How sweet it is to be loved by you!

What a wonderful weekend!! I had my first ever house warming and it was a tremendous success. There are several successes that are associated with the warming. First and foremost, I have the cleanest apartment ever. Everything is put away and tucked into the right spot. The shoes are all lined up, the bed is made, and the hardwoods were swifted. It was awesome. I have never had a place so clean. While my place is small and it will have to be maintained on a regular basis. I recognize that the initial unpacking must occur in order to have a maintenance program in place. My house is super clean. Maintenance will be a breeze. That is all because of the house warming. Success!

Then on Sunday, the slicing and dicing began. I made Pam’s world famous apple dip, had a fruit bowl, had sliced apples, ham sandwiches, had cheese and crackers, pound cake. I had everything. I made sweet tea, kool-aid and coffee. I used my mom’s daily ware tea cups and saucers for the coffee and her creamer and it was so fancy! I felt just like Anne (except there was no drunk Diana)! I had munchie bowls that were chex mix and cheetos and pretzels. I felt like a cook in my own snazzy new kitchen. There are still pitchers in my fridge and clean dishes in my dish washer from all the fun. Success!

Then Megan showed. Oh thank heavens. I thought noon would never come. She began to set out her Mary Kay things everywhere. I stepped in and out of the shower and into my khaki Capri’s and hostess top, which was a lovely, blue, crushed velvet that was accented beautifully by the fall feeling weather. Then the people began to arrive!! Person after person and something I wasn’t expecting: Gift after GIFT!! Hurray for party gifts! I couldn’t believe it! My friend Cari said that we need a picture for every gift that was given to me because the reaction was as though each one was the first. I just love presents. I got two sets of lead crystal candle sticks. I got two lead crystal flower vases. I got the coolest two baskets ever. They were weaved out of metal and friendship beads! They are so cool. I got pretty little dishtowels and candy and lavender for my bath. I got another flower vase with silks in it. I got a really neat peppermill which is great because I don’t have pepper or salt! Folks came in two waves, which was good because everyone had a chance to talk and sit and move and talk and sit. The weather was perfect to sit out on the deck and on the white wicker furniture. The windows were open and I had Norah Jones and New Orleans Jazz in the background. Success!

Then the icing on the cake: my cousin Jenny showed. She came in the last of the second wave and stayed the night. She is my first overnight guest and used my handy new pullout bed. She says that it sleeps well. We gossiped, drank coffee and went to the movies. We slept in and stayed in pjs until ten the next day. Success!!

Hey valentine I’m just a stumblin’ around,
Who knew that Paris was such a lonely town?

Oh I feel like a dust ball. There is nothing like unpacking from a basement to let the dust fly. My kitchen is completely unpacked. I put away things according to where I felt like they should go and have decided that almost everything needs a good bathing, which means I guess I will just have to load my new dishwasher and use it! My living room is still box after box and my hallway is pretty dangerous too. The funny thing is that I am so excited about my washer dryer that I will run it for any reason and trying to get back and forth to the unit is a task due to the maze of unpacked stuff. I am having a party on Sunday and all of these boxes will have to be away. I am going to work all night and all Saturday in order to have both unpacked and a squeaky clean home. I am doing fruit trays and cheese trays on the veranda and sweet tea and coffees for drinks. I will have muchie bowls inside and perhaps if I have time bit sandwiches and chips. I would love to do my Mom’s famous cheese dip but I don’t have a fondu pot. I have every other kind of pan in the world though! Megan will Mary Kay me and have all of her stuff out and about too. I am so excited!! Especially once I stop bouncing around boxes like a pinball!

Istanbul is Constantinople…

Thank goodness I finally slept. While I was supposed to be cleaning and packing, I decided I would rather sleep and today is a good day. My apartment is in boxes but I am put back together enough that I will be able to unpack with a clear head and an open mind and not be overwhelmed by my stuff. And I have lots of stuff. I will be tossing out and cleaning up this evening and probably talking politics in between. That is what lost me sleep in the first place. I talked politics first with Alan and then with Mom two nights in a row and never ended up with sleep. Today I got all of my work done and was able to help the Queen B (she needs LOTS of help, thus the name). It’s good to help those who need it. It sure is a lot easier after I have helped myself.

I have been reading The DaVinci Code also. It is another sleep depriver in my life. Politics and Davinci, what a pair. It is really good. It is apparent that he is writing it for a movie script. The chapters are short, the plot is jumbled by three or four story lines intermittent, which I expect to come together here soon, and there are cliff hanger sentences followed by repeaters in the chapter breaks. The thing that gets me is how much research this author did to create such an elaborate conspiracy theory. So much of the theory is real and then there are just off the wall things that they lead to, it is really impressive his connections through conjectures. I can’t wait to get back into it tonight. Of course, it will be after the cleaning and tossing mind you.

Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.


Oh, I don’t think I can get enough sleep. I got seven hours last night which usually is sufficient, however I am still tired. I was up late on Monday night talking about life in general to Alan (well mostly sticking to politics and global affairs and a little about love) and sure enough, last night I talked to my mom for about an hour about the same thing. I just love to talk!

Well the move is through. It is September 1, 2004, which means three things: Mom and Dad are 31 (Hurray for Mom & Dad!!!) years married, my friends in NC are one year of marriage and I am an official Clarkesville resident and can no longer claim Sautee as home. I think Sautee will always be home though. It is kind of like Avondale. Avondale will always be home. It is a feeling not a place. Although today, due to the inability to get to my coffee maker or refrigerator thanks to boxes being everywhere, I went to my local Racetrac for coffee and high carb breakfast food. I didn’t notice it until I got back in the car and turned the key (ooh I used a pronoun with out an antecedent, Dr. Pinka would scream and give me a C). There was an air of confidence in my step this morning. I felt older and wiser. I felt accomplished. I felt like an adult. I felt like an adult and was not afraid of it rather I embraced it and cherish it. Having a great place has its perks.

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside

Oh, I really hate moving. Today is the last day available and today is also the last of the pack. I have three boxes worth left. I have barely unpacked anything from yesterday’s run and there are kitchen things all over my small new space. My brother came to see me on Sunday and that was good because my place was all nice and clean with limited boxes everywhere. I find that I am running out of space. I cut about 300 feet out from my old place and last night I was feeling it. I recognize it is about organizing and that it will take some effort that’s all. I don’t have too much time left and still have my flower vases to pick up from Sautee. Oh and I will have Iris tonight too. I hope I make it. Her Dad is supposed to come get her early so that way I won’t have her till the late hours, which is such a relief. I am really beginning to get into this babysitting thing. I have been hired by the Episcopal Church for $50 on Sunday mornings for the nursery of two years old and unders. I always thought the nurseries in churches were volunteer positions, but I guess they are paid. It will be nice exposure to the community and to the church environment. I don’t know how long I will do it or if it will even be permanent, but for now, it will be fun. Especially for $50 for two-three hours. Goodness. I have never been paid that much for babysitting, except for all day affairs or massive amounts of children (or really bad kids who I don’t want to sit!). Well so be it. I have too much free time anyway.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Oh my! The amount of people in the office this morning was nuts. I get here everyday right at the same time: between 740 and 745 am. Normally I have to wait in the parking lot until someone with a key arrives and so I listen to an NPR article or something. This morning I arrived at the same time and there were five cars already in the front parking lot and as I walked back to my desk, people were everywhere like I walked in during the middle of the day or something. Folks were making comments about me “finally” getting here. The office has been going full blast since then. Everyone is on edge as though we have been working hard all week and it is only Monday! The only person who didn’t notice was my boss. She is always late. She tells me to try and be here early all the time and I say okay, because I recognize that her idea of early is 830. I wish. True to form she showed up at 845 this morning, it was early for her by fifteen minutes. She is a nine to five kinda girl. Thank goodness for me because I can get things done in the meanwhile trying to keep up with her! It was so different this morning. I am so used to settling in to my desk and perhaps write a blog or get coffee or something, but not this morning. It was like stepping onto one of those walking conveyer belts at the airport. Things just flew by me and I had to keep up the pace. Almost like a workout that you can’t feel. Weird.

Oh and you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you

Oh man I love birthdays. Instead of cake and ice cream, there was ice cream cake! It is always nice to fellowship with folks and just have a good time talking about nothing. I got Alex a “circus” rose because it is yellow and orange which compliments his hot, little, yellow sports car. I also made him a card. I have found these neat cards that hold paint really well and now I paint folks their cards for sympathy or birthdays or whatever. They are super cheap too so I can make lots of them, which is good because painting soothes me. I am really excited that in my new place I will be able to play my violin which as much as I hated practicing growing up and used to pitch fits over, now I find soothes me too. It’s like for thirty minutes or an hour I just get all of everything out of my head and can be productive with an immediate result. It focuses me. I was glad to be able to give a card to Alex because he is one of those people who gets me and appreciates me. He also has this uncanny ability to fold me up like a blanket when he hugs me. It feels like I just sink into him and am completely wrapped up by him. I love hugs like that. Whoever I get to spend the rest of my life with I want to hug me like that.

