I wrote an essay. Well, I wrote a speech, I think. I am not sure, I have never written a speech. But the essay had repetitive key clauses that makes it sound like someone campaigning rather than someone entering a contest. The contest was for a prize of $125. The poly-sci dept issued it at school. One of the profs gave out extra credit to his students so they would enter it, which means that I have some competition. I didn't think I would have any, but as it is, a few who go for the extra credit, one of which I know, is taking the LSAT, threaten my chances for winning. Whew, smart gal. I don't know that I am that smart, but maybe I can win the contest. And, the money would be nice.

The question for the essay is: With the uncertainty of the upcoming 2008 Presidential election, is it time for: a woman president, a minority presdient, a mormon president?

I think the idea behind the question was to support one of the three and write about it. At the time I started brainstorming for the paper, I was watching the West Wing. This is something I do often. It helps me to write. They speak with the forethought and vocabulary which I like to write. I wish I could speak that way, but I am just now learning how to think before I speak and have only had a couple years practice at it. I still screw that up as a result. I had finished the second season and went to put in the third season. At the beginning of the third season, they perform a 9-11 tribute. It stirs me to watch that particular episode. It is called Isaac & Ishmael. (I might be spelling the names wrong, but you get it.) It directly answers the 9-11 attacks. It amazes me to see this episode. Strangly, as I watched the small play and it shifted my perception. Instead of seeing the question as choosing one candidate and supporting it, I saw it as a yes or no question. I answered yes.

I don't have many opportunities to write my opinions nor do I write well, but I am including the essay because I worked hard on it and I don't know that anyone will read it (outside of the professor judging the contest) and want some feedback. Know now, this is a long blog.

The essay(maybe speech):

Speaking with one voice, people of varied backgrounds filed for their candidacy for election to the Presidential office in 2008. The time for a president of another race, gender, creed is now. The Forefathers of our country created an idea, a foundation for this country, called pluralism. What started as an impetus to freely believe and worship as they chose, now employs the freedom to elect the office of the President of the United States as the people choose. Let the President believe as she wants to believe. Let the President be who he is and not pretend to be someone we want him to be. Let the President not just exercise the freedoms the forefathers created, but represent them. Let the President be elected based on the populace and their representatives. The idea that our country can have a society that embodies diversity on all levels of government stems from the building blocks upon which the writers of the constitutions constructed this country.

Pluralism challenges the people to utilize their free will to know that something new encourages the office of the President to grow stronger on a domestic and global scale. Changing the norm, while it admittedly presents a challenge, has promises of new diplomacy, peace and power. No one likes change. Change is difficult.

Change has been so difficult for the American people - they had to be told twice that people of color had implicit rights as citizens of this country. The first time cultivated a war great enough that more Americans died fighting in it than in any other war. The Civil War divided our nation, fighting over racial liberation. A second revolution through peaceful protests occurred over 100 years later.

Change is so difficult for Americans that it took 72 years to concede in 1920 that the constitution was clearly written to include both genders, that women have equal rights to citizenship as men. As insurance and clarification the nineteenth amendment was ratified. A second revolution occurred hand in hand with the revolution of race. Women began breaking barriers in the work force. The growing pains of this country lasted more than a century.

Change is so difficult for Americans that the founders of this country in 1773 rose against their authorities to fight for the rights to worship God as they chose. Looking for a new life, a new perspective, knowing that the end result would mean revolution and independence, to choose as they wanted, they went to war. This war, the American Revolution, which lasted for eight years, led to freedom of religion. As reinforcement that the efforts of these men, who fought so diligently and victoriously, would not be in vain, they founded a guiding principle of separation of church and state. This principle allows us to freely practice religion as stated in the First Amendment in the Bill of Rights.

Shifting perception can be a magnanimous event when it comes to convincing 300 million people. Luckily, the shift has begun. The voice of the people can be heard with the listing of the candidates. The people are ready. The people are ready to handle the change commanded by Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Benjamin Franklin.

These candidates embrace the possibilities available to them through the rebellion of the monarchy in 1776. Standing from their podiums, they shout at the top of their lungs that which you would counter at the top of yours. They are qualified, they are knowledgeable, and they are the essence of the populace voice. The candidates present opinions and solutions to issues that affect the heart and soul of this nation. With tenor, rhythm and pitch they stand heads tall convincing one person at a time the egregiousness of the necessity to vote. Listen to their voice and find one that is agreeable and vote.

In these days of the uncertainty of the coming national election, weighted issues persuade the candidates to voice their answer to the failures of the current administration. The “war on terror” falls short of the promised success in its initial campaign. These failures have generated its greatest weapon, propelling the people to act for change in their leadership. Armed with the same intentions of the Americans from over 200 years ago, the candidates thrive on their diversity. The failures of the current administration promote the pluralistic draw of contenders for the next chance at Commander in Chief. Side by side they stand to be elected, which in turn infuriates the Islamic extremists. Unknowingly, the Bush administration may accomplish exactly what it set out to do: strengthen and protect the country. To win this war, the time for a president of a different gender, race or creed is now.

Change is imminent. Change is difficult. Change is now.

There is a strange thing happening at school. The students are studying. Now, I know this may not seem odd to so many of you who have had a true college experience, but I haven't. The first test season is now in play (mine is not for another week and a half, but others are not as lucky). It lasts from now until the first week of October. There are students everywhere in the hallways, common areas, libraries and they are studying. Some of them look haggard from staying up late last night. Others are skipping a non-tested class in order to study for a testing class. They are in groups and individually wrapped around English, Finance, History, Economics. Some have even coaxed a tutor into helping them study.

The A students though are not studying like this. They have all been studying all along. They have been reading the chapters, reviewing notes everyday. They know the material already. That nervous studying that is going on with the non-A students makes the A students roll their eyes as though to say, where have y'all been? We've been in study mode all along. A students get to class early. They carry the appropriate book for the class. They don't skip classes for any reason. Most importantly, they are not frightened when they enter a testing class. They know the material. They test themselves everyday on the material. They can discuss the material critically in a discussion using correct definitions, key concepts and core principles. Who cares about a test, they are educated.

You know what I have been thinking for the past several hours as I walk through the hallways and common areas? Where have y'all been.

Acconting is bending my mind. Did you know that assets are a debit? They are a positive debit. Did you know that expenses are a debit--see that one makes sense, but wait-they are a positive debit. Liabilities on the other hand are a positive credit. So is owner's equity (capital). Accounting is trying to shift my perception. Ignore everything you know about credits and debits, my accounting teacher says. He is not a Dr.. He is a CPA. He is a gospel singing, West Virginian country lovin', right wing conservative republican. He wears his Sunday best every class. He could be on one of those Christian Network shows, except he would be teaching accounting.

Assets Dr+ Cr-
Liabilities Cr+ Dr-
O/E Cr+ Dr-
Revenue Cr+ Dr-
Expenses Dr+ Cr-

A=L+O/E

Now I have learned new things since I have come to this college, but none as difficult as this. Although, wanting to be an accountant means that this idea has to be second nature to me. If I look like a pretzel at the end of this sememster it will be because of beginning accounting.

I got the Snickers! Finally. I have a professor who teaches an 8 am Macro Econ course who is a very bland orator. His voice is pretty close to monotone and he loses volume at the end of his sentences which makes him sound as though he is mumbling. He is really deliberating, but it comes across as mumbling. He does wierd things like bangs on the desks arbitrarily to wake the dead--rather wake the sleeping in the class. If I were a traditional college student with no drive or clarity in direction for my life, the class would be hard for me to stay awake in too. As it is, I am always awake at 8 am on any day and I want an A. So I listen, take notes, drink lots of coffee. Another impetus to listen is the snickers bar. I don't know that I will eat the thing. It was just that I hadn't gotten one yet. He tosses snickers bars out to the people in the class who answer his questions correctly. I have been so busy taking notes that I have not found a successful strategy to answer a question and take notes. Today I found it: talk and take notes at the same time, but watch out for the throw. He asked a question and my head coordinated my mouth to open in an almost involuntary way and answer the question. Although, I was still jotting things down as he began the toss of the Snickers Bar. It was a quick glance that I realized I was being rewarded. Unfortunately, he only gives one bar per person. I was able to execute my new found tactic several other times, alas, no extras. There is a maximum. Now there is a quiz on the material that I have to take tonight. I hope that I can get another A. My last quiz was an A. He drops the worst three quizzes and doubles the highest two. I am not sure how this balances out, but I am sure he knows how it works, which is more important. I was begining to believe I would never get a Snickers even though I know the answers to all the questions. Whew, finally.

There' s nothing like being Mrs. Kahle. When I say that name out loud, I always think of John's Mama. But officially, as of yesterday and the Social Security Administration of the United States, I am Mrs. Kahle. My driver's liscence says so too. Strangly, I changed my name on my liscence but my renewal date is the same. They didn't harge me for it though.

My first duties as wife to a tenant farmer was to tend to cows. Yes, cows. Calfs actually. We had a dead calf on the farm yesterday morning. They sometime contract a disease called black leg. They get it from the dirt. Cows, as it turns out, don't just eat grass. Sometimes they eat dirt on purpose. It has minerals in it that they need to stay healthy. However, for the calfs, it is life threatening when not vacinated. Thus, dead calf. The cows, when they lose a calf, holler. They don't holler when the calf dies. So it is hard to know when one is dead until they are gross. So this morning, the other calfs recieved shots for black leg. We are not sure that is what the other calf died of, but it is better safe than sorry. Eight calfs, eight shots. Papa Bud and John rounded up the herd and seperated out the calves. I rounded up the vaccine and syringes. I also handled the dogs otherwise they like to play with the calfs. Finally the calfs are caroused into the chute. I hand the loaded syringes to John, who shot the calf and painted it. You paint the calf so you don't shoot it twice.

