. . . and many moooorrreeee!!!!
 
Yesterday was nice.  My body was still in “I can’t believe we are running mode,” which made it a rather tiresome day.  I was glad to be able to participate in a celebration for one of my girlfriend’s birthday party.  She is 40.  It was supposed to be a surprise, but she got there early and surprised us.  She was still astounded.  She has never had a birthday party before last night.  Can you imagine going through your life with out a birthday party?  I loved my birthday parties.  Anyway, she had a great time with lots of gifts, a cool cake and friends galore.  It was nice to see her smile and I took lots of pictures.  I have known her for a while and she is one of my friends who each time I get to spend time with her she expresses something new about herself.  It’s kinda cool.  I like friends who continue to grow and change.  She is one of those people.  I have known her for only about four years, but we have an unshakable bond.  No matter what comes into our lives or goes out of our lives, no matter if we get separated for a while or if we just drift apart, we always seem to come back to each other: girlfriends in the end.  It is nice having women in my life like that.  The party was tiresome though.  I ended up in bed about nine forty-five.  It scares me when I am that tired, but between the party and running, I was exhausted.  Thank goodness for a comfy bed with lots of teddy bears to make my sleep easy.  
  

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
 
 
Whoops, I missed yesterday.  My boss is on vacation and that means that she loads me down with work.  I get fearful when she gives me so much at one time and I panic into crazy working.  I worked my butt off yesterday.  It will probably result into having not enough to do by the end of the work week, but I can not stand to be so piled upon.  I have had some good team help though.  The Synagis crew has run into a standstill seeing as the “season” hasn’t started yet and probably won’t go full steam until the third week of August.  They have been folder making and bag making like mad for me.  It is one thing down on the list of things to prepare.  When my boss rejoins the human race after vacation she will hit the ground running.  By this I mean that she immediately goes on a sales rampage to all different offices, which inevitably will run me out of supplies.  Thanks to the Synagis crew I may make it without a fault until at least September. 
 
I got new running shoes on Saturday.  My mom and I went to her local sports store.  I walked in, looked at the shoes, pulled one, tried it on and it fit perfectly.  I have never done that before, just bought the first shoe I tried.  Usually it is a headache and I have to go to more than one store.  Not this time.  The shoes were a b’day gift from the folks.  I think that having the first pair I tried on be the shoe I want was a better gift than the shoes!  New Balance shoes are fairly consistent.  They are the ones I ran in when I was in high school.  They fit so well.  I have run both yesterday and today.  Yesterday was hard.  I have to get up early to run.  I find that morning is the best time to run for me and it means that I have to set the alarm for before six.  That is really early for me.  The first day is the worst because I am exhausted all day due to being up earlier than usual.  Today was not nearly as bad and more acceptable to my body.  I am only running a mile right now, but that is all my weakened, no previous running shoes body can handle so far.  I hope to work back up to two miles again.  I was running two miles but my feet and knees gave out due to the bad shoes.  My heart gave up too because of the emotional crap that I went through.  My heart is returning and my determination to be a healthy individual is also returning.  I am glad.  It makes me feel better to run.  I have more energy.  I am not so food concentrated and I am fully awake and alert by the time I get to work.  I don’t know that I will be Forrest Gump anytime soon or even qualify to be a Graybeal, but I am definitely a Green.  Hopefully, I will be able to run the adult run at the Labor Day race this year.  It would be the first time in my life!  Who would guess that I would be an adult at 28? 

Which item when placed in an office enhances employees’ creativity?

A) Flowers
B) Abstract Art
C) Coffee Pot

Everyday is fresh with no mistakes in it 
   
Except for Bobby Fisher.  Poor Bobby Fisher.  I just found out that my mom’s cousins went to see him play Spaskky in Iceland in 1972.  Who would ever believe that they would find Bobby Fisher?  That makes that movie ten times cooler.  My Dad brought that movie home for us and I remember thinking, I have never heard of this.  It was terrific.  I think if I can find it on DVD this weekend in ATL that I will buy it.  What a great story. 

HAHAHAHA!!!

Like Bush really ever had a shot at getting a constitutional amendment through to ban same sex marriage! Although there was an amendment that allowed discrimination on the basis of race so I guess he might have had an- oh- say-1% chance at achieving. Some people categorize me as a democrat, but I categorize myself as a realist. The reality of the situation was that this country has already grown past this issue whether the conservatives of the times like it or not. The awareness is that, ”We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosperity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Stated of America” means that we don’t discriminate. PERIOD. No questions asked. In all reality, the Civil Rights movement set the stage for any minority to brave the path to equality amongst the swell of the majority. What judge in their right mind would hold up a law that says everyone can do this except well, you guys in the purple over there? Who are we trying to kid? Equal is equal. Give it up. As my father would say, “This conversation is over.”

Well yes I'm still running
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Ohh!!! I am so excited!!! I just spoke with the woman who rents the space in downtown Clarkesville, a beautiful apartment! She is going to let me browse on Sunday to see if I like it or not. It is so quaint. I originally called to find out the price and when I did I was sad to know that I would have to sit another year in my mountain house apartment because it was WAY out of my range for rent. She called me back and said, hmmm, I will cut it by an easy hundred bucks. Now, I can afford it! It is close to work and to play. My gas and maintenance would be cut in half on my car expenses which would allow for the little bit higher rent. It has all kinds of comforts like air conditioning, heat, hardwood floors, crown molding and I will get to see what else! I am tickled. Hurray! No more molded couches or molded leather jackets that cost a fortune to have cleaned come winter. No more bugs in my and out of everything I own. More closet space. Oh, more closet space. Hopefully. Hopefully. I am just so excited about change. I am so excited.

God is great, God is good,
Let us thank Him for our food,
By His hands, we are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread
Amen

Sometimes I forget the mystery and the power of God. (Bear with me on this one) One of the things that I have practiced and practiced over and over is to lean and trust in God. This is not something that comes to me naturally. Naturally I want to force a situation. I want to do things the way I want to do them. I will panic and worry. I will obsess to a point of insanity if given a chance over any number of things: i.e. finances, men, plans made with friends, friends themselves, people, family . . .
My toughest thing to turn over to God is my money. Now, my head says: God doesn’t need or use money so I will just manage the money. I wish I could manage money. When I manage money, I go out all the time, can’t pay my bills for anything, but can always afford my new item. Over time, God has placed certain people in my life who have first, been people who I can listen to and second taught me how to maintain a level of discipline with in myself that has translated to my finances. The promised result reins: everything gets taken care of when I follow the guidelines given. In the last month there have been some tumultuous emotional waves in my life. Whenever I go emotionally nuts, I end up broke. It is inevitable that my discipline goes right out the window when I go nuts. I wasn’t sure what to do about being emotionally nuts and broke this time around. I was tired of trying to fix and save and squeeze out each penny. I finally decided that it was none of my business as to what to do and that I would have to 86 some luxuries for a month in order to get back on track. This is something I have done in the past and am totally capable of doing it again. I just worked out my figures to guestimate my upcoming paycheck to find out what I would cut this week. The thing is there was no way of planning on going emotionally nuts and coinciding with crazy overtime. So my financial difficulties aren’t so difficult! I couldn’t have planned for that if I had wanted. It resolved two things: first, me being nuts, second, me being broke. Work has occupied me so much in the past week that my emotional stability seems to be stabilizing its self. Work is also stabilizing my budget!! God is good, really good.

I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive

Wow, What a weekend!! I had no idea it would go by so quickly! There was work, movies, friends and fun! It was a really long and hard weekend for which I will probably not truly feel the effects of until mid-Wednesday. I saw “The Notebook” on Friday night and it made me cry!! I mean boohoo-’ed! It is the date movie for married couples everywhere. Saturday….oh Saturday….Working six days is not my cup of tea however, eight hours of overtime doesn’t bother me in the least! We had a “retreat” on Saturday for some specifics at work. It was nice, but long. Being a peon, I couldn’t find any reason for me to be there. It seemed more management oriented. I think the reasons the peons were there was to make us feel important even though we aren’t. I was grateful once it was all said and done so I could go to the coffee shop and do nothing. After about an hour there I went home to freshen up and off to Alice’s to meet for dinner with several friends. Saturday was my fourth anniversary so I invited an intimate few to eat dinner before picking up a chip. It was nice. I really enjoyed myself. Sunday, I tried my best not to move. I was fearful that if I didn’t take my rest while I had the chance that I would end up in crazy world by Monday morning. I have to be prepared for work otherwise I am cranky and sarcastic and just misplaced mentally. My attitude goes right to the gutter if I am not well rested. So I stuck close to home. I did go out twice: once to return movies and get groceries; once to go meet with friends and talk about God for the night. I watched “Monster” Sunday morning. Ugh. What a story. Some stories are best left unsaid. That was one of them. Too much, way too much. Although I agree as to why Charlise won the Oscar. She definitely deserved it. She actually deserved it years ago for Devil’s Advocate, but the movie as a whole was only so-so even though her performance was tremendous. I watched Cold Mountain again too. I really like that movie. I think it is interesting that it is a movie about love in the south during the Civil War and not a single person in the cast was remotely southern. The soldiers for the extras in the battle scenes were all Romanian! (I watched the special effects too.) I also finished stripping my little night stand!! Hurray!! Finally, I didn’t think that I would ever be able to get those round detailed legs completely clean. I have been told to wait for 48 hours before I re-stain it. I will probably stain it next weekend. That should be a good 48 hours. Oh, I have to do laundry. I should say that I still have to do laundry: probably will be this evening’s task. Ho hum….I am glad that I made it to Monday.

