Haven't you ever been in the depths of despair Marilla?

No, to despair is to turn your back on God.

I know that I have been in the depths of despair. I know that I have turned my back on God. I know that for unknown reasons, I believed that God was in a bottle of Jack Daniels or Crown Royal. I tried desperately to get to Him and couldn't. I know today that God isn't in that bottle. I know that when I drink, despair is just one of the things that goes wrong. You want to know the thing I hated most about drinking?

I couldn't stop.

I just wanted to be able to stop one night, just one...and know what it was like to be a normal person. I can remember coming to, crying over my Bible and wishing there was an answer in there. And there was, but I couldn't not drink in order to find out what it was.

When I am in a place these days that feels hopeless, powerless, demoralized, I recognize it is nothing like coming to in a hospital with little to no idea of how I got there. It is the places of granduer that get me. When I am on the top of "my" game. When "all the pistons are firing" and "things are going my way" is when I forget. It is when I am more likely to despair than any other. I don't want to have anything to do with the bad things that happen, but when it is good, when it is great, when it is better than great: like right now, I want to take all the credit.

My life couldn't be better than it is right now. I am in a great job where I get to do things I like. I am in a great relationship with a man who wants to declare committment to me in front of God and my family, where God is the center of that relationship. I have a hero, who is also known as a best friend who actually likes being around me. I have several girlfriends who want me in their life so much that they leave their children with me or list me as an emergency contact at school. I have the cutest apartment in three counties. I can pay all of my bills even when I forget to write down a check. I have a savings account that has money in it. I am going to visit my girlfriend in New Hampshire, who I have known my whole life and am so excited to have a friend like that. I have a relationship with my parents today that is not explosive and is grateful. I have a relationship with my brother today that is healthy. This is the top. This is where I have wanted to be since I was eighteen. This is where I was when I was sixteen. The top. The best at what I do. So is it mine to claim? Is it mine to say, "I did this"?

Only if I am in the depths of despair.

I had nothing to do with it.

But for the Grace of God go I.