I have been told that in order to have self esteem, you must do esteemable acts. How hard it is to take action when the self esteem is so low it registers a negative number? I can tell you. It is pretty damn hard.

I went to the gym today. That is hard when you have negative self esteem. Everyone else around me was better than me. They worked harder. The looked better. They sweated more. I was...

Without.


I am not sure when my self image got so low. In high school, I was a crazy person. I was on a sports team (cross country, swimming or soccer depending on the quarter). I was in a lot of clubs. I was a part of a production (either at school or church or a private concert for violin or piano). I was a decent student: out of 6 classes I made A's and B's with one inevitable C by one point. I went to church on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and evenings and sometimes even Fridays and Saturdays. I had a lot going on and was constantly on the go. I was crazy because even with all of those activities, I always felt like I didn't fit in. I had so many groups I interacted with and none of them was I apart of wholly. I didn't go to school with the youth in the church. I didn't go to the same piano or violin teacher as the kids in the performing arts. I loved the performing arts, but I played instruments, I didn't sing and dance. I was in dance classes but I was an athlete. Nothing fit. I don't know that I had a best girlfriend the entire time I was in high school. I was only ever asked out once in highschool and I never went out on a date. Too boot, I was a mean, arrogant, judgemental girl. I don't know that this made me have low self esteem, but it is the first time I am cognizant of having low self esteem. I don't know that when I was in highschool I was aware my esteem was low because I was still figuring out who I was. I never was worried about my body though. I never found low self esteem in my body image. Of course how can you when you dance for an hour and then after school do a sport for an hour? Two hours of working out everyday makes anyone sleek and wonderful.

I don't know how I got to negative self esteem, but I know that I have it. I know mentally that when I do things like go to the gym, it creates self esteem. So in that sense, I have more esteem than I did yesterday. If I could do that everyday: just do one esteemable act, perhaps I could recreate a ground zero. Maybe even go into the positive numbers of low self esteem. I don't know.

God grant me the strength and courage.