Let’s go to the movies!

Hurray! Inman made it to Cold Mountain (unfortunately for him!). I wasn’t sure that I would ever get through that movie. It just drives me nuts to put off a good movie, especially the epics. The only fault with the epics is that they are inevitably three hours. Oh, but how worth it they are. There is nothing like having hot tea, a bagel with cream cheese, a comfy throw and long snuggly couch to warm up to a three hour DVD. It is somehow just a nice night at home. Now I get to watch all the tidbits that come with the DVD which is really the whole reasoning behind having it. Hurray! I think I will have to do my laundry first though. I hate laundry. It stacks and stacks and never ends (Kind of like the epic). Oh I seem to be in good spirits today. My goodness it is about time.

And in your waiting hands
I will land
and roll out of my skin

Oh, I sure love days off, however, it sure makes my head miss the week. All of sudden it’s Wednesday and I have no idea how I got this far into the week. Yesterday, I tried to slow my week down, but it just didn’t happen. I ended up at a baby shower for a woman who I don’t really know. She works with me and while I don’t work in a tremendously sized company or anything, it is still one of those things that you don’t necessarily know someone when they work in another department. She is in the pharmacy warehouse and has been here since Christmas. She is really nice and seems friendly enough. I just think, well, it doesn’t matter what I think. I did the right thing and went to the party. I was miserably uncomfortable, but smiled and got myself a plate to eat, submitted a gift of diapers and a card, waited for an opportune time and jetted. The really bad part of the shower was not so much the shower its self as was the precursor of buying the diapers. The experience totally set me up for insecurity at the party. I went to Wal-Mart thinking: if I were a mom that’s where I would go to get baby stuff. So I walk in ask the front woman: Where are your diapers? She looked at me smirked and pointed me in the right direction. I then proceeded to the card section, picked out a congratulation-on-the-baby-boy card and headed to the register. I asked the woman at the counter if the diapers were a good purchase. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “You don’t have any kids do you?”
“No,” I replied, she said in all earnest, “You aren’t from around here are you?” I just looked at her and politely said, “No, I am from Atlanta.” She LAUGHED at me. The Wal-Mart lady laughed at me for not having children and being from Atlanta. It made me want to go back to Atlanta so that I would be amongst those who actually graduated from high school along without having two kids by two men and went on to college. Maybe that is a harsh thing to want, but after being laughed at, I am still a bit spiteful. I am glad that I left the party when I did. It gave the gossips less to gossip about me. That was one of the other problems was that those involved were not people that I was attracted to in any form and try to stay away from due to extreme defects that have a tendency to be very ferocious when executed. I felt though that the party was good because I was polite and behaved well. I even helped make the punch and set the table. My Mom would be proud. Afterwards, I went and did my yoga and went to my girlfriend’s house in yet another attempt to watch Cold Mountain. I had yet to get all the way through my new DVD and still am left waiting. We didn’t finish it last night either. It was ten-fifteen, which is on the late side for a school night so the movie was turned off just as Inman was about to make it to Cold Mountain. I guess he will forever remain on the quest until he gets there. I was in bed by ten-forty-five and was grateful that I had a friend who respected me enough to not try to keep me up all night but rather let me sleep so I can better take care of myself. I can’t imagine what my behavior would have been like if I had been at that party yesterday and had no sleep. I’d have been a sassy little devil, I’m sure.

A quick glance
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum
I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this

Wow, what a weekend. Things like fireworks are the complete opposite of the premise behind diamonds. I have come to find that people from Avondale are more like fireworks than diamonds. I was so excited to see all the folks from Avondale. Who would guess that they would be just as excited to see me? I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but I missed them all so much and I was grateful to be able to see them, that all my expectations were eliminated. Their smiles, hugs and kisses made me realize how much Avondale is home. In leaving it all behind made me realize how quickly it is all gone. I wish I could get it back some days. I think that is one of the problems that I have always had that has not been a problem for my brother: he is really good at maintaining relationships and I can't keep up to save my life. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention, it makes me unbearable and morose. Other times I can revel in the memory and bring forth the love within that memory and it becomes a comfort. Hopefully, the laughter and love of last night will be something that I will have the capability to bring forth in times of need.

Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one

Sometimes I forget that I am in my own movie and I am the star. My perspective gets all shot out by my emotions. Things stretch and warp out. I ended up having a decent little birthday yesterday. People called me all day long. I was sung to by the mariachi band at the Mexican restaurant and got fried ice cream. I was surrounded by friends. It was nice. I finally figured out what made me sad though (and I don’t think I will blog when I am sad again!). I missed my Mom and Dad. They are in New Orleans and normally they are an active part of the day and they weren’t here. Who would guess that my sadness would be so simple? I made plans for tonight and am rev-ed up for the third and fourth. I have Monday off and will be able to work hard on my home and recoup. I am tickled. Emotions are hard things. Well, maybe not to people who have been dealing with them forever, but I didn’t really start dealing with them until about four years ago. Oh, that is going on too. On the tenth I will have four years. Who would imagine that I would not drink and not smoke? Gosh, it was hard not to smoke yesterday. My girlfriend left a pack of cigarettes in my car. I didn’t realize they were there until they called my name and said “SMOKE ME.” Ugh. I loved smoking. I realize that it was bad for me; however, anyone who knows what it means to be a smoker knows what I am talking about otherwise folks just don’t know. I had a smoker from work remove them from my car. I figured just as long as I didn’t touch them, I would have a better opportunity at not smoking them. Things went well, I didn’t smoke. There was a time when I felt the same way about drinking. Now it is not even a glimpse of my life. That is a little miracle. People say that babies are miracles, and maybe they are, but I realize me not having and obsession and compulsion to drink is also a miracle. I thought I would be drunk forever or at least until I was dead. I am glad that is not a truth today. Oh, I had a good day after all yesterday. Thank goodness.

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Bunny BOOOYYYYYYY!!

That is probably one of the funniest scenes from that movie, everything else is sad.

So today I am 28. I am sad and scared, happy and excited and young and old. There is something on the inside of me that is in high anticipation of something grand and wonderful for my day, but I recognize that it doesn’t happen that way anymore and it makes my anticipation of no use, which is confusing. I really want to be little again with a big pool party and all my friends invited, a cookie cake and a Coke-a-Cola theme to boot. I want the Barbie cake with the Barbie stuck in the top and the dress is the cake. I want to go back to Virginia to celebrate with all my friends and have a McDonald’s Playground party: the tons of toys, the smiles and pictures, themed party favors to give away with love and laughter of family and friends. No one is here. There are phone calls from people far away and an office gift of Bath & Body works. There was a cake with candles from my boss with flowers because she knows how much of little girl I still am and is so loving and kind and gracious to love me on my special day. I am so grateful for my boss. She is exactly what I need. I try to pretend that flowers and a ten dollar hurrah are just perfect, but it isn’t. I don’t really want to be 28. It feels too much like a birthday an adult would have. There is a dialogue from one of my all time favorite movies that goes something like this:

“Are we going to be exactly like our parents when we grow up?”
“Not me, not ever.”
“I don’t want to grow up”
“Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“When you grow up your heart dies.”

No one tells you the secrets of adulthood, but what I have learned is that there is one cardinal rule: you can never be a child. No one tell you how much that is going to hurt. There is something about this birthday that makes me cry. I don’t know if it is the absence of loved ones or the lack of importance of the day or if it is just that I have been growing up so much in the past four years and now with such an insignificant number, I am the adult. I am doing things like “nesting” and paying bills and driving cars, making decisions for a future life and somehow, that callous that separates me from the child me, grows and I become a little more disheartened. There is no way to go back. There is no way to stay in that child’s eye and maintain that same blissful, wishful happiness. It doesn’t exist anymore. Grief is what the books and my Dad call it. “Don’t give me any grief,” he says. I can see why he has been telling me that. Heartache hurts. I am sure that there is some reason for celebration amidst all this depressed talk. A day of birth is one of celebration. My parents didn’t even tell me the story of my birth today, that tells me how adult I have become: you were born before they allowed dads back in the delivery room and there was a Philippine nurse who came out to get him in the waiting room; I didn’t hear her at first because of her accent being so heavy; “Mr. Glean, Mr. Glean,” she said; “Mr. Glean you have a dawtaw, you have a dawtaw Mr. Glean!”; you were born at 6:23 PM. (Or maybe it was am, can’t remember) Everyone keeps asking me what am I going to do for my birthday? I think, what I will do is just make it through the day and hopefully the upswing of this day will hit me.

hold on to the thread
the currents will shift

So, yesterday was nice. Mostly it was boring. We have been in process to train a new marketing associate. He is a man. This is strange. He is the third male in the company. There are almost 75 of us total and he is only the third male. Mostly, this contradicts every place I have ever worked, however it is a nice change. Anyway, throw a man amidst a pack of women and poof: Chaos. It used to happen at Agnes Scott all the time. Inevitably, Friday afternoon, someone would scream,”Man on the hall!” and either one of two things would happen: doors would slam all the way down (knowing that it was whoever’s brother) or heads would peek out to see what was walking through. Like I said, chaos. You could tell long before the man walked onto the floor that he was there. It was weird. There is definitely that same air at work. That knowing. Needless to say, it made my job a bit on the long side yesterday. I was grateful for the plans I had made with my girlfriend. I stopped by the coffee shop to ease into the evening. It just takes the buzz right out of my work and allows me to cool off into a comfortable icy drink made special for me by Eric and Anna. After that, I could slip into my comfy clothes of the evening: workout pants, sports bra and a tank top matched up complete with sneakers. Ah, thank goodness for relaxation. I went to Cari’s house and exchanged pictures. She went to Nicaragua for a bit and had some tremendous pictures of people and life there outside of Managua. Oof, was that a bad place, beautiful, but sad. She snagged all kinds of duplicates of the Indigo Girls concert. Then we got into politics. It amazes me how little folks are informed. She was totally in the dark about elections and who was running, who she should vote for and on and on and on. So we talked until about time the sun went down. It was comfy being at her home. I had to go on because I needed groceries (coffee and milk, two essentials to the morning routine). I went down to Clarkesville to get them. It was out of the way, but the drive down 197 is just irresistible. Beauty at its best: there is something about the curves cut into the mountains main-framed by a river. It makes for a great drive. I took the short and sweet, straight and narrow back to the apartment. By the time I got home and curled into bed with lights out, I knew I had had a good day. I thanked God by saying my prayers and headed off into wonderland.

