Sorry about the surreal comment.

I thought the apricot honey was the real low point.


Have you ever loved someone so much and didn't know how much until they ended up being nothing like the person you loved? Or maybe they are the person you loved,...they have just warped out and the perception looks right but all of the sudden, I don't know. I hate being in this place of perception where it is changing and there is no way to not change it or to go back to before, only to wait until it settles and isn't in that sense of shock and shatteredness. I can remember talking to this woman once and trying to explain my feelings and using the illusion that I had a mirror and knew what I looked like and someone took an icepick right to the middle of it and there were shards of glass and reflection everywhere and I didn't know what I looked like any more. That is how I feel right now.

God said in a big booming voice STOP. START OVER. (okay maybe there was no voice, but situations collided enough it felt like a big booming voice) So I did. I stopped. I started over. I swear there were other people who claimed to be friends, who claimed they were on the same path, who claimed they were by my side. I know that they are my friends even now and if I were hurt or in emotional, mental, spiritual or physical pain of any kind and asked for help they would be there. I know that when I ask them to come to the wedding they will do everything they can to get there. I know that they are by my side, but they are no longer on the same path I am. It is a break in the mirror. What I saw is not what it is now. There is no way to fix the mirror.

The thing that is so unusual is that while I am shocked and hurt and overwhelmed, I am not surprised or concerned for their well being. I am not afraid...I know that the path they are on, even though it is not the path I am on, is the one they are supposed to be on. God has them. God has me. God has us, just not next to each other anymore.

Is this growing up? Is this being an adult? It is really heart wrenching.

A woman told me once that however much I love was equal to the amount of pain I would experience when there was a loss. I don't know that I have loss these friends, but I know that I have lost them on this road. Damn is she right.