Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I have been having a very nostalgic couple of weeks. I am well into old movies. I say old movies as though I am watching black and whites, but what I really mean is movies from my childhood. I can't resist the movies I grew up loving, even when they are bad. I rented the Dark Crystal, Swing Kids and Empire of the Sun through my netflix (I don't know why I don't own a copy of Empire). I bought a double disk set of The Parent Trap and The Parent Trap II. It was ten bucks and I couldn't resist. I also bought the Karate Kid. Ah, Carter. I bought it not because it was my favorite movie, rather yours. It has pretty cool extras. It makes me think of that oversized movie poster Carter had in his room for years. And all things considered, for an 80's movie, it was pretty good. Ralph was such a cutie pie as a youngin. Family movies make me love my family. There is something comforting in watching those films. I really liked the family I was raised in, where as most people I know "deal" with having families, I don't. I know I was a pain growing up, but I recognize that and try not to be today. The funny thing about those movies is that I don't watch them. I mean I turn them on in my dvd player and listen to them. At the really good points I stop and look. But I don't watch them. Mostly, they are noise so that I can clean my house, do laundry. Last night I balanced my check book and took a nap.
On another finatical topic: FINALLY I have a balanced check book. It took me until today to finish. Man, I make mistakes. It amazes me how when I don't keep a running inventory of things how knotted my back becomes. How strong my denial becomes. How I compensate for that uncomfortable feeling that comes with particular actions (in this case: swiping my debit card and not honestly knowing how much I have in my account). In case you are wondering how long I have had these complications: since February. Final moment of pain?: I didn't want to get married without a real balance to mesh accounts. This way John doesn't have to know that I haven't had a balance for six months...yeah, that's a lie. He has been bugging me about it since February and I wanted to shut him up: SEE more Pain. Silly me. I knew as soon as I came out with the number that it was the right one without even looking because it just felt right. Relief. Or as Danielson would say "I have balance in my life."
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Grow up or throw upPracticing new behavior is ridiculous. The actual new behavior itself is what makes me naseated. It is as though my body is so overwhelmed by fear that it just revolts. I always thought being an adult would mean going to work everyday, paying bills, hauling kids around to practice something. And maybe going on a date with my spouse by hiring the local teenager. This whole trying taking care of myself thing is unrighteous. Although, I do remember my Mom and her bad jobs. They were really bad. She never quit. I don't know why. I want to quit and I have a great job.
Paying bills is the easiest thing I do these days. I can remember not being able to pay bills though. Gosh, it took every thing I had out of me to pay bills. I thought I wasn't going to make it if I had to pay THAT bill. It was so large and overwhelming. It would take every dollar I had. How was I supposed to drink or smoke? Oh yeah, or eat? I thought the bills were out to get me. Not the people billing me, the bills themselves. I hated dealing with the credit companies; trying to untangle the knot of fear I had worked my way into.
Hauling kids. That would be cool. I think I do that quite often even though they aren't mine yet. Grace and Cooper are finally at a point that they don't care that I am in the car. It used to be a cool thing to ride with me to the house or to dinner or wherever, but these days it is not nearly as cool. I can tell because they are not afraid to whack each other in front of me. I haven't hauled Iris around in a while, but that's okay. She is still really small.
I get to go on dates with the nicest man in the whole world every Friday. And there is no paying of the babysitter. Woohoo!
Michelle reminded me that I have already set boundaries before now. I have set them in my regular life. Things like: I am in bed by ten thirty don't call me after ten! That was a hard one to implement. No one calls me after ten any more. Pumpkinizing is what I call it. My evil twin comes out after ten and if I am in public, I am not responsible for what I might do to you. Most of my friends agree, it is a good boundary. And as a result, I have more friends. So why do I think I will get less respect, be more hated if I set my boundaries with working relationships?
Be grateful for your job: I am grateful for a management position. My perception of what a manager is was wrong. I thought a manager just walked around bossing people. Facilitated events. Deligated responsibility. Yeah, it does, but not really. Mostly it is just another link in the chain. The only real difference is that it is harder to fire me. I am no longer a clock in/clock out kind of invalued employee. I am valued. They is more of a relationship with people. Relationships = boundaries.
