Honesty can sometimes be not such an easy thing for me. Actually, rigorous honesty is down right painful for me. I would rather people think badly of me than tell the truth...sometimes.

We are an undiscplined lot. Only God will discipline us.

Rather than have God discipline us (because last time he sent me a messenger that made me want to be her), this time I got really honest. I got honest with myself. And then, I got honest with someone else.

What was so painful to get honest about? Going and seeing those women who only know me as a mean, nasty drunk. Calling them on the phone and asking them to come to the reunion when everything I remember about myself would not entice anyone to come to a reunion. I was unkind, illmannered and down right mean to women who had either relationship or no relationship with me. If they came through my path, I was aggrivated at either being drunk, not being drunk or wanting to be drunk and not being able to get that way fast enough and as a result, whoever the poor soul that ran into me, got it in the neck.

I remember one time that someone cut up one of my favorite t-shirts and posted scraps of it on my door during my sophomore year. I still don't know who did it or why. I felt victimized and outcasted. I was in tears and terrified that someone was going to eat me. The reality is that I probably did something that warranted a scare. I probably ate someone else.

This is the type of thing I remember. When I volunteered to help with the reunion I would never predict that they would ask me to call women who may not think well of me. Specifically two women who I owe a direct amends. Specifically someone I ate.

I stole a date. And then I blasted the gal whose date I stole, and I blasted her girlfriend who was there to hold her hand. I remember it pretty clearly. I couldn't imagine calling them and saying "Remember me? Won't you come back to see me again?" No way. The longer I mulled it over, the worse the fear got.

Am I willing to make the direct amends? Yes, I am, just not while I am soliciting for my class. It isn't really the right time.

So how did I get honest? I had to tell the head of the committee the truth. Does she know the details of my crimes, no. I told her how afraid I was of calling the list of women and that I owed amends to at least two of them, which I didn't think would be appropriate for me to call. She being the kind woman she has always been, said no problem and that she would take care of it. When I got her reply, I cried.

How did I ever do those things I did? Why would I steal another girl's date at a formal? What on earth was I thinking? I was a horrible, rotten person. I don't remember being raised to be a horrible, rotten person. How did I get to be a horrible, rotten person? I had no God. The only god I understood was one that would destroy me.

But, these women don't know that I have a God today that is all loving, all knowing and all powerful. They don't know that never in my life would I ever consider stealing anything not to mention a date. I would have done what I saw other women doing like going and dancing with friends and then going home to bed. Normal people...

I am really afraid to go back and meet this group of women. Why are reunions so...whatever. Why is it that people return to see others when they were horrible people? Aren't we supposed to remeniscence about good things? I mean, I don't remember good things...well yes I do. But what if they don't?

It doesn't always feel so great when you get honest.

The cabinets are well on their way to being hydrangea blue...

This is the first set, tomorrow the bottom set and then the hand painting will be added.

Woohoo. I found something I like.

Thoughts:

I have started listening to a local radio station that carries a show called Knee Deep in Blue Grass. I have always liked the sounds of a quartet and a banjo. There is something familiar about the music that I can't put my finger on.

I actually used MySpace today to look at some people. I have so many friends that are slightly out of touch. I miss them and wonder about them, but I am not worried about them. It is a new thing. I have old friends too who I couldn't do without in my life right now. Then there are the new folk, who I always guess what category they will fall into: those who stay or those who go. There is no way to know until it happens.

After having a completely detached day, I had every emotion one can have in three hours. It was impressive the very next day. Michelle calls it dealing and feeling. She says that at some point I will do both, and then it gets wierd.

Tonight is my night. I am not going out under any circumstances. I am going to movie watch, clean my house and make some dinner. I have been out the past two nights and I feel abit overwhelmed. Maybe I will work on my cabinets a bit too.

School got easier this week for no apparent reasons outside of no exams.

I am feeling nostalgic today....

You've got your ball,
You've got your chain,
Tied to me tight tie to me up again,
Whose got their claws in you my friend,
Into your heart, heart beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul,
Sweet you rock,
Sweet you roll,
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me, yeah....baby

This weekend was perfectly lovely. No thinking, no doing, no nothing. Just like I like it after a mind meld of a week. It was me and my hubby doin nothin. At one point I went outside to the cow park to see what exactly that man of mine might be up to and I found him driving his truck around aimlessly among the cows. When I asked him what on earth he was doin, he said goofin off. Nothin. He was doin nothin.

My head was cold mush by the time it was all said and done. Today at school I was completely in detach mode. I was doing what it is you do when you go to school, but I wasn't really there. It was odd. I had people come and sit with me in between classes who I know and are in class with me, but they don't sit with me. But today, they sat with me. And called me darlin. Gotta love those military men. I didn't have the heart to tell them I had step children older than them. Hell, I've got step children older than me. But what the hay, when is the last time a young man thought me young enough to be so general with me? See, I am totally disconnected. In any other day other than today, I would have made him feel about the size of a pea.

Thank goodness that my morning meditation was on acceptance of self. The concept that we are right where we are supposed to be. So today my disconnectedness is all part of the grand plan. I am me. After long periods of emotionally taxing days sequentially, I disconnect. That is not such a bad thing. I think it is a coping mechanizm. It makes me feel like I am swimming.

Oh no,no,no...see the wave come crash into me...crash into me.

I am so done with midterms. I am in unavailable for thought mode. I have read every blog known to man, planned out how many movies I can squeeze into tomorrow, bought a starbucks for the first time in two weeks and am totally not into work, working out or anything relative to homework.

My friend Vicki is doing a girly movie weekend and while that sounds awesome, my hubby will never go for that one. Saroy is doing some kind of race across Texas, which I don't know that I am too into that. Carter is doing something, but there is no way to know because he won't blog. Mom and Dad? Hmm...I am guessing there is a trip to the d-o-g p-a-r-k planned, thankfully, I live in the middle of a dog park or rather, cow park, so no trip for me. What to do...

I think this weekend will be about not thinking for me. Maybe I will nod in and out of Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea while doing laundry, petting the best dogs in the world and loving on my hubby. I am sure he will be on a motocycle or hanging out with friends. I so want to be on spring break right now, but am so not. Although, maybe I can get JSK to switch out the mattresses for better sleeping enjoyment before I totally crash. Not thinking, that sounds sooo good.

I am actually going to do something on Sunday...become a Daughter of the King. I am actually already a DOK, but I will be admitted into the service officially and recieve my cross which is our habit. I am what I always wanted to be: a Baptist Nun. Strange, but true. My friend Katherine Oliver and I came up with whole scenario about that. But that's for a thinking blog not a non-thinking blog. I will also teach SS on sunday. That doesn't require thought though. Thank goodness...

MIDTERMS MIDTERMS MIDTERMS MIDTERMS....

Do you know the difference between marketing positioning and product positioning? What about five ratios to help describe a corporation? Perhaps it would be easier for you to discuss the inverse relationship of assets on the operating section of a cash flow statement? Oh, I know, I'll make it easier, just give me the x-intercepts of f(x)=x2+2x+1.

I had three midterms last week and three midterms this week and NO spring break next week...don't know who screwed that one up, but they did. I did Algebra, Microsoft Access, and Microsoft Excel last week. (Yeah those three were not all that imposing.) Then this week, I had marketing on Tuesday, accounting on Wednesday and Finance on Thursday. Now granted, these three are intro courses, but they were so painful!!!! I made an A on the mktg. I think I made an A on the Accting and today...I don't know. It was a standard blue book exam with three essay and three word problems with a bonus. I really want an A on it. I made a B on the first exam, so an A would be nice. But I don't know how I did because I think my brain is leaking out of my ear. It makes it complicated to think, remember, complete sentences.

I am so looking forward to not studying tonight even though I have a quiz in Algebra tomorrow (taking the standard quadratic equation and completing the square in order to get the standard shifted form to analyze the parabola). I am going to make dinner for my husband, go hang out with good friends who do not give me grades and wallow in good healthy exercise for my body which I have ignored in order to study this week.

Whew, I made it. This moment finally passed.

Notes:

*Why is my priest the best priest? Because she used "Groundhog Day" in her sermon.

*Must see: http://www.indianajones.com/site/index.html

*Got a new pair of jeans at the MACY'S president's day sale, dropped a whole size! Woohoo! So John bought me a new workout outfit too! (And beautiful gold earrings)

*Megan has the flu--like went to a doctor and tested positive for the flu, flu. And exposed me to it last night before she went to the doctor. Erg...

*Survived another Valentine's day at Gertie Mae's flower shop in Clarkesville. By the time I'd gotten there for my shift, the floor looked like the swedish chef of flowers had been there. There were flowers on the floor, in buckets, in vases, in tissue, in boxes for sale and not for sale. There were flowers for sale, delivery and pickup. There were customers and workers and designers and drivers and whew...it takes a village to raise a child, well then it takes a city to run a flower shop on Valentines Day. Although, there is no place better to be on a day of love than in the midst of beautiful flowers: roses, astrolameria, wax flower, greenery, gerber daisies, sunflowers, more roses, mmm...can't remember what the yellow flower is called, want to call it saledago, but know that is an herb. The day was awesome. Flowers, flowers, everywhere.

*Saw Jumper with Debbie on Friday night. Pretty good. Went in not knowing what it was about, came out not minding I spent 6.50+popcorn on it.

