if you smile through the fear and sorrow,
smile and maybe tomorrow,
you'll see the sun come shinin',
through,
to you....so smile

While this whole real world job experience has been great and wonderful. The stress, fear and overwhelming sense of impending doom have been constant. I loved the conent of the job as it was posed to me from one point, however, from the other point, I was ravished with an inability to do my job. I don't know if it is because I am by clinical and medical perspectives deemed crazy. That is the clinical term for it, ask any shrink about someone with my condition. Or if the pendulum is true and it had nothing to do with me. Just the same the job is gone. Way gone. Luckily, instead of quitting when I was ready to quit back in June, I got to be fired. Again. This is a theme in my life. I was told (for the first time, which is a good sign of growth) that they were so pleased that I was handling this termination so professionally. I asked them if they expected something less. They said that it was odd that I had so little in my office that was personal. I said that I wanted to quit since June and shortly after, I cleaned out my office. I asked them if they thought I was too stupid to know that they were going to fire me today. They said no, I said, apparently not, other wise they wouldn't have asked the question. I said besides, no fit pitching means when people call and ask would you rehire this person you would say yes, but not in the position she used to have! Fears and sorrows. I took my two plants and my leather binder and went home. I have a nice severance package coming my way and somewhere inside while all of that was happening, I felt relief. I felt better. I felt like now people would leave me alone about real jobs for a change. I felt like I could take a break and breath. God was my employer. I wasn't worried about my bills or my love or my life. I wasn't afraid when they told me to go. I was accepting. I even said a little prayer to say God give me the strength to respond and not react. God give me the strength to be the person I know You want me to be. I cried some. Not really much though. I went to Sherry's flower shop and talked it out. Processed it. Picked up the paper for something more. I made a phone call to a place and a woman overheard my phone call and said she was looking for someone. It is half of what I made before. It does have benefits. It is not a "real job." It is not a pressure cooker like the old job. It is NOT waiting tables. Being fired and hired all within an hour. Unbelievable. I can dance. I can laugh. I can pay my bills.

I can see the sun shinin through to me and you...so I will smile.