You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams…


So my personal crap is limiting my ability to talk of any particular subject for the blog. All it makes me realize is how consuming things can be when I let them. It has been a tough couple of weeks and I am sure that it is not over yet. I am grateful that it has given me the ability to get a few things done though. My bedroom is back together. I have found someone to take my excess furniture off my hands and I am in process of becoming a serious stripper. Thank goodness for the bedroom. My bedroom looks like me. It looks like who I am supposed to be as opposed to who I have been pretending to be. Strangely enough, it reminds me of my grandmother. I am not sure why, but it does. I can’t decide if it is the head board or the quilt or the placement or the light, but it is something and it is comforting. Some people talk of angels watching over them. Family Circus has an entire plot line that goes along with grandparents turning into angels who watch us from above, which maybe where I get the idea from, but just the same, I recognized that my grandmother was a part of me last night. It was nice. I hope that I can be as kind, loving and spiritual as she was some day. I found someone to take the love seat and big chair off my hands. They seem to be seriously in the way and seeing as I get no use out of them and am really not liking the pattern or style, I am giving them to someone who needs them. Hopefully, they will be moved soon and I will have more room for things I like and are useful. Yesterday I went to the hardware store and had a really nice lady help me get all the things I need to strip my furniture. I tried for about thirty minutes trying to follow instructions on how to get the child proof cap to turn on the “Strip-Ease.” Yeah, never budged. So what I finally did was to use my head and used the back side of the hammer and popped off the child lock and then pried open the “screw on/off” cap. Somehow in the midst of that, I managed to maintain the cap so it would reseal the strip stuff. Amazing. At first the strip stuff really didn’t work. Turns out there is some type of sealant on the furniture (antiquing?) that has to be broken down then, once the sealant is gone, the finish cracks and strips right off like it’s supposed. I didn’t get a good crackle until this morning and then it was time for work. But at least it works. I will probably work some more on it tonight. I am supposed to meet up with a girlfriend and exchange pictures and stories tonight. She went to Nicaragua and we both went to the Indigo Girls. I want to see her pictures of Nic and she of IG. Hopefully there will be some time in there for scraping. I started on the smallest piece first just in case I really screwed up. Thank goodness it is okay. Soon, all the furniture will be me. Ah, well who would guess that this entry would write its self. Hurray.

The hardest to learn was the least complicated…

Wow, What a concert!! The Indigo Girls Rock!! I got three rolls of film too. I was so excited. I have never taken such good pics. Out of 72 pictures I had six bad ones. That is amazing! Baby Iris had a great time. If I knew how to post the pictures I would, but I don’t, so I won’t. I can’t wait to show everyone the pics. I am going to set them up in an album. The crowd wasn’t very cool though. Indigo Girls came out on stage and I stood up and cheered to realize that I was one of two people screaming for them. The other was my girlfriend Megan, although she was two levels up from me, because we got separated. I had to sit back down. I was so embarrassed. After a while though, I didn’t care. I was dancing and singing and taking crazy pictures and just having a great time. We all got the same t-shirts and were as sisters as sisters get for the whole night. I love women. They create great memories.

Sunday seemed as though it would never end because I was so tired from the Sat night concert. I didn’t get home until 1:30 AM! I used to stay out until four in the morning all the time, now, I am warped by ten and to be out until the AM was really hard on my body. I ached from my tip of my head to the tips of my toes. I watched movies, painted a bit and had to go to district. I was so tired that I was in bed by 9:45 last night.

The other cool thing is that my apartment is almost done painting too. I am so grateful. All I have to do now is put it back together. Thank goodness. I am so tired of it being in disarray. I was inspired Saturday morn and just up and painted my bedroom and the trim in the bathroom and in the bedroom. Thank goodness. So hopefully, this evening I will be in my bed in my bedroom! That will be so nice. I am going to strip and refinish my bedroom furniture, but not this week. Man, my place is a wreck. I have got to get some semblance of order before I work on any other projects. Hopefully, the refinishing will be more organized: next weekend, maybe or the next. Who knows, we shall see. July is such a social thing. I have three out of four weekends booked already for July and am not even through June! Sometimes, months are just like that though. July is just like that. I guess I will refinish when I am supposed to refinish and not before.

The OCD says to waiting room of the depressed: “What if this is as good as it gets?”

So my boss has decided to make it her mission to convince me to a) vote for Bush and b) become a capitalist. Unfortunately for her she doesn’t realize that a) I am a Green and b) I went to Agnes Scott. She asked me questions that I haven’t answered since college and today, since all of my tasks are completed and my ducks in a row, I am studying capitalism and socialism. Who would guess that I would have the opportunity to define my reasoning? Something inside of me questioned my validity and I just had to look it up. I think that I needed clarification and the ability to specify as the topic will probably grow over time especially with the presidential election on the horizon. I needed to arm myself for battle and I felt like there were chinks in my armor. The more and more I get my hands dirty into the ideology of capitalism, the more I realize that even if I didn’t believe in it, I am a part of it. I can’t wait to hear what is listed in the socialism aspect. Something tells me that I am not going to find anymore favor in it than I do in the capitalistic pov. When I think of socialism I always remember reading Animal Farm in high school. I don’t want to be poor and ruled by pigs are the main thoughts that cross my mind. Surely there is a mesh that creates a better society. I grasp that there is not Utopia, but I sure wish there were. I am glad I was born here in the U.S.; I got lucky

They sound tired but they don’t sound Haggard
They money but they don’t have Cash
They’ve got Junior but they don’t have Hank!

I was so proud of myself last night. I got home about six thirty pumped and ready to paint. I pulled my hair back into a pony tail, put on my painting outfit (cut off jean shorts and a bandana t-shirt), pulled out the bucket of paint. I cleaned the rollers. I recovered my new/old furniture, which was stacked out of the way, with plastic. I began to stir up the paint. I am stirring and stirring and stirring. It never turned yellow. So I look on the top again to see what color I pulled. It is marked yellow, but it is the white for the trim. So I go to search for the right can of paint. I dig and dig. No paint. I am out of paint. It has taken me forever to get to a point to paint this crazy room and now that I am ready, God says no. Imagine that? Guess I am not ready to paint the bedroom. So I went to Home Depot to get some more yellow paint. I bought a new brush while I was at it. It took up my whole night. Guess I will work on the bathroom for a while before I try that trick again. My bathroom is also still not painted. It will take some real work due to all the nooks and crannies in it. Looks like that it the order of things. I couldn’t believe that I was out of paint. I still can’t believe that I was out of paint. Geez.

there's just enough of you in me,
for me to have sympathy

Well, every time I come home I realize how much of my parents' daughter I truly am. Last night the coveted "Green Dinner" that was for sale at Dad's silent auction, was fulfilled. When I got here last night there were two mammoth young men, who as it turns out are highschool football players, sitting on the couch who were the guest of honors to recieve the "Green Dinner." One of their moms was here too. The more the conversations progressed through the night the more I came to realize how much of a musician I really am. I should have gone on and gotten my degree in music. Should of's aren't really worth anything though. However, I realize that I probably know more about music than the average bear. The other thing that happened that makes me really their kid, as if there was any doubt, I woke up in the early morning sneezing. My Dad and brother have the worst allergies. I think I am allergic to the folks place. Aug. It was such a fit to wake up to and at such an early time! I am still stuffy. I am such a Green.

And you say you had money, you better be sure
'Cause these hard times will drive you from door to door

You know those moments where all the sudden you realize that you are one of those people? You know, those people who always look so stupid going slow in the fast lane. Or those people who just won't get off their cell phone and drive. When you beccome one of those people, it hits you like a ton of bricks and you are embarassed unbelievably so and no one knows except you and the millions of people surrounding you in Atlanta Traffic. My Uncle Oze found it funny my observation/accident traffic last time I was on my way to my parents. I realize why. The thing I don't realize is why these little moments of life happen to me on my way to the folks place. Gosh, today's moment was tough. I was tooling along, windows were down, pony tailed hair flyin away in the wind going 35 miles an hour. I turned on my new Indigo Girls cd and cranked it up. I'm weavin in and out, tryin to see which lane is the best lane to get going in. The fifth song cuts out and all of the sudden I hear a small but rigorously consistent: click, click, click......my blinker has been on the whole cd. Yes, today I was one of those people.

