Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's going to rain today.

That seems to be the message for me. I don't like talking to much about the specifics of God. Mostly, I just like the concept behind an ideology that God is love and that is enough. Typically, when I talk about God I refer to him as HP and it doesn't matter how folks refer to Him. Just so that they have Him. However, this weekend is fairly specific and defines the religious beliefs behind a concept of God. I am supposed to come to believe in a power greater than my self and make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. While I have finally come to believe and have made a choice to turn my thoughts and my actions over, I don't really understand Him. Sometimes that is comforting because it defines my existance as a human and not a god of any kind. Sometimes it is frightening because of the magnitude. But somehow after the experience I had last night, today there is a definition to my understanding. I went to a Seder dinner last night with the church I have been visiting. I have been going to Grace Calvary Episcopal Church in Clarkesville. The priest there already knows my name, which I guess is her job, but I don't have the slightest clue as to her name. I run into her all over the place (Subway, Walmart and the flower shop) which I figured was a sign that I was supposed to be listening. She is a decent speaker and I enjoy her sermons. I don't understand all of the pomp and circumstance, but I enjoy the moderate theme that flows through out. The church its self is also beautiful due to its age. It was built at the turn of the last century and it is beautiful... I think I said that. The point is that the church had a Seder dinner in honor of the passover and in honor of Christ's last meal. The meal its self was one of festivity and now I realize the confusion of the disciples. How is it that on this celebratory occasion, the Messiah is so exasberatingly morose? What is it that He knows that we don't? Why is it that he needs this time of prayer and meditation so desperately? While the rest of the church moved in from the festive occasion of celebrating the exodus of Egypt to the Maundy Thursday service in the chapel, I went my own way to talk to the miracles of people I know and talk about God, with out understanding. For some reason my insides said don't go in and perhaps then He won't die. I appreciate the celebration and learned while in the process of having the Seder dinner, however, I was not able to participate in the reminder of death. The woman at the art therapy workshop said that I was angry as a result of a great loss in my life. Now I know that I am truly afraid of facing loss she really didn't need to tell me, but she did, so much so that I couldn't even in a worship service that is nothing more than a reminder of the truth. I realized before I ever came close to leaving the fellowship hall that I would not be able to participate in the rest of the event. Something inside of me even with that dramatic irony, couldn't deal. If there is anything in this world that I hate, it is crying. Not crying because I fell and scraped my knees, not crying because I am happy and laughing. I hate crying because my heart hurts. I hate the emotional pain that occurs as a result of loss. I didn't like losing Laura. I didn't like losing Rufus. I didn't like losing my Aunt Eunice. I didn't like losing First Baptist Church of Decatur. I didn't like losing my high school friends to go to college or my college friends to go to the "real world." I didn't like losing Beth. I didn't like losing my best friend alcohol. I really didn't like losing my Grandmother. All of these things and people are what made me realize that I truly love and with love comes the pendulum swing, pain and loss. Yesterday I realized that I truly loved Christ and I didn't want to participate in the actions that remind me of the loss of Him. While most people cry for loss and go through the motions of berievement, mostly I turn my back and go do something else. I understand that this is not healthy and at some point may have to be addressed in order for me to grow emotionally and spiritually. Today I know that they killed my best friend with malice in their hearts. I can't imagine what I would have done. I am really grateful that I was not in that generation, rather in the generation with which I have been placed so I wouldn't have to experience that kind of pain. I don't know how Mary Magdeline coped. I don't know what is going to happen next, but I am really glad to know the ending of His story which is that He is alive and is still my best friend. I am glad that today I don't have to grieve, rather only to celebrate. I am grateful that He also takes care of all the loss in my life too. I am glad that He has time for me and would show Himself to me first because He knew the amount of pain I was in if I were to be in her position. I am glad He is my best friend and I am glad that He is alive even when we remember His death.