I will walk through the darkness if you want me too...........

So............darkness has descended on the Green Family. People say that when death knocks, it is a time of celebration for the person is going with God. Sometimes I get that and other times I don't. Sometimes my fear and selfishness become so overwhelming that God becomes a distant light at the other end of the tunnel that seems as though I will never reach, especially in times of death. The last two deaths that happened to be close to me, I don't really remember. People used to laugh in college when others would drink and do something stupid and the next day not remember. I used to not remember a lot. I would drink on purpose to not remember. I blacked out the last two significant deaths in my life. I was apparently very tyranical with one of them and the other one apparently didn't effect anyone but me. This death is not the same. My insides hurt really badly and I don't want to black out or drink. What I really want to do is make the other members of my family feel better. I know I am not that powerful. I think it is mostly that feeling that I feel horrible so I assume they do too. I don't care for the way I feel and if I could change the way they feel, then I would change the way I feel. This is a myth, a lie.............I get it.

There is a pile of clothes in the middle of my bedroom and I can either: a) go around them b) go over them c) move them around d) put them where they are supposed to go (ie the closet, dresser, what have you). This is the idea behind what is happening inside: I can either:a) deny the feelings b) ignore the feelings c) act like the feelings are there and deal with them later or d) walk through the darkness: feel the feelings until they are done being felt.

I will be away at my grandmother's funeral in Waycross for the next couple days. Hopefully, peace will return in my heart. I know that she is at peace and no longer in pain and that is very comforting to me. I really don't like the fact that she will no longer be here to cut the crusts off my bread, open Christmas gifts or sit with the family as we stand around and sing hymns out of the Baptist hymnal. Her smile, camera, kindness, adventures, waffles, carob, spiritual prescence and love will be missed. If there are angels, I think my Grandmama would qualify. Even through her death she teaches me a new experience.