Boundaries = new behavior. I have to abide by them and they have to abide by them. THAT IS SO HARD. Fear is more in the crevises of my being than I thought. I can remember as a little girl just before I was baptized that they asked me if I had let Jesus into my heart. I said yes. I mean, where else do I feel the spirit move me but in my heart? Even as a third grader I got that. What I didn't know was that while Jesus was in my heart, fear was sifting through my veins coasting back to attack my heart and make me terrified of life. If I could always just feel my heart, I think I would be alright, because that way I wouldn't have to feel my stomach.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Generally speaking, I am not a mystic. I get that there are some mystical things in life, ie the resurection of Christ; burning bush and Moses; Mom always knowing where my shoes, sun glasses, ball glove, favorite scrunchie... are when we are on the way out the door. However, lately I have come to find that my stress level links to my connection with God and my body.
My girlfriend Jennifer used to believe that physical ailments are related to your spiritual life. She gave me a book that has the ailment and then the prayer to go with it. It never occured to me until just now that maybe she was a scientologist. I don't think so though. The book has a prayer and an affirmation to help with the ailment. In jest, whenever Michelle says makes a comment that her head hurts or back aches, I go to the book to see what the fear is, and what the solution is. It makes Michelle and I squeal with disbelievability because it has yet to be wrong.
I have another book that talks about demonstrating where you are (Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox). If you demonstrate that you are open to sickness (like my brother who is a mild hypochondriac) then you are more likely to get sick. If you demonstrate that you never get sick, then you never get sick. The demonstrations are not acts they are thoughts. The thought process is what links us to God and what links us to ourselves.
Now I have had this information for a while, and I recognize that the consciousness of ourselves within the psychological realm as being slightly mystical too, which studied that in college. I have never really believed in any of it. I feel like the reason you get sick is because a little, dirty germ gets inside and your immune system doesn't work, is low or something else that would cause it to be faulty and you get sick.
This week I was served up a can of "whoopass" by folks at work. These folks are not my boss or my chairman, they are average everyday volunteers. They totalled me. I burst into tears not once, but twice in one day. Classic case of getting kicked while I was down. Strangely, I went home with sickness earlier this week. Sickness, like losing my lunch sickness. Now I know my Mom is going, "oh but you might have caught a bit of what your Dad had." I wish I could believe that. It was a violent one time act that was followed by three hours of sleep, dinner and eight hours of sleep. Then today I am queezy and just icky feeling. "Just nerves" is what a coworker said. "Stress" another one says.
I ask, can stress be so impressive that it makes your body violently reject a perfectly good chicken sandwich?
I have "heard" *not from a Doctor* that stress causes heart attacks (as opposed to clogged arteries and bad eating habits). I don't know. Maybe I do have a touch of a virus. Maybe stress does cause sickness. Maybe I need to go home and look up in that book for an affirmation to solve my distress. Maybe if I think that I am not stressed and sick, I won't be (or I might be prepping my self for a good case of DENIAL).
What I do know is that my work week made me work weak.
Thank you GAWD that it is Friday and with the coming rain, my stress can be washed away into the sleepiness of West Wing, the comfortablity of my little apartment and perhaps some fresh banana bread and bunch of flowers from the morning market. Oh, I feel better already.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
You are Wonder Woman
|You are a beautiful princess|
with great strength of character.
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
Planes, Trains and AutomobilesGet in the car, drive to Carter's
Get to Carter's and sleep to get up on a train,
Take the train to the airport and fly
Fly layover fly
Rent a car, drive to Suncook,
Hangout, shower, play with friends,
Shop, boat ride around the harbor, shop, walk all over the most beautiful old downtown, shop,
Play with friends, hangout, rehearse
Shop, walk downtown, get hair done, real deal
HURRAY!!! LEA ANNE IS MARRIED!!! Stunning. She was stunning.
Play with new friends, old friends and others,
Hangout, dinner, hangout,
Car, Plane, To train or not to train?
Visit Father's Day....Happy Dad's day!!
Concert....WOW...Talk about a voice...and the pianist, can't get any better than that...
