Honesty is a big word, and, it changes things, and, it complicates things and, are you sure your ready for everything that goes along with telling the truth?

Gotta love being cursed with an overzealous sense of self awareness. It makes for great drama. In the drama of life, things today are high class. In the drama of life, I have borne witness to a lot of it this week. Some of it was my drama, some of it wasn't. Some of it was drama that I have had before and some of it, I never want it to be mine again. God is my New Employer and that struggle with despair, I don't ever have to do again. Marilla says to despair is to turn your back on God. I have despaired before, I have been in the depths of despair before, but I am never going back.

I have heard that if it ain't practical, it probably ain't spiritual. If it ain't right, don't do it. If it ain't yours, don't take it. If it ain't so, don't say it. Honesty is such a power breaker for pride, envy, lust, greed, sloth, gluttony and wrath. Honesty sweeps over me with a God-consciousness that I don't know where it came from or why It chose me. As I look at my day today, as I look at my week this week: I saw what was right in front of me as someone being dishonest. Most importantly, self dishonesty in someone else. What I didn't see, is the simple, sneaky, cunning dishonesty of myself.

I made a very low B on my test the other day. I told myself that the professor set me up to fail. That he was rude and belittling not just to me, but to the class as a whole. And he was rude. And he is belittling. Now that I see it, he has had the same act the whole semester. What I didn't realize is that he is not the one who is setting me up to fail, I was. I haven't studied like I did last semester. I haven't taken the same actions I did last semester in order to earn an A. That is why I have a B in marketing, which I don't care about marketing because marketing is boring and unrelated to what I want. But accounting is what I want. For no apparent reason, my sloth? my pride? my hopeless nature for self destruction that wins me big points against self esteem and confidence and takes me downward a road that has a spiral effect...

And then there is a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty, not honesty with others although that is helpful, rather honesty of self, which is what God sees when the day is done.

I didn't study enough for the last test. I might end up with a 3.5 this semester. Ahh...the drama of life. Next we decide in the hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be our Director. 3.5 GPA is a high class problem for me. I'll take that drama anyday.

I like my drama better than other's dramas. I watched someone lie to themselves again: laying the brick in the walk of that rapid, downward spiral. I just am not willing to give up the life that I lead today to be a brick layer.