Now I know it seems like I didn't do much. I sure didn't break a sweat or wade through cow manure. My husband was DISGUSTING when he finally got done and let the calfs out. He had sweat, dirt, manure all over him. Bleck. So he trapsed in and immediately took a shower. I sat down to blog and then, I could smell it. I smelled like cow. I smelled like icky, sticky gross cow. It was in my hair, a thin layer on my skin. whew. It was aweful. So I was next in the shower. I would have to say, I am officially Mrs. Kahle via the United States and the farm.

I have A's in all my classes as of this week. What does that mean? It means that I have only one class that has not given me a grade at all and won't except for an exam, so all the other classes the work I have turned in is an A. In English (two quizzes and team minutes plus two extra credit visits to the writing lab), I have an A. In Econ I (one quiz and participation), I have an A. In Management (three journals, class participation, one paper, three team meetings), I have an A. In Accounting (two homeworks), I have an A. Econ II, no assignments yet. I only have exams in that class. No extra credit either. Yeah, when he said that as he was giving out the syllabus, half the class dropped out. Wimps. I have all A's. Beat that with a stick. Hopefully it will stay that way. Time to study for my next quizz in English. She gives a quizz every class. So I go to the writing lab every class too. That way I am a point ahead. I want to do what Grace does and make 105 in the class. hahahahhaa.....105 in a college course that's funny.

I am supposed to teach fifth and sixth graders about the Armor of God tomorrow. I wish I could teach them about the amour of God. Alas, it is not to be. The passage is as follows:

Finally. to be strong in the Lord and in the strength fo his power. Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may stand against the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but it is against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places. Therefore, take on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that evil day, and having done everything, stand firm. Stand therefore and fasten the belt of truth around your waist and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these, take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arows of the evil one. Take the helment of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit in all times in every prayer and supplication. Pray also for me so that when I speak, a message may be given to me to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it boldly.

Ephesians 6:10-20

Yeah--spiritual warfare and sixth graders. Somehow that baffles me. They will be shaped by the ideas that I am teaching them and you want me to talk about the devil to sixth graders. How do I know that the devil hasn't already repented and asked God's forgiveness? How do I explain that there is a fight going on that we can not hear or see that is going on to steal our souls when we are dead. Both sides want the soul. Both sides don't get to keep it. Which will you choose? Yeah, I didn't like it when they taught me about it in ninth grade at Gatlinburg, I am not really sure these kids will like it at sixth grade. Especially since they are Episcopalians and this is really Baptist material: wear your armor of be taken by the devil. Yipe. It sounds even scarier out loud. In the good fashion of being a West Wing watcher, I am going to spin it.

I think rather than giving them the whole passage, I am only going to give them the armor of God part. All the devil's fight, I am going to spinout. I think we can talk about how to use the armor in our world (ie we wear the breastplate of righteousness: do the next right thing; belt of truth: we don't lie; etc). I think they can grasp the good versus evil part. We talked about that a little last year in Narnia and all of them have read Harry Potter so that's an easy analogy. Then we can talk about how we use the spiritual tools in the world so as to represent Christian values. That sounds a bit more like it. If I had had someone say hey, we tell the truth, we make ourselves ready for the day and what the world will throw at us by taking God with us through out our days, I might have not been so offended or freaked out as a youngster. They are 11. At eleven I was worried about whether or not my brother was going to get the remote on Saturday mornings when we watched cartoons. When I was eleven I was excited about being chosen as a patrol. When I was eleven, I thought my strings teacher was stupid. When I was eleven there was a lunar eclipse that we got to go out and see during our library period and all the teachers were afraid that we would look at the sun and burn out our eyes. When I was eleven I was sad that this was the last weekend the pool would be open and it meant that School was really back in session. When I was eleven, I wasn't gearing up to fight the devil. The Devil? I mean come on...that is a really big deal. I mean God is a hard enough concept to grasp, but His arch enemy? And He wants me to be ready to fight against something playing at God's level when I am eleven? I just want to run the Labor Day race with my Dad, my brother and Uncle Carter and his girls.

I hope I can teach this lesson tomorrow. It overwhelms me.

It's happening. It's all happening.

I am getting a callous on my finger from so much writing. I write my book notes. I write my class notes. I write my flash cards. I write the minutes for team meetings. I used to get knots in my hands from using a mouse or typing, but the thing about college is that while everything is different, nothing is different. The kids have laptops, cell phones in class, ipods, coach hand bags...can you imagine giving a $500 bag to an eighteen year old? I don't even feel responsible enough and I am much more than eighteen. But no one uses the lap tops in class. They all use pens and notebooks. I figured it would be like Elle at Harvard. Nope, pens, paper, notebooks and text messaging under the desk. The new way to pass notes to the friend--who happens to be across campus.

GT plays at 3:30 on Saturday. In the spirit of nothing changing, I am inviting friends over to watch the game and am going to grill out. No beer though. Beer will be the thing that changes. NotreDame. There was a cool go-get-em article about Tech offense today. It made me more excited about having satellite.

I have my first day off from school on Monday: Labor Day. Whew. That means that I can get way ahead. That will be different. I will actually remember the semester. That will be WAY different.

Don't make any major changes in the first year, but change your whole life. Yep, I have done this before.

I am sick. I have been in denial about my sickness now for about four days. Today I finally fessed up and went to Wally World to buy some sickness fighting medicine. I kept trying to believe that I was allergic, but yesterday really aweful things started to kick in like muscle exhaustion, headache and that ickiness, you know the one that comes with a cold. Now my brother will read this and think he is sick too, but for me, I have to be ssssssssiiiiiiicccckk before I am actually sick. There is a theory that what we demonstrate we are. I put a lot of faith in this theory. So thusly, I am never sick because I demonstrate health. But lately, that has been the farthest thing from my mind. I have been studying and eating healthy and studying. I forgot to stay healthy. It might be because of stress as they say: stress weakens the immune system: thusly, I am sick. I have been stressed. It is hard to eat two and a half cups of vegetables a day when I have been a kid who refuses to eat vegetables. It is hard to be a student who is sober who has been drunk all my academic career. It is hard to practice grown up behaviors when I have only been a grown up for a few years. I sometimes wish I had more experience at it, but I am doing my best with what I have: thus, I am sick. Luckily, the sick fighting medicine is powerful stuff and I am able to function very well on them. I am still very tired, but hopefully my cold will only last for seven to ten days like they say, which means I have three to six days left.

Ugh...I thought Carter was supposed to be the one who gets sick. Ugh... I am sick.

Ainsley Hayes is still my favorite character next to Leo on the West Wing. Mmm...well Josh, or maybe Donna. No, Ainsley Hayes. She was only on for a little while and was totally irreplaceable. She is smart and savvy with debate. She is firm in her convictions and unapologetically quirky. She is educated, elegant and eloquent. And to boot, she is southern. Her ability to endear herself despite her late introduction to the ensemble was done so convincingly that she is immediately commented on when she is not in an episode. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Long blonde hair, educated, autonomous, respected by her peers and grateful of her blessings. Mee tooo.....

I was able to convey myself clearly & concisely in class today without sounding arrogant or abusive. That is not something that I do well, but considering that I haven't spoken to anyone on campus until today, I had the ability to organize my thought process and speak with thinking as opposed to the other option, which I tend towards. Thank goodness someone finally spoke to me. I was begining to believe I had lost my touch. But this young man who was awkward and thin, but had a very obvious awareness of himself, asked me if this is where accounting was and struck up a conversation with me. Turns out he is in one of my econ classes too. Then out of nowhere a young girl joined the conversation. She like me so much, she came into the class and sat right next to me. I was so glad she did, I offered her a stick of gum. Then because this young guy and girl were talking to me another guy started talking to me too...It was like a full fledge social circle. I was so grateful! I was begining to think no one would ever talk to me. Thank you God. I needed an affirmation. TO BOOT, this guy in my english class came in and said he'd been following me around for the past two days. I was surprised. I sit at the front of the class so I don't ever see anyone behind me. He is all of my classes except one. HA. Turns out he is a really cool old person like me. He is 29 and loves a woman in Korea which is why he is so late getting his degree. Isn't that cool? I got to talk to people today. I hope that happens tomorrow too.

I am so tired from being excited about school. Not that I am tired of school. I am not tired of being excited. The excitement is wearing me out. I am physically tired. Yeah, so early to bed for me.

It feels like highschool. Or maybe that is the only thing I have to relate to because that was the last time there were boys in class with me. It is strange to see them in the classroom. It has been so long. Although, the classes are packed with people. That is strange too. At ASC the "big" courses were 20 people. Both of my econ courses have 40-45 people. The army is something strange too. There is an unfamiliarity with fatigues that is terrifying. Then there is the turnover from one class to the other that reminds me of the bells ringing at Avondale High. They would ring and everyone would shift. The same is true here but there are no bells. The same cliques exist: black, hippies, slackers (which sometimes blends into the hippies), military, greek, drama/musicians (they are so easy to spot), the geeks, the beauty queens, the jocks. There is one guy who has walked around all day with goofy/hip shorts on and a golf club: gee wonder what sport he plays! It is so like highschool. And in good fashion, on the first day of school, we have done almost nothing.

I am taking two econ courses that one of the profs owned up that they are almost the exact same course. The prof are the only people that have introduced themselves to me all day. I thought maybe I was supposed to intoduce myself, so I joined a conversation behind me before the second class started and was politely rebuffed. They all have their friends already and I'm so much older than everyone else. The guys all hold the doors open all the time and I say thank you (something else I am not used to, outside of my husband opening doors) and they say "yes ma'am." If my professors call me ma'am, I'll just die. I have a feeling this will be a lonely trek. Maybe not.