And the dirt beneath my heels in the road
Obeys command to me and serves me as I go

Oh man, I am soooo tired. I was going to try to go by my place in Sautee to pick some things up, but I just couldn’t stand it. I ended up again last night not sleeping until almost midnight. My sleep was so heavy that when my alarm went off this morning I could feel myself come out of the heaviness that comes with that type of sleep. Michelle says that it is not surprising that I am not sleeping well. She says that I have too much going on and I will just have to wait it out. Oof. Maybe I will sleep on Monday. That would be a good day to sleep. I have strong, strapping young men with young backs who are going to move my dresser up three flights of stairs on Saturday. It should be interesting. The rest of it will be going in different directions. I am already tired just thinking about it. Tonight is a birthday of a friend, Alex. How I love Alex. He is such a wonderful person. We are going to do cake and ice cream which means no moving for me. Playing hard, working hard makes for a tired girl.

And in plays to write the wire in
I'll come back again
Torching time talking rhymes in
I'll come back again

So Carter thinks that I should marry Nick Davis. Well, okay. I accept. The strangest part of all of it is that about a day ago I saw a boy about 12 or 13 who looked like I remember Nick looking when he was that age. He was so close in physical appearance that he took my breath away at first glance. Speaking of the Avondale folk, I got my pictures back from the fourth of July. Some are good, most are bad. The one that turned out the best is the one of Hunter, Carter and KC. How wonderful all three of those men are. The nice thing about that generation of Avondale is that they mostly turned out okay. My generation of Avondale, well, being that they are hard to come by these days, seems to be spread out and just gone. The last time I saw Alan Chastain he had really interesting tribal tattoos and wasn’t in school, rather just hanging out (that was when I was at ASC) and Tommy Brooks was about to hike the AT, which was about the same time. He was going to take six months off of school to do it. I am sure that Justin Evans has been arrested by now and there was me and that Davis boy. Last I heard he was fine and me…well I am doing pretty well for myself. I am as self-supporting and independent as is expected; have a great new apartment with a nice little job; can’t get a man if I wanted to (which is par for the course) and have enough friends to keep me socially active for several years. Strangely enough, one of the reasons I like Clarkesville, where my new place is, is because it reminds me of Avondale in the residential areas and Decatur in the business areas. It is safe and genuine. It is apparent that the kids there grow up together. There is a park and everything, the only thing missing is a pool.

Eat, drink and be merry/For tomorrow we die/'Cause we're tripping billies

Oh my, what a relief. For the past couple of days, I have been staying at the new place. It is so nice. I am still getting used to the new noises (or lack there of) but I am sleeping sound. I know when I have become completely comfortable with the place when I start dreaming. That is the way it has always been. I start dreaming and it is all downhill from there. I moved and moved and moved this weekend. Sometimes I moved by myself and sometimes there was someone there with me. My quads and gluts are screaming in agony (three flights of stairs). Hopefully that will subside soon. Last night I unpacked and unpacked and unpacked. Now I can take all of the boxes back and fill them back up! I am trying to make the place inviting and very Rachel. It is smaller than the place in Sautee so it presents its self as cozy. I just have to be careful to not make it look cluttered. I definitely have too many things for it. I had to work at decorating the old place, and this place just seems to warm up its self. Relief.

Happy Birthday Uncle Carter!!!!!

Before my well runs dry
I'm going round round round the bend
Fill it up again

So I went shopping last night. While this means that I didn’t get to buy anything, I did get to look. I went to Kmart for the third time in my adult life, as I am an avid Wal-Mart fan and have never brought myself to cross the street. My girlfriend advised me to go and take a look at the Martha Stewart stuff because I have to get new linens for my new queen size (hurray!)bed that comes with my snazzy new place. So to Kmart I went and from whence I will never go again. They had all this beautiful stuff, but no play fun. By that I mean that all of their bed stuff was preset so as to be easy consumption, however nothing available was something of my taste. I tried to mix and match and finally gave up and left. I was able to pack four boxes the other night, but I wasn’t able to pack any last night and still don’t have sheets to sleep on. I am Wal-Marting it today (even though it will be payday traffic) because I want new stuff. Oh, the things I do for wants. My brother told me when I was growing up though: wanting is good, it builds character. Guess wanting is good today because I get what I want. Ha. Off I go.

I find sometimes it's easyto be myself
Sometimes I find it's betterto be somebody else
So much to say
Open up my head and let me out


I don’t understand how it is that men and women are supposed to be mates with the differences in communication. I speak an entirely different way in contrast to men. Last night I was talking with one of my male friends who I attend church with on Sunday mornings. I was telling him my theory on relationships and how they progress according to where one is in their home. Now, the last phrase doesn’t make any sense unless you know the “porch friends theory,” but that is another blog entry. My point being that I was gabbing on about how I perceive and behave. He is trying to communicate back and begins to give me advice. It occurs to me that he is doing the same thing that my friend Peter does. John did this too when we first met and then figured out how to listen without hearing anything (this is a trait that men develop in long tem relationships apparently). Peter, David and John (well used to John), they try to fix me as though I am some sort of problem. Now, the men who I communicate who are a wee bit more…..I guess informed, is the correct word. They just let me go and talk and talk and talk. I am not looking to be fixed. I am just looking to tell stories and get a reaction or get common feed back (i.e. “Oh! I have done that and this was my experience!” or “Oh my! I am so sorry that happened to you” or “Oh isn’t that just grand!”). Women and informed men get this. They get that I am not a problem nor am I asking for help. There are times where I have to stop Peter and say, “I don’t want help” or “I am not asking for your opinion or advice, I am telling you how it is and nothing more.” Peter sometimes gets it, but when he is not paying attention, he babbles out a solution that has no problem. My Dad also does this. He tells me how to fix things that aren’t broken. Dad has gotten better in his age. More mellow. I think he is beginning to fall into the informed category. There are men in my life who just let me talk (and I like to talk….about nothing, just talk), that is why they are still apart of my life. Women, just swap stories. Men fix things. I think this is why men are so activity oriented, much like their communication: it gives them something to do.

Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered am I

Man, my life has taken wings and flown off with out me. I mean it! There are so many things to do and not nearly enough time to do all of them. I still have not even begun to pack. I have, however, gotten the keys to the place and have permission to move in whenever I please. Hurray!! I might spend the night this weekend just for fun. It is so cool. I think that the first thing I will do is install my new Wonder Woman switch plate that I got from Carter for my birthday. This weekend is packed. I am supposed to go to the theatre Friday with a troop of girlfriends, go to a bbq all day on Saturday, plans with friends for dinner and fun on Sat night, Sunday I am supposed to move furniture. Oof. I have been slammed at work. I mean slammed. I haven’t even read the NY Times yet this week! For all I know we have a new president! (Whoa, that would be a miracle!)

home again home again, jiggity jog.....

i am at home visiting with the folks. i am supposed to be in sautee packing for the new apartment. yes, i have a new apartment. i can't remember if i have written about the new place on my blog yet because i have been really busy lately. it is beautiful. it is a small studio type apartment. it is partially furnished with hardwood floors and fancy molding. it has heating and ac (which i haven't had since i lived in atl) and a washer/dryer (hurray no more laundry mats with scary people!). it has all kinds of luxuries because it is on the square in clarkesville. there are a dozen restaurants within walking distance. there is a movie store across the street. there is the flower shop, oh the flower shop. it is five miles from work and ten from wally world. there is no street noise because it faces the backside of the square. all of these things and more are why i am so excited. although for some reason i don't want to pack. i can't decide if it is because the task is overwhelming, i am lazy or if it is because i am afraid. generally speaking, fear is a typical motivation. God has given me this beautiful place to go and i am afraid to go. there is a verse from james that i like: faith without works is dead. somehow, that is motivating. it is about action that shows faith. so i guess i should pack....tomorrow. i should pack tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To YOU!!
Happy Birthday to YOU!!
Happy Birthday DEAR CARTER!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And many more!!!!!
Happy 26!

Hola amiga! ¿Como estas? Muy Bien, ¿y tu?

We have begun on the mighty trek of conversational Spanish. While I recognize that not everyone has had six years of Spanish class, I have never taken conversational Spanish. This means that while I can read and write Spanish all day long, I cannot speak it in communicative sentence to save my life. We are taking “Spanish for Healthcare Professional” from North Georgia Tech for staff development. Last night was our second night and the teacher has yet to teach. She seems nice enough though. I realize she has a lot to offer us because she is bilingual. She just doesn’t seem to be conveying it. Although, it may have something to do with me having too much exposure already and this being the beginning stages of the course. It is funny to see the folks in the office wandering around saying tidbits of Spanish here and there. The Spanish language with a THICK southern accent is very funny. There are all kinds of words that suddenly change meaning in the Spanish language if not pronounced correctly and folks are saying some crazy things round here. Buenos Nachos!

In the heart of every girl is a woman waking up

Oh, a week off from blogger, exactly what I needed. I got a little busy last week and I needed to cut something so it was cut. What a relief to be back and not quite so busy. Oh let’s see, what are the highlights: got a new apartment. That is the biggy. It has hardwood floors, crown molding, washer/dryer, new kitchen appliances, heat and ac, has a back deck (none of these things have I had in YEARS!). It is partially furnished. So I gave away my couch set to a family who had nothing. The rest of my furniture is going in ten different directions as well.

