The following is not for normal people. If you have a sensitivity to dark humor or a sensitivity to reality, I suggest you skip today's entry.

Amateur Night

The other night was Cinco de Mayo: I couldn't figure out what was going on. I went from my house out for milk and back and managed to have one drunk in front of me (I say drunk, but it could have been anything because any substance makes people jerk the steering wheel so they can stay in the lane except heroins because they just knock you out and crash into things like buildings) and one drunk behind me. The guy in front of me would sway to the left and jerk, then sway to the right and jerk. If he'd of been on a dance floor, he'd been really good, but on the country road all he was doing was avoiding ditches. The guy behind me was right on my tail with his brights lit up like he was on the back side of White County heading towards Lumpkin on a river road. It was awful. The reason I call it amateur night is that true "drunk" drivers don't make silly little mistakes like these guys. These guys are the ones that give real "drunks" a bad name. Real drunks drive to work and have empty pints of vodka clinking around under their seats. Real drunks have a bottle in their desks at work or their lockers at school or make sure their classes are close enough to their dorm room for touch ups or line the bottom of their purses with the airline bottles so while they are out shopping they won't have to stop. Real drunks don't drive at nine o'clock at night when the cops are looking for them, they make the four A.M. run because they can't find where they left their morning liquor and are shaking violently and trying not to puke, just trying to get to a 24hr mart where someone will sell to them aka the bootlegger. These guys make the road unsafe, these amateurs. Being sober while they are drunk makes me nervous. I wish they had some kind of service for amatuer nights. In Atlanta there are taxis and trains. In the mountains there are limited taxis, but I know a man who got a DUI on a horse (I think the first clue to the officer was that he was on the horse backwards and passed out, however the horse seemed to know where he was going!). Maybe that will be my fortune maker: "Amatuer night" drivers for those who scare the drunks and the recovering. It would only operate on holidays and weird reasons to be drunk, like Cinco de Mayo. I could even manpower it with the drunks and the recovering. At least they don't scare the beejezuz out of me when I need milk for my morning coffee to avoid the shakes and the... Some habits die hard.