There are some things that are unexplainable. For example, my not blogging for forever...

Another is the first Dave Matthews Album. There was a guy I met my freshman year. He was, of course, a GT man and was either not very bright or not very right, which ever, he flunked out. Before he did, he initiated me into the world of fraternities my first semester. His name was Dave and was from Hoboken, New Jersey. I don't know where Hoboken is, but I love the name. He was a big brother figure. Someone who called me his little sister. For example, he always had a pull out couch for me to sleep on if I was unable to get home and didn't want to fall prey to some smuck who was looking to get lucky. Another example was him kicking me out of his room when he was smoking pot. Ah, yes, looking out for his little sister. He always provided me a ticket to the GT football game even if I didn't have a date because he never had a date. He was a guinuinely (wow, how do you spell that word Carter?) nice guy, for being a pot head.

He also introduced me to good music, good people and good habits. He wouldn't let me drink and study at the same time: good habit. He introduced me to who I would consider my big sister at Agnes Scott: good people. He listened to Dave Matthews all the time: good music. I can remember most importantly, he made me feel a part of something. I guess I was a part of a friendship. At the time I was not very good at relationships. Actually, I have never been very good at relationships. I was particularly bad at them in college because if they didn't circle around drinking, there was no point to me. But he was a friend. He was my friend.

I think I only have one picture of him at a toga party at Delta Tau Delta. He was hanging out with Lori. She hated me, but whatever. That feeling of being a part of has always stuck with me. It seems like my relationship with Dave ended much as so many did: somehow aweful and awkward. But that small period when life was good, I remember. When I listen to Dave Matthews, especially the first album, I find that confidence and comfort of being in a friendship. Somehow the relationship is a part of me. It is a part of me that I am not ashamed. I was someone who I liked in that relationship. When I listen to it, it reminds me that sometimes, sometimes, just sometimes, I like myself.

Strangely, it also makes me want to do more things, have more relationships where I like myself. I haven't liked myself much lately. Mostly, I have wanted to hide under the covers and just wait for it to be over. I don't know what "it" is and Dr. Pinka would berate me for not haveing an antecedant to that "it", but IT has scared me for a while and I am not sure, but IT scares me into a place where I am not happy and don't really like myself. For the first time in the past couple of days, IT has been on the back burner and God has given me some willingness to get out from under the covers to see if I can battle IT. So I am taking action to like myself again: Clean the farm house, clean the farm house, clean the farm house. I want to make the farm look like a home instead of this mishap of two people colliding and calling it home. In the name of Divine Order, First Things First, had to have good music. So I hooked up my stereo system (can you believe I have been here six months and not hooked up my stereo? Can you say Rae is loony toons?) and to my disbelief, what was in the cd player? Dave Matthews. I knew I was on the right path. It made me like myself again. Thanks Dave.