We hired a new sales rep here at work. She is nice and will have to be trained in the middle of the sales season which will be crazy, but necessary. The Savannah office is officially open and running and no sales rep yet, yet there are orders like crazy. The beach boys still aren’t here (for those who don’t know, the beach boys are these two guys from California who are buying us out). Hopefully, they will show up this week, doubtful though. I am taking a Spanish class here at work as a refresher and because it is for healthcare professionals so it will be something to take with me. It started last Monday and is every Monday for the next ten weeks.

Cutesy girlfriend movie of the week: Little Black Book. Worth a matinee with the girls. It was better than I expected it to be and has a cool surprise at the end. Great movie for artists everywhere on DVD: The Company. It is about the Jeoffrey Ballet. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date…..

Oh my. Oh my. There is so much to do and so much to say that I can’t think of anything. The whole world is coming to Sautee and Helen tomorrow night. Larry is thirty and I am four. Who would guess that Alice would be sick? She is sick. But maybe just maybe, everything will happen the way it is supposed to and everything will fall right into place. Oh my. Oh my.

Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a declaration made over two hundred years ago: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”; the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles. 

Mom told me that I just had to read his speech from last night.  I was busy babysitting so I didn’t get to spy the convention last night.  So I read today.  I am convinced: I would vote this man for President faster than I would for John Kerry.  He is awesome.  In his speech, he not only praised the presidential candidate, he praised the vice-presidential candidate, he crossed party lines to encourage a bi-partisan state, presented platform beliefs and abilities and most importantly he continually highlighted his constituents with knowledge of their concerns specifically addressed and uplifted for both his state and the nation to hear.  Wow.  It is nice to have a man who recognizing his privilege and responsibility in addressing the nation from the confines of the perception of the democratic convention.  The only thing that I didn’t appreciate in relation to his speech was that when his staff flunkies typed it out for his web page, they did so as though he were speaking with no regard for the grammatical errors all over it (i.e. fragmented sentences, dangling participles and the like).  Graybeal would go nuts.  I had to correct it for my blog quote. There are probably some other flaws to him, however I find it interesting that no one will run against him.  That is what some call political power: gear shifting power.    

Daisies are the friendliest flowers. 

Flowers… that was the answer to my trivia question several entries back.  Flowers increase the creativity of employees in the work place.  They are better problem solvers with more original solutions.  They are the employees, not the flowers. 

I love my friends.  Strangely enough there are plenty of them.  Megan and Iris and I went to Big Daddy’s on Sunday night.  It has been forever since we have been out and about.  It was great fun.  She had sushi and I had an uncooked pizza.  Oh, the bad food of Helen just amazes me.  Fortunately, the good stuff is really good at Big Daddy’s but the cheap stuff is really cheap.  Megan is so good at being a mom.  She likes it too, which is really important.  People who don’t like being parents end up in the media: scary.  She likes it and it is cool to see all of her natural instincts shine through.  Iris had fun clapping her hands (this is a great development for an 8 month old) and sucking on ginger.  Turns out that she likes ginger?  I have never had ginger before so I tasted a bit of it and it is good, but pretty intense for a little one.  You could tell when she went from sucking on it to breaking into it.  There was a tremendous face from the tang that was released on her tongue.  Very funny.  I have had quite a good time watching her grow up.  She is a neat kid.  She has also started crawling, which means good-bye baby fat and she has lots of baby fat.  My understanding is that most breast fed children are little chunks.  She will be everywhere here soon.  She is a great baby.  The only time she gets loud is when there are hunger or diaper problems: the basics.  Megan has been one of my bestest friends for the past four years.  She can make me sane or insane in an instant.  When we lived together we used to fight like the gods used to fight over the Olympians.  Now we get along like two peas in a pod.  We are so identical in our actions.  Things differ slightly because she is a mom now and I don’t have those type issues dealt yet (i.e. hormones, men or babies!).  Mostly on Sunday I was very insane and she made everything all better.  She took me out on the boat at Lake Burton and we went swimming and Iris had her first lake swim.  It was great fun.  Then we went to Big Daddy’s later on.  She makes me a better person.  Isn’t that what friends are for? 

Holy, Holy, Holy….Lord, God, Almighty
 

Disclaimer: this is a controversial, confusing blog that if you don’t like opinions you shouldn’t read.  If you do read it and get confused or angry, I am not liable. 

So I went to church yesterday.  I really like the church that I and my friends go to in Alpharetta.  It is quite a bonding experience due to the two hours, well maybe the hour and a half drive it takes for us to get down there.  My friend David has a SUV and we all pile in and go to church.  It varies from time to time who goes and who preaches so it makes it fun in our concerted effort to be spiritual.  The topic for the sermon was “holiness.”  It was part of a series called “Seeing God 20/20.”  The guy preaching was an associate pastor.  I guess the pastor is on holiday for the month.  It was really good.  There were several points that showed that God had transitioned over time and that God’s holiness was eternal and not limited to time.  He said that the holiness was the barrier between us and God and that God broke the barrier by sending Christ.  He said that when we accept Christ that is when God enters our life and individually breaks that barrier to create atonement.  That we don’t go to Him, rather He comes to us.  He said that God is a jealous god and that God is the only God and that was the distinction and motivation behind holiness.  He said that without it, there would be no reason to distinguish God from any others.  God wants to be worshipped only and without other gods to be worshipped by us, which is the point of holiness.  Uniqueness = Holiness.  He also said that God was so upset by the death of Christ that He turned His back on His son and made the skies go black and Christ called to his fathers saying, ”Why has thou forsaken me?”  And God removed His holiness.  This is the part I have a hard time with because he took most of his points about graven images and jealousy and so forth, from the law of the Old Testament.  (Here comes where Rachel’s mind enters and screws things up!)

Holiness according to Webster’s online: “exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.”  I like this definition better.  This implies that one does not worship due to individuality rather due to perfection, righteousness and goodness.  Now, Christ taught that there are two commandments that are the highest and of the utmost important: Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind and soul and Love your neighbor as you love your self.  These are things that I can do as a vagabond.  This is different from the commandments given in the books of law-similar but different.  My point is that maybe God has grown past the point of being a jealous god and is now a loving God who while being just he is not so jealous.  And while yes the original commandments are important and are guides for our lives, that these two superceded the others in the line of importance and getting off God’s bad side.  (I base the fact that God can grow on the basis that we as humans can grow and we are made in His image.)  Perhaps it is not so much that God turned His back on Christ as it is that God sacrificed His son, to perfect the ultimate miracle, reinforcing His holiness, of resurrection and eternal life, not just for Christ, but for everyone who believes in Christ.  That would be what would and has caught my attention and made me more of a believer.  I am more apt to believe and worship or follow, however it is to be phrased, a God that is worthy of devotion because of perfection, goodness and righteousness as opposed to because He is jealous and despairing. 

I like the preacher though.  He had a really tough topic.  He did some neat things to prove his points even though they were lined with fallacies.  One of the prefacing points that he made to the sermon was that he was talking the series over with the other fella who taught the first two weeks of it and the fella said, “So that leaves you to begin with ‘Holiness’” and he responded sarcastically with, “Oh, great, just what I wanted to talk about.”  He claimed that it was a difficult topic for Him to conceive and that He wasn’t really sure on how to present it to the congregation and that he finally found a way.  He seemed nice.  I like to go for the rock n’ roll band who plays before and after the sermon and the testimonials given prior to the baptisms.  It’s like they get it and that is cool.  The rock n' roll band had a really great rendition of "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" this week.  Who would guess you could sauce that song up?  I guess I will have to wait for Andy to get back before I hear another really good sermon.  His was so-so.  Sigh.  

 

Hoo-ya, Master Chief!!
 

Hurray for dave fm!!!!!  It is my generation music.  I can’t believe that I have heard both Peter Gabriel and Cold Play on the same station!!  I typically have every station programmed into my radio because depending on the mood I am in shifts my radio station.  If I am angry: 99X; if I am travelin’: Z93; if I am feeling awfully good or need inspiration: 104.7 the fish; if I am just bee-bopping around town: Star 94.  Not hard.  On occasion there is the ride to work or the shut down for the evening station: NPR.  Or the occasional need to here the oldies, which is a station out of Athens.  Generally speaking it takes a cross combo through out the day to keep up with me.  Then, Z93 turned on me.  It is no longer “Classical Rock”.  It is now “Dave FM.”  I don’t know who Dave is, but I like his music.  I haven’t changed my radio since I heard it.  That is hard to do with me.  No need to because it is just my kinda music.  Carter would like this station: it plays both Counting Crows and John Mayer on a regular mixed basis along with U2 and the REM.  Who would guess?  No DJ’s either.  Nice.  (At least no DJ’s yet!)  Hopefully it will stay that way.  I am so tired of hearing people making an ass out of themselves or responding to the asses that it makes it hard to stay on a station.  The battle, between 99x trying to be the biggest and the baddest on the block and the Fish trying to be the cleanest and the “most” family oriented, is about to make me puke.  I am even willing to sit through the commercials because I recognize that I don’t want to miss the music.  Oh, finally a music station. 

