Butterflies and Birthdays

I have been making these butterflies all day. These are just a few. They are mostly glitter, paint and construction paper. They are not hard to make, just fairly time consuming. Butterflies have always symbolized metamorphosis to me. Having had a spiritual awakening that was without doubt life changing, I have come to find a small fixation with the butterfly. That whole process of change is ever present in my manner of living these days. I am making these particular butterflies for a women's retreat I am going on this weekend. There are sixteen women and we are supposed to bring something for each of them to put in their box. Don't know exactly what that means yet, but am looking forward to it just the same. I am on the broke side so I am making my something to go in the box. Since this is my butterfly month (I am 33 and I haven't taken a drink in 9 years) I decided to share. I will write scripture or inspirational poems or something warm and fuzzy about change on each one of them.

I can remember being touched when I was younger by an artists' rendering of doubting Thomas in a sand sculpture. I know that I have not just doubted my Lord, I have rejected Him. I was sitting in tonight listening to a few friends talk about making amends. To amend means to make it right. It doesn't mean I'm sorry. To make it right. I don't know if I can ever make it right for rejecting God. I do know that every morning and every night I embrace Him with prayers of gratitude, petition for me and others, of praise. I try my best through out my mundane day to hold His "hand" and thank Him when I see His presence. This is not the life I used to lead, but it is the life I lead today. It is a discipline that I have achieved as a result of a lot of pain and a little guidance. I can only imagine that as a caterpillar is wrapped inside that cocoon, at some point it becomes so uncomfortable that it has no choice but to break out and be a butterfly. That is my life in a nutshell, I was so uncomfortable, I had no choice but to be the butterfly God would have me be.

"What can you do today to stand together and believe with and for one another?"


Today I stand shoulder to shoulder with my friends, trusting in God, practicing spiritual principles. Today I pray. I pray for those who are sick and suffering, in great pain, those who are mentally ill, those who are in such need of God's grace that they know not what they do. Today I can love, give comfort, not judge, just listen. Today I can show someone what God's grace did for me and not just tell them what I think it can do for them. Today I can stand, hand in hand with others and have faith not just through my thoughts or words, but also in deeds. Today I am honest, openminded, faithful, courageous, have integrity, willingness and humility, have brotherly love, discipline and awareness of God and most importantly: I am of service to God and my fellows.

Grief is... undescribable.

Growing up my Dad used to say to me, "do what your told and don't give me any grief." I still don't really know what that means.

I do know that grief is a feeling like a twisted heart. It makes you cry, it makes you stay very, very still. It makes me want to scream and hit. It makes me hope

that if I just smile a little brighter,
make a better grade,
be a better leader,
stand strong in my self,


it will please just
go away.


Its having my insides just up and dump out on the floor when I least expect it.

Initially, I thought I was going to die it was so painful. That was eight months ago. These days it is a thought that just makes my eyes water with a painful smile that comes across my face in hopes that no one will notice or know of the reminder. I continue to experience things each day and there are days, not every day but some days, when I think she is not here to see this, hear this, know this, experience this with me. WHY did She Go?

Then there are other days that are the greatest day of my life. I work, laugh, play, love with no attachment to the past or the loss. I move on and she is not a part nor do I feel like she is supposed to be. I don't notice. There is no shadow, no tug, there is no wonder.

I know that one day it will just be a story. Something I can tell someone else and let them know that there is change, that life becomes okay again and that while relationships end I don't have to. I can keep going, keep playing, creating, loving and maybe share all of it with someone new.