I am taking two econ courses that one of the profs admitted that both courses were almost exactly the same. The first prof (an obvious NGA prof)was jovial and prepared for it being the first day. He didn't talk about anything and assumed that no one had read the book. The other one is a uga professor and teaches so abstractly, that I was the only one who took notes. He talked about the entire first chapter, but I guess I was the only one who had read it already and could pick up on the concepts he was tossing around the room. There were a lot of people who were totally in the dark. Did I mention that it was like highschool? Except the grading is drastic. The text is simplistic. The exams are multiple choice...I hope I can remember how to take one of those. They were outlawed at ASC: all blue books. There are quizzes and extra credit in the NGA prof and no extra anything in the UGA prof's class. UGA doesn't even care if you come to class. Uga also doesn't care if you pass or not. NGA prof actually wanted to know your name. Thank goodness the UGA prof is in the middle of the day b/c otherwise, I'd fall asleep.

Then there's the army. There is nothing about them that is normal. Every young cadet is in the sand motif fatigues. When I go to get a bit of something from the student center, they are yelling on the drill field. They are polite. They are concise. They are respectful. They do not hug girls like the commuter boys do. They might sit with a girl, but no touching. I keep waiting to see weapons. But there are none. There are just hats and badges. They salute each other in passing which just about made me stumble as I was gawking while walking.

Different life I am living today than I was living when I on Monday. Different life.

I am a fully registered, book bought student. AND I still have some cash left over. Who would guess? I have been studying for about an hour now and did you know that economics is the science of scarcity and how the individual and society deals with that scarcity? Yeah, I am not even through the first chapter. I feel like I should get a head start seeing as I have two, not one, but two econ courses back to back tomorrow.

Registration was crazy. There were no lines, everything was done online. Advisement was everywhere in the computer lab. There were only about 30 of us who didn't pre-register for Business. Registration is broken down by departments now. I was expecting to run to a professor here there and yonder to get things signed off * then go register at an open hall somewhere with the registrar's office. But nope. It was all in a computer lab: registration & professors all together. I had one professor recommended me one way and another one say, well, I wouldn't do that. So it is a 50-50 shot as to whether it was the right decision on my courses.

I was the first person at the advisement/registration seminar this morning. I received kudos from one prof and my husband reminded me that I wouldn't have made it had it not been for him...did I mention that he makes me coffee everymorning? Yes, I would have made without him, but he does provide great incentive to get up and go in the morning. It is a much better incentive than say, a hangover. I also had one prof who laughed at me the whole time because she would say: this has changed, but you don't care you have a degree; well you need this, but you don't care, you have a degree; can you take this?of course you can, you have a degree. Then another prof would say: "Weren't you the first person here this morning? You need more attention." But the reality is that I was also the first registered out of the dept. I was done by 8:49 am. But I really confused them by showing back up later on around ten. I needed a printer to print out my parking info, so I went where I knew one was. The guy who came in second this morning was still way out in left field when I left to go buy my parking pass which was the last thing for the day. He handed out kudos for being so efficient.

Okay-I think we got that cleared up-nothing effects me (including financial aid) because...I have a degree. I did get a copy of my ASC transcript-uh, yeah that was embarrassing. I can't remember some of the courses I took. I thought I only had one D, in Calculus, but not so much. No wonder my Dad was crying at graduation. It was AMAZING that I graduated. You can really tell which semesters I drank heavily. It is pathetic. But...that doesn't effect me, because I have a degree. My new GPA is 0-0 until I take a test. Clean slate. Nice.

I am studying for Economics. Who would think? I am taking Econ2105 & 06, Acct 2101, Eng 2238 & Mgmt 3361. It sounds really heavy, but mostly just the books are. I paid $600 in books. Thank goodness I had a book voucher for them. I still forked out some of my own money, but nothing too bad. There is only one book for Econ so I saved a penny or two on that one. I only have two books that are used. Hopefully they will all sell back. That would be way cool.

Gosh, I love being a student. It is so invigorating. Back to studying.

Today I did something I have never done before: played hookey. I have always felt obligated as well instill by the rents, to go to work or school or follow through with plans if they are made. This is something I learned a long time ago. We are not lazy. We do not just not go to work. That isn't how it works. But I know that people do it all the time. Seniors play hookey on one specific day to go to Six Flags or folks lay out of work to go to the pool as a "day off". Outside of real holidays or planned vacations, it seems that I have never had the ability to just not go to work. So today I did. I went to work, tied up the loose ends (it IS my last day) and zipped off to the lake. I met up with Sherry and we took off to lay out and talk and catch up to do nothing. It was wonderful. I thought I would feel harried that I didn't go back once we were done catching rays, but nope. I am full of excitement of my next new venture. I am going to school tomorrow. Hurray. I am tickled pink. I drove home from the lake thinking, whew. I get to do something that is all for me. I get to improve my being and not ever take a lousy job again. From here on out I can just be me. I will actually have another degree when I am done: BBA, bachelors in business administration with a concentration in accounting. I will have a trade. Thank goodness. No more hunting or pecking to find out what I can or can't do. I have direction. I have purpose. Wow, that is fulfilling.

It doesn't come by the bullwhip,
It's not persuaded with your hands on your hips and its
Not the company of gunslingers
The epicenter love is the pendulem swinger
She is, She is.....

There is nothing about me that isn't about a pendulum swinging. I do not change by pain. I do not move by discipline. I do not change on penalty of death. I change because that is what I do. I do seek God. I do seek that balance, that serenity that comes with faith. I am not mixed up inside. Yet I am getting ready to change again.

I started on this journey a long time ago. Initially it was as a result of finding out that my degree qualifies me to have a degree and not much more. I was crushed to find out that while I was definitely a student, I was not the best student. Of course I was a drunk student and didn't know it. I still wanted to go on and get more schooling. It was a desire even when I was still drinking. I used to tell people that I was going to go to Ga State to get a masters in abnormal psych or forensics so that I could one day work for an investigation unit of some kind. Unfortunately, I was paralyzed by my drinking and not even able to get out of bed in the morning to even begin to gather information on the idea not to mention do anything other than drink enough to stop the nausea and shakes. Then I stopped drinking and found out that my perception of myself was...warped. I am capable, if I am sober. So now I am sober and I wanted to go back to school.

Being a good pendulum that I am, I looked into law; into nursing; into teaching. Nothing fit. Nothing seemed like something I might be capable of-even without the drink. My desire manifested into my application under the premise of nursing. Seemed reasonable enough and the state is paying folks to get their rns. My life swung right out of that one. Money, property and prestige diverted me from my purpose aka a good looking job. So here I am swinging back into school. This time without any of the aboves as an attempted school ambition. This time I enter with the hopes of accounting. I don't know if it is the right thing. I do know that I am supposed to be there. I am able to be a student. This time I will be a sober student. Hopefully that means I will be an A student instead of a C+ student. There is a definite chance as long as I don't take a drink.

Three more days and I will change. I will go from working girl to student. Pendulum swinging.

There is something to waiting. It can be very painful if there are high expectations. At that point the waiting changes to anticipation. I am slowly but surely waiting on classes at NGSCU. The registration is onTuesday and the classes start on Wednesday. Each day there is something to do. All of it is the action of waiting. First there was the immunization. There was seven days of waiting in that. Then there was the student loans. There was two days in waiting. Then the computer. That was a long waiting because it was double. There was the waiting on the delivery and the waiting on the school. It was hard. My husband even participated in waiting for the computer for two days. It didn't arrive on time so the waiting was even harder. Luckily the matching wireless mouse came a day early and arrived with the computer which eliminated a day of waiting. Then there is the deposit check for enrollment that will be returned after ten days of classes with no drops. Whoa, that means I have to wait into the school year. That means that part of my waiting will actually be taking classes. But it is necessary as a connecting puzzle piece. So that makes it a transitory waiting. Along with everything else, I wait until my job is done. My last day is the day of registration. So waiting for school is also waiting to quit. How coincidental that waiting would be overlapped so well. And here all this time I thought waiting was about service to a table and it's really just about life.

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Farm life is hot. There is no ac at the farm which means that when it is hot, it is hot. There are fans and they really are uninteresting once the heat reaches a certain level. Although, now I understand what the Sistas felt in the Divine secrets as they lay in their hammocks on their front porches and smelled of sweat and powder. What's worse is that there is no ac at work either. They sent people out to fix it and nothing happened. They will have to cut in a new duct and they don't want to so they never showed back up.

The cows all hide underneath one tree next to the fence line when it is hot like this. They also go down to the creek and just stay there. That is the two places they cling to when it gets like this. It is amazing. My dogs live in the creek. I have decided they need gils. They come up to the house when I come home and are soaking wet with mud and strange things attached to them from the river. The horse doesn't seem to notice. Although he is grey with sweat which is different because normally he is white. Then there is the donkey and he just hides in the cows.

Did you know that I started talking at 4 months? Learned that last night from my Mom. She was looking through the old baby book and found that my first word was DADADADADADA at four months. That's awesome. I have never heard of a person talking at 4 months. I said bye-bye at 71/2 months. That's awesome.

Its hot, hot, hot.

Today was a testing day. It was the second day in a row I tried to get my immunization records in order to register for school. People are telling me no over and over and over. It is wearisome to not lose my temper, yell at someone, cry. I am not sure why it is so difficult to prove that I have been immunized, but it is. How do they do this in a courtroom? Prove, prove, prove...

