Oh Cecilia, your breaking my heart,
You're shakin my confidence daily,
Oh Celcilia, I'm down on my knees,
I'm beggin you please to come home... come on home

There is something comforting about that song. It reminds me of growing up in a home where music was played on Saturdays once the TV was turned off (soul train came on and was not appropriate for us) and we played outside, with friends, did ugh chores. Mom & Dad had an LP of this song, I guess album. It just reminds me of easier days. Lately my days have been really really hard. I am trying to eat healthier. Ideally, I will lose 20 pounds by the wedding AND be able to eat better so that I don't gain it all back afterwards. That is hard. Today I ate a salad, that I have decided was a bit much, that had baby spinach and something purple leafed that wasn't cabbage, fresh red peppers, pecans, corn, hickory smoked sausage with a home made balsamic vinegar and oil dressing that had oregano and basil in it. Now that sounds amazing doesn't it? First that I would even be willing to eat a salad. Second that it had red peppers and broccoli in it. Finally, that I would think of it to make into a salad dressing? Who is this woman that possesses my body? It is hard. Really hard. I think I was a little heavy on the red pepper though and I think I am going to switch my balsamic to apple vinegar tomorrow. I actually have all these things in my refridgerator. I also have a creamy vegetable dip (I also made it) in case I get snacky. It is really hard. I really am believing in divine intervention on this one. I am not eating between meals either. Really hard. I miss easier times when Mom would make lunch for me and there was always something tasty made. In the mornings I am running stairs. I am not excercising for a minimum of anything. I am just doing it until I get totally exhausted and then doing situps and push ups in between then going and doing it again. I do that before I go to work. I am nuts. I was listening to NPR this morning and they said that there is no miracle diet or pill that will help people lose weight, each person has to find what works for them. I hope this works for me. People say that they can already tell that I am losing weight. I can't decide if they are being nice or not. I won't know until I go weigh in at the dr's.

You know the most comforting thing? Having someone in the house with you even if you are not in the same room. That's the thing I look forward to with John: having a family again. I can remember the music playing an being in my room playing with my Barbies (probably because I had been sent to my room for being bad, but whatever). Mom would be in the kitchen doing whatever or the sun room reading. Carter would be in his world. Dad would be mowing, weeding, gone to see someone, on the computer working on his never ending book. I don't even know what my family does any more. There is no other language other than WEDDING. No more, so how are you? Just Have you booked the? Or how's the whatsit coming along? Have you talked to the ? Or my personal favorite, hang on I'll get your mother. I actually had to tell my mother that I didn't call to talk to her the other day. What ever happened to riding bikes, walking Ms. Cook's dog and tire swings? It is really hard to be familiar right now. Really hard. Of course, I am so tired, I don't have any other language to speak in either. I don't know how to talk in any other way. Not even with friends. Familiar things like football, labor day or autumn is coming are not even in the vocabulary. 66 Days and Panic are. It is really hard. God keeps telling me that this too shall pass. Its temporary. Nothing is real but Me. Everything is an illusion except love. God is love. It will change. Hopefully there will be a tire swing involved in the change.

The nice things about Saturdays was no school. Even if there was some type of school work, it was a pitiful excuse for my teachers to challenge me. These days work just keeps on hitting me. HOLY Smokes some of the things I have experienced, no man should. My guess is that it can only get better from here. I have headaches. I have big questions that why would anyone trust me to make these decisions is beyond me! I mean, what to they think I am? Some kind of adult? There was no notice today that I was thirty. Normally there is a comment, "okay thanks, kid" or "you're too young to know", but today it was all about the action. What have you done, decided, worked out with, facilitated? It is really hard. I mean wow. Who knew that this is why my brother makes the big bucks? God is my new employer, but the stuff we are doing together is frightening. It used to be easy to just play with make-up in the mirrors in my bathroom, which were everywhere. Or go hiking in the woods over to Elizabeth's house, where we could go listen to EJ's garage band next door. He was sooo cute. I could hear my Mom yell for me to come home for dinner.

I am ready to come home...come on home.

Count down: 66 days