Lack of Power is my Dilemma...

this is the underlying factor for many things in psychology including alcoholism/addiction, borderline personality, codependency, and anxiety disorder. i hear over and over that alcohol is but a symptom, the underlying crux is control. people who have panic attacks have stress induced attacks brought on by a percieved lack of control aka fear. while there is medication to treat panic attacks, therapy is better...irrational fear is percieved, not real. then there is real fear: omg i might die, a black bear is chasing me. although... if the bear is not there, heavy psychotic meds will be administered at once, but that has nothing to do with power, that is more on the side of crazy...ha

so today, this afternoon, a gun shot rang out at our farm. my husband was outside watering the dogs when he hit the ground. i came running outside to see if he was okay only to find him perturbed that someone was discharging a weapon on the farm and we didn't know about it. he drove out into the pasture to look for someone near the stump dump because that was the direction the sound came from. i went back into the house...to find the entire house was without power. the percieved fear of a gunshot was really a transformer on the property and one unhappy bird. talk about powerlessness...

people say that medication can treat irrationality, but in reality, faith is the only truth that works for fear...my husband was not afraid to go out into the pasture looking for someone holding a weapon, despite the underlying fear that if someone was out there he could have been shot. that faith brought out the truth that a person was not the culprit of the racket, just an unsuspecting animal. my husband was not afraid. this is new because ten years ago he was.

lately i have had some strange dreams, violent, drunken dreams. i have had a hard time understanding what was going on. i finally realized that eight years ago, about this time, i was so heavily intoxicated, i can't remember days. not like hey, i can't remember what i did last night, but hey i can't remember what i have done since i got on a plane in orlando and flew back into atl on the fourth of july and now it is the tenth of july and i don't remember anything in between. strangley, i went to work, i went to the bar with friends, and i probably came home, maybe. those are just guesses. i think the reasons for my dreams are due to the powerlessness i was experiencing eight years ago both over alcohol and in the figurative language of "boom, boom out go the lights" when i drank. i was anesticizing myself in order to not have fear. i had no control and in order to become empowered, i had to come to believe in a power greater than me.

i still have a lot of fear today, but not the irrational fear i once had. i have a lot more faith today. one thing is for sure, i remain powerless.