I’m just a lazy orange house cat…

So I have managed to decide that I want to paint my bedroom, yet I haven’t managed to actually follow through with the action. Strange. I pulled everything out of my bedroom except the bed frame because it has swollen shut due to humidity. Pulled the paint cans out of the closet and set them up with rollers and bought new cut-in brushes. I have even figure a way to cover everything immobile. I just can’t actually paint. I can’t seem to find the umph necessary to paint that room. My spiritual advisor says that it is a part of my transformation into a butterfly. Once I clean that area of my life up that it will just paint away. I guess so. That is how it has happened with every other room, which is probably why it has taken me a small lifetime to paint.

So, in the process of all this procrastination, I have decided that I don’t like the bedroom furniture and am going home to get mine and give my current furniture back to the person who gave it to me. Dad said that he was going to refinish my bedroom suite and I think I like that idea. A girlfriend of mine can do it. She used to do it for a living and I don’t see why she can’t teach me a bit, too. It should be fun. I am sure it is work, but it will be good for me: teach me a new skill. It may end up just like the painting though, takes forever to do now that I have made up my mind it’s what I want to do. I can’t wait until I grow up and am filthy rich and can hire people to do this type thing for me.

We are better off for all the things that we let in…

While I am not having the best of weeks, things could be a lot worse and have been a lot worse in my small lifetime. The thing that I value more than anything in my life is the relationships that I continue growing within, the contact that I have with others. I think the reason that I value these relationships is that they are the source and a connection that I have with God. Sometimes I see God working in the events around me, but when I am sitting in the middle of fear, I don’t see God. The only thing I have the ability to cling to is people. Somehow, they talk me out of the fear and bring me back into reality and those monsters that were so large and so horrible are not so bad for a while. Fear seems so devastating when I am in the midst of it. Thank goodness for those who love me. When I let others into my life, my life gets better. Every time, without fail, it happens just that way. No matter how dark it gets, when the clouds cover and the thunder starts, all I have to do is call, write, visit or love those who love me and everything is better off.

My wife, my wife has six thousands different kinds of smiles…..

So my life feels like it is in overdrive and today, it slowed down significantly. It has been going so intense and so quickly that my boss told me I could cut work early and go see a movie. Ho w many bosses tell you that?

So Saturday was good. I went to a ten year old birthday party. It was a UGA theme and everyone wore black and red. The ten year old got enough Georgia stuff to last her until she is at least 16. The coolest gift though was a mountain bike. By far the thing she liked the most. I liked it too. It was a girl’s bike without being too girly and to a ten year old girl who claims tomboy-hood that is really important. It was great fun. I took a whole role of film, which as it turns out, my boyfriend told me after the fact that it was black and white. So it means I have to go to Atlanta to get it processed because there isn’t a real camera place around here (WalMart Photo Lab said they would have to send it off!). I had no idea that I had black and white in there. Ah, such is life.

Then Sunday, John and I went to the family shin-dig. Pam and Bill in their fancy new home hosted the get together. Wow, on the home. Wow, on the amount of family that showed up. I don’t think that much of the family has been in one place in a really long time. Emily talked about how far out Pam lived at Christmas time and I was so grateful at how close she was. She is now the officially closest family. All of the McCallums were there: four brothers and sister. Imagine that. It was great fun and fellowship. I was really glad to see Uncle George and it was nice to see Uncle Carter smiling genuinely. Uncle Oze and Bobby were good to see too and Mom, well, Mom is by far the best of the five. I might be slightly biased though seeing as she gave me life and all.

I was grateful to get home on Sunday. As much as I love and appreciate my family, I think I have found my home here in the mountains. I really love the area and my mountain family is really important to me too. Although, if Uncle George really does move to Asheville, I would say that it would be tempting to go there. I just really like the mountains. There is something about them. I was so glad to see my mountain family Sunday night. It was a real sigh of relief.

The past two days at work have been stressed to the max. I have been here until six both days and have not had lunch. It is amazing how freaky the marketing dept is when all the people are marketing at one time. The nice thing is that the prep is over and now I get to relax and go back to reports and data stuff because instead of prepping, they are marketing and it will be a while before they return (like next week!). Then it will be all hell breaking loose all over again. It happens like that. Storm, then calm, storm, then calm. Luckily, the beach boys will be moving in here soon and then it will be storm all the time, no calm. That’s okay. That is when I am at my best.

Hurray for movie day today. I think I am going to see The Stepford Wives. I can’t figure out what it is about and all Mom says is that it is scary. I counted on it being scary because Christopher Walken is in it. He just freaks me out. So I guess I will go find out at four today.

Tra-la, no marketing people. Tra-la, tra-la, tra-la.

come to send, not condescend
transcendental consequence
is to transcend where we are
who are we? who we are

So yesterday, I was talking to Mom on the computer, talking to Christine in my cubicle and talking on the phone all at the same time. AHHH. Having two conversations typically I am okay with however, three is a bit much for even me. The weird part is that that happened to me four or five times yesterday. Hey Rachel, hey Rachel, hey Rachel…..all at the same time. Crazy. I have no idea if I got any of the answers right or if I made any sense in any of the conversations at all. Hope so. Amazing.

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

OH man, I know that Christina and Carter and Sarah just love to run, but man, has it ever been a struggle to get into running this week. I tell ya, there is nothing easy about it. On Monday I went for my first run in a hundred years. I ran for 21 minutes which was eight tenths of a mile one way according to the Saturn trip meter. It was so hard just to keep moving. My legs began to hurt before I even left for work. Then, Tuesday, I couldn’t move, so I stayed home and rested well. Then Wednesday, I ran for 20 minutes, but didn’t make it nearly as far. I was running so slowly, but I was trying to get my muscles to work out so that they would repair themselves. Sure enough it worked. This morning when I went for a run I went for twenty-two minutes and went the initial length and it didn’t get grueling until the last little bit of it. So I repeated to myself: “God’s beauty, God’s grace,” over and over again. I don’t really know what the significance of the phrase was, it was just what came to mind. It helped me keep moving and not walk though. My muscles were warm today. I actually took a cool shower when I got back to the apartment. Today at work, I actually have had my legs crossed all day. Now, for most people that is nothing, but for someone who hasn’t been able to move for a while and has been too heavy to do so, it is so comforting. I was so grateful that my muscles were loosened that I wore a dress to work today. I have heard that running is the fastest way to lose weight and I believe it. Hopefully, from here on out, it will be peaceful easy feeling, because I don’t ever want to go through the pain I was in on Tuesday again. I will probably run every day for the rest of my life, or at least until I am forty. Especially, if I get to a point where I can solve the world’s problems while on a nice long run. I can’t imagine that, but apparently it happens. Mostly, it takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other at a faster pace than a walk. Gosh, it’s hard. I do like running in the morning though before it is hot or before there is anyone on the roads. The morning is so still and quiet. I love it. Mountains are just awesome in the mornings. That is the part that keeps me running is the mountains.

My brother Freddie said that you only get three wishes.

So In America is one of this year’s greatest movies. I don’t know why I didn’t know about it until DVD, however, now that I have seen it, I love it. The two sisters in it are phenomenal child actresses and the story is so gripping. It is the essence of America. Oh, just rent it. It is great.

So Russell, What is it that you love about music?

Well, to begin with…everything.

How is it that people don’t listen to the radio yet claim to love music? I think that folks don’t get music like I get music sometimes. My super boss “just loves” music. Although, when I used her car to go to the printers today, none of her radio stations were programmed and she only had six cd’s available! How can you “just love” music when you obviously don’t listen to it? Crazy. I have music on 24/7. Never is it the same from one day to the next either. People think that I am insane because of all the music I listen to all the time. While I am crazy, I don’t know that music has anything to do with it. Music highlights my life. I can hear a song on the radio or the melody out of a piece and I have memories associated with them. Great example: Rodeo by Aaron Copeland: goes with my final my freshman year for Music 102. There are hundreds of them that do that. They show up on the stereo and boom another memory. Indigo Girls (any song) go straight to the halls of Winship at ASC. Happy Girl: driving around Decatur when I worked for Outback. Jesus Jones’ “Right Here, Right Now” goes with dancing in the rain with Emily at the pool. It goes on and on. Sometimes I forget that I am a musician until something like what happened today happens. I turned the radio on and there was static. Nothing. The station was 87.8 FM. Can you imagine? I don’t know that I could ever go through life with out music. I wouldn’t make it. Can you see Harry Potter flying through the air without John Williams in the background? Never. Not happening. Ever. I love everything about music. Crazy.

You want to come with me to Morocco?

YES, yes, yes……ask me again.

You wanna come?

Yes, yes, yes……k.

It’s all happening.

It’s all happening.