*Am trying to be in bed by ten every night...wonder if this will ever happen.

My church: Happy Lent

Today our associate pastor kicked off the season of Lent. I don't usually pay much attention when he preaches because I feel like he looks down on us as a congregation sometimes in his messages. I like Dena better. But today, he made some good points. Of course the Gospel reading for today was about the temptation of Christ. Initially he pointed out the things we give up for Lent and that Sundays don't count in Lent (which who knew that?). Then he reached into the scripture for something more. I am all about more.

He mentioned that the hebrew translation for the word Satan is advisary. I didn't know that. It makes more sense. I don't like the concept of Satan: a fallen angel with a resentment collecting souls for hell. It is not inspiring. Mostly that fallen angel concept seems as though all I need is a good proton phaser in a video game to get rid of him. But an advisary, I have those. I have met those people, places and things. I understand the advisary concept. Someone who challenges me.

Don went on to point out that the temptation of Christ was not for what He gave up in the forty days in the desert, rather the temptation was to be who He was not. This advisary was challenging Christ's inner most self and tempting Him to renounce those beliefs. Now that is a concept of hell that I can get into. I know all about that kinda temptation. I know all about that kinda hell. I have been there. And I am Not going back.

When I went off to college, my temptation was waiting for me. It had already let me know that it was there. It was a cunning, patient thing. Some people I knew from church and school had given into it already. They had stories of pleasure and glory. This made the temptation even more alluring. My parents raised me to live without fear, rather in faith. They raised me in the faith that Christ of virgin birth, was resurrected from death as a sacrifice for the sin that separated me as a human from God, our Father. They raised me in a house without temptations. I'll never forget that opportunity to give in to my temptation finally. It was all consuming. It was all knowing. It asked me to renouce my beliefs and I said yes.

As a result it destroyed me. I met a fate of pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. And yet, I am not that person today. At a point of great pain, I surrendered. I confessed my sins, made my restitutions with people. And finally, I made my restitutions with God. Today, like every day, I ask for God's forgiveness. I try to do His will to the best of my ability. I don't usually know what that is. I do know today that His will for me is not to drink. His will for me is to be His beautiful worthy child. Instead of renoucing my beliefs today, I carry his message to the mountains, the desserts and where-ever else He may send me.

In my Sunday School class today we studied the second chapter of Matthew. I asked my class why King Herod killed all those children? Because he had no faith they learned. They recognized that Josef and Mary had faith. They saw the magi followed God's will. They started to write a paragraph about their own fear and faith. They all had a story they wanted to tell me (all at one time) about their fear and faith. One has scoliosis and might have an operation. One's older brother cut his toe off with a lawn mower. They are amazing kids. When they get it, they really get it. When I was trying to think of my story of fear and faith, all I could think was that it would take more than a paragraph.

Today I have the faith to face the temptations in my life. I don't have to renouce my beliefs today. I know who I am. I know that I am a Christian. I know that I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't meddle in other people's affairs. I eat healthy. I get it. I like it when my pastor gives more because I get more.

I am a mastermind.

I am an artist.

I am mad with housework!

I didn't get started on these cabinets until after lunch. I ended up being on the phone with my long lost girlfriend, Meg. Actually she is not long or lost, but we like talking on the phone (for two hours at a time), so people might think this to be true. She is a cabinet painting guru. As in she does it for a living. She is all about the colors and messy-ness. She was so excited I was painting my cabinets.

As you can see, these cabinets were built about fifty years or so ago. They are super-size cabinets. One of my cabinets is the size of two that are built today. Needless to say, the icky yellow color is painful. This is the color I have been eating over since I moved into the farm.

This ----->>>>>>>>photo is half way through the process. I had to lay a base coat of high gloss white in order to get the effect I was going for.

TADA!

It's a miracle. I have painted cabinets. You can call me Martha Stewart if you want to!

I still don't know if I like them yet. I stopped at three just to make sure this is the look I want. I still have bit of touch up work to do, but I wasn't willing to do it if I didn't like it. I think I will sleep on it. I was thinking that maybe they would be lighter than they are. But I may have mixed the glaze too heavy. I think adding some white or glaze will tone down the shock of the color. I don't know which though, so I will consult the experts.

I am taking on yet another household project here at the old farm. I have straightened and cleaned the sun room. I laid out a rug that John's mom gave us over six months ago. It has cat hair on it and will have to be repeatedly vaccuumed before it can really be used. I am not sure how to go about cleaning it other than vacuuming it because it is some kind of fancy thing, although it couldn't be that fancy after all, she did hand it down. It is a lovely blue and it covers most of the room which is good insulation as the only thing separating the ground from the room is some boards and a pitiful amount of carpet with no pad or foundation or anything other than cold air that you can feel through the pitiful carpet. So the rug will put another layer between us and the outside world. I am not sure what all will go out there other than my books for now. I would like for it to be a nice sitting room, but as of yet it has no power and no heat. So that will make the project long.

I am also working on the opposite side of the house on the cabinets. They were built in the fifties. If I could describe the color it would be nicotine yellow. Bleh. I have been given some good suggestions on what to do with them. I am going to paint some boards first to see what I like best before just painting and having to redo my work. I am looking at an olive green with a glaze. I am looking at a "mountain air" blue. I am looking at a high white gloss with a hydrangea blue glaze. I don't know what I like best yet. I still have to clean and scratch/sand them. The sanding is to give the new paint something to stick to and to eliminate residue the cleaning did not get up. You'd think you could just sand them, but ah, not the case according to experts. I call them experts because they have done this for a living.

Hopefully once the cabinets are done I can move onto the walls. That is a much more in-depth project than I am willing to do while I am in school. Maybe that will be a good spring break project. The kids at school are already talking about trips to Destin, going home to work for a week or going skiing in whereever. Must be nice to have money to travel. I will just stay home and keep working on me. That way I can get to a place where I can travel too one day.

Turns out that you don't have to give something up for Lent. Sometimes you can just give something for Lent (thank you Sherry for the clarification). So this Lent season I am not giving up anything, I am going to give myself a home. I have been working slowly but surely on it for a while. The back room is now officially a clean, well organized closet. The kitchen is a place where we can move and eat and live. It is cleaned and organized. It is more oriented for just me and John and if we like a set of guests. John redid the bathroom. It is so much nicer than when I first moved in. It has matching fixtures, a stainglass window and has been repainted. He also added a pretty medicine cabinet mirror instead of the old, rusted mirror where the frame of it was screwed into the wall. I will be glad when we have the sunroom at our disposal too. Then we will have three rooms available to us instead of two, a closet and a bathroom. The mudroom is the last option I have to adjust. It will take several men to fix. We have a six foot freezer in there with NOTHING IN IT. It is just plugged in, sucking up electricity. I would like to ditch it and put in an antique bakers table that we have. I would not bake with it, but I would store laundry stuff in it and it would give me a place to fold clothes. It would free up some space to put in a pretty antique bench so as to sit and take your muddy shoes off too. It is also one of those rooms that is like our computer room when I was growing up. It has a purpose for the use of a computer, but if you are ever looking to just stick something somewhere, it is a great room for that too. I would rather the mudroom live up to its name. Ahh....life at the farm.

This I give to myself: building a home I can call ours instead of his. More than anything, building a home instead of just some place to lay down. I guess if I am going to be here, in this shack in the valley of the mountains, in the middle of the pasture, I should make it a place that would be honoring and cherishing of not just myself but a place for God.

Who would ever know that in the game of MASH, I would end up with the greatest man ever, four cars, a motorcycle, a shack, potential children later on, and a job as a student? Ah, such is life.

Have you ever been in the middle of a spiritual experience, one of an education variety as opposed to a sudden revelation?

That is where I am right now. I can't seem to balance. It is not as though there is much to balance in the first place, but trying to get food in the mix makes me feel cloudy, fuzzy, like I can't stand up straight.

My brother asked me if I was going to give up anything for Lent. I laughed out loud. Give up for LENT?! You mean giving up alcohol wasn't enough? How about smoking? Meddling in other people's affairs? OH! I know I'll give up sugar and white flour, our bodies weren't meant to process that anyway. Oh, right, I have already given all that up! So what is it that you want me to give to God to enrich my experience with Him, or bring me closer to Him for only 40 days as opposed to say, the rest of my life?

Who was is that started this trend of forty days and forty nights of abstinence? Oh yeah. That Guy. I wonder if that Guy gave up alcohol, smoking, meddling, sugar and white flour just to get closer to God our Father. Some say He gave up sex, although I have never seen scripture about His celibacy. Some say that there is a human lineage, although I haven't seen any scripture that says that either. So we know know one thing is for sure, we don't have any idea if He gave up sex or not. 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, what was He thinking? Was He lost? It wasn't until he was worn out that He was tested. Faith fights temptation. And then He starts preaching. So why do we give up something for Lent?

You know, I find that food or drink or smoke is not really what blocks me from a relationship with God. That is just the stuph I hide away in, not the stuph that blocks me from His Spirit. The stuph that hinders me in a real walk with Him are things like: judgement of others, irrational jealousy, not taking care of me, dishonesty with myself and others, fear of loss, believing that I am unworthy. These things crush me. For some reason I do not naturally respond with "Hey Rae, you are a Beautiful Child of God." It just doesn't come up in conversation with me, myself or I. Inevitably, when my head says, "Wait! Don't leave me!" I am separated from God--instantaneously. Thunderstruck, as AC/DC would say.

