So lately I have become lost in a world of Rachel. I felt like I went to a funeral and came back to my life where it didn't exactly stop. There was Iris to sit and friends to help. Then there were movies to watch with other friends. (PS really liked Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Madagascar needs help though) Then Sunday came by and there was a brunch and more friends and then utter frustration set in and then last but not least today set in the fear that was paralyzing. It happens pretty regularly, fear that is-not the paralysis. Typically, I pray my way out of it and move on to the next right thing to do. I somehow wasn't able to conjure anything to do today. I recieved notice that I have been denied unemployment monies to which I am allowed a ten day period to appeal. I have also found out that I can only take the LSAT once between now and deadline for application to law school. ONCE. One shot and I get to wait another year to attempt higher education. That really sucks. My insides couldn't move today. I didn't even make my bed. Normally I would say at least I went to work, but today I can't even say that. I did find out that I am totally capable of internet without paying for it and for computer use without paying for it other than copies. I don't know why I have never used the public library before right now, I just know that I haven't. Will I be here every day? Almost. Somehow it was a comfort to walk in and speak with someone who was cordial, comforting and helpful. It is a quiet environment where generally speaking, my perception is that people are bettering themselves like it or not. Education is something I miss and am ready to reemploy. Working for someone who treats me like an idiot is not. I had one of my co-workers stop by this weekend to make sure I was okay. She had found employment prior to my dismissal and has since been re-employed by our common former employer. It doesn't make any sense, but she was upset that I was not there and wanted to make sure that I was okay. Who would guess? That I would be missed? I told her the truth. I told her that I did something wrong and was fired. The more I think about it the less I want to apply for an appeal on my monies. I think I would get it if I worked on it, but I don't want any money, I think I want a job that means nothing, pays well and will give me plenty of time to bone up for October (that is the only time the LSAT is scheduled: October 1). I think I am going to join the 44 million who don't have insurance for the next five years and go to school full time. I think I hate that I lost a job where I was considered stupid and to this day want to stand up for my self and say that I am not stupid. I want to take a test and prove my point. My insides are paralyzed by fear. My insides are terrified by two words: What if? Prior to walking into the library, I came out of the shower at four thirty in the afternoon, brought my trash down from the apartment, where I had cleaned out my refrigerator with the speed of Mighty Mouse swooping down to save the day, and was on my way to Walmart to buy chocolate icecream (my favorite), milk (it expired today), a calculator I can see and a cd player that I can run with while at Pitts Park across from my house. Two little words put off these self esteem building activities until four thirty today. I thought maybe I might be having a problem with fear because I wasn't writing about it and I wasn't talking about it and it occurred to me that I could write and talk about it at the library before I go to Walmart. Two words took the breath out of me. What did I do until four thirty is probably what you are wondering: Last DVD of the West Wing Second Season. Just like the President, I walked out into a rain storm knowing that Mrs. Landingham was saying, "If you don't want to do it, well, I respect that, but if you don't do it because you're afraid it is going to make you look bad or going to be to hard, well God, Rae, I just don't want to know you at all." I still have quite a bit of time today to study. I have a job that starts the last week of July. Maybe the second to last. Until then all I have to do is baby sit and study to cover my bills. Two little words turned me inside out. Now I feel like I could take on the world.