So this weekend was fun. Friday night I went with friends to Fogo de Chao. It was great. I love that place. It is all you can eat Brazilian style. There were about nine of us and it was great fun. Saturday, I saw the new Potter. I love having a local theatre. I went to the noon showing. It was scheduled in the oversized theatre to compensate for the crowds; however, almost no one came to the noon showing. There was a huge line for the next showing though. It was cool. I am not a book reader, so I can’t compare it to the books. I am just a movie go-er, which means if the movie is good enough, I will read the book (i.e. Cold Mountain). I was really surprised in this Potter, he was angrier than I thought they would allow a children’s hero to be. An avid Potter groupie who I bumped into after the film at the coffee shop said that Potter is much darker in the book than he was even in the movie. He is copying the audio book for me on an MP3 so that I can listen to the books on MP3. Not that I have anything to play them on. He said that it should play on maybe my car cd player, my dvd player or at least if nothing else, my computer. So I guess soon I will have listened to the books even if I haven’t read them! HA! I read the first one in Detox, which was good for me. I am still surprised at how dark Potter is. It was a little disturbing. After that I dawdled at home before going to meet with friends and talk about God. Then I went to John’s farm. I tell ya. I love the farm. It is so relaxing. We went to brunch with the boys on Sunday and then I went to District which was in Blairsville. Talk about a beautiful city. The only down side is that it is built around the giganto four lane and only lasts for a second. It reminded more of North Carolina than of Georgia. It is prettier than, well almost, Sautee.

I don’t know, I went running this morning for the first time in a hundred years to compensate for the gym going bankrupt and I was running past this field that separates my road from Chimney Mountain Road, it has the most awesome backdrop of the mountains. It made getting up early worth it. I hate running, but I don’t have much of a choice. The gym doesn’t actually close until Friday, but I wanted to get a jump on things. I figure this way, my body will adjust to having to get up earlier and to the physical morning exertion that will occur. I only ran for 21 minutes this morning. I figure start little and get bigger. Also, I didn’t realize how much it takes me to wake up in the morning. It took me like ten minutes just to get my eyes to work. The run was hard. I never work out this hard in the gym. I guess that is a good thing though. It means that I will lose weight faster and tone better with not near as much time spent on it. Now I am tired, but not haggard. I am also hungry and it is only ten-thirty! I kind of planned on that though and brought grapes. I think I will try a bottle of water too. Oh, changing behavior is so difficult. Adjustment is everything. If I can just get through the adjustment, I will be fine. I figure it will take about a week, maybe ten days for my body to accommodate for the earlier wake up and a the working out outside as opposed to inside. Running past the mountains really made the run worth it. Hopefully, I will get to go farther with time and will be able to see more beautiful sites in my area of Sautee. That kind of promise gives me hope which fuels that fire to get better.

Make new friends, but keep the old:
Some are silver, Some are gold…

So who knew that my big sister from Agnes Scott would be so cool after all this time? I felt like Carter yesterday. Well, as much as I perceive Carter to be. My girlfriend Vicki came up to visit me. She was on her way back from her month long vacation. She and her daughter were traveling around the east coast and took time to stop in little old Sautee. We did all kinds of things. We walked the strip in Helen, which in all the time I have lived here I hadn’t done until yesterday. We went to the smallest covered bridge in Georgia, which is in Sautee. We went to the coffee shop and reminisced with a fellow graduate of ASC. To sum up the day we ate at my favorite restaurant, Alice’s Restaurant. I went to meet with friends and talk about God while she settled Reagan in for the night. When I came back we had a super slumber party at my house. It was fun. This morning I was so not used to having a little one in the house. I was extra careful to be quiet and in the process of being quiet, forgot my coffee. Erg. Of all of the women who I came into contact with in college, I thought for sure she would be the one I would lose forever. I drank when she got married and I drank when she graduated, trying desperately to put that she was gone out of my mind. It was like if I drank enough it wouldn’t happen, she wouldn’t go away. Strangely, she didn’t but not because of my drinking. I think it is just a God thing. She is the one I have had the opportunity to stay in touch with the most. I would have thought it would have been Elise or Meg who would have stuck around, but neither of those women are present in my life anymore, which is sad, even though it seems to be the right thing. I just knew that because Vicki married a military man early on before we even graduated that she would disappear and she didn’t. She holds an ever present spot in my heart, in my mind and in my prayers. Somehow when I left her and Reagan this morning in the apartment, I drove through the Sautee valley with the Fish in the background playing some of my favorite Jars of Clay, and having a sense of peace, like everything was good and right like it was supposed to be. I am so grateful that she is a part of my life. I had no idea that one day we would each be sober, each of our own volition, but we are. It is unusual to see someone after such a long period of time. She is so grown up. So am I, I guess. She spoke of bringing her husband with her next time. He is in Bagdad right now, but will hopefully be home soon. It means that she will be coming back. Well, hopefully. That would be so cool. Then I would be like my parents who have friends who just show up out of nowhere and stay. Who would ever guess that I would be an adult? Adult enough to have an old friend stay at my house and go to dinner and have children? My goodness, I am not sure if I like this or not. I mean I like seeing Vicki, but I mean having friends who own houses and have children and husbands and go to church and do all those things that my parents have been doing all my life except now they are happening to me! Ah! Guess this means I really am an adult. Erg. I have fought this point in my life for my whole life, but I wouldn’t trade my half a day with Vicki yesterday for the world, it was so wonderful. I am glad she came for a visit.

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Gosh I am tired, but I had a productive Memorial Day. I hung out with John and one of his sons for a while, then off to the movies with several friends and then home to clean like crazy. I cleaned my bathroom, cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator, went to the grocery store and refilled the refrigerator, cleaned up all of my travel stuff, cleaned the living area so as to pull out everything in the bedroom area into the living area so as to clean and prep for paint. Painting is on the agenda for the evening. I think that this will be the longest ever in painting history. I also prepped all my lunches for the rest of the week, made myself dinner and went to meet with friends to talk about God. I was so exhausted when I got to meet with folks that I have no idea what the heck was talked about or what was said. I just needed to be there. I was supposed to go today at lunch, but after not hearing anything last night, I decided that it would be a waste. I didn’t get into bed until 11:15 and was so wound up I didn’t sleep until well after that. When I go clean crazy, I go clean crazy.

Gosh I am tired, today I cleaned both my boss’s office and my cubicle, so I guess the cleaning crazy isn’t quite out of my system yet. I want to sleep so badly that I think that I am going to skip the gym, go home, take a nap, wake up and paint. I am so tired. I have done my best all day at work to stay away from people because I noticed early on that my tongue was not speaking appropriately. It was making all kinds of mean comments that no one wanted to hear. The upside of being tired is that it breaks me down and keeps me really focused on the task at hand. My ability to multi-task goes right out the window. One task only thank-you.

Gosh I am so tired. I am so surprised by my outfit today. Not only did I manage in my tiredness to make it match, it is a new outfit. Well, not really. One of the things I noticed about shopping with my Mom on Saturday was that it doesn’t make any difference what length the pant leg is. I have had this pair of Liz Claiborne pants that I quit wearing because they were too short. They are really fancy and well made. I couldn’t give them to good will they were so fancy. I found this not so dressy, but nice, shirt, white with black ribbon lining around the neck. Between the too short fancy pants and the sort of nice shirt and my way too tall black sandals, I look like a fashion plate. Who would guess? I was so tired this morning; I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to what I was doing. I expected to get to work with a sock attached to my head like in the comics. Thank goodness God dressed me. He did a great job. I am really tired. I feel like how I have seen my brother feel before: when he would get off the bus from Chamblee after being on it for what seemed like forever. He would have to go home and study forever before he’d just konk out. That is what I want to do: Konk out. I am really tired.

I am pleased to serve the President of the United States.

Somedays I wished that I lived in the series of the West Wing. Although they have their problems, they always seem to be so well educated and well spoken that they can fight for their solutions. That being said, I will go on with what I want to talk about.

Oh, being at my parents brings up so many ambitions, problems, emotions, solutions. They live in a house they are going to move out of in a year. There is no real sentimental value to their current home for me and I can't even find words to create reasons to ask them to stay in one spot. The only homes that have had any sentimental value, which I guess is the point, are the two that I grew up in: the "Avondale House" and my yellow apartment with green plants. Although right now, my peace lily is a little too yellow and I am making a decision to move the mum outside and get either a spider plant or an impatient. I have been in the past day in a half of being at my parents house, competeing with a fifteen year old, when know one knows I feel competitive. She is almost like me, but different. She asks all the right questions to my Dad. I have never been able to do that because all that he has made within me that I am really pretty good at doing to this day, I rebel against. Always have and don't know why. The comment was made over dinner by the waitress, "Are you sweet or unsweet?" I smiled and said, "Sweet." Although she was referring to my tea, my Mom was not, "well she's not really sweet, but we will let her be today." This is how I am known in my family. The mean little girl who shows an undoubtedly outward appearance, specifically to public which entails: friends of the family, extended family, school and church, as a completly lovable, sweet person with a kind heart who wants to help everyone, in contrast to what happens when I get around Mom, Dad and Carter, which is I hate you written across my forehead and speaks loudly through out my actions. I don't really hate them. When I was a little girl and couldn't express myself, I didn't hate them either. I hated and still have a tendency on my bad days, hate myself and I can't figure out why they love me, even if they don't like me. You see, I have never seen myself as lovable. I don't know why or what caused it, it just happened. It is a separator. It separates me from God and equally important it separates me from those who love me like they love God. I don't think that I can let anyone love me until I learn most importantly to love myself through God's eyes. I won't be able to do it any other way. I definitely like myself more than I did four years ago, but sometimes I shred apart into a thousand pieces when a fifteen year old girl comes along who is exactly like what I want to be and am not there yet. I can hear what my spriritual advisor would say right now: you are comparing your insides to her outsides. And how right she may be it doesn't seem to change my jealousy or anger. Those are things that only God can take. For all I know that girl could grow up to be an axe murderer, but I doubt it. She is just the daughter that I want to be or at least my perception of her is that she is that person. Hopefully, through the work that I continue to do by prayer, correcting behavior, writing and talking to someone who knows me and staying sober most imminentely, I will be able to be the daughter who really is sweet and not just for a day.