I don't know that 40 days would do it for me. For only 40 days, I would be close to God? Is that all I get? I want to be close to God everyday. So shouldn't I give up something everyday to be closer to God? If I truly want to have a daily walk, shouldn't I do things daily?

I learn so much about my faith when I am growing spiritually.

Juliet says hey Romeo, you nearly gave me a heartattack.

• I can see the big dipper and Orion from the front yard.
• I have a marketing test on Tuesday that I am and am not nervous about taking.
• Megan is going to church and reading the book of Matthew.
• Mikey, the pup, is teaching Baby, the mama, that it is okay to be a loving thing.
• John has the sickness.
• I am still doing no white flour and no sugar. I am also up to three-five times a week cardio at 45 min, and two strength trainings: legs & hips, and shoulders, back, bi's and tri's. Next week will add in abs.
• My kids remembered to bring their Bibles to Sunday School.
• Am writing an article on DV for a local paper.

You and me babe, how bout it?

Success, or at least it feels like success. I am starting my fourth week (the 26th will be one month) of the diet. No sugar, no white flour. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know? And now Mom says that I will have to give up caffeine soon. Well preferably now, but I am a little overwhelmed with things I am giving up right now. Maybe later. It's not killing me yet. Typically I give things up when they are killing me. Sugar is not killing me either now that I think about it, but it sure was doing a number on my self esteem.

Today I was able to do 45 mins of cardio and "strength" training. The strength training is a three times a week thing focusing on different muscle groups each time. Today was legs. I did lunges with three pound weights twice (I was supposed to do it three reps, but I was afraid I was going to fall over by the end of the second one so I moved on to the next exercise). I did calf raises with three pound weights. I did hip adductions and abductions at 55 lbs. I did the leg press at four plates (the numbers were worn off so I don't know the weight). And finally I stretched. All of this took about an hour and fifteen minutes. Not bad. I came out feeling buzzy. If you ever had a buzz from a beer, you know what I am talking about. If you haven't...yeah, I don't know: sucks to be you? The nice thing about the buzzy was that it was from doing something good for me instead of something bad for me.

I also was able to eat correctly all day. I have also had the ketosis process start in which means that my body is processing the fat to make sugar instead of using outside sugars and storing excess sugars aka fat cells. It does weird things to my body like random muscle cramps in the legs or making my urine smell funny. The nice thing is that it means that I am getting smaller on a healthy rate. I haven't gotten back on the scales this week because I was too overwhelmed by the scale process last week. I have decided that I will do the footwork for healthy living process if God will handle the worrying about the weight. It leaves the mental consternation in the hub of prayer and eliminates daily mental activity that was cumbersome.

I have always found that exercising was a chore. My head told me it was hard so I wouldn't do it for long. The reality is for me to be at a healthy weight for my height and being the age that I am, there is no way for me not to exercise to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I wish there was and outside of heroin or the diet coke/cigarette method, there seems to be no other choice. I found a positive affirmation in my Shape magazine that has helped tremendously for my thinking: Working out is a way of honoring my body and my health. Since honoring the self is a way to honor God, it means something to me to honor my body and my health. I liked it and it changed my perspective on working out. Honoring God in all my affairs is a hard practice for life. I am slowly but surely being able to apply the God discipline in my life one affair at a time.

I am totally vegged out. I am ready to go back to school. I have to admit. I have been a slacker at the beginning of this school term. I really minded that I didn't get my books, but I really didn't mind that I didn't get my books if that makes any sense. I wasn't done with my winter break. I didn't know that of course until the wonderful three day weekend.

My hubby was at camp this weekend so I got the farm all to myself. Friday I went to school and then Grace's game which was awesome. They beat their rival team and Gracie score eight points. This was an important eight points as they only won by seven! It was a good game. I was sitting in the screaming parent section. I felt really bad for the refs. Although, I did see some of the calls that were obvious that they missed, but I didn't feel obligated to yell at them. After the game I had some Donnelly family time by hanging out at their house talkin' politics (Craig is GOP and Sherry is DNC...fun fun!) and drinkin coffee.

Then it was home to the MOVIE MARATHON. Yeah, my movie marathons make Carter's marathons look like duck soup. I also worked on my wedding scrapbook. I am spicing it up a bit to look more like a SCRAPbook as opposed to some pictures with pretty paper. It amazes me how much work an advertiser or magazine editor has to do in order to get page layout to work: placing opposing pages on similar color themes, having an overall flow to the book as a whole. My little book has taken a total new shape now that I have put some elbow grease into it. Although, I have run out of blue, light blue and yellow construction paper. Thusly the scrapping has come to a halt. I was busy all day Saturday and Sunday with the movies and the book. I didn't have church on Sunday due to fear of ice, which ended up just remnants of snow on the ground. It was excuse enough for me to skip church and watch more movies though. I know, I am a sinner and going to.... heaven anyway!

John was back from camp today which made me superduper happy. And now that my mind is totally numb from movies and fun, I am ready to go back to school. Luckily, I did organize for school. That was a good thing. I also did a chapter in my mktg class that seems easy, but something tells me the exams are going to be painful. Whew, I sure am grateful for MLK, Jr. today, how bout you? Thank you MLK for the day off for which I observed in peace and quiet of my own home.

I love Friday Night Lights. My brother thinks it is a stupid movie because the team loses, but the emotion in it still astounds me.

The movie is about integrity and intensity. Not many people can do both. Many times the intensity overwhelms the integrity. This is about 17 year olds being the best of the best. I remember being seventeen. I couldn't spell integrity. Okay, that's a lie. But I sure didn't have the ability to emotionally process integrity. I had no ability to be the best of the best. I never experienced athletics on the level that the men in this movie experienced football. These young men are rock stars for one football season. I love this movie because it clearly conveys the emotional effect of Texas football on five young men and their ability to be perfect.

It also touches on the end of that connectivity, that bond that happens between people during the emotions and after the intensity is gone. I can remember that at the end of a school year or the end of a musical. It feels like wearing a shirt that has been overstretched. It is too big and hangs in odd places. But it is comfortable to not be so tightly stretched out. I love that part of the movie: when Winchell smiles. They will always have that season no matter what else happens in thier lives; they will always be perfect.

notables:

• The routine I have in place for the semester is setting in well. I go to school, go to work study, go to work out, eat, study and play...a little. Mostly it is tiresome to my body on this schedule. My diet is successful. I am eating five small meals a day with a high protein content, no sugar, no white flour. I startled my brother with a fact that Michelle lost twelve pounds in the first week of this exact diet when she did it at my age. He was upset to think that I would lose more than a pound a week. I would be upset if I lost a pound a week. Turns out in my first weigh in, I lost 2 1/2 pounds. That was a diet for one week and one day of exercise. Next weigh in I will have two weeks of diet and one week and one day of exercise. Maybe the extra workout will give my body some umph to lose three pounds in a week. I was slightly bitter about the 2.5 pounds. I really wanted something tremendous like 5 or 10. People always tell me they lose a lot in the beginning. So much for that theory. It is nice to have a routine so there is less chance of screwing up. The army men have noticed my almond eating at eleven am or ten thirty am. They immediately asked about it. Funny how the work out fans can spot other worker outers. I also carry around a purple Nalgene bottle that my wonderful hubby got me. I think the combination were a dead give away for "athlete" (in the making). I do find that I feel like all my nerve endings are hanging out...I can feel everything. This is totally an abstinence thing. It happened when I came off of alcohol, nicotine and now...sugar. I don't remember the alcohol being such a bad withdrawl, but the nicotine: kill me now it was bad. I don't ever want to do that again. I'd love to smoke again, just not go through the withdrawls. Although, I doubt I ever will smoke again because the benefits are outweighing the addiction. Sugar however, I will eat icecream again. Not giving that up.

• I have my first quiz on Friday and still no book. It is a little upsetting to my 'A' student heart, but I recognize that it is in college algebra and even without the book I am ahead of the game in the class. She handed out example problems in class on Wednesday and I got them all right. Mmm...Plus, she drops our lowest quiz grade. Still, I am not used to not being way ahead of the class. Hopefully they will come in by today and tomorrow as per AMAZON.

• Fashion on campus has set in on this rainy Northeast Georgia day. All the fatigues have a poncho. All the girly-girls have "pretty" galoshes. They come in pink or black with polka dots, a red tartan, brown lined with black buckles. It is amazing how hip rubber shoes have become. The girls tuck their jeans into the boot to show off the boot. Weird. It is all the rage. If I could find one in none pink, perhaps a purple of some sort or navy blue, I'd probably wear them too. As it is, I will stick to my way cool hiking boots John got me before Christmas that were intended for me to walk on snow in WV without killing myself, but have come in handy for rainy Georgia days. Since we don't have many rainy days, I jump at the chance to wear them. I am less likely to go hiking in them as people are killing young women these days on the AT, so rain is a good excuse.

• Life at the farm is sad. We had a hefer give birth for the first time which makes her officially a cow. Unfortunately it was a "hard labor" and the baby got stuck in the canal. The cow made it, but the calf didn't. It was a beautiful thing too. But it caught pneumonia because the lungs never dried out. It was sad, but, I have come to find, part of the business of growing cows. The good thing is that the mama lived and is healthy. It means that more pretty calfs can be made and can make money.