In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind
Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind
 
I want to go to Asheville.  I hope that my Uncle George finds a place soon so that I can go there; although, I might beat him there.  Then he could come and stay with me while he is house shopping.  Last night I tuned into an NPR station out of Charlotte—or maybe is was Charleston, just the same it made me think Carolina and to me there is only one Carolina and that’s North Carolina.  Mountains.  Originally I thought I had tuned into a bluegrass fiddler due to the sounds of complicated double-stops and the violin.  The more I listened the more I realized it wasn’t bluegrass, it was La Folia.  This is the piece of all pieces to me.  It is the piece I played for jury my senior year at Agnes Scott and to this day I am baffled by its variations.  I was listening and the more and more the violinist played the more and more I realized that I have never truly played that piece.  The rhythms were so different.  The pace was tremendous.  It was like a stampede in comparison to a walk.  There was an entire variation that I didn’t even recognize because it was so differently played.  The notes were precise and played with such authority.  I was totally amazed.  The announcer came on at the end to tell me about the piece and the artist.  The artist was Itzak Pearlman.  Nope, my bow stroke or intonation will never sound like that.  Ever.  It made me feel better though.  I mean here is a man who is the best in the world playing a piece that came out of my Suzuki, Level 6, Music Book and I played the same piece, even if it doesn’t even remotely compare.  I have got to get a recording of that so that I can let it echo through my Carolina Mountain Cabin.    

. . . and many moooorrreeee!!!!
 
Yesterday was nice.  My body was still in “I can’t believe we are running mode,” which made it a rather tiresome day.  I was glad to be able to participate in a celebration for one of my girlfriend’s birthday party.  She is 40.  It was supposed to be a surprise, but she got there early and surprised us.  She was still astounded.  She has never had a birthday party before last night.  Can you imagine going through your life with out a birthday party?  I loved my birthday parties.  Anyway, she had a great time with lots of gifts, a cool cake and friends galore.  It was nice to see her smile and I took lots of pictures.  I have known her for a while and she is one of my friends who each time I get to spend time with her she expresses something new about herself.  It’s kinda cool.  I like friends who continue to grow and change.  She is one of those people.  I have known her for only about four years, but we have an unshakable bond.  No matter what comes into our lives or goes out of our lives, no matter if we get separated for a while or if we just drift apart, we always seem to come back to each other: girlfriends in the end.  It is nice having women in my life like that.  The party was tiresome though.  I ended up in bed about nine forty-five.  It scares me when I am that tired, but between the party and running, I was exhausted.  Thank goodness for a comfy bed with lots of teddy bears to make my sleep easy.  
  

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
 
 
Whoops, I missed yesterday.  My boss is on vacation and that means that she loads me down with work.  I get fearful when she gives me so much at one time and I panic into crazy working.  I worked my butt off yesterday.  It will probably result into having not enough to do by the end of the work week, but I can not stand to be so piled upon.  I have had some good team help though.  The Synagis crew has run into a standstill seeing as the “season” hasn’t started yet and probably won’t go full steam until the third week of August.  They have been folder making and bag making like mad for me.  It is one thing down on the list of things to prepare.  When my boss rejoins the human race after vacation she will hit the ground running.  By this I mean that she immediately goes on a sales rampage to all different offices, which inevitably will run me out of supplies.  Thanks to the Synagis crew I may make it without a fault until at least September. 
 
I got new running shoes on Saturday.  My mom and I went to her local sports store.  I walked in, looked at the shoes, pulled one, tried it on and it fit perfectly.  I have never done that before, just bought the first shoe I tried.  Usually it is a headache and I have to go to more than one store.  Not this time.  The shoes were a b’day gift from the folks.  I think that having the first pair I tried on be the shoe I want was a better gift than the shoes!  New Balance shoes are fairly consistent.  They are the ones I ran in when I was in high school.  They fit so well.  I have run both yesterday and today.  Yesterday was hard.  I have to get up early to run.  I find that morning is the best time to run for me and it means that I have to set the alarm for before six.  That is really early for me.  The first day is the worst because I am exhausted all day due to being up earlier than usual.  Today was not nearly as bad and more acceptable to my body.  I am only running a mile right now, but that is all my weakened, no previous running shoes body can handle so far.  I hope to work back up to two miles again.  I was running two miles but my feet and knees gave out due to the bad shoes.  My heart gave up too because of the emotional crap that I went through.  My heart is returning and my determination to be a healthy individual is also returning.  I am glad.  It makes me feel better to run.  I have more energy.  I am not so food concentrated and I am fully awake and alert by the time I get to work.  I don’t know that I will be Forrest Gump anytime soon or even qualify to be a Graybeal, but I am definitely a Green.  Hopefully, I will be able to run the adult run at the Labor Day race this year.  It would be the first time in my life!  Who would guess that I would be an adult at 28? 

Which item when placed in an office enhances employees’ creativity?

A) Flowers
B) Abstract Art
C) Coffee Pot

Everyday is fresh with no mistakes in it 
   
Except for Bobby Fisher.  Poor Bobby Fisher.  I just found out that my mom’s cousins went to see him play Spaskky in Iceland in 1972.  Who would ever believe that they would find Bobby Fisher?  That makes that movie ten times cooler.  My Dad brought that movie home for us and I remember thinking, I have never heard of this.  It was terrific.  I think if I can find it on DVD this weekend in ATL that I will buy it.  What a great story. 

HAHAHAHA!!!

Like Bush really ever had a shot at getting a constitutional amendment through to ban same sex marriage! Although there was an amendment that allowed discrimination on the basis of race so I guess he might have had an- oh- say-1% chance at achieving. Some people categorize me as a democrat, but I categorize myself as a realist. The reality of the situation was that this country has already grown past this issue whether the conservatives of the times like it or not. The awareness is that, ”We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosperity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Stated of America” means that we don’t discriminate. PERIOD. No questions asked. In all reality, the Civil Rights movement set the stage for any minority to brave the path to equality amongst the swell of the majority. What judge in their right mind would hold up a law that says everyone can do this except well, you guys in the purple over there? Who are we trying to kid? Equal is equal. Give it up. As my father would say, “This conversation is over.”

Well yes I'm still running
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Ohh!!! I am so excited!!! I just spoke with the woman who rents the space in downtown Clarkesville, a beautiful apartment! She is going to let me browse on Sunday to see if I like it or not. It is so quaint. I originally called to find out the price and when I did I was sad to know that I would have to sit another year in my mountain house apartment because it was WAY out of my range for rent. She called me back and said, hmmm, I will cut it by an easy hundred bucks. Now, I can afford it! It is close to work and to play. My gas and maintenance would be cut in half on my car expenses which would allow for the little bit higher rent. It has all kinds of comforts like air conditioning, heat, hardwood floors, crown molding and I will get to see what else! I am tickled. Hurray! No more molded couches or molded leather jackets that cost a fortune to have cleaned come winter. No more bugs in my and out of everything I own. More closet space. Oh, more closet space. Hopefully. Hopefully. I am just so excited about change. I am so excited.

God is great, God is good,
Let us thank Him for our food,
By His hands, we are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread
Amen

Sometimes I forget the mystery and the power of God. (Bear with me on this one) One of the things that I have practiced and practiced over and over is to lean and trust in God. This is not something that comes to me naturally. Naturally I want to force a situation. I want to do things the way I want to do them. I will panic and worry. I will obsess to a point of insanity if given a chance over any number of things: i.e. finances, men, plans made with friends, friends themselves, people, family . . .
My toughest thing to turn over to God is my money. Now, my head says: God doesn’t need or use money so I will just manage the money. I wish I could manage money. When I manage money, I go out all the time, can’t pay my bills for anything, but can always afford my new item. Over time, God has placed certain people in my life who have first, been people who I can listen to and second taught me how to maintain a level of discipline with in myself that has translated to my finances. The promised result reins: everything gets taken care of when I follow the guidelines given. In the last month there have been some tumultuous emotional waves in my life. Whenever I go emotionally nuts, I end up broke. It is inevitable that my discipline goes right out the window when I go nuts. I wasn’t sure what to do about being emotionally nuts and broke this time around. I was tired of trying to fix and save and squeeze out each penny. I finally decided that it was none of my business as to what to do and that I would have to 86 some luxuries for a month in order to get back on track. This is something I have done in the past and am totally capable of doing it again. I just worked out my figures to guestimate my upcoming paycheck to find out what I would cut this week. The thing is there was no way of planning on going emotionally nuts and coinciding with crazy overtime. So my financial difficulties aren’t so difficult! I couldn’t have planned for that if I had wanted. It resolved two things: first, me being nuts, second, me being broke. Work has occupied me so much in the past week that my emotional stability seems to be stabilizing its self. Work is also stabilizing my budget!! God is good, really good.