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
DramaIn my life this week, I have been unable to write because of the amount of psycho drama occurring. I don't understand how it happens, inevitably, it happens. I tried desperately to stay out of fear and in faith, inevitably it happens. I prayed, I talked, I wrote, I cried and I almost quit. I asked God for some help. I asked God for lots of help. I told him I was doing the foot work, I was not reacting in public, I was reacting with safe people. OKAY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I wanted to quit. I was swearing, I was stomping my feet and crying my eyes out. I wanted to quit. This morning the meditation was about letting go. So I let go. I was ready for a new job. I was ready for a new place. I didn't care about details or how it was going to happen or how I was going to pay my bills or how I was going to make it. God is my new employer.
I didn't quit. I should have, but I didn't. It was a very hard meeting. People said things that were not consistent with their behavior on the phone and in the office. People changed the way they presented things. People laid more work at my feet. People pounced on me. People beat me up. Others stepped forward for assisstance. Others stepped forward to help a sinking ship. Others. . .had more work for me to do.
To be vital, faith must be accomplished by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.
I came out of the meeting in one piece. I came out with a new found support. I came out of the meeting feeling not great but not bad. I still have more action to take. I take more action. I am hungry. I take lunch. I take more action. I sit with authority. I don't like authorities. I am open to suggestions. Thank you God. She tells me that I am honest, hardworking and have put more into the job than anyone before me. She tells me my ugly character defect of mind has reared its head so that she can see it and to beware. I have taken action. I feel better. I am ready for a good weekend in New Hampshire. No more drama. No more drama. Back to serenity. Back to living in faith. Inevitably it happens.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Dixie ChickCoffee is my favorite, but cows definitely wake me up better.
This morning, I woke in the same position I fell asleep in which tells me how hard I slept. It was amazing. I must not have moved at all. Shortly thereafter, I was heading down the driveway (I was at the farm) and there was a cow in my way...calf actually. Now, I don't know much about cows. Generally when I go to the farm the cows turn their backsides to me and walk off. As in butts to you. (I think they know that John, lover of cows, likes me more than them and they are a jealous bunch of heifers.)
I do know that they are not supposed to be in the driveway. They are supposed to be behind an electric fence or hot wire, which is why they don't stampede me when I go to visit John. This calf was standing there, legs spread too wide, must have been a bull calf because of the look in its eyes. I did the only thing I could think of and honked. That calf lept into the air like it had just put its tongue on the hot wire. As it came down it was already in a full scamper back into the area where the wire was supposed to be. I thought it would go over the wire, and it did, however the wire instead of being on the posts, was on the ground. So the scooby-doo scamper was an easier getaway than I thought. The other cows, for the first time in their lives, looked straight at me. I just knew they were coming for me. I panicked. Then the horse, Legend the horse, looked at me and laughed and proceeded out of the fence as I headed back down the drive way to get John.
Yeah, that horse was half way down the road when I got back to the broken fence. I took off after him and there were cars backed up in both lanes wondering what on earth was going on. I used my fancy horse wrangling Saturn skills and whipped up in front of him. He just looked at me like, what do you want. I got out of my car looked right at him and said go home, except in horse language of course, which sounds a bit like "veeet, hee-aah" and a bursting clap of my hands. He politely turned and began back again. Doah-dee-doah... back home I go. (these are the horse thoughts) Then he passed the driveway, so being the cowgirl that I am I swung my fancy Saturn out in front and "aaaaaiiyyt." By this time a woman who is in a big deisel dooley, with two kids and a pair of overalls is helping me on the other lane of the road and blocking his idea to just turn back around and go back. So he looks at me and he looks at her and we both get out of our vehicles at the same time. He made a quick decision of noway man, I am out of here and headed down the driveway. He got lost though and missed the breached fence. She snagged his bridal and led him in through the gap and he led the cows (because all they need is one and they all move...much like the american populace) back across the pasture and away from the broken fence. By this time John comes trotting down the driveway. I say thanks to the lady and she wants to buy a bull calf. John says sure and they exchange information. She heads off to vacation bible school. John and Papa Bud (the cow farmer that actually owns the farm) start putting the fence back together. I head off to work.