• I have never been as excited to drive my dirty little Saturn as I was last night (I am conserving water and not washing my car. God took care of that for me today by letting it POUR down this morn.). I have been without vehicle due to some insurance and tag issues going on and last night I was able to drive MY CAR. The car that gets 37 miles to the gallon when buzzing around town and 40 on the highway. Yes, I get 37 miles to the gallon without being a hybrid. The bowing at the feet of the Saturn SL1 may begin. My eyes were opened to the gas crisis while driving John's vehicles. They get 27 miles to the gallon if you are lucky. I was feeling the pocket pinch that everyone has been screaming about at the top of their lungs in every form of media. I will not go through that again. I will make sure that my little gas stretching vehicle works no matter what until there is an alternative. Even the new Saturns don't get that kind of gas mileage. I will stick to my zip-zip car.

Boy I am fiesty today.

Back to it. I am back at school today. I don't have any books yet though which is strange. It is the first time I have purchased books on Amazon, so we shall see when they get here. My accounting class has a peaceful, easy feeling professor. Then I have a computer class where to my surprise, my professor was in a wheelchair. I have never had a disable prof before, but she was nice and the class seemed pretty straight forward. I get to build a website for class which seems way cool. Next is math. Yes, I have a college course called Math. It is college algebra according to the book I bought, but the class is called math. My D for Done in Calc back a hundred years ago didn't qualify me for Statistics, so I have to start from the beginning. I think it extended my time here by a semester, but it doesn't matter. I can do algebra in my sleep. Then I am off to workstudy and off to workout! Workstudy, workout..haha..

I haven't seen any of my friends yet, but I didn't expect to see them until tomorrow. I know of two classes that I take with two different friends. I was surprised in my accounting class that the gal that sat next to me was an evil girl to me last semester, but this semester asked for my phone number off the bat so we could study. Her question was proposed to ensure she was studying with a good student:"You made an A in the last course right?" I knew she made an A. I saw her grades on all her tests! Yes! I MADE AN A IN ACCOUNTING. Thank God for that one. I really wanted an A in that class. Hopefully she will be nicer than last semester. I think she is probably a nice person, she was just mean to me on a bad day. I am mean to people sometimes too.

Phrase of the day: "So how was your break?"

There are few things in life that evoke emotion outside of one's own experience. That is why we like actors so much. Those folks who can convey circumstances and situations so powerfully that we can feel it ourselves without actually having the experience ourselves. I saw a movie last night that moved me. It was overpowering in its love, agony, tension and loss. It was a story of getting honest, even if it is a death's door. I know about that: getting honest.

I ended up last night in a place of old haunts. I use the word haunts because it is a part of my life that used to scare me, my family and what few friends I had. I was in a constant state of paralyzing fear. I couldn't do anything. All I could do was drink. The drink would allow me to function and not remember. I wouldn't have to feel.

I know that people do experience a spiritual awakening in the middle of the place of their fear. That is not my experience. I was supplanted in the north Georgia mountains. I got a God shot. As a result, I have not been down the old paths since that time. They were shocking to my senses last night.

I made a decision to change last night. I did something I have never done before on that side of town. I went shopping at Target. That seems very simplistic, I know. I wasn't able to shop when I lived there before. I was only able to drink and fear. There wasn't any real shopping back then. You know, the kind of shopping where you go in looking for something not know what that may be and will know it when you see it? I ended up not buying anything but it doesn't make any difference. Now I have a new memory. I have a good memory, not one of fear or petulance or degredation of self. I have one of a peace and ease. One of time spent not drinking.

My story is a garden variety story as far as spiritual journeys are concerned. Last night is a part of my journey: making new memories; daily, small changes. Everyone counts, every bit of a new life bearing principals like integrity, awareness of God, willingness, honesty.

And I'm free in You...
Got no worries on my mind,
I know what to do...
That's to treat you right,
Love you kind,
Thank you ever on my mind...

So I am free to do whatever I want (except eat sugar or white flour). I watched so many movies today, I thought I would be crazy. I feel like I have had too many cigarettes without the coughing, mucus, bad taste in my mouth or smell on my clothes. Turns out this is not from the movies, rather from the lack of sugar in my system. Apparently there is a detox period (imagine that! just like everything else). It is a flightly, fuzzing sensation. So I used the energy for the good and went to the gym. I walked for about thirty minutes maybe more at an incline at a "brisk" pace. I broke a sweat. I felt good.

Ho hum, I hear the drum. That would be the school drum beating. I bought my school books on line today. They are a bit late in the purchase side of things, but you can never tell with online. I bought Dad's Christmas gift from CA and it said that it wouldn't get there until after Christmas, but it got there on the nineteenth. Who knows? Hopefully they will be here before next Friday. As by then the professors will have expectations. They cost me half what I bought them in the bookstore for which means that I overpaid last semester. Oh well, won't make that mistake again. Will order sooner next time though.

Have some cool pictures of the Opossum Drop but haven't figured out how to load them on the computer yet. New camera rocks! I take it with me everywhere. I need a hand protector case though, it is getting a little knocked around in the old purse. I am sure it will stay home more once I go to school. (four days left...)

I am still free for the next couple of days. Hurray...more movies...

Happy New Year!

Today is a day of rest, joy and challenge.

John and I went to Opossum Drop last night to ring in the New Year. It is in Clay's Corner, NC. It is just over the line past Hiwassee. There were gospel songs sung, prayers led by Dolly Parton and a video of patriotism with inspiring words from our current Preznit and past Preznits. Oh yeah, and they dropped a rodent at midnight.

We didn't get home until one thirty and I didn't get to sleep until about two-fifteen. So today was a sleepy day. I didn't get up until ten thirty and didn' get going until eleven fifteen. I ate my non-sugar, no white flour breakfast at lunch time. So funny. One of my girlfriends was shocked and laughing at me. But, hey, I am on break!

I am excited about our plans today to go and eat sourcraut and potatoes with our friends who are originally from Pennsylvania. They say that is their traditional New Year feast. Strangely, both are on my can eat list. They also don't make sweet tea because they are Yankees, so I don't have to be tempted. I look forward to the fellowship and food.

My brother has a tendency to make "resolutions" for the New Year. I had someone ask me if I made them and my answer was that my brother did. I know I want to lose about 35lbs. Maybe 40 if I can. I know that I want to maintain my 3.8 GPA (or better). I know that I want to go somewhere I haven't been... I am ready to grow through prayer instead of through pain. That's gotta happen at some point right? I am kinda tired of the being in pain to motivate me change. I would much rather just pray about things and change. No pain necessary. I know that I want to attain some physical/emotional peace. The chaos that I yearned for, I am no longer interested. I am ready to have one of those lives where people say so are you still doing...and for me to answer yes. So are these resolutions? I don't know. I know that they are things that I want.

I haven't had a school break in so long, I don't know what to do. I am finally on break. No parties, no family, no gifts left to give. My house is clean, my clothes are washed. There is no one left to visit. Nothing has finally been achieved.

I am starting a diet today prescribed by a trainer: no white flour or sugar for two weeks, five meals a day, cardio and weight strengthening training. I feel like I am jumping on the band wagon for the New Year resolutions, but I am not. I have put a lot of hard earned mental energy into this process. My willingness has been slow throughout the chaotic Christmas season. Now that I am to nothing. I was thinking I am more willing to do something. Michelle told me that it was a good diet but to watch out for gout.

Gout? Isn't that something people got in the middle ages? Or is it something old people get? John thought you got it from eating too much shell fish (which I don't know that I could ever eat enough shrimp!). So I looked it up. Turns out it is when your uric acid forms crystals on your joints. It is preventable through drinking lots of coffee, water, vitamin C and eating cherries. Mmmm...cherries. Gout, who would have thought of that one? So, I have a purple water bottle ready to go. And John is going into town today, so he will pick up some vitamin C. Turns out we have coffee (I'm sure you can't imagine me having coffee right?) and of all things, we bought cherries as a luxury the last time we went to the grocery store. Huh, not so bad if you ask me.

So no gout for me, I'll leave it to the old people in the middle ages to getting it.

Wish me luck. I am told that I will lose a significant amount of weight over the next six months by this trainer guy. I hope so. I am ready to be my slim self again. Back to the happy healthy look of when I was a swimmer. Slim and trim.

You are an extra ordinary woman, you are Wonder Woman.

That is how I have felt in the last few weeks. Make the in law smile, wonderful. Make the husband smile, wonderful. Make the mama smile, wonderful. Make the step-children smile, wonderful. I AM WONDER WOMAN. Boy was I glad to watch the dvd of wonder woman last night to find out that there are more out there just like me! HA!

I have always wanted to be this person. The person that I am today. I don't know how I got here, but I am glad that I am. I only have one more part of me to get it totally to where I want to be which is my physical being. I guess it will be my last demon. God will help me just like God has helped me this far. Through the raising by good parents, the guidance of good mentors and the love and warmth of both, I will be total wonderful.

