It's happening. It's all happening.

I am getting a callous on my finger from so much writing. I write my book notes. I write my class notes. I write my flash cards. I write the minutes for team meetings. I used to get knots in my hands from using a mouse or typing, but the thing about college is that while everything is different, nothing is different. The kids have laptops, cell phones in class, ipods, coach hand bags...can you imagine giving a $500 bag to an eighteen year old? I don't even feel responsible enough and I am much more than eighteen. But no one uses the lap tops in class. They all use pens and notebooks. I figured it would be like Elle at Harvard. Nope, pens, paper, notebooks and text messaging under the desk. The new way to pass notes to the friend--who happens to be across campus.

GT plays at 3:30 on Saturday. In the spirit of nothing changing, I am inviting friends over to watch the game and am going to grill out. No beer though. Beer will be the thing that changes. NotreDame. There was a cool go-get-em article about Tech offense today. It made me more excited about having satellite.

I have my first day off from school on Monday: Labor Day. Whew. That means that I can get way ahead. That will be different. I will actually remember the semester. That will be WAY different.

Don't make any major changes in the first year, but change your whole life. Yep, I have done this before.

I am sick. I have been in denial about my sickness now for about four days. Today I finally fessed up and went to Wally World to buy some sickness fighting medicine. I kept trying to believe that I was allergic, but yesterday really aweful things started to kick in like muscle exhaustion, headache and that ickiness, you know the one that comes with a cold. Now my brother will read this and think he is sick too, but for me, I have to be ssssssssiiiiiiicccckk before I am actually sick. There is a theory that what we demonstrate we are. I put a lot of faith in this theory. So thusly, I am never sick because I demonstrate health. But lately, that has been the farthest thing from my mind. I have been studying and eating healthy and studying. I forgot to stay healthy. It might be because of stress as they say: stress weakens the immune system: thusly, I am sick. I have been stressed. It is hard to eat two and a half cups of vegetables a day when I have been a kid who refuses to eat vegetables. It is hard to be a student who is sober who has been drunk all my academic career. It is hard to practice grown up behaviors when I have only been a grown up for a few years. I sometimes wish I had more experience at it, but I am doing my best with what I have: thus, I am sick. Luckily, the sick fighting medicine is powerful stuff and I am able to function very well on them. I am still very tired, but hopefully my cold will only last for seven to ten days like they say, which means I have three to six days left.

Ugh...I thought Carter was supposed to be the one who gets sick. Ugh... I am sick.

Ainsley Hayes is still my favorite character next to Leo on the West Wing. Mmm...well Josh, or maybe Donna. No, Ainsley Hayes. She was only on for a little while and was totally irreplaceable. She is smart and savvy with debate. She is firm in her convictions and unapologetically quirky. She is educated, elegant and eloquent. And to boot, she is southern. Her ability to endear herself despite her late introduction to the ensemble was done so convincingly that she is immediately commented on when she is not in an episode. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Long blonde hair, educated, autonomous, respected by her peers and grateful of her blessings. Mee tooo.....

I was able to convey myself clearly & concisely in class today without sounding arrogant or abusive. That is not something that I do well, but considering that I haven't spoken to anyone on campus until today, I had the ability to organize my thought process and speak with thinking as opposed to the other option, which I tend towards. Thank goodness someone finally spoke to me. I was begining to believe I had lost my touch. But this young man who was awkward and thin, but had a very obvious awareness of himself, asked me if this is where accounting was and struck up a conversation with me. Turns out he is in one of my econ classes too. Then out of nowhere a young girl joined the conversation. She like me so much, she came into the class and sat right next to me. I was so glad she did, I offered her a stick of gum. Then because this young guy and girl were talking to me another guy started talking to me too...It was like a full fledge social circle. I was so grateful! I was begining to think no one would ever talk to me. Thank you God. I needed an affirmation. TO BOOT, this guy in my english class came in and said he'd been following me around for the past two days. I was surprised. I sit at the front of the class so I don't ever see anyone behind me. He is all of my classes except one. HA. Turns out he is a really cool old person like me. He is 29 and loves a woman in Korea which is why he is so late getting his degree. Isn't that cool? I got to talk to people today. I hope that happens tomorrow too.

I am so tired from being excited about school. Not that I am tired of school. I am not tired of being excited. The excitement is wearing me out. I am physically tired. Yeah, so early to bed for me.