I am going to wear my Stetson with pride now. Because I have earned it. I am a true cowgirl and horse wrangler. Papa Bud's comment was funny:
I'll only charge you a quarter for the excitement. I think it is official that I qualify for to be a star. I am a horse wrangling, cow scaring, fiddle playing, liberal-loudmouth....a real life dixie chick.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Sometimes with all of these relationships, it gets convoluted in my head.
My perspective changes constantly. What may have been okay with me five years ago is not so okay with me today. Sometimes, if there has been a recent awareness or awakening, then what was okay with me yesterday is not okay with me today. When there is indecision, that is where convolution comes in. Sometimes I don't know what is okay with me and what is not okay with me. I was talking yesterday with one of my favorite people who happens to be a spiritual guru aka a pastor's wife. She was discussing how in the society which we live there are lots of places where we draw from for our ethics and morals however the place we are supposed to look is in the text, in the Bible. Yes, she is a Christian pastor's wife. Although, I don't know that they have pastors in any other religions, I guess I could have said Rabbi's wife and that would be different. My point is that yes, I seek guidance from people who surround me who typically like myself are Christian. A few are in the dark, but mostly the gurus are Christians. I agree with her point. We should look to the our texts for guidance. I use lots of texts for guidance, generally, I don't place emphasis on any of them because I recognize they are all written by man. None that I know of have God's signature on them. So last night I am reading the Book Of John. Yes, I am still in the Gospel of John. No I still don't understand it. No I can't remember exactly what it said, but what I do remember is that it said to "follow My commandments" which I am assuming are the two Christ gave, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and love your neighbor as you love yourself. (not sure that is verbatum either, but that is what my head read). So in my indecision about relationships, how do I love my neighbor as myself when I have made a decision to seperate myself from my neighbor? Isn't that an unloving behavior? Or is it? Is it loving for both me and another? I have found it to be true as a both. Sometimes I do it out of spite and anger. Sometimes I do it out of protection and defense. Other times I do it out of love. It is just best. My life gets better. Making the decision to stay seperate . . . How did I get to be so extreme about things? ERG.
The way I know I have made a decision is by the action I take with it. One of the nice things about perspective changes is that sometimes things that were not okay with me yesterday, are today. Less convolution.
Love my neighbor.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Whenever there are two or more of you gathered in My name...Sometimes life runs away without me. I have a friend dieing. I have friends getting married. I have friends having babies and adopting babies. I have friends who are desperately seeking God with no avail. I have friends whose husbands are going to Iraq. I have friends whose children are the smartest kids I have ever met in my life. I have friends whose children we are still wondering if they are going to have hair. I have old friends who still want to be my friend even after periods of seperation due to the enduring bonds of love and understanding. My life has gotten away from me. Trying to relate with all of these people on so many emotional levels while maintain some semblence of serenity, compassion and love for myself is . . . surreal.
I have a girlfriend who talks about having always wanted relationships with women like the women in the book The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Now that she is on her journey, she finds that to be true for her on a daily basis. For me that is not so true.
When I was in highschool, I was one of those people who was not distinct enough to stick with one group of people. I was not a jock, but I was an eight varsity letterman. I was not a dancer, but was in the advanced ballet course and pax de duex class. I was not the smartest kid in the class but took five or six advance placement courses. I took private violin and piano but was not a musician. I was on the youth council at church but never in the popular group in Sunday School. It was crazy. Nothing matched yet everything happened. I was happier than I have ever been. I loved being sixteen and seventeen years old. I loved it. I was happy. I knew everyone. I knew absolutely no one. And thusly everyone knew me without ever knowing me.
These days, I want to know everyone again, except this time, I want them to know me too. I don't want to be afraid that someone knows I am vain or insensitive to stupidity. I don't want to be afraid that my favorite superhero is Wonder Woman and my favorite Disney character is all 101 Dalmatians. I am not afraid to say I like you and I really don't like you. I am thoroughly addicted to movies. NO, I didn't like the Divinci Code. I do not want to be in the Ya Ya Sisterhood. I want a relationships with people. Screw the generalities. Give me your heart. Give me your intricacies. Give me you because I would expect no less of myself.
I am really liking life today.