There is a tool that I have learned how to use a long time ago. I only use it in times of complancency or aggrivation. Typically, I am in action of gratitude. As a result I don't have to drink anymore. But sometimes when I lose that gratitude, I have to actually act it out: a list. I write a list of things that I am grateful for in order to alleviate frustration and thoughts of hopelessness.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

a mini-marathon of Law & Order on TNT
the Braves gaining a whole game on the penant race
not having any embarrassing film on me from Woodstock
reading all seven Harry Potters
having a goal to which I can work towards: CPA
watching the shuttle go up on tv with my husband
that Sherry's home from vacation
being able to read
having a foundation in a faith that is comforting, overwhelming, and miraculous
mighty mikey
coffee my husband brings me every morning
black snakes not in my house
my family
my new computer that will be here on the 15th
credit to buy the computer
my bills being paid
student loans
new indigo girls cd bought with bday gc


Not really all that frustrated any more. What are you grateful for?

We thank then the O Father, for all things bright and good,
The seedtime and the harvest, our life, our health, our food,
No gifts have we to offer for all thy love imparts,
But thou which thou desirest, our humble thankful hearts!

All Good Gifts around us,
Are sent from Heaven above,
Then thank the Lord, Oh Thank the Lord,
For all his Love...

Our readings for our service today were from Hosea 11:1-11; Psalm 107:1-9,43; Colossians 3:1-11 and Luke 12:13-21. Our associate priest gave the sermon and he is also a chaplain at a local college. He took the perspective that these lessons were about wealth. And I guess to some respect they are. He spoke specifically on Luke. He started out with sibilings will be sibilings and how wealth could seperate a family faster than anything. He said that wealth gives the human perception that there is security, prestige and self: who you are. He said that Christ was looking at it as what you can give. He did mention that poverty was not a virtue nor was wealth a sin. He also mentioned that 16 of the 38 parables that Christ taught were on possessions. He closed with a story of a woman in Mississippi who had nothing all her life giving $150K to a college for black children to have scholarships. I found his message noble and seeing as the church is in the habit of raising money, slightly bias. I also felt like he missed the point.

I thought the first lesson was on God calling his rebellious children of Israel, who were committing idolotry to Baals, to him without using force, but rather mercy. The second lesson, a psalm and gradual, was a psalm of thanks for that mercy. The third, the epistle of Paul, was a teaching of what children of God should do: seek things that are above, where Christ is...set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth...put to death therefore, whatever in you is earthly:...greed (which is idolotry). The fourth and gospel is Christ, again God talking to his people through a human manifestation saying: so it is with those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich toward God. The line on these passages was that God wants us to have a relationship with Him. Do what He asks. Come when we are called. Do not fear. He is not going to punish us for our poor behavior rather teach us what is good and right. Then we are to do these things. Christ tells us (which is one of the things we say at every service): Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Why is that such a scary thing for us to do? Why is it that we believe that if we do as we are told as children of God that we will be punished? Or maybe we fear for selfish reasons: not getting what we want or losing what we have. Why is it that we want for worldly things? BECAUSE. Because we are not God. We only have a piece of God when we believe and listen to that still, small voice.

Do Not Fear. Why do we fear? Because we are human. God will not punish us because we are human. He created us. He made us flawed. He will forgive us. All we have to do is ... is... ask. All we have to do is ask. He tells us to have faith. So if we ask, he will give us faith. And we never have to fear again. Look towards Godly things not worldly things. Seek and do God's will. He is telling us to join Him. We are to seek and do God's will.

The passage is not about wealth and gifts, it is about recognizing that wealth doesn't matter at all. It is worldly and we are to look for the non-worldly. We are to do things that are what our Father asks of us. We are to practice with all essence of the word in all aspects of our being: humility.

Maybe I should write my associate pastor a letter... or maybe his goal was to raise church funds for the whatever goal they are into achieving these days. I don't pay attention to church finances. There is a guy in our church who is the president of a bank that does that. I just tithe. That is my part.

How did he miss that? We are to seek & do God's will.

Last post July 12...wow.

I went on vacation for the month of July. I think I got lost. I know that I had a birthday or two and went on vacation, but I don't recall the rest of the month....my husband got fired from his job. That was aweful. But the month is just gone. No recollection of it at all. I didn't even write down in my check book for two weeks. Do you know how hard it is to keep a running tally in your head when you are estimating? Luckily, I have done all that this week. I actually balanced my check book and was only off by $3--woohoo. Managed to get that corrected and tidied up. I wrote in my journal trying to recount the month of July and it turns out I did do a few things:

I decided that just because my husband was fired, it didn't mean that I was or that it would have to impede my ability to continue my job.

I went on a paid vacation for the second time as an adult to the beach. It was great fun with Grace & Cooper & Sherry. I saw dolphins, sanddollars, shells and read the entire new Harry Potter (yeah, in three days). Rested up to discover that I can still go back to school if I want to.

Decided that I did want to go back to school, that I didn't want to be a nurse. Think that I am a good bookkeeper and have decided that maybe I could do something with a CPA. We shall see.

I bought a computer. It will be my first ever personal computer. It is my ASC class color of RED. If I can find a wonder woman sticker to put on it, I will.

And I returned to work to find a mess that needed lots of attention and found myself rested and ready to go back.

Tid bit thoughts for blogging that happened during my lost month:

NPR interviewed a man at the finish line of the Tour de France and asked him his opinion about the doping that seems to be common place in the bikers: he said he couldn't see how these men would accomplish the race without the dope. This seems to be the perspective that people are having on the Barry Bonds thing to: who wouldn't use substances to advance. I am sure you understand why I scratch my head. I have been told that I would be arrested for a felony if I drank and drove. But if I am a baseball player or a bike rider, I can operate on a daily basis for carreer advancement on drugs and it is okay? it is expected? Now I could be wrong, but didn't people win the Tour de France without drugs 100 years ago? Did Hank Aaron use drugs? I mean get real.

Why is it that these people are knowingly using drugs and they don't get arrested? Because they are legal drugs? Cattle hormones are legal? So is a beer, so is nicotine, but if I were to light a cigarette in a Georgia restaurant, I would be arrested for smoking in a legally binding non-smoking facility. So why is it that these athletes are allowed. Why is it expected? Nonsense.

Some other thoughts were on Harry Potter maddness and who knows what else.

I missed the whole month of July. That is amazing.

Mama said there'd be days like this,
There'd be days like this,
My Mama said...

So I want to quit my job. Once again. I am really good at my job. I mean, I am really good at this job, but the people. Man, the people. They are as sick as the day is long. They act up, misbehave, are immature, crazy nitwits. Yes, this includes my husband at this point in my processing of emotion. Can ya tell I'm still smarting from today? Because I am. Have I talked to Michelle, no, I haven't. Do I know what the right thing to do is? Sortof. I think the right thing to do is not to do anything at all. I think the right thing to do is to call in sick tomorrow so I can calm down, take the time to find out what God wants me to do. If there are no thunderclouds or loud booming voices, I will just have to pray. And wait. (or some people call it meditating) I might have to go see a Harry Potter movie too. But that would be more about escape than about prayer or meditation.

Mom & Dad say go back to work like a big girl. Suck it up buttercup as my husband says. Maybe I am sick. Sick in the head and need to get better. Drama, drama, drama. I swear.

Maybe it is just one of those days. Like the song says.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, Mama says those days come too.

"Travel lightly, remember your purpose, offer peace"

This was the message this morning that Dena gave. It was based on the gospel reading: Luke 10:1-11,16-20. When I heard her read the passage (the lectors read old testament & letters to Paul, priest reads the gospel), I thought whoa, lotsawords. Her synopsis was on par for that section. Although I don't remember reading that in Luke. I remember the passage in Matthew that is more common place: Go ye therefore into all nations...evangelism is something I am not all that fond of because of some of the ways I have been exposed to it. I didn't grow up in a church of hell, fire and brimstone. If I did, I missed that part. I feel like I was taught that God is good. God is love. And sometimes things happen that we can't explain which is why we are not God and God is God. Generally, when I find someone come along and "WITNESS" to me, I find them immediately repugnant and henceforth keep my distance. There is an addiction that comes with religion for some people. It isn't pretty. Being raised the way I was raised makes me highly sensitive to the spiritually sick. I liked Dena's message because it sounded like the kind of evangelism I could participate in. Travel lightly, remember your purpose and offer peace. I like Christ because he keeps things simple. He didn't say go out and konk people over the head and tell them to be Christian or that they need to be a "better" Christian. It is about attraction not promotion. It is a healthy religion. Not one of violence or condemnation or judgement. That's my kind of spirituality.

Was formally asked to be a Daughter of the King today. It seems like my kind of spirituality too. It is an order of women in the Episcopal church that pray, study and worship to strengthen spiritual growth among themselves, their parish and their community. I can pray for people. It is one of the few services I am able to give. There is a three month process to go through before I would become a daughter, but I have been in great need of a group of women who study the Bible. I have prayed for that for a long while. These women all seem very wise, although they are also very old. They are recruiting younger women to continue their chapter. I think they would be good spiritual mentors. My kind of spirituality. They would teach me how to travel lightly, help me to remember my purpose as I went out to offer peace. My kind.

Happy Fourth!

Don't buy a fifth on the third for the fourth.

In celebration of all those have an opinion about politics, religion or any other damn thing they want to opinionate about, have a great day honoring the country you live in that gives you that right to be opinionated. I celebrated mostly on Saturday at Lake Burton. There were fireworks that were better than any other fireworks in the country up there, in my opinion. There was a bag pipe player who while we were waiting on the display to begin played America the Beautiful and everyone cheered. Then there was a million dollar home that played Fanfare for the Common Man by Aaron Copeland and everyone stopped and looked stupid because everyone thought that was the theme for the Olympics, why would they play that for the Fourth of July display? Uneducated rats. I should have jumped off the boat. I was the only person on our boat who knew why that piece was significant. No one else could even identify it as the Olympic Theme. I felt different from all of them and was ready to go hangout with my study partner from ASC who we both laughed out loud when our professor played Rodeo as the first piece on our final exam. Beef its whats for dinner. It takes a special person to laugh at a music because we know what it is not because we studied but because it is a basis for our very being. Music flows in every ounce of my body. I hate silence, unless it is scored that way. Play me something that will make my heart rise in my chest and make me proud. Play me something that makes me feel like I am soaring on clouds. Play me something that makes me cry. Play me something that makes me laugh out loud. Play me something that makes me sing, with my windows down, sun on my face and moves me from this earth elsewhere.