It feels like highschool. Or maybe that is the only thing I have to relate to because that was the last time there were boys in class with me. It is strange to see them in the classroom. It has been so long. Although, the classes are packed with people. That is strange too. At ASC the "big" courses were 20 people. Both of my econ courses have 40-45 people. The army is something strange too. There is an unfamiliarity with fatigues that is terrifying. Then there is the turnover from one class to the other that reminds me of the bells ringing at Avondale High. They would ring and everyone would shift. The same is true here but there are no bells. The same cliques exist: black, hippies, slackers (which sometimes blends into the hippies), military, greek, drama/musicians (they are so easy to spot), the geeks, the beauty queens, the jocks. There is one guy who has walked around all day with goofy/hip shorts on and a golf club: gee wonder what sport he plays! It is so like highschool. And in good fashion, on the first day of school, we have done almost nothing.

I am taking two econ courses that one of the profs owned up that they are almost the exact same course. The prof are the only people that have introduced themselves to me all day. I thought maybe I was supposed to intoduce myself, so I joined a conversation behind me before the second class started and was politely rebuffed. They all have their friends already and I'm so much older than everyone else. The guys all hold the doors open all the time and I say thank you (something else I am not used to, outside of my husband opening doors) and they say "yes ma'am." If my professors call me ma'am, I'll just die. I have a feeling this will be a lonely trek. Maybe not.

I am taking two econ courses that one of the profs admitted that both courses were almost exactly the same. The first prof (an obvious NGA prof)was jovial and prepared for it being the first day. He didn't talk about anything and assumed that no one had read the book. The other one is a uga professor and teaches so abstractly, that I was the only one who took notes. He talked about the entire first chapter, but I guess I was the only one who had read it already and could pick up on the concepts he was tossing around the room. There were a lot of people who were totally in the dark. Did I mention that it was like highschool? Except the grading is drastic. The text is simplistic. The exams are multiple choice...I hope I can remember how to take one of those. They were outlawed at ASC: all blue books. There are quizzes and extra credit in the NGA prof and no extra anything in the UGA prof's class. UGA doesn't even care if you come to class. Uga also doesn't care if you pass or not. NGA prof actually wanted to know your name. Thank goodness the UGA prof is in the middle of the day b/c otherwise, I'd fall asleep.

Then there's the army. There is nothing about them that is normal. Every young cadet is in the sand motif fatigues. When I go to get a bit of something from the student center, they are yelling on the drill field. They are polite. They are concise. They are respectful. They do not hug girls like the commuter boys do. They might sit with a girl, but no touching. I keep waiting to see weapons. But there are none. There are just hats and badges. They salute each other in passing which just about made me stumble as I was gawking while walking.

Different life I am living today than I was living when I on Monday. Different life.

I am a fully registered, book bought student. AND I still have some cash left over. Who would guess? I have been studying for about an hour now and did you know that economics is the science of scarcity and how the individual and society deals with that scarcity? Yeah, I am not even through the first chapter. I feel like I should get a head start seeing as I have two, not one, but two econ courses back to back tomorrow.

Registration was crazy. There were no lines, everything was done online. Advisement was everywhere in the computer lab. There were only about 30 of us who didn't pre-register for Business. Registration is broken down by departments now. I was expecting to run to a professor here there and yonder to get things signed off * then go register at an open hall somewhere with the registrar's office. But nope. It was all in a computer lab: registration & professors all together. I had one professor recommended me one way and another one say, well, I wouldn't do that. So it is a 50-50 shot as to whether it was the right decision on my courses.

I was the first person at the advisement/registration seminar this morning. I received kudos from one prof and my husband reminded me that I wouldn't have made it had it not been for him...did I mention that he makes me coffee everymorning? Yes, I would have made without him, but he does provide great incentive to get up and go in the morning. It is a much better incentive than say, a hangover. I also had one prof who laughed at me the whole time because she would say: this has changed, but you don't care you have a degree; well you need this, but you don't care, you have a degree; can you take this?of course you can, you have a degree. Then another prof would say: "Weren't you the first person here this morning? You need more attention." But the reality is that I was also the first registered out of the dept. I was done by 8:49 am. But I really confused them by showing back up later on around ten. I needed a printer to print out my parking info, so I went where I knew one was. The guy who came in second this morning was still way out in left field when I left to go buy my parking pass which was the last thing for the day. He handed out kudos for being so efficient.