Oh Sticklebats, where is that boy?


So as I made my trek to the folks' place in Sharpsburg, I noticed two very unusual things and had two life threatening events. First, I noticed my surroundings passing through Habersham County back into White County, returning to my apartment to collect, unfortunately due to my absentmindedness of leaving it behind, the TV I promised to bring to my Mom. I noticed old Fords with no power steering puttering in front of me from one farm to the next, realizing that they were carrying exhausted men covered in sweat, dirt and hay. It was hay day today and yesterday. The rolling pastures that I have been watching sway to and fro were curled up in large round bales awaiting pick up by monster tractors, to be housed within the confines of someone's barn for storage until the first blast of winter air, where in turn they will be feed for the animals on such farms. How beautiful they were out in the middle lined with precision and thick with moving creatures and life. The fields that were not curled, were square bailed and explained the men who will not sleep easily this evening due to blisters, sun burns, aching muscles and worst of worst: hay fever; in contrast to myself, who will sleep comfortably in my parents home on a queen size sleigh bed with air conditioning and luxuries galore (like McIntosh Singers in surround sound). Then, the first life threatening thing occured shortly after the observation: a stomper-billy dooley chevy truck tried to squash me because he couldn't see me. I was riding along in the lane next to him, increasing in speed and with my windows being down, I could feel the heat of his engine inside my car, which is when I noticed he had about three inches from being in my passenger seat. I had oncoming traffic in the other lane and rather than slam on breaks and spin, I did the opposite and laid into the gas and hung onto the steering wheel with one hand and the horn with the other. I scared the ba-geezus out of the man and saw him jump, meanwhile continuing to climb up hill at about 70 miles an hour only to find a red light quickly approaching. Luckily, I had enough time to appropriatly slow my car down from the leap to 70 miles an hour. That's one and one.

The second observation I had was while driving on 75/85 south still headed to the folks house. I am cruising along quickly and I notice a Saturn that looks familiar. It is a deep green and looks to be about a 96 model. The man driving the car is my brother...maybe. No way, I am calling Carter right now. Wait, Carter is loving Chicago. Glance....That is Carter. Ahhh.....no it's not. That's wierd. That's really weird. I actually was sorting through my cell phone looking for his name so as to call my brother, that's how freaked I was by this guy who was traveling in the second to right lane going about 70 miles an hour, nothing doing type look on his face, driving a deep green Saturn. I didn't think to look on the back for an Avondale Sticker or a torn John Kerry sticker. Man, it was a scary observation. I almost pulled off an exit so to catch my breath. Then, shortly after the second scary observation: everyone was stopped just after the grady curve. Ahhh...squeel....tires aren't turning and breaks aren't working....I skidded quite a bit prior to completely stopping a few inches from a car load of North Carolina women, I thought we were going twenty not zero! The women proceeded to drive like drunks for the rest of the time I was behind them and for some reason I couldn't seem to get around them until I got off on 85 South at the split.

I was so glad to get to Mama's. I was so tired of observing and being threatened. I don't think I will ever observe again while I am driving. It has been quite a day. The sounds in Fellowship of the Ring when Frodo starts out in the Shire to where he jumps onto the Ferry was about the music that should have been playing for my trek. There is so much relief in those black riders leaving the hobbits alone for two seconds. Dad's sound system makes it so intense. That is what I need for my emotions on days like today, surround sound, because that is how they felt today. Loud.

Daisies are the friendliest flower, don’t you think so?
Yes, you told me that the first time I met you.
The first time you lied to me.

Why did you come by again?
I wanted to be your. . .friend.

So this morning has been a daisy morning. I passed my girlfriend Cari on my way to work. She is beginning to work 8-5 shifts at her work which is off the wall for the work she does. And I saw Peter (Petah!) at the gas station where I went to get coffee. I like having smiling faces and hugs from loved ones. It’s nice. It’s like having a family that I don’t have to live with, but that I do get to live with. Not that that makes any sense to anybody else, but that’s okay. It does to me. Sometimes, being single and living on my own, I miss that wake up that comes with living with someone. I have lived with all kinds of people too and this is the first time in my life I have really lived by myself. I have lived with somewhere between one to twelve roommates at a time (not to mention living with 500 when I was at Scott!). I have been by myself for almost three years now. Don’t get me wrong, I like it. However there is something in this daisy morning that feels familiar. Today is flower shop day today too. Maybe I will get a patch of daisies while I am there.

~~There is no rose of such virtue as is the rose that bare Jesu~~

I love this song. I have to put Dad’s girls’ CD in a drawer because otherwise I go into a trans and won’t stop listening. But today is the first day I have pulled it out in a while and I almost started crying when I was listening to it. Something about the whole complilation embodies the essence of innocence within its very tonality.

~~oh i’m just a mirror of a mirror of myself~~

Oh it is so nice not to have any demands placed on me. Yesterday was a demandless kind of day. I had lots of tasks and duties and what nots, but no demands. It felt good. I took it easy and spent most of the evening after work chillin’ in the apartment. I spent a great deal of time on the phone with Michelle, Christine, Peter and Mom. It was a friendly type of night. I also watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The irony in that movie makes that movie. I watched the two little features Monday on Matthew and Kate so I had to watch the movie last night. It was in my system. Matthew McConahey is beautiful. I have also decided that my hair is similar enough to Kate’s that I am going to have it styled the same way. She has these beautiful long layers. Her hair in this movie is so vesatile and more importantly, it is long. I like my long hair and am not up for the short, hair spray needed, all morning work type hair. I like pull into a pony tail or a braid and go hair. Peter says that when the layers are added that my hair won’t be so heavy, which makes since. My hair is heavy. John says that I look like Kate. What a compliment! She is one of my role models that is for sure.

Oh, btw did I mention that I am going to the Indigo Girls concert at Chastain the last weekend of June with about 7 other women? I am so tickled. It is going to be so much fun. I love the Girls so much and am going to get the new cd this weekend while I am in Atlanta. Ho hum, I can’t wait! I have been listening to the cd’s I have non-stop since the tickets were purchased on Saturday. My second time to Chastain and to see the greatest ever. What more can a woman ask?

You wanna know the secret behind a smile,
You gotta ask a Tuesday’s child

Oh yea for weekends. So on Saturday I went to the mountain lake beaches. How relaxing. There is nothing like fun in the sun. Although, my girlfriend didn’t believe me when I told her that the water was mountain lake water in May. She got in, not me though. She froze, not me though. I have learned to be patient for the rivers and lakes to heat until the end of June, beginning of July. Ah, well, the sun was nice. Not that I got all that much seeing as sun block really works—it blocked the sun sufficiently. I got my toes done and now they are back to the color of your favorite car. I love the name of the polish I use…I’m not really a waitress. Hahahaha. It is funny even now. I went to two movies: both teeny-bop: Van Helsing and 13 going on 30. Decent but not great. Definite family movie on the second one, but the first one was not nearly as good as Underworld. It was a C-. I am so grateful for the new theatre! I slept in on Saturday and Sunday. Nice. I also got all my goodwill stuff together. It is in the car right now. I was going to drop it by this afternoon, but they closed at one so I guess it will travel for one more day in the car until lunch tomorrow. Who closes at one? Anyway, I was grateful to get the stuff out from behind the love seat. I have also decided that my apartment is not me. I am going to sell my newly bought couch set and get a futon I think. Ida Know. Something needs to change. It is really not me. It is really like something out of everyone else being nice to me and giving me things, which is good to get me started and now it is time for me to stand on my own and learn to walk. Oh, contentment in life is mine today. Good weekends make for good Mondays. Oh, by the way, Happy Victoria Day.

so we’re okay
we’re fine
baby i’m here to stop your crying
chase all the ghosts from your head
i’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Sometimes my perception is so warped. I can’t tell which direction is up. I get busy with conversations in my head about what people might or might not say. Ugh. It is so exhausting fighting off expectations. The other thing that happens when I get warped is that I feel all kinds of emotions that are based on fiction and not fact. It happens the same time every month too. Imagine that. Last night I watched the end of Big Fish. That movie has grown on me. I kind of like it and may include it in the collection for no other reason than its oddity. I was reading Ada and Inman last night and their world is so different from the one I live in and to think it was just a little while ago that they lived that way. The jacket cover said that Cold Mountain was Frazier’s first novel. Man, he is a wealth of knowledge and literature. How many people get a film release off their first novel? I think I like the fantasy world a lot which is why I read books and watch movies. Those two things always settle my head. Usually, when I come away from them my perspective is not so warped and I feel better. Like last night when I went to bed, I could actually go to sleep because of the movie and the book because I was not caught up in the worry of unnecessity that comes with my thinking when I get like this. Michelle says turn to God in times of trial: know that I am powerless over the effect of pms. I think a lot of people say this, the trial part, she is just the person I listen to. That is such an easy route. However, sometimes when I pray, I forget that I am praying and walk face first into the crazy thinking. I have to regroup and start over, but I don’t think God minds. He probably just twiddles his thumbs until I get back on point. I went to the Starbucks Oracle seeking clarity. It asked me to put in my order for the coffee I drink. The oracle’s wisdom was that I was clueless. I think it maybe right.

what i won’t give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss

So this is the week for graduation here in the northeast part of the state. Both White and Habersham counties are graduating their seniors this weekend. Being in an office full of mothers and having one senior on staff, it has been quite a week. There have been field trips to Stone Mountain, end of school parties (apparently those are still allowed up here), honors days, eat lunch with the kids day and field days all week. Whenever I go to look for someone I ask, “Where’d she go?” The answer is “To the (such in such) school for (whatever major event) her child is doing.” Since when do school kids get out in the middle of May? And what happens to them after that? I mean there are no local pools or real parks around here. At least there are no real neighborhoods. I hear about acting camp and grandma’s house, but really is that meant to last all summer long? All the way until the last week of August? Or maybe since the kids are getting out in May they will return in July. Mom says that year round school is not that far off.

