Grow up or throw up

Practicing new behavior is ridiculous. The actual new behavior itself is what makes me naseated. It is as though my body is so overwhelmed by fear that it just revolts. I always thought being an adult would mean going to work everyday, paying bills, hauling kids around to practice something. And maybe going on a date with my spouse by hiring the local teenager. This whole trying taking care of myself thing is unrighteous. Although, I do remember my Mom and her bad jobs. They were really bad. She never quit. I don't know why. I want to quit and I have a great job.

Paying bills is the easiest thing I do these days. I can remember not being able to pay bills though. Gosh, it took every thing I had out of me to pay bills. I thought I wasn't going to make it if I had to pay THAT bill. It was so large and overwhelming. It would take every dollar I had. How was I supposed to drink or smoke? Oh yeah, or eat? I thought the bills were out to get me. Not the people billing me, the bills themselves. I hated dealing with the credit companies; trying to untangle the knot of fear I had worked my way into.

Hauling kids. That would be cool. I think I do that quite often even though they aren't mine yet. Grace and Cooper are finally at a point that they don't care that I am in the car. It used to be a cool thing to ride with me to the house or to dinner or wherever, but these days it is not nearly as cool. I can tell because they are not afraid to whack each other in front of me. I haven't hauled Iris around in a while, but that's okay. She is still really small.

I get to go on dates with the nicest man in the whole world every Friday. And there is no paying of the babysitter. Woohoo!

Michelle reminded me that I have already set boundaries before now. I have set them in my regular life. Things like: I am in bed by ten thirty don't call me after ten! That was a hard one to implement. No one calls me after ten any more. Pumpkinizing is what I call it. My evil twin comes out after ten and if I am in public, I am not responsible for what I might do to you. Most of my friends agree, it is a good boundary. And as a result, I have more friends. So why do I think I will get less respect, be more hated if I set my boundaries with working relationships?

Be grateful for your job: I am grateful for a management position. My perception of what a manager is was wrong. I thought a manager just walked around bossing people. Facilitated events. Deligated responsibility. Yeah, it does, but not really. Mostly it is just another link in the chain. The only real difference is that it is harder to fire me. I am no longer a clock in/clock out kind of invalued employee. I am valued. They is more of a relationship with people. Relationships = boundaries.

Boundaries = new behavior. I have to abide by them and they have to abide by them. THAT IS SO HARD. Fear is more in the crevises of my being than I thought. I can remember as a little girl just before I was baptized that they asked me if I had let Jesus into my heart. I said yes. I mean, where else do I feel the spirit move me but in my heart? Even as a third grader I got that. What I didn't know was that while Jesus was in my heart, fear was sifting through my veins coasting back to attack my heart and make me terrified of life. If I could always just feel my heart, I think I would be alright, because that way I wouldn't have to feel my stomach.