Sick & Tired

More posters today...bleck, I am posted out.

So I have a confession to make: I am hate my weight.

I AM NOT saying that I am fat, because I am not. I am not saying that I am ugly, because I am not (except during pms and then the witchiness is brutal and ugliness is a byproduct). I am saying that I am not comfortable being the size I am. For the first time in my life I am not in shape and am heavier than I have ever been. In high school, I was an eight varsity letterman. I had my own letter jacket that did not belong to some ragged male who played football (stupid judge who gave me $60 charge for my running a redlight ticket asked me if it was my boyfriends or if I was cheerleader...SHE WAS A BLACK FEMALE JUDGE. You'd think she would not stereotype and I am still pissed and proud), it was mine. I was active in college on the volleyball team. I also danced every semester they would let me. I worked on a golf course hauling wood because them men there didn't think I could cut grass on the machines (not that I encouraged them to believe that I could because it was hot and sweaty) but would let me haul wood! I was in the best shape of my life as a result. I am in love and in gaged. . .engaged and heavier than I have ever been in my life. BLECK.

God give me the desire to be healthy.
God give me the desire to eat healthy.
God give me the desire to continue to be a better person.

I have begun to write down what I eat. YIPE. (Fear: what the hell do I eat? What if someone finds out that I am a lover of pasta and have secret meetings with Ben & Jerry's in the middle of the night?) I have begun to realize that what I eat sucks. YIPE. (Fear: What if I can never have sugar again?) I am not willing to rationalize my behavior. YIPE. (Fear: No more gym slacking? EVER?) I am just not willing to to live in fears and foods any more.

God give me your grace.......

Again.