Okay-I think we got that cleared up-nothing effects me (including financial aid) because...I have a degree. I did get a copy of my ASC transcript-uh, yeah that was embarrassing. I can't remember some of the courses I took. I thought I only had one D, in Calculus, but not so much. No wonder my Dad was crying at graduation. It was AMAZING that I graduated. You can really tell which semesters I drank heavily. It is pathetic. But...that doesn't effect me, because I have a degree. My new GPA is 0-0 until I take a test. Clean slate. Nice.

I am studying for Economics. Who would think? I am taking Econ2105 & 06, Acct 2101, Eng 2238 & Mgmt 3361. It sounds really heavy, but mostly just the books are. I paid $600 in books. Thank goodness I had a book voucher for them. I still forked out some of my own money, but nothing too bad. There is only one book for Econ so I saved a penny or two on that one. I only have two books that are used. Hopefully they will all sell back. That would be way cool.

Gosh, I love being a student. It is so invigorating. Back to studying.

Today I did something I have never done before: played hookey. I have always felt obligated as well instill by the rents, to go to work or school or follow through with plans if they are made. This is something I learned a long time ago. We are not lazy. We do not just not go to work. That isn't how it works. But I know that people do it all the time. Seniors play hookey on one specific day to go to Six Flags or folks lay out of work to go to the pool as a "day off". Outside of real holidays or planned vacations, it seems that I have never had the ability to just not go to work. So today I did. I went to work, tied up the loose ends (it IS my last day) and zipped off to the lake. I met up with Sherry and we took off to lay out and talk and catch up to do nothing. It was wonderful. I thought I would feel harried that I didn't go back once we were done catching rays, but nope. I am full of excitement of my next new venture. I am going to school tomorrow. Hurray. I am tickled pink. I drove home from the lake thinking, whew. I get to do something that is all for me. I get to improve my being and not ever take a lousy job again. From here on out I can just be me. I will actually have another degree when I am done: BBA, bachelors in business administration with a concentration in accounting. I will have a trade. Thank goodness. No more hunting or pecking to find out what I can or can't do. I have direction. I have purpose. Wow, that is fulfilling.

It doesn't come by the bullwhip,
It's not persuaded with your hands on your hips and its
Not the company of gunslingers
The epicenter love is the pendulem swinger
She is, She is.....

There is nothing about me that isn't about a pendulum swinging. I do not change by pain. I do not move by discipline. I do not change on penalty of death. I change because that is what I do. I do seek God. I do seek that balance, that serenity that comes with faith. I am not mixed up inside. Yet I am getting ready to change again.

I started on this journey a long time ago. Initially it was as a result of finding out that my degree qualifies me to have a degree and not much more. I was crushed to find out that while I was definitely a student, I was not the best student. Of course I was a drunk student and didn't know it. I still wanted to go on and get more schooling. It was a desire even when I was still drinking. I used to tell people that I was going to go to Ga State to get a masters in abnormal psych or forensics so that I could one day work for an investigation unit of some kind. Unfortunately, I was paralyzed by my drinking and not even able to get out of bed in the morning to even begin to gather information on the idea not to mention do anything other than drink enough to stop the nausea and shakes. Then I stopped drinking and found out that my perception of myself was...warped. I am capable, if I am sober. So now I am sober and I wanted to go back to school.

Being a good pendulum that I am, I looked into law; into nursing; into teaching. Nothing fit. Nothing seemed like something I might be capable of-even without the drink. My desire manifested into my application under the premise of nursing. Seemed reasonable enough and the state is paying folks to get their rns. My life swung right out of that one. Money, property and prestige diverted me from my purpose aka a good looking job. So here I am swinging back into school. This time without any of the aboves as an attempted school ambition. This time I enter with the hopes of accounting. I don't know if it is the right thing. I do know that I am supposed to be there. I am able to be a student. This time I will be a sober student. Hopefully that means I will be an A student instead of a C+ student. There is a definite chance as long as I don't take a drink.

Three more days and I will change. I will go from working girl to student. Pendulum swinging.