I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive

Wow, What a weekend!! I had no idea it would go by so quickly! There was work, movies, friends and fun! It was a really long and hard weekend for which I will probably not truly feel the effects of until mid-Wednesday. I saw “The Notebook” on Friday night and it made me cry!! I mean boohoo-’ed! It is the date movie for married couples everywhere. Saturday….oh Saturday….Working six days is not my cup of tea however, eight hours of overtime doesn’t bother me in the least! We had a “retreat” on Saturday for some specifics at work. It was nice, but long. Being a peon, I couldn’t find any reason for me to be there. It seemed more management oriented. I think the reasons the peons were there was to make us feel important even though we aren’t. I was grateful once it was all said and done so I could go to the coffee shop and do nothing. After about an hour there I went home to freshen up and off to Alice’s to meet for dinner with several friends. Saturday was my fourth anniversary so I invited an intimate few to eat dinner before picking up a chip. It was nice. I really enjoyed myself. Sunday, I tried my best not to move. I was fearful that if I didn’t take my rest while I had the chance that I would end up in crazy world by Monday morning. I have to be prepared for work otherwise I am cranky and sarcastic and just misplaced mentally. My attitude goes right to the gutter if I am not well rested. So I stuck close to home. I did go out twice: once to return movies and get groceries; once to go meet with friends and talk about God for the night. I watched “Monster” Sunday morning. Ugh. What a story. Some stories are best left unsaid. That was one of them. Too much, way too much. Although I agree as to why Charlise won the Oscar. She definitely deserved it. She actually deserved it years ago for Devil’s Advocate, but the movie as a whole was only so-so even though her performance was tremendous. I watched Cold Mountain again too. I really like that movie. I think it is interesting that it is a movie about love in the south during the Civil War and not a single person in the cast was remotely southern. The soldiers for the extras in the battle scenes were all Romanian! (I watched the special effects too.) I also finished stripping my little night stand!! Hurray!! Finally, I didn’t think that I would ever be able to get those round detailed legs completely clean. I have been told to wait for 48 hours before I re-stain it. I will probably stain it next weekend. That should be a good 48 hours. Oh, I have to do laundry. I should say that I still have to do laundry: probably will be this evening’s task. Ho hum….I am glad that I made it to Monday.

Let’s go to the movies!

Hurray! Inman made it to Cold Mountain (unfortunately for him!). I wasn’t sure that I would ever get through that movie. It just drives me nuts to put off a good movie, especially the epics. The only fault with the epics is that they are inevitably three hours. Oh, but how worth it they are. There is nothing like having hot tea, a bagel with cream cheese, a comfy throw and long snuggly couch to warm up to a three hour DVD. It is somehow just a nice night at home. Now I get to watch all the tidbits that come with the DVD which is really the whole reasoning behind having it. Hurray! I think I will have to do my laundry first though. I hate laundry. It stacks and stacks and never ends (Kind of like the epic). Oh I seem to be in good spirits today. My goodness it is about time.

And in your waiting hands
I will land
and roll out of my skin

Oh, I sure love days off, however, it sure makes my head miss the week. All of sudden it’s Wednesday and I have no idea how I got this far into the week. Yesterday, I tried to slow my week down, but it just didn’t happen. I ended up at a baby shower for a woman who I don’t really know. She works with me and while I don’t work in a tremendously sized company or anything, it is still one of those things that you don’t necessarily know someone when they work in another department. She is in the pharmacy warehouse and has been here since Christmas. She is really nice and seems friendly enough. I just think, well, it doesn’t matter what I think. I did the right thing and went to the party. I was miserably uncomfortable, but smiled and got myself a plate to eat, submitted a gift of diapers and a card, waited for an opportune time and jetted. The really bad part of the shower was not so much the shower its self as was the precursor of buying the diapers. The experience totally set me up for insecurity at the party. I went to Wal-Mart thinking: if I were a mom that’s where I would go to get baby stuff. So I walk in ask the front woman: Where are your diapers? She looked at me smirked and pointed me in the right direction. I then proceeded to the card section, picked out a congratulation-on-the-baby-boy card and headed to the register. I asked the woman at the counter if the diapers were a good purchase. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “You don’t have any kids do you?”
“No,” I replied, she said in all earnest, “You aren’t from around here are you?” I just looked at her and politely said, “No, I am from Atlanta.” She LAUGHED at me. The Wal-Mart lady laughed at me for not having children and being from Atlanta. It made me want to go back to Atlanta so that I would be amongst those who actually graduated from high school along without having two kids by two men and went on to college. Maybe that is a harsh thing to want, but after being laughed at, I am still a bit spiteful. I am glad that I left the party when I did. It gave the gossips less to gossip about me. That was one of the other problems was that those involved were not people that I was attracted to in any form and try to stay away from due to extreme defects that have a tendency to be very ferocious when executed. I felt though that the party was good because I was polite and behaved well. I even helped make the punch and set the table. My Mom would be proud. Afterwards, I went and did my yoga and went to my girlfriend’s house in yet another attempt to watch Cold Mountain. I had yet to get all the way through my new DVD and still am left waiting. We didn’t finish it last night either. It was ten-fifteen, which is on the late side for a school night so the movie was turned off just as Inman was about to make it to Cold Mountain. I guess he will forever remain on the quest until he gets there. I was in bed by ten-forty-five and was grateful that I had a friend who respected me enough to not try to keep me up all night but rather let me sleep so I can better take care of myself. I can’t imagine what my behavior would have been like if I had been at that party yesterday and had no sleep. I’d have been a sassy little devil, I’m sure.

A quick glance
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this

Wow, what a weekend. Things like fireworks are the complete opposite of the premise behind diamonds. I have come to find that people from Avondale are more like fireworks than diamonds. I was so excited to see all the folks from Avondale. Who would guess that they would be just as excited to see me? I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I missed them all so much and I was grateful to be able to see them, that all my expectations were eliminated. Their smiles, hugs and kisses made me realize how much Avondale is home. In leaving it all behind made me realize how quickly it is all gone. I wish I could get it back some days. I think that is one of the problems that I have always had that has not been a problem for my brother: he is really good at maintaining relationships and I can't keep up to save my life. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention, it makes me unbearable and morose. Other times I can revel in the memory and bring forth the love within that memory and it becomes a comfort. Hopefully, the laughter and love of last night will be something that I will have the capability to bring forth in times of need.

Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one

Sometimes I forget that I am in my own movie and I am the star. My perspective gets all shot out by my emotions. Things stretch and warp out. I ended up having a decent little birthday yesterday. People called me all day long. I was sung to by the mariachi band at the Mexican restaurant and got fried ice cream. I was surrounded by friends. It was nice. I finally figured out what made me sad though (and I don’t think I will blog when I am sad again!). I missed my Mom and Dad. They are in New Orleans and normally they are an active part of the day and they weren’t here. Who would guess that my sadness would be so simple? I made plans for tonight and am rev-ed up for the third and fourth. I have Monday off and will be able to work hard on my home and recoup. I am tickled. Emotions are hard things. Well, maybe not to people who have been dealing with them forever, but I didn’t really start dealing with them until about four years ago. Oh, that is going on too. On the tenth I will have four years. Who would imagine that I would not drink and not smoke? Gosh, it was hard not to smoke yesterday. My girlfriend left a pack of cigarettes in my car. I didn’t realize they were there until they called my name and said “SMOKE ME.” Ugh. I loved smoking. I realize that it was bad for me; however, anyone who knows what it means to be a smoker knows what I am talking about otherwise folks just don’t know. I had a smoker from work remove them from my car. I figured just as long as I didn’t touch them, I would have a better opportunity at not smoking them. Things went well, I didn’t smoke. There was a time when I felt the same way about drinking. Now it is not even a glimpse of my life. That is a little miracle. People say that babies are miracles, and maybe they are, but I realize me not having and obsession and compulsion to drink is also a miracle. I thought I would be drunk forever or at least until I was dead. I am glad that is not a truth today. Oh, I had a good day after all yesterday. Thank goodness.

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Bunny BOOOYYYYYYY!!

That is probably one of the funniest scenes from that movie, everything else is sad.

So today I am 28. I am sad and scared, happy and excited and young and old. There is something on the inside of me that is in high anticipation of something grand and wonderful for my day, but I recognize that it doesn’t happen that way anymore and it makes my anticipation of no use, which is confusing. I really want to be little again with a big pool party and all my friends invited, a cookie cake and a Coke-a-Cola theme to boot. I want the Barbie cake with the Barbie stuck in the top and the dress is the cake. I want to go back to Virginia to celebrate with all my friends and have a McDonald’s Playground party: the tons of toys, the smiles and pictures, themed party favors to give away with love and laughter of family and friends. No one is here. There are phone calls from people far away and an office gift of Bath & Body works. There was a cake with candles from my boss with flowers because she knows how much of little girl I still am and is so loving and kind and gracious to love me on my special day. I am so grateful for my boss. She is exactly what I need. I try to pretend that flowers and a ten dollar hurrah are just perfect, but it isn’t. I don’t really want to be 28. It feels too much like a birthday an adult would have. There is a dialogue from one of my all time favorite movies that goes something like this:

“Are we going to be exactly like our parents when we grow up?”
“Not me, not ever.”
“I don’t want to grow up”
“Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“When you grow up your heart dies.”