Anyone who does not have something like that in their life is missing out on life, in my opinion. My parents are players and conductors of music. My brother is a singer. I am a listner, for now. I used to be a player. I used to be so moved when I played something well. Although, as soon as I get a piano again, I will too participate in that music. John & I are going to look for one today. I think music is one of the best things my parents gave me. That and an intimate look at faith. Turns out the two are intertwined.

Listen to your favorite American musician today. That's the best way to celebrate the Fourth of July, in my opinion. God Bless America.

Birthdays are funny things. I remember celebrating like crazy as a kid. I had a barbie birthday, a coca-cola birthday, a hey I'm three birthday. Today I had an Ann Taylor birthday. I figure if we are going to have labels for the birthdays...I was in the midst of a crazy sale and bought two pairs of pants and five tops for under $100 bucks. Can't beat that with a stick. That is what my husband got me for my birthday. My brother got me a double disk set of Les Miserable and a cool Wonder Woman card. My parents sent me a singing chickens e-card. My girlfriend LAA sent me a card and my Mother-in-law sent me a dollar for every year I am old and I got $30 bucks! I am 31. HA! Isn't that funny?

I have never been as overwhelmed with work and hospitals as I was this week. On Monday John and I planned to go see Martha Jean at Northside as she had a scheduled surgery. Then over the weekend my pal Nicky managed to land on his head in the water and lost feeling in most of his extremities which incurred another surgery. Just for kicks my boss decided to have a heartattack. So in twenty four hours on Monday flowing into Tuesday, John and I were at three hospitals, which if your curious as to how that happens at the farm, it means LOTS of driving. We drove to Gainesville. We drove to Atlanta. We drove to Athens. In 24 hours. Monday was almost an 24-hour awake day as we were at Gainesville until four in the morning. That is hard on a body that is almost 31 years old. I used to do it all the time without batting an eye, but it crushed me this week. I am still tired. Well, not so much today. I was tired until yesterday. Then all week was work until 7 or 730 pm. whew. I didn't think I was going to make it to Saturday. Turns out that all three people are sorta okay. Mama Jean is home. Nicky is home and has feeling back. My boss...well my boss is crazy so I don't know that he will ever be okay. Yes, he knows I think he's crazy. This is not news to anyone. I took my job knowing how crazy he was!

I am excited today because John and I have been invited to fireworks. Not just any fireworks, Lake Burton fireworks. I know that Lenox Mall thinks they have it going on with fireworks, but Lake Burton has twice as much money as Lenox and the only thing they spend it on is the fireworks which makes it spectacular. The keenest part is that you are on a boat in the middle of a lake surrounded by mountains. This means that when the cannons fire there is an echo. When the explosions blow, there is an echo. You kind of feel like you are in a steel drum and someone is banging on all sides of it at one time. It is so cool! I can't wait. I even have a new patriotic broach to wear for icing on the cake.

Here at the farm not much is going on. Mikey ate a frog. Swallowed it whole and it made him sick. Really sick. John says that the dogs get high off the skin of the frog kind of like cats and nip. I thought he was nuts. I gave Mikey a little pepto with some food to make him not so sick. Baby has twisted her front leg. It is not broken, just spraned. She has been pretty settled this week as opposed to chasing rabbits and coyotes. When the storm came up though they both ran in the mud room. John even let them stay in there over night they were so pitiful. We have a baby calf that has no mama. She has to be bottle fed which is very funny. She hollers at the top of her lungs when she sees us comin and then drains a bottle like a drunk under Cheshire Bridge. Then she just stands there like whew, didn't think yall were ever going to get here. She then says thank you and goes back to the herd. Funny animals.

Some will strut and some will fret see this an hour on the stage others will not but the'll sweat in their hopelessness in the rage we're all the same the men of anger and the women of the page....

Whew...my kitchen is CLEAN. Almost. There is still the whole concept of painting the thing and getting the stuff that is not ours out of it. Just getting the stuff that is not ours out of it will be a task for the weekend. I did take the leaf out of the table and took out four chairs which gave us more room than believable. Tonight I tackle the living room and then tomorrow I tackle the lake! Gosh the difference on the inside of me is always amazing to me when I clean up the outside of me. I feel productive and useful and like I am slowly getting back to being me.

The lake always amazes me. Did you know that rhodedendrums can only bloom at a certain temperature? It has to be cool...not cold and not hot, cool. The rhodedendrums are still in bloom up here on the lake. It has to do with the mornings being so cool and the shade of the mountains and the natural underbrush. I think they have and altitude requirement too, but I am not sure about that one. It is so cool in the mornings that I have to wear a sweat shirt to work so I look a bit ridiculous with shorts and a sweat shirt. But this afternoon it is going to be 91 and there is no way to get around it.

The other odd thing about the lake is that there are two kinds of people who are on the lake. The diner next door is such a good theatre for it. There are those who live and work here and then there are those who live in the houses on the lake here. The difference between the two is about 100 grand a year. At lunch around 1130, all the men come in. They are constuction of every sort. Generally they are related to the women who run the diner. They have specialties and all work on any number of homes on the lake. Then around 1230 come the lake people. They are in their matching clothes, sun bleached faces, clean shoes. They are totally different. They come from Atlanta, New York, Charleston, the Bahamas. Yes, we have one set from the Bahamas. They typically have children with them who are unruly and have to be told to take their feet out of the booth. They aren't related to anyone and mostly are hard to wait on because they have such expectations that are just not true for this family diner. For example, Nanny makes the bisquits and when they run out she is not making any more and your nuts for asking. Her children and those who are married to her children and their children and those who are married to them do not ask for a bisquit, they ask if there are any left. The lake people get frustrated because their whim is not met. Nanny is 73 and doesn't care. HA! So different.

I like it up here. It is familiar. Comfortable. Well until it is 91 degrees, but then there is a lake to jump into so who cares.

Being overwhelmed is so overwhelming. My house is in explosive mode. I think it would be easier to burn the thing down and start over than it would to get it staight. I forget what it takes to work a full time job, be a girl, be a girlfriend or rather these days a wife, AND keep a clean home. I used to do it when I worked for the City at my apartment, but since the wedding my whole life seems upside down. Now that I am back to a life of regularity, I have forgotten what it takes. My house isn't kinda sorta messy. It looks like it has been hit by a tornado of clothes. Yes, its that bad. There is no way I can handle it any more and I am overwhelmed as to where to start. I know that I will start somewhere though. Tonight will be a Dixie Chicks/Indigo Girls/Dave Matthews Sing-fest and cleaning tirade.

It is really exhausting being overwhelmed. Just writing about it makes me tired.

I woke fifteen minutes late this morning which was bad because I needed to leave fifteen minutes earlier than usual. I managed to get out of the door fast enough to get to the bank and leave downtown Cleveland on time to be on time to work. Then when I got to work I was fifteen minutes early.

How did I do that?

Mom says that she misses the blog. And since I haven't done this in a while, I am not sure this entry will be all that well thought out, but just the same, for Mom...

I was standing,
You were there,
Two worlds colliding,
And they could never tear us a part!

Yeah, so I have fallen in love with my husband again. The whole adjustment period is finally over. Thank goodness, I thought that someone would be in for it like the Sopranos. We are very good partners. We both are learning about communication in the home place which can be great fun. Often there are a lot of "what?'s" passed back and forth as we have trouble understanding. That can be frustrating. But the outcome is so worth the what. However he did hear me when I screamed SNAKE! There was no miscommunication that there was a HUGE BLACK SNAKE in the house. He got that one without a what. That's a good thing. It means that we definitely have some level of communication, which is good.

Strangely, we get along really well in the workplace too. Did I mention that we are working together now? We are. Luckily there are two office locations and he is mostly at the real estate office and I am in the bookkeeper office. (Did you know that bookkeeper has the most double letters, back to back, in one word?) But there are not all that many whats at the office. It is mostly, did you? Yes, did you? Not yet...easy stuff.

You'd think that I would have learned how to communicate with someone by now. I have been walking and talking since 9 months old. But talking to someone as a roommate, a lover and a partner...never crossed anyone like that before, but you'd think it wouldn't be all that different from talking to my girlfriends. Yeah, he totally doesn't understand me when I go into girlfriend language. He rolls his eyes whenever Sherry or Meg call. Like, whatever! It turns out that husbands speak their own language. Weird. But wonderful.

You know the first rule of flyin is? Well I s'pose you do since you already know what I'm bout to say.

I do, but I like to hear you say it.

Love, for all the mad in the verse, you take a boat in the air that you don't love she'll shake you up just as sure as turn in the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down; tell you she's hurtin 'fore she kicks; makes her a home.

Storms getting worse.

We'll pass through it soon enough.

While I'd like to believe some crazy film taught me this lesson, I know who did. Though it does make a great ending to a good movie. I have been trying to watch the whole movie and have been unsuccessful until today. Got through it, start to finish. I remember the lesson and who taught it to me. It was my Dad.