There is something to waiting. It can be very painful if there are high expectations. At that point the waiting changes to anticipation. I am slowly but surely waiting on classes at NGSCU. The registration is onTuesday and the classes start on Wednesday. Each day there is something to do. All of it is the action of waiting. First there was the immunization. There was seven days of waiting in that. Then there was the student loans. There was two days in waiting. Then the computer. That was a long waiting because it was double. There was the waiting on the delivery and the waiting on the school. It was hard. My husband even participated in waiting for the computer for two days. It didn't arrive on time so the waiting was even harder. Luckily the matching wireless mouse came a day early and arrived with the computer which eliminated a day of waiting. Then there is the deposit check for enrollment that will be returned after ten days of classes with no drops. Whoa, that means I have to wait into the school year. That means that part of my waiting will actually be taking classes. But it is necessary as a connecting puzzle piece. So that makes it a transitory waiting. Along with everything else, I wait until my job is done. My last day is the day of registration. So waiting for school is also waiting to quit. How coincidental that waiting would be overlapped so well. And here all this time I thought waiting was about service to a table and it's really just about life.

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

Farm life is hot. There is no ac at the farm which means that when it is hot, it is hot. There are fans and they really are uninteresting once the heat reaches a certain level. Although, now I understand what the Sistas felt in the Divine secrets as they lay in their hammocks on their front porches and smelled of sweat and powder. What's worse is that there is no ac at work either. They sent people out to fix it and nothing happened. They will have to cut in a new duct and they don't want to so they never showed back up.

The cows all hide underneath one tree next to the fence line when it is hot like this. They also go down to the creek and just stay there. That is the two places they cling to when it gets like this. It is amazing. My dogs live in the creek. I have decided they need gils. They come up to the house when I come home and are soaking wet with mud and strange things attached to them from the river. The horse doesn't seem to notice. Although he is grey with sweat which is different because normally he is white. Then there is the donkey and he just hides in the cows.

Did you know that I started talking at 4 months? Learned that last night from my Mom. She was looking through the old baby book and found that my first word was DADADADADADA at four months. That's awesome. I have never heard of a person talking at 4 months. I said bye-bye at 71/2 months. That's awesome.

Its hot, hot, hot.

Today was a testing day. It was the second day in a row I tried to get my immunization records in order to register for school. People are telling me no over and over and over. It is wearisome to not lose my temper, yell at someone, cry. I am not sure why it is so difficult to prove that I have been immunized, but it is. How do they do this in a courtroom? Prove, prove, prove...

There is a tool that I have learned how to use a long time ago. I only use it in times of complancency or aggrivation. Typically, I am in action of gratitude. As a result I don't have to drink anymore. But sometimes when I lose that gratitude, I have to actually act it out: a list. I write a list of things that I am grateful for in order to alleviate frustration and thoughts of hopelessness.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

a mini-marathon of Law & Order on TNT
the Braves gaining a whole game on the penant race
not having any embarrassing film on me from Woodstock
reading all seven Harry Potters
having a goal to which I can work towards: CPA
watching the shuttle go up on tv with my husband
that Sherry's home from vacation
being able to read
having a foundation in a faith that is comforting, overwhelming, and miraculous
mighty mikey
coffee my husband brings me every morning
black snakes not in my house
my family
my new computer that will be here on the 15th
credit to buy the computer
my bills being paid
student loans
new indigo girls cd bought with bday gc


Not really all that frustrated any more. What are you grateful for?

We thank then the O Father, for all things bright and good,
The seedtime and the harvest, our life, our health, our food,
No gifts have we to offer for all thy love imparts,
But thou which thou desirest, our humble thankful hearts!

All Good Gifts around us,
Are sent from Heaven above,
Then thank the Lord, Oh Thank the Lord,
For all his Love...

Our readings for our service today were from Hosea 11:1-11; Psalm 107:1-9,43; Colossians 3:1-11 and Luke 12:13-21. Our associate priest gave the sermon and he is also a chaplain at a local college. He took the perspective that these lessons were about wealth. And I guess to some respect they are. He spoke specifically on Luke. He started out with sibilings will be sibilings and how wealth could seperate a family faster than anything. He said that wealth gives the human perception that there is security, prestige and self: who you are. He said that Christ was looking at it as what you can give. He did mention that poverty was not a virtue nor was wealth a sin. He also mentioned that 16 of the 38 parables that Christ taught were on possessions. He closed with a story of a woman in Mississippi who had nothing all her life giving $150K to a college for black children to have scholarships. I found his message noble and seeing as the church is in the habit of raising money, slightly bias. I also felt like he missed the point.