No one tells you the secrets of adulthood, but what I have learned is that there is one cardinal rule: you can never be a child. No one tell you how much that is going to hurt. There is something about this birthday that makes me cry. I don’t know if it is the absence of loved ones or the lack of importance of the day or if it is just that I have been growing up so much in the past four years and now with such an insignificant number, I am the adult. I am doing things like “nesting” and paying bills and driving cars, making decisions for a future life and somehow, that callous that separates me from the child me, grows and I become a little more disheartened. There is no way to go back. There is no way to stay in that child’s eye and maintain that same blissful, wishful happiness. It doesn’t exist anymore. Grief is what the books and my Dad call it. “Don’t give me any grief,” he says. I can see why he has been telling me that. Heartache hurts. I am sure that there is some reason for celebration amidst all this depressed talk. A day of birth is one of celebration. My parents didn’t even tell me the story of my birth today, that tells me how adult I have become: you were born before they allowed dads back in the delivery room and there was a Philippine nurse who came out to get him in the waiting room; I didn’t hear her at first because of her accent being so heavy; “Mr. Glean, Mr. Glean,” she said; “Mr. Glean you have a dawtaw, you have a dawtaw Mr. Glean!”; you were born at 6:23 PM. (Or maybe it was am, can’t remember) Everyone keeps asking me what am I going to do for my birthday? I think, what I will do is just make it through the day and hopefully the upswing of this day will hit me.

hold on to the thread
the currents will shift

So, yesterday was nice. Mostly it was boring. We have been in process to train a new marketing associate. He is a man. This is strange. He is the third male in the company. There are almost 75 of us total and he is only the third male. Mostly, this contradicts every place I have ever worked, however it is a nice change. Anyway, throw a man amidst a pack of women and poof: Chaos. It used to happen at Agnes Scott all the time. Inevitably, Friday afternoon, someone would scream,”Man on the hall!” and either one of two things would happen: doors would slam all the way down (knowing that it was whoever’s brother) or heads would peek out to see what was walking through. Like I said, chaos. You could tell long before the man walked onto the floor that he was there. It was weird. There is definitely that same air at work. That knowing. Needless to say, it made my job a bit on the long side yesterday. I was grateful for the plans I had made with my girlfriend. I stopped by the coffee shop to ease into the evening. It just takes the buzz right out of my work and allows me to cool off into a comfortable icy drink made special for me by Eric and Anna. After that, I could slip into my comfy clothes of the evening: workout pants, sports bra and a tank top matched up complete with sneakers. Ah, thank goodness for relaxation. I went to Cari’s house and exchanged pictures. She went to Nicaragua for a bit and had some tremendous pictures of people and life there outside of Managua. Oof, was that a bad place, beautiful, but sad. She snagged all kinds of duplicates of the Indigo Girls concert. Then we got into politics. It amazes me how little folks are informed. She was totally in the dark about elections and who was running, who she should vote for and on and on and on. So we talked until about time the sun went down. It was comfy being at her home. I had to go on because I needed groceries (coffee and milk, two essentials to the morning routine). I went down to Clarkesville to get them. It was out of the way, but the drive down 197 is just irresistible. Beauty at its best: there is something about the curves cut into the mountains main-framed by a river. It makes for a great drive. I took the short and sweet, straight and narrow back to the apartment. By the time I got home and curled into bed with lights out, I knew I had had a good day. I thanked God by saying my prayers and headed off into wonderland.

You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams…


So my personal crap is limiting my ability to talk of any particular subject for the blog. All it makes me realize is how consuming things can be when I let them. It has been a tough couple of weeks and I am sure that it is not over yet. I am grateful that it has given me the ability to get a few things done though. My bedroom is back together. I have found someone to take my excess furniture off my hands and I am in process of becoming a serious stripper. Thank goodness for the bedroom. My bedroom looks like me. It looks like who I am supposed to be as opposed to who I have been pretending to be. Strangely enough, it reminds me of my grandmother. I am not sure why, but it does. I can’t decide if it is the head board or the quilt or the placement or the light, but it is something and it is comforting. Some people talk of angels watching over them. Family Circus has an entire plot line that goes along with grandparents turning into angels who watch us from above, which maybe where I get the idea from, but just the same, I recognized that my grandmother was a part of me last night. It was nice. I hope that I can be as kind, loving and spiritual as she was some day. I found someone to take the love seat and big chair off my hands. They seem to be seriously in the way and seeing as I get no use out of them and am really not liking the pattern or style, I am giving them to someone who needs them. Hopefully, they will be moved soon and I will have more room for things I like and are useful. Yesterday I went to the hardware store and had a really nice lady help me get all the things I need to strip my furniture. I tried for about thirty minutes trying to follow instructions on how to get the child proof cap to turn on the “Strip-Ease.” Yeah, never budged. So what I finally did was to use my head and used the back side of the hammer and popped off the child lock and then pried open the “screw on/off” cap. Somehow in the midst of that, I managed to maintain the cap so it would reseal the strip stuff. Amazing. At first the strip stuff really didn’t work. Turns out there is some type of sealant on the furniture (antiquing?) that has to be broken down then, once the sealant is gone, the finish cracks and strips right off like it’s supposed. I didn’t get a good crackle until this morning and then it was time for work. But at least it works. I will probably work some more on it tonight. I am supposed to meet up with a girlfriend and exchange pictures and stories tonight. She went to Nicaragua and we both went to the Indigo Girls. I want to see her pictures of Nic and she of IG. Hopefully there will be some time in there for scraping. I started on the smallest piece first just in case I really screwed up. Thank goodness it is okay. Soon, all the furniture will be me. Ah, well who would guess that this entry would write its self. Hurray.

The hardest to learn was the least complicated…

Wow, What a concert!! The Indigo Girls Rock!! I got three rolls of film too. I was so excited. I have never taken such good pics. Out of 72 pictures I had six bad ones. That is amazing! Baby Iris had a great time. If I knew how to post the pictures I would, but I don’t, so I won’t. I can’t wait to show everyone the pics. I am going to set them up in an album. The crowd wasn’t very cool though. Indigo Girls came out on stage and I stood up and cheered to realize that I was one of two people screaming for them. The other was my girlfriend Megan, although she was two levels up from me, because we got separated. I had to sit back down. I was so embarrassed. After a while though, I didn’t care. I was dancing and singing and taking crazy pictures and just having a great time. We all got the same t-shirts and were as sisters as sisters get for the whole night. I love women. They create great memories.

Sunday seemed as though it would never end because I was so tired from the Sat night concert. I didn’t get home until 1:30 AM! I used to stay out until four in the morning all the time, now, I am warped by ten and to be out until the AM was really hard on my body. I ached from my tip of my head to the tips of my toes. I watched movies, painted a bit and had to go to district. I was so tired that I was in bed by 9:45 last night.

The other cool thing is that my apartment is almost done painting too. I am so grateful. All I have to do now is put it back together. Thank goodness. I am so tired of it being in disarray. I was inspired Saturday morn and just up and painted my bedroom and the trim in the bathroom and in the bedroom. Thank goodness. So hopefully, this evening I will be in my bed in my bedroom! That will be so nice. I am going to strip and refinish my bedroom furniture, but not this week. Man, my place is a wreck. I have got to get some semblance of order before I work on any other projects. Hopefully, the refinishing will be more organized: next weekend, maybe or the next. Who knows, we shall see. July is such a social thing. I have three out of four weekends booked already for July and am not even through June! Sometimes, months are just like that though. July is just like that. I guess I will refinish when I am supposed to refinish and not before.

The OCD says to waiting room of the depressed: “What if this is as good as it gets?”

So my boss has decided to make it her mission to convince me to a) vote for Bush and b) become a capitalist. Unfortunately for her she doesn’t realize that a) I am a Green and b) I went to Agnes Scott. She asked me questions that I haven’t answered since college and today, since all of my tasks are completed and my ducks in a row, I am studying capitalism and socialism. Who would guess that I would have the opportunity to define my reasoning? Something inside of me questioned my validity and I just had to look it up. I think that I needed clarification and the ability to specify as the topic will probably grow over time especially with the presidential election on the horizon. I needed to arm myself for battle and I felt like there were chinks in my armor. The more and more I get my hands dirty into the ideology of capitalism, the more I realize that even if I didn’t believe in it, I am a part of it. I can’t wait to hear what is listed in the socialism aspect. Something tells me that I am not going to find anymore favor in it than I do in the capitalistic pov. When I think of socialism I always remember reading Animal Farm in high school. I don’t want to be poor and ruled by pigs are the main thoughts that cross my mind. Surely there is a mesh that creates a better society. I grasp that there is not Utopia, but I sure wish there were. I am glad I was born here in the U.S.; I got lucky

They sound tired but they don’t sound Haggard
They money but they don’t have Cash
They’ve got Junior but they don’t have Hank!

