Honesty can sometimes be not such an easy thing for me. Actually, rigorous honesty is down right painful for me. I would rather people think badly of me than tell the truth...sometimes.

We are an undiscplined lot. Only God will discipline us.

Rather than have God discipline us (because last time he sent me a messenger that made me want to be her), this time I got really honest. I got honest with myself. And then, I got honest with someone else.

What was so painful to get honest about? Going and seeing those women who only know me as a mean, nasty drunk. Calling them on the phone and asking them to come to the reunion when everything I remember about myself would not entice anyone to come to a reunion. I was unkind, illmannered and down right mean to women who had either relationship or no relationship with me. If they came through my path, I was aggrivated at either being drunk, not being drunk or wanting to be drunk and not being able to get that way fast enough and as a result, whoever the poor soul that ran into me, got it in the neck.

I remember one time that someone cut up one of my favorite t-shirts and posted scraps of it on my door during my sophomore year. I still don't know who did it or why. I felt victimized and outcasted. I was in tears and terrified that someone was going to eat me. The reality is that I probably did something that warranted a scare. I probably ate someone else.

This is the type of thing I remember. When I volunteered to help with the reunion I would never predict that they would ask me to call women who may not think well of me. Specifically two women who I owe a direct amends. Specifically someone I ate.

I stole a date. And then I blasted the gal whose date I stole, and I blasted her girlfriend who was there to hold her hand. I remember it pretty clearly. I couldn't imagine calling them and saying "Remember me? Won't you come back to see me again?" No way. The longer I mulled it over, the worse the fear got.

Am I willing to make the direct amends? Yes, I am, just not while I am soliciting for my class. It isn't really the right time.

So how did I get honest? I had to tell the head of the committee the truth. Does she know the details of my crimes, no. I told her how afraid I was of calling the list of women and that I owed amends to at least two of them, which I didn't think would be appropriate for me to call. She being the kind woman she has always been, said no problem and that she would take care of it. When I got her reply, I cried.

How did I ever do those things I did? Why would I steal another girl's date at a formal? What on earth was I thinking? I was a horrible, rotten person. I don't remember being raised to be a horrible, rotten person. How did I get to be a horrible, rotten person? I had no God. The only god I understood was one that would destroy me.

But, these women don't know that I have a God today that is all loving, all knowing and all powerful. They don't know that never in my life would I ever consider stealing anything not to mention a date. I would have done what I saw other women doing like going and dancing with friends and then going home to bed. Normal people...

I am really afraid to go back and meet this group of women. Why are reunions so...whatever. Why is it that people return to see others when they were horrible people? Aren't we supposed to remeniscence about good things? I mean, I don't remember good things...well yes I do. But what if they don't?

It doesn't always feel so great when you get honest.