I have been trying to get back into the word per my mentor's suggestion for some time now.  I have read the book of Ester, and doing it on my own, I just wasn't fulfilled.  I have been attending church for some years now in another city.  It takes me 35 min one way to get there and is not the denomination I grew up in.  They don't seem to study the Word at all as far as I can tell, unless they are in a theology class.  In general, I don't know that these congregates would know if Ephesians is in the front or the back of the Bible because I have never seen them use one.  This has been disheartening to me as I was raised Baptist. 

Baptists, we love reading the Bible.  When I was little there were songs about the books of the Bible, games to see who could find scripture the fastest, stars given out for memorized verses.  We sang passages in choirs, we read from it every Sunday in Sunday School and in Big Church.  Everytime we turned around we needed our Bibles.  I was given one by the church in third grade, it was a children's version with pictures through out.  And on Christmas Eve, 1990, I was given my first adult Bible by my parents.  It had no pictures and had my name engraved on the cover. 

I have kept all my secrets in that Bible.  I have notes I wrote to my best friend during worship services.  Notes that children left me at middle school retreats in Gatlinburg.  I have a rose petal from my Grandaddy's funeral.  I have goals I set for myself while at Camp Crestridge as a counselor.  I have passages underlined over and over in the books Paul wrote.  I have verses marked with bookmarks made from Sunday School lessons that are nothing but a slip of paper with a verse on it.  My Bible was useful to me constantly.  And yet, somewhere in my late teens, early twenties, I slowly, but surely stopped reading, using, filling it treasures.  I even found a church that didn't use the Bible...how unbelievable.

I am ready and willing today to read, use and begin filling my Bible once again.  This morning's sermon was on the Love of God.  Ephesians 3:19 "and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fulness of God."  The pastor noted that no matter what we have done, no matter how bad the sin we think there is, that God's love surpasses every sin, every knowledge that we have as humans.  I was really glad I had my Bible with me to participate in the service.  Turns out, I had that passage marked...it's like seeing an old friend again.  Comforting...like coming home. 

I read some more.  And the book of Ester, well, Ester is about courage. 

Courage comes in many forms.  It shows up like Ester's, in a court at a banquet when everyone is watching: to face a great fear and have great faith.  It's when someone dedicates their life to a greater purpose like joining the military during wartime.  It happens when a drunk decides not to drink today.  It is when we go to God and ask for forgiveness.  It is our heart breaking so we can find what it means to truly love someone. To be able to unconditionally love someone for all that they are, were and will be.  To love someone inspite of their flaws, quirks or mental illness.  It is loving our enemies.  Courage comes from the Great Love.  The Love that God has for us.  Courage is a spiritual principle that God has given us.  It takes lots of courage to love such a fallible creature as a human. 

Courage is being willing, willing to let God have all of me.  Giving Him the good, which is the easy part.  And give Him the bad which is harder.  I don't want people to know about the bad parts, especially God.  I am arrogant enough to believe that He doesn't already know.  But it's a lot like going back into the store and telling the lady behind the counter that I am sorry I stole the Smurf figurine from her Riches Store.  It's just not something I want to do.  It is embarrassing.  It is acknowledging that the bad stuff actually happened and sometimes that I did the bad stuff.  To be frank, I've done a lot of bad stuff that I am not going to tell you about...ever.  And I mean, I don't know about you, but I want God to think the best of me.  I want God's approval.  Luckily, He takes the bad in stride with the good. 

Courage is committing to God as a partner in life.  It's being able to scream, kick, cry, say ugly things at God.  It's about telling God all the innermost parts of my thoughts and emotions.  I am so selfish by creation. My experience is that it takes the spiritual fortitude to overcome selfishness. I have found the Great Love hidden under my selfishness & self-centeredness.  When I get out of the way of God, the Sunlight of the Spirit shines through me.  I am able to have the courage that it takes to do great things and experience the Greatness of God. 

I haven't read another chapter yet mostly that is because I am still stewing on the last one.  Ester goes through this process of making a decision, asking for prayers on her behalf and taking action.  I am amazed at how I have read just a few chapters and how much Ester has accomplished.  First she was chosen, which took a year.  Then she became queen.  And now she has to save her people.  But there is no time line on those. 

How did she know that the message from Mordichai was real?  How did she lay out the plan?  How long did it take her? How much did she agonize over the results of her actions?  How many times did she try out the plan only to fail?  While the author has detailed knowledge about Ester, he/she has left out some of the details.  Real Life details that is. 

