Weird Life

Weirdness comes when we least expect it. I went to clean up the river yesterday and a group of us met at a central location. I didn't know anyone, but that didn't seem to matter. It was a common purpose and together we ventured. The weirdness came as the last three folks approached: a family of three, Dad, Mom and daughter. Mom had on an ASC sweatshirt. I asked her if she went to Scott and she said no that she had bought the sweatshirt from the battered women's shelter thrift store. . .yeah, it was mine. Weird.

Weirdness comes when we are totally afraid. If there is anything more terrifiying right now for me it is the concept of marriage. Forever is a long time and I am a flirty girl, yet I love John more than I have ever loved anyone ever. It makes me tear up just to think about him not being there. We are going to the priest next Friday to set a date for the wedding which I am sure will make lots of people on the outside happy, me I don't care. I just like the idea that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I could have sworn we were looking at a spring wedding, even though I wanted a fall wedding (but this fall seemed unreasonable two weeks ago because it was so close) and now, he wants to be married before next February 27, which is the date he proposed to me. Since Episcopals do not marry during lent or advent (not that I want to be married in the winter anyway!) that leaves only this fall and I am not getting married in summer. So now this fall seems more reasonable. I could have sworn that my friend and florist was booked in November two weeks ago. We looked at her calendar, turns out she has four available weekends between October and November. (The third weekend in October is the prettiest and she has it open!) Wierd.

Weirdness comes when I am being nice. This woman who I met for the third time last night, is sweet as pie, has just begun a journey to seek God. I don't know if she realizes that, but she has. For the first time ever with this woman I don't understand the reasoning, I was not attached with her plight nor judgemental of her past. I was not condescending or hurting with my words. Usually, I am a witch when I first meet people and inevitably they say this line later on: "You know Rae, when I first met you, I thought you were a real witch but as it turns out you are not so bad." I finally gave up in overcoming that line about a year or so ago and decided who cares. If they end up realizing I am a good person afterall what difference does it make that they see my defects of character right off the bat? It felt good talking to this woman. She was easily relatable and not once did I say something rude. Weird.

Weirdness comes when I take care of me and let the world be its self. Last night I went to the gym, ran for 15 minutes and walked for 15 minutes consecutively and at high paces. I went home took a shower and went off to Grace where I met with friends to talk about God. I normally am very jealous of women, but last night there was not any jealousy. The two women who I have had to pray for many nights were of no threat at all and for some reason, last night I was not better than or less than them. I was a part of them. I wasn't doing anything different from what I normally do or maybe I was. I was taking care of me all day yesterday and putting one foot in front of the other and even though I may have had crazy thoughts, I didn't have crazy actions. That peace/serenity/calm whatever you call it was there last night. Weird.

Maybe it is not so much wierdness that I am experiencing as it is life with God (as opposed to life without God, which never is as good for me or life in fear which is awful because I know God is out there and I just can't get to Him). Reality is when I let God in, when I let go of my life, it is so much easier for me. Weirdness yes, Life with God, better than yes.