On another topic, I have a great family. All things considered. I got lucky. My husband's family that is now my family, ain't half bad. It could be much worse. I am extremely grateful for them today, a little more than usual, due to knowing two that have lost their family in this holiday season. I believe in the power of numbers, so I think there will be a third. (My Mom is rolling her eyes right now, but she believes in ghosts so I can believe in threes.) Both who are gone are sons. Son of a John's friend around the corner and a son of my good friend Debbie. Her first son. I know it is hard to lose family members. I have not experienced anyone that was really painful to lose. I lost my grandmother a couple years back, but all her ducks were in a row and her spiritual strength, man what I wouldn't give for the spiritual fortitude she had. I wasn't hurt about her death because I knew that she was safe with God. It is like she went on a long vacation and I will see her when I get there. Sometimes I think she is still a part of my life (since my Mom believes in ghosts). Her pineapple casserole always seems to make it to family events. Loss of a loved one must be hard. I can't imagine losing someone out of the people that I saw on Saturday night. They all mean so much to me. There were a few who have divorced out of the family who I still miss, even though they divorced us. There were one or two who couldn't make it due to work or living far away, I think of them too. My family is just really great. I can't imagine not having them. Especially at Christmas.

I come home and there are people who have horrid family tales of Christmas. My "horrid" tale is that 35 people descended upon my Mother's home! My friends all die of shock that 1) I have 60 people that are invited and are family we like enough to invite to our home and 2) that 35 of them showed up. My friends all think of 35 people in their family (who I would never invite to my house) and cringe at the thought of them all being in the same place at the same time without referees or police. To me it is what I look forward to every year. I used to look forward to a drive to Dalton every year, going to Nenny's house. There were more than 35 people there. My Mama is now Nenny. What a wonderful woman she is. Maybe that is where I get it from. Wonder Woman Nenny, Wonder Woman Mama, Wonder Woman Rae...

I love my family. I am so glad God has given me the ability to participate in it today. It was just seven years ago, I couldn't participate in my own life not to mention a life with family. What a difference finding a God of my own understanding makes. I would have never guessed He would have given me all these glad tidings of joy. I hope y'all all had a Merry Christmas, because goodness knows, I had a wonderful one.

"I know that we are going to South Carolina to set up Iowa. When I say what's next, I am finished with that item and want to know what's next. So what's next? Nothing?! Good.

Well I feel bathed in the warmth of the candidate. "

I have yet to find respite after my four and a half hour final. My accounting final was four and a half hours. The gal who took six hours made a C, which was good for her. She is no longer an accounting major. I am though.

I keep running into more to do. With in an hour and a half of my final, I went to WV. With in an hour of coming home from WV, I went to meet with friends. Then there was the Christmas shopping. After that the Christmas Card preparing. Picture for the Christmas Card. Then the posting of the cards...75 cards. I still have four left to send, making 79 cards total. Then there was the wrapping of the gifts. Still looking for gifts. Working at the work study for four days. Packing for Mom's. Going to Mom's. Prepping for the party at Mom's. It just doesn't stop. I haven't stopped. Something to do. Something more. What's next?

Something is always next. I want to have a day where I say, nothing? good.

For those of you who think that I have dropped off of the face of the earth, I did. I went to WV. Anyone who has been to WV knows HOW off the earth it is. BUT, I thought for those who are still interested in my life, I thought I would give a good news Christmas blog:

Good News: I made a 3.8 for my first semester back in college.
Accounting: A
Macro: B
Micro: A
English: A
Management: A


Merry Christmas!

And then there was one...

I asked a gal who takes easy econ with me if she'd taken the accounting final already. She said yes, and it took her six hours to take. SIX HOURS? She said yes, and then she changed her major. She is no longer an accounting major. After a six hour exam, I would be hard pressed to stay with it too. She said that she was the last one. She said that most people finished in three. THREE HOURS? For a scheduled hour and a half exam? Can you say this professor is nuts? Yes, he is.

He is a West Virginian, gospel singing, gang busters Christian, man of accounting, nut. And this is not something he wouldn't self proclaim. He sings to us old country songs just to see how culturally exposed we are. Things like: Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life. (It turns out that is a real song.) Most of the songs I can sing along, but every now and again...

Our second exam took me over two hours. I was the last in the class to leave. Our third exam took me not even the whole class period because he didn't teach enough stuff to make a full test. I have had my guess that the exam (its comprehensive) would be devistatingly long. If for no other reason than to generate the amount of information that he wants. If I am going to pour my accounting knowledge out on the table, it would take me at least three hours to spill. Even then, I am not sure that I would be empty.

Six hours...

I'd have to go pee at some point in six hours and there is no way he'd let us leave and come back. Too much room for cheating. Six hours. That poor gal. Its too bad to, because I was hoping to see her in class more.

Luckily, there is no exam following our exam so if I have to, I'll stick with it till the cows come home. ON A SATURDAY no less...

Just one more left and I get an entire month to play. Play, play play...yeah, I am not taking six hours. Forget it, I am going to make Christmas sugar cookies and hang out with Meg who I haven't seen in two or three weeks because of school.

One more exam. Just one. Wonder if there is a bad gospel-country song for that!

Two down, Three to go...

I have a multiple choice English final today at one o'clock. I can't even think of how to prepare for a multiple choice English Final. For the mid-term, I didn't study because I have other things going on and made a B by the skin of my teeth. One point more and Ida had an A. Out of undue loyalty, I am making myself study for the final. I have taken the review sheet and anything I don't know off the top of my head, I am looking up. For example, one of the topics she wants us to know is "redundency." Yeah, I am not looking that one up. But weird ones like "Boolean Operators," I will take the time to clarify so I know them for the test. If you can tell me what a boolean operator is, I will bake you a pecan pie.

Tomorrow is my easy Econ class. In case you are curious, that would be micro economics. It is easy because he gives you the test as a review sheet. This is a man who scared the devil out of most of the students on the first day. We originally had sixty people in the class. He told us that we had three tests, no extra credit and if we cheated, he would catch us and throw us out of the school. There are only thirty in the class now. He is a really nice man as it turns out. And I have a solid A in that class.

When there is little motivation to study, it is amazing how many other things come up that I need to do. I dusted the ceiling fan this morning for instance. How important was it? Not very. I don't know that I have ever done it. THAT is how important it is. My head is now significantly in pain as a result of my sinuses being stopped up from all the dust which is even more reason to not study. This is bad. I need to find out about booleans.

Ah, to study or not to study, that is the question.

I'm getting something for this love's labor,
even when I am forgetting...

I have forgotten how intense the last days of school are. I am pretty scared. It's been a while since I have taken a final. Just the word: final, it sounds so...final...like the end. The reality is it is not the end. It is just the beginning. I still have about three years worth of work ahead of me. John has encouraged me to go on and get a masters as well since I will have 30 hours worth when I get done getting the cpa. So masters here I come. Finals are not so final when there is three years to go.

Who would guess I would get a masters? I mean Carter getting a masters, sure, he is the smart kid in the family, but Rae? She is the misfit. She might be smart, but not disciplined. She is crazy!

But man, on Saturday, it will feel final. I have a final on Saturday. Who thought that was a good idea? Finals are so cumbersome. I only have two that are cummulative. They are english (multiple choice) and accounting...the longest test of my life. When English became a multiple choice possiblity, I don't know, but it is. The accounting I expect to be a total of three questions that will take two full hours. It is math and math profs like to do that kind of thing. Or it will be a bzillion questions totally contingent on each other so if you get the first one wrong, the whole test is wrong. That one is on Saturday. Strangley, I made a deal with the prof that if I get an A on the exam, I get an A in the class. I have a solid B in that class to a point of not being able to make an A statisically. But he said that he'd give it to me if I did it on the final exam. So I have to make an A.

Today is a reading day. Although these days they call it an academic day. It is a day with no tests, no papers, no teachers. It is a day to read. I actually went to a study session with the accounting teacher for two hours and gave up and left when there was no end in sight. I saw that there are lots of people who are in the accounting realm with me who are not in my class. They are taking most of the same classes as me but at all different times. They are amazed at my ability to say, okay I get it. Now I just have to remember it. That is what reading days are about. Remembering. Maybe it should be called a memory day. I have all A's and B's. I used to have a C, but managed to bring it up. The last time I had all A's and B's was thirteen and a half years ago. I ended up with a 3.6 for the semester. I made deans list. I hope I make deans list again. That would be so cool.

Back to remembering...remembering that it is not so final.

I used to come home from school as a "latch key" kid, actually, we had a hide-a-key, which used to be a great game if either Carter or I would get home first, but then Carter never came home first because he went to school on the other side of the county. Then I quit coming home first because of sports and other school activities. Then we all quit coming home to a hide-a-key. We just had our own key. But I would come home and dilly-dally for about 30 minutes. Then Mom would come home and sort out the trouble I had caused between me and my brother. Then Mom would fuss at me to do my homework, practice my piano/violin, and wake her up in 20 minutes (she would promptly crash in the recliner in the florida room). So be it. I would...do whatever. She always woke up in 20 minutes without me having to wake her, which was unnerving if I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. She would turn on the pink radio on the washer/dryer in the kitchen to NPR at which time the All Things Considered theme song would sing. I then would know I had about thirty minutes or less to set the table and feed the dog. I never really listened to the show, but the music was nice and there was something familiar about that chime from the show everyday. It made home, home.

I am in the process of making the farm my home. I haven't really put too much effort into it until lately. My kitchen was first. It is now a place that I want to live in except one thing. I make the dinner, set the table, wash the dishes, but something was missing. I finally figured out that it was the chime. I started trying to figure out how to get the radio in my kitchen without buying anything or moving anything. Another problem is that most radios have a hard time picking up the local GPB station despite it being right over the mountain at the college. Tonight it came to me. The computer. Perfect.