I can remember thinking that summer would never get here and getting out of school on June 10. That is a whole month after this crew is graduating. We had parties and extended recess, walks to the lake and picnics for like the whole last week of school while the teachers scrambled to get all of their work done to send us home. You could feel summer before it ever hit you. I was a patrol in sixth grade and would hate having to patrol the old hall where the littlest kids were because the air conditioner didn’t work well. You could feel an immediate flow of cool air when you crossed the ramp into the third grade/ library hall was. I was so proud to be able to have that orange plastic stripe with a silver badge on it. Memorial Day always pushed the summer feeling too, because the pool would open and that water was so cold. We would begin swim practice after school until school let out. Then practice would begin at 8 for the little ‘uns and 9 for the big ‘uns and then I wouldn’t leave until the phone call at six in the evening from mom saying to come home for dinner. We would run all over Avondale on our bikes. We’d go to Nathan’s for lunch and Emily’s for snacks. We’d go to the Pizza Café if we could find a parent to come get us and take us because we weren’t allowed to go by ourselves. We were old enough to be free but not too old that we knew to take for granted that freedom. Days were filled with corner tag and thunderstorms, wondering if there was any money in my swim bag for candy from the concession stand, walks to the park to settle down and do some real playing and then back to the pool for more races, games and silliness to the nth degree. The life guards were our heroes and babysat us if we acted our age and got upset. They mended our broken hearts, our cut fingers and our fear of thunder. We stood at the edge of the pool waiting for the sound of free swim for the whole ten minutes of adult swim. They held the whistle to our happiness.

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny

So last night on my heady list of to-do, I initiated the course of action to a happier healthier me. I finished the fax, updated all the reports, cleaned the desk off and out, collected the laundry and laundry stuff, got the detergent, got the twenty dollars of quarters, went to the mat and washed the clothes and attempted to wash the car, took the garbage down and as an added bonus swept and mopped the kitchen floor, and cleaned out the area around the wood burning stove. I also watched parts of a movie last night. It was called the Cooler, and was actors acting for each other type movie. Usually, that makes for a really neat movie, but this time the movie was so slow that I could watch the movie with out really watching the movie. So I put away clothes and set up for my morning. So that leaves me with today which is to clean out from behind the couch, put stuff for goodwill in the trunk, yoga it at home, pull out the furniture from the bedroom in order to paint, begin painting, oh, and vacuum. I noticed yesterday that there were no lines in my carpet and typically that is one of the many signs of my unmanageable life. The other sign is when I can’t see the floor boards of my car, which up until yesterday was true. This morning the floor boards were vacuumed and like new. I get so antsy and out of place when the little things are rocked. I think it is part of the obsession that comes with me. I would much rather that obsession is on the floor boards of my car than on the drink. Oh what stresses I have in my life when my life takes a hold of me.

I got a raise!!!

'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen/
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

So this weekend came and went and I think I missed it. Actually, I think that I have missed my life since last Thursday. Yes, Thursday was the last day that I was in touch with my life. So to make amends to myself, today I am not going to answer the phone, not going to the gym, not going to email, not going to socialize in any since and turn into a loner in order to get back to the routine and discipline that I need in order to not go crazy. I have several topics on the agenda for the day: finish the fax day, update reports, clean the desk off and out, collect laundry and laundry stuff, go get stain remover and more detergent, twenty dollars worth of quarters, go to the laundry mat and wash clothes and car, yoga it at home, clean out space behind couch, take garbage down, put stuff for goodwill in the trunk, pull out furniture in bedroom, begin to paint bedroom, be in bed by ten o’clock.

Saw TROY this weekend, pretty good. Started off as a B rated, 1970’s Shakespeare movie and then the actors appeared and it clicked into gear. There were beautiful shots of Brad’s bod, which should be a requirement for his films since he possesses a body like that. He played the part of a part Greek god, which he did really well, didn’t seem to be that far away from reality if you ask me. Story was terrific and the fights were great. Overall, good movie, Gladiator was better though.

Dadum, da da da dum, da daaaaadidaaaaaa, daaaaaadidaaaa, da da dum

Gilbert and Anne are betrothed!!!!

i come to you with strange fire,
i make an offering of love,
the incense of my soil is burned by the fire in my blood.

So yesterday was super blah. My boss was sick as a dog and finally went to the doctor after severe distaste and harassment by me. Turns out she has a “Serious” case of bronchitis and was perscribed four medicines and a breathing treatment. Imagine that! I couldn’t imagine taking four pills and an inhaler type thing just because I had a crappy cough. She was really sick though and hopefully she will get really better. Then when she left, I ran out of things I wanted to do. This meant that I had to do the things that I didn’t really want to do. Bleck. Then I left early. They are cutting overtime and I already had one hour so I figured, I best leave at four, which I did. It made for a great workout. No one was at the gym and I got to sweat my hiny off on the eliptical machine and bikes. I feel obligated to stay in shape after having to climb the pasture mountain. There would be no way that I could have done that had I not been working out all this time. It is encouraging to know that all this working out is of use. From there I went to visit with my girlfriend and her dogs. I love German Shepherds. Or at least I love her German Shepherd. I used to think that I would get a mini Yorky, but now I think I dreaming towards a shepherd once I get a house. They are so trainable and so loveable and so friend like. From there I went to dinner with John and David. David is John’s friend who took us to see Andy Stanley on Sunday and will probably become more a part of my life seeing as he is a newly single Dad who has two girls. He has aked for some help seeing as the girls are nine and four and whenever he talks about the nine year old, beads of sweat form on his brow due to knowing about the next couple of years. I told him I would love to participate in their lives if he needed me. My life seems calm and almost dull after the Sunday rush. Maybe I am just suffering from the downside of the adrenanline. I don’t know, but I hope that things are super perky today, rain and all. I like thunderstorms, although they make me want to curl up with a book and go to sleep. Sometimes they can be exciting when the lights go out though. Lack of power being the dilemma is funny. Its like watching ants when you step on their hill. AHH!! Workworkworkworkwork.

i seem to recognize your face
haunting, familiar, yet i can't seem to place it…..

So my girlfriend calls me last night in a panic. She feels that her life is in shambles and she can’t escape. Boy have I been here before. I hate it when I feel like I just can’t put a sentence together. So initially, the night meant her staying the night with me in order that she gets away from the boyfriend. The boyfriend is not a bad person; their life is just confusing right now. I can totally relate. I have been in the exact same feelings with John. So we cracked on men for a while, complained about women stuff, loved our innate femininity and ate comfort food. The real thing that happened last night was the girl talk, the bonding and the love that happens between women who share experience. Inevitably what always happens is exactly what is supposed to happen: that once the middle of the night rears its ugly head and tears are done falling, confusion is finished fogging and that mind set of home seems so comforting, she left to return to her home and stayed in her bed and loved her boyfriend. Amazing. She and I are so similar in the things we feel and say. We seem to have almost a parallel existence although there are different events within each of our lives. I really like having my girlfriends and don’t know what I would do without them. The main resolve that I came out of the whole evening with was that John is the best boyfriend in the whole world, I have the greatest apartment ever and I have a really great life. I don’t know if she got all that, but I did.

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone

So I had a strange weekend. It started off fairly normal. I played all day on Saturday. I ran flowers for the flower shop, went to visit a sick friend, went to the movies (at our NEW theatre!!) and went to meet with friends and talk about God. Then Sunday, got up and went to church. I went to Andy Stanley’s Church. It was really cool. There was a rock n’ roll show with a message and it was very good. The musicians were musicians, the lights were fantastic, the whole thing was amazingly well done. There were two baptisms, which were performed by someone other than Andy and Andy gave a twenty-five minute message that was part testimony of a church member with interjections of questions by Andy. He is good. I will probably go back. It was exactly one hour. There were no less than ten thousand people there. We went to J Christopher’s afterwards for brunch. I felt tired and ill so when John and I got back to the farm, I laid down. We took a two hour nap (!) only to awake to the weird part of the weekend. Eric, John’s middle son, was banging on the door. There was someone in the river who was not responding. Now, first off, this is weird: not many people know how to get to Towne Creek where we were. Second off: well…just read...

