You know the first rule of flyin is? Well I s'pose you do since you already know what I'm bout to say.
I do, but I like to hear you say it.
Love, for all the mad in the verse, you take a boat in the air that you don't love she'll shake you up just as sure as turn in the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down; tell you she's hurtin 'fore she kicks; makes her a home.
Storms getting worse.
We'll pass through it soon enough.
While I'd like to believe some crazy film taught me this lesson, I know who did. Though it does make a great ending to a good movie. I have been trying to watch the whole movie and have been unsuccessful until today. Got through it, start to finish. I remember the lesson and who taught it to me. It was my Dad.
When I was little, a man gave me the most beautiful lamp. He gave one to my brother too although it was a boy version and mine was a girl version. I don't know that they are worth anything, but they were worth a lot to him. My lamp was Strawberry Shortcake. I remember growing up with Strawberry Shortcake stories and dolls and it seemed like at one point she joined the Saturday morning cartoon line up. I don't know if the stations still do that, but I knew my morning was over when the Soul Train came on and it was time to get dressed and into yard clean up clothes. I can still smell the doll. She smelled like what I would imagine a plastic strawberry would smell like. I know that if you put her in front of me blindfolded, I could tell you who she was. I also had a Strawberry Shortcake bathing suit that I wore forever. It had a criss-cross back and was very confusing to step into for a two year old...or how ever old I was.
It never occurred to me that my parents wouldn't have given me the lamp. It made since to me that since almost every thing I owned they gave me, why not the lamp? Some how in conversation the story of the lamp came up. I think Mom was driving us in the blue marquis on to violin. She told me the story: Mr. Walker had a daughter. She was extremely upset about something so much so that she was determined to run away. My Dad was the youth/music minister of Mr. Walker's church so in the middle of the night, my Dad went to help when called. He some how convinced that youth that things were not as bad as they seemed and that it would all be okay in the morning. Everything is always better in the morning.
I don't know if it is the job of a minister to go into a home with a confused, scared young woman and convince her that life is worth living, worth loving and worth staying for, but that is what my Dad did. She woke the next morning and yes, everything was better in the morning. She learned that when we trust, have faith and believe that we are loved that things pass. It is just a storm and we will pass through soon enough. Her father was eternally grateful to my father for saving his daughter's life. And I got a really cool lamp.
I have always remembered that story. I think sometimes it is the reason that I didn't kill myself when I was drinking. I have a memory of coming too over my bible searching desperately for the answer in tears and without a notion in the world that in order to find God I would have to be sober first. What I did know was two things: God was in that damn compilation of books and that I would have to look for him in the morning because it was too dark and would all be okay in the morning. So I would lay my drunken head down, pass out, come to, go to sleep, and sure enough it passed. That horrid sensation, that emotional crush, that unbelivable, incomprehensible demoralization was gone. Today, I don't ever have that. The storm has passed and when I go to bed or wake up, it is always okay.
Monday, May 07, 2007
It is always interesting to me why anyone would want what I have. Lately I have been in a room full of people and felt completely alone. That is hard when my whole being is contengent on a connection with others. Yes, I am that dependent on people still today despite everyday I work on a relationship with God. This woman came up to me on Saturday night after the meeting to let me know that the things that I share she relates to and so much so, she would like me to tell my story at her anniversary. I almost started to cry in public. I don't do that and if I do, something is WRONG. Really wrong. Of course I didn't, I almost did, but it was so startling that I said yes, I'd be honored and then told her that I was so overwhelmed I had to leave. So I left. I went to eat dinner with my husband and a friend. Mmm...ribs. So now I am going to tell my story in front of a whole bunch of people who know my story because they experienced most of it with me and who knows, maybe someone will get something from it. If nothing else, I already have.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Everyone in my life has gone stark raving mad. They all seem to have some great crisis going on so when I call them and say "how was your day" I have to be prepared for a lengthy conversation with me saying things like mmhmm, oh no, well that's too bad. Meanwhile, my life is looking up. I am happy to say that my husband has a killer new job as do I. Couldn't ask for much more, so when they finally take a breath and say so how are you? I say oh, fine. I feel like a horrible person because I can't say HURRAY! This is the coolest thing ever! Because then I would be a jerk. I have decided to take refuge from the chaos and go see my Mom. Hopefully my new workout stuff will come in by the end of the week so I can look hip when I work out at Mom's. Nothing worse than looking like a loser when things are on the up and up. My one friend who is not in choas is also bailing out this weekend to the homestead and it sounds like a good idea. It will be the first time away from the hubby as I doubt he will go because he is a freak, but I am ready to go see my Mom. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom even when she is thirty. Even our cows are freaking out. They are almost done though. We took two calves away from the mamas and one calf died. So the mamas are walking around screaming at the top of their lungs for the babies looking incessantly for their children (when they are in the barn--you'd think they'd stand in front of the barn, but they wander aimlessly around all 65 acres). They will forget what they are doing tomorrow and go back to being cows again. Maybe that is what will happen come Monday, everyone will forget what they are doing and go back to being cows.