So while I didn't make dinner tonight, I made two pecan pies and apple cake. The cake and one pie are for thanksgiving at Mom's. The other pie is for a dinner with friends tonight that is a gratitude dinner for everyone before we all go home to families. It worked. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da-da, daaaaa...tttttttttttt.....then I baked, I cleaned and I will eat. What a small treasure to make home, home.

Life on the farm...


Every once in a while a calf will not wean from the mama cow. In times of initial stress, there is a simple solution: take the calf away from the mama. It takes three days. Easy enough. So the cow is in the pen. The calf is in the pasture with the heard. Weaning begins. Weaning leads to mooing. Mooing is to call the calf to milk the udders that are FULL. COME MILK MEEEEEE translates to MOoOOOOooOOO.

Recently, we started weaning a cow on Friday. Only nobody told me that we were weaning anything. I started dinner and am beebopping around my beautifully organized, cleaned kitchen. There is a scream like a child who can't decide if they are hurt or laughing rediculously in pain. The edge of terror and gaiety. I look outside expecting the dogs to respond if somethings up. No response. I think to myself...hmm...that's odd. Must have been an coyote. Yes, that's it. A Coyote!

Eric pulls in his big big truck and tells me he is going hunting. Okay, come in for dinner if you like. AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh!!!! That's no coyote. I look outside. Eric is feeding RedDog leftover breakfast from the depths of the truck. No flinching.

NOW, I am crazy. There is a child or girl or is screaming in my head.

So when John gets home and there is a AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh!!!! I say seee...what is that? He said he didn't hear it that he would listen next time.

We go to the movies and come back. AHhHAHHAAHHHHH!!!!! JOHN! What is that?!

Oh that? AAAAHAAHAAAAAAHHHHhhhh!!!!!

Yes, that.

Oh, that's the cow in the barn, she can't moo. That is the sound she makes.

A cow who can't moo? I am crazy.

I can't remember watching a presidential debate. I know that I have, but I can't remember it. I guess now that I have a better understanding of what a presidential race is and what the issues facing the cadidates are, I am more vested in the exchange of ideas through the great debates. I haven't had the opportunity to watch the other democratic candidate debates. I won't watch the republian candidate debates because 1) I don't vote republican and 2) there is no one convincing enough for me to even consider to vote republican.

Just in the first forty-five minutes of the debate, I know why people are political buffs. This is like watching a sports match. There are seven candidates who are overwhelmingly overeducated on the issues affecting the nation who stand forth and go to battle. It is an explosive joust of proposed solutions. Whose solution is the best?

It is interesting that the leading candidates separate themselves through this statement, what I would do as president. They convey themselves not just as a possible candidate, but a heavy weight, as the next president. They have concern and respect for the office. They are not just senators, they are chiefs. They are commanders. They are civilians. They are leaders of the nation with or without winning the candidacy or the presidential race. They are the decisions makers for the people of this country.

My Opinions:

Biden is doing a great job in the debate
Edwards does his best, but is still pushing the mud.
Obama is getting killed by Lou Dobbs.
Clinton is the best.
Go Hillary Go!

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

That is the feeling on campus. Everyone is done skipping classes on Fridays. There are small study groups begining to form in the lobbies. The projects are finalizing. The teams are meeting for a final time before the presentation. The last papers are being written. Students are getting tired. Teachers press on in discipline to teach as many chapters and topics as possible to include on the finals. There is a wonder if it will ever end. There is a knowing that it is almost over.

We are standing on the edge. We can see the relaxing pool of water below. All we have left to do is dive. There are two weeks left of classes--9 days. There is one week of finals. Then there is a WHOLE MONTH of nothing. No tests, no friends to impress, no papers to write, no teachers to question. Nothing. Just relaxation. My brain will get to pause...not think...just play.

People wonder why they don't get along in the "real world" once they get out of college. I know why I don't do well in the real world. I like the college world. Give me challenge on a daily basis for four months and then give me a month to recoup. That's what I'm talking about. I am born to be a college student. I love standing on the edge. I love finding out what I learned this past semester. I want to sing at the top of my lungs because I have been practicing all semester long, but my scene isn't up yet. It won't be up until December 8th. Then I can give a triumphant YALP, loud and as long as I want to and then...relax....then it will be over.

Sometimes there is just no way to follow up a good weekend. It was just good.

My weekend started with notice from my microecon prof that class was cancelled on Monday. Whoohoo! Good day. Then on Friday evening, I had a warming dinner with friends from here and out of town. There was bbq and bananapudding. I made three cheese mac n' cheese. (I left out the milk but it didn't seem to matter.) I was so glad to be able to hang out with Meg & Sebatian and so many people I hadn't seen in a long time.

Saturday I slept in until ten am. I slept twelve hours! Can you imagine. This week I was off on my sleeping. I was only getting about six or seven hours of sleep a night, so John was not surprised I slept so long, but I was!

It was a college football day. Since the games didn't start until twelve, I watched Rudy. It was awesome. Then I chatted on the phone with Meg for about an hour, while watching NC and UNC-whoa is all I have to say about that game. Then came the house cleaning. Most people would have settled into their homes by now. Especially since they have been in it for about a year. I don't really know why I just up and decided to nest, but I did. Now my kitchen looks like a kitchen instead of some place that looks like a compartment of a storage box. The rest of my house still looks like a storage box, but my kitchen looks like home. Next weekend will be another room I am sure. Whew. I could live in that kitchen.

Then John and I were invited to a "couples" baby shower. Apparently it is the hip new thing. So we had plans to go to ATL, but instead we got to actually meet the baby, it was two weeks early! A new baby girl. She was beautiful. She was born in the same hospital as my Dad (yeah, didn't know that until Carter told me). It was a gorgeous hospital. Guess Dad was living it up when he was born. Then we called Carter and asked him to stop eating (munching on the phone) and go out to eat with us. Being the kind, cool brother that he is, he did. He took us to the trendy restaurant around the corner and we had good times.

Sunday was good in that my kids learned about fishers of men. We made a fishing net and fish and hung them from the ceiling. Yep, you try that with 5th and 6th graders. Its not easy. Then we had breakfast with the boys. Then back to the polishing of the kitchen. Did I mention how pretty it is now? It is nice.

There is no way to follow a good weekend...except for by having a Monday that I only have one class to go to. That is a good way to follow a good weekend. I love being back in school.

I have some concerns about the the State Speaker of the House's proposed tax reform. The more I learn in my two economic classes the more concerns I have about his policy shift for the state. I recognize that a new tax policy is imminently needed as it seems that cuts continue for the state which tells me they either are going broke or might become broke because of all the tax cuts.


So how do you politically recoup the losses (tax cuts) that have made you popular as a politician, but not raise taxes (lose your job aka political suicide for the GOP of GA)? You call it something different: you call it TAX REFORM.


It is interesting watching the bashing back and forth between the speaker and the governor. I don't know that I have seen such blatant intra-party squabbling since Mark Taylor ate Cathy Cox in the democratic gubernatorial candidacy. The speaker is stealing some thunder from the Governor who is trying to get into national politics, while laying some ground work for his own progression as a politician. This makes Sonny very unhappy. He likes his thunder.

What the speaker is proposing is a sales tax as the main source of revenue for the state. He wants to eliminate the property tax because it is "too high." In listening to a snip it of him on 11 alive, he wants to almost eliminate property tax (thus, who would still have to pay? My guess is the middle class.). Here are my concerns:

• I have learned that sales tax is a regressive tax. A regressive tax is one that increases the less income you make. So the more money you make, the less tax you pay. The less money you make, the more tax you pay. This means that the lower echelon gets lower and the higher echelon gets higher and the middle gets stuck with the bill.

• I understand that there is a misperception that taking the property tax money and giving it back to those who own property would give them money to spend thus being collected in sales tax. This takes into two assumptions. One, that the items the wealthy buy with the money is not more land. Two that they will buy things that are sales taxed in Georgia. What happens if they take the two grand from the non-prop tax and reinvest it in more land? What happens if they buy stuff in N.C.? Then the money that is redistributed will not come back to Georgia as revenue, but create a gaping whole in the revenue collection process. Also, what happens if they save it? This is something I have not heard the Speaker address yet: who makes up the difference in revenue if it is not collected by the state?

• Now, dealing with the flip side of the problem. What if they are a home owner and every year claim property taxes as a write off for their federal income taxes...now that there is no property tax, there is no tax write off. So much for not paying the property tax. Now instead of the state getting that money, the Feds get the money. That doesn't seem quite right. How will we know that money gets redistributed to Georgia? We don't. Instead, we just pay more taxes. Doesn't it seem like if property owners were going to pay taxes that the State should be the one getting the cash? I mean come on. There is no way for the property owners to reinvest when they just change the name on the check.

• Finally, there is a notion that the sales tax would broaden the base of income by taxing the passer "throughs". The tourists will make up for the difference. I recognize that we are definitely becoming a nation of leisure. We are wealthier than most nations and more of our citizens have the ability to travel. As an added bonus we have states instead of little countries so there is no reason to have extra papers to travel and eliminating a hassle for the common vacationer. Well, cool. Where would you like to travel to? Not Georgia, they tax you for going there. It is too expensive to be considered a stopping point. Let's go to New Hampshire where there is no sales tax at all. Then we can consume all we'd like. Get my drift?

