I like her because she smiles at me and always says hello.

I am not someone who is...fuzzy. There are those people who no matter where they are and who they are with, everybody likes them and are very attractive people. They smile a lot. They don't cast opinions. They have a host of friends, some true, some distant. But everyone likes them. I am not one of those people.

Generally, I am intimidating. I know of people who are honestly afraid of me. I am overbearing. I am SOSOSOO opinionated. I am egotistic with some support to be. I really believe that if you so choose to piss me off, I will eat you. Eat you whole.

Women find this harsh and usually after dealing with me, eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's icecream to make the pain go away. Men, just stay away, because I am married. I really only have two male friends, one of which is a political rival and the other a spiritual giant. Then there is my best male friend and I married him so I guess he is more eerrrrr than me.

I do have some good traits, but you have to get through the mess to get to the good stuph and getting there can be more painful for you than you are willing to experience. NOW. This being said...confessed.

A flip side to my abrasiveness is that I am without a doubt social. I go to the parties. I go to the dinners. I am the one with the address list for any event. Flutterbug, that's me. The way that I stay out of trouble is by not staying social too long with one group of people. Only the few, far and inbetween get real time (ie Megan, Sherry, Debbie, just to name a few).

I don't know how this cocktail of a person (that would be me) was concocted, but my guess is Irony, was the key ingrediant.

What I am trying to say is that vulnerability is not my strong suit.

Lately, I got very vunerable with a new woman in my life. With that vunerability came expectations. Expectations, in case you don't know, are premeditated resentments. And my resentment has lasted for months....yes, months. I expect for someone to know that when I am being vunerable with them, they are to honor, treasure, care about that. And in return, they are to be my friend. I have never really tried it that way before, but my understanding is that this is the way it is done. (As opposed to the swimming through the painful mess to get to me.)

I am still hurt today. At least once a day, I feel the hurt. It is a screwed up sense of rejection. I am hurt because a friendship has not been returned despite my honesty and openess. What's worse was that in the process of trying to learn about this new woman she managed to smack me emotionally and verbally as well. I am totally open to continuing the relationship after we worked that out, but she is just...she left. And she doesn't smile at me or say hello any more. I have tons of women in my life who fill my life with love, joy, sadness, smiles, laughter...friendship. And I am hurt, still because she left.

I have huge fears too of her using my vunerability against me. My head tells me it would have been easier to be mean to her. My hurt is not so great today as it was before I confessed my sins before God and another human being, but about once a day...when I am not looking...a sucker punch of anger, fear and old fashioned little girl hurt feelings. Now it only lasts a few minutes as opposed to hours. I am sure that if I continue to pray to God for her Health, Happiness and Prosperity and to relieve my fear, that it will go away completely except the times someone brings it up. And one day, it will be something I can use to help someone else through the same thing. I mean if the experience isn't so that I can help someone else, what's the point, right?

I just wish...she hadn't treated me like a friend for the moments that we tried to be friends, if she was going to go away. It is a painful thing. Worse than with someone physically leaving, because I see her every once in a while. At least if she physically left, I wouldn't have to see her anymore. That would be nice. It would speed this process up. Maybe I should have given this entry the header: Please excuse our mess, growth in process.