I thought the first lesson was on God calling his rebellious children of Israel, who were committing idolotry to Baals, to him without using force, but rather mercy. The second lesson, a psalm and gradual, was a psalm of thanks for that mercy. The third, the epistle of Paul, was a teaching of what children of God should do: seek things that are above, where Christ is...set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth...put to death therefore, whatever in you is earthly:...greed (which is idolotry). The fourth and gospel is Christ, again God talking to his people through a human manifestation saying: so it is with those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich toward God. The line on these passages was that God wants us to have a relationship with Him. Do what He asks. Come when we are called. Do not fear. He is not going to punish us for our poor behavior rather teach us what is good and right. Then we are to do these things. Christ tells us (which is one of the things we say at every service): Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Why is that such a scary thing for us to do? Why is it that we believe that if we do as we are told as children of God that we will be punished? Or maybe we fear for selfish reasons: not getting what we want or losing what we have. Why is it that we want for worldly things? BECAUSE. Because we are not God. We only have a piece of God when we believe and listen to that still, small voice.

Do Not Fear. Why do we fear? Because we are human. God will not punish us because we are human. He created us. He made us flawed. He will forgive us. All we have to do is ... is... ask. All we have to do is ask. He tells us to have faith. So if we ask, he will give us faith. And we never have to fear again. Look towards Godly things not worldly things. Seek and do God's will. He is telling us to join Him. We are to seek and do God's will.

The passage is not about wealth and gifts, it is about recognizing that wealth doesn't matter at all. It is worldly and we are to look for the non-worldly. We are to do things that are what our Father asks of us. We are to practice with all essence of the word in all aspects of our being: humility.

Maybe I should write my associate pastor a letter... or maybe his goal was to raise church funds for the whatever goal they are into achieving these days. I don't pay attention to church finances. There is a guy in our church who is the president of a bank that does that. I just tithe. That is my part.

How did he miss that? We are to seek & do God's will.

Last post July 12...wow.

I went on vacation for the month of July. I think I got lost. I know that I had a birthday or two and went on vacation, but I don't recall the rest of the month....my husband got fired from his job. That was aweful. But the month is just gone. No recollection of it at all. I didn't even write down in my check book for two weeks. Do you know how hard it is to keep a running tally in your head when you are estimating? Luckily, I have done all that this week. I actually balanced my check book and was only off by $3--woohoo. Managed to get that corrected and tidied up. I wrote in my journal trying to recount the month of July and it turns out I did do a few things:

I decided that just because my husband was fired, it didn't mean that I was or that it would have to impede my ability to continue my job.

I went on a paid vacation for the second time as an adult to the beach. It was great fun with Grace & Cooper & Sherry. I saw dolphins, sanddollars, shells and read the entire new Harry Potter (yeah, in three days). Rested up to discover that I can still go back to school if I want to.

Decided that I did want to go back to school, that I didn't want to be a nurse. Think that I am a good bookkeeper and have decided that maybe I could do something with a CPA. We shall see.

I bought a computer. It will be my first ever personal computer. It is my ASC class color of RED. If I can find a wonder woman sticker to put on it, I will.

And I returned to work to find a mess that needed lots of attention and found myself rested and ready to go back.

Tid bit thoughts for blogging that happened during my lost month:

NPR interviewed a man at the finish line of the Tour de France and asked him his opinion about the doping that seems to be common place in the bikers: he said he couldn't see how these men would accomplish the race without the dope. This seems to be the perspective that people are having on the Barry Bonds thing to: who wouldn't use substances to advance. I am sure you understand why I scratch my head. I have been told that I would be arrested for a felony if I drank and drove. But if I am a baseball player or a bike rider, I can operate on a daily basis for carreer advancement on drugs and it is okay? it is expected? Now I could be wrong, but didn't people win the Tour de France without drugs 100 years ago? Did Hank Aaron use drugs? I mean get real.

Why is it that these people are knowingly using drugs and they don't get arrested? Because they are legal drugs? Cattle hormones are legal? So is a beer, so is nicotine, but if I were to light a cigarette in a Georgia restaurant, I would be arrested for smoking in a legally binding non-smoking facility. So why is it that these athletes are allowed. Why is it expected? Nonsense.

Some other thoughts were on Harry Potter maddness and who knows what else.

I missed the whole month of July. That is amazing.