Why do we want to run off a major industry in Georgia? Why tax that industry? Why not tax manufacturing or utilities? Why tax tourism? Why tax the poor? Why tax those who have property? What is the point in taxing everyone for everything and not getting a whole lot in return?

Although, it does shine the spotlight on the speaker. It does boost the political squabbling in the state congress. It does make those of us who watch, watch with more fervor. These are good things for someone who wants to be looked at as the next GOP gubernatorial candidate. It is also a great way to hide the fact that you want to raise taxes as a solution to state going broke.

I guess the main thing taking micro and macro economics has taught me this semester is that the Speaker needs to enroll in the courses before he goes off creating economic policies. If he hasn't had the courses, then he will become educated. If he has had the courses, it will be a good brush up and maybe knock some sense into him. All in all, my economics courses have taught me, not many people understand economics.

I meet you for coffee,
We get together periodically,
I got a bad case I can't shake off of me,
People wonderin how, wonderin how it oughta be...

Sometimes I run smack into myself. When this happens there is a great emotional distress. Who am I? How did I get here? What am I doing with my life? What am I contributing to life? They are all very disturbing questions that typically reveal some self awareness that ready or not here I come. It takes days to process and even the simple tasks take effort to focus, perform and follow through. Emotionally I turn into one of those train wrecks that you hear about on the news where some poor soul got stuck on the tracks because the car died. Just aweful. We secretly say to ourselves that we are glad that we don't know the poor soul. I have been that poor soul over the weekend. Train wreck victim. A casuality of my own mind. I live on a foundation of rigorous honesty. I have principals in my life like integrity, willingness, perseverance and an awareness of God. When honesty fails, when I become dishonest, oddly, my foundation cracks. All the other principals are contingent upon honesty and without that, I go a little bonkers. I look and act like a train wreck. That train whistle is pulled along with the brakes by the engineer as hard as they can be pulled, with no hope. There is nothing to do but run over that gal trying desperately in fear to get the car to start. It effects every relationship. It effects every commitment. It exhausts me. It makes my muscles sore. I start to daydream, but not really dream, just not see what's right in front of me. I become not present in my own life. Train wreck.

When I find that place of honesty, all is made right. In one single instant, I feel, I see, I hear, I return and am snapped back into the here and now. I am present. It is weird. It is a process. I have to get honest with one person, then another person and finally with myself. POW, I am back. Standing on my own two feet. I know where I am, who I am, where I am going and what I am contributing to life. I can pray again. I can take on the big, bad college grade. I can be where I say I am going to be and be who I tell you I am. My foundation is solid like a rock.

Thank goodness it only lasted from Friday to Monday. I am sure that it would have been aweful through out the week when I am supposed to be paying attention in class.

I didn't used to know how to be honest. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was in a state of disillusionment for years. I was drowned in liquor. It perpetuated the state of numbness. Like a 24 hours that repeated its self over and over. The same train wreck everyday. I couldn't get honest. I was constitutionally incapable of a manner of living that demanded rigorous honesty. Thank goodness, I don't have to live that way anymore. Thank goodness I have the support, the love, the steps to take to keep me on track. Thank goodness for Grace.

I have had four tests in seven days, Halloween & b'day with Iris, anniversary with the hubby and faced a cheating scandal that threatened my academic standing. Right now I feel like my brain is oozing out my ears and all I want to do is sleep. I finally caught up on my blog reading today and realized I was two weeks behind in my own blogging. I still have a paper due today and then my thinking can cease completely. If you want to know anything about organizational development and behavior, LIFO & FIFO inventory, the Coase theorum or how the increase/decrease of the dollar effect aggregate demand, get it now, because by tomorrow it will be gone out of my head.

John and I ate year old wedding cake for our anniversary. It was great fun. Then we hiked Brasstown Bald, which if you have any type of heart condition or breathing condition I highly recommend you take the shuttle instead of hiking it. The trail is only six tenths of a mile, but it is on an eight percent grade. If you are a stair master queen/king then this would be no problem, but if you are like me-twenty pounds overweight and out of shape, it nearly killed me. But I was going at a pretty serious pace according to my husband. The way down is cake. It makes you appreciate the trek up.

Iris won best costume in Clarkesville for 3-5 year olds. She was a witch. She won a $50 savings bond. I thought that was cool. There was a whole troop of us who escorted her around the square and taught her how to say trick or treat. She would get so excited to say it because she had about five or more people who would applaud her saying it. To boot she got a piece of candy. Meg was a witch too. I was over tested to dress, although next year the troop that went around the square with Iris decided to dress as a group: ie The munsters, or the Adams Family. Something like that.

My holiday season will start next weekend. Every weekend after that I will be booked for something. There is a wedding, a baby shower, a turkey day, and two Christmas parties already on the docket. Somewhere in there I have to go see my mother-in-law. Plus, I am supposed to shop for family gifts, have a bonfire at the farm and have finals.

I think this weekend is going to be about sleeping, maybe some movie going too, but mostly about sleeping. Hopefully, my brain will be restored and capable of making it to the end of the year.

Pray unceasingly. Pray with your thoughts, words, feelings and wills. This was Dena's message this morning. She always amazes me in her ability to hit the nail on the head of what I need. I need more prayer. I have tried to pray unceasingly all day today. I have never consciously tried it before and turns out, it is really hard. I get distracted from prayer easily. If I am in conversation, I can't seem to pray and talk at the same time. I also find it hard to return to prayer once I have had a conversation because I am either a) thinking about the conversation and its elements or b) thinking about self...what I want to do, what I want to say, what I have going on at school, etc. I used to think about other people: what are they doing or thinking, but I have come to find that is a waste of time altogether. So Dena says less thinking, more praying. I have heard that the object of spirituality is to take out self and replace it with God. I am sure God knows that is an impossibility on a whole, because he made us non-gods, rather God-like, but not exact replicas. So if I stop thinking about self and instead pray (think about God)...She says that God wants us to talk to Him. She says that God wants a relationship with us. But doesn't that seem a bit much to only have a relationship with God and no one else? Or maybe, that is not what she is saying. That seems like a Rae twisted bit. I think she may have been saying that when we pray unceasingly our actions will follow and our relationships will too. Kind of like the ping pong balls and the sand. But I have tried today. It is hard. I am distracted right now! I guess I just have to keep trying. It will probably get easier. It is a lot easier to pray when there is an urgency about it. It is harder to pray when you are like, Hey God, life is good. Thanks....No urgency. I must be missing something. I guess I will pray about it until I find out what it is.

My husband is always telling me he is the smartest man in the world...then my Dad walks in the room. My Dad never ceases to amaze me.

I am back in school, dutifully studying and going to class. I have been very proud to say that I have not skipped a single class. My hardest class is macroeconomics. The reason I say this is that his test was so hard that he is giving us an opportunity to make points on the first exam by watching a film from PBS. It is called commanding heights. It is about the global economy and the philisophies of government planned economy contrasting a free market. It is taking us through the turn of the century to present. It is a long movie. I think it will bring my C up to an A. That would be good. I am feverishly taking notes and mostly listening to what is being said as opposed to watching because there is so much information. One of the only pieces of music came on just after WWII in the movie. They were talking about the downfall of the conservative political party and Winston Churchill and the rising of the Labor Party with a resounding new effort to build a new Jerusalem. What was the piece that they played? Jerusalem. My Dad's girls' song. I don't know how my Dad did it, but he amazed me again at his intelligence.

I sang along.

My professor thinks I am nuts, not to mention the girl sitting next to me.

Something weird happened at school. People are missing. I thought it was just a Friday thing, like everyone cut class on Friday to go do whatever it is they had to do, but they were missing again today. Someone said that there is a bad cold going around...weird. I am grateful for the good parking spaces though.

Our house is officially in the fall mood whether the weather is or not. We went by the storage unit and picked up fall/winter items while storing not so fall and winter items. We also went on a great pumpkin hunt. John took me to Bert's pumpkin patch. There were two parking lots full of cars and then some. There was one great pumpkin patch that had all kinds of pumpkins. There were GREAT BIG ONES, itty bitty ones, green ones, white ones and even a set called cinderella pumpkins. We got a normal size orange pumpkin, a white one, a green one and a cinderella one. They also had all the accoutraments too. There were corn stalks and wild dried maize. So we got some of the maize, but decided to cut down our own stalks from our neighbors farm (per their permission of course!). We used our goodies from Bert's along with our own farm elements to create a beautiful harvest display at the end of our driveway. Fall is here!, it announces, at this house! Come and see! When you get to the door, the maize hangs with a beautiful bow. Fall is here! Just wait and see!

I am hoping to encourage the weather. It is getting right cool in the evenings where a light jacket is required. Just that thrill, that chill, that air that fall is coming.

I am ready or not!

My brother likes to hear about farm life. Two words: chicken litter.

Do you know what chicken litter smells like? It smells like money.

That is something that we say as we pass by a farm that has just emptied its chicken house or a farm that has just spread litter over the pasture. Chicken litter will grow grass on cement it is so powerful. Its potentcy in not just in its smell, but also in its power to grow things. It is a by-product of having a chicken farm that grows more money for the farmer who sells it and better pasture for the farmer that buys it thus making money for both farmers. So it smells like money.