When I was little, a man gave me the most beautiful lamp. He gave one to my brother too although it was a boy version and mine was a girl version. I don't know that they are worth anything, but they were worth a lot to him. My lamp was Strawberry Shortcake. I remember growing up with Strawberry Shortcake stories and dolls and it seemed like at one point she joined the Saturday morning cartoon line up. I don't know if the stations still do that, but I knew my morning was over when the Soul Train came on and it was time to get dressed and into yard clean up clothes. I can still smell the doll. She smelled like what I would imagine a plastic strawberry would smell like. I know that if you put her in front of me blindfolded, I could tell you who she was. I also had a Strawberry Shortcake bathing suit that I wore forever. It had a criss-cross back and was very confusing to step into for a two year old...or how ever old I was.

It never occurred to me that my parents wouldn't have given me the lamp. It made since to me that since almost every thing I owned they gave me, why not the lamp? Some how in conversation the story of the lamp came up. I think Mom was driving us in the blue marquis on to violin. She told me the story: Mr. Walker had a daughter. She was extremely upset about something so much so that she was determined to run away. My Dad was the youth/music minister of Mr. Walker's church so in the middle of the night, my Dad went to help when called. He some how convinced that youth that things were not as bad as they seemed and that it would all be okay in the morning. Everything is always better in the morning.

I don't know if it is the job of a minister to go into a home with a confused, scared young woman and convince her that life is worth living, worth loving and worth staying for, but that is what my Dad did. She woke the next morning and yes, everything was better in the morning. She learned that when we trust, have faith and believe that we are loved that things pass. It is just a storm and we will pass through soon enough. Her father was eternally grateful to my father for saving his daughter's life. And I got a really cool lamp.

I have always remembered that story. I think sometimes it is the reason that I didn't kill myself when I was drinking. I have a memory of coming too over my bible searching desperately for the answer in tears and without a notion in the world that in order to find God I would have to be sober first. What I did know was two things: God was in that damn compilation of books and that I would have to look for him in the morning because it was too dark and would all be okay in the morning. So I would lay my drunken head down, pass out, come to, go to sleep, and sure enough it passed. That horrid sensation, that emotional crush, that unbelivable, incomprehensible demoralization was gone. Today, I don't ever have that. The storm has passed and when I go to bed or wake up, it is always okay.

It is always interesting to me why anyone would want what I have. Lately I have been in a room full of people and felt completely alone. That is hard when my whole being is contengent on a connection with others. Yes, I am that dependent on people still today despite everyday I work on a relationship with God. This woman came up to me on Saturday night after the meeting to let me know that the things that I share she relates to and so much so, she would like me to tell my story at her anniversary. I almost started to cry in public. I don't do that and if I do, something is WRONG. Really wrong. Of course I didn't, I almost did, but it was so startling that I said yes, I'd be honored and then told her that I was so overwhelmed I had to leave. So I left. I went to eat dinner with my husband and a friend. Mmm...ribs. So now I am going to tell my story in front of a whole bunch of people who know my story because they experienced most of it with me and who knows, maybe someone will get something from it. If nothing else, I already have.

Everyone in my life has gone stark raving mad. They all seem to have some great crisis going on so when I call them and say "how was your day" I have to be prepared for a lengthy conversation with me saying things like mmhmm, oh no, well that's too bad. Meanwhile, my life is looking up. I am happy to say that my husband has a killer new job as do I. Couldn't ask for much more, so when they finally take a breath and say so how are you? I say oh, fine. I feel like a horrible person because I can't say HURRAY! This is the coolest thing ever! Because then I would be a jerk. I have decided to take refuge from the chaos and go see my Mom. Hopefully my new workout stuff will come in by the end of the week so I can look hip when I work out at Mom's. Nothing worse than looking like a loser when things are on the up and up. My one friend who is not in choas is also bailing out this weekend to the homestead and it sounds like a good idea. It will be the first time away from the hubby as I doubt he will go because he is a freak, but I am ready to go see my Mom. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom even when she is thirty. Even our cows are freaking out. They are almost done though. We took two calves away from the mamas and one calf died. So the mamas are walking around screaming at the top of their lungs for the babies looking incessantly for their children (when they are in the barn--you'd think they'd stand in front of the barn, but they wander aimlessly around all 65 acres). They will forget what they are doing tomorrow and go back to being cows again. Maybe that is what will happen come Monday, everyone will forget what they are doing and go back to being cows.

My husband might not make it into another day awake. I have never seen anyone operate on as little sleep as he has in the past two days. Wednesday, he came home at six thirty to sleep for a couple hours, until ten only to go to lunch with a business guy. Came home and slept from four thirty until six thirty. Then he went to work to come home and go to this thing in ATL until four the next day. He slept for an hour in between work and leaving for ATL. Then he slept from four until seven to leave for work tonight. CAN YOU SAY NUTS?!! I can't imagine operating on sleep like that. I know that he really wants this opportunity that he is losing sleep over but OMG!! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!!

My husband is officially nuts.

I have found out the hard way what skipping a workout does for me. By nature, I am an angry person. My parents thought something was seriously wrong with me when I was growing up. They consulted a preacher's wife because I was so angry all the time. She said the only thing you can do with a child like that is pray for them. I don't remember being as angry when I was a part of an excercise regimen. When I was playing a sport, I don't remember being as angry. These days my anger is tempered by things that I didn't even know how to do back then: prayer and meditation, behavior corrections, self awareness, identification of fears. I have found a new tool: working out. Although, I don't work out like some people, I do what feels good to me. So far, I am up to about a thirty-five minute workout. I have been doing it about everyday to everyother day. The other day my head told me that I should reward myself and take an extra day. This would mean that there were two days without working out instead of one. No big deal right? No big deal: wrong. All day long anything anyone said to me was wrong. They were wrong! My mother knows exactly what I am talking about because she used to be the anyone (unfortunately she was also the Mom so that meant that I was being disobediant to boot.). The other tool I used was never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut. So I am not necessarily telling the stupid person that they are stupid, but I am thinking it! AND I am smiling which means they know I am thinking they are an idiot. Dumb, dumb, dumb they are. As I am riding home from Cornelia with a good friend she looks at me and says she is sorry that I am so out of sorts. She asks me when the last time I worked out was because this is the point in the conversation where we go over our workout stuff. Hmm...two days ago. Yeah, she says, you can't miss a day of working out. That is what is wrong with you. You need to work out. You know what I am thinking? She doesn't know what she is talking about. Stupid people. So the next day I workout, hop in the shower, hop out of the shower and am singing around the house when the hubby says, oh, you're in a good mood today. Damn it. The girlfriend was right. I can't miss more than a day of working out. I was crazy. My guess is that my parents have been praying for me since Mrs. G told them to, so all I have to say is thanks for the prayers. I am not so angry today. Now I am going to workout.

So this week it was harder to love myself as I was in great anticipation and mostly just fear. This seems grave to those who don't know that I am afraid of my own shadow. This week though it was an ingrained, soul written, had no idea was there fear. Big enough that I was able to function throughout my life happily except when it was brought up at which time I thought I would throw up. Turns out that I am afraid of money. Not money like hey I got paid but money like not having to work for the rest of my life. While this is only a reality five years from now, it is still a great possibility. So I come writing today of good news for John and I: John got a killer job. I am no longer in fear. Turns out that through my little emotional upheaval I have learned that God doesn't want me to be poor. I have also learned that poverty is not spiritual. AND I learned that neither is arrogance. So, if you throw them both away, you have a pretty good person who can be of service to God. Hopefully, I will be a service girl.

In other farm news, someone stole my dog. The black and tan puppy. I am a little upset, and keep calling all other dogs, Rocky (his name), but it is better than finding him squished on the side of the road. There is nothing fun about cleaning up dog parts. It is easier on the heart and the eyes to just know that God got him. It did give me ample opportunity to see the pasture as I walked the entire 65+ acres with Mikey. Turns out that we live on a BEAUTIFUL piece. There are two creeks and a river that border the property. All of them look like something Cooper would totally get a kick out of climbing, swimming, fishing, camping, exploring through out. I was amazed by the landscapes they created. Found a good site for a bonfire which I totally expect to have in the next couple of weeks (after blackberry winter and once John gets back on a day schedule again--hurray for the day schedule).

On Saturday I was back to doing things that make me feel better again. I cleaned out the back bedroom. It actually looks like a place where someone could lay their head if they came to stay. There is a place to put our clothes and everything! There was LOTS of things thown away and LOTS of things to be given away. There was lots to just be put away. John thought it would be great fun to leave the trash outside to test the puppy. One for Mikey, zero for John. Trash all over the yard. ALL OVER THE YARD. Mikey had eaten something aweful, he was so stinky. However, he thought it was great fun and just couldn't get over the wonderful toy John had left for him. John didn't make that mistake again. He took the trash to the dump the next day, but left it in the mud room over night.

Our farm house is slowly turning into our home. Each day it gets a little more like John and I instead of like John and Albert. Thank goodness. Have I ever mentioned how bachelor's don't clean? Yeah, gross. But it is clean today. And I feel better about myself.

In the spirit of doing things that make me like myself, I have begun an attempt at physical sobriety. What does this mean? I don't know. It means that I have been praying for some time now to have the obsession and compulsion to eat more than I need to be removed and to give me the desire to be healthy today. It means that after six months of praying the prayer, I have become willing to not just work out but consistently work out. I also have not had a desire to eat after ten pm. While this sound surprising to some of you out there, my sleep schedule is all screwed up since I started waiting tables and getting home at eleven o'clock or midnight is standard with a period of wide-eyed-ness until around two am or on really bad nights, three. Much to my shagrin, I would eat at these times of the night. Nothing I ate was percievably healthy by anyone's standards other than the Pilsbury Dough Boy. Now if I eat, it is a bowl of cereal or popcorn. I don't know what has changed, I just know it has. I continue to pray my prayer and I continue to feel better.

