Ever have one of those days? You know those days?

You hear people talk about those days all the time right? Like everyone knows what on earth those refers to? Well, I have had one of those mornings of those days. I woke up and didn't want to get up. I was so wrapped in fear of my test today that I almost couldn't move. So I prayed. Then, I prayed again. I got out of bed and I got on my knees and ask God to bless me, bless me indeed, bless me a lot, that I might better do His will and not harm others. Yeah, the harm others came shortly there after. I began my routine only to find that I couldn't find my pencil case. I needed my pencil case for the test. And just like that--like getting hit by a sudden tornado--I was a wreck. I tore up my house looking for a pencil case. My poor husband tried to help and there was no help to be had. In the end, he got yelled at. So much for no harm. Once the case was finally found; once the fear of the test was finally acknowledged; once I was sitting down, reading my meditations despite hot cheeks and a headache; once I was back in slight balance, I apologized to my husband and tried to make things right. I asked God to remove the fear and turn my thoughts to what He would have me do (which was feed the dogs). I went to school and took the damn test.

I still have left over fear. It hangs inside of me because I don't know if I got one question right that hooked five other questions. So either I made a high A or a C. My insides are no longer in panic mode, but there is the feeling in the base of my heart of not knowing. That heavy sinking feeling.

Why can't I just lean on God like every normal person instead of turning into a tornado of fear? Rather than indulge that heavy feeling, I have tried to help someone else who is learning to trust God too. I have prayed for God to remove the fear. And now, here I am writing about the fear. I don't know why I want to be the star student. But I know that a lot of my self worth is tied into my grades. Somehow, someday I will let go of that emotional attachment and let God take over that part of my life. Then my self worth will no longer be about my grades, rather that I am a beautiful child of God and worthy of His love.