Relationships change. The world changes. The only thing constant is change.

Bleh.

I have the spins from so much change. If you've ever had the spins, then you know what I mean. It is a place where you are so sick that you really need to throw up, but you can't throw up. It is when you have drank so much you can't stand up and want to pass out, but when you lay on the bed, the spins set in and you have to stand up. So there is only one thing to do...force yourself to throw up or take one more shot to pass out.

Since I am not drunk. The spins are not real. It is just how I feel if I sit still for a moment instead of doing something like cooking or cleaning or going to school or sleeping. My emotions are totally whacked out. I had a very important relationship "change" this weekend. Mostly I think that is horse shit. I think I got dumped. It's like being "laid off" instead of being fired: either way you are out of a job. I got dumped by my mentor. She has been in my life prominently for the last eight years. She is the one who taught me how to be sober and how to be a God seeker. She has taught me how to pay bills, clean my house, go to work, be a wife. And now she wants to "change" our relationship. She wants to "just be friends." Just be friends? Is that not the line when people break up with each other? It's like "I need my space." WHAT is that? Horseshit, it is what it is: horseshit.

Spins...I've got the spins.

I am hurt and confused, fearful and angry. I am happy because I have found a new mentor who is awesome. I am down right excited and can't not stop thinking how cool my life is going to be with her guidance. I am ready to cry in an instant given good enough opportunity. Yet, if I cry anymore than I already have, I may not have any tears left for whatever comes next!

What's worse, is I can't help wondering if what my former mentor taught me is totally worthless? Maybe it means nothing? Maybe it wasn't really her teaching me, and what was hers that she taught was just the same as she left me: horseshit? My head says no, what she taught me is valid and worthy; my life is exponentially better because of her God given words. But my heart tells me she is full of it.

I have the spins and what does my husband tell me? Put your foot down. You stop spinning.

Ugh. I wish.