class could handle or not and I LOVE that novel. To this day, I love that novel. William Faulkner writes in a style called stream of conscienceness (I hate spelling that word), or so Ms. Mosley taught us. Somehow in the moments of waiting in the natatorium I wrote two pages of poem. I turned it in and recieved my 100. I ended up taking the exam anyway to increase my grade to an A instead of a B. I studied at Marnie's house and spent the night with her granddaughter who was my best friend, Emily. Little did I know how much Ms. Mosely thought of my two page poem.

The following year the literary magazine awards were given out. Over the intercom in my AP calculus class in second period, the announcements were made and Mrs. Elrod, the literary magazine advisor announced my name as the senior poetry winner, first place. The way my school went though, Rebekah and I were always confused. I knew that I hadn't entered anything for the magazine and Rebekah knew that she had, so to collect the $25 prize money we both went to clear things up. It was my two page poem. Ms. Mosely entered it for me. I don't know that I even have the original draft. I read it before a group of winners that year at a literary tea. The most interesting thing about the way I won is that no one in the school was a judge. It was an outside english professor from one of the colleges. Who would guess that I could write a poem?

Megan read that poem and told me I needed to paint it. Have I ever mentioned that I paint? Well I do, but only for me not for you. It is a soup nazi style painting philosophy that I have. Anyway, I began to paint this poem. I cried. I cried some more and then I didn't paint. I didn't paint. I cried. Then I did paint. I realized that the poem while being that stream of conscienceness, it was my conscienceness. It was me. Who would know that a poem I wrote when I was 16 would be who I am today at 29? It is insecurities. It is inabilities. It is the essence of who I am and the way I think and feel. Now it is trunkated and painted all over my apartment. Now my apartment is a little more of me. And now, if or when you ever come to my home, know that I am open and vunerable whether you know it or not. I guess when they talk about finding out "who you are," this is what they are talking about.