Also, in the spirit of sharing good spirits, I baked my husband a pecan pie. Don't you wish you were at the farm right now?

There are some things that are unexplainable. For example, my not blogging for forever...

Another is the first Dave Matthews Album. There was a guy I met my freshman year. He was, of course, a GT man and was either not very bright or not very right, which ever, he flunked out. Before he did, he initiated me into the world of fraternities my first semester. His name was Dave and was from Hoboken, New Jersey. I don't know where Hoboken is, but I love the name. He was a big brother figure. Someone who called me his little sister. For example, he always had a pull out couch for me to sleep on if I was unable to get home and didn't want to fall prey to some smuck who was looking to get lucky. Another example was him kicking me out of his room when he was smoking pot. Ah, yes, looking out for his little sister. He always provided me a ticket to the GT football game even if I didn't have a date because he never had a date. He was a guinuinely (wow, how do you spell that word Carter?) nice guy, for being a pot head.

He also introduced me to good music, good people and good habits. He wouldn't let me drink and study at the same time: good habit. He introduced me to who I would consider my big sister at Agnes Scott: good people. He listened to Dave Matthews all the time: good music. I can remember most importantly, he made me feel a part of something. I guess I was a part of a friendship. At the time I was not very good at relationships. Actually, I have never been very good at relationships. I was particularly bad at them in college because if they didn't circle around drinking, there was no point to me. But he was a friend. He was my friend.

I think I only have one picture of him at a toga party at Delta Tau Delta. He was hanging out with Lori. She hated me, but whatever. That feeling of being a part of has always stuck with me. It seems like my relationship with Dave ended much as so many did: somehow aweful and awkward. But that small period when life was good, I remember. When I listen to Dave Matthews, especially the first album, I find that confidence and comfort of being in a friendship. Somehow the relationship is a part of me. It is a part of me that I am not ashamed. I was someone who I liked in that relationship. When I listen to it, it reminds me that sometimes, sometimes, just sometimes, I like myself.

Strangely, it also makes me want to do more things, have more relationships where I like myself. I haven't liked myself much lately. Mostly, I have wanted to hide under the covers and just wait for it to be over. I don't know what "it" is and Dr. Pinka would berate me for not haveing an antecedant to that "it", but IT has scared me for a while and I am not sure, but IT scares me into a place where I am not happy and don't really like myself. For the first time in the past couple of days, IT has been on the back burner and God has given me some willingness to get out from under the covers to see if I can battle IT. So I am taking action to like myself again: Clean the farm house, clean the farm house, clean the farm house. I want to make the farm look like a home instead of this mishap of two people colliding and calling it home. In the name of Divine Order, First Things First, had to have good music. So I hooked up my stereo system (can you believe I have been here six months and not hooked up my stereo? Can you say Rae is loony toons?) and to my disbelief, what was in the cd player? Dave Matthews. I knew I was on the right path. It made me like myself again. Thanks Dave.

My puppies sleep upside down. They sleep on their back with thier paws in the air like a dead opossum. They are also chasing cows now. When I mean chasing, I mean leaping up grabbing a hold of the cow's tail while barking incessantly and swinging back and forth while the cow is running back towards the heard. It is very entertaining. They love it. The cows who are easily two tons or just shy of it are actually afraid of my twenty pound pups *and their mom*. I'd like to say that I am not afraid of something that was twenty pounds, but I am afraid of wasps so there you go. We had FIVE wasps in the mud room this morning for which John caught all five and let them go outside. You'd think he's a zen master, but mostly he is just not afraid and a touch insane. Three made their way back into the mudroom while I was doing laundry. I have decided they must have a bat cave entrance into the mudroom. I killed all three. There is nothing about me that is zen like. There is only the roar from within that comes in the victory over the vile, stinging, invasive bugs. The pups think that I am doing a dance of some sort and cheer me on from outside. The days are becoming more like summer everyday. They are warm to a point of sweaty. I sit outside and play with my pups until they cower from the sun in their hot winter coats and retreat to the shade of the trees in the yard. Unless they find it necessary to show off and chase after a bull calf only to be recalled by my short, loud whistle that comes with a dog treat to which ever dog gets back to me first. They return, tongues hanging, begging for me to move into the cool. Never. I am all sun, all the time. I can't imagine not having summer. Although this will be a summer of firsts for me. First time at the farm. First time married. First time in school (ever). First time with my puppies. Maybe if I can learn to sleep with my feet in the air, I will make calmly through this wonderful season of heat.

Just some blog thoughts...

if you lived in my head you would know that I am feeling better by the way I started blogging today without a computer, but now John has the ick. ICK!

Automechanics are awesome people. I have never been to an auto mechanic that wasn't required by an insurance agency (due to wreck...speaking of which I find it interesting that my brother called me in the midst of his wreck, it occurs to me that I am the person he knows who knows the most about wrecks, which I am not sure if that is a compliment that he called me for an opinion or a humiliation because I have had so many WRECKS!!!) or that wasn't employed by a dealership before for serious work. I am not going to a dealership for my oil change, that is stupid, but you know, my light came on in my car. And, it is a new car and it is the first time the light has ever lit. And, I say to my hubby, let's take to Saturn and he said, let's not. And, we took it to a mechanic. John is pretty mechanically inclined which helps because there is no wool to be pulled because he knows how to sheer the sheep. Today my car purrs. I didn't even realize that it wasn't purring before I took it to the shop, all I knew was that I went from getting 37 miles to the gallon to 34 miles to the gallon, which translates in my head as waiting to long to change the oil, but nooooooo...... the mechanic made it purrrrrr...it now gets 39 miles to the gallon without long distance travel. I used to get 40 when I made a trip to mom's, but this tank was bustling about town after I got back from PTC. Oh yes, 39 around town...take that you oily men! The other cool feature they fixed was my ignition. I used to have to yank the steering column and turn the key and stomp my foot (the stomping was so not to lose my cool) in order to start the car. The lovely mechanic made it so I put the key in and turn and it starts the car just like a new car. Purrrrr....

Fafsa sucks.

Started watching the west wing series again. Strangley it is not as addicting this time. I turned to Pretty In Pink after one side of the dvd. I never made it through PIP because it was late and I fell asleep. Finished wathing Coal Minor's Daughter the other night. It is long, took me two times to get all the way through. There is something about country singers who are real that makes for comfort. When I say country singers who are real, I mean who have experienced their songs as opposed to having people write the songs for them. Some day I will buy that one. It was a real decent flick.

I like a super Wally World on a Friday in the mountains. It reminds me of Tuesdays in Decatur. The thing in the mountains though is that you ALWAYS run into someone you know. That didn't neccessarily happen in Decatur, although it happened a lot. The thing about Fridays is that everyone in the county gets paid because they all earn wage and no salary so they go see the super Wally for their weeklies. There are so many people in there that it is like the ATL because you have to just go about your way and ignore all else. Watch out for carts man because there is no seeing around corners. You just have to see about yourself. There is no acknowledgement that you almost get run down, they keep right on going. It allows me to be less self conscious about my shopping. It also allows me to disappear in the masses. I get a little confidence out of the whole deal. The hustle and bustle of the city. Nothing like it.

March is in like a lion. We have had so much wind it is surreal. Hopefully it will go out like a lamb and take the cold wind outta here. It is like a trick when I am trying to get dressed: oh look beautiful sunny skies...but then you walk out in it and are promptly hit up side the head with something the pups drug out from under the house because the wind picked it up just to remind you whose boss...brrrr...go away.

just some blog thoughts...

I am watching Anne of Green Gables, the sequel. I grew up knowing it as Anne of Avonlea. Why am I watching Anne of Avonlea? Because I am sick. That is what I watch when I am sick. I can remember it being on all the time on PBS or at least one hour of it on the Disney Channel.

This sweet woman at work said that I reminded her of Anne. She said that I was haughty just like the Anne girl. I said thank you because I will take any relation I can get to Anne Shirley. Weird compliment though.

I have been sick since Monday, only on Monday I didn't know I was sick until Tuesday morning I woke up as though I had been in an accident. My body was sore, my nose was stuffed up and my throat was scratchy. Turns out that Cooper had the same thing and was home from school. He had a cough to boot. So I went and watched over the greatest soccer player while eating popsicles and watching movies. Then I went off to grab his sister to take her to her chorus concert and by the time I got back to their house, I was beaten and battered by my cold. It fooled me though. I went to bed at nine and got up around eleven the next day and thought hmm....I feel better only sniffles and no pain.

So I took medicine and went to hang out with my favorite artist, Megan who is working on her first piece for sale. She has quite a talent. She says that she NEEEEEEDS me to be there when she paints. Mostly she needs me there to paint about like she needs me to be there when she cleans. This is a game we played when we were roommates. I would go and sit in her room and she would clean all around me and then she would come and sit in my room while I cleaned around her. It was dreadful to learn how to clean without her when we each had our own place. Needless to say, mostly she paints while I sit there and do nothing. It is the same effect as the cleaning. However, I got back to the farm and K-rashed. John told me not to go out again, but not me, not the social butterfly. I went out to meet with friends. I went to bed at midnight, midnight thirty only to rise at TWO PM today. I couldn't move. My body ached, my head pounded, my nose dripped, my sinus cavity was breeding virus and now I have a cough. I took some medicine again. I hate taking medicine. Thirty minutes I could stand and carry on a sentence and tried to take a shower. Then I passed out. Then John and I went to Dahlonega for a meal as I was feeling up. GReatest meal ever. Horrible server--excellent food. Like WOW. Then off to the post office and ZAP--no energy. I am glad that I got out because otherwise I wouldn't be convince that I needed to just stay home. Sherry called to see if I wanted to hook up and realized once I said hello that I was not in shape for it. So here I sit...Anne makes me feel better. She is the best medicine.