I was so proud of myself last night. I got home about six thirty pumped and ready to paint. I pulled my hair back into a pony tail, put on my painting outfit (cut off jean shorts and a bandana t-shirt), pulled out the bucket of paint. I cleaned the rollers. I recovered my new/old furniture, which was stacked out of the way, with plastic. I began to stir up the paint. I am stirring and stirring and stirring. It never turned yellow. So I look on the top again to see what color I pulled. It is marked yellow, but it is the white for the trim. So I go to search for the right can of paint. I dig and dig. No paint. I am out of paint. It has taken me forever to get to a point to paint this crazy room and now that I am ready, God says no. Imagine that? Guess I am not ready to paint the bedroom. So I went to Home Depot to get some more yellow paint. I bought a new brush while I was at it. It took up my whole night. Guess I will work on the bathroom for a while before I try that trick again. My bathroom is also still not painted. It will take some real work due to all the nooks and crannies in it. Looks like that it the order of things. I couldn’t believe that I was out of paint. I still can’t believe that I was out of paint. Geez.

there's just enough of you in me,
for me to have sympathy

Well, every time I come home I realize how much of my parents' daughter I truly am. Last night the coveted "Green Dinner" that was for sale at Dad's silent auction, was fulfilled. When I got here last night there were two mammoth young men, who as it turns out are highschool football players, sitting on the couch who were the guest of honors to recieve the "Green Dinner." One of their moms was here too. The more the conversations progressed through the night the more I came to realize how much of a musician I really am. I should have gone on and gotten my degree in music. Should of's aren't really worth anything though. However, I realize that I probably know more about music than the average bear. The other thing that happened that makes me really their kid, as if there was any doubt, I woke up in the early morning sneezing. My Dad and brother have the worst allergies. I think I am allergic to the folks place. Aug. It was such a fit to wake up to and at such an early time! I am still stuffy. I am such a Green.

And you say you had money, you better be sure
'Cause these hard times will drive you from door to door

You know those moments where all the sudden you realize that you are one of those people? You know, those people who always look so stupid going slow in the fast lane. Or those people who just won't get off their cell phone and drive. When you beccome one of those people, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you are embarassed unbelievably so and no one knows except you and the millions of people surrounding you in Atlanta Traffic. My Uncle Oze found it funny my observation/accident traffic last time I was on my way to my parents. I realize why. The thing I don't realize is why these little moments of life happen to me on my way to the folks place. Gosh, today's moment was tough. I was tooling along, windows were down, pony tailed hair flyin away in the wind going 35 miles an hour. I turned on my new Indigo Girls cd and cranked it up. I'm weavin in and out, tryin to see which lane is the best lane to get going in. The fifth song cuts out and all of the sudden I hear a small but rigorously consistent: click, click, click......my blinker has been on the whole cd. Yes, today I was one of those people.

I’m just a lazy orange house cat…

So I have managed to decide that I want to paint my bedroom, yet I haven’t managed to actually follow through with the action. Strange. I pulled everything out of my bedroom except the bed frame because it has swollen shut due to humidity. Pulled the paint cans out of the closet and set them up with rollers and bought new cut-in brushes. I have even figure a way to cover everything immobile. I just can’t actually paint. I can’t seem to find the umph necessary to paint that room. My spiritual advisor says that it is a part of my transformation into a butterfly. Once I clean that area of my life up that it will just paint away. I guess so. That is how it has happened with every other room, which is probably why it has taken me a small lifetime to paint.

So, in the process of all this procrastination, I have decided that I don’t like the bedroom furniture and am going home to get mine and give my current furniture back to the person who gave it to me. Dad said that he was going to refinish my bedroom suite and I think I like that idea. A girlfriend of mine can do it. She used to do it for a living and I don’t see why she can’t teach me a bit, too. It should be fun. I am sure it is work, but it will be good for me: teach me a new skill. It may end up just like the painting though, takes forever to do now that I have made up my mind it’s what I want to do. I can’t wait until I grow up and am filthy rich and can hire people to do this type thing for me.

We are better off for all the things that we let in…

While I am not having the best of weeks, things could be a lot worse and have been a lot worse in my small lifetime. The thing that I value more than anything in my life is the relationships that I continue growing within, the contact that I have with others. I think the reason that I value these relationships is that they are the source and a connection that I have with God. Sometimes I see God working in the events around me, but when I am sitting in the middle of fear, I don’t see God. The only thing I have the ability to cling to is people. Somehow, they talk me out of the fear and bring me back into reality and those monsters that were so large and so horrible are not so bad for a while. Fear seems so devastating when I am in the midst of it. Thank goodness for those who love me. When I let others into my life, my life gets better. Every time, without fail, it happens just that way. No matter how dark it gets, when the clouds cover and the thunder starts, all I have to do is call, write, visit or love those who love me and everything is better off.

My wife, my wife has six thousands different kinds of smiles…..

So my life feels like it is in overdrive and today, it slowed down significantly. It has been going so intense and so quickly that my boss told me I could cut work early and go see a movie. Ho w many bosses tell you that?

So Saturday was good. I went to a ten year old birthday party. It was a UGA theme and everyone wore black and red. The ten year old got enough Georgia stuff to last her until she is at least 16. The coolest gift though was a mountain bike. By far the thing she liked the most. I liked it too. It was a girl’s bike without being too girly and to a ten year old girl who claims tomboy-hood that is really important. It was great fun. I took a whole role of film, which as it turns out, my boyfriend told me after the fact that it was black and white. So it means I have to go to Atlanta to get it processed because there isn’t a real camera place around here (WalMart Photo Lab said they would have to send it off!). I had no idea that I had black and white in there. Ah, such is life.

Then Sunday, John and I went to the family shin-dig. Pam and Bill in their fancy new home hosted the get together. Wow, on the home. Wow, on the amount of family that showed up. I don’t think that much of the family has been in one place in a really long time. Emily talked about how far out Pam lived at Christmas time and I was so grateful at how close she was. She is now the officially closest family. All of the McCallums were there: four brothers and sister. Imagine that. It was great fun and fellowship. I was really glad to see Uncle George and it was nice to see Uncle Carter smiling genuinely. Uncle Oze and Bobby were good to see too and Mom, well, Mom is by far the best of the five. I might be slightly biased though seeing as she gave me life and all.

I was grateful to get home on Sunday. As much as I love and appreciate my family, I think I have found my home here in the mountains. I really love the area and my mountain family is really important to me too. Although, if Uncle George really does move to Asheville, I would say that it would be tempting to go there. I just really like the mountains. There is something about them. I was so glad to see my mountain family Sunday night. It was a real sigh of relief.

The past two days at work have been stressed to the max. I have been here until six both days and have not had lunch. It is amazing how freaky the marketing dept is when all the people are marketing at one time. The nice thing is that the prep is over and now I get to relax and go back to reports and data stuff because instead of prepping, they are marketing and it will be a while before they return (like next week!). Then it will be all hell breaking loose all over again. It happens like that. Storm, then calm, storm, then calm. Luckily, the beach boys will be moving in here soon and then it will be storm all the time, no calm. That’s okay. That is when I am at my best.

Hurray for movie day today. I think I am going to see The Stepford Wives. I can’t figure out what it is about and all Mom says is that it is scary. I counted on it being scary because Christopher Walken is in it. He just freaks me out. So I guess I will go find out at four today.

Tra-la, no marketing people. Tra-la, tra-la, tra-la.

come to send, not condescend
transcendental consequence
is to transcend where we are
who are we? who we are

So yesterday, I was talking to Mom on the computer, talking to Christine in my cubicle and talking on the phone all at the same time. AHHH. Having two conversations typically I am okay with however, three is a bit much for even me. The weird part is that that happened to me four or five times yesterday. Hey Rachel, hey Rachel, hey Rachel…..all at the same time. Crazy. I have no idea if I got any of the answers right or if I made any sense in any of the conversations at all. Hope so. Amazing.

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

OH man, I know that Christina and Carter and Sarah just love to run, but man, has it ever been a struggle to get into running this week. I tell ya, there is nothing easy about it. On Monday I went for my first run in a hundred years. I ran for 21 minutes which was eight tenths of a mile one way according to the Saturn trip meter. It was so hard just to keep moving. My legs began to hurt before I even left for work. Then, Tuesday, I couldn’t move, so I stayed home and rested well. Then Wednesday, I ran for 20 minutes, but didn’t make it nearly as far. I was running so slowly, but I was trying to get my muscles to work out so that they would repair themselves. Sure enough it worked. This morning when I went for a run I went for twenty-two minutes and went the initial length and it didn’t get grueling until the last little bit of it. So I repeated to myself: “God’s beauty, God’s grace,” over and over again. I don’t really know what the significance of the phrase was, it was just what came to mind. It helped me keep moving and not walk though. My muscles were warm today. I actually took a cool shower when I got back to the apartment. Today at work, I actually have had my legs crossed all day. Now, for most people that is nothing, but for someone who hasn’t been able to move for a while and has been too heavy to do so, it is so comforting. I was so grateful that my muscles were loosened that I wore a dress to work today. I have heard that running is the fastest way to lose weight and I believe it. Hopefully, from here on out, it will be peaceful easy feeling, because I don’t ever want to go through the pain I was in on Tuesday again. I will probably run every day for the rest of my life, or at least until I am forty. Especially, if I get to a point where I can solve the world’s problems while on a nice long run. I can’t imagine that, but apparently it happens. Mostly, it takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other at a faster pace than a walk. Gosh, it’s hard. I do like running in the morning though before it is hot or before there is anyone on the roads. The morning is so still and quiet. I love it. Mountains are just awesome in the mornings. That is the part that keeps me running is the mountains.

My brother Freddie said that you only get three wishes.

So In America is one of this year’s greatest movies. I don’t know why I didn’t know about it until DVD, however, now that I have seen it, I love it. The two sisters in it are phenomenal child actresses and the story is so gripping. It is the essence of America. Oh, just rent it. It is great.

So Russell, What is it that you love about music?

