I am having a hard time keeping my spirits up about weight. I don't know why I poop out after trying something for just a little while, but I do. I decided it is because I have a good forgetter. This means that I forget how well I have done before and give up too easily. My head says, "this is really hard and I am no good at it," and poof, I quit. And poof, low self esteem! Amazing how well a forgetter works! I just up an forget the effort already invested.

What's worse is that as I quit things, the quitting compounds as does the low self esteem. It gets to a point where I finally never get started on something--and Oh Well! I am on a track to no self esteem or negative self esteem. In awareness of the repetitive downward spiral, self-destructive behavior, I finally came up with a solution.

I believe in spiritual tools. One of my spiritual tools is taking inventory. This means finding out what I do and don't have; finding out what does and doesn't work. One example is that I used to have a vicious tongue that could cut open a tin can it was so sharp. Today, while I never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut, I recognize that I have the ability to prophesy, that is to say the right thing at the right time with an uncanny truthfulness about the statement that perhaps the person in conversation with me was unaware of the truth. Through taking self inventory, I found out using my mouth to hurt people doesn't work. Telling the truth without hurting people does work. The inventory tells me what defect of character that needs to be thrown out. I ask God for help with the defect: many, many times, he turns it into an asset. It took years, btw, to turn that one around. God's time, not Rae's time.

Today's defect: I am trying to turn this physically unfitness around with God's help, which likewise will take years just like everything else. My part is to keep a daily inventory so I can see progress or slackness, honestly. One of the other things I struggle with along with physical unfitness is housecleaning. There is no doubt in my mind that they are indelibly linked somehow, so I am using the same tool for that one too: inventory. Normally, I use a diary or journal or something on the computer, but this time those weren't working. The funny thing about my inventory this time as opposed to other times is that I keep it (thank you Mom) as though I am a little girl.

One of the things that I remember from being a kid is a chart on the refrigerator with stars. If we did every chore or a certain amount of chores, we received $1 allowance in that week. Carter had his list and I mine. My chores were loading/unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, cleaning my bathroom, emptying trash around the house and picking up pine cones so Dad could mow the grass (eventually I mowed the grass, and then Carter and I went back to pick up). It seems like Carter and I traded off on feeding Fluffy the ridiculously finicky dog. Taking note from my Mom, I realized it would be an excellent inventory tool for me today, so that is what I have done.

I made a chart with all my chores including practicing piano and running. I use smiley faces as I could not find stars (weird). The smiley faces are good, they make me smile. I am able to see two things with this tool: 1) that I have actually done a task x-amount of times and 2) when it is time to do it the next week if it is a weekly thing (i.e. dusting, cleaning the bathroom, etc). It is reassuring. I ran three times last week. I have run once this week and have done weights once this week. Success!

The most important thing this inventory brings me is the eraser for the forgetter. No more thinking this is hard and I can't when I have proof that I can and did. To boot, there is a smiley face cheering me on from the front of my refrigerator. God-bye forgettor, hello smiley face!