That being said, anyone who has been to my humble abode knows that I live in the center of a pasture that grows cows. Yes, that is right my friends, right now, my house smells like money. Unfortunately the smell does not leave until the first rain...which we've had oh so much of lately.

My dogs found a whole chicken that was dead that fell out of the litter truck among the litter. They have been chowing down on the innards of it since yesterday and thumb their nose at the dry dog food I feed them. Gross. There is nothing like living in the smell. I forget after a while about the smell and then I sniff it and start looking for what is causing the stench and realize, oh! Money.

Ah, farm life. Can't beat it when it smells so good.

I had the whole weekend to myself. My husband was off to his Mama's and I was to study all weekend. You know what I did? Nothing. Not one single thing. Well, I did go work with Gertie Mae's at a fancy wedding. I succefully tied back the tie backs, placed the table placements, and garnished the railings. The railings were the hard part because I didn't have any experience in garnishing with garland. However, I was successful. Sherry did all the really hard stuff like designing everything. Then I came home to do...you guessed it, nothing. I watched almost a whole season of West Wing. In my search for the next season among my dvds, I realized that I have two fifth seasons. If that is not wierd, I don't know what is. I don't know how I got two fifth seasons, nor do I know why I would want them. I must not have been paying attention when I bought them. I really need six & seven to complete my collection, but not this past weekend, because I was doing nothing.

I don't usually comment on public events. I am a quiet active political person. I read, assess, form my own opinions and then vote. Although, if this was the trend, then no one would stand up and shout at the rain. I don't like to rant. I find it aggrevates my anger, like scratching an itch, it only gets worse. I take a point of view of discerning instead of judging. This keeps me out of trouble on so many levels: I don't alienate friends or family members; I don't propel the angry Rae image; and I have lots of people who enjoy my company. My close friends know my personal love for all things political give me a bit of room when I just need to talk about politics.


I haven't really consulted anyone before writing about the next little bit, but I haven't had that safe space to spell out my opinion on this particular event. So here goes,...


I have always been a bit mouthy whenever I hear racial slurs. I will cut people down for using phrases or words or even having an ethnocentric attitude. I don't stand for it inter-racially or intra-racially. If I hear a black man/woman using inappropriate language with another black man or woman, I will slice him/her to ribbons for self degredation. I just won't stand for it, under any circumstances. This being said, I have been almost killed for being mouthy (about racism or any number of other things, which is why I am less vocal today). However, I have also been respected for my prescence of mind, courage and heart.


I am not sure where I get this strength. The only thing I can think that I rely on is my experience in high school. Most kids in my neighborhood went to a private school. Everyone in my neighborhood was white. The public school that serviced my neighborhood was about 85% or more black. There were some Asian, not many and the rest white. I remember being one of three white females who "graduated" the seventh grade. My best friend in the eighth grade was suspended for fighting with a girl who called me a "white bitch" in homeroom. I remember Joseph Lowery coming to speak to my school. It was a very big deal and we were all in the gym for about an hour listening to him preach. The other thing I remember about that event was being in fear for my life as I walked out of the gym because I was one of the few white students. I remember being grateful that my spanish class that I was returning to was the first door on second hall past the gym exit on the left. I was afraid. The people in the school were pumped up after he spoke, with anger and a dangerous encouragement. I remember being called goldie locks for my blonde hair. I remember shootings at the mall next to the highschool. I remember having to walk through the mud in my pumps and dress that I wore for National Honor Society because there was a huge fight on third hall that left blood on the floor and lockers. I remember one of the coaches walking to the disciplinary principal's office with two young black men in headlocks so they wouldn't fight. I remember people going to jail everyday for violence in my school. And I knew why they were fighting. There was an underlying racial tension in my school that you couldn't cut with a knife. It was both inter and intra racially motivated. It was dangerous in my school.


I do not put up with racial slurs because cutting words are a result of cutting thoughts. Cutting thoughts and words lead to slicing actions. Racial violence is unacceptable on any level in thought, word or deed. I will not stand for it.


These young men, these Jena 6, that stood up for their civil rights through beating a classmate and leaving him for dead...I will not stand for it. There is nothing justified in their actions. They were violent. There is nothing about violence that deters racism. Martin Luther King, Jr. knew that. It is about changing thoughts. Violence does not change thoughts. The student who had to ask his pricipal for "permission" to sit under a "white" tree should have been the first indication to the principal that something was wrong in his school. PERMISSION? Are you kidding me? Why didn't the principal ask the student back, why do you feel the need to ask for permission? What is it that we as a faculty and staff, as educators need to address that would eliminate this lack of freedom for the student? Where were the teachers? Why was their no authority for the children? Why would racism ever escalate to a place of violence in today's society? THEY ARE CHILDREN. WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING THEM?


Do I think that the young men who beat the one young man should go to jail? for murder? Yes they should go to jail, and for attempted murder if there is proof of motive and intent suffienct to support the charge. If the young man who was beaten died, they should be prosecuted for murder. They committed a crime. I don't care why they committed the crime. They broke the law. The worst thing about taking the "law into your own hands" is that you are no longer protected by those laws. You are an outlaw. You are a criminal.


I don't know really what motivated my parents to send me to public school vs. private school. What I do know is that it was the best cultural experience I could have. I learned what it meant to experience racism. I know what its like to go to a school where tension is a part of the daily function of the school. I know what its like to say, yes I graduate from that highschool and have someone ask me back, "and you survived?". I know what it is like to be the minority. I know what it is like to live in tolerance and diversity. I know what it is like...

There has never been a reason for me to hit, kick, demonstrate in any violent way my intolerance for racial slurs, racial hatred, racial oppression. So why is there a reason for these six to get away with attempted murder for their intolerance of racial oppression? The answer is that they shouldn't. And if they do, their leaders should be ashamed of themselves.

There is a strange phenomena happening at this school. I haven't experienced it in the real world which may be a statement of maturity or ignorance. The women (as I only have exposure to women) are talking on their cell phone while going to the bathroom. I have been on the phone in mid-conversation while at home and snuck in a bathroom break, typically I am talking to someone who is family, like my Mom or Meg, but in a public bathroom? These gals just keep right on talking while they walk into a stall. No, I am not talking about: "hey, can I call you right back in a minute" conversations. I am talking about on the phone when they come in, while they wait in line for a stall, while they pee, wipe and whatever else, while they wash their hands and leave the bathroom. Never stop talking. It is the most amazing thing. What on earth are they thinking? What on earth is the person on the other end thinking? These women make their peeing public and their conversation public. It is so obscene. Who uses the bathroom in public without being arrested?

Strange women at this school.

SO...I am looking for a violent movie that is not passive violence but not grotesque violence yet provokes discussion. Any suggestions?

I tried to go with A Street Car named Desire, but it is too subtle as a result of desensitization. Then I made a pendulum swing to American History X, but I might traumatize the public. Any suggestions?

It is for a grant that will gain money for Crime Victims Awareness Week. Yes, this is a real thing and I have most of the grant proposal worked out except the movie. I need a middle of the road violent movie that has some of the road to recovery in it. Any suggestions?

It needs to be something the public would want to see, which means documentaries and super old movies (like black & white) are out. Something more recent with a real message of crime victimization. Any suggestions?

3 A's down, two to go. I am almost through a series of "first tests" and mid-terms. It just depends on the prof as to what they call it. Some of the tests I have not made ligitimate A's on, but curves are great. I made an 87.5 (high B) and with the curve, I made a 104.5. Yeah, isn't that one weird? The highest grade in the class was a 92, so I figured on 8 points, but not 16.5. Crazy. I had another test where I made an 80 (barely a B) but the curve was twelve points! He had to throw out three questions on that one and then to boot he curved. Crazy. The third test, I haven't actually gotten back yet, but when you know the answers, you know the answers. There is only one real rule in Accounting: BALANCE. Not only did I balance, I put all the numbers in the right spots. That is the only way to balance. He is a funny prof, he calls me Dr. G. which makes me laugh because for the first time in my life I am being called my Dad's name instead of my Mom's. Crazy? Yeah, Crazy.

I got invited to a Toga party! Isn't that just the funniest thing ever? I was so tickled. I told the gal thank you, but I am a little old. She said no one was too old for a toga party. Maybe that is what I will do for John's 50th b'day, throw a toga party. I told her that I was going to a 50th b'day party on Sat night, but thanks. She snarled up her face and looked at me like I was a duck and said, how OLD are you?

Today is a great day. It is cool outside (thus inside my home). My husband is home. We are at our home together. It seems like we haven't done this in a while. He has something to do or I have something to do or we are not here at all but visiting someone. It has been a while. I like long mornings in bed with coffee and reading and a cool breeze.

Has anyone seen my week? I had an extra week lying around here, but I am not sure where it went. I could have sworn it involved a test, a quiz, a paper, a presentation, working, traveling to WV & back again. If you see it would you let me know? I could really use some perspective on how I did in my grades. I would think some thank you notes would be in order for the visit as well too. Let me know who to send those too btw. You know, maybe I should turn in a time sheet too-or a paycheck? I don't know what happened to my week. It was just here. Or there. Mom always tells me to look under my bed. Maybe I can find it there, next to my soccer cleats from tenth grade.