I saw a falling star tonight and thought of Sarah and thusly thought, I needed to blog.

Lots of cool things happening on the farm. We have a visitor that was originally thought to be a beefalo and now turns out to be a real cow called a long haired highland. Unfortunately, it is a calf so mostly it looks like a four legged ewok. (a beefalo for those who are wondering is half buffalo, half cow raised for lean beef) Our farm butts up to a farm owned by a fancy doctor from Augusta. Unlike us, he raises animals for amusement instead of income. He has all sorts of stange animals such as Jacob's sheep and funny goats and turns out--long haired highland cows. They are really beautiful animals, but not as nice as our muts on our farm. Also, turns out that laundry is a dangerous thing for me to do. There was a wasp in my washer the other night that was on one of my turtle necks I was pulling out of it and walla! stung not once, but twice. It crawled up my sleeve to get me the second time and I promptly derobed with all due speed. Other cool things, the puppies have learned to stay and sit. Haha! I have the smartest puppies ever. Turns out they are dirt balls though. Their new thing is to venture out into the pasture with Mom and RedDog so they can role in cow patties. Yeah, that's gross. Definitely qualifies for dirtballdumb.

Read my brother's blog about change. Gave him a buzz and it turns out that he had a friend who also had lots of change and that both of them harnessed their changes into productive results. I got to thinking about it and that never seems to be my reaction to change. For example, Megan moved back to the mountains from Athens. Major change and took my old job (thusly I have a new one) major change. Yet I whined about it. I cried a bit in selfishness. I even told her about how selfish I was being. No hurray or yippee or perhaps constructive behavior like a welcome home gift, no.no. WAAAA. That is how I respond to change. It is better than it used to be. I used to waa and scream and kick and hurt people who loved me. Why? Because I am nutso. The pastor's wife said that there was nothing to be done with a child like that (referring to me), all you can do is pray for her. Guess it worked. I still am upset by change. Mom says that not even normal people like change. That made me feel not so crazy. Next time though, I am going to have to figure out how to get a new room out of it or a bookshelf. Mostly, I just get heartache.

Althoguh, I would say this and will close, I am changing into a maybe nurse. I don't know what I want to change into, but I am trying to change my whole life because the way I used to be wasn't working for me. Sometimes lots of little changes shift over all to one large change that makes more sense than all the little ones. When it all comes together in some sort of coincedence, I call it a God shot. The nice thing about change is that I don't neccesarily know what is going on and strengths my faith the God does. Perhaps that is the constructiveness that I get out of crying over changing.

It is strange having more time off and making the same amount of money. I am not used to having this much time off and I really don't know what to do. I work Thursday thru Sun and then poof I'm done. There is no in between. It is a weird concept working less and making more. I wish I had done it a long time ago. I am glad too because come school time all this extra time that I have on my hands, I will be studying! I am so excited about the whole concept of going back to school. I am not sure that I know how to study any more though and that is frightening.

Puppies are not dirt balls. They are unconditional love balls. They don't care if you feed them or not. They don't care if you yell at them or not. They just want to be petted. My two puppies left that I am not willing to give away just fell asleep on me. As in, thank goodness your home Mom, we have been tired of playing in the cold rain all day and your lap is nice and dry and warm. Mmmm. Love me. I have accidentally stepped on these dogs, kicked these dogs and sat on these dogs and they still love me. It is hard to walk when dogs heard your ankles so mostly I just do the best that I can and apologize if I hurt them. Sometimes I feel the same way the puppies do: I don't care what you say or what you do, just love me.

Prestige is out today in my local movie gallery....gotta see Christian Bale....Oh, watched a really bad acting action movie that as far as action movies go it was decent. Called the Marine. There were some funny lines in it that made it easy to watch. It was very apparent that this movie was a coming out movie for the wrestler turned actor. May I say, he is one beautiful man. If for no other reason ladies, watch the movie. He is also slightly adept in acting and perhaps with the right guidance would do okay in movies. He should try a role as a diamond theif next. Overall it was a C- movie, but the effects were great. There were some excellent blow up scenes and some well done fighting choreography that made the film a rentable before the new movies show up. Do I remember the actor/wrestler's name? Unfortunately no, but someone will and he will do fine once he transitions into the main stream. If Ashton Kutcher can do it, this guy can.

Sometimes I watch movies to change the mood I'm in. Sometimes I watch movies because there is nothing else I want to do. Sometimes I watch movies because I don't know what else to do. Needless to say I watch a lot of movies. I have currently six on loan, three from the local store and three from Netflix. I also have four that I have purchased, but have not opened. Needless to say...

Some of the films I watch are funny and yet so true to life for example: Urban Cowboy. Saw this one last night. Funny and yet so true to life. It reminded me of Mama's in Atlanta. That is so real in the relationships of the people there: totally country and totally crazy. Although I totally get the 70's appeal too. I am sure that it was a hit. I rented it because I thought it was John Travolta's first film and first films are always surprising in one way or another. He surprised me in that he made a career off that role. He played a dumb cowboy. No oscar there. But it was right on for the part.

Some films I watch are horrifying. For example, I actually watched all the way through, I say that because it was not easy to do: Monster. Augh. What a horrifying thought and tragic in its truth. Absolute oscar. I watched one of those moves tonight without knowing that was what I was going to watch. I have put so many things in queue for Netflix, I can't remember why I chose the movie. It was called Sometimes in April. This movie was spectacular and riviting. The storyline is based around the genocide in Rwanda. It is an African Shindler's list. The difference was that there were no name actors in it with no name producers, director, etc. I don't know how exactly I picked this one. I think it was because I didn't know what happened in Rwanda, I just knew that something happened. Something aweful. Sure enough, it is amazing. When all of it happened I was a senior in highschool with no ability to look outside of myself long enough to understand what was happening. Now that I am aware, I recognize that the same thing is happening in the Sudan. Millions are dying and because we have no vested interest, unlike countries who have oil or weapons or better hype for elections, no vested interest, we let people die. It's not our business. I am not sure what exactly we could do since we are already engaged militarily in a war that is none of our business, but I am inclined to think that we should be careful minding business that is not ours for vested interests might become bloody interests. With that same man power we sacrafice for vested interest, we could create peace where there is no vested interest and we wouldn't have bloody interest either. I don't understand these wars. I don't understand these countries whose leaders honestly believe in the concept of power. Power is not everything. Mostly I find power to be nothing. So these leaders who sacrafice their countrymen like lambs, they don't know they have no power. So they make hate and war to show they have power. Hate is not power. War is not power. Power is an illusion. Unfortunately, the fall out of hate and war are not illusions. This movie was a great movie. Provocative. Political. Factual. Heartwrenching. It was amazing. I am still thinking about the things that occured throughout the film and probably will be for days. How appropriate too that tonight there is rain on my tin roof. This movie was a great movie. Sometiimes in April.

One pup, two pup
Red pup, blue pup....

They are slowly but surely going away. It is really sad. I am very grateful that they are not going away the bad way which would be via coyote or hawk. They are going to good homes AND one of them is mine. John gave into me keeping one pup. Rocky. He is not the brightest one, that would be Jill which Mom and Dad got, but he is the best farm pup. He waits on us to get home. He doesn't mess with the Red Dog (turns out that red dog is really not red at all, he is a black mouth cur, but whatever). He follows on John's heel wherever he goes AND he sits in my lap to sleep.

And then there were two: Wolfman Jack and Mikey. Mikey will make a great guy dog. Bachelor household. And Jack would make a good family dog. They are mine right now, but God is finding them others who want them.

Mom said when she left today that it was sad her taking a pup. It is sad, but it is so relieving. I was most afraid that Jill would get eaten because she was the most adorable and playful and thus most exposed to being eaten. My tears today were mixed for her to be gone from our farm, but to be well taken care of and for the knowledge that she would live. Relief is a powerful feeling. The boys I don't worry nearly about. I am glad we are down to two. BUt my guess is that my heart will break again when I give them away. It is just one of those things. My Mom cried for six months after I went to college. So I will cry for a half hour after each pup. At least I get to visit Jill.

Adventures in farm life: common sayings

My mother's mother used to say that if the snow stays on the ground for more than three days,
it will snow again.

You know, the numbers of fogs we have in August will be the number of times it snows in the winter.

Don't go plantin' your garden until after the blackberry winter.

These are all sayings that people in this area believe in with ferver. So much so that the local tv show who's host is 70 years old, actually counted the fogs this past August. There was one according to him. He lives quite a piece south from me and I can see why he would have only one fog. We here in the northern end of the world didn't count our fogs. I did one year when I lived in Sautee, there were four, however I remember there only being one snow. Although, I tend to wonder does the snow being on the ground for three days override the fogs in August? How does it effect the blackberry winter? A blackberry winter, btw, is a winter snap just as the blackberry bushes bloom and is the last frost of the year. Never fails to be the last frost. Everytime. I think it is God's way of seeing if we pay attention.

Now people have been saying since Sunday at church the three day rule. The local 70 year old tv host predicted Monday morning that it was going to snow on Friday. WHY would a guy who is not a meteorologist do such a thing? Because he knows! He's 70! So each day I am checking the weather on the dot com and nowhere does it even say precipitation of any kind! Until today. Today it decides that it is going to be 30 degrees on Thursday with a 51% chance of rain. Rain...at thirty degrees? Isn't that snow? Or sleet? Or the newest DQ treat--a wintery mix? Ok so maybe it is not a new DQ flavor, but it should be. THEN on Friday it is going to be 24 degrees and raining. Yeah, the 70 year old pegged it. The snow has been on the ground since last Thursday. Look out for a blizzard and not from DQ.