Oh bother. Oh angst.

Some days are just bad days for me. I have been told that I have a disease of perception and when I am the only one talking and listening, I have a very warped perception. I know this doesn't make any sense to anyone except those who understand. Yesterday was just the peek of perfection when it comes to my perception being influenced by things like arrogance, ego, emotional hostage taking, ominiscience, selfishness and self centeredness. When these things come into play in my life, I become a basket case. When I was a little girl and I would spin around in circles in the big room next to the gym where you get your skates at FBC of Decatur, I would spin to a point where I was so dizzy I couldn't think. The other wierd thing I would do when I would get angry and crying and fitful would be toss my head back and forth on a pillow until I couldn't hear or think (I probably looked like an exorcist child!). Well, that is how I felt yesterday. I felt full of angst to a point where I just wanted to run away or just, for a moment, stop thinking. It was all I could do to go to work and go see my friend and confidant to tell me what was wrong with me. My brother wrote his blog a couple of days ago about confiding in a friend who helped him identify the problem. That is what I went to do, because otherwise I probably would have exploded like the phoenix in Harry Potter. Of course whenever there is a problem there is always a solution. Just like the phoenix when there is explosion and death in fire, there is rebirth in the ashes and rubble. The solution is cake once the problem is identified. Strangely enough, the solution always seems to be the same. So this morning when I rolled out of bed and hit the alarm, I also hit my knees and asked for God to remove these defects of character. I asked him to let me hear what I am supposed to hear, see what I am supposed to see and feel what I am supposed to feel. God will know what to do. Sometimes I just have to be told that I don't have to act like a pompous, indignant ass if I don't want to, in order to stop acting like one. Sometimes I wish I could have angst the way Pooh does, where it is not an ordeal, but an adventure, but I am not there yet. Things are still ordeals. All in all, I understand that it is okay to have a bad day. It is also okay not to be perfect. God has a plan for me and I have no clue as to what that is. I am glad that today, I do not feel that same abrasiveness that was in my blood yesterday. Mostly, today I feel tired and sad. By this afternoon, I am sure I will be restored to my usual cheerful self and I am looking forward to it. I have a date with a good girlfriend of mine who has just recently been engaged (last week the question was popped) and we are going to chirp about the engagement. I am grateful for her friendship and love. She is a super cool woman. I am also grateful for the woman who came to my aide yesterday and helped me identify the problem with compasion and understanding like only she can give, because today there is an active solution and I am grateful to be a part of it.