Well, to begin with…everything.

How is it that people don’t listen to the radio yet claim to love music? I think that folks don’t get music like I get music sometimes. My super boss “just loves” music. Although, when I used her car to go to the printers today, none of her radio stations were programmed and she only had six cd’s available! How can you “just love” music when you obviously don’t listen to it? Crazy. I have music on 24/7. Never is it the same from one day to the next either. People think that I am insane because of all the music I listen to all the time. While I am crazy, I don’t know that music has anything to do with it. Music highlights my life. I can hear a song on the radio or the melody out of a piece and I have memories associated with them. Great example: Rodeo by Aaron Copeland: goes with my final my freshman year for Music 102. There are hundreds of them that do that. They show up on the stereo and boom another memory. Indigo Girls (any song) go straight to the halls of Winship at ASC. Happy Girl: driving around Decatur when I worked for Outback. Jesus Jones’ “Right Here, Right Now” goes with dancing in the rain with Emily at the pool. It goes on and on. Sometimes I forget that I am a musician until something like what happened today happens. I turned the radio on and there was static. Nothing. The station was 87.8 FM. Can you imagine? I don’t know that I could ever go through life with out music. I wouldn’t make it. Can you see Harry Potter flying through the air without John Williams in the background? Never. Not happening. Ever. I love everything about music. Crazy.

You want to come with me to Morocco?

YES, yes, yes……ask me again.

You wanna come?

Yes, yes, yes……k.

It’s all happening.

It’s all happening.

So this weekend was fun. Friday night I went with friends to Fogo de Chao. It was great. I love that place. It is all you can eat Brazilian style. There were about nine of us and it was great fun. Saturday, I saw the new Potter. I love having a local theatre. I went to the noon showing. It was scheduled in the oversized theatre to compensate for the crowds; however, almost no one came to the noon showing. There was a huge line for the next showing though. It was cool. I am not a book reader, so I can’t compare it to the books. I am just a movie go-er, which means if the movie is good enough, I will read the book (i.e. Cold Mountain). I was really surprised in this Potter, he was angrier than I thought they would allow a children’s hero to be. An avid Potter groupie who I bumped into after the film at the coffee shop said that Potter is much darker in the book than he was even in the movie. He is copying the audio book for me on an MP3 so that I can listen to the books on MP3. Not that I have anything to play them on. He said that it should play on maybe my car cd player, my dvd player or at least if nothing else, my computer. So I guess soon I will have listened to the books even if I haven’t read them! HA! I read the first one in Detox, which was good for me. I am still surprised at how dark Potter is. It was a little disturbing. After that I dawdled at home before going to meet with friends and talk about God. Then I went to John’s farm. I tell ya. I love the farm. It is so relaxing. We went to brunch with the boys on Sunday and then I went to District which was in Blairsville. Talk about a beautiful city. The only down side is that it is built around the giganto four lane and only lasts for a second. It reminded more of North Carolina than of Georgia. It is prettier than, well almost, Sautee.

I don’t know, I went running this morning for the first time in a hundred years to compensate for the gym going bankrupt and I was running past this field that separates my road from Chimney Mountain Road, it has the most awesome backdrop of the mountains. It made getting up early worth it. I hate running, but I don’t have much of a choice. The gym doesn’t actually close until Friday, but I wanted to get a jump on things. I figure this way, my body will adjust to having to get up earlier and to the physical morning exertion that will occur. I only ran for 21 minutes this morning. I figure start little and get bigger. Also, I didn’t realize how much it takes me to wake up in the morning. It took me like ten minutes just to get my eyes to work. The run was hard. I never work out this hard in the gym. I guess that is a good thing though. It means that I will lose weight faster and tone better with not near as much time spent on it. Now I am tired, but not haggard. I am also hungry and it is only ten-thirty! I kind of planned on that though and brought grapes. I think I will try a bottle of water too. Oh, changing behavior is so difficult. Adjustment is everything. If I can just get through the adjustment, I will be fine. I figure it will take about a week, maybe ten days for my body to accommodate for the earlier wake up and a the working out outside as opposed to inside. Running past the mountains really made the run worth it. Hopefully, I will get to go farther with time and will be able to see more beautiful sites in my area of Sautee. That kind of promise gives me hope which fuels that fire to get better.

Make new friends, but keep the old:
Some are silver, Some are gold…

So who knew that my big sister from Agnes Scott would be so cool after all this time? I felt like Carter yesterday. Well, as much as I perceive Carter to be. My girlfriend Vicki came up to visit me. She was on her way back from her month long vacation. She and her daughter were traveling around the east coast and took time to stop in little old Sautee. We did all kinds of things. We walked the strip in Helen, which in all the time I have lived here I hadn’t done until yesterday. We went to the smallest covered bridge in Georgia, which is in Sautee. We went to the coffee shop and reminisced with a fellow graduate of ASC. To sum up the day we ate at my favorite restaurant, Alice’s Restaurant. I went to meet with friends and talk about God while she settled Reagan in for the night. When I came back we had a super slumber party at my house. It was fun. This morning I was so not used to having a little one in the house. I was extra careful to be quiet and in the process of being quiet, forgot my coffee. Erg. Of all of the women who I came into contact with in college, I thought for sure she would be the one I would lose forever. I drank when she got married and I drank when she graduated, trying desperately to put that she was gone out of my mind. It was like if I drank enough it wouldn’t happen, she wouldn’t go away. Strangely, she didn’t but not because of my drinking. I think it is just a God thing. She is the one I have had the opportunity to stay in touch with the most. I would have thought it would have been Elise or Meg who would have stuck around, but neither of those women are present in my life anymore, which is sad, even though it seems to be the right thing. I just knew that because Vicki married a military man early on before we even graduated that she would disappear and she didn’t. She holds an ever present spot in my heart, in my mind and in my prayers. Somehow when I left her and Reagan this morning in the apartment, I drove through the Sautee valley with the Fish in the background playing some of my favorite Jars of Clay, and having a sense of peace, like everything was good and right like it was supposed to be. I am so grateful that she is a part of my life. I had no idea that one day we would each be sober, each of our own volition, but we are. It is unusual to see someone after such a long period of time. She is so grown up. So am I, I guess. She spoke of bringing her husband with her next time. He is in Bagdad right now, but will hopefully be home soon. It means that she will be coming back. Well, hopefully. That would be so cool. Then I would be like my parents who have friends who just show up out of nowhere and stay. Who would ever guess that I would be an adult? Adult enough to have an old friend stay at my house and go to dinner and have children? My goodness, I am not sure if I like this or not. I mean I like seeing Vicki, but I mean having friends who own houses and have children and husbands and go to church and do all those things that my parents have been doing all my life except now they are happening to me! Ah! Guess this means I really am an adult. Erg. I have fought this point in my life for my whole life, but I wouldn’t trade my half a day with Vicki yesterday for the world, it was so wonderful. I am glad she came for a visit.

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Gosh I am tired, but I had a productive Memorial Day. I hung out with John and one of his sons for a while, then off to the movies with several friends and then home to clean like crazy. I cleaned my bathroom, cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator, went to the grocery store and refilled the refrigerator, cleaned up all of my travel stuff, cleaned the living area so as to pull out everything in the bedroom area into the living area so as to clean and prep for paint. Painting is on the agenda for the evening. I think that this will be the longest ever in painting history. I also prepped all my lunches for the rest of the week, made myself dinner and went to meet with friends to talk about God. I was so exhausted when I got to meet with folks that I have no idea what the heck was talked about or what was said. I just needed to be there. I was supposed to go today at lunch, but after not hearing anything last night, I decided that it would be a waste. I didn’t get into bed until 11:15 and was so wound up I didn’t sleep until well after that. When I go clean crazy, I go clean crazy.

Gosh I am tired, today I cleaned both my boss’s office and my cubicle, so I guess the cleaning crazy isn’t quite out of my system yet. I want to sleep so badly that I think that I am going to skip the gym, go home, take a nap, wake up and paint. I am so tired. I have done my best all day at work to stay away from people because I noticed early on that my tongue was not speaking appropriately. It was making all kinds of mean comments that no one wanted to hear. The upside of being tired is that it breaks me down and keeps me really focused on the task at hand. My ability to multi-task goes right out the window. One task only thank-you.

Gosh I am so tired. I am so surprised by my outfit today. Not only did I manage in my tiredness to make it match, it is a new outfit. Well, not really. One of the things I noticed about shopping with my Mom on Saturday was that it doesn’t make any difference what length the pant leg is. I have had this pair of Liz Claiborne pants that I quit wearing because they were too short. They are really fancy and well made. I couldn’t give them to good will they were so fancy. I found this not so dressy, but nice, shirt, white with black ribbon lining around the neck. Between the too short fancy pants and the sort of nice shirt and my way too tall black sandals, I look like a fashion plate. Who would guess? I was so tired this morning; I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to what I was doing. I expected to get to work with a sock attached to my head like in the comics. Thank goodness God dressed me. He did a great job. I am really tired. I feel like how I have seen my brother feel before: when he would get off the bus from Chamblee after being on it for what seemed like forever. He would have to go home and study forever before he’d just konk out. That is what I want to do: Konk out. I am really tired.