When I go to a movie, it takes an hour and a half for the boy to get the girl.  An hour and a half and they live happily ever after.  It took me four and a half YEARS to decide I wanted to marry my husband.  YEARS...

When I read a book, it takes a couple weeks to come to a conclusion.  So Ester, in just a few chapters which took me all of 30 mins to read at a slow miserable pace, has been given her fate and is taking action.  Surely...surely...taking leadership roles in my own life will take longer and with more failures than that. 

The actions that I have taken just today are: a) sign back up for weight watchers, b) go to the gym even though I really don't want to c) write out a prayer and stick it to my bathroom mirror that says:

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and the bad.  I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my Fellows.  Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen

That took me almost a month to accomplish. 

Ester is faced with great terror.  Not just for her people, but for herself.  She is to be executed by the King's order. Great terror...

Fear is a nasty thing.  It twists around inside of me.  It shows its face in so many ways in my life.  The greatest fear I face that manifests repeatedly in my life is abandonment.  And when I believe that someone close to me will leave me...forever, I lose my composure.  When I remember someone who has abandoned me, I feel agony that can surface as anger, sadness, confusion.  Once the wound of abandonment is reopened, it takes a while to heal back again.  And I smart off to my friends.  I cry in my bathroom alone.  I look in Ester to find the answer. 

Ester did two things when she learned of the great threat Haman had established against her.  First she asked for prayers and fasting from Mordachi and his people.  Second she took action ensuring her life from the King.  Prayers and action.  Two constants in my life. 

O Lord hear my prayers.  Heal me where I am hurt.  Give me great strength in times of great fear.  Grant that I may be Your servant to those whom you place in my life.  Thy will, not mine be done. Amen

Prayers and actions. 

Thanks be to God.

So the King Baby turns the power of being King over to his right hand man.  Being totally inexperienced he gives it up to the bad guy.  The bad guy's name is Haagar aka Hilter.  This dude has serious control issues.  He sends out a death sentence for the Jews.  Ester's Uncle Mort tells her to go, go to the King and beg, beg for her life and the lives of her people. 

What must she be thinking? First you tell me not to say anything about who I am and now you tell me to say something.  WTH?  Ester has got to be in a panic.  Here she is finally getting slightly comfortable in her royal surroundings and you want me to throw it all away? 

Life or death dear woman, life or death.  I was threatened with a life or death scenario once.  I was stalked by terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.  My head was swimming, like I was caught in a spiral of emotions that just got worser.  I chose life.  It meant giving up everything I had known and walking a different path.  It meant having the courage to know the difference.  I didn't actually know the difference I just knew it was something different and anything was better than death! 

Life or death...

Cosmetics...what does that mean?

He found favor with Ester and gave her cosmetics and servants...

Ester's real name is Hadassah, which means myrtle.  Myrtle branches signify peace and thanksgiving.  Hadassah.  If we met a woman with a name as such would we consider her Jewish?  The way I pronounce it in my head the name sounds Arab.  Turns out there is an entire Jewish Women's group called Hadassah.  She is from the tribe of Benjamin, this makes me happy because Benjamin is of Rachel, thus Ester must be a great woman if her lineage is of Rachel.  Rachel was strong, beautiful and patient.  Some of these qualities would make a great queen. 

Bathed in myrrh.  I compare myrrh to Chanel No 5.  It is the most expensive perfume I own and I can only imagine being bathed in it for six months.  A year the women were prepared for King Baby.  They were doused for a year.  I wonder if they are also given a trainer and maybe a shopper who picks out fine clothes for them?  Cosmetics is just the outside of the woman.  It is the "trappings" so to speak.  Something of which I have always struggled with a bit: when to wear make-up, how much to wear, to pluck or not to pluck the eyebrows, what is considered casual, too casual or too formal, jewelry...got lucky with a decent man so most of my jewelry is an easy pick, but every now and again should I wear pearls all the time or just with blue jeans? 

She won him over.  Prior to the cosmetics, she found "favor" with him.  And in the end he loved her because she was kind.  All that war of cosmetics and the reality is he liked her before they were added and because of her insides not her outsides.  My guess is that her outsides matched her insides.  Thus the beauty makes. 

I pray Lord God that I may have my insides match my outsides. 

Thanks be to God.