John went down first, not far behind Eric who was moving like a jackrabbit. He cut through the back part of the pasture down to the river. I was shortly behind him, cell phone in hand being escorted by the dog. Anyone who knows anything about the country knows that it is not easy to cut through a pasture. Pastures give the illusion of being peaceful and serene, but in reality they are wild and unruly with same types of creatures that live in them. Being in the mountains creates steepness to the “rolling” effect that is seen from the road. Pastures have briars, bugs and biting things in them. So while cutting through the pasture seems the easiest, softest way, really, it is just the only way. I stopped short of the embankment that proceeded down for about a hundred yards through a wooded area to the old baptismal hole. The incline was steep and I couldn’t hear or see John or Eric. I waited for a short time when out of now where my eye caught John carrying a woman. I ran straight up the pasture to where my cell phone would get a signal. I called 911 and was able to get someone on the way. Eric about five minutes behind me and I gave him the phone. I went back down the cleared mountain to where John had to stop. I ripped my sweatshirt off to cover her up. John was exhausted. We were no where close to the farm house yet. She was in shock, was hypothermic and unable to communicate. She had a bag full of things with her, which had: a dead cell phone, mother’s day cards, a coke, sunglasses, a set of keys, cigarettes and a lighter. She was covered in mud and was freezing. John and I hauled her up the rest of the mountain of pasture together. My legs are so cut up by the pasture that today I had to wear a dress because I couldn’t deal with them being too covered. I went inside and got towels to cover and clean. I went back to get John some replenishment. She was so mired and well, she was half dead. The first responders showed up not long there after and then emts and police. They found her vehicle and a bottle of Tylenol PM. She was so out of it. They figure that for some reason she tried to commit suicide. Had Eric not been out fishing, she’d be dead. Andy’s sermon was “Where’s God, There’s God.” Yesterday, in her desperation to just go away and just go to sleep, John and I were used as tools to save a life. It was a “where’s God/There’s God” moment. Once everyone was gone: she went with the emt’s, Eric went with the police to show them where she was, the first responders all dismissed themselves, John and I went inside. I peeled off the clothing I had on and into the shower I went where I began to cry, which lasted off and on for the next several hours, until bed where I fell asleep in tears. While I have asked questions and told the story to a couple of people who see the glaze in my being and the puffiness in my eyes, the two or three that I have spoken to have said what John and I did was heroic of sorts, but if this is what heroism is, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. We just did what anyone else would do which was to get help for her to the best of our ability. I feel so badly for this poor woman that she found the need to try to end her life. My insides today are numb, but a bit tired. I have a headache and my sinuses have gone crazy from being out in the pasture. My legs hurt and overall, I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I think, I think that deep sleep is in the stars for me tonight. Weird day. Really weird. One person that I spoke to said that she thinks I am still running on adrenaline and that I am going to crash here soon. She is probably right. Weird weekend. Weird.

Good morning…starshine…

The moon was in the morning sky on my ride to work. I was awake really early, like 5:45 early and am not sure why. I am emotionally still unbalanced due to the inventory and I don’t know that it will get better until I discuss it with my spiritual advisor, which may have caused the unrest. I am lucky enough to possess the ability to ignore wake up calls and turn over back to sleep. The only alarm I have never slept through was Carter’s trumpet. I think that only happened once or twice though. I got to work before anyone was here to open the building, so I sat with my coffee that had the last of my milk in it and listened to NPR out of Piedmont College. When I saw the moon up and had the piercing reflection of the sun in my rearview on Hwy 255, I felt as though I entered another planet and time zone. Everything this morning feels as though it has a blue film on it ever since. Really surreal...or maybe really so real…

It’s all happening!
It’s all happening.
It’s all happening……

So a couple of girlfriends came into town on Monday and I haven’t really had time to spend with them until last night. They are both engaged!! One, I knew about the other was proposed to on Monday! Wow. Jennifer was my first real friend when I moved here; she is the one who is the most recently engaged. She loves me no matter how ticky I am. I adore her. She is everything I want to be when I grow up. She has her masters in psychology, she is engaged to a man she loves, she is physically healthy, she is self supporting and she is all I want to be and more. I am so exited for her. The main thing that I think about is that she has everything she wants out of life. I don’t even know everything I want yet, but I know that I want everything that I want out of life too. Inspiration comes in the power of examples. I remember when I was grammar school and the topic we had to write a paragraph on was the person I admire. I chose my Aunt Sue. She was the one I admired. Today I would choose Jennifer. Admiration for me though is not something I can easily express in words. I had a hard time making a whole paragraph then and I think I would probably have a hard time doing so today, because it is not something easily framed by sentences or words. I am glad she is a part of my life. Her example gives me something to look forward to within myself.

guess i wasn't the best one to ask me…
with my face pressed up against love's glass to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for…

sometimes i get so distracted by the good things in life that i don’t look at any of the bad things. today is a hard day. it is a day where my heart hurts and all i want to do is cuddle in my down comfortor with a good book and rain, some hot tea and peace and quiet. it is as though i have a headache that won’t go away, but there is no headache. i have had green patures for a while now, but in the process of taking my own inventory, i have managed to make my green go brown. i have hurt others without intent. it is as though everyone took their shoes off and stuck their toes out just for me to step on and hurt. ugh. i didn’t want to have to go out of my way to make amends, but it looks as though i am going to have to do it anyway. i gossipped. i fussed. i whined. i just want my green pasture back. guess i will make the amends if i want the green pastures. it is kind of like mowing the lawn or vaccuuming the carpet: the lines don’t show up unless you do the work to make them do so. my friend asked me last night if i wanted a ticket to puerto rico for a weekend. it took everything i had to say no thank you. although, puerto rico sounds nice, it would only be me running away and getting into more trouble. i like trouble, but i like stability more. besides everywhere i go there i am and so running doesn’t really help, it just makes me tired. like now, i am tired. what is worse is that i slept pretty well. at least i have finished the inventory, i think, and can move on to less tulmutuous things so as to not cause any more chaos. maybe now i won’t be tired with already having sleep.

Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one

There is a falcon of some sort that has decided to make its self a part of my life. While most birds come and go, i.e. the vultures, cardinals and there is a morning dove that hangs out on occasion out side of my bathroom window. This guy has been at the river for about a week now. He dive bombed my car this morning I guess because I apparently was going to fast for his taste and tried to catch me. So I slowed down and he gave me a look. It was good, because the only other time I have had at him has been underneath from a power line where he was perched. This time I got a good look at the feathers and wing span and everything. He was a little upset and made all kinds of racket as I went on to work. This is the second falcon that has come to visit me. The first one was at John’s farm and he was there for a long time. Probably six months I’d say. Probably because of all the field mice that were readily available. Now it seems as though he has followed me over to my home, but I am sure it is a different bird. He sure is beautiful. He is brown with white markings like spots but longer. His wing span is young for a big bird. By that I mean that it is not nearly what I expect a falcon to have, I’d put money on it that he is still growing and will have those feather tips out six feet in a year or a little short thereof. It’s nice to have visitors. I wonder how long he will stay.

Can I go forward when my heart is here?
Turn back, dull earth, and find thy centre out.

Oh, what a weekend. I was so grateful for the time I got to spend at home. While I should have been cleaning and such, instead I watched movies and painted. I found acrylic paints. Whoa, what a difference. I also found cheap canvas. My paintings look like real paintings. I can’t believe it. It is really expensive though. I went from forty-four cents for a bottle of paint to $1.60 a bottle. Not to mention I have to buy the canvas, where before I was using scrap cardboard. BIG DIFFERENCE. The real question is will I ever go back? Probably not. I will probably spend twenty bucks every couple of weeks to get new stuff. I might for a couple of mixed media pieces, but other than that, forget it. Although I am not a real painter, it makes me feel like a real painter.

My new DVD player is good. It does this weird thing though when there is a hiccup in the DVD, which every DVD player has, that makes it scan forward to the next tidbit so as to smooth the ridge. So out of my two new dvd’s that I got, one had a hiccup that was fixed. Sort of. It pauses a bit to unglitch the glitch. I bought SAY ANYTHING, and ROMEO + JULIET. The first actually had a feature on it which is unusual for the age of the film. But it was a making of Say Anything and was great. It had both John Cusack and Ione Skye in interviews and Cameron Crowe. WOW, they were young. John is still gigantic though. I don’t think anyone knew when he was first cast as the sidekick geek on Sixteen Candles that he was going to a) be this good looking when he grew up or b) be so big. I mean he is easily six & change in height and has beautiful monster broad shoulders. Cameron Crowe was like twenty as a director. That just amazes me. These are folks who are somewhere within ten years of my age and are so unreal in their changes. Romeo & Juliet was totally as cool as I remember. It is such a premise to Moulin Rouge. Romeo and Juliet are actually in Moulin Rouge, but you have to be quick and look closely. It is one of those movies where the details are with in the little clips that are cut up and spit at the audience quickly. A lot of people don’t care for that style movie, I find it totally interesting. The music in that movie is too telling too. I have the soundtrack and it is wonderful.

I also started my inventory this weekend. Inventories of the life are so difficult. I mean, I get so nostalgic which in turn creates so many emotions. I was reading my brother’s Sunday blog and all I could think was that we were doing the same thing on the same day, just in different places. He actually drove through Avondale & I only got to imagine it. Hopefully, I will finish that today, because it can be a really treacherous path if I drag it out. Whenever I have to do an inventory my emotions go on overload and my actions go sideways. If I really drag it out I end up owing more amends than when I started. That is not good. Since I’d rather not do that, I am going to finish it tonight. Hopefully in time to paint more. That was my reward yesterday for getting to a certain point. Painting is good. It makes the world good. It makes me good. Kind of like the inventory. Centers me.